I'm walking through the streets just before the night has fallen. That might not seem so strange, but the tear I wipe from my cheek seems to suggest otherwise.
It's stupid, I know where I should be, where I want to be, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know I should expect nothing but acceptance from my own marefriend because that's all she's ever been, accepting. Yet, there's some small part of me that doesn't entirely believe myself. I do have a tendency to ignore the things I tell myself.
I walk up to the castle, tilting my head to look up higher and at the upper floors. I almost want to go in, but I turn away. My place isn't in there, it's with Applejack on the farm.
My place.
What a joke, I don't have a place. Not since this cursed game started what seems like forever ago. Not since Discord decided I was perfect for what he had in mind. The worst part is, he was right. And he has continued to be right, excruciatingly and undeniably right.
I shake the thoughts away as I go farther from the castle, I don't need to think about discord. I need to figure out how I'm going to solve things between me and Applejack
And then there's the little voice mocking me, "solve things? You're the one that left." She says with a haughty laugh, and she's absolutely right. I ran when I should have stayed. I left her so suddenly, she's probably worried sick... or disgusted with me.
I halt as I come across a charred stump in town. A very large charred stump. I gasp as I realize what I've come across, it's the library. I step inside and look at the charred remains of various tomes and pieces of tree.
I venture deeper in and find some higher walls, giving a single space privacy from the outside. From the inside though, I find that I'm not alone in the building. There, curled against one of the mostly intact walls, is a purple alicorn shape. I tense as I realize she's very much awake and try to sneak out. My foot bumps a chunk of wood just large enough to make a loud clunk sound, I see Twilights head dart up. She wipes away a few stray tears with her fetlock and looks at me, I just turn to leave so she can have her privacy back.
"Please, don't go." I hear her call quietly from behind me, I hesitate in my retreat and slowly turn back to her. I sigh and relent, making my way back through the rubble. Twilight makes room for me and I sit beside her gratefully, listening to the ensuing tense silence.
"I come here often, usually it's late. I just sit here, but I'm usually alone." I listen as Twilight talks, I carefully note the hint of sorrow present in her voice. She turns to me, "but it feels too lonely, I've noticed. It's nice to have company. I'd ask Spike, but I think it might be too hard on him. I'd be asking too much of my friends to ask them to just come out here for no reason other than sit here, sit here and remember. The good times, and the bad. Maybe it's just luck that it happens to be you here, but with you I feel an odd connection. Like you know, you understand what I mean. Like you understand..." Twilight fades to silence for a second before looking to me hopefully. "Do you?" She asks.
"That's a complex question... but, I think I do." I respond quietly, but not so quiet she doesn't hear.
"Yeah, I guess it is... Sorry, just... I really miss it. The library. It was really the first home I remember. I mean, I lived in the castle, but I knew it wasn't a home. I was too young to appreciate my parents house; and by the time I knew what made a home, a home, it had lost that novelty." She says, wistfully. "Sometimes, if I'm really quiet, I can see the library. There's the door... the pile of books Spike hadn't quite put away yet... all the other books, perfectly aligned, on the shelves... there's Spike, dusting off the shelf that homes the pile of not-yet-put-away books... another empty shelf beside him with books from said shelf stacked neatly off to the side. All those shelves and shelves of books. Then there's owlowiscious perched on a window sill watching Spike work, and that pesky hive of bees just outside that would occasionally migrate indoor to terrorize anypony inside. All so peaceful, all so normal...".Twilight sighs contentedly. "But then I trace the vision up the stairs and see stars... that's when it all falls apart and I realize once again... it's gone. It's all gone. The books, the memories... my books, my memories. They were all a part of this library. No more homey upstairs bed, no more balcony to just stand out and look at the stars, no more annoying bees nest and all associated pesky bees... it's all just barren now, just a charred stump in the middle of town. Nopony will talk about Golden Oaks and how useful it is, they'll just talk about that annoying stump and how it's in the way." Twilight stamps a hoof for emphasis.
"Calm down, Twi." I say, running my hand down her back gently. Twilight sighs and leans into the motion, allowing herself a moment to cool down before continuing.
"It's just... not fair." She finishes.
I don't say anything. It's not that I have nothing to say, I have a whole lot I could say. A lot of things about how she's wrong, but I don't. Mostly because she knows, I can see it in the way she looks at everything. She doesn't believe a lot of what she's said, it's just emotion. She's letting out her feelings, rather than her honest thoughts on the matter.
She doesn't want someone to tell her she's wrong, she knows that, she just wants someone to be there and listen. She wants someone to know how she's feeling and what it means. She just wants someone who understands. Someone who understands that she doesn't want to converse or be consoled. She wants to mourn, but she doesn't want to do it alone anymore. Someone who understands that.
I understand.
We sit a long while in the comfortable silence that follows, until Twilight breaks it. "So what are you doing around here? Shouldn't you be back at the farm?" I flinch at that and she notices. She turns towards me fully and looks me in the eyes, "something happened, didn't it?" It's less of a question than a statement.
"Yeah... she found out one of my biggest secrets, but she couldn't understand it. She's trying, I know, but it hurt too much for me to stay..." I rub my arm guiltily.
"Your biggest secret? I guess it would be too much to ask what it is?" Twilight says.
"I wasn't born a female, I was born a male." I tell her, tensing up.
"What, so you were a guy before this?" Twilight guesses.
"Not exactly, I had the body of a male, but I technically identified as female." I explain.
"Oh... I can see how that could be hard for Applejack to comprehend." Twilight says in thought.
