Another person might have reacted differently. They might have tried to make sense of the series of events that’d led to that particular moment. They might have taken a deep breath and proceeded to tell the pink mare, “All right, you’ve got me. Let’s talk and see if we can make sense of all this.”
This was what I did.
“Oh, sh—” I started to say, before I bolted into the stairwell. I slammed the door behind me, hurrying down the first set of stairs by the time I heard something smash against the door. I glanced back and found the smooshed face of a light-blue pegasus pressed against the glass. Although such a hit should have broken at least a bone or two, her tight-set expression was more of annoyance than pain.
Scraping against the door, the mare trickled out of sight and I heard the rest of their gang gallop in my direction. I didn’t waste any time waiting for them to come. On rubbery legs, I ran down the stairs, hooking my hand on the railing to keep me from falling.
I only hoped two legs were better than four on stairs.
As I got near the basement floor and the hall that led to the parking lot, the sound of hooves filled the small concrete space like artillery fire, garbage left on the stairs trampled underneath.
I pushed open the doors and stared down the dimly lit corridor, the noise from the stairs quieted once the doors shut. Only on occasion had I ventured down this skuzzy avenue towards my car. A leaking pipe from the ceiling dripped into a puddle. Fluorescent lights buzzed and flickered at random. At the very end, a set of double doors fed out into the parking lot, and with any luck, my route of escape.
The only problem was just how long the hall was, and how useless my stubby legs would be in a race against a horse.
Still, I ran like any other person would run while being harassed by ponies: hurried and confused.
Halfway down the hall, the noise of hooves increased and I knew it would only be a matter of seconds before they entered the hall. I made a split second decision and veered into the men’s room near on the right. Once inside, I checked for a lock. Finding none, I prayed that female ponies would have enough manners not to enter if occupied.
The sound of hooves on concrete increased. I entered one of the stalls and put both feet on the bowl. Then I crouched and held onto my pack, trying not to breath.
“He must have made it to the other end!” Twilight Sparkle shouted, out of breath. “We need to talk to him before he makes it out! Remember, we cannot be seen!”
Five voices collectively agreed and then sped past the washroom. I heard them trot to the far distance and exhaled in relief. I shut my eyes and ran a hand through my hair.
Clop-clop-clop-clop.
I heard a lone pony returning down the hall. Given how slow their pace was, I had a horrible idea of who it might be.
I gripped my bag tighter, causing my spell book to tumble out. I scooped it up and held it to my chest.
The washroom door opened and one of them walked in. I angled my head and saw it was the largest of them—the dark blue one with the angry scowl.
At least if I felt the urge to soil myself, I was in the right place.
She trotted to the other end of the room.
“Human?” she shouted. “Reveal yourself and end this foolishness!”
She kicked open the stall at the end. She moved onto the next, kicking it inward.
“I know you are in here, Stove! We must conduct palaver at once!”
Another door flew inward, hard enough to dent it.
Two more stalls and she’d kick in mine.
What an odd way to exit this life, I thought. Killed by a pony in a bathroom stall.
Bang! Clop-clop-clop. Bang! Clop-clop-clop.
Next she stood in front of mine.
She nudged it gently, the door rattling against the lock. “Stove? Cease these games at once.”
Obviously, I’d been found.
I sighed angrily. “It’s Steve, okay?! Steve! How can you not know that?”
The blue mare took a step back. “I am well-aware of your name, Stove. I only have trouble pronouncing its odd human sound.” She paused. “I have spent much of last thousand years on the moon, you see.”
I didn’t see. But that didn’t matter.
“What did you do to my co-workers? Did you kill them?”
She laughed. “We would never put you in harm’s way, Stove, nor your rabble. We merely froze them in place, so that our presence would go unnoticed.”
“Won’t they suffocate?”
“No.”
“Then what about the alarm? Why did that still go off?”
A sharp edge entered the mare’s voice. “We didn’t stop time, human. We only held the others in place until we were out of sight. The unicorns of our kind can wield magic the likes of which you will never understand. So question it no further.”
I had another dozen or so questions remaining, but thought I’d be shut out with the single word “Magic” repeated continually. My computer freezing like it had should have been enough evidence that something else was at play, but then again, every company computer was a piece of crap.
She said, “If you will not come out, then I will come in there and get you myself.”
