//------------------------------// // I: Anesthetic Gives You Wiiiiiiiings // Story: ...And It's Freaking Cold Up Here // by TailsIsNotAlone //------------------------------// Well, the cold isn't so bad. I feel it, but I don't really feel it. It doesn't get to me. It's like I have fur or something. Still, I have the feeling that it's especially cold right now. Notice I said feeling, because that's all I have. I can't see a thing. I don't mean it's dark out, I mean I can't see. Not the sky, not the weird fluffy surface I'm sitting on, not even my hand in front of my face--and this sounds even crazier, but I don't think it is a hand at all. I try to wiggle my fingers but there's nothing to wiggle. I can't feel them, or my toes either. And not just because it's freaking cold up here. Maybe I should back up a little. (Not literally. I might just fall off the edge of...whatever I'm standing on.) Some drunk idiot crashed into my car today. A vintage ‘Vette. That would be enough to piss me off, but I was also in the car at the time. I don't know how bad I was hurt but it felt like hell. I was still conscious but couldn't really move, so I just lay there in the back of the ambulance. The medic asked me some questions, and I guess that was the first time I realized there wasn't much to tell about me: I'm Jay. I'm 37, divorced, and I smoke. I played football when I was younger but never made it to the pros, so I'm an assistant coach at my old high school. People tell me I'm kind of a rough guy. Just because I say what I think and don't drink lite beer, I guess. It's only when your life flashes before your eyes that you realize how little it boils down to. In my case...I had a dream and didn't accomplish it, wasn't much of a husband, never got to be a father and since then I've just been killing time. They took me straight to the hospital. A doctor said I needed surgery so they gave me some anesthetic... and that's all I remember. Now I'm here. Cold as hell, can't see, there's a thin coat of fur all over my body, my legs feel all wrong and I can't stand on them anymore, there are two weird little things on my back, my spine is out of whack and did I mention it ends in a tail? Because it does. I'm freaked out right now and I can't freaking SEE and it's freaking COLD up here and... Well, enough of that. I've been lying here freaked out for the last hour and am just starting to pull myself together--but what "self" is it? Sure ain't my old one. "This sucks," I say shakily. See? I don't even sound like myself. I sound like a little girl. A really sad little girl. First thing I said when I found myself here was "help" and that voice startled me so bad I didn't finish the word. At least I've still got my smokes. Yep. That's the one thing telling me I haven't gone insane. I can even feel the embossed logo on the front of the box. I found them lying in front of me when I was groping around. Thank God for that because I've never needed a cigarette more than I do right now. I have to use my teeth to get one of them out, but I manage. Now I have to light it...and hey, that reminds me, wait 'til you see this trick. Found out how to do it the first time I stomped on the ground, or whatever it is I'm sitting on. I drive my...hand, hoof, whichever--I drive it down really hard and hear a sizzling noise. Just like that, the cigarette in my mouth is lit! Electricity? It smells like it. I don't really care as long as it works and doesn’t kill me. I wish something else of mine were here. Like my phone, or my clothes, or my wallet...but if this isn't real then I guess it doesn't matter. I take the first drag and right away I start coughing so hard it brings tears to my eyes. Yuck! Jesus. What’s that all about? I’ve been using these for 25 years, and you’d think it was my first time or something! I spit it out, still gagging as a funny thought takes shape in my mind: maybe I’m not me. Maybe this isn’t my body at all. But then whose is it? Whoever it is, they’re blind, they weigh less than my dog, they have no hands, they can’t handle a cig, and they have two really weird…things on their back. I’ve been wondering about those too. Move one; nothing happens. Move the other; nothing happens. Move both; guess what, nothing happens. Move both harder…and my heart jumps into my throat and I make the most embarrassing squeaking noise ever, ‘cause for a split second there I didn't feel anything under my feet. “H-holy shit,” I choke out in that same high, girlish voice. “Wings, too. I’ve got wings.” I flap them again real slowly, stretch them out to the side so I can reach up and feel them. They're all feathery and ticklish. Yep. I have wings, and come to think of it, this thing I'm standing on is how I always imagined clouds must feel: like cotton candy but thicker and...hold on a second while I try it...not sweet. Or maybe that cig just killed my taste buds. “I’m dead, aren't I? That’s it. I’m an angel or something,” I ride out another coughing fit and try to deepen my voice. “…Dammit, me, stop talking like a kid in a Lifetime movie.” So if that drunk driver killed me after all and this is heaven, where’s God? Why can’t I see? And why is it so freaking cold up here? I touch my hair, which is not my hair at all. Way too long and soft, like a woman's. I stick the cigarette pack in there. It stays. That's nifty. Suddenly my ears perk up and the feathers on my wings go all stiff. My tail is sticking out too, and I can't tell you how wrong that feels. Something is going to happen. I'm turning my head from side to side, as if that's going to help me at all, when I hear it. "...AwwwwwWWWWW YEEEEEAAAAAHHH!" The voice reaches me from a distance, then it's HERE and there's a huge gust of wind right above me, so powerful that it sweeps me right off my feet. I'm rolling helplessly across the cloud...and then the cloud's not there anymore. I'm falling. Today just keeps getting better.