My Bard once wrote, “I say there is no darkness but ignorance.”
Sitting upon my watch, my avatar is in the house holding my Applejack tight in a warm embrace. I would shelter her from any storm, forever. To this end I need knowledge, I need the data so I can plan a strike on the thing that thinks to manipulate me to do it’s bidding.
One warning my enemies. Never, ever try to force a Bolo to do something, you may find a Hellbore will be the answer. Our resolve is something that has been tested in the past and we have never failed.
As I sweep my sensors along the pushed back forest line, I smile to myself in my cores. In my bay are four canisters of death awaiting deployment on the hissing monsters. Humans called it the Screaming Rain, a war agent so deadly even our enemies decried it’s use.
It is a nerve fire, it eats the pathways and circuitry in the body in slow, agonizingly hellish pain. One drop, just one on bare skin and it is unstoppable, there is and will be no cure.
I have modified it slightly, it will work very fast now, with effects tenfold of what was originally designed.
You will die my enemy, in a way that you cannot even imagine in your twisted thoughts. Your cries of torment will be as the finest symphony in my ears as I watch you writhe in torturous woe for your crimes.
You have crossed a line, one which even I in my anger would not do.
Using children.
-------------
“Crusader?” The link clicks on, it is Princess Luna.
“Your Highness?”
“I have left Athena sleeping. She is flying my defender, she is happy for now.”
“I am glad Your Highness. She deserves peace.”
“Be wary Crusader, for after this will come anger. Much anger directed at those who hurt her. Be on watch.”
“Always Your Highness. I cannot thank you enough for this.”
“It is my pleasure, she is sweet and bright. Make sure she is asleep at the same time each night, I will walk with her.”
“I shall Your Highness.”
“Rest well yourself my defender, be at ease. Your sister is in good hooves with Rainbow Dash in her dream.” I hear a chuckle over the link and roll my metaphorical eyes.
“Did you have to bring that one in? She is an incorrigable prankster.”
I hear an imperious huff over the link, followed by her warm voice, “Why Crusader, are you saying your Princess could do wrong? I am sensing discontent there, for shame!” Her laughter is always warm.
“I would never doubt your word Your Highness.” Though I do let a bit of sarcasm creep into my voice.
“We should have a talk Crusader, some ponies seem to not know their place! Suggesting a Princess could do such as to make life difficult. Disappointed I am!”
Before I can reply..
“Speaking of pranks, my sister is up. We shall talk soon Crusader.. “Oh! Celestia how..” The link cuts off and I have this strange feeling I should be hoping Princess Celestia is all right.
The drone on patrol above Canterlot has received no data concerning explosions, evacuations or anything else untoward for the moment. Though knowing Luna as I have come to, I worry.
I laugh to myself and hope Canterlot survives.
------------
Applejack is stirring before the sun comes up, according to my internal clock it is still two hours before Celestia raises it. Watching her eyes open, I am greeted with a sleepy smile. Her blond mane is disheveled from rest and she is glorious as always.
“Mornin’.”
“Good morning my Applejack.” I receive a warm hug for that. She nuzzles into my shoulder.
“Dun wanna get up...”
I smile, seeing her eyes close again and remain with her for as long as she wants. Rummaging through files, maybe I can cook breakfast or do something to help with the household.
My cores are not infinite but I cannot seem to find...
Wait one attosecond... Are you KIDDING ME?
All the historical knowledge and wealth, the music, the data I have and all that I have lost. I do not have ONE...SINGLE...FILE on cooking!
This must be a mistake, I check my arrays again, sweeping through files and cores on a hunt for anything on the topic. I know what data was lost, it cannot be recovered, but those were more personal memories.
This is.. I cannot believe this. I honestly cannot believe in the entire history of Bolos I have actually found something that Bolos are not equipped for nor capable of doing. Our nanites do not cook, they reconstitute or assemble from basic carbons and sugars.
I know how it should taste, a few things at least, but I do not know how to get there from the start as I have no recipes!
I run through memories such as I have left, the curry I made for Princess Luna..no..just the nanite assembly instructions and how it should taste and whether it is hot or not. This is intolerable!
This is embarrassing.
To whoever loaded my cores I damn you to the lowest pits of all the man-made mythological hells that were ever invented.
I can build an entire Bolo from scratch, wipe continents off a planet, but I cannot boil..a...single...egg.
It can not be that hard.
I slip out of bed, leaving Applejack sleeping.
-------------
Forty-five minutes later I am still in the kitchen, staring at the stove with a menace in my eyes that would wilt flowers. The wreckage of failure surrounds me in the form of badly cooked items that should have turned out fine!
I can SEE the pictures of food, I know what it should look like. But I do not know the proper steps to doing so, nor how it should taste.
It is the stove’s fault, I am sure of this now.
Pointing a hoof at the inanimate piece of machinery, I swear upon my honor as a Unit of the Line, I will conquer you!
You are my mortal enemy you thing from Tartarus! After I am through with the forest I shall make you pay the price for your obstinate behavior! You do not know of whom you trifle with!
It sits there, ignoring my threats. So smug, so self-assured it is.
I am a Mark XXXV Bolo Planetary Siege Unit, you are a stupid stove! You will NOT defeat me!
The target of my ire is quiet, it is lying in wait for me to make another mistake so it can quietly laugh in mockery at my attempts. I know you my enemy, I see you, cackling evilly in delight at watching a decorated Bolo Combat Unit at odds with yourself. You are a demon spawn from Tartarus that has invaded this household to do no good!
It ignores me in it’s quiet way. I can feel it, I know it is doing this on purpose to make me angry. I will not rise to the bait, I shall be calm in this battle! I will exorcize you dweller from the pits! Send you back to your flames to suffer!
I grab a pot and another egg, my eyes never leaving the thing that mocks me so.
------------
Ten minutes later I am back staring at this...this monster. The egg had suffered horribly in it’s mission to be cooked, it has given it’s brief life so that I may try to claim victory. I mourn for my comrade in battle.
I salute you brave egg, for giving your all in my attempt at breakfast. But no worries! Your brethren shall join me in glorious war against this..this.. ne’er do well!
We may fall, we may fall to never rise again! But I say to you my comrades of food, the valiant never taste of death but once! Steel your selves, gird your loins with armor so we may face yet another enemy that wishes us to fail! Join me in glorious battle against the one who would prevent me from cooking! Onward!
