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// Cogito, ergo sum 
// Story: Just Smile 
// by Inky Scrolls 
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I shouldn't have done it. I should have been more careful. I should have thought more about what could happen. So I keep telling myself, and so I know to be true. I wish I had listened to my friends when they tried to warn me. They were only trying to look after me. Oh, why didn't I listen to them? Things would be so much better if I had.

It's all my fault. No matter what the others say, I won't let myself blame them. They blame themselves, for not teaching me the danger, but I won't blame them. It was not their fault. It was all mine. My own idiotic, careless actions. Stupid Pinkie! Bad Pinkie! Why did you do it, Pinkie?

I know why I did it. It seemed like such a good idea. Let me tell you all about. I've got nothing else to do, anyway.

It all started when I went to the library one day. I used to do that all the time, to visit Twilight and Spike, or get a book on rocks to lend to Maud when she visited, or to meet up with all my other friends. We always used to go there. Although it was a public place, open to all ponies, it felt like our special place. Somewhere just for us seven to go. We had such fun there. I had hoped we would again, one day. But I know we never will. Not now. Not after what has happened.

Anyway, I went to the library one day as usual. I had a book about Mineral Ethics in the Shirelands to take back, as well as an invitation from Spike to bake cookies with him whilst Twilight was in Canterlot. She'd been going there more and more recently, since she became a princess and all. But she still made time for me, for all of us. She's a good friend.

When I got to the library, the door was already open. So I pronked inside with my book and was about to call out to Spike, when I heard voices coming from upstairs. I didn't want to interrupt a conversation, so I just waited downstairs.

I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but I could tell it was Spike and Twilight and Fluttershy. I thought about going up to see them, but then Twilight came downstairs.

“Hello Pinkie!”, she said. I said hello back and then she told me she was just about to leave for Canterlot, and that I must make sure that I have a good time with Spike, and make lots of cookies, and to be more careful than last time, because ovens were expensive.

Then she left, and Spike came down the steps from her bedroom. “Hi Spike!”

We exchanged greetings and, after he asked me to stop squishing him and I said sorry, we went into the kitchen. Then I remembered Fluttershy. “Hey Spike, isn't Flutterbutter up there?”

Spike looked confused, but then he smiled. “Oh yeah! Wait, I'll go and get her.” Then he went back into the main library bit – you know, the bit with the books in and the horse thing – and called up the stairs. “Hey Fluttershy! Are you gonna come down?”

I didn't hear what she said but Spike came in and said she wasn't coming in yet. I was sad, because I like Fluttershy a lot. She's nice. Then we started making cookies.

It took ages, but when we had done we went back into the library. I pronked upstairs to see if Fluttershy was still there, but she'd already gone. I think she flew through the window. I didn't know why she didn't say hello, we're the best of friends! “Hey Spikey, where did Flutters go?”

Spike said he didn't know. Then we played games in the library, like hide and seek and tag and stuff. Tag doesn't work really with only two people. And build-up tag is worse. And scarecrow tag isn't even worth playing, you just end up standing there waiting for something to happen while the pony who's 'it' runs around getting tired.

But we didn't play for long because the cookies were soon done! So we went back into the kitchen and Spike and me got the cookies out and ate one each and they burned my tongue a bit but it's okay cos I'm used to hot stuff like the suprehot sauce from Twilight's Welcome to Ponyville party. Also Maud likes hot stuff so we have chilli and curry when she comes over.

I was looking round waiting for Fluttershy to come back but then Spike told me to sit down a moment. He said he had something important to tell me. “Pinkie? I have something... important to tell you.” See?

So I stopped bouncing and looking around and he said that he wsn't sure if he should tell me. But I told him that I reeeeally wanted to know so he said “alright them. But you mustn't tell anypony else, 'kay?” And I gave my word, and Pinkie Promise, which is like a normal promise but it's got 'Pinkie' in it.

Then he motioned to me to come closer. And I did and he said “closer!” So I moved closer and he whispered in my ear: “Fluttershy went home because of you.”

