Pinkie Pie glared at Twilight Sparkle with a firm, thin line of a mouth. The unicorn glared back, her own face a mirror of her friend’s. The silence in the train car surrounded them, smothered them, enveloped them with tension that could be cut with a knife. Or maybe an axe. Or a chainsaw.
The chainsaw came in the form of Rainbow Dash’s uproarious snoring. The pegasus was laid out on her bunk, her left two legs hanging over the side. They waved in midair in time with the swaying of the train. Underneath her bunk, Fluttershy did her level best to focus on brushing Angel Bunny rather than let the pressure pervading the room get to her.
“Heck if that mare don’t sound like she’s got a whole beehive livin’ in her mane,” Applejack said. “Ah’ve half a mind tah let her sleep on the roof.”
“I’ll have the other half, if you need it,” Rarity moaned from a cushioned bench. “The poor dear sounds like a congested elephant.”
Pinkie kept her thoughts to herself, so focused she was on Twilight Sparkle’s glaring lavender eyes. A faint stinging feeling brushed past her lashes as her own baby blues dried out.
“Maybe we should have brought a cloud of steam.” Fluttershy caressed Angel’s ears, eliciting a grumble of complaint from the pampered pet. “It always helped her when she and I had sleepovers in Cloudsdale.”
Rainbow Dash sawed logs in agreement.
A trickle of sweat rolled down Pinkie Pie’s face from her hairline to her chin. She gritted her teeth in determination as Twilight’s ear gave an involuntary twitch.
Rarity pressed a hoof to the base of her horn. “I’m afraid that a solution, no matter how brilliant, is hardly a solution without the necessary ingredients.”
Fluttershy’s bangs fell over her nose. “I suppose you’re right.”
The vibration started at the tip of Pinkie’s tail. It ran helter-skelter through her body, from the edge of her hooves to the cockles of her heart.
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Fluttershy,” Rarity said, her mouth pulled down in a sympathetic frown. “I’m sure it would be a wonderful plan. Had we access to a cloud of steam or some such thing.” She poured herself a glass of grape juice and held it to her lips. “At that point, I’m sure we could calm down Rainbow’s problems as quick as a—”
“BLINK!” Pinkie Pie yelped. Her eyes shut tight, her whole body lifting into the air from the sheer force. She flopped onto her back, her mane frazzled and her chest heaving.
Twilight Sparkle pointed a hoof alongside a victorious grin. “Ha! Gotcha!”
Rarity looked down at an empty cup and a soaking, sticky chest. She daubed herself with a ready, damp handkerchief and poured herself a further glass. “A genius play, Twilight darling.”
“Thank you, Rarity.” Twilight lifted a sheet of paper and marked it off with a pencil. “Play time-consuming games with friends on trip, check!”
She twisted in her seat to face Applejack with a keen, determined expression. “Now, explain in detail how your cousin ascended to alicornhood.”
Applejack’s sigh expanded her chest to the limits and let it out in a rush. “Ah can only tell yah what ah read from the letter, Twi. Apparently, Braeburn was wrasslin’ a stinking Tatzlwurm out in the desert somewhere and woke up with wings and a horn. Ain’t gonna be able to say much more’n that.”
“I beg to differ,” Pinkie Pie said. She popped a pink crayon into her mouth and held it at the ready over a stack of paper. “What sort of cake does Braeburn like? What color streamers? Does he prefer bouncy houses or ball pits?”
“Pinkie, we’ve already told you,” Rarity said. “Braeburn’s coronation already has a planner. Somepony by the name of Cheese Sandwich, I believe. You needn’t worry over the details. Simply enjoy yourself and the glamour of high-society!”
“High-society?” Applejack snorted. “Rares, you’ve been tah Appleloosa before. Does it strike you as the height of social standin’?”
“Rural though it may be…” Rarity batted her curls and fluttered her eyelashes. “Your cousin is a prince now, and with that comes certain expectations. You can’t expect Appleloosa to be the same little country town after one of its residents becomes one of the most powerful beings in the world.”
“Magically and politically,” Fluttershy whispered.
Twilight shook her head. “I dunno about that. Cadence has been a princess for years, but was never anywhere near Celestia’s equal. She didn’t even really hold an office until the Crystal Empire reappeared.” She sniggered. “And the last executive decision Blueblood made was to declare himself the Twice-Crowned Prince of Equestria.”
“Regardless.” Rarity stressed the word as far as her mouth could carry it. “This is not going to be a birthday party, but a coronation ball the likes of which are rarely seen outside of Canterlot. I feel bouncy houses will seem out of place.” She rested a comforting hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Be at ease, friend. This Cheese Sandwich has it well in hand.”
