Rarity Has Just Redecorated Your Apartment
zakueins
Another Monday, and another day the temptation to go Old Testament Biblical (i.e. fire and brimstone) on your job has gone up another notch. Some idiot in the break room stole your lunch (an utterly delicious spaghetti and meatballs from last night), your boss was ready to make you work unpaid OT before you pointed out that doing so would get the company and him in trouble with the EEOC again (they’re still resolving the whole sexual harassment complaint of your previous manager), and by the time you got off work, the last direct bus to the lot where you park your car left just as you made the corner. Two buses and an hour and a half later, you finally have gotten to your car, had something to eat that wasn’t greasy chain fast food, and now you’re about to come home to a new pastel pony problem.
A whole year of this has definitely worn your nerves out as well. Even with the YouTube videos, the occasional Fortean phenomena scientist trying to figure out what’s going on, and an amazingly kind landlord, nobody has the faintest clue why you’re ground zero for para-dimensional ponies. You’ve lost sleep, money, hair, two computers, three refrigerators, four beds, a night stand, and all of your good porn because of it. If anything really pisses you off, it’s losing the good porn. Some of the good porn isn’t in print anymore and they want really obscene costs to get new copies on the Internet. You turn the car wheel to the street where your apartment is...and there’s a line of trucks parked along the street.
Something about this makes you wonder, and as you drive along, the truck logos are from a major appliance chain. Specifically, the chain that handles really high-end appliances for people that can spend a thousand dollars on a refrigerator that does everything but have it’s own tiny cow inside for fresh milk. There’s also some trucks from IKEA, a “get rid of your junk” truck, and a single white unicorn with a checklist.
From what you recall about pony attractiveness, she’s cute in a whole “professional” sort of way. Her long, purple mane falls over one eye with an elegant curl, tail done in curls as well, and her Cutie Mark of three diamonds glitters in the setting sunlight. The clipboard is waving, and you can see that she’s talking with somebody that screams “lawyer” in a three piece suit more expensive than your car and several workmen.
Sighing, you pull into your parking spot for the apartment, noting that somebody has repainted all the parking lot lines in fresh yellow paint. Shouldering your backpack and taking a deep breath, you walk around the corner to the sound of the pony talking in a very elegant accent. “I’m so happy,” you can almost hear her squeal, “I mean, in only one day, I’ve managed to make this place so much more elegant.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” you say, and come up to the pony. “I assume that you’re my latest visitor.”
“Of course, darling,” she smiles, and nods her head. “My name is Rarity, and when I arrived in your domicile, I realized just why I was there. Just the mis-match of everything involved there was horrible. None of your furniture matched, and so much of it was battered and damaged, that I just had to do something about it.”
“Oh?” you ask very carefully, and look at the lawyer, his expression one of very professional curiosity.
“Well, you see,” Rarity continues, “after I started to plan out what I could do in only a day, I realized I needed help. As it turns out, Princess Celestia has a contingency planned for these circumstances, so all I had to do was make a phone call and this lovely gentleman here was able to help.”
The lawyer steps in between the pause, and says, “Hello, I’m William Howe, with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe,” offering his hand for a handshake. As you shake hands, he continues, “We are the law firm that manages the trust for Princess Celestia, and when Rarity contacted us and gave us her authorization codes, we were able to provide her with assistance.”
“And, such assistance it was,” Rarity smiles. “Just the smell alone...sadly, I know the source, and Spike is normally such a well behaved dragon. And, since I had to move around your old furniture to put new furnishings in, we were able to get a painting crew in here in early so that everything would be dry by the time the appliance and furniture delivery people arrived. I couldn’t do anything about the carpet or the kitchen cabinets-perhaps on my next visit here.”
“How did you get permission to do any of this?” you ask, looking in a shocked wonder.
“There’s a ‘maintenance clause’ in your lease agreement,” Howe says, looking at you. “Once we agreed to certain considerations, we were able to get access to your apartment for the work needed.”
“Considerations,” you say, your voice trailing off.
