//------------------------------// // Side story: The World is DOOMED!!...isn’t it? // Story: Friendship and Space Magic. What could go wrong? // by Redstargazer //------------------------------// Mount Kill’emaloto; the tallest formation on Equus. A terrifying stone sentinel painstakingly formed by Mother Nature over a course of millions of years. One look at it would lead many to assume she must have been working out some serious anger issues at the time. It was located within the heart of the Badlands; a patch of Faust-forsaken wasteland south of Equestria infamous for flesh-eating monsters and its sweltering plains. The base was surrounded by dense forest that blocked out sunlight and housed an assortment of gruesome horrors. Any adventurer that managed to get past that forest in one piece would then be faced with the intimidating sight of a sheer wall of unforgiving stone. If a punishment craving adventurer manages to make it past those servings of ‘Fool, you gonna die!’ on the buffet of pain? We come to desert: the frozen peaks. The very top is buried in fifteen feet of never melting snow and ice maintained by a perpetual blizzard that rages with enough force to rend flesh from bone. Daring Do herself was noted to have said quote ‘Any creature trying to climb that slope is stupid, crazy, or suicidal. If not all of the above.’ Therefore, it would be little surprise to any observer as to the identity of the speck currently scaling up its side. On a ridge in front of one of the few caves in the mountain side a metallic hand grasped the edge. With a desperate heave, the rest of the owner appeared as he pulled himself over and rolled onto his back where he lay trying to give his various systems a chance to recover from the stress of the climb up. Yes, despite the advanced tech and vast computing power, it was truly a miracle this little tin soldier made it past the obstacles this mountain threw at him. It was unlikely he would make it past the unseen horrors lying in wait in the cave systems ahead but, fortunately for our limited and thick skulled little drone, he had the support of a vastly superior, omnipotent, and incredibly handsome godlike being. Yes, a majestic an benevolent higher intelligence that bestowed a near endless amount of mercy and understanding on this little tin puppet despite the equally endless snark and stupid- “Oh for the love of you, SHUT UP!” Marauder Shields yelled from the frozen spot where he lay. “You’ve been monologuing ever since Canterlot.” My holosphere image blinked into existence beside Marauder’s still form. “Awww, don’t be like that, MS. Everybody loves a good commentary!” “‘Good’ being the operative word in that sentence, Jeff,” Marauder grunted as he stood and brushed the snow from his body. “Well, since you’re so desperate to talk despite my pleas, how about reminding me why we’re here.” “Well, as best as I remember Celly telling it we’re here to stop the resurgence of a super plague that was used by those Primal Elder God guys back during the war before Discord’s reign.” As I went into save the day orientation mode, Marauder and I made our way into the caves. The winding layout and lack of light would’ve posed a problem if it wasn’t for Marauder’s sharpened senses and the light produced from my hologram. “Since the disease was more of a spell than physical illness and it traveled along the ley lines that living things drew their magic from, they couldn’t treat it with normal methods. So, working together with Lulu and Dissy, they created a binding spell that sealed the disease away within the depths of the ley lines. Finishing the spell required a physical focus; the Black Sleep Orchid.” “What? You mean this shriveled old thing?” Marauder asked as he pulled out the blackened plant remains sent with them by Celestia. It originally had midnight blue petals with black swirls that were now missing and the firm stalk had shriveled up. “Yup. They had it in storage to make sure it was never damaged, thus releasing the plague back into the world, but it was found by the decedents of Primal God fanatics called the Order of Spine Chilling Horrifically Maiming Uber Callous Killers.” “I will never understand this world,” Marauder muttered as he shook his head disgustedly. “How could anyone, pony or otherwise, take a group called the Dark Order of S.C.H.M.U.C.K. seriously?” My holosphere bobbed in an approximation of a shrug. “Well, you know. Different cultures, lack of references, yadda yadda. Still, they were dangerous enough to get past the storage defenses and destroy the orchid in the first place. With the orchid trashed, the disease is loose on all living things in the world.” “Well, sucks to be organic then.” Our conversation was interrupted as a giant, apelike creature covered in white fur and sporting a couple of goat horns on its head jumped from a crevice and landed in front of us. It roared loud enough to vibrate the chamber before charging. Neither one of us took much heed as Marauder flicked a