And I was surprised, because Fluttershy is my friend, and she wouldn't leave me like that without saying hello. So I asked him why, and he said he didn't know if he should tell me why but I reminded him that I had Pinkie Promised not to tell and so he sighed and told me. “She kinda... sorta likes you. You know, like, like-likes you.”

And I gasped and was shocked and everything like that, because I didn't know. And I didn't know what to say, but then Spike put his claw on my foreleg and said: “I didn't think I should tell you, but... Fluttershy was too afraid to tell you, and I felt so sorry for her, and so I thought I should tell you, and...” He stopped speaking in the middle of his sentence, which is not right because you should always finish a sentence, because they have to have full stops on.

But I didn't mention this to him because I was thinking about what he said. “You mean – she like-likes me? Like... she loves me?” And he nodded and I had to think for a bit.

And the more I thought, the more I realised I might, maybe, sort of like-like Fluttershy too. But I wasn't sure, so I asked Spike, because he was still there. This is what he said:

“If you like-like somepony, you feel funny when you're with them. Or when you're thinking about them. At least, that's what I feel like when I'm with Rarity. And you want to look after them, and care for them. And when they're hurt, you feel like you've been hurt.”

And I thought about that. And I thought about Fluttershy. And I felt funny in my tummy, like butterflies were there. But I didn't know whether I felt funny because of Fluttershy, or because of the cookie and the running around playing tag.

I suppose... not all of this is important. I mean, it's important to me, but it's not what I was going to tell you about. At least, it kind of is, but only for background. Like when Twilight says that when I write a book I should introduce a new character instead of just making everypony know them already. That's called 'background'. So now I'll jump to a few days later, when Twilight is back and the oven is still fixed, and I have thought about how I feel about Fluttershy.

I hadn't seen her in all the time since Spike told me how she felt. But I felt... I kinda felt like I might feel the same way. It felt strange, but the more I thought, the more I realised that I did like-like Fluttershy. I did love her. And when I told myself “Pinkie Pie, you love Fluttershy,” it felt all right inside, like I was all happy and wanted to make Flutters happy too.

So I decided to visit her. And I wish I hadn't. Because now everything is wrong, and I can't fix it.

I got to her house about teatime. I knew I should have waited till the day after, but I wanted to see her straightaway, now that I knew how I felt about her. I pronked up the path and knocked on the door.

“Fluttershy? Are you in there?” There wasn't an answer, so I went round the back. And she was there, talking to Angel Bunny. She had her back to me, but he saw me and pointed. She turned round and saw me and squeaked. She sounded to cute! I love the way she squeaks when she's surprised.

“H-hey Pinkie,” she said. “How're you?”

And I could tell she was nervous, and I was too, but it was important that I tell her. “Great thanks, Flutterbutter! I need to tell you something.”

Her eyes began darting round everywhere, but then she nodded her head. “Come inside.”

We went in, and I sat down. She stood by the stairs, looking like she was about to fly up them and out of a window. So I tried to make sure she stayed calm, because I didn't want her to get upset or anxious... I suppose that's because I love her, isn't it?

“Fluttershy,” I began. She was quivering, so I got up and put my hoof round her. She flinched, but didn't move away, and slowly she relaxed. “It's okay, Flutters. I – I know how you feel about me.”

She gawked at me, wide-eyed, shock and anxiety and worry and fear and hope and everything all flashing in them at one. She tried to get away, but I asked her to wait. “Please, Fluttershy! Let me finish speaking.” She was breathing very quickly, but I let go and looked her squarely in the eye. “Fluttershy, I know how you feel... Spike told me. Please don't be mad at him, he was trying to help! He told me three days ago, and I've been thinking about it since then.”

Again, she made as if to flee, but I reached out to her and smiled. “And I think – I think, maybe, I kinda feel the same way...”

The look in her eyes changed again, to surprise and shock and excitement and hope again. “Really, Pinkie? Do you really like-like me?” And I slowly nodded and we both smiled and hugged and stuff.

