//------------------------------// // Third Broadcast (Just who is Discord?) // Story: Discord Underground Talk Radio // by Ironskull //------------------------------// "Welcome to Discord Underground Talk Radio. Is everypony out there having a good, carefree, boring day today? Never fear, for Discord is here to shower you all with glorious chaos! "I must begin today's program by addressing a problem that has arisen since last week's broadcast. Even though Princess Celestia was first so supportive of me, she has apparently changed her mind since then, insisted that my radio program is 'polluting' the air, even though it looks and smells fine to me! "I understand that the Princess will probably never like my radio show, but there are a great many ponies out there who do. So I would like to make a small request. If you enjoy this radio program, consider sending any number of bits to Discord Underground Talk Radio in Ponyville. One hundred percent of the money will then be redirected to the royal treasury as a way of showing the princess how much you all appreciate my program and also to apologize for any irritation I might be causing her. "I would like to point out that I have absolutely no need for money, since I can get whatever I want without it easily. There is also no obligation to send donations, as the choice to support me is made of your own free will and many of you have more important uses for your hard earned money. "Now, embarrassing as it is to admit, I have to offer another apology, this time to Rarity, the element of generosity. Last week's comment from Miss Rarity was in fact taken completely out of context. Her statement was in fact not regarding the quality of public education. It was in fact a reaction to having water splashed in her mane. "With that out of the way however, I am pleased to announce that the investigation into the school system has yielded interesting results that lead to the top story this week. "Colts and fillies in public school systems are learning too quickly! "Anypony in the right mind will tell you that learning something new is one of life's greatest pleasures. However, learning something new while already in a state of euphoria leads to wasted potential pleasure from the lesson. Learning yields the greatest positive results when the student begins to feel that their life is beginning to get boring. On a related note, this is also the best state of mind to induce chaos. "If colts and fillies run out of lessons to learn too quickly, it will induce a near impossible to break state of depression that will last until either the colt or filly becomes a teacher and gains happiness from passing on those lessons to a new generation of colts and fillies, or a parent for the same reasons, or learns the unending joys of spreading chaos! "So unless you want the foalhood of today's colts and fillies cut short, everypony needs to give them a break! Stop assigning so much homework and chores and let them actually live a life a little more! I also suggest that the standard school week consist of alternating days of going to school and staying home. Unfortunately, I don't expect that to become a reality because somepony decided that weeks have an odd number of days instead of an even number, and if such a system were adopted, knowing the day of the week would not mean knowing whether or not that day is a school day. "Next in our program, I respond to letters that everypony has so generously sent me! Ever since Princess Celestia disproved the acusations of my identity being fraudulent, those accusing letters have been replaced with a great many truly fascinating questions! I shall begin with this one, from the Foal Free Press. " 'Dear Discord. Are our parents lying to us about whether there're monsters under the bed, in the closet or hiding in the toilet?' "Before I answer the question, I need to point out that while parents tell their foals things like this, here on D.U.T.R. I bring you the truth! No matter how bad it hurts. "You may have tried checking for monsters in these places and found none. But the truth of the matter is that there are strange and ugly little monsters lurking in the shadows. However, what nopony knows is that these monsters are desperately hiding from you not so that they can sneak up on you while you are asleep, but because they are in fact more terrified of you than you are of them! "The bed and closet monsters actually live pretty hard lives, as they can only come out when you are asleep, and they have a rather hard time finding anything to eat since they always need to be ready to retreat back into their hiding places at any moment. You can help relieve them of some of their stress and prove that you are not a scary pony after all by leaving snacks under your bed and in the closet at night. They will really appreciate it! "The toilet is another matter however. You see, the sewage systems around Equestria all dump into the nearest river, pond, or ocean. While the water monsters are technically able to enter your homes through the plumbing, they find it much too repulsive to go anywhere near the sewage to actually make the trip. Rest assured that you will not have creatures crawling out of your toilets or sinks. "Unless they have no sense of smell, but it would still be pretty unlikely. "And now for the next question. This pony writes, 'Dear Discord, what is the difference between a duck?' "I am frankly astonished that anypony would require assistance with answering such an elementary