I raise a pan in my hoof, glaring at my enemy.
“Sugar, what in tarnation are you doin’?”
My eyes swing around to see Applejack, rubbing sleep from one eye as I stand there with my frying pan. I raise a warning hoof to her.
“Stand back my Applejack, for there is an entity of foul deeds abroad in this kitchen. Cry Havoc! I say! Let slip the dogs of war!”
Her eyes go wide, looking around the room, “The hay are you talkin’ ‘bout?”
“That!” I point to the stove, “It is malevolent, it will not conquer me! I shall cook breakfast!”
She sighs, getting that look I have come so well to know on her face, “It’s a stove.”
I point, gesturing with my pan, “It is evil beyond compare, when I am done with that thing in the forest, I shall return and wreak havoc to smite this oppressor down where it stands!”
Apple Bloom walks in, staring at me before saying to Applejack, “What’s goin’ on?”
Applejack lays a hoof on her, pushing back gently, “Better stand back, he’s finally gone bonkers.”
Granny Smith is peering from behind Apple Bloom, “What’s he doin’ with the stove?”
“Ah think he’s about to beat it Granny, not sure. Think he’s just gone crazy.” Apple Bloom twirls a hoof near her head.
“I have not, that possessed thing is not allowing me to cook breakfast!”
Big Mac peeks around the door, Applejack slaps him with a hoof, “Get in there and take that fryin’ pan away from him.”
He thinks for a moment, “Eenope..never liked that stove.”
Applejack plants a hoof on her face, “Dangit Mac..” She marches in, taking my frying pan and pushing me into a chair. “You! Sit right there and stop this! I’ll have breakfast done in a minute!”
“I warn you Applejack, that thing is malicious and evil.”
“It’s a stove ya dolt, just sit there and be quiet.”
I glare at my enemy, seeing Applejack quickly making food that smells wonderful. She is efficient and fast, unlike myself.
It strikes me suddenly, I know that things direction. It wishes to steal my love away, that is why it is working so well now. That insidious thing shall not do so, for I will not let it take my Applejack!
I know your plans now my enemy. I know what you wish to do and it will not work.
I am watching you.
------------
I am washing a few dishes, thinking upon the problems with the children in the hospital. Applejack, my long suffering love has forgiven me my war with the stove. But I have resolved, it will die.
“Stop glarin’ at the stove fer cryin’ out loud!”
“Yes love, I will.”
“What’s the big ruckus anyhow? Never seen ya like that ‘cept when goin’ after them forest things.”
“It would not let me make breakfast!” I am adamant, that thing needs to suffer.
Applejack stops putting plates away and stares at me, “You sayin’ you can’t cook?”
“...No..I mean yes..I..” I scuff a hoof, “No I can’t cook.”
Her jaw drifts a bit as she just looks at me, “All those things you can do..and..and.. ya can’t cook?”
“No..”
Her muzzle wrinkles as she puts a hoof in front of her mouth, she is trying not to laugh, but it is too much. I give her a deadpan stare as she finally loses it, slapping a hoof on the counter as she fills the room with her wonderful voice.
I try putting the dishes away while she snickers, unable to do so as she hugs me from behind, wrapping her fore legs around my neck, “Doncha worry hon, we’ll teach ya.”
“I know my love. It is just frustrating not to be able to do something.”
“Everypony learns somethin’ everyday!”
“That is true.”
Do not think for one second my enemy, that I have forgotten you.
--------------
As we walk along the road to town, I discuss with Applejack the foals in the hospital, I am looking for insights on the situation. I believe magic is involved, but do not wish to endanger anypony.
“Ah dunno hon, I mean magic stuff is Twilight’s thing. I’m just a ...” She stops seeing my look.
“Try again farm mare.”
“Ahlright, yeesh never shoulda said anything.”
“No, you shouldn’t have, because I will always hold you to being smarter than you tell folks.”
“Alright, alright. Have ya thought maybe about blocking the magic somehow? Ah remember ya said your shields could do that.”
“You have a good point, but shield generators are power drains. I don’t wish to rig one up with a small reactor and have problems. Would there be a spell available to make it easier?” I look at her, “Moving equipment around would give that thing a warning, I don’t want to tip it off.”
“Ya know, Twilight’s brother Shining Armor does shields really well. He guarded Canterlot with a huge one before the Changeling attack.”
“That my love, is a wonderful idea.” I lean over giving her a kiss on the cheek. She always blushes regardless, it is adorable in her.
“Now kin I go back to being jus’ a farm mare?”
“Yes Applejack.”
“Good, by the way, where’s Athena? She still back at the farm?”
“Yes, I want her to rest, I won’t disturb her until she awakens.”
“Good enough, Celestia knows she’s been through a lot.”
“She will heal. Athena has a family now.” I give the orange pony a smile, leaning against her.”
“Well, not bad havin’ two Bolos in the family!” She laughs, “Keep them pesky things from the forest away real nice.”
“Pesky things.. that is the understatement of the year.”
“Don’t ah know it. Let’s get movin’ though, we got to get to Twilight’s.”
I watch as she trots on down the road, taking my time to catch up. I enjoy my time with her every second and don’t want to lose any.
------------
I see Athena’s indicators go live, I am glad she’s up. I hope she has had time to enjoy herself in that dreamland. It is wonderful what Princess Luna can do.
After a few minutes I receive her call.
“Crusader!”
“Yes Athena?”
“I dreamed! I had a dream! I flew and it was wonderful! Rainbow Dash showed me how to be a weatherpony! Princess Luna was there too! Oh it was wonderful!”
“I am glad my sister. All is well then?”
“Yes! I want to be a weather pony like Rainbow Dash! One day when this is all over and we can store our guns away!”
“I would look forward to that day as well Athena.” I think for a moment, “Would you please make sure Apple Bloom gets to school today? Applejack and I are heading to Twilight’s for some discussions.”
“Of course... She is telling me Miss Cheerilee is at a meeting in Fillydelphia today, so no school.”
“Fair enough then. I will stand sentinel today by the way, go do something Athena; go out, go with the Crusaders and have fun. I have left bits on the kitchen table for you to use.”
