And Thus, I Became the Tatzlprincess

by Miss Marionette

You win some, you lose some.

        Waiting for Twilight Sparkle to arrive was, well, a bit torturous. Sure, Luna was out on a quest to try and find a cure to this, but there was nopony I trusted more than Twilight Sparkle to fix a problem. I had yet to find a problem I couldn’t point her at. Sister coming back to seek revenge, and needs purified? Send Twilight Sparkle. Have a gala that’s boring, and you want crashed? Send Twilight Sparkle Discord has woken up and needs put back in his place? Send Twilight Sparkle. Wedding is infiltrated and I’m too much of a thick twat to notice my niece is acting strangely? Twilight Sparkle. Have an empire that is suddenly back on the map, with the lord of all side burns here, trying to conquer it again? Send Spike the Dragon….with Twilight Sparkle to accompany him. The point was, when you had a problem that needs a quick fix, you sent Twilight Sparkle and Co.
        
Of course, I also knew of how fickle that ponies could be.There was no way I could predict how her friends would react. If Twilight overreacted, I could entangle her and keep her still till I would be able to calm her down. Was that a bit cruel? Maybe, but all the motivation I needed was to look outside, and then to my bedroom door. If I didn’t have this problem fixed by the morning, I had no idea how my ponies would react. It would be anarchy in the streets, heads bumping into walls, into each other, stampedes of xenophobic, scared ponies all about. I shuddered at the thought. Oh, Discord would no doubt get his kicks out of such an image. To see it come true? Why, he’d be utterly delighted.

Eventually, though, I felt a few stealthy knocks on my door. “Princess?” I heard Twilight’s voice, and I let out a happy sigh. There, now I could begin the quest to fix this whole issue. I had to play my cards right with this. I couldn’t just stun her like I had my sister. I was Luna’s sister, after all. Some rough housing, even at my age, was expected. Twilight, well, that’d just be frowned upon. “Twilight, come in...but you must promise me that you will not freak out, under any circumstances.” I said, and listened to the silence for a few moments. “Um...you have to promise me the same thing.” Princess Twilight said, and I blinked a few times. What a curious notion, I almost had to smile. Oh, I bet that my little secret would be much more frightening to her.

“Deal...now come in, and hurry.” I said, sitting up and squaring myself with the door. I glanced down at the teapot which contained the liquid which caused this whole mess. Oh, how I hoped that Twilight wouldn’t ask for a cup. We needed to study it, find out if there was a way to reverse the process. Otherwise, I would have tossed it into my fire. I focused on the door again. It opened, and I visibly twitched.

There, in front of me, was my dear student Twilight Sparkle. Purple hide, horn, wings, purple eyes...And then, I focused on the symbols on her eyes. At the trio of tentacles hanging out from her split lower jaw. At the long, lizard like tail that grew from her behind. Just. Like. Me. The same signs. Oh, dammit Discord. “P-Princess…Celestia?” Twilight gapped, looking at me. I instantly put it all together. Twilight had come to me for the same exact reason that I had called out to her for. “Twilight...you have to tell me. How exactly did you come into contact with Tatzltea?” I asked, jumping to the assumption that she’d had to drink tea to become a tatzl. Why wouldn’t Discord stick to that method?
Twilight seemed to need to take a few moments to compose herself, taking a deep breath before focusing on me. “Pinkie Pie threw a town wide tea party. Catered by Fluttershy and...Discord. The whole town…” Twilight said, and I could only stare. A whole town, under the effects of this dreadful concoction? The part where it was turning everypony into Tatzls wasn’t good either. “So...a whole town, converted into Tatzlponies…” I mused, thinking on it. That was not good. It could become completely isolated if we didn’t revise this epidemic swiftly enough. Plus, along with that, mass mayhem and chaos. The look on Twilight’s face told me that that was only the start of it.

“Twilight...is there more?” I asked, leaning in towards the mare. Oh yes, there was definitely more. Discord was one for theatrics. Two princesses and a whole town? Why stop there?

“The last I heard about Discord...he was delivering teapots all over Equestria, with the Tatzltea. Judging by the size of the flower that we had to get, he has more than enough petals to make tea to convert a sizeable chunk of the population...if not everypony.” Twilight responded, and my ears fell flat on my head. I could picture it now. It was essentially the same image of chaos as before, but now everypony had tatzl features. Discord floating above it all, laughing like there was no tomorrow.