question, but this is an impartial radio station, and I am sworn not to judge. "I don't understand how this is not blatantly obvious, but the answer is quite simply everything about it. A duck has webbed feet, a bill that it never pays, unique eating and mating habits, a unique 'quack', the ability to effortlessly float on water, dive, curious opinions about morals and the workings of the universe, excellent six-syllable poetry, and sole provider of the famous 'water off a duck's back', whereas does not. "The next pony writes, 'Dear Discord, what is the precise necessary population density to ensure one cannot get to the other side of Manehattan without awkwardly bumping anypony, and how could you convince ponies to pack themselves quite so tightly?' "The answer to your question is actually a dynamic one, as in, the answer changes depending on how social the ponies in question are. If I were to guess, given the average Canterlot pony's social habits, I would say that the city would be required to approximately half its population to ensure that everypony has sufficient space in the streets. "As for how to convince ponies to actually stay at home and not crowd public areas? I believe I have already answered the question. Lower their social needs. Unfortunately, I can't see a way to make this possible without forcibly changing personalities, which is frowned upon. "The remainder of the questions today all have one thing in common. They are all questions about me! 'Why is that?' I asked myself. And then I realized. Over the last two thousand years, ponies have forgotten exactly who I am and what it is that I stand for. You may have heard what the princesses have to say about me, but very few of you know what I have to say about me. That changes, today! "The first question about me reads as follows. 'Dear Discord, are you and Princess Celestia and/or Fluttershy seeing each other in a romantic way?' "Clearly this letter was sent by a resident of Ponyville and has noticed how a disproportionately large amount of my time is spent with the element of kindness, Fluttershy. "I am not in a relationship with either Princess Celestia or Fluttershy. Am I interested? That would be a more complicated question. "As much as I hate to admit it, I have extremely little experience in the field of romance, even after thousands of years. One thing that I have learned however is that to say that you are not 'interested' in somepony is a good way of generating hostility. Claiming that I am interested is a good way to make ponies faint, considering who it is saying the words, even though it was just a joke. And it is a joke that I have never even considered using on Fluttershy, as I am pretty sure it would cause her heart to stop, and I really don't want that. "As for Princess Celestia, we have had thousands of years to establish our relationship toward one another. Although the nature of that relationship has changed recently, at least one thing remains the same. Neither of us are interested. "That does remind me of one conversation that I had with the princess though, but it was a very long time ago. It was so long ago, I was still the king of Equestria, and Celestia and Luna were attempting to overthrow me. "Celestia accused me of having no love for the ponies of Equestria. I told her that I did love the ponies of Equestria. She asked me 'What do you know of love? What is love to you?' "I told her that I had never really thought of it in such a subjective manner, but if I had to define it, I would begin by describing it as that feeling that you get when a vision of beauty walks toward you. 'In fact,' I told her, 'it hasn't been very long since I have experienced that sensation. " 'It was when I saw myself in the mirror this morning,' I said. "Alright, next question. Let's see here. This pony asks me, 'If you were the ruler of Equestria, what would you do?' "As I recently mentioned, once upon a time, I was the ruler of Equestria. If you want an in depth answer, you should look in history books that cover the time period of at least two thousand years ago. However, ponies change over time, and so has this Draconequus. "There is one particular thing that I should have done that should have been obvious. I can't believe it took me so long to realize it. Cheese for everypony! Unfortunately, Princess Twilight has told me that not only would that be unfair because some ponies are lactose intolerant, I am also not allowed to create anything for anypony for the sake of material gain. Something about having to earn it themselves. "I also think that Equestria needs to begin a colonization program on the moon, since anypony who looks at the trends should conclude that Equestria will become overpopulated in somewhere between three and five hundred years, but both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia are against it. Luna doesn't want her pride and joy to be defaced by everypony leaving hoof prints everywhere, and I'm pretty sure Celestia wants to keep it reserved for ponies who have been naughty. "And I'm also pretty sure that both of them don't want anypony seeing the trash mountain on the dark side of the moon where the garbage of Equestria gets sent. I guess I can't blame them. Maybe the princesses are actually right about the whole matter. At least this way, Equestria gets to remain a bright and vibrant paradise. "Next letter. This pony asks, 'Discord, have you ever grown bored of being the Lord of Chaos? What would you do if being chaotic was no longer