Celestia stared up at the horrible monstrosity. Standing on two legs, the tall freak of nature loomed over every pony. Even Celestia herself only came up to its shoulders. Its arms and legs were both shackled to the dungeon wall, restricting its movement to the several yards of slack it had. Standing behind Celestia just inside the jail cell were two trained guards, both standing sharply at attention.
When this foul creature had first arrived in Equestria, it had incited riots, pandemonium, and destruction. Houses had been burnt to the ground, ponies fought each other verbally and physically, and chaos and panic reigned supreme.
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Conrad "Anonymous" Faust stepped onto the main road and addressed the nearest pony he saw. "It's a pleasant day we have here today, don't you think?"
"OH GOD, WHAT IS IT?! AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!"
The pony ran away from Conrad in terror, yelling non-stop. Conrad shrugged and walked on.
"The sad part is," Conrad said to himself, "that's not even the worst reaction I've gotten."
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It had taken Celestia several weeks to follow the trail of chaos and destruction that followed in the creature's wake. Finally she found the monster deep in the Verdant Groves. The confrontation was epic, pitting Celestia, the paragon of purity and order, against this travelling nexus of evil and destruction. It had taken hours- no, days! It had taken days of fighting, but eventually Celestia's superior strength of magic and resolve overcame the monster's defenses and she managed to bind him with arcane magics from the beginning of time itself.
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"CEASE AND DESIST, FOUL CREATURE!"
"Okay."
"Quickly, while he's distracted! Get him!"
Four armed guards jumped out of the shrubberies and tied Conrad up in a matter of seconds, binding him from head to foot in ropes.
"Huzzah!" Celestia cried, and the guards celebrated with her.
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Ever since that epic encounter, the monster had been housed in the deepest, darkest jail cell in all of Canterlot. For the last century and a half he was kept prisoner there, his very existence a state secret that almost no pony knew about.
Celestia stood inside the jail cell with this... human, scrutinizing it carefully. Its bland smile revealed nothing of what dark, terrible secrets took place beneath his twisted facade. It was truly a savage monster.
And yet, Celestia had to know. Three times, the monster had predicted future events. The most recent of these, The Cake Incident*, still weighed heavily on her mind.
*The castle baker forgot to make her weekly cake. This occurred over a year ago and Celestia was still traumatized. Fortunately, her alicorn constitution allowed her to shake off mental traumas that would have crippled a lesser mind.
Celestia was the ruler of the entire country. She absolutely could not afford to let her ponies suffer under her watch. She would take any advantage she could get, even if it meant dealing with this demon. And yet, what traps did he lay with his honeyed words? What vile web was he weaving, to trap an unwary ruler into her own downfall?
"Hi," Conrad said cheerfully.
"You monster!" she snarled. "You know why I'm here! What do you want from me this time? Speak! What horrible payment shall you demand in exchange for your poisoned knowledge?"
"Oh gosh, I don't know," Conrad said. "Maybe some toys to play with, or something? I mean, I don't really need them because I've come up with this great game where I pretend that the bricks in the walls are platforms seen from the side, and then I imagine a little man running across them and jumping over them, like a tiny Mario, but it would be nice if I had some props or something to play with."
Celestia turned away in agony. Of course he would play on my sympathies, making himself seem weak and vulnerable. Stay strong, Celestia! He's just playing you for a fool.
Celestia turned back towards Conrad. "I will see what I can do," she said. "Now, tell me of the future."
"Oh, the future? Well, I guess you might... um... trip... and hurt yourself if you don't watch where you go. That happened to my Aunt Bernice one time. She wasn't looking where she was going and took a nasty spill. I was afraid something bad happened to her, but she just put some ice on it and was mostly okay. Of course, she was later eaten by a bear, but I'm pretty sure the two events were unrelated."
Celestia drew a breath in sharply.
"Tell me," she said, "does this also apply to castle stairways? Is it possible that I could hurt myself on that one stair that always wobbles when I step on it on the fourth floor of the north tower?
"Well, yeah. I guess it could. Especially if you aren't paying attention where you go."
Celestia fell to her knees. "I knew it!" she cried. "Oh cursed stair, your hour of triumph is at hand!"
Conrad shrugged. "It really shouldn't be a big deal, especially if you pay attention to where you step."
Celestia didn't hear him, lost in her own thoughts of future catastrophe.
After a while, Conrad started singing musical tones to keep himself occupied.
"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."
"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."
And then, in a lower tone,
"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."
"Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo."
"Deedly dum, dun, dun, bum, bum, bum, bum-biddly-iddly bum, bum-bum-bum-bum-bum."
"CEASE YOUR INFERNAL MUSIC!" Celestia screamed, jumping to her hooves. "You won't be able to take control of my mind like that! I am immune to your unearthly powers of mind-bending!"
"Okay," Conrad said.
"Leave this room! Leave it at once and never bother me again!" Celestia yelled, having temporarily forgotten that he was supposed to be her prisoner.
"Okay."
Conrad yanked at the chains binding him to the wall, shattering them effortlessly. Celestia and her two guards stared at Conrad in shock and horror.
"Code Red!" yelled one of the guards. "Code Red! The prisoner is loose!"
Celestia sprang out of the cell, followed shortly by the guard that had called the code red. The other guard stood staring at Conrad, his jaw moving up and down in mute horror.
There was the sound of a grinding lever, followed by the doonk-doonk-doonk-doonk of gears turning and chains slowly moving. A large metal wall was being lowered into place. The remaining guard sprinted to get to the slowly-lowering door, but tripped over his own hooves and landed short of the gate.
"Noooooooooo!" he yelled. "Don't leave me in here with this monster!"
The metal wall still had several feet left of clearance, and the guard could easily have gotten up and jumped through the portal to safety, but for some reason he didn't do this. Instead, he started bawling.
"Please don't!" he yelled between sobs. "I have a wife and three kids!"
A voice from the other side yelled in response, "Really?"
"Well, no. But I could have one if I survive, and to do that you can't leave me in here! He'll eat me! I just know he will!"
"I won't!" Conrad said.
"He'll grind my bones to make his bread! Please!"
"I don't do that," Conrad insisted.
"I'm sorry mate, but it's no use. Code Red had been called, and that means total lockdown. I'm sorry, mate. I truly am."
"Noooooooooo!"
The door still had about three feet of clearance.
"Nooooooooooo!"
doonk-doonk-doonk-doonk-SLAM!
The wall slammed shut, trapping the guard inside. The guard froze, then slowly turned to face Conrad, horror writ large upon the guard's face.
"Hello," Conrad said happily. "I normally spend time in here by myself, but would you like to play with me?"
The guard shrieked, turned around, and ran away from Conrad. Unfortunately he forgot he was facing a large metal wall, ran face-first into it, and knocked himself out.
"Okay, we'll play later."
...