“Well, I am not impressed with some people’s idea of service. I mean, I was ordering only one stove and one refrigerator and they were going to make me wait until next week! But, when you order sixty stoves and refrigerators and hint that you may go to their competition if they cannot deliver that day,” Rarity shakes her head sadly. “It becomes amazing how quickly they discover that their schedules open up.”
Just to fix your apartment, she had the stoves and the refrigerators and probably the sinks and toilets of every apartment in the complex replaced… And, at no charge to the landlord, who was probably going to be tickled pink and figure out how to jack up your rent. You don’t know exactly what expression is on your face, but Howe says, “As a part of the agreement with the rental agency that owns this property, rental rates will remain the same. In addition, certain contingencies have been acted upon, and I will need you to examine and sign this contract.”
He hands over a thick stack of paperwork and you find a good source of light away from the still-working installers. As you read through it, it’s like some kind of weird dream, the sort where everything seems to be going so right, like the world has been put on greased rails. The contract is for a trust, and in exchange for your continued good care of trans-dimensional ponies, the law firm of Dewey, Cheatam, & Howe would pay the full rent, rental insurance, and utilities for your apartment. Damages to furnishings caused by pony visitors would be paid for as well, including a new bed as needed. All you need to do...is stay here and be a good host.
You read through the contract three times, looking for land mines, and sigh. “There has to be a catch. What’s the catch?”
“The only catch is that if you move and your visitors do not move with you, the trust would be emplaced with the next resident of the apartment that has pony guests,” Howe replied. “Beyond that, you just have to treat your guests decently.”
You close your eyes and count up ten elephants, take a deep breath, and pull a pen out of your pants pocket. “You do realize that what you’re offering will effectively double my salary,” you say, signing and initialing the contract as needed.
“Which makes it a great deal,” Howe nods and you look around. Rarity is biting her lip, and she is starting to bounce a bit on her hooves.
“Rarity,” you ask, “would you like to show me what you’ve done to redecorate my apartment?”
“Yes!” Rarity gushes and you realized that she’s carrying you along by her magic, leading you up the stairs to your apartment.
You have to admit, Rarity does great work even under the time pressure of a single day.
The smell, that never-to-be-forgotten smell of burnt refrigerator, has finally gone away. Replacing it is the fading smell of paint, as all the walls in the apartment have gotten a new coat of eggshell white paint. The major appliances in the kitchen-the stove, the microwave, and the refrigerator-have been replaced with some of the most high end hardware you’ve seen outside of an HDTV design show. The entire kitchen has been cleaned, dishes put away, and it almost seems to shine.
Coming into the living room, Rarity has gone hog-wild with the IKEA catalog, and replaced every single mismatched bookshelves with floor-to-ceiling Billy bookcases, a Hemnes corner workstation for your computer, and a TV table that has plenty of space for your DVDs, video games, and controllers. Anchoring the center of the room is a lovely new Karlstad sofa-bed, with a table holding all your remote controls in front of it.
Anxiously, Rarity leads you to your bedroom, where more bookshelves and several dressers live. They all surround your bed-a very nice and elegant four poster bed with a lovely new set of sheets and comforter. Rarity giggles, and she bounces herself onto the bed, curling up on it. “I found the best mattress possible, perfectly comfortable for a gentleman and any company he might have,” she says, making bedroom eyes at you and spreading out slightly. “And, the sheets! I wish I had the time to do proper, custom satin and silk, but the ones that I was able to get at the store were suitable enough. And spares for when you have to clean them.” She waves a front leg at you and smiles, “Come on, give it a try!”
You sigh, pull off your slippers, and get into your usual side of the Queen-sized mattress. And, you have to admit, it is a very comfortable bed. Rarity scoots across the mattress and snuggles up with you, smiling. “Are you enjoying it?”
“Yes, I am,” you have to admit, and roll onto your back, looking up at the ceiling. Rarity rests her head on your breastbone and you smile softly. “Thank you for all your work.”
“I feel like I should be doing more,” she says softly. “I admit, your wardrobe could be better, but it is too late to go shopping for anything to help you be better attired. We, and I use the ‘we’ in the ‘everypony that has been here’ sense, know that we’ve been a bit of a problem for you since these arrivals have happened. You should have something that makes you smile and feel better.”