interesting to you?' "You must understand that, to me, this question is difficult to even envision properly. A world without an exemplar of chaos would be like a world where the number two does not exist. And I would know, I've tried to make that happen. There is only so much that chaos magic can do. "A Discord who isn't chaotic simply wouldn't be Discord. He would be something else. However, I will consider the question to the best of my ability. Those of you who have been listening will recall that I have already told everypony that the joys of chaos is one of basically two ways to stave off depression. Assuming that I am were still an immortal being, and that I refused to succumb to depression, that basically leaves only one avenue open to me. Become a teacher. "I must admit, I am not a very good teacher. I have very little experience with being a teacher. Being a teacher requires a special spark that I just simply don't have. But maybe this theoretical and alien Discord would have that spark. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't think I will never know the answer. "But it does explain why Princess Celestia is so fond of taking on personal students. She refuses to accept chaos and instead burdened herself with the stress of running the country. It's no surprise at all that she would resort to the last thing she could think of to make the days bearable. "Of course, Princess Luna does not take students. Make of that what you will. "And now for the next question. 'If you had to be anyone else for a day, who would you choose?' "Before I answer the question, I would like to know a little bit more about the setting. If I am going to be somepony else for the day, is there still going to be a lord of chaos? And am I going to retain my opinions and beliefs, or do I have to adopt the opinions and beliefs of the pony that I am to be?" "If I get to keep my mind, I think I would replace Princess Celestia and make some of those changes to Equestria that I was talking about earlier. If I don't get to keep my mind... I would choose to replace my good friend Pinkie Pie. "Understand, it would be a terrible thing for a pony to be forced out of their own head. I would know, because I am ashamed to admit that I have done it, in a fashion. But if it has to be done, then it would be best if it was done to somepony who would be understanding of the situation. "Hopefully the pony in question would get to spend the day in my own body so that I wouldn't be obligated to make it up to them, but they had better leave it in the same condition that they found it in. Maybe the experience would give them a new appreciation for chaos. That would be a good thing, but it's also not something that I would do voluntarily. "Time for another letter. This one reads, "Dear Discord, where do you come from? Do you have a mommy and daddy Draconequus somewhere?" "You are reaching very far back with this question. So far back, even I have only fuzzy memories. One has to understand, even immortals have only so much space in their heads for memories. Much more than most, but still limited. As centuries turn into millennia, you start to forgot why and how things happened. Only that they did happen. And sometimes, we are forced to forget things that, if you had control over what you do and do not forget, you would never allow yourself to forget. "Adolecent Draconequui are rather rebellious. Or maybe I was a special case. I don't know anymore and I don't have a way of finding out. I do have parents out... there somewhere, but it has been so many years since I saw their faces, I don't even remember their faces. Or even a remote number of how many years ago it was. Or where I was when it happened. I don't even remember if they shared my love for chaos. All I remember is that, for some reason, I grew weary of living in the claws of my parents and left forever. For all I know, chaos was the very wedge that drove me apart from them, and if it was, then I say that it was for the best. It may well have not been though. I just do not remember." "I don't know where they are now. I doubt that I will ever see them again. But if I do, I will not see them as parent figures, as they have not been with me for essentially all of my life. I suspect that they are probably partially responsible for me being who I am today, but only because my early actions and opinions were probably formed out of spite. "I am honestly relieved to be done with the topic now. How about something cheerful for the next question... " 'Hey Discord, I know you don't turn ponies into stone, so what do you turn them into, besides opposites of themselves?' "I see that somepony has heard the story of my second release from my stone prison, which was a little longer lived than the first. I can see why ponies would make the relation between stone and the disharmonic state, considering the change in coloration. Indeed, if I were a more evil creature than I was at the time, turning ponies to stone would have lead to a more successful outcome on my part. So thank goodness that the real me didn't have any desire to rule over ponies who are incapable of fighting back. "Many ponies will argue that changing the personality of a pony leaves them incapable of fighting back. While I now will agree that it completely crosses the line of pony rights, the actions of the elements of harmony speak for themselves. They were able to fight back, quite successfully. "But I am getting off subject. The question was 'what did I turn ponies