Pinkie rubbed her chin. “Cheese Sandwich. Why does that name ring a bell?” She spat out the crayon and reshuffled her papers. “Just because I can’t plan the party doesn’t mean I can’t bake a cake or twenty. What flavor, Applejack?”
“Uh…” Applejack rubbed her head just below the brim of her hat. “Ah think he likes apples.”
“Oh my, what an astonishing surprise.” Rarity took a dainty sip. “Do tell us more of the dark, mysterious secrets your family holds.”
Rainbow Dash let out a stuttering rumble.
The door at the end of their car rattled. “Is it alright tah come in?”
“Go ahead, Big Mac,” Applejack called. “We’re decent as we’ll ever be.”
Big McIntosh ducked his head as he entered the room. He had left his hefty yoke behind in Ponyville, ready for a weekend of celebration. His broad, bare shoulders almost didn’t fit between the bunks. He brushed past the sleeping Rainbow Dash, accidently nudging her legs.
She bolted upright with a yelp, sending her head careening into the roof of the train car. She flopped back down, cradling her cranium and spewing profanities. “Aw cuss darn it! What gives? Whose bright idea was it to—?”
“Sorry ’bout that, Miss Dash,” Big Mac muttered, his head low. “Didn’t mean tah startle you.”
She opened her eyes wide. Her expression changed from that of barely controlled outrage to completely carefree in a Manehattan minute. “Aheh. That’s fine. Mistakes happen. No problemo. Bygones and forthwiths and all that, you know? We’re cool. Better than cool.”
Big Mac kept his face blank until she had run out of words. When she paused to catch her breath, he gave her a small smile. “Good. Thanks.”
As he trotted further into the car, Rainbow Dash let her head fall to her pillow to muffle a groan.
“Mackie!” Pinkie Pie bounded over to the hulking stallion and squeezed his neck. “Maybe you can help us where Applejack has failed!”
“Wait, what now?” Applejack’s muzzle scrunched into a scowl. “Ah told you he likes apples!”
“Again, such scandalous allegations,” Rarity chuckled.
“Alright, fine.” Applejack waved Rarity off with her hat. “Big Mac, what sorta cake does Braeburn like? Pinkie’s got it in her head that she needs tah contribute.”
“It’s a party, AJ. Duh.” Pinkie grinned, clutching the pink crayon in her teeth. “Big McIntosh, what sort of cake does Braeburn prefer? Any specific flavors?”
Big Mac scratched the hair on his jaw line. “Ah recall that he asked for confetti cake on the birthday he spent at the Acres. It had little candy pieces baked into the batter. Good eats.”
“Ooh, that’s some good taste.” Pinkie scribbled like mad across the paper, already plotting out recipes and other mad science. “What about fruit filling?”
“Oh, do tell!” Rarity leaned forward, her smile curling up at the ends. “Was it apples? Don’t hold us in suspense! It was apples, wasn’t it?”
“You’re asking for a good—” Applejack pulled the sides of her hat down to cover her face.
Big Mac laughed. “He had raspberry fillin’, if ah recall correctly. That or it was strawberry. One of those berries. Maybe blue?”
“‘Some sort of berry.’ Got it!” Pinkie dropped the crayon and stuck her tongue out one side of her mouth. “But now I gotta figure out what sort of filling goes with confetti cake. Talk about the possibilities! Maybe I’ll just go with a frosting filling and save on time…”
Big Mac turned to Applejack and Twilight Sparkle. “Conductor says we’ve just ’bout arrived at Appleloosa. Might wanna get your stuff together.”
“Already on it,” Twilight said. “By my calculations, I gather that we are exactly ten minutes away from the town. We have ample time to collect the Crusaders and Spike from next door.”
Big Mac nodded. “That’d be just dandy if the train to Appleloosa wasn’t always eight minutes early.”
Twilight chuckled. “Oh, of course.” She blinked. “What.”
“Train’s always early. Never quite understood the math mahself, but somewhere along the line we get goin’ downhill and get a lil’ faster.”
Twilight blew a breath through her teeth. “Pinkie, hand me the crayon. I need to make some adjustments to my schedule.”
Pinkie handed her friend the writing utensil out of basic politeness, but also took the opportunity to hang a foreleg over her shoulders. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. Don’t worry about the schedule today! Don’t worry about organizing things to the letter. It’s a party! Parties are fun and fun is spontaneous!”
“Fun can also be rigidly structured.” Twilight slid off her seat as the train came to a stop. “You can’t tell me it’s impossible to have rigidly structured fun.”