"She was trying hard, honest, but... I got emotional and split. Before it got too much." I tell her.
"Come on, it sounds like you need a mediator, someone to explain the issue. Somepony less affected and can explain it succinctly and simply." Twilight says, pulling me up.
"And that somepony is you?" I ask sarcastically.
"Precisely. Hurry up, we don't want to worry Applejack any further." Twilight says, I scramble to my feet.
"Oh, I don't think you need to worry about her." I stop as I hear that voice, one I've grown to loathe.
"Discord. Show yourself." Twilight demands.
"As if it'll do much good, but... if you insist." Discord materializes in front of us boredly.
"What do you want?" Twilight hisses.
"Oh, just to share a word with you before I get rid of this abomination once and for all." He says, breaking up a "WORD". "Here, I'm impartial to RD, but I'm sure you like her. I mean it." He smiles devilishly before biting into the W.
"What abomination?" Twilight asks.
"Everything! It's all so very bland, too harmonic. Not enough of my glorious chaos I expected from you humans. Especially you." He says, pointing a finger at me. "I can't even watch you most of the time, not much for chaos." He grumbles.
"I'm sorry to spoil your fun," I say, gritting my teeth.
"And you should be. No matter, I'm fixing it as we speak." He smiles devilishly.
"Fixing it? How so?" Twilight asks concernedly.
"I'm gonna restart this whole mess, the entire test. A clean slate!" He laughs. "See, I'm nothing if not a man with a plan! Unfortunately, I didn't foresee how much of a nuisance you could be... no matter, I had a contingency plan that, while at first, wasn't built to solve this problem... I configured it to work." He explains.
"What is that?" I ask.
"Patience, my dear Luka. It's quite the plan, and I want to be able to enjoy it before we all cease to be." He says.
"Cease to be?" Twilight gasps.
"I'll get there. Now, it wasn't easy. See, I needed you out of the picture, but killing you would be difficult. Don't think I didn't see what happened last time. That, and it wouldn't help me in the least. I don't need to add fuel to that fire Pixel has over Kaito. It would just ruin my plans. Then again, anything you do would ruin any plans I make. See, my intention was to let you possibly interfere because I thought I could stand having every plan fail... I'll admit I was wrong. Anyways, killing you was out!"
"Then I thought, you are the problem with this whole test! Therefore, if you aren't in the test..." he trails off and my eyes go wide.
"Then I'm not a problem. So, you're just gonna send me home?" I ask.
"Oh, my dear Luka. It's not that easy, you see. The damage you've caused is done! I can't change that. Not at this time, no we'd have to go back a little further. The only way is if you were exempt from this experiment in the first place!" He exclaims.
"You're gonna hard reset this experiment? But, next time you're gonna not send me an invite?" I ask.
"Mostly right, but I'm afraid it's a bit more complex! The past is not changed, non-negotiable. All events are locked in place by a little something called fate. All the Vocaloids are supposed to be in this experiment because fate commands them to. But you, you were interesting. As soon as I saw you, I had to have you participate. That decision is locked into fate and even if I go back to then everything would happen more or less the same way. You are the variable that can change things, but unless you know what to change you will act a certain way." Discord continues.
"Then let me refuse, send me back with enough memories to refuse the invitation. If I can change this, let me!" I plead.
"Still not so simple. See, you can't refuse. If you had said no, I would've worked another angle and things would have turned out a different bad. No, the only way is if you never interested me in the first place." He says, floating lazily through the air.
"You want to change me? Make me not me?" I ask in disbelief.
"No, I'm not a monster. See, I'm going to make it so you never were, since your the only one that can change fate directly, taking you out of the picture stops you from interfering in the first place. Of course, no one will remember you ever were. Not even me!" He laughs maniacally.
"W-what?!" Twilight asks.
"First you take my home, then my identity, now you want to take me away?" I whisper.
"Yes, so sad. But it won't hurt much longer. Soon you'll join that void you're so attuned to." Discord says. "Here, I'll even let you say goodbye." And with a snap, everybody was there. All the Vocaloids, even one I didn't know. All the ponies I know, even the princesses. "There, now we can restart this thing. Time to meet the void, Luka!" Discord cackles.
"Luka, what's happening?" I almost didn't hear the question as a sudden and very real possibility came to mind. I look to Applejack, then everyone else. All of them will still exist, they just won't remember anything. I can't stay though. I risk extinction, but Discord gave me some great advice.
"Ah, here we go, let's get started. Shall we?" Discord laughs as his eyes start to leak power. I can feel time distorting around us.
"Luka?" Applejack asks, my head snaps to her. I stare into her eyes miserably. All I had, I'm gonna lose. All because I'm too dangerous to keep alive. I said long ago if I was too dangerous that I would gladly allow myself to be destroyed. But now that I found out I am too dangerous? Will I allow myself to be destroyed?
No, I'm dangerous to Discord, which means I might be able to help. I need a second chance, I need salvation. I shake my head at Applejack, slowly and with tears welling. I detach myself from reality. Before depersonalization can occur I make sure to say one thing I'm sure she heard.
"I'm Sorry."
As I floated out of reality I felt myself forcefully detached from the inside out, feeling Discords power engulfing the reality. I find myself beside a bright, almost starlike light. I watch as it collapses in on itself, tears threatening to brim. Then I find the light exploding back into being, though it looked younger... somehow.
I stare at the light for a long while. Then, I steel my resolve and take a deep breath.
"Okay, time for take two." I brace myself as I reach into the light.