“Thanks for getting me here, girls,” Rainbow Dash slurred as she was wobbly guided to Sweet Apple Acres by Flitter and Cloudchaser.
“Sheesh, you’re really out of it,” Cloudchaser remarked.
“No, I’m not, and you can’t prove it!”
“I don’t have to. Blossomforth can since you barfed all over her favorite scarf… and her…”
“You sure your marefriend won’t mind you crashing in on her?” Flitter asked. “It’s really late.”
“Oh yea, Applejack’s cool… and chill… and awesome… and stuff…” Rainbow drawled. This was not the first time she had conveniently lost track of how many bottles of booze she had chugged, and since flying under the influence was not exactly legal, a drawer full of unpaid tickets attested to that, she usually spent the rest of her drunken stupor and inevitable hangover at her marefriend’s place.
Sure, she might have received a couple of scoldings from Applejack for drinking too much, but Rainbow shrugged it off. It was not like she made a huge mess at her place. Well, at least not every time. She still could not figure out where she got all that bubblewrap that one time, and they never could identify what those stains on the ceiling were or how they got up there.
Just as they arrived in front of the Apple household, Rainbow almost tripped over but was saved by the twins who helped her face from getting intimate with the ground for the umpteenth time that night.
“I don’t think I’ve seen you this wasted before. How much did you actually drink?” Cloudchaser asked.
“A lot,” Rainbow breathed right into Cloudchaser’s face, causing Cloudchaser to turn away and gag as Rainbow’s acrid breath slammed into her face like a battering ram made of expensive cheese.
“It was just a small party for the weather team,” Flitter pointed out over the sounds of her possibly dying sister’s coughs and retches. “Did you really have to go all out?”
“I blame Pinkie.”
“That… That somehow explains nothing and everything at the same time.”
“Arrgh, Rainbow,” Cloudchaser groaned, recovering from her nasal trauma. “Your breath is awful! You’re worse than Flitter after a bowl of her special chili.”
“Hey!”
“Yeah, well… your face!” Rainbow retorted.
Cloudchaser facehoofed. “Wow… Just… Just wow… Come on, Flitter.”
“We’ll see you Monday,” Flitter bade as she flew after her sister. “Enjoy your hangover!”
With her coworkers gone, Rainbow went up and knocked on the door. A lopsided grin appeared on her face as she eagerly awaited for her marefriend to answer. If things went as usual, Applejack would answer the door, sigh a bit as soon as she laid eyes on her, and then invite Rainbow in. After one thing after another, they would eventually fall asleep in each other’s hooves.
Eventually, Rainbow snapped out of her daydreaming, realizing that she had been standing on the porch for quite some time.
“Huh, guess they’re all asleep,” Rainbow mumbled, just noticing that all the lights inside were not on. “Guess it is pretty late. Oh well, they won’t mind if I let myself in,” she said as she pushed on the door, only to find that it did not budge.
“Stupid door,” Rainbow grumbled as she pushed even harder, but the door continued to refuse her entry. She then proceeded to ram her whole body into the stubborn wood, but even then she was still denied. The idea to just simply fly up to Applejack’s window flickered, but Rainbow extinguished. She was a polite and responsible pegasus, so the right thing to do was going in through the door… by whatever means necessary.
“Alright, tough guy, you asked for it,” Rainbow grumbled as she stepped away from the porch. With a yell, she charged forward and rammed into her wooden opponent with a meaty thump.
As Rainbow stumbled backwards from the undamaged door, she had a momentary realization that perhaps slamming your head into slabs of wood at high velocities was not such a great idea.
Feeling herself about to tip over, she flailed out with her forehooves. By chance, they managed to grip onto the doorknob, but gravity’s love for making things go splat was strong, and so Rainbow fell backwards with a yelp.
The grounded pegasus let out a groan as she lay on her back. Getting back up, she cursed, “When I get my hooves on you, I’m gonna… I’m gonna…”
Rainbow paused when she saw that the door had been pulled open a few inches from her fall. Eyeing her opponent warily, she slowly pulled the door open a bit more, pleased to see that she was met with no more resistance. It was obvious to her mind, clearly not addled at all by alcohol or possible blunt force trauma, that it was her awesomeness that finally got the door to obey her. No lousy piece of wood was ever going to get the best of her!