“It would be silly for me to say that.” Pinkie Pie bounced her way towards the doorway, where Rarity waited. “But then, we’re not going to a hoofball game; we’re going to a coronation!”
Rarity bobbed her head in a most classy and fabulous manner. “A coronation being a ridged and structured affair. Please do remember the Gala, Pinkie. It’s more along those lines.”
Pinkie smirked out of the side of her mouth. “It’s still Appleloosa, you know.”
Fluttershy giggled from her place on the bottom bunk. Rainbow Dash swung her head down, her colorful mane trailing beneath. “What’s funny, ’Shy?”
Fluttershy held a hoof over her mouth, hiding her smile. “I was just imagining a buffalo in a tuxedo and top hat.”
Rarity indulged herself in a prolonged eye-roll. She gripped the door handle with a ready spell. “How very amusing. Ladies and gentlecolt, I give to you the height of society and fabulousity, Braeburn’s coronation!”
She slid the door outwards, expecting a sea of fancy dresses and genteel conversation. She got quite a few dresses, but her fantasy was shattered by a herd of ten-gallon hats, woops and hollers, dusty roads, and what appeared to be a carnival on the far side of the Salt Lick Saloon.
Pinkie Pie looked up at a towering Ferris wheel which glittered with lights. A bouncy house contained a small army of foals at various altitudes. Cotton candy was passed out like it was going out of style. A nearby strength test went ding as a hefty stallion hit the mallet just right.
Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye. “Every single misgiving I had about Mister Sandwich being the planner is gone forever.”
“But of course.” Rarity’s ears drooped. “You can take the pony out of the ranch, but you can’t make her drink.”
Applejack coughed into her hoof. “Ah think you got your idioms mixed up, Sugarcube.”
“I couldn’t decide which fit better.”
An elderly earth pony cackled as she disembarked from the neighboring car. “Sure as shootin’ ah was afeared ah was gonna have tah wear mah Sund’y best! Ah guess ‘buck nude’ is the word of the hour!”
Applejack failed to suppress a grin. “Now, Granny Smith, it’s proper to wear somethin’ fancy when a relation gets crowned royalty.”
Granny’s wrinkly face grew even more wrinkled when she returned the smile. “Says who? Ain’t no Apple ever gotten crowned afore. Ain’t no precedent!”
“Whatever you say, Granny,” Applejack said with a wink.
Pinkie bounced her way towards the market, her list clutched lightly in her mouth. Fluttershy raised a hoof and her voice. “Do you need any help, Pinkie?”
“Hmm…” Pinkie jumped into the air and clicked her hooves together. “Sure! The more the merrier! You can be my eye in the sky while I shop for ingredients!”
Applejack slung a foreleg over Twilight’s shoulders. “Come on, Twi. Ah’ll show yah where we keep the cider stores and we’ll have ourselves a good old fashioned taste test.”
Twilight gave her schedule one last forelorn look. Her smile brightened as she tossed it into the depths of her saddlebags. “Aw, heck. Let’s do this thing. Have fun, Spike!”
The short dragon waved as Big Mac lifted him onto his shoulders. “See you, Twilight!”
Applejack adjusted the brim of her hat. She cast a glance over her shoulder. “You comin’, RD? There’s some Sweet Apple Acres Cider in it for you.”
“Yyyeah, in a sec…” Rainbow didn’t so much as look their way when she waved them off. “You go on ahead. I’ll catch up.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow, shrugged, and trotted off to cider and victory.
Through her fog of surprised numbness, Rarity felt a tug on her leg. She looked down into the all-too-innocent face of Sweetie Belle. “Hi, Rarity! Can I go with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo and Spike and Granny Smith and Big McIntosh and go on the Ferris wheel and bumper carts and roller coaster and eat cotton candy and—”
“Stay close to either Big Mac or Granny Smith at all times,” Rarity rattled off. “Do as they say. Don’t spoil your supper. Don’t get your mane or coat dirty. Have fun, dear.”
Sweetie Belle squeezed her sister’s leg. “Thank you, Rarity!” She scampered off with her friends, in the wake of Big Mac’s hefty strides.
Rainbow Dash watched him go. She licked dry lips with a dryer tongue. She sucked in a deep breath, folded her wings at her sides and took a step forward.
“This hardly seems fair, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity moved in front of Dash, blocking her view of the red-coated stallion. “The one event in recent memory with some semblance of high-class and it turns out to be a dud!”
“Yeeeah…” Rainbow Dash glanced around quickly. “Um, at least ponies seem to be having fun. I guess I’ll be on my—”
“Fun!” Rarity shut her eyes, crossed her forehooves, and turned her snout to the sky. “Did it never occur to anypony that stuffy parties are fun?”
Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her mane. “That’s a pretty hard sell.”
“A hard sell,” Rarity said, “is a royal coronation that has a dratted pin-the-tail-on-the-pony game!”
Rainbow Dash’s head bobbed up. “They do? Cool!” A sidelong glance at Rarity’s face brought her back down. “Er, I mean, geeze that’s a hard sell.”
“A hard sell indeed.” Rarity nodded curtly. “Well, if I am to be the only source of class in this entire dustbowl of a town, then classy I shall be!”
Rainbow’s eyes scanned the crowd for any sign of a certain set of red flanks. Spotting his head above the sea of Technicolor, she spread her wings. “Well, good luck with that, Rarity. More power to you and all that. Bye—”
She rose into the air, but her tail was encased in a bubble of blue magic. “Rainbow Dash!” Rarity all but squealed. “Look!”
A troupe of ponies marched down main street, banners and streamers flying above their heads. A marching band followed after, sousaphones blaring. At the rear of the procession, a curly-maned stallion with a coat like burnt cheese hobbled under the weight of his one-pony-band, complete with accordion. The fierce expression of concentration on his face did nothing to dispel the aura of silliness surrounding the entire thing.
“Did you see that?” Rarity gasped.
“Nice parade,” Rainbow Dash said, still in Rarity’s iron grip. She scanned the crowd, but found no sign of her target. “Really nice. Liked the tune. Gonna be humming it forever. Would you let me go now?”
“He was perfect!” Rarity screeched.
Rainbow Dash fell from the sky. Her face plopped in the dirt road, her tail still held aloft by Rarity. She spat dirt and turned incredulously to her friend. “What the what?”
Rarity regained some presence of mind. She dropped the last vestiges of Rainbow and cleared her throat. “That stallion leading the procession! His bearing of silliness! His intense concentration! His ability to play one-million instruments simultaneously! Can’t you see it? He’s perfect!”
“Er…” Rainbow Dash dusted off her wings. “Um. Eh. He was kinda skinny. I thought your preferred stallions with more muscle on their—”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, I didn’t mean for me.” Rarity assisted Rainbow Dash in cleaning off the dirt long after all visible traces had been removed. “Think of this: Who among us, besides yourself, has never been in any sort of romantic relationship before?”
Rainbow scratched her chin, sending a not-entirely-surreptitious glance Big Mac’s way. “Applejack?”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Besides her.”
“Um. Fluttershy?”
“Ah. I suppose I hadn’t thought of her. But that’s not what I meant.”
“Twilight Sparkle?”
Rarity stomped a hoof. “Oh come now, I obviously mean Pinkie Pie! Why else would I look at that nut of a stallion and say ‘isn’t he just perfect?’! They complete each other! Like halves of some sort of... of particle accelerator of kookiness.”
A very cold chill, reeking of bad things to come, ran its way down Rainbow Dash’s spine. “You’re gonna meddle, aren’t you?”
“‘Meddle’ is such an ugly word.” A devious smirk worked its way across Rarity’s face. “I only want good things for my friends, Rainbow Dash. One must simply take a step forward to get things in motion.”
Rainbow sidled away from Rarity, trying to pick out individual ponies from the crowd. “About that… I was just gonna—”
“But today, things get set into motion.” Rarity chuckled from the depths of her soul. Her magic wrapped around Rainbow’s tail once more. “Today, Pinkie Pie will meet her soul mate. Whether she’s prepared to or not!”
Rainbow Dash strained against Rarity, but the unicorn’s matchmaking powers were irresistible. She was dragged backwards through Appleloosa, in the complete opposite direction of the festive carnival.
***
Braeburn Apple, Prince of Pioneering, peered around a corner. His wings trembled uncontrolled at his sides. His horn tingled atop his forehead. His hooves ground into the familiar and comforting dirt. He took a deep breath through the nose. His face brightened up. He figured that he just had to look on the bright side. There was a carnival in progress! There was candy to eat and rides to enjoy!
He looked down at his lengthened legs and hoped that he still fit in the roller coaster. He took one step out into the road.
“Aha! There you are, Prince Braeburn!”
Every single muscle in Braeburn’s body tensed. He pivoted on her hind legs and looked over at the stallion who had called his name. It was a white-coated, blond-maned stallion with a sharp horn and a delightful set of glistening wings.
“Er, Prince Blueblood, ah presume?”
Blueblood chuckled and straightened his blue bowtie with a flash of magic. “One and the same and very happy to meet you, sir. I was beginning to think that I would remain the sole male alicorn in Equestria.” There was a small twitch in his left eyelid. “It is not as pleasant as one might suppose at first blush.”