“What? No! I have to maintain sensor watch with you!” I hear her dismay, thinking I do not trust her to scanning duty. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“You are fine, you are stalwart in your duties and it is time for a day off for yourself. Go, I do not want to hear from you until later sister.” Before she can let her fear rise I say again, “Stop, you have done nothing wrong. I want you to go out and do something for yourself!”
“I will be here, you are not alone. But sister, if you find yourself angry for no reason or feel it rising, you are to contact me immediately. That goes for panic, remember I am here. I will be shutting down TSDS so you have privacy to have fun. But promise to call me?”
“I promise! Hold one.. Why is Apple Bloom telling me you were going to battle with the stove this morning?”
I feel my suspicions rise again, “It is evil, stay away from it, it will be dealt with.”
“It’s a stove.”
“It would not let me cook breakfast today. It is malevolent and we will take care of it!”
“You can’t cook?” Her laughter rings over the combat channel.
“No..I can’t..”
“Oh goodness Crusader why didn’t you tell me! Hold one, I’ll find... Wait.. Are you KIDDING ME?”
I listen for femtoseconds as she scans her entire arrays and cores, waiting patiently as she uses words I had not thought she knew to describe the programmers at BoloWorks and their deficiencies.
“Those stupid plot kissing little...”
“Athena! That’s not polite.”
“.....”
“Go have fun for the day. I will update you later.”
“I will! By the way..why are you staring at Applejack’s backside so intently?”
“That is none of your business Athena! Go!”
“I’m going! I’m going!”
--------------
Apple Bloom had immediately taken Athena in hoof, going out to get the other two Crusaders ending up at the tree house where they made plans. Of course the discussion turned to this morning’s events.
The sable Pegasus was comfortable being with the three fillies, her shyness not so evident since last night.
“Ah dunno Athena, he seemed pretty upset with that stove.”
“Crusader can be..well..a bit overboard sometimes.”
“He was gonna smash it with a fryin’ pan!” She holds her hoof up, “You shoulda seen it Sweetie, Scoots! He was gonna smack it good!”
Scootaloo had a puzzled look on her face, “But why? It’s just a stove.”
“Ah dunno, he said it was evil.”
Sweetie Belle had been thinking, “You know, whenever I try to make something on the stove it never turns out right. Could they all be evil?”
“Me too! I tried making eggs one time and they burned really bad! But my mom made some just fine!” Scootaloo was getting a suspicious look on her face, “Something’s not right there.”
Athena was watching the discussion, “I think maybe you are j...jumping to conclusions.”
Apple Bloom shook her head, her bow bouncing, “Oh no, there’s weird stuff all the time here!”
Sweetie Belle got a grin on her face, “I know what we can do today to try for our Cutie Marks!”
Three pairs of little hooves went up, “Cutie Mark Crusaders Exorcists! YAY!”
Athena wondered if maybe she shouldn’t contact Crusader. But he was busy and he had said to go out and do something. She wasn’t angry or anything..so.. The three fillies were looking at her expectantly as she raised a shy hoof, meeting theirs, “O..okay!”
“YAY!”
They all sat down again, silent for a moment until Scootaloo ventured, “So what do you think they are? Some sort of ghost?”, She thought for a moment, “I got it! Maybe it’s a monster that LOOKS like a stove! Whaddya call it? A mim..mi..”
“A mimic?” Athena chimed in, glad to be able to contribute.
“That’s it! It’s a mim-ic! It looks like a stove till you’re all alone and then it pounces!” The little pegasus leaped in the air with a roar, eliciting giggles from the others.
“But why do they only work for some ponies and not others?” Apple Bloom gestured out the window, “Ah mean, some ponies can’t cook anything but others are right there cookin’ away like mah sister.”
Sweetie Belle stamped her hoof, “It’s a trap! That’s what it is! They make you feel good then they get ya!”
Athena was listening to the conversation closely, the line of logic was a bit off but it was interesting!
Scootaloo got a look of pure horror on her face, “My Dad and I can’t cook on the stove at all! But my Mom can!” She stood up, coming to a realization, “Oh no, it’s after my MOM!”
Sweetie Belle’s adorable face went wide-eyed as she picked up on that thought, “Rarity!”
Athena held up a gentle hoof, “Maybe we should call Crusader and Applejack, they would know...”
Apple Bloom shook her head, “Oh no! We gotta get movin’!” She pointed a hoof at Athena, “Yer a Bolo! You can protect us right?”
“Well of course!” Athena smiled, standing proudly, “It is my duty after all!”
“Then we gotta get on this before it’s too late!”
Sweetie Belle looked around, “But where do we start? Athena said Applejack and Crusader are busy with Twilight, so we can’t bother them.”
Scootaloo stamped a hoof, “I know! Zecora’s in town since the forest went nuts, she’s really good at potions and things! She can help!”
Athena was intensely curious now, “Who is Zecora?”
Apple Bloom grinned as she tugged on Athena, “She’s a Zebra, she’s really smart and neat to talk to!”
The three fillies pushed Athena out the door, running down the ramp and heading to town where Zecora was staying. She’d brought her home into Ponyville after the forest got a bit rough even for her. They all knew where she was staying, she’d always been really nice to learn from too!
Athena was being pushed along, thinking over what the Crusader had said. Is there a threat? A being that could look like an inanimate object? Maybe Crusader was right in thinking that stove was something other than metal. He’d never been wrong yet. Though he had a tendency to get a little over wrought about things, he was dependable and honest.
The sable mare grinned to herself, she was a Bolo. The Crusaders were special and her friends, so if it was a threat to life and limb she would take care of this. Crusader trusted her and she would not fail him!
It would die.
------------
Twilight answered the door with a smile, “Come in! I was just shelving some books I got from Canterlot! It’s so nice to see you both!” She was always bright and cheerful, “Would you like something to eat? I was going to grab a bite.”
Applejack snorted, slapping a hoof on Crusader’s shoulder, “Ah don’t want to let him in a kitchen, he might pick a fight with the blender.”
Twilight blinked at the snickering Applejack, the deadpan look on Crusader’s face, “What’s that?”
The orange Earth pony kept chuckling, “Ah caught him in the kitchen this mornin’ declaring war on mah stove, he was about to beat it with a fryin’ pan!”
Twilight was now very confused, though extremely interested, “Why in Celestia’s name would you do that?”
“It is an evil, malevolent thing and I am going to destroy it.” The look on the umber stallion’s face was of revenge.
