You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

by Tatsurou


The Temple - Part Three

The new ring they entered had a large, spiked, metal cylinder rolling around inside it. Getting past it, they saw it was only spiked on the edges, so they jumped on top of it to ride it around to another ladder, leading to another section of the temple. As they climbed it, though, it dropped downward.

"Guess we don't have to ride around on top of that wheel again," Calliope pointed out.

"Pity," Pinkie pouted. "It was fun."

"Well maybe we can-" Kratos began.

The cylinder dropped into a pit that opened up in the floor, and rolled no more. The pit then closed over it.

"Wow," Pinkie mumbled. "So much for fun."

Following the path at the top of the ladder, they reached a wide open amphitheater resembling an incomplete colosseum. As they approached the center, a small, green, fluffy, lion-like dog climbed up the side, growling at them.

"Aww, it's so cute!" Pinkie squealed.

"Can we keep it?" Calliope begged Kratos.

The canine promptly expanded in a flare of red energy to the size of a horse, sprouting two extra heads. All three heads now had fire leaking from their mouths.

Pinkie and Calliope both stared. "So can we keep it?" Pinkie asked Kratos.

Kratos blinked for a bit. "Tell you what," he allowed. "If you can train it to obey you, we can keep it. But otherwise, we have to treat it like any other monster."

Pinkie promptly tackled the cerberus to its back and began scratching its belly. "Who's a good puppy? Yes you is! Yes you is!"

The beast growled at first, struggling against her, but eventually the angry grimaces became joyful smiles, and its left hind leg began kicking spasmodically.

"I'm going to keep this one!" Calliope said happily, scratching another small one that had shown up which was wriggling happily in her lap, nomming on her other gauntlet hand like a chew toy.

Kratos could only stare. He then shook his head ruefully. "I promised myself to stop being surprised by you, Pinkie."

"I'm gonna call him Fluffy!" Pinkie said happily.

"I'm naming mine Leonidas!" Calliope agreed.

However, as they released the canines, they started growling again...until Pinkie fed each of the four heads a cupcake. Then they all assumed puppyish eager to please expressions with matching wagging tails. Other canine creatures started to appear, but Fluffy and Leonidus growled at them and they promptly fled.

"...that was unexpected," Kratos admitted before leading the way onward.

As they progressed, Fluffy and Leonidas proved most effective in fighting the monsters - both large and small - that they faced. Fluffy used his mass to bowl over smaller foes and keep larger ones in check, while Leonidas demonstrated a preference for jumping on heads and biting, tearing chunks out of whatever he could sink his teeth into. Both also healed any damage they took by eating the dead monsters, though they showed a marked preference for Pinkie's cupcakes. Between the canine's evasion and Calliope's indestructible nature, they were able to rush the wave of archers that blocked their path without breaking stride.

As other mini-cerberus monsters fled from Fluffy, this resulted in a drastic reduction in monsters they actually had to deal with, so Pinkie and Calliope entertained themselves by teaching their "new puppies" to play catch by throwing severed monster heads as treats.

After passing through a rotating chamber, they continued onward. Kratos was at first concerned about how Fluffy and Leonidas would manage the rock climb that led to the next path, but it seemed their claws were designed for scaling sheer cliffs as well as rending flesh. Calliope climbed up in much the same way as Kratos, while Pinkie rode Fluffy.

Entering an indoors section of the Temple, they found several soldiers hanging from the ceiling in cages. Further in there was a plaque demanding offering the 'ultimate sacrifice' to appease the gods. Putting a large rock on the switch to make the burners come out, Pinkie laid some odd looking lumps on the stone in a tray. Pulling the lever, the flames erupted, cooking the dough into cupcakes. She then placed the icing on them, causing the stone to lower into the ground, where the gods could be heard devouring the treats as the sacrifice was sent to Olympus as the gate opened.

"Pretty sure we were supposed to burn one of the soldiers," Calliope murmured in relief.(1)

"Cupcakes taste much better than human flesh," Pinkie proclaimed happily. "Just ask Fluffy and Leonidas!" The four canine heads nodded eagerly in agreement.

In the next chamber, they found an altar to Poseidon, where Kratos acquired a new artifact, Poseidon's Trident. As he already possessed its ability to breathe underwater, he gave it to Calliope to give her greater freedom of movement underwater.

"Yay!" Pinkie cried happily. "Now we can all go swimming together!"

Leonidas and Fluffy expressed their joy by promptly leaping into the water surrounding the altar and beginning to sport about. Pinkie donned her mask, snorkel, and fins to join them, while Kratos and Calliope entered more sedately.

With Poseidon's Trident, Calliope could cause herself to float upward in water instead of sinking to the bottom and having to walk across as she had before. After a brief swim through an underwater passage, they pulled a switch that opened a new path that they returned to behind the massive statue of Poseidon that had watched over the Trident. After dealing with a few harpies, they took the new passage.

After swimming through a great many underwater obstacles, they entered a room with a massive statue of a woman. Getting to the top, they read an inscription.

Amphitrite, Poseidon's faithful wife, will forever watch over this cursed room. Only she knows the secret way out.

"Will you tell us for a cupcake, Miss Amphitrite?" Pinkie offered, holding up a cupcake.

The cupcake vanished, and the secret exit opened for them.

"Thank you!" Pinkie said happily as they all took the secret path out of the room in shifts, as it wasn't quite large enough for them all to take at once.

Following it through, they came up in the chamber with the light crystal statues in the outer ring before continuing onward.


(1) Did you know the achievement for clearing this part in the newer versions of the game is called "Totally Baked"?