Then she pulled away from me, and looked at me, muzzle to muzzle, right in the eye. “Pinkie...” she whispered. I could feel my heartbeat speeding up, and I could see her looking at me and I thought “wow, I really love her!” And I leaned forward, and we kissed. Oh, how wonderful that kiss was! Her lips felt so soft and warm under mine, kissing me back. I will always remember those few seconds, as long as I live.

After that, we decided to tell the others, to make our relationship official. Fluttershy was a bit scared at first, but I told her that I loved her, and that we could do anything together. So she cheered up, and we went to tell the others.

They took the news well, even better than I thought they would. Twilight didn't seem to fully understand what we meant when we said we 'loved' each other, but cheered for us anyway, and then went to look it up in Understanding Ponies, which is a book about understanding ponies, and Applejack smiled and wished us both the best, and Rainbow Dash said she couldn't believe Flutters was finally going out with me. Rarity looked a bit disapproving at first. She said that she thought only a stallion and a mare should have feelings for each other, but we said that we really did love each other, so she relented and, truthfully I think, said she was happy for us.

So everything was perfect! I had Fluttershy, and she had me, and we loved each other. I had never been happier, and I don't hink I ever will be again. Everything was just... perfect.

We met each other usually once a day, unless I had a really big party to organise or she had lots of animals to care for, though even then we often helped each other. Normally about twice a week we would have tea at the other's house, though sometimes it was more often than that.

Then came that day. One day, one fateful day, I was having tea at Fluttershy's house. Only Angel Bunny was there with us, and he was being very friendly. I think he was pleased that it was me that Fluttershy was going out with. He has always been quite protective of Flutters.

Fluttershy has got electric lights and stuff, like the Cakes' house and like the library and the Carousel Boutique, so we usually ate our tea in electric light. But today I thought of something different. “Shy-Shy, why don't we use candles instead? That would make it even more extra-romantic!”

She liked the idea, so she went to get candles. She came back with three, to make a triangle between us. Angle Bunny decided to go upstairs... I think he knew we'd like to be alone for a bit. He's a clever bunny.

Flutters had only brought one match through with her though, and that burnt out before she lit the last candle. I didn't want her to have to get up again if she didn't have to, so I picked up a candle that she'd already lit and tried to light the last one with that. But the wax was already hot, and it hurt my hoofsie. I youched and let go by mistake, and it fell over.

It lit the other candle, but it also lit the tablecloth. We tried to put it out, but then the fire went through to the table. Then it got down to the floor, and me and Shy-Shy had to quickly move away because it was getting really hot. Stupid Pinkie, daft Pinkie! You should have thought before you acted like an idiot.

Before we could do anything, the fire was completely out of control. Flutters' house is made of wood, and soon we could tell that we couldn't put the fire out. Fluttershy ran upstairs to get Angel, and I went round waking up the other critters that were in the other downstairs rooms. I got them all out, but then I saw a little kitten under the stairs... he was mewling, and looked too frightened to move.

So I ran over and scooped him up. Fluttershy was still upstairs getting Angel and the other animals up there awake. Then I heard a noise, a creaking sound. I was still under the stairs, so I tried to get away with the kitten in case the steps were going to give way. But I was wrong. It wasn't the stairs groaning and creaking, it was the ceiling of the living-room. As I stepped out and began running to the door, trying to avoid the fire which was getting bigger and bigger, there was a loud CRACK! And I looked up, and saw the burning ceiling coming down, and threw the little ginger kitten towards the open door, and everything went black.


* * *


I have never woken up. Not properly. I mean, I'm awake now, but everything is still black. I cannot see, I cannot move. I can't laugh, or play with the others, or bounce around. I cannot even cry, no matter how much I want to. It doesn't matter how much I hurt in my body and in my mind, I can never do anything about it. But I can hear.