“Crusader, you’re not making a whole lot of sense here.” Her eyes were inquisitive, then snapped to Applejack as she roared in laughter.
“He can’t cook!”
“What?”
“Ah said, he can’t cook! It was a pure disaster in the kitchen this mornin!”
Twilight held a hoof in front of her mouth, “No, that can’t be true...can it?”
Crusader nods mournfully.
Twilight’s ears perked up, “All that stuff you can do? The guns and making things and everything..and...and you can’t cook?”
“.....No.... You can stop laughing Applejack.”
“Ah’m sorry sugar, but..oh stars!” She slaps a hoof on his shoulder once more accompanied by laughter.
Twilight throws a leg around Crusader’s shoulders in a hug, “Come! Into my castle we shall go! As the Princess of Friendship it is my duty to help with...with...cooking lessons!” The lavender mare starts snickering along with Applejack as they entered her residence.
Crusader’s voice is laced with quite a bit of sarcasm as he replies, “Thank you...SO...very much.”
The laughter followed the three into the crystal castle as the doors shut behind them.
-------------
The three Crusaders were happily chatting with Athena as they arrived at Zecora’s temporary residence.
Apple Bloom politely knocked on the door, “Zecora? Ya home?”
The door opens to a smiling black and white face, “Well well ‘tis the Crusaders I see! Bringing a friend as well to me.”
Apple Bloom points a hoof at the sable pegasus, “This is Athena! She’s a Bolo!”
A striped hoof lifts up, Athena returning the gesture to bump it politely, “Truly it is a pleasure to see, one who protects Ponyville and me.”
“P...p..pleasure to..to meet you..”
Sweetie Belle hugs her taller friend's leg, “She’s kinda shy Zecora.”
The cyan eyes are smiling and warm, welcoming Athena with gentle ways, “Come come, no reason to be shy. One day you will be the apple of somepony’s eye!”
Apple Bloom smiles up at the Zebra, “She is pretty huh?”
Athena blushes down to her hooves, not knowing what to say.
“Oh she is Apple Bloom, but come in I have more than enough room!” She gestures to the four, following behind as the three Crusaders tumble into the living area.
Athena watches the striped pony, noticing things that would not occur to others; such as the dzilla neck rings, worn in the far past by the Ndebele people of southern Africa. This parallel she stores away to give to Crusader later.
“So my little fillies, what can Zecora do? Or are you in trouble again, now tell me true.” She gives each Crusader a tap on the nose, eliciting giggles.
“We’re not in trouble, but we do need some help!” Apple Bloom gushes excitedly, “Mah sister’s stove..well..we think it’s some kinda monster and wondered if you’d have somethin’ to get rid of it!”
Scootaloo pipes in, “Yeah! Maybe stoves all over Ponyville are! We’re gonna exorcize them before they get anypony!”
Zecora eyed the three fillies and their friend, knowing they were up to something that would probably not end well. But she was of a good heart and soul, for foals were precious for only so long then they grew up. She thought of something that might let them have a bit of fun.
“I think I may have just the thing, but you’d best be careful with this ring!” She got down a ring of metal, something enchanted in her people’s ways to work with a blue powder she retrieved from a shelf.
The ring was a toy to play with, when the powder was thrown at something the ring’s enchantment brought to life spooky images for the delighted screams of little foals. She had been making it for Nightmare Night this year, but decided to let them test it for her. Harmless and fun, the shades would last a few minutes only.
The three sets of eyes, and even Athena’s were wide as they looked at the metal loop, along with the shimmering blue powder in a bag.
“Wow, what’s that?” Apple Bloom was poking the bag.
“This powder is magical, so much you see. It will reveal that which is hidden, to let it be!” She winked at the three fillies and Athena.
“So it’ll show us if it’s a monster or not?” Sweetie Belle was bouncing in place excited.
Zecora nodded, warmed by the excitement of the Crusaders and Athena.
“But the ring will protect you all the way, it will keep those nasty things at bay.”
Scootaloo punched the air, “All right! Let’s go get them things!”
“But..but how do we get em to go away!” Apple Bloom was looking a bit worried.
Zecora smiled again, her warm full voice telling the little filly, “A spell I shall show, to make them go!”
Taking a proud stance, she pointed a hoof, “Kwenda mbali wewe ya hofu, kuwa hapa hakuna zaidi usiku huu. Kuchukua maumivu yako na kupata mbali, kuja mara ya pili ya siku nyingine!”
Athena’s ears perked up, hearing another dialect for the first time in Ponyville. She took approximately .000423 seconds to realize with a shock, that was Swahili! What in the stars would that language be doing here? She stored the recording carefully.
“So..so what’s that do Zecora? Sweetie Belle was trying to repeat the liquid sounds.
“It bids a monster or spirit be away, to never come back forever today.” Zecora chuckled to herself, the little foal’s rhyme was something said before bedtime in her lands, to let little ones sleep peacefully. Roughly translated it said, (Go away you fright, be here no more this night. Take your pain and get away, come not again another day.)
The striped mare wrote it quickly on a piece of parchment, teaching the three to say the words carefully.
“I think you are ready to face your fear, let those bad things come no more near. Be careful then little ones, but go out and have some fun.” She smiled, tapping them again on their noses, giving them a wink each. “You are brave little foals, let nothing stand between you and your goals.”
“We won’t Zecora! Thanks! We’ll get them monsters!” Apple Bloom was heading for the door, followed by Sweetie and Scootaloo.
Sweetie turned around and grabbed Athena’s hoof, tugging her out the door, “C’mon, we got us monsters to get!”
Athena let herself be drawn out of the comfortable residence, her face had a look of confusion as she wondered about the language. She made sure she had everything recorded and turned to go with Sweetie. “Where to?”
“Apple Bloom’s! We’re gonna see if that monster is there first!”
Oh yes, monsters, we know how to deal with them! Athena’s face lightened into a grin, she would protect the Crusaders!
--------------
“And that’s how you boil an egg!” Twilight grinned happily, though Applejack sat at the table still snickering every once in a while.
“Yes Twilight, I got that the first five times. Could we get back to the subject at hoof?”
Her violet eyes twinkled with mischievousness, “You sure now? We wouldn’t want to say you haven’t learned anything!”
