//------------------------------// // Today I Face My Problems Head On // Story: I Am Going To Save And/Or Destroy Equestria! // by Bucking Nonsense //------------------------------// I know what you're thinking: I was just going to run right in, charge that golden jerk who launched me without so much as a how-do-you-do, and instantly get blasted again. You were thinking that, right? If you were, then shame on you! Like I said, I've played some of the trickiest, most deceitfully difficult games ever coded, and beat them. I've faced the final bosses of both Dark Souls games, equipped with nothing more than the equivalent of a toothpick and a thong, using nothing more than tactics and strategy, and at level one no less, and won without being touched. I've learned to read the 'tells' of my opponents to the point that I could even beat Mike Tyson and Mister Dream in the original Punch-Outs on the NES, and have actually seen the ending of Battletoads without needing to use a Game Genie or cheat codes. When it comes to reading my opponents and reacting quickly, I am the man. Whatever that thing that blasted me was, it had a pretty big tell. I had not really noticed when Sunset had cast a spell earlier, but when unicorns cast spells, their horns glow. This thing, while maybe not a unicorn, did, in fact, have the same effect: It's horn glowed for at least a second before it had launched me at high speeds. So, the lesson of the day was: When the horn started glowing, move, dumbass! That was why, when I reached the chamber I was just in, I was already hopping to one side while the golden thing's horn started glowing. It tracked me, it's horn ceasing its glow while trying to keep up, but I was already hopping right back into my original path, then jumped, my body twisting in a display of acrobatics that I would never have imagined myself capable of back in the 'waking' world, unfolding into a perfect dropkick. ...Imagine my surprise when I passed right through it as if it wasn't even there. I flew several feet before my momentum gave way to gravity's harsh commands and I was brought down to the ground with a thud. Gravity, that total bitch. One day, there will be a reckoning between us. Mark my words. I wasn't hurt, but my pride had taken a critical hit. The voice in my head's harsh laughter didn't help things. *I can't believe you just tried to dropkick an archon! They're intangible! You may as well have just tried to punch the wind!* Intangible? It had looked pretty solid to me until I'd tried to lay it out with a boot to the head... The... archon? Well, it looked even more surprised than I was. After a moment, it walked over, its head tilted to one side in what could only be considered confusion. "Subject's behavior is inconsistent with that of a dark wizard. Reevaluating threat potential..." "Oh my gosh, is that an archon?" I heard Sunset ask from the doorway. "Apparently," I muttered, annoyed. If the voice in my head had known that it wouldn't work, why hadn't he told me so? *And miss the chance to see the look on your face?* Wait, so... he was on the outside, looking in? How does that work, exactly? "Threat reevaluation complete," the archon said, lifting its head up. "Subject has been reclassified as 'fool'. Threat potential, zero percent. Ignore." With that, it walked away, going into the hallway that leads to the next chamber, dragging the mangled remains of my pride along with it... Rising slowly, I muttered, "Its lucky that that its ass is intangible, or I'd be kicking its back-end out through its earholes right now..." Sunset, quietly, walked over to me and whispered, "Actually, you're incredibly lucky. If that archon had started fighting seriously, it would have wiped you out in a heartbeat, and taken most of the mountain with you. An archon is made from pure magic: It can't be hurt with physical force, and it absorbs almost every kind of magic that you can throw at it..." Well, crap. She was right, then, I was lucky. Of course, that 'almost' meant that there was something that could potentially harm it, but whatever it was, I didn't bother to ask at the time. What I did ask was, "If its so strong, why not summon one of those to deal with the bad guys?" With a frown, the unicorn whispered, "Archons are bound to a single place, typically a building, and are physically incapable of leaving it, so unless they came to us, it wouldn't work. That, and the fact that it usually takes a full year of focused effort to create just one: It takes an absurd amount of power to create on, as well a lot of time and effort to 'write' the commands that they'll follow so that they won't immediately destroy anyone that enters its domain." With a look of suspicion, she asked, "But why didn't you know that?" Not wanting to risk my