“Prepare to meet a gruesome end the likes of which you have never before thought was possible!” Dio jumped from the edge of his throne, appearing in just a moment’s time before Deadpool and Fluttershy, like the shutter of a camera had just made him skip through space. “Unless, of course, you agree to work for me and give up whatever loyalty you have to your precious princess.”
Fluttershy peeked her head out from Deadpool’s shadow to fixate Dio with a murderous glare… well, more like a disapproving stare… actually, the best she could do was a stink eye, and even then it looked apologetic after a few seconds. “Betray Celestia? How could you even think we’d ever do something so horrible?”
“Yeah, that’s completely despicable!” Deadpool added, pointing a single digit at Dio’s face. “Betray the princess? You loco in the coco? Are you kookoo for Cocoa Puffs? Like I’d ever,” Deadpool poked Dio’s chest, “ever,” now he was poking his face, “eveeeeeeeeeeeeer,” and now his finger was in Dio’s eye, with Dio’s face being unemotional all the while, “agree to anything as ridiculous as that.”
Dio smiled a fanged grin, completely indifferent to Deadpool’s very dirty finger in his eye. “Very well.” Dio held up his hand, Deadpool’s dismembered limb hanging between his fingers, dripping blood and some bone marrow all over the floor. “I suppose the alternative of a long, painful, agonizing death is a better alternative.”
Deadpool looked at his hand still in Dio’s eye, then at the general area where his arm used to be, now leaking blood like a bodily Old Faithful. Looking down to Fluttershy, he said, “Dude does make a good point. Heck, he’s even using my pointer to point it out.”
“Deadpool, we just can’t betray the princess!” Fluttershy reminded him.
“We can betray her a little bit. Y’know, to keep on breathing.”
“Deadpool!”
“What about a tiiiiiiny bit? Just a smidge? Add a little dollop of traitor to make the pie of life taste all the sweeter?”
“Now you’re just making weird metaphors again.”
“Oh, well, excuuuuuuse me.” Deadpool pulled his finger out of Dio’s eye and snatched his arm out of Dio’s hand, attempting to slap it back to its leaking like a toddler’s diaper stump. “I get a little backstaby when I lose too much blood and my arm!”
“Why does this guy… vampire… drag queen want us to side with him anyway?” Fluttershy asked, waving her hoof at his sizable vampire army. “He already has all the minions he could want.”
“Because, my dear, you’re close to Celestia, and would make excellent targets to distract her while I prepare my feast,” Dio answered, smug grin being as unpleasing to the eyes as possible. “Those closest to the heart make for the easiest entrance, no?”
“You want… to eat Celestia?” Fluttershy asked, visibly green.
“Man, that’s gonna take a whole lotta steak sauce to cover her with. Especially her beauteous maximus region.” Fluttershy shot Deadpool a glare, of which he replied with, “Oh, my bad. I meant her butt. Jeez, have you seen the thing? Damn wonder she doesn’t cause an eclipse each time she flies.”
“I have no interest in consuming the princess,” Dio said. “I merely want her blood for myself. All of it, if I’m able to. Which, looking how things are going for me now, is a high possibility.”
“But why Celestia of all ponies?” Fluttershy asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Dio said, his head cocked to the side. His smile was noticeably wider than ever. “For her power! If I could drink her blood, then I shall control the paths of the sun and moon whenever I wanted! No longer shall I have to live in fear of sunlight! Instead, I shall turn this entire world dark, with me being the only light for those we are left! I shall be the ruler of this world and any others that fall in my path as I consume more and more power until the entire universe is under my foot, forever trapped in darkness and the black of night!”
What followed was evil methodical laughter. Fluttershy stared at Dio in a mix of terror, disturbance, and overall confusion. Deadpool cheered to himself when he finally got his arm back on.
Looking to Deadpool, Fluttershy asked, “Deadpool, are you seriously going to let this guy get away with this?”
“I’dunno, maybe.”
“Deadpool!”
“Oh, fine, fine,” Deadpool grumbled under his breath. Facing Dio, he flipped him the bird and said duly, “Out of all the villains I’ve been associated with--and trust me when I say that’s a higher population than most small countries--you have, hands down, the worst evil laugh I’ve ever seen.”
“WRYYYYYY!” Dio shouted, his face steaming now. “You dare insult my evil gloating?!”
“Unless you’re deaf along with being dumb, yes, I did.” Deadpool pulled out his favorite mini-uzi and went to town emptying the entire clip into Dio’s face. “Here, I hear lead is wonderful with helping your hearing.”
After around five seconds of uninterrupted round burst, Deadpool withdrew his uzi. Dio’s face was smoking, but there wasn’t a scratch on him. Instead, he smiled, a river of bent and dented bullets pouring out of his mouth.
Deadpool clicked the trigger of his gun to no avail, and then promptly realized that things were about to become painful.
“Oh shi--”
“THE WORLD!”
Extremely painful.
“WRYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
Scratch that. A monumental amount of pain.