I walked towards the main castle hall. A crowd of ponies, a few of which I recognized, were standing in a large line near the edge of the main floor. Shining Armor turned to look at me. I nodded at him. "Sup?" A loud chanting ow flittered past the wall of ponies as Celestia's mane zipped past. "Whoa...what happened?"
Shining looked back as Celestia took a curve and started zipping along towards the way she came. "Celestia has a tick...on the base of her tail."
"Hmm." I dug my hands out of my pockets and rubbed my chin. "And?"
Shining huffed and turned around as Celestia did another pass. "She won't let anypony get it out, and she cant get it out herself."
I walked up next to him and started pushing my way into the front of the crowd. "Well what's she doin-- Oh wow." I watched as Celestia dragged her ass across the main hall floor like a dog. Her back legs were hung up in the air while she paddled herself down the hall with her forelegs. "Wow...and that's my girlfriend...." I licked my lips and looked down at the floor. "Wow, like a dog man."
Celestia's eyes were jammed shut, her tail was dragging over the floor and her head was pointed straight up as she chanted. "Ow ow ow ow ow owwie!" She scooted past me, not even bothering to say anything as she tried to clear her ass of the tick. "Ow-owowow!"
I turned to look at Shining armor. "Has anyone tried to get it out?"
Shining nodded slowly. "She kicked a servant in the mouth when they tried to pull it out."
"On purpo--"
"No, not on purpose!" Shining jutted his head towards me. "Why would you say that!?"
I shrugged and watched as she took another lap, up to her throne and back down the hall to the doors. "Because right now, my mare--"
"She's not your mare. You're her...whatever you are." Shining waggled his hoof at me. "Don't act like you own--"
I stared down at Shining. "Its a fucking phrase you ass nickle. But she is acting like a dog okay? Shit is weird already." I put my hands on my hips. "Can you go find me some tweezers and a matchbook?"
Shining cocked his head. "Matchbook--"
"Trust me?" I pointed to Celestia as she started whimpering and dragged past. "We don't really have time to argue."
Shining shook his head. His mane shook out against my thigh. "I don't think this is a good idea."
I shrugged. "I don't think the sun goddess should be acting like a dog. Now are you gonna go get what I need, or are we gonna watch this all day?"
Shining sighed heavily and lowered his head. "I'll get the stuff." He plodded off and bumped into Luna as she started walking towards me.
"Able...son of.... I don't know where you're from." She rubbed her frazzled head and snorted back some snot. "What's going on?" She flicked her tail, sending a few stray hairs into the air. "So much noise."
I shrugged and pointed to Celestia. "She's got a tick on the underside of her tail. Probably right next to her asshole." I scratched the base of my spine. "Probably hurts pretty--pretty--pretty bad."
Luna rubbed her eyes and stretched her neck. "Again? This happened before I was ban--" Her neck popped loudly.
"Nice."
"Thank you." She stretched the other way and settled herself. "But this happened just before I was banished, she got a tick and the guard had to pin her to the ground while somepony pulled it out."
I huffed. "Well you feel like powerslamming your sister?"
Luna stared down at me, burning a hole into my right eye. "Yes...."
"Perfect. Fucking give her the floor." I held my arm out and pushed a few ponies aside. "Royal bodyslam, do it mare."
Luna took a deep breath and waited for Celestia to line up with her clearing. Celestia scooted into her path and caught a body check to the withers. "Whoa shit!" I held my arms up. "Holy crap, that was like a linebacker!" I laughed as Luna and Celestia tumbled into one of the pillars. The foundation shook as ponies bolted away. "Oh my god, fucking kill her!"
Shining ran back over and skidded to a stop at my side. "What happened!? I left for five minutes!"
"Royal wrestling." I stuck my hand out and felt him press the matches and the tweezers into it. "Sun verses sleepless moon." I got ready and walked out into the center of the hall. Celestia was screaming her head off as she was pressed against the ground.
"Luna, I will send you to the moon again if you don't get off!" She clenched her teeth and tried to push upright. "Luna! It itches so damned bad, now get off and call the guard!"
I walked around behind the mares and got ready. "Holy crap, you're like a baby." I struck a match and held it on the tweezers. "Luna, hold her still."