hand, wrapping the beast in a blue aura and sending it tumbling against the cave wall. It rose long enough to shake its head and look at us in fear before yelping as it retreated toward another tunnel. “There you go, MS,” I cried proudly. “See? With the powers at your platform’s disposal you can solve problems in other ways besides cutting arms off like with those last furry things.” “Meh. It was more satisfying my way.” He shrugged and we resumed our walk. “Anyhow, you were droning about the fate of the world?” “Ah, right thanks. As I was about to say, the only way to save the world from the Black Sleep is by restoring the focus.” “But our scans showed that this was the only flower of its kind so we can’t just grab a substitute.” “And that’s why Celly gave us the remains. So we could restore it using that.” I motioned to a pillar of light at the center of the cave camber we had just entered. Illuminated by the light was a simple gold ring sitting on a pedestal. “It’s the horn ring of Green Hoof the plant sage. Accroding to Celly, it can restore any plant to full life. All you have to do is touch the artifact to the dead plant and presto! By restoring the Orchid, the seal is back and the disease is simultaneously removed from every victim across the world.” “Well I’m sure we’re all looking forward to that little happy ending filled with parties and songs,” Marauder drawled sarcastically, “but that doesn’t answer my original question. What are we specifically doing here? We artificials aren’t affected and this little trip has been a big hassle. Why are we doing this?” “For the sake of Equestria and a limitless tab at Whinnies?” “Oh yeah,” Marauder muttered, “that.” Needing no further prompting, he marched up to the ring, picked it off of the pedestal, and touched it to the plant. At first nothing happened. Marauder looked back and shared a look of confusion with me before a green glow surrounded the plant. The glow faded leaving behind the Orchid in its former pristine condition. The mountain shook and the chamber went dark as clouds of black representing the disease flooded in to be absorbed by the flower. I looked around to make sure nothing else was going to happen before giving a satisfied nod. “Well, Celly said that would mean success. Mission accomplished, let’s head home.” I turned toward the cave entrance and waited for Marauder to come along. And waited. And waited a bit more. I looked back to see Marauder with his back turned to me as he held the artifacts and made no move. “Ummm. MS? This is where we leave. You know? Parties and songs happy ending? Shields?” His shoulders started shaking and I did a diagnostics on him only to find no explanation. “Uhhh. Shields?” A faint wheezing in time with his shaking started. That wheezing gradually increased to a chuckle and then an outright sadistic laugh as he lifted his head. “BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!” **** The ponies of Ponyville were dancing in the streets as they celebrated the departure of the dreaded Black sleep disease. A few minutes prior, they had been laying on pallets throughout the street surrounding the library effectively turning the town center into an impromptu quarantine zone as the hospital couldn’t handle the sheer numbers. Cries of pain, fear, and grief had filled the air as the entire town seemed to be facing a painful end- Only to find hope again as a black cloud manifested among them and tore away to the south leaving everypony completely cured. The Elements of Harmony, who had been acting as aides and inspiration for the town despite their own sickness, stood on the library balcony with smiles on their faces as the watched ponies dancing in the street. Seeing so much celebration without ‘the proper party necessities’ proved too much for Pinkie and she shot down the stairs and out the door where she yelled in joy along with the other ponies yelling things like “Whoo Hooo! Everypony get ready for the ‘The bad stuff is gone and we’re not doomed anymore’ party of the year!” Twilight simply rolled her eyes as Pinkies antics pulled a smile from her as always. “Well everypony, it looks like we’re in the clear and Jeff managed to pull it off.” “Psh. Yeah, for a change.” The bitter tone drew Twilight’s surprised gaze to Rainbow whose reveling expression quickly soured to annoyance at the mention of Jeff. “Now comeon sugar cube,” Applejack said from the prism pegasus’ left, “ya have ta admit he did good this time. Ya can’ just stay sore at ‘em just cause he one uped ya on some pranks.” “That’s right. He’s always ready to help and pull us from a dark place despite how he….um…despite his uhh.” Twilight looked nervously to the side as even her extensive vocabulary was struggling to come up with an accurate yet non-demeaning term to go with Jeff’s behavior. “Despite his eccentricities?” Rarity put in delicately. “Yes! Eccentricities! We’ll go with that!” Twilight agreed a little too eagerly. She turned back to address Rainbow, “And you have to admit, even