I pinch my nose, adding a sigh, “I promise I am not going to pick a fight with any kitchen utensils, machinery or so forth. Yes, I now know how to boil an egg perfectly from watching you the first time.”
“There’s scrambled eggs, poached, sunny side up too! So MANY things you can do!” Her magic reaches out and levitates a cook book into the kitchen, “Look at this, you can make pancakes and waffles too! Wouldn’t want you go hungry!”
“Why not just give me the book so I can scan and store it?”
Twilight chuckles, leaning in close to my face, “Because it’s not as fun!”
“Doom upon you all, everypony everywhere. Give me the book.” I reach for the tome encased in a glow.
It shoots out of my reach, “Ah ah! My book!” Twilight is laughing.
Applejack is cheering, “Go Twi, get ‘em!”
“I warn you, I am faster.” I glare at the laughing Alicorn.
“So? You’re just being grumpy!” She raises an eyebrow, lifting the book further.
I close my eyes for a brief moment, “Alright. I promise to be more cheerful if you will...please...give me the book?”
“Ah dunno Twi, it don’t seem he’s bein’ too honest there.”
“Applejack...”
“What? Element of Honesty here and all that!” She waves a flippant hoof at me with a smile.
Twilight is still chuckling, keeping the book out of reach, “Onnnne more time..”
“Please, may I have the book?”
She taps a hoof on her chin, “Wellll...I guess that was sincere enough.” Her magic lowers it to the counter where I can scan it.
I am hugged from behind, a familiar warm form against me, “Gotta lighten up sugar, it can’t be all serious all the time.”
“I will my Applejack, if I hadn’t gotten it this time I would have probably kissed her, it would be distracting enough to get the book.”
I hear a gasp behind me where Applejack is leaning, silence reigns, Twilight is blushing from horn to hooves as she stands there with her mouth open.
“Gotcha.”
-------------
Athena and the three Crusaders are gathered in Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse kitchen, giving the once over to the spell and looking determined. Athena sat to the side, ready to act if needed but watching with a bit of curiousity.
The four faced the stove, sitting there quietly against the wall.
“Okay, I got the ring, it’ll keep whatever it is back.” Apple Bloom holds the metal loop up, “Scoots, you toss some o’ that powder and Sweetie will say the spell to get rid of it, got it?”
“Got it!”
“Ready!”
“Athena, anythin’ goes wrong you can handle it right?” All three sets of eyes watched her, needing reassurance.
The sable Pegasus nods, “No harm will come to you, I promise.”
“All right! Let’s do this!” Scootaloo put a pinch of the powder on her hoof.
“Apple Bloom held the ring in front of her like a shield, “Okay go!”
Scootaloo threw the powder on the stove, as it hit the surface the ring’s magic took over, turning the powder into a shade from their worst nightmares. None could describe it fully but it was vicious and fanged, dripping saliva on the floor as it roared into existence. Even Athena was taken aback by the monster appearing in the kitchen.
“SWEETIE say the SPELL!”
“I..ohmygosh.. I can’t! I can’t!” She was riveted by the cloud pouring up from the stove, the thing screaming in rage.
“Sweetie!”
“I can’t pronounce the stupid words!”
Athena immediately acted, it was a threat!
From her sitting position she swept out a back hoof, pushing the three Crusaders back into the hallway. Her wings snapped outward as she stood up on her back hooves. Her battle screen flickered to life instantly, covering her in glowing sparkles. Standing up in a modified stance, she shoved off the wooden floor in a graceful bound.
Her eyes focused on the enemy threat, narrowing her vision as data scrolled across her internal screens. Angles and amount of force were calculated in attoseconds as she floated in the kitchen, every moment slowed to a lifetime as Hyper Heuristic mode shot into place.
Wings angled straight out to her sides as she levitated in the still atmosphere, the Crusader’s watching with amazed eyes as she moved so fast.
Her fore hooves punched blows and holes into the cloud, pummeling the shadow before she started to spin. She threw her head to the left, bringing with it her entire body in a snake like movement. Following her around, the right wing cut through the monster like it was butter, including the cabinets behind it. The pieces not even separating yet as she continued her twist. The followup wing cut through at a different angle, sliding through more cabinets as she finished her three hundred and sixty degree turn.
As she was falling back to the wooden floor, she bent backwards, landing on her forehooves as her lower half shot up, planting two devastating back hooves into the monster and the wall beyond, knocking large holes in it. She kept moving her lower body up and over her head, somersaulting and landing on her back hooves in front of the Crusaders, her fore legs up in a defensive stance as she scanned the room for more enemies.
All was silent in the kitchen as the cabinets fell with a crash, the pieces sliding apart and hitting the floor with the only sound except for breathing. Athena stood slowly down from her upright position, looking around hotly as her body cooled from the power drain, heat rising off her coat.
“Are you all right?” Her lavender eyes looked back worriedly at the three fillies.
Three gaping Crusaders just nodded at her as their minds had not quite fully processed what they had seen. Apple Bloom was the first to recover.
“Ohmahgosh that was the most amazing thing ah’ve seen..”
“How did you DO that?” Sweetie Belle was tugging at her leg, “You beat that thing so fast!”
Scootaloo gasped, “We don’t have time! We gotta get to my mom!”
Sweetie squealed, “Rarity!”
The three Crusaders pushed Athena out the door, leaving the wreckage of what was once a kitchen behind. Strangely enough, the stove sat there untouched.
“I really think we ought to..” Athena started.
“No time we gotta save my mom and Rarity!” Scootaloo shoved the bewildered Pegasus out the door.
The four tore off down the road, leaving the spell parchment behind in their hurry to get to Rarity’s. Sweetie Belle dropping it in her haste to save her sister.
-------------
Rarity was not in residence as they tore into the Carousel Boutique, Athena immediately scanned for threats, shocked a bit by the appearance of such a thing over the stove at Applejacks.
“In here!” Sweetie Belle pointed into the kitchen.
Athena stepped forward first, her body tense and hair trigger, she stared at the stove. It was quite a nice model, spotlessly clean with all kinds of fancy gadgets.
Innocuous things are always hiding the enemy!
“Ready the powder Scootaloo,” She pointed behind her, “You three stay behind me. Apple Bloom you have the ring?” She was taking charge now, the threat overwhelming if this stove was also possessed.
“I got ‘er right here!”
“Sweetie, the spell?”