“It has been an interesting year,” you admit. “Some of it makes me insane, some of it makes me smile.”
You roll onto the side of your bed, sitting up, and roll your shoulders. “One of the things that I’ve been doing in the last few weeks has been interviewing arriving ponies. Would you join me in the living room for an interview?”
Rarity smiles, and says, “Oh, most certainly, darling! Let me get my mane and tail worked on, I did bring some makeup, and I can be ready for you in a few minutes!”
The investment in a pretty decent video camera, two sets of wireless microphones, and a couple of lights to make sure nobody thought you were playing CGI games wasn’t that hard once you learned where to look on eBay. Learning how to fit a pony with a wireless microphone so that they could be heard clearly was tricky, but you got an amazing amount of advice after the first show. You’ve finished the setup, and a general idea of how to adjust the lights to compensate for your new couch when Rarity comes out of the bathroom.
She looks more...polished than you do. Subtle makeup, a freshly brushed mane and tail, her body shining softly by some means, she smiles and says, “Oh dear, you are ready. I’ve heard of this ‘Internet’ thing, and you are interviewing ponies that come through your house. Which interview will this be?”
“The ninth,” you say. “I’ll show you all the others when we’re done.” You help to fit Rarity with her microphone, and sit at the computer for a minute. “Talk a bit, normally,” pulling on headphones.
“Well, darling,” Rarity says, “I expect this to be a most interesting of interviews, as I have so much to talk about! While I was waiting for the first round of delivery people, I started to look at the fashion programming on television. And, while some of it is beautiful, while some of it is just...a cacophony of fabric design! To think, they call themselves ‘designers’!”
You listen in on the headphones, and smile. “Perfect sound,” and set up everything to record. A quick check of the white balance on the camera to compensate for the white-fur on Rarity, and you start off with the post-intro credits introduction. “Hello, and welcome to Pony Time. My guest this Monday is the fashionista and decorator that helped to turn my apartment around in a single day. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce tonight Rarity.”
“Why thank you,” Rarity replied, and the interview gets off to a swimming start. It’s thirty minutes of her talking about fashion (“Some designers...yes, clothing must be art, but it must be art on the canvas of your model, not just proof that you can make a fabric sculpture!”), decoration (“you must be careful not to over-decorate, it’s too easy to throw in that one last set of cushions or that one last overstuffed chair…”), and some of her fashion choices for the next season. The alarm clock you set just out of sight flashes (no sound, you’re recording), and you winding up with the last question and go into the show ending. A few seconds to get the right length of tag to work with in editing, then you turn the camera off. “Thank you,” as you quickly check to make sure you got a clean recording.
“Why, thank you, dear,” Rarity replies, and she lifts off the microphone and electronics package with her magic. “Have you eaten? I am hungry, and I would love for something to eat.”
“I ate before I got home,” you apologize. “Normal practice for me, since I don’t know who will show up, in terms of ponies. I mean, I’ve had some really rude ponies come and I didn’t want to ruin my appetite.”
“Oh, I understand, dear,” Rarity smiles. “But, can I get something to eat?”
“Better yet,” and you fire up your phone to find a food app. A few questions later, and a local Indian place is bringing over vegan aloo mutter and dessert. When it arrives, you tip the delivery person well, and Rarity is already working her way through it by the time you get back to the computer to start editing the episode of Pony Time.
She smiles, and wipes the last bit of curry with the provided bread. “Delicious,” she replies. “I must have the recipe with me on my return, I will see if we have the spices back in Equestria. You are preparing our interview to be shown?”
“Yes,” you reply, putting the last touches on the editing. “Let me show you what I’ve done…,” and you fire up the video software on the computer to show the intro sequence to Pony Time. Rarity watches the interview, and she nods at a few points, then the ending and your “hey, contribute by PayPal” post credits plea. “Interview number nine is done,” you smile. “Want to see one through eight?”
“Who did you interview, darling?” she asks, settling onto the couch.