with all of his odd tics, he never leave a friend hanging.” As Twilight had hoped, the borrowed quote managed to bring a smile to Rainbow who finally shrugged and sighed, “Okay. You’re right. I should probably pony up and admit he did good.” No sooner than the word left her mouth, a thunderous boom echoed through the skies and the black cloud swept through the streets. The ponies looked upon themselves in horror as black spots popped up on their skin again. Everything went deathly quiet until the silence was broken by a certain muli-colored pegasus muttering, “Why am I not surprised?” All at once, everypony started screaming and running through the streets in renewed panic. The only one calm in the masses was a scruffy traveler who smirked at the proceedings from where he sat on the side of the street near a sign he had carried everywhere that displayed the words ‘The end is near!’ along with a recent addition that said ‘See? Called it.’” Pinkie Pie had simply shrugged saying, “Ah well. Party’s postponed for impending doom. WE ALL GONNA DIIIE!” before dashing through the streets herself. “Twilight! What in tarnation is goin’ on?!” Applejack yelped as she watched the panic in the streets worriedly. “I-I don’t know!” Twilight said nervously as she shook her head in confusion. “Maybe something in the library might-” Twilight’s suggestion for yet more research was cut off as a second boom echoed and the black cloud formed from everypony and fled for the south as it had the first time. The crowd gave collective sigh of relief. Pinkie halted panic mid-scream and hopped in place, “Yay! Party back on!” “S-so does anypony know what happened,” Fluttershy inquired quietly. “Um. Maybe the cure had a, um, glitch?” Twilight shook her head, “My research was clear that the whole affair would be pretty cut and dry! Either it would work or it wouldn’t!” An instant later, thunder filled the air and the cloud returned bringing new panic along with it. Pinkie stood in the streets while ponies ran around her and she seemed to have an epiphany, “Oooh. Maybe it’s like the Red light Green light game! Only with doom! Hee hee. Doom on! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!” and with that, she shot off back into the fracas. “WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!” Twilight yelled frantically as several hairs in her mane chose then to pop out of place. **** The whole of Canterlot Castle seemed deserted. The halls were empty, the kitchens were quiet, and only a smaller contingent of guards was on duty patrolling the grounds. Due to the extreme stress caused by the diseases course as well as the odd happenings afterward, Celestia decided it was best that the castle staff be given the day off. To an extent, this applied to the guards as well by giving the majority leave and having a smaller group do runs in shorter shifts with those in reserve. Celestia only wished she could give herself leave. She currently sat on the throne in the petitioner’s chamber while Luna stood nearby as her time to change to the night was fast approaching. Despite her typical serene visage, Celestia was fighting desperately against a worsening migraine. Jeff and Marauder currently stood before her providing an explanation as to what led to what the papers dubbed the ‘Doom Flipping Incident.’ The only two souls in the room were a couple of guards standing at attention as the bottom of the dais. Both seemed to be dutifully staring ahead but she had long since come to suspect that the left had fallen asleep during Jeff’s report and was hiding it from learning how to sleep with his eyes open. For the past hour, Jeff had weaved a long winded tale of self-proclaimed heroism and suffering at the whims of a terrible ‘tech ghost’ that had possessed Marauder. He even went as far as to have Marauder give some halfhearted shudders at the memory of the ‘traumatizing experience’ he endured. Jeff wrapped up his account with a battle involving a thunder god riding a horned hammerhead shark. Tension rose in the room as everyone, minus one potentially wide-eyed asleep guardspony, awaited her final say on the matter. Celestia made her decision clear with one flat declaration. “Horseapples.” Everyone in the room jumped in surprise at the sun monarch’s use of pony profanity. Even the nodding off guard snorted as the swear managed to shock him into wakefulness with a muttered ‘Eh? Uh, drop the sandwich and…?’ Marauder simply huffed and facepalmed while Jeff actually went through with the whole shocked and indignant act. “Princess! I want nothing more than to put the citizens’ fears to rest and get past this terrible event! What makes you think I would make something up?!” “You mean aside from the Bill Shetland level acting?” Celestia retorted. “Hey!” She ignored the indignant, genuine this time, squawk and counted off reasons as she idly waved a hoof. “Firstly, it’s ridiculous to think I would believe it was a ghost. The last ghost died over six hundred years ago.” “Alas, dear Casper. Thou shalt be missed,” Luna lamented. “Secondly, there is no way I would believe the God of Thunder rode in on a horned hammerhead shark. For one thing, horned hammerhead sharks went extinct long before my sister ever went to the moon. For another, I happen to know the Thunder God and that he is violently allergic to fish.” Jeff shivered in place and might have been sweating bullets if he actually had a body. Marauder looked like he wouldn’t have cared either way. Jeff looked like he was working his nerve to speak again when Celestia held up an imperious hoof. “The truth this time, Jeff,” she said sternly, “the absolute, unfettered truth.” Jeff gave a put upon sigh and glanced nervously to the side. He looked Celestia in the eye, “You know those magic circuit light switches? The ones that let non unicorns control light settings without unicorn assistance?” Celestia blinked in surprise at the apparent change in topic. “Aye. But what does that have to do with-” “You know how some ponies like to kill time by flicking the switch on and off? Just, you know, watching the lights flicker.” She did indeed. In fact, shortly after they were invented, that very hobby became a form of private relaxation as she tried to get over Luna’s banishment. She had been so fascinated by the ingenious yet simple little contraption. Not that she would ever let anyone know. Especially not these two. She coughed delicately before answering, “Well. I know of such individuals of course. But I don’t see the connection…?...!” She looked into Jeff’s eyes who said nothing as he returned her stare calmly. “….You didn’t.” **** (Earlier that day at the peaks of Kill’emaloto) Marauder held the orchid in both hands above his head. “You pitiful worms! You miserable, slime trailing vermin thought that I would bow to your whims?!” he bellowed arrogantly. “FOOLISH PONIES!! TODAY, MARAUDER SHIELDS HERALDS YOUR DEMISE!!” Utilizing all of the strength in his synthetic muscles could muster, he hurled the flower to the ground smashing it and sending the cloud of Black Sleep back into the world. “You’re wrong traitor!” I stood in front of the megalomaniac who now sneered at my attempt to make a stand. “These ponies hold as spark! A spark of life that must never be extinguished. It will never be extinguished. Not as long as I stand as their champion! Behold! For the sake of Harmony!” I quickly sent a tendril of biotic energy toward the dead plant and brought it back to touch the ring. The moment they touched a green light sparked and the cloud came back into the restored orchid. “And thus life was saved! So says the savior Jeff!” Faster than one could blink, Marauder yanked the orchid from my grasp and smashed it down onto the ground. “And now it’s doomed!” “They live!” “They die!” “Phoenix down!” “Suck it life!” “Hey let me go now.” “Sorry, Jeff. No can do.” “Hey, come ooooon,” I wheedled at him. “You got to threaten all life twelve times already! Let someone else have a go at the death flower!” “You don’t match the qualifications to threaten life.” “What qualifications!! We’re holding the fricken McGuffins of life and death!!” “It’s all about style, Jeff. I properly look the part of a proper doom bringer. You on the other hand, don’t,” he drawled contemptuously as he gestured to me. “Hey I’m plenty scary! I’m a two kilometer tall death bot with super lasers!” “Really?” Marauder asked as he looked back and forth in confusion before looking back at me. “Because all see is an obnoxious ball of light that looks like he belongs in a Disney sing-a-long video.” “Hey, come ooooon.,” I cried as I bounced in place. “Please? Pretty please? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-” “Tell you what,” Marauder offered as he idly twirled the life ending flower in his other hand, “we play rock paper scissors. You win and the next turn is yours. I win and I get five more rounds first. Deal?” “Deal!” We both readied ourselves and counted to three. On three, I created a holographic paper while Marauder made a scissors gesture. “Grrrrrr. Dang it, Shields. How do you keep beating me?!” “You do remember I’m part of your head, right? If you don’t actively block me, I can see pretty much anything you try.” “….” “….” “…DANG IT!!” “Aw look on the bright side, Jeff,” Marauder said in a mock consoling tone, “five more turns and you get to go.” I huffed and looked to the side. “Alriiiiight.” **** By the end of Jeff’s retelling, the throne room had gone deathly quiet. A well trained eye would have spotted a slight shiver from the guards as their fight or flight instincts desperately warned them to run from the growing sense of danger sitting on the throne behind them. The quiet was broken as Celestia took a breath and spoke in a deceptive calm, “So…just to be absolutely clear. You took items of life and death and reduced them to a light switch-” “Actually,” Jeff interrupted despite Marauder’s not so subtle warnings, “I prefer to think of it more like the clapper. That way it has its own catchy jingle. You