“I don’t like you,” Rainbow stated as she admitted herself and roughly slammed her wooden antagonist closed.
A cursory glance around the dark, quiet interior confirmed that everypony was already in their beds. Most importantly, it meant Applejack was in her bed.
It was a badly kept secret that Rainbow had a much harder time keeping her hooves to herself when her inhibitions were lowered, especially around Applejack. There was only one thing on her mind now, and she wanted it now.
A hungry grin spread across her face as she made her way towards her marefriend’s room. The journey was wrought with obstacles as several pieces of furniture ambushed her by suddenly appearing in front of her, giving her an expedited trip to the floor.
Fumbling around in the dark, she finally arrived inside Applejack’s room. It was as dark as the rest of the house, a little bit of moonlight sneaking in from the window.
Rainbow smiled as she saw the pony-sized lump underneath the blankets in the bed. “Hey,” she called out in a loud whisper. “It’s your favorite pony here. You awake?”
She was met by a small, incomprehensible mumble as the pony in bed shifted slightly.
“Had a pretty wild party at work,” Rainbow continued. “Hope you don’t mind me crashing here for the night.”
Again, she was met by a mumble.
“And since I’m here, you know what that means,” Rainbow continued as she adopted a sultry grin. She moved towards her marefriend, swaying her hips as sexily as she could. In reality, her movements were as graceful as a pregnant sloth, and it looked like she was going to tip over at any moment. It was nothing short of a miracle that she managed to make it those few steps and on top of the bed unscathed.
“Mmm, yea… That’s the stuff,” Rainbow cooed as she snuggled up to the pony, wrapping her hooves around the form still underneath the sheets.
When she did not receive any attention back, Rainbow frowned. “Aww, come on, babe, don’t tell me you’re too tired to spend a little time with me? You know I would always make time for you.”
Rainbow smiled and closed her eyes when a hoof wrapped around her, but her good mood was swiftly dampened when the lights clicked on. With a huff, she reopened her eyes.
“Oh come on, what now? We were just…” She trailed off when she noticed her surroundings in a literal new light. Instead of Applejack’s orange hoof wrapped around her, it was a green hoof. A green, wrinkly hoof.
She let out an audible gulp as her eyes slowly drifted up. What she saw and heard would haunt her for the rest of her life.
“Well, aren’t you a sweet thing. Come and give Granny some sugar.”
“AHHHHHHH!”
The next morning found Rainbow waking up on the couch downstairs. With all the alcohol she imbibed yesterday, she should have been suffering from a massive hangover. Instead, she felt no ill effects. All traces of drunkenness had fled her body and off the nearest cliff. It was by far the best hangover cure she ever had.
Rainbow Dash rather would have had the hangover.
It was bad enough that she was now scarred for life, but her screams last night had also woken up the rest of the Apple household, causing Applejack and Big Mac to rush into Granny Smith’s room. Having Applejack find her with Granny Smith still trying to cuddle her was not exactly a highpoint in her life. Between Granny Smith’s uncomfortable touches and Applejack’s withering glare, Rainbow’s brain had shut down, preventing her mouth to even stammer out an explanation.
After an awkward silence, only broken by the sounds of Granny Smith cuddling her paralyzed body, Applejack suggested that she spend the rest of the night on the couch so that they could talk about it in the morning. Rainbow immediately complied. She knew she was already in a deep hole. There was no need to immediately turn that hole into her grave.
Hearing the sounds of utensils clattering in the kitchen, Rainbow knew that Applejack was already waiting for her. For a moment, she contemplated the idea to simply fly out the door, just to avoid the awkwardness and likely the wrath of her marefriend, but that idea was quickly quashed. She was too loyal to leave Applejack, and it would surely ruin their relationship. That and the fact that sleeping with your marefriend’s grandmother was prime blackmail material.
With a loud groan, she got up and slowly plodded her way towards the kitchen as though it was her own execution, and for all that she knew, it probably was.
Inside the kitchen, Rainbow found Applejack and Granny Smith cooking up breakfast at the stove. Big Mac was nowhere to be seen, probably still asleep. Remembering Scootaloo mentioning something about a Cutie Mark Crusader sleepover, Rainbow suspected that was where Apple Bloom was. It was a small blessing since it was already going to be awkward enough discussing the events of last night. Having to carefully choose her words with a filly present would have been a nightmare, or rather, an even worse nightmare than she was currently going through.