“First off, we had Princess Cadence come by again,” and you bring up her interview on the TV, so you can both watch it on the bigger screen. It’s pretty raw (you’d like to say “authentic”, but your video editing skills were rudimentary at the start), but a half hour later, it’s over and Rarity says, “She does interview well.”
“Cadence was the first,” you reply, and start to sort through the videos on your YouTube channel. “Next up was Gilda…”
“Oh, her,” Rarity sighs in a voice cold enough to freeze oxygen. “Yes, I knew she was Rainbow Dash’s friend, but I always thought Rainbow Dash had better taste in ponies she liked.”
“Turns out it was one of the most highly rated interviews,” you say. “Biggest number of views, at least. And, she might have a surprise or two in store for you.”
“Oh?”
You run the interview, and it hits that one point where Gilda was talking about the other reason why she was in town. “Yea, I wanted to see Rainbow Dash,” she says, trying not to claw the old couch up under her. “But, I wanted to go by the Carousel Boutique as well. I heard a lot of great things about Rarity, and I wanted to get something custom from her, as I was going to really show off when I went to my brother’s wedding.”
Rarity makes you rewind the video past that point twice, and she says, “Goodness me, I will have to write her and see if she’s still interested.”
You bring up another interview, this one of Time Turner, and spend most of the evening talking about ponies that have come through, things that have happened, and you manage to find a good recipe for aloo mutter to give Rarity. She smiles, and says, “May I see some more of the fashion shows on television?”
“Certainly,” and you fire up the television on the special pony setting you programmed into the cable box (no porn channels or the more violent basic cable channels), and give Rarity instructions on how to use the remote control. “I’m going to head to bed in about an hour, so keep the volume down, please.”
“Oh, absolutely, darling,” she smiles. From...somewhere...she pulls out a notepad and colored pencils. She’s sketching from the TV, clearly working on ideas from the fashion show she’s watching. “I’m liking this designer,” Rarity says, scribbling out an idea for something that looks like a little black dress built for ponies. “He is making the most of his models, and that is wonderful.”
“If pony-to-Earth service was more regular,” you comment, “I suspect you would find a lot of people who would love to work with you.”
Rarity blushes, and smiles. “Darling, you’re embarrassing me! But, yes, I would be honored to work with some of the models here. Or, figuring out how to make the most of humans, a challenge indeed.”
She sits down on her haunches, and nods at you. “If you can get me some of these magazines they refer to and send them back with the next pony, I will gladly pay the cost of shipping from the pony there.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” and you search the fridge for something to nibble on. “Slice of chocolate cake?”
“Oh, yes,” Rarity says, and you split up the last slice of cake between the two of you. As you work on the computer, Rarity hums and makes comments as you hear the pencil scribble on her notebook. Finally, you finish up for the night, close the computer down, and find the blankets. Laying them in front of the couch, you say, “If you need some blankets, here you are. Probably won’t see you tomorrow morning, ponies usually leave before I wake up.”
“It was a pleasure, darling,” Rarity smiles, and she lifts herself up for a hug. She nuzzles your cheek as you hug, and sits back down. “Thank you, and I hope we can visit each other again soon. Hopefully with you having a day off, so I can get you properly attired!”
You blush and smile, “Thank you, and I’ll get the magazines for you.” As you head off to bed, Rarity sighs, you almost think you can hear, “a shame he isn’t a pony.” As you close the door, she’s complaining about a fashion designer with a fetish for androgynous boys in girl’s clothing.
The next morning, you’re up with the alarm clock and the TV is still on. Rarity is gone, but there are blanket on the couch, and a note on your computer table.
Thank you, darling, the note begins. I was up most of the night, taking notes. If I had a way to make a copy, we’ll have to talk about it on your program next time I come by. Next week, I hope to get the magazines, and I will find some way to compensate you for the cost. Have a great day at work!
The note is signed in a beautiful, flowing signature and you smile, tucking it into the portfolio folder you keep near the desk. It’s bulging with other notes, drawings, and photos, which means you’ll have to get another one soon. You already know where you’re getting the magazines for Rarity, and one or two she might have missed.
It might not be the best day you’ve have today, but it is starting superbly.