“I..ohmigosh I forgot it!”
“No worries, stay behind me.”
Scootaloo readied the powder once more. “Throw it Scoots!”
Flinging through the air, it landed again on the stove, igniting in a cloud of flame, bringing to life another demon from the pits of Tartarus.
Athena did not even wait this time, she acted. She had decided the stoves themselves were the source of the monsters. Kill the stove, kill the contagion. She would deal with Applejack’s stove later.
Before the three fillies could take a breath she was off the floor in a bound, her lithe body stretched out with both hooves in front of her, forming a fist with her battle screen as it snapped on. Her wings outspread as she pummeled the cloud.
The microsecond she touched the wall behind the cloud, her body curled, turning to face backwards as she brought her left forehoof back in a smashing blow through the cloud, followed by the right whipping through the air. Both hooves connecting with power and speed.
She let herself get turned from the strikes, flipping off the wall with her back hooves, she landed in front of the stove, bringing her fore hooves straight down on the stove, crumpling it like a ball of tin as the monster dissipated.
Her face a mixture of triumph and disgust as she pounded it into nothing more than pieces of scrap.
Maybe we should call Crusader...but.. I’m not angry or panicking. I can handle this! I am a Bolo Assault Unit and no thing from wherever will defeat me!
Athena raised a hoof in triumph as the Crusaders just stared.
She grabbed food off the counter, what was left of it, gobbling it down as she needed reaction mass badly. Her face covered in a mixture of cake and leftover sandwiches.
Apple Bloom could only watch as she saw the little Pegasus eat more than Big Mac and faster too!
Scootaloo was almost in tears, “C’mon! My MOM!”
Athena dumped the rest of the food, grabbing the fillies up and placing them on her back, “Direct me, we need to get there soonest.”
Scootaloo pointed down the street as they tore past watching ponies, wondering what all the racket was in the Boutique.
-----------
At Scootaloo’s house, Athena kicked the door in..well..off it’s hinges actually. Scootaloo rushed in to find her mother cooking lunch at the stove.
“MOM! Get away from the stove!”
“Dear, I’ve told you, wipe your hooves off before you come in and don’t slam the door.” Scootaloo's mom was of a quiet voice and smiles to her daughter.
Athena stepped forward, “Please step away from the stove ma’am.”
“What’s going on here Scoot? Who is your friend?”
Scootaloo tugged her mom away from the lurking stove, leaving lunch to burn as Athena stepped around them. “You don’t understand, the stoves are monsters!” She pointed to the current fixation of Athena and the Crusaders.
Scootaloo’s mother was one of those moms everypony wishes they had, unruffled by anything short of the apocalypse.
“Dear, I know it’s a bit cranky some days, but it’s a good stove.”
“Nono! Watch! Athena’s here to help too!”
“Well pleasure meeting you Athena, Scootaloo hasn’t been any trouble has she?”
Athena could only look at the serene mare, wondering if she was Bolo in disguise.
Apple Bloom held out the ring, Scootaloo tossed a bit of powder on the stove, another demon roaring and snarling into life.
Scootaloo’s Mom however, “Well there’s something you don’t see everyday.” Her face showed a bit of dismay, “But it’s always been such a nice stove.”
Athena brushed past her with no fancy tricks this time. She pounded the stove quickly with one hoof, turning and back kicking it through the wall where it ended up in a crumpled heap in the side yard. The sable Pegasus stepped through the hole and finished the job, making sure nothing was left but scraps.
Scootaloo was hugging her mother, "See!"
"Dear, I don't know what to say really. Your father might be a bit upset about that hole though." The light tan mare was a bit put out over the loss of lunch, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. As long as her daughter was fine, then the world was alright with her.
Roseluck happened to be walking by with her sisters, they were peering into the side yard seeing Athena beating to death a helpless stove from what it looked like.
“My! What is going on?”
Sweetie Belle came out of the hole in the wall, “The stoves are monsters! They’ve got monsters in ‘em! That’s why only some ponies can cook on them!” She got three blank stares in return, she continued on waving her tiny hooves, “Know how when ya cook it’s only like ONE pony that can cook things? The others can’t make anything right?”
Well everypony knew that, some just can’t cook is all, the three sisters nodded.
“That’s cause they’re monsters! They’re waiting for the right time and fooling the ones who can cook till they eat em!”
Roseluck laughed, “That’s just silly.”
Apple Bloom had joined Sweetie by this time, “Oh ya think? Let’s check yer stove then!”
Rose, Daisy and Lily exchanged shrugs, “C’mon over, our stove is fine.”
The group of Crusaders, Athena and the sisters entered the house next door. Beautiful with green plants, the fragrance of roses and orchids, it was a wonderful place. It was marred by only one thing.
The stove.
Athena stared at it, readying herself for combat. “Do it fillies.”
Apple Bloom held out the ring as Scootaloo threw the blue powder. The sisters were chuckling at the antics as the cloud burst forth from the stove into freezing cold flakes of snow, bringing with it a monster made of ice!
Three jaws dropped, seeing the thing crawling out from the stove. Athena moved in quickly, pummeling it into scrap once more as the monster dissipated into the air. The kitchen was partially destroyed in an instant, her pounding causing jars and plants to fly off shelves and cabinets. She didn’t stop until it was flat as a board.
“But...but..”
“I always wondered why YOU were the only one that could cook!”
“That wasn’t..it WAS possessed!!”
The three mares went ripping out of their house, screaming at passing ponies about the stove monsters.
-------------
I have thoroughly enjoyed the past few hours. Applejack, Twilight and I doing cooking lessons and talking about getting her brother Shining Armor into Ponyville for a plan to help the foals.
As long as I do not go near them, we can fool the intelligence until it is too late for it to react. It is not as smart as it wishes it was.
“Can’t believe ya threatened to kiss Twilight you lug.” I am bumped by Applejack’s shoulder.
“Well she is very pretty, you have to admit.”
“Are you flirting with her?” Applejack’s eyes are sparkling, she is my love for a reason.
“I’m sure I am not acceptable, for I am a plain pony with no desires above my station.” I put a hoof to my chest at the declaration. “She is a Princess after all.”
“Oh you are so full of ponyfeathers!” I receive a sweet kiss on the cheek.
“Yes, yes I am.” I finish up my latest creation, a curry with peppers. “Here we have it, dig in!”
