//------------------------------// // The Toidise and the Hare // Story: The Marvelous Adventures of Princess Fartsock: Sad Tales for Naughty Children // by KitsuneRisu //------------------------------// “Princess Celestia,” Twilight said, “what are we learning today?” It was a beautiful day in the castle, full of sparkly sun-dew-drops and prancing spiders. “Today, we learn how to repeal the law of gravity,” Celestia said. Twilight nearly choked on her own spittle. “But that would be magic!” “Yes, we do that, you know,” Celestia said. “Oh, yeah!” Twilight gasped. She had forgotten. “Would the both of you please keep it down?” Luna clamoured from the darkened corner. “I’m trying to finish my thesis.” Celestia and Twilight turned to stare, their eyes bulging out of their heads, veins exploding at the amount of chagrin they were sending Luna’s way. “Tell me a story,” Twilight asked, “Now that we are done with defying the laws of physics.” “Oh, yes!” Celestia said, pulling out a plastic bag. “Here. This is the next tale.” “What’s this for?” Twilight asked. “Put it over your head and hold it tight. Once the colours come, so shall the story.” Twilight nodded, slipping the baggie around her face. “Smellsh liek smeghenss...” Twilight grottled, as she slipped into the Rainbow Fun World. In the wonderful far-off world of Tressabelle lived a precious party princess by the name of Princess Earnest. She was the most honest, most lovely, most kindessess, and most visually engaging princess Equestria had ever seen. However, she died in the 1394 War of the Beavers and her bones were built into the Great Crosshatch Castle by William P. Smythington of Beaverville (Motto: 'Shut Up and Dam') and therefore this story is about some other, more alive Princess. This story is about Princess Fartsock of Beanlandia, the most wafting of all the Princesses. One day, as Princess Fartsock was staring down at the tops of ponies and considering a better way of looking at her peoples, she was glad to receive a guest from a faraway land, a land only known to her by name, by sight, and by the fact that she had been there before once or twice. The toidise was announced and was brought up to the parlour, where the two of them conversed in front of a large fire. “Ey, darlin’,” the toidise said. “How you doin’?” “I am doing fine, my dear tortoise,” Fartsock said. “Naw, princess. I ain’t a tortoise. I’m a toidise. I’m from Manehattan,” the toidise said. “Oh, I beg your pardon,” Fartsock apologized. “But your kind all look the same to me.” “Eh, dat’s okay.” The toidise shrugged. Somehow. “Racist. But okay.” “Would you care for a Lesbian Cookie?” Princess Fartsock offered, for she was polite. “It is fresh from the Great Sundertwunks of Lesba, mined directly from their largest Scump Mine. I have it brought in on the backs of minimum-wage pegasi.” “Naw, it’s okay. I alreddy ate,” the toidise said. “I do so love a lesbian,” Fartsock commented, nibbling on the tip of a fresh brown scrumpet. “Ehhh… okay, princess. Anyways, I gotta request ta make of ya.” “A request or a… request?” “Normal kind, Princess. I ain’t here on Manehattan business.” “Very well. Then I shall hear you. Please, let me hear what you have to say.” “So, I gots this race comin’ up, right?” the toidise explained. “It’s like, some nobuddy rabbit comes up to my turf, right?” “I do so hate turfing rabbits,” Fartsock interjected. “Sos I tells him to gets out, right? And he says he ain’t gonna gets out unless I can catch him first, right?” “Yes.” “Sos me and my boys, we’s scurryin’ around, but we ain’t gonna catch him, ‘cuz he’s a damn rabbit, yeah? And we’s is all toidises, yeah?” “Yes.” “So I gets me my nail-gun, right?” “Enough exposition!” Princess Fartsock roared. “Tell me what you would have me do!” “I want you ta fix the race, Princess. You know.” “Are you asking me,” Princess Fartsock gasped, on a rare occasion where she took air in, “to indulge in dishonesties?” “Naw, Princess. Just the one dishonesty.” “Then I will do it,” Fartsock hissed through gritted teeth, picking the toidise up and pushing her face against his. ~ The race had been set up in a field somewhere far away, far from prying eyes, in a place where no-one could be witness to shady dealings. The rabbit was a surly sort, indulging in the finest berries and drinking the best champagne – two of the best things that nature had to offer, confident in his ability to win the race. “I’m actually a hare!” he declared. The hare was a surly sort, indulging in the finest berries and drinking the best champagne – two of the best things that nature had to offer, confident in his ability to win the race. The toidise stood idly by, drinking a fresh spring energy drink and preparing for the race by doing some light