Dear Princess Lunchtime,
The peppermint disk enclosed with your letter was appreciated. Not quite as much as the stipend that I asked for would have been, but it did help to freshen my breath when I presented your request for a discounted rate to the hotel manager. He… how do I put this? He struggled to see that the “Ask About Our Lunch Special!” sticker that you put on your last letter was truly a Seal of Royal Decree. He said that Celestia’s official stamp has iridescent ink that sparkles.
And he also said that he’s never heard of you.
Well, I gave him a peppermint-scented tongue lashing for that! I told him all about how you’ve been held down and forgotten by history. The alicorn princess of midday, reigning over meals on the go and trips to the bank and then maybe over to the dry-cleaners before you have to go back to work. The lobby fell silent around us while I educated him on Celestia’s inclusion of your royal ponyage as Equestria’s fifth sovereign.
I could tell the magic of lunchtime finally reached him because he pulled me into a corner and told me that he’d give me a fifteen percent discount if I’d just stop shouting so much. Several guests had stopped to listen, but they trotted off in a hurry when I came over to see if they had any questions. That’s the thing with lunchtime. It’s so short that everypony is always on the run.
I tried going to the Culinary Repository today, but this city has confusing streets. Like I said last time, I can see the Whisk Wing from my room, but I got turned around somehow when I was trying to get there. After a few hours, I was so frustrated that I wanted to cry.
But then you wouldn’t believe what happened! I was in the lobby of this skyscraper trying to get the security guard to tell me where I was. I kept saying that I was looking for NE 34th St. and he kept saying that this was 34th St., NE. I kept telling him that it amounted to the same thing, and he kept saying that it didn’t. It ended up with a lot of shouting, which seems to be a thing here.
Anyway, this guard was on his walkie-talkie calling for more security when I saw it! Off in an alcove, there was a vending machine, with a bunch of angry ponies around. They were kicking it and pushing that change return button over and over because the chips and candy bars were all stuck. But then this grey pegasus trotted up and told them all to back off. He kind of eyed the machine for a minute, and then he just gently tapped it. And guess what happened!
The magic of lunchtime happened! All of the items just dropped into the receptacle, and the ponies all cheered! Well, I knew right then that this stallion must be one of the Elements, and I trotted right over to talk to him. Turns out that was a good move because all these security guards just showed up, and they were trying to get me to leave.
I marched right up and told that stallion that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was The Element of Getting A Quick Bite Out Of A Vending Machine So That You Don’t Really Have To Leave Your Desk And Stop Working On That Really Important Thing. He just blinked a few times before telling me that was quite a mouthful, which I told him was pretty funny since he represented something that wasn’t really that much of a meal.
It sounded a lot funnier in my head.
I showed him your royal decree and told him to drop everything because he’s needed. He kind of blinked a bunch again. It’s something with that guy. He blinks. Lots of standing and blinking. I guess he communicates with vending machines better than with ponies.
But I’m writing because I think I’m going to need a better decree. I hate to ask, but he kind of blew me off when he was done with all the blinking. He said that he can’t just quit his job and go running around talking about lunch. I asked him why that is, and he just started blinking again. I did get a brow furrow, though. I called it progress. But I think if maybe you just send him a letter explaining why this is so important, he might come around. Maybe I’m just not royal enough.
And I hate to be a pest, but did that Little Sword That Holds The Sandwich Together Tax bring in any revenue? Even with my fifteen percent discount, I’m running a little low. It’s hard to spread the word about the importance of lunchtime when you’re eating instant noodles.
Your faithful student,
Poppyseed