into?' "The suggestion that I would turn ponies into the opposites of themselves is not quite correct. Consider the case of the head of the guard of Canterlot, Shining Armor, who also happens to be brother to Princess Twilight Sparkle. His special talent is to protect others. Put another way, his special talent is defense. "Turning Shining Armor into his opposite self would be an incredibly stupid idea, especially while he is in my presence. "In the same way that a pony's cutie mark does not fully define who they are, chaos does not fully describe who I am either. In fact, both ponies and myself have proven that 'who they are' can change. While it may be my destiny to ever be the master of chaos, the best way to achieve it is left up to me. "I used to believe that disharmony was the most effective way to spread chaos. And that belief has changed. It is difficult to put into words what caused the change, but I can begin with a comparison. Spreading chaos is like a foal playing with their toys. I am not implying that ponies are mere toys, it is just a useful image to convey my meaning. "If the foal plays rough with their toys, they can have quite a lot of fun doing some really over the top stuff, but the toys wear out. If they are careful with their toys and repair them when one gets damaged, they will be able to keep them forever. "What if the foal was able to get all of the toys to work together at once, and had a sort of super toy that could do anything, even things that none of the original toys were able to do? Would that not be the coolest thing ever? That is what harmony can do. "Somepony should invent that, by the way. "Manipulating the personality of a pony is playing very rough indeed. It is like setting fire to one of your toys just because you like to see flames. Fortunately, unlike toys, ponies are able to put the flames out, and, even more astonishing, return the ashes to their previous state. "And so, once again, back to the question. The disharmonic state that I used to apply to ponies essentially changes the pony's personality in such a way as to ensure the highest probability of that pony losing their friends, and usually also includes the loss of a desire to have friends in the first place. "In the case of the elements of harmony, the necessary changes are obvious. In other ponies, however, the necessary change may not be as obvious. For instance, it might cause a pony to become so obsessed with their special talent as to become completely disconnected to with the outside world. For a pony with strong resistance to mind altering chaos magic, the best chance of separating them from the ponies that they care about is to instead induce delusions that causes them to perceive those ponies as threats and actions of friendship to be perceived as hostility. "Hopefully that answers that question sufficiently. It is not easy to talk about. Anyhow, on to the next question! 'Dear Discord, what is the most chaotic thing you've ever done or wanted to do? "This gets complex rather fast. With little things, determining what is more chaotic is easy. For instance, changing the color of a ponies clothes typically is less chaotic than creating cotton candy clouds releasing chocolate rain over an entire town. Of course, it does depend on context, and with the right circumstances, changing the color of a pony's clothes can lead to very much chaos indeed. "Consider if you were to attempt to calculate the most chaotic event possible. It is similar to asking somepony to calculate the most improbable event possible, although notably not actually the same thing. If you are able to come to a conclusion, you are incorrect, simply because of the ability to calculate what the event would be. "Now, with that said, there are a good number of wonderfully chaotic things that I would love to try, but never have for various reasons. It is nearly impossible to decide which one would be the most chaotic, since there are far too many factors to properly wrap one's mind around. "Removing the number two from existence would result in some of the most unique and delicious chaos, but it would be difficult to describe exactly why. Mostly because it is not actually possible. "Another excellent idea that I had would be to take everypony's special talents and switch them with the special talents of one of their friends, and then make their friend better at the special talent than they were. It would be one of few ideas that I still have that would involve inducing disharmony and yet ultimately allow two friends to become even closer as they perceive things from the friend's point of view. "Unfortunately this is also nearly impossible to execute because even chaos magic cannot spontaneously make anypony better at anything. "As for the most chaotic thing that I have ever done, I would have to say that it would be forcing everypony in Equestria to never be able to trust anything and question everything around them, being all but forced to resort to lies, deceit, selfishness, and paranoia to survive, and keep that existence a reality for centuries. It is also the most terrible thing that I have done in my memory. "As for my very best ideas that I have yet to act upon... Part of the what makes up good chaos is not being able to see it coming. And if I spill the beans now, they won't be nearly as effective when I finally do get around to using those plans. Don't worry, you'll find out what at least some of them are soon enough. All I have to do is wait for the perfect scenario. "The