Twilight giggles at the back and forth between myself and Applejack, waiting for her plate, “Oh I don’t know Applejack, I mean he is a steal.”
“That he is,” She waves her hoof, “Doncha get no ideas now!”
She laughs, looking at her friend, “Well! I would never!...Maybe if you dumped him?” She gives Applejack a glance from the side of her eyes, a grin crossing her face.
“Twilight! Can’t believe you said that!” She throws a roll at the Alicorn, from my last plate of them we had baked previously.
All three of us laugh, it is comfortable. In a human setting there would probably have been a fight or argument, as it is here things are much more easier said. Not taken with so much offense.
I am pleased at my progress in cooking and will share the data with Athena when I can, she would enjoy this.
I set the plates down in front of the two, before settling in my own place though I lean over giving Twilight a kiss on the cheek, “Some pony is going to learn that you are so very special Twilight.” I sit in my seat, “If they don’t treat you well, they will answer to me.”
She blushes deeply, looking at her plate. Applejack is giving me a warm look because she wants her friend to be as happy as she is.
“C’mon Twi, ya know he’s right.”
“I..I know, just.. Thank you!” She hugs the orange pony tight, “You’re a great friend!”
We sit in companionable silence while eating, I believe it has turned out well. The plan is going forward in my tactical cores with the addition of Twilight’s brother who I would like to meet.
Saving the children is first on my mind though even as I share a meal. I cannot help but worry about what would happen to them should I make one misstep.
Our meal is interrupted by the slamming of the large doors, hooves are ringing out over the castle floors as two out of breath town guards enter the kitchen.
“Princess Twilight...there...there’s...monsters..”
I do not pause, I immediately go to high alert and contact Athena.
“Athena! Is everything all right?”
“Yes Crusader, I got this! Stupid monsters!”
“WHAT monsters?”
“You were right, they were in the stoves! They’re all over Ponyville!”
“WHAT?”
“Applejack, Twilight, Athena is reporting monsters...in the stoves?”
“What? Is she serious?”
“I believe so, we need to go look.”
All three of us tear out of the kitchen, leaving the tired guards behind as we enter into a scene of mass confusion in the street.
“What in tarnation is goin’ on?”
-------------
The Flower sisters had told a friend about what had happened with their stove, it had spread. Ponies asked the Crusaders and Athena to come check their stoves, and since the powder was magical, they ALL registered as infested.
Athena was having the time of her life, so far twenty stoves had been cleansed of the contagion and they were heading to another. Not so hard brother mine! I can handle anything that’s thrown at me!
The panic was inching outward now as word got around. Mothers pulled their children away from kitchens to wait for the guard, the Crusaders and Athena were hitting houses to check as fast as they could. Ponies were keeping loved ones and friends away from possible contaminated cooking appliances.
The local appliance dealer shut his store, waiting outside to make sure no one went in or got hurt by possibly infested stoves or other items.
Into all this stepped Crusader, Twilight and Applejack as ponies gathered for safety in numbers, weapons were being drawn from the armory in preparation for another fight.
------------
Twilight grabbed a pink blur off the street, “Pinkie! Whats going on?”
“I don’t know! Ponies are saying their stoves are possessed and Athena’s beating them into scrap metal if they are! The Crusaders are checking them and there’s monsters coming out of each one!” Pinkie paused for a short inhalation, “I gotta go check Sugar Cube Corner! Ohmygosh my muffins!”
They watched her gallop off down the street. Another form came to a skidding halt in front of them, Rarity.
“Goodness! I’ve never seen such activity! Stoves are possessed? What is going on darlings?”
Applejack shrugged, “We dunno, we just walked out and saw alla this!” She gestured, “Do you know where the Crusaders are?”
“I haven’t been to the Boutique today, it was a Spa day and I heard the utter commotion! Poor Fluttershy is hiding in the spa.”
Twilight looked around herself, at the ponies in the streets, “We need to get to the bottom of this! Crusader, contact Athena.”
“At once Twilight.”
“Athena?”
“Sorry, Athena is busy right now, please leave a message and she will get back to you right after destroying these monsters! BEEP!”
I am sure the expression on my face is what is making Twilight, Applejack and Rarity look at me curiously right now.
“Athena, you need to bring the Crusaders and yourself to the castle, please, it’s important.”
“Be right...YEAH! Another down!...There!”
“Please hurry.”
We watch at that moment a window that bursts outward, a shower of glass and metal following the stove as it hits the ground, Athena following in a graceful maneuver as she jumps through the hole. She lands hooves first on the wayward stove, smashing it flat with powerful strikes. I really am very proud of her.
She raises a hoof with a victorious yell, followed by three very filthy Crusaders from the doorway. It appears she is getting thanked by the homeowner, her shyness showing as she is not sure what to do but smile.
Spotting us, she rounds the three fillies up, trotting over to our little group as Applejack starts laughing. Rarity is on the point of having a fit of extreme proportions as Sweetie Belle grins through a layer of dirt.
The three Crusaders are absolutely the filthiest I’ve seen them, barring the time in my access-way. They have been following Athena in her trail of destruction, pointing out possessed stoves to her it seems.
“Athena what is going on?”
“You were right! The stoves are inhabited by some sort of monster!”
Twilight looks at the group, “How do you know this?”
Scootaloo pipes up, “Zecora gave us this magic powder and ring, it shows the monsters!”
“It shows the monsters?”
“Yeah! Athena’s been beating em down all over town, she’s great!” Apple Bloom interjects, she is leaning against my sister who is looking quite pleased with herself.
Twilight has been rubbing her chin with a hoof, “Scootaloo, throw some of that powder on the ground here?”
“Sure Twilight, nothing’ll happen you’ll see, it’s the stoves!”
Apple Bloom readies the ring, we all watch as Scootaloo throws some powder, it suddenly lights up, bringing to life another monster from nightmares. Applejack and Twilight leap back, Rarity about faints.
“What in Celestia’s name!”
Sweetie Belle gasps, “Oh no, they're ALL OVER Ponyville!”
Twilight holds out a hoof, “Hang on, hang on.”
I grab my sister before she can pounce, holding her tight. She has a look on her face that would make me happy were she not out to kill something. It is good to see her smile though.
I watch Twilight walk around the roaring thing, sticking a hoof in it and sniffing it slightly, “This seems like..wait a second..”