dream becoming a nightmare by stating the fact that this was a dream, I came up with the best possible response. "There are... gaps in my memories, likely a result of my having been among the deceased an hour ago. In time, I am certain that those gaps will close. In the meantime, there may be a few things that I'll not recall right away." I had no idea how much mileage I'd be able to get out of the whole 'Bitch, I was a corpse yesterday' card, but for the time being, it seemed to satisfy her. Sunset nodded and said, "Alright. But let's not separate again until we're sure that we're safe." "Agreed," I said with a nod. Pointing towards the exit where the archon had just exited through, I turned towards the other mares and said, "Let's follow that archon and see where it leads us." No one had any objections, so with no further ado, we were off. -------------------------------------- Diretusk admired his handiwork with a villainous sneer. He often felt pity for the other evil overlords of the world: To terrify their minions into obedience, they had to use torture, dark and dank dungeons, and the threat of violence. All that Dire needed was a bucket of soapy water, a brush, and some perfume, and he was the most feared pig on the planet. Mastering dark magic had only been necessary when he'd set his sights on world domination... Ironhide was now the cleanest, sweetest smelling boar that Boardor had ever produced... and he was crying like a little sow about it. Turning towards the Razorbacks who were watching with looks of horror, Diretusk proclaimed, "BEHOLD, THE PRICE OF FAILURE!!!" He was rewarded with a cringe from the thousands of assembled boars, the cream of the cream of Boardor's army. Heh. He'd been called the runt of his litter when he was born, but who needs strength or size when you can instill this kind of terror into your subjects with minimal effort? ---------------------------------------------- "So, remind me about the fiends of Tartatus," I said, looking over to my right at Sparkling Sunset. Nodding, she said, "There's twelve of them in total." "Thirteen," Ladyhawke corrected from my left, giving us a sidelong glance. "Discord makes thirteen." "Discord's been turned to stone," Sunset shot back. "He didn't escape from Tartarus, and he isn't likely to escape for at least a thousand years." With a smug smile, Lady retorted, "Maybe in a harmonious Equestria, but in the Equestria of today, who knows when the master of chaos might break loose." With a gulp, Sunset amended her previous statement, saying, "There's twelve escapees, and maybe Discord." A little more sure of herself, she continued, stating, "Of those, the most dangerous ones are Grogar, the goat of shadows, and Lord Tirek, the magic stealer. The others are a good deal less powerful, but still dangerous. The ones who might be the most problematic are the Raptorians." Looking over at Sunset, I asked, "Raptorians?" Those sounded dangerous. With a snort, Ladyhawke said, "They're a trio of birds with canine heads. They've been subjugated, and serve Diretusk. They're... decent fliers, but what makes them dangerous is that they're pretty resistant to magic, and vicious fighters with those sharp teeth and talons of theirs. When Celestia and Luna fought against them, the three loons were serving some wannabe queen of the world, who wanted to use their skills to harvest unicorn manes and tails to make a magical tapestry that she'd use to trap the two alicorns inside, along with anyone else she decided she didn't like. The princesses stopped her before she got more than halfway, and trapped her inside her own unfinished creation. During the fight to subdue the birdbrains, a torch fell over and burned the tapestry to ash. The queen is gone, and the Raptorians got crammed into Tartarus for their part in the whole sorry affair." "So, they're followers, not leaders. I'm surprised that they weren't with the hogs," I mentioned, giving the two ponies a look, one at a time. "They can't stand the cold," Ladyhawke said, simply. "Their wings ice up worse than a pegasus' wings will." Fair enough. "Who else?" "Lavan," Ladyhawke said, flatly. "He's a lava fiend. He was spotted heading towards the Crystal Empire, but with the winter storms having started, we haven't been able to get any word on what's happened since then. I doubt that there'd be any good news." "There's also King Charlatan," Sunset added, "A penguin ice mage of prodigious power. He was also seen headed that way." So, there were two fiends of opposing elements, likely already wrecking things in this... Crystal Empire. Wait... Crystal Empire... Looking over at the crystal pegasus, I asked, "You're from the Crystal Empire, right?" Ladyhawke gave me a glare, then said, "Obviously. Which is why I agreed to this