I am in a hospital, Twilight tells me. She told me what happened after I blacked out. Apparently, the ceiling that fell on me had had Fluttershy above it at the time. Her ceilings are also the floors of the rooms above, because her cottage is so old. So when the ceiling came down on me, she fell as well, and was also knocked out. The fire carried on burning and Angle Bunny, who was already outside, began to get worried. He came to the front door and saw me and Shy-Shy inside, lying there on the floor with all the broken timbers.

He ran to get help. He ran and ran and ran, all the way to the library. It took a while before Twilight followed him, because she was caught up in an experiment, but she came in the end. When she was the burning cottage, she teleported straight to it. She cast a fire-resistance spell on herself, and raced inside. She came as quickly as she could, and teleported us both outside as fast as was possible, but it was too late.

Too late! What horrible words! But it's true. Twilight came too late, and it wasn't her fault. It wasn't Angel's fault. It was mine. If I had been more careful, the cottage would still be standing. If I had been more careful, Fluttershy and I would not have suffered the terrible injuries we both did. If I had been more careful... she would still be alive.

Yes, you heard me right. Fluttershy died. She breathed in too much smoke, and was burned too badly by the flames. Her house is an empty ruin, and she will never be able to repair it. My stupidity cost her her life. I don't matter. The pain I feel doesn't matter. She lost her life, and I lost a friend, because of my own actions. I really hate you, Pinkamine Diane Pie.

You don't deserve the name of Pie. You disgrace it! You killed your best friend, your first ever and bestest fillyfriend! You were not clever enough even to light a candle, and now your friend is dead, and buried, and gone.

I couldn't be at her funeral. I can't leave this hospital. They think I never will be able to. I don't think I will either. And I don't think I'd want to, even if I could. Angel Bunny comes to visit me. He never speaks, because he can't, but I can always tell it's him, because he snuffles my hooves and my mane and cries on my face.

I wish I could cry. But I can't. I can only lie here, like a statue. But not like a statue, because I can hear, and feel. But I know now how Discord must have felt, for all those years, just standing there, stuck inside the stone in the Gardens. It's horrible. That beep-beep-beep from the machines around me; it gets in your head. I even hear it in my dreams. I like it when I dream. I'm happy then. But it's horrible to wake up, and have to remember all over again what happened. But what I think is the worst is having your friends talk to you, and not be able to talk back. They never know what I'm thinking. But they do know when I'm awake. They have machines and things to tell them when I can hear them.

Twilight and the nurses and doctors all say that I am in a 'coma'. I don't know what one of those is... or at least I didn't. I do now, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit!

I will never wake up. I have better hearing than the doctors think, and I've heard them talking about me when they think I can't hear. They say that I will never be able to wake up, and will never be able to play. I will never laugh, or sing, or greet new ponies to Ponyville with my welcome-cart. And I will never be able to say goodbye to Fluttershy, the one who I love most of all.

They brought her in, a day or so after the fire, to say goodbye to me. I was still unconscious then, and would be for another three days. But Rarity told me that Rainbow Dash insisted that Fluttershy be brought into my room so that we could be together for one last time. Neither of us will remember it. But I'm glad that they did that. It's like we did say goodbye, even though we didn't know it at the time.

My friends care for me. All sorts of ponies have come by to visit since the accident, even the Princesses. Discord refused to visit for weeks, because he blamed me for Fluttershy's death. And even though he says he's forgiven me, I know he hasn't. And neither have I. I hate me.

I despise myself. If I hadn't been more stupid, if I had been more careful, if I had thought first, if, if, if. There's no point, now, to my life. Fluttershy is gone, because I killed her. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dead, because nothing seems really any more. But I remember something that Twilight said to me once. She said that it was a quote from somepony called Renhay Haycart: 'Cogito, ergo sum.' I think, therefore I am. As long as I think, I must be alive, even if it's only in my own head. But maybe I don't want to be alive anymore. Maybe I've had enough of lying here, not able even to move by myself, hating myself and wondering what might have been... I think my time has come.

I'm coming, Fluttershy. I won't abandon you. I couldn't save you before, but that doesn't mean I'll leave you forever. I love you, and I am coming to see you again.

Not long now.