A faint blue aura pulsed around the lock. I quickly grabbed it and held it in place. Her magic was horribly strong.
“Occupied!” I yelled girlishly.
“I care not for this metal box’s current occupancy, Stove! You are setting a terrible example for your race.”
I held the lock firm. “Well, you’re not doing that much better!”
She fumed outside the stall, and I felt the tension on the lock cease.
She took a few steps back. “In ten seconds, I will force this door inward, human. If you are of sound intellect, you will come out and agree with our requests. But if you are what I’m starting to believe you are, try not to make too much of a scene as I drag you out with my teeth.” She steadied herself. “One…”
I thought frantically. “Can’t we talk about this some more?”
“We have tried that, Stove. You ran. Discussion time will come later. Counting time is now.”
She continued on counting.
With my free hand, I wiped the sweat from my brow. I stared around the cramped stall again and thought of trying to escape under the wall. She’d only find me a moment later, though.
I opened my spell book and went to the pages I’d dog-eared. The mare didn’t deserve a blast of fire to the face (not yet, anyways), but maybe I could get my most-wanted butt somewhere out of her presence.
“Six!” she yelled.
“You missed a number!”
“I have not! Come out now and help us remove that villain from your home! Seven!”
I turned to a page with an illustration that started with a full black silhouette, ending with a clear outline. I thought I’d either be teleported away, turn invisible, or become some God-like omnipotent being watching events from up on high. I’d take any of the three if it got me away from the angry blue pony.
“Eight!”
I whispered the words, slurring them horribly. These were ones I’d never gone over.
“Nine!”
I shouted them out, feeling a sharp tug on my body in all directions. I gripped the book and my bag and the world went white. As I traveled, I heard a distinct popping sound, like a cork shot from a champagne bottle.
I kept my eyes closed and waited for a sound. When none came, I lifted a single eye and stared at my sweat-drenched reflection in the mirror. I was in another washroom stall, this one with the door open.
Every washroom in the company was stacked atop each other. Before teleporting away, I’d concentrated solely on the floor above. It seemed I’d made it there.
I shouted triumphantly, “Take that, you stupid little ponies!”
“How dare you say such blasphemy!”
The dark-blue mare came to the opening of my stall, teeth clenched and eyes narrowed.
I’d successfully teleported, yes. Only about as far as the next stall over. I made a mental note to speak each word a little clearer next time. Maybe a little louder, too.
I dropped the book back in my bag and held up both hands.
“Time to talk?”
She angrily huffed at a strand of her mane. “Yes.”
Since I thought I might be too valuable to be killed, I asked, “Can I ride you back to the others?”
She leaned into the thin stall until her face was less than an inch from mine. I’m not afraid to admit I’d never been more scared in my life than in the face of an angry pony alicorn. I almost felt remorse for Sombra in that moment; defeated twice by the same group that I was forced to deal with. Then I recalled how he ate my cat and spit out fur for a week, and suddenly I wasn’t all that sad.
The mare answered bluntly, “No.”
***
Begrudgingly, I followed her out of the washroom and back out into the hall. The rest of her friends stood at the head of the parking lot, not daring to go much further. When they heard the door slam shut, they turned and trotted back to us.
Suddenly I was staring at a plethora of varying colors and mares. Three had wings, while two had horns. Each one had their own butt tattoo and manes that defied the laws of gravity. The pink one looked at me as if I were made out of sugar, while the blue pegasus with the bruised cheek looked as if she was debating whether to hit me or not. Considering they all had hardened hooves for hands and feet, I mentally voted “not” as hard as I could.
Twilight walked up. “If you needed to use the washrooms, Steve, you could’ve just said so.”
I grimaced. “That’s not why… oh, whatever. If you wanna talk, let’s talk. You already scared me half to death with your entrance. I just want this over with.”
She nodded. “That’s all we want, too. So we’ll try and make this quick.” She held out her leg to me. “I need you to touch my hoof, Steve.”
“Why?”
“Because I think it’s best if we speak somewhere else. So take my hoof.”
Clearly, it was a trap of some sort.
Twilight smiled and rotated her hoof from side to side. “You’re not going to leave me hanging, are you?”
Trap or not, it was overwhelmingly cute.
I thought, If they wanted to take over the human world, I don’t think we’d stand a chance.
I sighed. “Fine.”