entire crazy venture. As bad as your escapades were, either one of those jerks was enough to nearly destroy Equestria. Together, they'll almost certainly wipe the city off of the map before too long." Okay, no wonder she didn't like me: Apparently, I'd fucked up her home town... I nodded, then said, "So far that's seven: Tirek, Grogar, the three Raptorians, Lavan, and Charlatan. Who else do we have?" "Arabus," the two ponies said together. After a moment, Sunset added, "He's a cloud fiend. He steals the shadows of ponies, as well as other creatures, in order to become stronger. In regards to powers, it's hard to say what he can do, but Diretusk has him on a short leash." "There's also Crunch, the stone hound," Ladyhawke added, nodding grimly. "He's another one of Diretusk's minions. He turns ponies into stone, and he hates things that are soft, gentle, or kind." "Somnambula is another escapee," Sunset said, with a worried expression. "She's an extremely powerful and undeniably evil enchantress who uses her magic to steal youth and beauty from ponies. The more she steals, the stronger she becomes. She's still at large, but hasn't been seen since the battle a year ago." "Squirk is a sea fiend," Ladyhawke said with a scowl. "He's been Subjugated, but tends to stick to the coast. He's uncomfortable on land, and has been making sure that no one else tries to come in and poach on Diretusk's territory, you might say." "And lastly, there's Catrina, another evil enchantress," Sunset finished with a nod. "She's not been subjugated, but she may as well have been: Her powers are reliant on a potion made from Witchweed, and it just so happens that the boars happen to have a plentiful supply." WIth a scowl, she added, "Can't imagine why: Witchweed is nasty stuff, and long-term use can have some very nasty side effects." "And this Discord guy you mentioned?" I asked, curious. Both ponies shuddered, and Sunset said, "Discord is among the most powerful beings in Equestria. Celestia and Luna had to combine their powers with the Elements of Harmony in order to defeat him, and were able to turn him into stone. They kept him in the palace gardens, but with all that's happened... Well, Discord is a being of chaos. Were Equestria to remain at peace, it would take ages for him to break free. But with everything in such utter disarray, there's no telling when he might escape..." And judging from their reactions to his name, he was probably as bad, or worse, than all the others put together... *He's the ultimate wildcard,* the voice in my head added. *He takes joy in disrupting any kind of order or harmony. He's thrown peaceful kingdoms into violent civil war, but he's also toppled dictatorships by assisting rebel factions. However, he's only interested in entertaining himself, so if he broke loose from his imprisonment, there's no telling which way he might lean, or if he might just sit on the sidelines and watch.* Good to know. Up ahead, I finally saw what seemed like an opening. The archon was standing at the entrance to the next area, and with the same dull monotone as before, it stated, "Ahead lies the ultimate stronghold, Sanctuary. Please follow the lighted path to the central command station. From there, you can begin getting acquainted with the capabilities of this facility." Looking at the archon in annoyance, I asked, "Do you and I have a problem?" The archon looked at me, then stated, "Subject designation: Fool. A performer who tells jokes and performs acts of acrobatics and slapstick in order to entertain others. Threat potential: Zero." After a moment, it added, "If subject demonstrates any level of threat potential, then the subject shall be re-evaluated and dealt with accordingly." This was an entity that could blast me to atoms, and wouldn't feel bad about doing so, by the look of things. It was probably a good idea not to get on its bad side. "That's me," I said with a bow that I hoped was suitably comical, "the king of all fools." *Well, at least you're willing to admit it.* I couldn't argue with him there. As the ponies and I walked into the region beyond, walking through a darkness lit only by the light under the path that we were instructed to follow, and with the sound of our echoing hoofsteps in our ears, I couldn't help but reflect on how insane this all was. Nevermind the fact that I was hallucinating that I was in some kind of magical ponyland, had a voice in my head, and had just been recruited to fix the sky and had to face a rogues gallery of enemies fit to make Batman and Superman cringe, what was impossible was the fact that over one hundred females, some of them children, had placed their lives in my hands/hooves. I am not exactly an individual known for making, wise, well-thought out decisions, after all...