The second instalment of the collection that makes everypony just wanna "I don't even..."!
Enjoy.
The next morning, Celestia woke up, got dressed, and went downstairs as usual. Luna hadn’t left her room yet, so Celestia took it upon herself to prepare breakfast.
Unfortunately, Celestia hadn’t much experience with baking.
That was what the royal guards usually did.
But Celestia was feeling determined that morning. “How hard can it be?” She opened the cabinet and took out an ancient cookbook.
“Let’s see…three cups of flour…two eggs…some vinegar…strawberries…orange peel…”
She was halfway done when a thought occurred to her. “I’ve forgotten the baking soda!”
She opened a tub of baking soda and scooped a spoonful into the mixture.
Then she looked over the recipe. “Let’s see…after the baking soda…where is it?...baking soda…”
There was no baking soda in the recipe.
At the bottom of the page was a note written in blue ink.
“Celestia, if you’re reading this, Luna recommends not adding baking soda. It doesn’t mix well with vinegar.”
Celestia re-read the recipe.
“Two cups vinegar. No baking soda.”
The CMC Hazmat Team was called into duty for the second time.
Chapter Two-Point-One: in Which Celestia is Generous (And a Bit Hasty)
“Why, thank you!” Celestia said to Maud Pie. “The new statue looks fantastic!”
Maud Pie took a step back from the new statue. It was one of Celestia, standing atop a hill majestically. Maud had even used rubies, emeralds, and lapis to make the mane colors. The old, depressing statue sat somewhere in the Everfree Forest, and eventually, the plants and animals refused to come within ten feet of it, making for a rather odd circular clearing.
“However can I repay you?”
Maud shook her head.
“I’m okay.”
“No, really! It’s beautiful!”
“I’m okay.”
“How about two thousand bits?”
“I’m okay.”
“Four thousand?”
“I’m okay.”
“I’ll let you stay at the castle for free!”
“Im okay.”
Celestia snapped.
Suddenly, Maud was floating in an ethereal plane of little blue stars while pictures of her lifetime floated around her.
Then she was back in the garden next to the statue.
“You’re welcome,” said Celestia.
Maud looked at herself.
“I have wings and a horn,” she said.
“But I’d rather be a rock.”
…
“I could write a poem about that.
Rock.
It is what I want to be.
A rock.
Gray.
And hard.
Which is what a rock is.
Which is what I want to be.”
Chapter Two-Point-Two: In Which Celestia is My Waifu
Princess Celestia, will you marry me?
“No.”
*Sob*
Chapter Two-Point-Three: In Which Celestia Is Celestia
She is.
Chapter Two-Point-Four: In Which Celestia Punishes Me for Making Chapter 2.3 So Boring
The moon really sucks.
Chapter Two-Point-Five: In Which Celestia Gets Herself Stuck
Celestia was feeling a bit hungry. It was noon, and she’d only had a sandwich. “I’ll stop at Sugarcube Corner,” she said to herself, trotting along.
“Welcome, Princess! We’ve got PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES!”
“They sound lovely. I’ll take some.”
Pinkie handed Celestia a peanut butter cookie. Unfortunately, she dropped it on the floor. “Oops…sorry…”
“That’s quite all right.” While Pinkie went off to get more cookies, Celestia decided to take a seat. She went to walk over to the nearest chair…
And her leg did not come off the floor.
She looked down. Her hoof was coated in peanut butter and cookie crumbs. “Oh, dear…”
She tried to magic her way out. It didn’t work. She tried flying; it didn’t work. She tried licking it off. Disgusting, and it didn’t work. And ponies were starting to stare and give her weird looks. “Pinkie!” she called.
“In a sec!” replied Pinkie. Celestia sighed. Then she remembered something.
Pinkie came out of the back, carrying a fresh tray of cookies, and all that was left was a golden horseshoe stuck to the floor.
Chapter Two-Point-Six: In Which Celestia Tries her Hoof at Video Games
“Luna?” Celestia walked into Luna’s room to find Luna’s tank computer on and Luna missing. “Are you here? I wish to discuss something with you. The bread. Did you eat the last slice?” No answer.
Celestia looked over at the two-foot-wide screen. “I wonder what it is she does on here all the time?”
She tapped a button labeled “MINECRAFT v. 1.8.1”
The screen displayed a pixelated 3D world.
There were buttons that made the player move, jump, and dig. Celestia soon discovered that the player could also gather resources and create new items with them.
Luna walked into her room. “Now back to Foal of Duty III…”
“Die, zombie scum!”
“SISTER! WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO OUR HOUSE?! WHERE DIDST THIS FIRE COME FROM?!?!”
Chapter Two-Point-Seven: In Which Celestia Dies
Not really. What would become of the royal waifu then?
Chapter Two-Point-Eight: In Which Celestia is Embarrassed (And it’s Spike’s Fault)
After going back to Canterlot to retrieve a spare horseshoe, Celestia returned to Ponyville to relax.
“I suppose I’ll go drop by Twilight’s house.”
Twilight was not home. There was only Spike, sweeping the floor (the only thing he ever seems to do). “Oh, hello, Princess,” he said. “Didn’t expect to see you here.”
“Is Twilight home?” asked Celestia. “I thought I’d drop by.”
“Nah, she’s out with Zecora,” replied Spike. “You’re welcome to stay if you want, though.”
Celestia took the opportunity to go up to Twilight’s room and lie down on her bed.
“I suppose I’ll take a quick nap…”
A little known fact about Princess Celestia is that the royal sleep involves very little lying still.
Twilight came home an hour later. “Spike! I’m back!”
“Welcome back, Twilight,” replied Spike. “By the way, there was something I was supposed to tell you…never mind, it’ll come to me.”
“Spike?”
“Yeah?”
“Why is Princess Celestia on my bed…drooling…and with her legs…spread apart…like that…?”
Celestia woke up right around then.
“Oh buck.”
Chapter Two-Point-Nine: In Which Celestia Has a Sleepover By Accident
Nighttime fell shortly after Celestia ran home to hide in the castle. “Luna!” she called. “If Twilight comes over, tell her I’m not here. The future of Equus depends on it.”
“Can’t hear you. Gaming.”
“Never mind, then.”
Celestia went up to her room. “Perhaps tomorrow will bring a better turn of events.”
Twilight Sparkle appeared out of nowhere and landed on the ground next to the Princess’ bed.
Celestia nearly had a horn attack.
“Twilight! Is something the matter?”
“Truth or dare. Rainbow dared Spike to mail somepony with his dragon fire. It was me.”
Shortly afterwards, one by one, the other ponies started appearing. “Spike had me come get you,” said Rainbow.
“And he had me come get Rainbow,” said Rarity.
“And he had me come get Rarity,” said Pinkie, and so on. Even Derpy somehow ended up in Celestia’s room.
“This is not happening…” moaned Celestia.
Luna took that opportunity to peek through the door.
“*gasp* Are we having a sleepover?! I wish to participate! I shall get the popcorn and gory chainsaw movies!”
“I…just wanted…a good night’s sleep…”
“What was that, Princess? Couldn’t hear over Luna’s MPony3 player.”