Dante's Little Apple Surprise

by Tatsurou

Moving Onward

Collecting a Stone Mask from behind the sunken opera house, Dante took it back to the waterfall chamber. Agni and Rudra combined their energies at Nevan's direction to dry Applejack off after she got soaked in the cold water again, much to Applejack's pleasure and Dante's momentary amusement. Placing the mask on a statue inscribed with such instructions in the chamber, a path over the water rose up out of it. "I'm starting to get tired of this constant sidetracking for keys," Dante grumbled.

"You should probably get used to it," Nevan purred. "This sort of thing is par for the course when it comes to demons."

"Indeed!" Agni confirmed. "Any Tower or Temple or Dungeon from which demons are attempting to influence the world is likely to have plenty of this!"

"It's traditional!" Rudra pointed out.

"And a pain in the-"

"Balls!" Cerberus interrupted Dante.

Applejack giggled at the by play, booping Dante's nose. Rolling his eyes, Dante continued on.

Crossing the bridge that rose up, Dante picked up a Neo-Generator. He stared at it for a time. "...and this is just to activate the controls on that bridge, isn't it?"

"Highly likely," Nevan drolled.

Groaning, Dante turned and headed back.

On the way back, they encountered a new monster with a face shield with a chainsaw edge. Applejack promptly grabbed Nevan and played a combination of power chords that somehow melted their faces to slag, leaving both shield and demon useless and helpless.

"Brutal!" Agni praised.

"Legendary!" Rudra agreed.

After destroying what was left, Dante continued back the way he'd come. After fighting their way through a few more spider enemies - which, on closer examination, more resembled a fusion of spider and crab (which led to the four weapons performing an acapella of the introductory theme song of Tekkaman Blade for Applejack's amusement) - they returned to the bridge chamber. Once there, Dante did a bit of soccer juggling with the Neo-Generator before kicking it into the proper slot across the room, starting the machinery.

"Excellent shot!" Agni praised.

"Capital!" Rudra agreed.

"Ball!!!!" Cerberus yelled, struggling to escape Applejack's grip to chase the Neo-Generator.

"Wha ih miff?" Applejack asked.

Dante tilted his head. "What would I have done if I'd missed?" Dante asked for clarification. Applejack nodded. "Well...that generator thing was pretty sturdy, right? I could always have grabbed it for another try."

"No, it actually isn't," Nevan pointed out.

Agni, Rudra, Applejack, and Cerberus were all silent.

Dante scratched the back of his head. "Then I guess it's a good thing I didn't miss," he replied as the bridge rotated to the new path.

Continuing into the next chamber, Dante spotted what looked like a dead body. Walking towards it, he heard someone else entering. "Well well," he said happily. "Nice to see you again."

As Lady entered, she paused, staring at the body. "Did you kill that man?"

Before Dante could respond, Applejack was shaking her head violently.

Lady sighed. "...I wanted to do that bastard in myself," she growled.

"No beh!" Applejack said, pulling Cerberus out and throwing it towards the body.

"Balls!" Cerberus shouted as it flew forward. The body jerked back to avoid the impact.

As both Dante and Lady pulled out their guns, the figure growled and warped away. "So who was that, anyway?" Dante asked.

"Jessah!" Applejack pointed out.

"Applejack claims that man was the Jester!" Agni translated.

"Who is Jester?" Rudra asked.

"An annoyance," Dante replied. "So who is he to you?" he asked Lady.

"A bastard obsessed with becoming the Devil," Lady growled. "He killed his own wife and slaughtered countless of innocents towards that goal."

Dante nodded. "And the reason it's personal?"

Lady grumbled under her breath. "He also happens to be my father..."

Dante leaned back. "I guess we've got something in common, then. We both have dysfunctional families."

As Lady glanced towards him, Agni suddenly spoke up. "I can see what's happening!" he proclaimed.

"What?" Rudra asked.

"And they don't have a clue!" Agni continued.

"Who?" Rudra returned.

"They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line!" Agni proclaimed. "Our trio's down to two!"


With that beginning, Agni, Rudra, Nevan, and Cerberus proceeded to sing an acapella of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight", Agni as the male singing voice, Nevan as the female singer, Rudra as background chanting, and Cerberus vocalizing music and sound effects. Applejack leaned her head back to listen to the song, swaying to the music.

Dante and Lady both stared at each other in embarrassment. Before long, however, the sheer absurdity of the situation reached them, and they both broke into uncontrollable laughter.

As the weapons finished singing, Dante looked up at Lady. "Say, after we stop your old man and my brother, wanna go someplace for coffee or some pizza?"

Lady finished chuckling and shrugged her shoulders. "Why not?" she offered carelessly.

"Am ih, he hall, ih wuv donigh..." AJ sang. "Ih ca be affume...Hi ebewy bay, wi uf awe hifbowy."

"In short our pal...is doomed!" Agni and Rudra sang together.

Chuckling, Dante added, "I know this one pizza joint that's sure to have something Applejack can eat, too, assuming it's still standing."

Lady smiled. "I wouldn't want you to leave her behind."

"She wouldn't let me even if I wanted to," Dante said, quickly jerking his head as Applejack tried to snap her teeth closed on his earlobe. "Gotcha!" he said, poking her nose with his finger, only for her to chomp down on that. "Yowch!"

"See you further in," Lady said laughingly, turning to head further into the tower.

As the door closed behind her, Agni spoke up. "Did you see that?" he proclaimed.

"We got the Young Master a date!" Rudra agreed.

"Success!" they cried together.