stretching, which is always a good idea before any long stretches of physical activity. The energy drink wreaked havoc on his liver. “Owwww, my kidneys,” the toidise moaned. “Haha! I will win this race!” the rabbit declared. But what he did not realise was that this was part of the toidise’s cunning ruse, for the energy drink was, in reality, nothing more than herbal chai yerba mate, and the light stretching was, in reality, a power nap. “Haha!” the rabbit repeated, completely fooled. But he did not have a single clue what was to be in store. The race started a few moments later, when the final Purple Finch fell off the tree, dead, and floated gently to the ground, for it was Autumn, and Autumn was a bitch like that. Instantly, the rabbit took off like a shot of fine whiskey and gravel, bounding down the marked race path and instantly gaining a three kilometer lead. Once he had reached two kilometers ahead of the start, he turned, gazing back over the barley and wheat, and instantly wondered why the race path wasn’t along the actual road that was a mere 200 meters to the left. “Hm,” he muttered. He could not even see the toidise at this distance; he was probably still at the start of the race, plodding along and shaking wildly with anger. “Haha,” the rabbit repeated once more. He had a limited vocabulary of interjections, for he was a mere rabbit. “Hello, rabbit,” came a voice to his left. He immediately swung right, and came face to face with the Princess Fartsock, all hail her glory and her wisdom. “Oh, heya, princess,” the rabbit said, who was by the way a hare, but I keep forgetting so whatever. “What’s up?” A strange green glow surrounded Princess Fartsock’s royal lav crown. “It is in your best interests to take a nap.” “But I gotta race t’ win, Princess,” the rabbit hare said. “Yo.” “Then you shall die!” Princess Fartsock proclaimed, as the glow intensified. The rabbit started to choke, grasping at his neck as a strange ether filled his lungs. It pushed out all the other air in his chest, depriving him of the necessary oxygens he needed to survive. “Hahahaha!” Princess Fartsock laughed. “Hahaha! I’m benevolent!” The rabbit soon choked to death on fart gas. His body collapsed to the floor, because people who die from asphyxiation work like that. Princess Fartsock leaned down, closer to the rabbit. “Do not worry, my little child,” she whispered, “for you are merely sleeping.” She wrapped the little corpse up in a swathe of lav paper, cradling him in her own two hooves. Soon, it started to snore, like a little dead baby. Placing it on the ground, she rolled the body through the corn, where it was finally lost amongst the stalks. “You shall wake up soon,” Princess Fartsock continued to speak for our benefit, “and you will have forgotten everything that happened here.” ~ Three hours later, the toidise finally arrived at the finishing line with a huge grin on his weird scaley face. “Ah,” he said, as he puddinged along. “I ain’t had no trubble. Seems like youse pulled through, Princess.” “I did indeed,” the Princess said, as she stood on the far side of the line, waiting for his glorious triumph. The toidise garumphed up to the princess. “Thank you, princess.” “Hyeeeaaaaggggghhhhh!” the Princess screamed, kicking the toidise in the nose. “Ough! My nobe!” the toidise cried. Princess Fartsock hopped over the line from the other side, taking a quick step back immediately. “I win, toidise!” she cried out, as the owl waved the checkered flag. “I win!” “Whadda toin of events!” the toidise gasped out. “I never saw it comin’!” “Now, Manehattan is finally mine! you will take your gang and move out by tomorrow!” “Can’t say I didn’t desoive it,” the toidise said. “We’ll be out tomoorah, Princess.” Princess Fartsock leaned down, smiling at the toidise over her sneaky brown eyes. “You know something?” “What?” “I learned an important lesson today,” Princess Fartsock said. “What’s that, Princess?” Twilight placed her cup of cherry coconut tea back onto the saucer. “That was an alarming, yet informative, tale, Princess Celestia.” “Yes, it was. Did you like it, Princess Luna?” Princess Celestia turned to the dark corner. “Shut up and leave me alone. These stories are incredibly dumb. Did the past thousand years addle your mind, my sister?” “Yes.” Princess Celestia nodded. “Yes.” “What ever happened to Manehattan?” Twilight asked. “She sold it to the donkeys.” Celestia smiled. “In all her wisdom.” “So that’s why you never see donkeys in Manehattan today!” Twilight perked up at the revelation. “Yes.” “Thank you for the story,” Princess Twilight said. “Can I have another?” “Be quiet, child.” Princess Celestia put her hoof into Twilight’s mouth. “You’re starting to annoy me.” Twilight smiled. Tomorrow was a new day.