I placed my hand against her hoof, where it instantly became glued in place.
“Hold tight, now,” she said.
Pop!
The same wash of white from before ate up my vision, soon replaced by a sea of black. A chair had already been placed below me, and I heard hushed whispers as well as hooves over carpet.
One of them clicked on a desk lamp and shined it in my eyes. I raised a hand to shield them. “Is this really necessary?”
The pink mare spun the light to illuminate her face. “But of course it is, Steve! How else are we supposed to get all those gooey chunks of knowledge from your head?”
All at once, I was scared again. “I thought you wanted to talk.”
She brought the lamp closer. “Tell us what you know! Where’s the closest bakery from here?”
A set of overhead lights came on and I was able to view the rest of the room. Oddly enough, it seemed about as familiar as home.
I asked, “Is this a condo? Did you teleport me to a condo?”
I glanced behind me and found the kitchen and the hall to the bedrooms. It was the exact same layout as mine.
I asked Twilight, standing by the light switch. “You rented a condo on my block? How the hell does a group of ponies rent out a condo? How the hell has no one noticed you by now?”
She walked up. “We knew this location would be vacant for some time. The tenants are on vacation right now and won’t be back until next month. We haven’t gone out all that much, and we brought provisions with us.”
I nodded, as if that all made sense somehow. “Now what? Am I your hostage or something?”
She shook her head. “Nothing of the sort, Steve.”
The pegasus of pinks and yellows walked to the side of my chair, placing a hoof on my arm. “I know when I’m meeting new ponies, I sometimes get scared. But this time it’s okay, I promise.” She smiled. “You should know that the last thing any of us want is to cause you harm.”
Fearing the effects of diabetes through the consumption of overly sweet visuals, I turned away from the mare. The hand closest to her twitched erratically. Never before had I wanted to pet something as bad. I was pretty sure humans and talking ponies were never meant to co-exist.
Twilight said, “Maybe it would help if I introduced everyone. Obviously, I’m Twilight Sparkle. To your right is Fluttershy.” She motioned to the nearby couch loaded with mares. “From left to right are Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie on the recliner.” She stared at me again. “And behind you is Princess Luna. But I’m sure you already knew that.”
Two hooves clamped down on my shoulders; a warm breath blew on the back of my neck. “Greetings once more, human. Hope you are seated comfortably.”
She let go and trotted to some area behind me. I gulped dryly.
I told Twilight, “Well, there’s no chance I’m going to remember any of that.” I pointed a finger at each. “So for now it’s going to be Twilight, Ms. Pink, Apple-mare, Marshmallow, Rainbow-something, and the Pie One. And of course Luan.” The alicorn behind me dug her hoof into the floor. “I meant Luna, obviously.”
The mare near my chair whispered, “Why do I need to be Ms. Pink?”
Twilight closed her eyes and sighed. “Considering how we’ll hopefully not need to stay around much longer, I’ll forget you said anything. Now let’s talk about what needs to happen.”
“You want Sombra handed over on a silver platter. You’ve made that clear. And I told you I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. If you want him that bad, go get him yourself.”
Twilight walked back and forth along the carpet. “That could very well end in a fight, Steve. And that’s something none of us want.”
Luna snorted behind me. “I would welcome such a battle! That murderous stallion deserves nothing more than pain and death. Rehabilitation? Bah! You and my sister are too soft on wrongdoers.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Remember, Luna, indoor voice. These walls are a little thin.”
Luna huffed again and went silent.
“Has Sombra ever told you what he used to do, exactly?”
I thought for a moment. “He was a King, right? A bad one. Both morally and professionally.”
“That’s one way of putting it. But did he ever say anything more?”
“Only that he was the victim in all this. That you had no business in his Empire.”
Twilight went to the coffee table and levitated a laptop over to me.
“Maybe some more information might help.”
***
I was surprised. For a pony with only a few days’ contact with computers, the whole presentation was better than it should have been. Still, even with the subject matter being shown, I couldn’t help but giggle at each bad choice of font or color scheme.
Twilight hit the next button on her PowerPoint presentation. This page started with a crude drawing of Sombra, standing on some balcony with a crown and red cape. A pink autograph on the side let me know it was Pinkie Pie that was the hired artist, using the medium known as Microsoft Paint.