“Princess, surely we can put a stop to this! Place Discord back into stone, banish him to the moon or the sun?” Twilight asked, looking around as if the answer was waiting to come and smack her in the face.

“No, Twilight...we can’t place Discord back into stone or banish him. The matter of the fact is that Discord has yet to do anything wrong, or breaking his contract of being a good guy.” I said, frowning. It was true, too. Besides making the tea, and floating about delivering it, Discord had yet to do anything wrong. I could still function, the tea didn’t cause any harmful changes, and he wasn’t using magic for the change. Discord was simply going about, handing out tainted tea. I couldn’t punish him for that, when I myself had slipped a laxative or two into Blueblood’s own beverage whenever he shows up. Could I be blamed? I think not.

Twilight slumped down a bit, looking almost defeated. I myself let out my tentacles to rub at my temples, finding I could control them easier and easier. It was foolish of me to think that Discord could have only had one pot of the Tatzltea. A creature like him? That wasn’t near grand or chaotic enough. No, not by a long shot. Now, this, this was much more up his alley. Finding a cure for the affliction could come later. For now, we had to stop Discord. As fun as running a kingdom with a sudden widespread trait of mouth tentacles, that sort of duty really wasn’t for me.

“Twilight, you said that he was delivering those teapots all over Equestria?” I asked, suddenly getting an idea. Oh, it was a horrible, dastardly, wonderful idea, I must admit. I would be lying if I said that when the idea came to me, it didn’t fill me with joy. Twilight looked at me, giving a nod of her head. “Knowing Discord, he has probably already delivered a good chunk and at completely random areas.” Twilight said, and I nodded my head. I could work with this.

“Very well. Twilight, follow me. What I am about to do may seem a bit drastic, but it is the only way to stop the whole of Equestria from becoming Tatzlponies, and possibly sending out nation into complete and utter chaos.” I said, before I began to run forward, bursting from my room and heading for the throne room. Already, out in the streets of Canterlot, I could hear the screams of shock and terror. It seems that Discord had already made his Canterlot deliveries. I had to pick up the pace, so now I simply teleported into the throne room, Twilight by my side.

The guards on booty looked at me in terror, and seemed to almost want to ready their weapons. I just rolled my eyes, and flashed the royal sunbutt. It was an unmistakable sight that not even becoming a Tatzl could change. Sitting squarely upon my throne, my horn began to glow brightly. There was one spell, which I could only pull off while in her thanks to certain amplification systems I had put in place. If my subjects thought that the royal Canterlot voice was bad, they had forgotten it’s bigger brother. The Royal Equestria Proclamation Voice.  

“Citizens of Equestria! Listen to me, your Princess, Celestia of Equestria! Stop what you are doing! If thou art drinking tea, cast the cup from your lips this very instance! The tea of Equestria has been tainted! For too long, have we enjoyed the splendors of tea, and now it has betrayed us! Surely you have seen the new ponies, with strange tails and tentacle mouths! Even I, your princess of the sun, is afflicted! This is the price we are paying for over consumption of tea! It gives me no great pleasure-” Let me just take this moment to say, that I have never felt more pleasure for a proclamation before in my life. “-that I must forbade the drinking, making, or selling of all tea, or tea related products! Cease now, citizens, unless you wish to join those of us afflicted by the Tatzl! This is a steep price, I know, and I will mourn it most of all,but for all of us, we must move on from tea! For the unity of Equestria, and for ponies who this really isn’t their fetish, tea is now BANNED...A substitute will be announced later in the week.”

Twilight looked at me with a look of sheer and utter disbelief. A sound of silence set over the city, before a new, louder sound began to rise up. All across Equestria, came a mighty sound of mourning. Tea, our national drink, now banned. Tatzl or nontatzl, Earth Pony, Unicorn, Pegasi, all were affected. All joined in the mourning for the tea. It no longer mattered what you looked like on the outside. It no longer mattered that I had tentacles coming out of my face. No, in one foul swoop, I had stopped Discord’s plan, reunited a splintering xenophobic nation, and defeated my age old enemy. My face was one of resolute seriousness, but on the inside...Oh, on the inside I was a joyful, dancing filly.