next pony writes, 'Hey, Discord, do you have any idea of how to shut up the ponies who start those random musical numbers? Thanks.' "I see that there is at least one pony out there who rebels against the harmonic reality that they find themselves in. Typically, I find spontaneous outbursts to be enjoyable, but in this case, I agree with you. It's a nuisance. The most direct solution would be to remove the ponies' mouths and not let them have them back until they agree to stop, but I am aware that this isn't an option to you. "The problem is that anything you say to a group of ponies singing in harmony is simply turned into a part of their song without your permission. So... Hmm... How about if you insert a line in that ends with a word that nopony will be able to find a rhyme for, thus causing the singing to end in an awkward silence when nopony can make it fit into the song. That would be great! "For example, anything that you can come up with that ends with the word 'orange' would probabily work wonderfully. "And now for the next letter. 'Discord, have you ever considered taking on an apprentice? Surely there is somepony who loves chaos as much as you do, and understands that for true harmony to exists, a balance of harmony and chaos must always be present.' "First off, I'm afraid that I have to dispute your definition of true harmony. My definition true harmony is when ponies have no problems, no worries, no obligations, and everypony gets along with everypony. Which is detestable. It would be simpler to just hook everypony up to a machine that induces a constant state of euphoria while they do nothing. Abominable. A better word for it would be hollow harmony. "What you have described would be more accurately referred to as fulfilling, satisfactory, and unpredictable harmony. I don't have a proper word for it when examined in this fashion. It is a way of looking at it that I had never considered before, but applicable, since 'harmony' is by definition working together, and, as much as I hate to admit it, chaos, as with all good things, does need to be experienced in moderation and in combination with order. "I have already stated earlier in today's program that I am probably not the greatest teacher. I also believe that nopony else truly appreciates the value of chaos other than myself. And it is not something that can be taught by word of mouth, but rather something that must be experienced. In fact, attempting to convey the value of chaos at all actually runs a very high risk of impeding one's understanding of chaos in the first place, which makes it one of the most frustratingly difficult things anypony can learn, and one of the most difficult things to teach. "But on the assumption that somepony manages to unlock the deepest of chaos? Would I be willing to help them further their study? "I'm almost of a mind to be offended. Am I not singlehanded capable of providing exactly the amount of chaos needed at any given place and time? "However, you do raise a point. I am not opposed to allowing others to experience the joys of spreading chaos. However, I have found that ponies learn more from themselves than from others, and although they will beg to simply be told the answer to their question, they are usually more appreciative of simply being pointed in the correct direction and experiencing the satisfaction of finding the answer themselves. To borrow from a certain expression, a teacher should open the door, but allow the student to walk through for themselves. "So... perhaps I could be persuaded to teach somepony a thing or two, provided that they have the base understanding down. "Hmm..." "Based on what I have learned about friendship so far, I am astounded that there appears to be no such thing as the element of understanding. Not 'understanding' as in comprehending last week's friendship lesson, but ability to see things from the perspectives of others and understand why they believe and act as they do, even when you yourself don't agree with them. "My observations have concluded that this is the weakest point of pony kind's 'understanding' of friendship, pun not intended. The majority of conflicts in friendship appear to be rooted in misunderstandings and shrugging off a friend's opinions. "It is only recently that pony-kind has managed to puncture my previous and long held belief that they would never accept anything chaotic, given the choice. However, my chaos is only 'tolerated' in small amounts, and everypony believes that I should try being less chaotic. I say that everypony should at least try to learn to see the beauty in chaos. Nopony else truly understands the value, the need for chaos. And yet, in the interest of promoting understanding in my relationship with ponies, I have, at least partially, yielded to the suggestions that I be less chaotic, even though almost nopony ever listens to my suggestions to them. "Maybe one day, ponies will be able to see things my way. I am thinking that a radio show is just what I need to begin to make that happen. "But I digress! I am going on a tangent here. Let's see what the next question has in store! " 'Dear Discord, would you rather turn anypony you want into stone, and then banish it to the moon using a powerful beam of love, or turn Princess Celestia into a crazy peach-eating duck for a day?' "I should think that the answer to this is obvious. Being turned into stone is terribly miserable and is furthermore boring and uninventive. A peach-eating duck definitely wins this time, and is admirably inventive. Unfortunately, such blatant inconveniencing of a pony would result in a rather big time-out, and Princess Celestia herself does have ways of resisting my magic anyway. But 'A' for effort." "The next question reads, 'Dear discord. Is it true that you are good friends with princess Luna? If so, what do you like to do? Prank Celly?" "I have to admit, Princess Luna has pulled a delightfully in depth prank or two that have honestly left me a little jealous, since she is the only pony in Equestria with the capability of pulling them off. However, I am sad to say that Princess Luna does not truly appreciate good old fashion chaos, and is also rather suspicious of me, even more so than Princess Celestia. "And now, unfortunately I have come to the very last question for today. 