Celestia started screaming as Luna pinned her legs. "Rape! They're raping your princess, stop them! Stop them!"
I ducked down and ate the match. I got a slight burn but the tweazers were ready. I grabbed the base of Celestia's tail and yanked it upright. "Stop whining. You're the leader of a nation, now act like it!" I spotted a large black tick right on the inner curve of the base of her tail. "Oh man, that's in in there good." It was wedged right in the deepest part of her dock, and right above the small area where her tail met the rest of her. "Oh Jesus, that's rough."
"Able I'm going to drown you in your sleep if you touch me!" Celestia tried to kick her legs out, but Luna was standing dead on each of her hooves. "Able stop it! Stop!"
I forced her tail up and carefully brought the tweezers towards her tail. "Don't move."
"Able stop it! I'll kill every human in Equestria if you don't let me go!" She growled a high pitch growl and struggled. "I will explode the sun!"
"No you wont." I touched the tip of the tick, causing it to wiggle. "Just hold still."
Celestia held her breath and stopped moving. I managed to grab the base of the tick and gave it a slow pull. I could see the muscles in her leg start to tighten as I pulled the tick out of her. "Luna she's gonna try and kick me when I let go--"
"I'm not!" Celestia shrieked, her forelegs scraped against the ground as she moved. "You don't know me!"
"Such a baby." I plucked the tick away and crushed it between the tweezers. A tiny orangish globual dripped out. "Eugh...." I rolled backwards and got upright. "Done, that's all." I tossed the tick into a planter and watched as Luna tried to let go.
Celestia sprang upright and sprinted away. Luna stumbled sideways and slid across the castle floor. "Buck fuck shit!" Celestia ran to the throne and to the door. "Ow! Mother-- ow!" She slowed to a high gait and walked back towards me. "Able I hate you!"
I shrugged. "Everyone else does. You act like its special."
Celestia huffed and puffed while Luna got back onto all fours. She shook her head and fixed her mane. "I'm going to go back to sleep. Enjoy your day." She nodded curtly and headed off.
Celestia took one more lap before popping her tail up and walking up to me. She glared at me. "You're an ass."
"You want a bandage?"
Celestia whimpered and looked back at her tail. "It really really itches, really bad."
I nodded. "I'll go get a bandage--"
"And a pillow...throne pillow please." She shook her body and looked around the castle hall. "...Back to court everypony.... Sorry, sorry about that. Court is back in session...."
I looked out the window, the sun felt lower than normal. "Uh, you might want to fix the sun, seems like you skipped a few hours--"
Celestia popped upright and turned to me. "Able's right! Call it a day, we'll call today a mulligan and get some rest, try it again tomorrow." She lit up her horn and the sun zipped over to the west. The world grew a bit reddish as she set the sun at one PM. "Sorry everypony, false start! Tell my subjects! Couriers, criers...take care of this."
She trotted up to me and swept her wing behind me. "Able, tell nopony about this--"
"I don't need to. You did this in public."
Celestia swatted my ass with her wing. "Lies, slander and lies!" She swatted my ass again. "Now run a bath...my ass hurts so bad, I just wanna float for a while."
I looked up at her as I plodded along. "You control the sun...remember that. You are arguably one of the most important ponies on the planet...but you just ran around your castle like a dog with shit stuck to it tail." I nodded at her and stepped away from her wing. "All because of a tick--"
"Did you see where it was?!" Celestia swung around and bashed a maid with her flank. "Let me put something itchy and sharp right on your spine, see how you like it!"
I shook my head. "I don't control the sun--"
"You want to!? You wanna switch jobs for a while!? I could do what you do, I could yell at ponies and sit around all day, no problem!" Celestia stomped her hoof. "My day has been hard okay! And I can't--"
"You want me to go get that bandage or what?"
Celestia opened her mouth and let out a whimper. "Please...." She scratched the floor with her foreleg. "It really hurts."
"I'm sure. But you're acting like a baby." I turned to the hall deeper into the castle. Luna was standing just before me, eyes with the look of death about them. "Whoa...shit."
Luna slowly put a hoof on my upper arm and moved me away. "Where'd the sun go?"