He walked alongside Braeburn as the latter headed for the festivities. “While I have learned to live with Princess Luna and Auntie Celestia, these new arrivals are an entirely different breed. Princess Vinyl Scratch has made evenings at the castle ear-splitting affairs, but she’s nice enough when she’s not getting into arguments with this friend of hers.”
Blueblood turned his eyes up and to the side. “Princess Redheart is a hard read, I’m afraid. It seems at times that she is unhappy with her circumstances. Princess Heartstings is most certainly a right terror, being the source of most of the aforementioned arguments with Princess Scratch. All told, I am honored to have another stallion by my side.”
He presented Braeburn with a congenial smile. “Now, then, down to business! How did it happen? Where and when did you ascend? Some new science? A magic discovered? A noble deed accomplished?”
“Ah wrassled a lesser desert tatzlwurm to th’ ground an’ saved a cart of settlers.” Braeburn adjusted his vest to sit higher on his shoulders. “It was kinda neat.”
Blueblood looked at Braeburn with lowered eyebrows. “Huh.”
“That pretty much sums it up.” Braeburn tipped his hat. “How ’bout you?”
“I made a robot.” Blueblood sucked in his lips. “One that tried to take over Equestria in my name”
“Huh.” Braeburn spread his wings. He examined the feathers waving in the wind. “Ah guess ascension is a real funny thing, ain’t it?”
“Completely, my good fellow,” Blueblood said.
They were a short ways into the marketplace when Braeburn caught sight of two familiar faces. “Oh hay, just saw a couple of mah cousin’s friends. Ah’m gonna say hi.” He trotted their way, waving a hoof. “Hay, Miss Fluttershy! Hay, Miss Pinkie Pie!”
Fluttershy turned around to return the greeting. Her eyes fell on the stallion beside Braeburn, one who brought memories only of terrifying things: Robots and yelling and bad manners! She squeaked and hid behind Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie had no such qualms about facing the ponies before her. “Hi, Braeburn! Hi, Bluey!”
Blueblood froze. Memories flooded back of the pink mare: Hyperactiveness and unpredictability and itching powder. He gulped and disappeared behind Braeburn.
“So Braeburn,” Pinkie Pie said. She jumped to his side in a single bound, leaving Fluttershy cowering behind a fruit stand. “Just the stallion I wanted to see! I just heard it was your coronation—total congratulations, by the way!—and I knew it in my knower that you needed a coronation cake. Or three, if I can get enough ingredients. So, Big Mac said you liked confetti cake, right?”
“Uh, yeah. Ah love confetti cake.” Braeburn did his best to ignore the stallion hyperventilating behind him. “Darn near puts a smile on mah face all by itself.”
“Excellent!” Pinkie pulled the pink crayon out of her mane and scribbled on a notepad she pulled from who-knows-where. “Now what about the fruit filling? You have a thing for berries, or were you more into the whole ‘frosting everywhere’ craze?”
“Raspberry’s mah favorite, but whatever you can scrounge up in time should do the trick.” He smiled at her. “Thanks kindly. Ah ain’t had a homemade cake in ages!” He peered around Pinkie to catch sight of Fluttershy, who had gathered up the courage to peek out from under her hooves. “Nice tah see you gals again. Is Applejack around?”
“I heard she was gonna go sampling the cider.” Pinkie giggled. “I think the others followed her there. Keep an eye out and you’ll see them!”
Braeburn nodded. “Ah intend to.”
Pinkie gathered Fluttershy up and held her hoof. “See you later, Braeburn, Blueblood! Hi-ho, Fluttershy! To the batter!”
They raced off, Fluttershy spreading her wings in an attempt to keep up.
Braeburn smiled. “Nice folks, those Ponyville types, you know?”
Blueblood tilted his head to the side, a morose expression overtaking him. “So I’ve heard,” he groaned.
Braeburn’s wings leaped out against his will. He took them in his hooves and tried to force them back against his sides. “So what do yah wanna do? We got rides, games, greasy food, just about anythin’ you could want from a party!”
Blueblood smirked. “I’m noting a distinct lack of hors d'oeuvres and live music.”
At that very moment, Cheese Sandwich marched by at the head of his band. Blueblood watched in silence as the procession passed.
Braeburn nudged him. “One outta two ain’t bad, right? How’s about that roller coaster?”
Blueblood smirked. He let loose a hollow chuckle. “Prince Braeburn, you do not wish to see me on a—”
A shout rose above the sound of the crowd, threatening to spread gray hairs to all who knew the source. “Cutie Mark Crusaders Ferris Wheel Operators, yay!”
“Roller coaster it is,” Blueblood said, marching double-time.