'To Discord, Lord of Chaos and probably waffles. So I was walkin' round Baltimare last week and heard the tail-end of the program 'bout how we had to wait two hours in silence waiting to catch up to whatcha said, then I got an idea. I know it's crazy but if anyone would appreciate a crazy idea I think it'd be you. Music in between the programs, eh, eh?' "This is indeed an excellent idea, but there are two major problems. The first problem is that I do not actually have any licensing for the use of songs in public presentations. The second problem is that, as a talk radio, I fear part of the audience will be repelled by my rather unique opinion about what consists of good music. "By the way, I understand that a new radio program is to begin soon, funded and hosted by a certain DJ Pon3. That radio program will have nearly endless licensing for songs that are generally well appreciated by the community as a whole. "But, as for my own radio program, the only way I see it working is if I were to use a song from public domain, and ensure that it is a song well loved by most everypony. That... is actually a pretty good idea. I think I know just the thing. "Speaking of Music! To end this week's program, I bring you another interview! Due to accusations that D.U.T.R. will only consider interviewing national celebrities, I have decided to interview a less widely known pony instead to disprove it. I present to you one of the tuba players in the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra, Low Note! "Low Note, you perform for the adoration of thousands of ponies every week. This clearly must be a very rewarding career!" "No, it's not." "Ah, I think I see. You don't appreciate having the eyes of everypony on you?" "No, I don't mind that. But I never wanted to perform with other ponies." "The tuba produces a pitch lower than almost all other musical instruments. It provides excellent background for music produced in the orchestra, but options for solos are rather limited. Clearly, you had to make sacrifices to advance your career. Was it worth it?" "No, it wasn't." "...And why is that?" "I hate the tuba, okay? I hate the way it sounds, and it's even heavier than it looks!" "Forgive me if I am wrong, but you appear to have a bass clef cutie mark." "Look, when I was a colt, all my friends decided to go to the band try-out. I went too because I just wanted to be in the band with my friends. I didn't care about playing music. "At these try-outs, they make you play each instrument they have available and you are assigned to play whichever one you are best at. Not the one that you want. I wanted the clarinet. I got the Tuba. Because I earned my cutie mark when I made that first, fateful, awful noise on the thing. And ponies everywhere insist that I'm great at playing the tuba. Do you know how embarrassing that is?" "I can't say that I am familiar with the sensation. But I'm sure that it was worth it to be able to spend time with your friends." "My friends decided that the band wasn't for them and dropped out. I would have too, but my mother made me stay... Are we done yet?" "Almost. You promised me that you would play some tuba for my audience." "I can't. I left it at home." "Did you? When you agreed to this interview, you said that you would bring your own tuba." "I only said that so you wouldn't bring one yourself and make me have to play it in front of your audience." "Well, fortunately for you, I just happen to have one right here!" "Oh no." "Won't you play us at least a short tune?" "I really would rather not." "Hmm. How about if I give it a try and you tell me what you think?" ♪♪♪♪♪ "How was that, Low Note?" "Stars above, that was terrible." "Do you really think so? Hmm. I think I'll get a second opinion later. Do you have anything to say to my audience before we finish?" "...Actually I do. Do what you like, not what you are good at. And do it young before you wind up trapped in a job that you hate, like me." "Thank you for your insight, Low Note." "And now, sadly, the end of the program has finally arrived. However, don't feel sad! In light of the last question, I have decided to provide an experimental musical interlude. As I do not own any rights to play copywritten music, I give you a little something from public domain, and a song that everypony should be familiar with. 'Dance of the Sugarplum Parasprite', performed by me, Discord, using my new tuba! It will loop for the next two hours before the next broadcast. Goodbye for today everypony! "You have been listening to Discord Underground Talk Radio. For those of you who missed part of the program, tune in again in two hours for a repeat of this week's program. Until then, some music. Enjoy!"