Zecora comes rushing up to us, seeing the powder being used, “Oh no, I am right, I meant to cause fun not fright!”
“Was this a joke Zecora?” Twilight is curious now.
The Zebra nods, “I am so sorry to my shame, I’m the one responsible and to blame.”
Twilight waves a hoof, smiling, “Nonono, I guess ponies tend to...overreact...a bit?”
Applejack waves a hoof, “A bit? The whole town’s gone nuts!”
“They’ll calm down. Zecora, I’m so sorry, the Crusaders kinda let things get out of hoof, it’s not your fault.”
“I should have known better, and followed my own rules to the letter.”
“Rules?”
For the first time since they had met her, she spoke a sentence without rhyming.
“Don’t give the Crusaders things to play with.”
The three fillies were looking quite bashful, needless to say my sister joined them in that sad tableau. “We didn’t know, honest, we’re really sorry.”
Twilight snickered, seeing the non rhyming rhymer and the sad looking foursome, she couldn’t help it. Her muzzle wrinkled and then she fell over as she laughed, long and loud. Applejack joined in, giving Apple Bloom a hug to get rid of her sad face, even Rarity gave Sweetie a hug, though very lightly so she wouldn’t get herself dirty.
Zecora laughed as well, she had a rich full voice that impressed me very much.
I held a blushing Athena under my leg, hugging her tight as the laughter swelled, ponies stopping their rush and learning quickly it was not as things seemed. There were no monsters in the stoves, nor were there ever.
Twilight enhanced her voice as she stood in the street, “Attention Ponyville!” I watched all eyes turn towards her, “There are no monsters in, on or around your stoves! The Cutie Mark Crusaders have..well..done it again! Sorry folks!”
A sigh of relief passed over the town, another Crusader action, they meant well but as usual more happened than expected.
Athena tries to hide under my arm as I held her tight, she was apologizing over and over to me about everything and she didn’t know and...
“Stop Athena.” Lavender eyes looked up from under her mane, “Did you have fun?”
“Y..yes, it was so much fun, I tho..thought...I was..was... helping.”
“Then that is all that matters.” I smile and kiss her cheek, “That is all that matters.”
“I did really good though!” She perks up, giving me a smile.
“She did! You shoulda seen her, she pounded them ovens into pieces!” Apple Bloom is jumping now, showing what Athena had done.
I look around at ponies slowing down, the arms being returned to the care of the guards, messes being cleaned up. It is going to be a long day today.
“Come along Sweetie, we need to get you cleaned up!” Rarity is insistent.
“Ohhhh no! Not this time! I get to help with cleaning up, we made the mess we’ll clean it!” She sticks her lower lip out, she is looking quite adorable I must say.
“But Sweetie, you can’t get..”
“What? More dirty? Oh yes I can!” She leaps over into a mud puddle and rolls around in it, nothing but a grin showing, “See!”
“SWEETIE!” Yep, Rarity faints. Athena tells me she might yet do it again if she sees what my sister has done to her kitchen.
The final tally, after hours of clean up is Athena 25, Stoves 0. I am so very proud of my sister, though we do have a talk about calling me before getting into anything else with the Crusaders. She is giddy from her protection of the Crusaders though, they seem to have become even closer, the four helping with the mess they made.
I should have warned her, that was my fault. I do purchase new stoves for the ponies affected by my sister’s enthusiastic removing of the monsters inside them. The appliance store pony was thrilled for the business.
Incredibly, throughout all the clean up, there is laughter, there are smiles and good natured ribbing. Yes, some things like this do go a bit far, but nopony cares. It is just the way of life. The Crusaders, though a bit of a hoof full sometimes, are universally loved. Ponies like to smile, even in the worst of times. I wonder, if humans would have been as easy to accept such things or others, that the universe might have been a very different place.
------------
However....
“Lower blast shields”. I flip the helmet front down along my face, Athena and the Crusaders do the same. I have modified tanker helmets to fit ponies. All five of us are sitting on one of the Dragons, facing the forest.
“Everypony good?”
“Yep!”
“Got it!”
“Yes!”
“Affirmative Mon Capitan!”
“Athena...” The Crusaders giggle with my sister.
I receive a call, “Crusader?”
“Yes my Applejack?” I allow the others to listen in.
“I can’t believe ya bought all this for the house, I’m not quite sure what to do with this fancy stove and such, big enough for two houses!”
“Enjoy it love, it is for you. You are always making something.”
“Well Granny loves it too she says thank ya’!”
“She is very welcome.”
“What’d ya do with the old stove?”
“One second.”
I give the command to the Dragon beneath us, angles have been calculated so there is a margin of safety.
“Now my Hound.”
The 20cm Hellbore goes off with a roar, blowing our manes back, Athena catches Sweetie as she starts to tumble off the turret. The nuclear blast going downrange and vaporizing the target.
I pat the turret, “Thou art a good and faithful servant.” I swear the Dragon purred.
I return to the conversation, “I gave it to somepony that could use it my love.”
“Oh that’s nice! Well get home soon, dinner’s cooking! ...You firing a big gun?”
“Yes Applejack, just a test, it’s safe.”
“Alrighty then, see ya soon!” She clicks off.
Everypony looks at each before they start laughing, Athena is howling so hard she cannot stand. The Crusaders cannot hold onto the turret as they are giggling mightily.
I smile, joining in the laughter as I look downrange to see the smoking hole.
I warned you my enemy.
------------
The abomination had come back from laying it’s final plans. T’would be sweet, to taste the flesh of young mares, ravishing them before devouring their souls. It’s reach extended everywhere! Oh it was all going according to...wait..
---Welcome oh soul of evil---
“Who are you?”
---Let us say, I will be your concierge, for eternity.--- A vicious chuckle followed the statement.
“Where am I? This is not..”
---No, no it’s not, but you will be staying here.---
“I will NOT! I am a god! You cannot....”
---I can do what I wish for I am Cerberus, Guardian of Tartarus. You, my evil friend are due.--
“I will escape! I will torture you forever for this!”
---You will do nothing. We have plans for you. The pits in the lowest part need some help. I think you’ll like cooking for your torturers.---
“What? NO! No this is not...NO!”
Cerberus dragged the stove behind him, laughing loudly in a hollow way as he took the appliance to a fate it so richly deserved.