“Princess...are you sure something so drastic needs to be done?” Twilight said, looking at me with such pity filled eyes. “Tea has always been your favorite beverage. Surely there must be another way! Some secret spell that can fix all of our problems?” Twilight asked. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. I had to keep on a mask of complete and total sombrarity to this latest development. It wouldn’t be as genuine and nation bonding if I didn’t. “No, Twilight...it must be this way. There is no deus ex machina coming to save us this time. No spell to simply cast. The reign of tea...must come to an end, lest we all become Tatzlponies.” I said, a few tears of utter joy rolling down my face. To her, they looked like tears of sadness.

“Sister! We have just heard the announcement! Art thou okay? Are thou sure in thine’s choice? One so drastic?” Luna asked, flying in and landing next to me. Oh, it was rather difficult to keep a straight face….But I pressed on! For the good of Equestria, and no small part for my own personal enjoyment.

“Yes, Luna...for the good of Equestria, this is how it MUST be. I know not how I will cope, but I will. I will set the example, that we can  live without tea. That we can press on without tea. That we will not fall to Discord’s wiles. It will be a long, hard, depressing road, but it is one we all must walk.” I had every head bowed in respect, to my loss and their own. “Now, if you'll excuse me…” I said, slowly getting off my throne. “I must take a moment to be alone and cope with my loss.” I spoke, before teleporting into my room.

Once I was in my room, I took only a few moments to put up the proper spell as to soundproof it, before I utterly shouted in joy. I danced, trotted, laughed, and cried, all in my joyous outpouring. At last, at last, I had beaten the dreaded beast that was tea! I sat back on my haunches, giggling like a mad mare, before Discord suddenly appeared, a rather coy smirk on his face.

“I must say Celestia, when I heard that announcement...well, I thought you’d be more torn up about it. The sacrifice of your nation’s national beverage? Of your own personal drink? You seem rather delighted.” Discord said, and I only smirked back at him, shrugging. “Oh, of course, I am torn up over it all...But, as a good ruler, I am quite sure I will endure. What matters to me, is that I stopped your dastardly prank. How does it feel to lose, Discord?” I asked, before Discord burst into a fit of gut splitting laughter. It was not a pretty sight to watch...and it was rather annoying.

“What happens to be so funny, Discord?”
“Oh, oh nothing...Just the fact that you thought you’ve beaten me!”
“...What did you do?”
“Oh, well, when you made the announcement, I was understandably rather upset. All this tea, and no one to drink it anymore? So, I simply did what anyone in my position would do. I dumped it in all the major water supplies and cloud factories.”

Now, I like to think that I am a woman with unlimited patience. That nothing can topple my resolve to stay calm and keep my head level. That no matter what is thrown at me, I will keep calm and flutter on. Let me just say, that I have been able to do this for over a thousand years. I am allowed one slip up now and again, especially when Discord is involved.

In the next moment, I gave a shout of pure rage, and lashed out in the same way I had seen Twilight Sparkle lash out only once. I burst into flames, and promptly set everything in my room on burning fire. I burnt everything to a charred crisp, before falling back to my hooves, eye still twitched, looking at Discord. A pile of ashes, which suddenly popped up two eyes. I suddenly got a rather crazy, insane idea.

“Discord...please remove the tatzl tea from Equestria’s water supply?” I asked, giving him my best, begging pouty face. The pile of ashes reformed into Discord, and he stroked his chin for a few moments, before finally just shrugging.

“Okay.”

Five minutes later, after I set the room on fire again, and Discord properly reformed, he raised his claw. “On ONE condition.” I was not going to like the condition, by the smirk he had on his face.

“Yes?” I asked, canting my head and looking at him. Oh, how I hoped it was just something simple. Maybe standing on my head or something. That smirk told me otherwise. “You can’t cure yourself, or any ponies already afflicted. You must stay Tatzlponies, forever. Deal? Deal.” He said, before teleporting away.

I just sighed, closing my eyes and falling into a heap. I’d have had accepted the deal anyway, weighing my options. If ponies kept converting after my big announcement, not only would that spread chaos and distrust, but I might of had to bring tea back! The door burst open, Twilight and Luna were standing there, eyeing up my room.

“We take it Discord has visited thou…” Luna said, and I sighed before nodding my head. “Twilight...Get used to this form. We’re going to be stuck like this for a very, very long time.” I said, frowning at Twilight. Twilight took a moment to look at her tail, and then her mouth tentacles. “I….suppose it could be worse.” Twilight said, and I smiled a bit. “That’s the spirit.” I chuckled. “Now, on three…” I said, as I knew that we were all thinking along the same lines. One. Two. Three.

“Dammit Discord.”