At the top, block letters in a red font read: “King Sombra: Tyrant of the Crystal Empire.” Below that was a list of facts encased in jagged bubbles, as if the information given needed more emphasis than it already had. It read:
“During his time as King, Sombra enslaved thousands and worked hundreds to death.
“Any uprising was destroyed and those involved executed.
“Writings found in his personal care indicated he would have taken over much of Equestria if given the opportunity.
“He likes crystals and stairs.”
The presentation took close to forty-five minutes and by the end of it I knew practically everything there was to know about the couch-potato living in my house. A lot of it I knew from before, when Sombra would start a monologue and refused to shut up, so I wasn’t completely naïve to the details. Only now was it clear how much of it wasn’t merely for show. Only now, when viewed from a different perspective, did it hit home how terrible he’d been in his world.
“He was a little pony Hitler, wasn’t he?” I mumbled.
Twilight took the laptop away. “I’m not sure who that is, but at least now you understand where we’re coming from. Given his history, he deserves worse than what he’s getting. The only problem is that he never chose to be sent here and live again. It would feel… wrong, somehow, to punish him before he’s done anything else. So that’s why he’ll be reformed once returned.”
I was still so uncomfortable with all this. “What do you mean by ‘reformed?’”
“What we mean is that he’ll undergo a procedure that should wipe away all his villainous tendencies and leave us with a regular pony in his place.”
“That sounds highly invasive. And a little sickening, really.”
Twilight cocked a brow. “You don’t think what Sombra did to his own subjects was sickening?”
She had me there. “Has this worked before? On other ‘villains’ of Equestria?”
At that, she perked up. “Good question! And I brought these pictures just in case.” She levitated a glossy piece of paper over. “Here’s Discord, before his arrival into the world of friendship.”
I took a look at the picture and felt the contents of my stomach rise. My jaw quivered from the sight. “Oh, god! What did you do to that thing? It’s in pieces and like… inside out! Oh, god, that’s disgusting! It should be shot and put out of its misery! You ponies are terrible! What did you do? Blow it up and sew it back together?”
Twilight took the picture away and glanced at it. “What do you mean? This is Discord before he was reformed. Here’s what he looks like now.”
She passed me another picture and I reluctantly looked. It was nearly identical to the previous one—a creature of odd stature, numerous limbs, and wild eyes floating in mid-air, only in this one was he donning a bowtie.
I handed it back. “Doesn’t seem all that different.”
Twilight nodded. “True. It’s hard to show a change that happens on the inside, but you need to trust us when we say we mean Sombra no harm. He could even be happy, once everything is said and done.”
I exhaled and put my head on a hand. “And what if I told you he’s happy right now? He likes not ruling over ponies. He enjoys sitting around all day. I’ve told you this before and I’ll say it again: there’s nothing to fear from him any longer. Now he’s basically a lazy, talking dog.”
Twilight put a hoof on my knee. “Steve, he can’t stay in the human world. If he was found, it would be disastrous for everyone involved.” She paused. “And is he truly your friend, Steve, or does it only seem that way? Sombra is a master manipulator. If he wanted to take your home from you by force, he would. He only needs you around to take care of him. Is that really what you want in life? Remember, he’s immortal. He’ll never go away as long as you live.”
I couldn’t meet her eyes.
Was Sombra my friend? Some days he was. Others not. That still didn’t alleviate a thing.
“He would be crushed if I gave him over to you.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter what he feels. What do you feel? Don’t you want your old life back, no more hiding in the shadows with a brooding pony all day? And what do you think he’d do if the situation was reversed? You think he’d care at all if you were taken away? I’m sorry to tell you this, Steve, but Sombra probably views you as a slave. So for as long as you’re still useful, he’ll try his best to keep you around.”
So much of what she said made sense. A lot of it I could not deny. My and Sombra’s relationship had always been give and take. I’d give him food and he’d take it. Truly, I’d consider a majority of the past seven months close to terrible, yet that didn’t stop those small moments of warmth from seeping through.
Just the other day, he’d opened up and told me what he feared most.
Just the other day, I got to scratch him behind the ears and didn’t need to drive myself to the ER.
Just the other day, he told me that he trusted me with his life.
Or had all of that been nothing more than simple manipulation?
For a very long time, I sat in my chair as seven sets of eyes regarded me wearily. Eventually, I turned back to Twilight.
“Tell me what you need me to do.”