A pony approached Conrad, lying on the ground, clutching his bruised gonads. That is to say, Conrad was clutching his own testicles. The pony was certainly not touching Conrad's testicles. That would have been a highly inappropriate thing for a stranger to do, unless this was one of those clop fanfictions where the plot doesn't really matter, in which case one person might say something like, "Hello, stranger! I will touch your gonads now!" and the other person might say, "I see nothing wrong with this!" This is not one of those stories. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with clop, I just-
Oh, right. The story.
Let's try this again.
Conrad lay on the ground, writhing in agony.
"Oh dear," said a pony as she approached him. "You have had a rough time here, haven't you? Well, don't worry. I'll take you to my place, and you can rest there until you feel better."
With that she picked him up and carried him off.
"I just hope Discord doesn't mind the company."
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Conrad opened his eyes. He was in some pony's bedroom, lying under the covers. He tried moving, but his bruised and battered body screamed in protest at him. The first thing he noticed was a pony with a light coat and a pink mane.
"Oh, I hope you weren't hurt too badly," she said. "Rainbow Dash means well, but she can be a little over-enthusiastic."
A draconequus in the room scoffed. "Oh, please," he said. "You know as well as I do that the pony is a maniac."
"She means well," the pony said insistently.
"Whatever. I have half a mind to pretend to be evil again."
"No!" she cried. "You remember how much trouble you got in the last time you did that?"
"Well I wouldn't have had to do it in the first place if you ponies didn't always jump to conclusions about me! 'Oh, Discord summoned some chocolate rain! He must mean to overthrow the ruling monarchy and replace it with chaos and anarchy!'"
Conrad nodded. "That does seem to be about right for ponies," he said.
"And what about you?" Discord asked Conrad. "Aren't you going to say anything about me? Hmm? Perhaps you would like to assume that I'm mind-controlling you, instead of accepting responsibility for your own stupidity?"
Conrad shook his head. "Nope. I'm pretty sure that my stupid actions are mostly my own fault. It doesn't help that everybody here jumps to conclusions about me, but at the end of the day I'm responsible for my own actions."
The draconequus's jaw hit the ground. Then he started laughing. "Oh man, I love this guy!"
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"Okay, so I'm playing around with Luna," Discord said, "and Celestia comes along. Now bear in mind that we were all children at the time, and I hadn't yet figured out how irrational ponies could be. Luna's pretty good about it, but Celestia could not take a joke if I tied one to her hooves. So Luna says, 'I will make all of night last forever! You may call me... Nightmare Moon!' and I magic up some glowing rocks and run up to Celestia... remember, we were only fillies at the time, I run up to Celestia and toss her the glowing rocks, and I say, 'Celestia! You must use the power of the Elements of Harmony to cleanse your sister of the wicked darkness that has corrupted her!' So Celestia charges up her magic and tries to channel it straight through the rock! Now crystals can channel magical energy, but your average sandstone or granite will just blow up in your face. Which is exactly what happens to Celestia. Luna falls backwards like she's been struck down, and I say to Celestia, as solemnly as I can, 'Congratulations, Celestia. You have purified your sister. But now you can never use the Elements of Harmony again.' Meanwhile, poor Luna behind me is trying not to crack up!"
Conrad laughed with the two other creatures.
"I gotta say, Discord, it feels really good to finally have somebody to talk to about all of this."
Discord nodded. "I know what you mean. If I hadn't met miss Pinkamena Diane Pie, I probably would have-"
The pony lightly punched Discord on the shoulder. "You know I hate that name," she said. "It's just a stupid joke I made that one time, and now no pony will believe that my real name is just 'Pinkie Pie'".
"Wait, you're Pinkie Pie?" Conrad asked.
Pinkie nodded.
Conrad frowned slightly. "That's weird," he said, "I totally thought you were some other pony."
All three creatures stared at each other in confusion.
"Oh, well," Conrad said. "I guess it really isn't important. So tell me more about the panicky ponies!"
Discord mused. "Hmmm. Which one, which one..."
"Oh, I know!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Tell him the one about your petrification!"
Discord cackled madly. "Oh yeah, I love that one. First I've gotta give you some backstory. As a draconequus I have a small arsenal of mostly-useless magic at my disposal. One day I get a craving for something sweet, so I summon some cotton candy and chocolate milk. Only this pony wasn't looking where he was going and bumps into me, making me to drop my food. It lands on his face, and he starts yelling something about the sky falling and such. He gets a good look at me, and I know where this is going, so I lean in and go, 'boo!' He freaks out, and by the time he gets to the guards he's convinced himself that I'm casting chaos magic that rearranges the very face of the earth.
"So now, according to the ponies, up is down, birds dig through the ground, the sun and the moon switch places every second, and my minor spill of cotton candy and chocolate milk have become a sky full of cotton candy and storms of chocolate rain.
"Celestia comes after me, and I have to think fast. I hire a craftspony to carve a statue of me, then place it in the center of the castle courtyard. I start a very loud rumor that Celestia defeated me with the Elements of Harmony and turned me to stone. And she buys it! Hook, line, and sinker! She didn't remember fighting me or turning me into stone, but if every pony is telling her how wonderful she is for having done it, then obviously she must have done it!"
Discord giggled madly, and Conrad and Pinkie laughed along.
"Wait, wait, wait," Conrad said. "How on earth did you buy a statue and start a rumor looking, well, like that?" Conrad gestured to Discord's entire body.
Discord chuckled. "Well, you see, I didn't look exactly like that. I looked..."
Discord put a flimsy, paper-mache pony mask over his head.
"...like this!"
Conrad howled with laughter.
"Oh my God," he said. "Ponies are idiots!"
Then he realized who was in the room with him and froze.
"Er, present company excluded, of course," he said to Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie sighed. "No, you're right," she said. "Most ponies are idiots."
Pinkie's resignation set Conrad off again and he and Discord laughed for a long time.
"Oh, wow," Conrad said when he'd finally calmed down. "I needed that."
There was a knock at the bedroom door.
"Pinkie? Are you okay in there? I'm coming in."
Conrad said, "Oh, sh-"
Mrs. Cake entered Pinkie Pie's room and saw three perfectly normal ponies.
"Oh goodness, who are your friends?" Mrs. Cake asked.
Pinkie replied, "Oh, um... this is..."
"Brave Heart."
"Brave Heart, and this is my other friend..."
"Cord-Dis."
Mrs. Cake looked skeptically at the two. There was something off about this situation, something she just couldn't place...
"Cord-Dis?" she asked.
"It's French," the pony replied.
She looked Pinkie's friends over and the feeling of wrongness intensified.
"Well," she said uncertainly, "I'll just let you two have your fun in here. Dinner's ready, Pinkie. Let me know if your friends want some."
"Okay, Mrs. Cake," Pinkie said.
Mrs. Cake walked to the door and was about to leave, when suddenly everything clicked for her. That was it! That was what was bugging her! That was what was wrong with this situation!
Mrs. Cake jumped back into the room and pointed with her hoof. Every pony flinched away from her.
"I know what's wrong here!" she yelled. "That painting frame is crooked!"
She reached over and straightened it.
"There we go. Much better."
And with that she left, satisfied that everything was perfectly okay.