know ‘Doom on~ Doom off~ The Doomer~!” he sang out. “Right,” Celestia acknowledged through gritted teeth. “Anyway, you treated them like a game-” “Yahtzee!” “-and that is why this flickering has continue to panic the kingdom. For the last. Eight. Hours?!” Jeff shared a quick look with Marauder before glancing back and nodding, “Eeyep. I’d say that little summary covers it rather nicely, Princess!” Celestia went stock still: her mane, her muscles, even her breathing seemed to freeze. It looked like someone made and painted perfect statue in her likeness and placed it on the throne. Luna glanced nervously at her sister as she remembered the last time Celestia reacted this way. It was several hundred years before the Nightmare Moon incident when they found out one of their ‘loyal supporters’ was planning to betray the kingdom. And also that he planned on ‘making her royal cake plot his little whorse’ after the coup. With memories of the resulting carnage now fresh in her mind, Luna began slowly inching away from the throne hoping she wouldn’t draw attention to herself. “RAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHH!!!” Celestia’s yell of fury shook the foundations of the castle. Her rainbow mane and tale turned into massive orange flares that immediately scorched the throne and sections of the wall behind her. Her eyes became blazing infernos and sections of her own white coat began to give off smoke as they darkened from white to charcoal black. The two guards, prided on being grizzeled veterans from skirmishes in the badlands, screamed like fillies at the sight and bolted out the door. And Jeff? While Marauder seemed to have the presence of mind to prepare for a hasty retreat, Jeff actually stared blankly at the display. He made the gesture of clearing his throat before calmly asking, “Soooo. I feel like I’m sensing some hostility in the room?” Marauder facepalmed so hard that a clang could be heard over the din of Celestia’s fury. “Honestly, I still have problems reading you, what with the whole ‘stoic serene ruler of serenity’ thing. You think maybe you could give a signal or gesture or verbal cue or-” “GET!!! OUT!!!!” “That’ll work!” Jeff turned quickly to Marauder and barked, “Marauder Shields! Command line LT 2XR! Execute!” With that, he disappeared leaving Marauder with the new command. Marauder slumped his shoulders and shook his head. “The things I do for my creator,” he sighed. He turned toward Celestia and blew a raspberry before hopping up and catching himself midair. He then stiffened his body, wiggled his feet, and yelped, “Meep meep,” before shooting away in a streak of blue light. The light only just faded when Celestia reduced the section of marble floor he had been on to a molten puddle. It was an hour later before the sun monarch managed to calm herself to a safer condition for those around her. The room was still pretty damaged but it was tolerable to the point that Luna could comfortably stand near and listen as her sister ranted without smothering overmuch from the brimstone smell. “I can’t believe him!” Celestia fumed as she paced back and forth over the remains of the throne, “He turned two artifacts into a…a…source of amusement! I mean, yes, he made sure nopony and no one was hurt but still, WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?” “Indeed, sister. Tis a question for the ages,” Luna muttered tiredly as she nodded while keeping an eye on her sister incase the time came to run. “He may have been old, alone, and bored to tears but that is no excuse! Look at us!” Celestia yelled. “We may not be quite as old but we know the sting of long life! There are plenty of nobles, dignitaries, and other arrogant sorts that we would love to take down a few pegs but we’ve resisted! There have been plenty of times we could have worked out our frustrations in a childish prank but-” “Perhaps the two of us should have a go at the 'Doomer', sister?” Luna suggested timidly. That question stopped Celestia in her tracks. She turned slowly, ever so slowly, to face Luna with a blank stare. Luna calmly returned the stare and both sisters sat there regarding each other in uncomfortable silence. Luna kept her indifferent stare but could feel beads of sweat pour down the side of her face as she fought to avoid showing any fear that might incite her currently unstable sibling. Luna was working out a possible escape plan when she noticed the two artifacts lift in a golden glow and the door slam just before her sister spoke briskly, “Five or six times. Ten tops.” The ring flew into Luna’s chest hard enough to make her grunt. “I get first turn with the orchid. Ahem.” Celestia stood on her back legs with the orchid lifted between her forehooves as Luna watched while smiling like a foal sneaking into the cookies. “FOOLISH NOBLE RICH QUICK!!” the sun princess bellowed, “EXPECT ME TO ENDORSE YOUR CORRUPT PLAN TO RUIN YOUR SMALLER COMPETITORS?! THE SUN TYRANT SAYS: TAKE YOUR PROPSAL AND STICK IT WHERE MY SUN DOESN’T SHINE!!”