Rainbow discreetly made her way to the table, doing her best to not disturb the other ponies and delay the inevitable, but apparently that was not enough. As soon as she sat down, Applejack plopped down a stack of pancakes right in front of her.
“Mornin’, Rainbow!” Applejack greeted pleasantly.
“Uhh…”
“Hope you like it. Ah know that they’re your favorite.”
Rainbow looked down at the stack of pancakes, then back to Applejack’s smiling face, and then at Granny Smith who was also smiling at her. They looked happy. It felt wrong.
“What’s going on?” Rainbow cautiously asked.
“Um, breakfast?”
“Just breakfast? No yelling, no disapproving looks, no lectures, or any forms of actions that would result in me suddenly finding myself several yards into the ground?”
“Uh, no?”
“Oh… It’s just…” Rainbow stopped herself and shrugged instead. “You know what? Never mind, thanks for the chow.” If Applejack really was not angry with her, there was no need to open that can of tatzlwurms. Maybe she was letting it slide, or maybe perhaps it was all just one disturbingly vivid nightmare. She then turned her attention back to the glorious stack of carbohydrates in front of her and picked up a fork.
“No problem, sugarcube. Eat as much as you like. After all, it was mighty sweet of you to have a little fun time with Granny,” Applejack said right as Rainbow stuffed a forkful of pancakes into her mouth.
Right there and then, Rainbow set a world speed record of food projectiles launched out of a mouth.
“What?!” Rainbow cried out.
“Somethin’ the matter, Rainbow?” Applejack asked again innocently.
“Nothing happened! I swear!”
“Sure looked like somethin’ to me.”
“It was dark, and I thought I was in your room and that was you. I didn’t do anything with her! Tell her, Granny Smith!”
Granny Smith tapped a hoof to her chin. “Well, Ah do recall wakin’ up to the sound of your voice.” She smiled sweetly at Rainbow Dash. “Ah didn’t hear everythin’ clearly, but you did say some nice things, and then the way you came up to me and used your hooves to—”
“You’re not helping!”
“Gee, Rainbow, Ah never knew you had the hots for Granny.”
“I don’t! It was all a mistake! I… I…” Rainbow stopped when Applejack and Granny Smith dissolved into laughter. “You guys are messing with me, aren’t you?”
“Yep,” both Apple mares replied back without shame.
Rainbow folded her hooves across her chest and scoffed. “Whatever.”
At that moment, Big Mac entered the room. He paused when he saw his two family members still chuckling, and then turned his attention to Rainbow. Big Mac opened his mouth but when the pouting pegasus glared at him and hissed, “Not… a… word…”, he promptly closed it and took his seat at the table.
“Alright, sugarcube,” Applejack said when she and Granny Smith had recovered from their laughing fit, “you want to explain why exactly you were shackin’ it up with Granny?”
“Please don’t say it like that,” Rainbow mumbled, squirming in her seat.
“Ah just call ‘em like I see ‘em. Now start talkin’.”
“Yeah, Yeah… Well, it was somepony’s birthday on the weather team, so we threw a party.”
“Let me guess, there were drinks and then you got yourself plastered… again…”
Rainbow let out a nervous chuckle. “I wouldn’t say that exactly. I mean, I was okay enough to get here, right?”
“Only with Flitter and Cloudchaser’s help, am Ah right?”
“Maybe…”
Applejack rolled her eyes.
“It was pretty late when I got here, so I let myself in. Oh that reminds me, if there are any dents on your front door, those were totally there before I got here.”
Applejack rolled her eyes again.
“Anyway, I went to find you, but since it was all dark, and I was a bit out of it from the party, I accidently went into Granny Smith’s room. Thinking it was you, I just hopped into the bed. Really, it was all a big accident! For all we know, I could’ve gone into any other room instead!”
Big Mac let out a strangled cry.
“You gotta believe me!” Rainbow begged, putting her forehooves together. “You know I wouldn’t do something like that behind your back… At least not on purpose!”
Applejack chuckled. “Course Ah do, sugarcube. Ah actually figured that was the gist of things.”
“Wait, really? Then all that stuff before…”
“Just our way to have a little fun and also try to teach you a lesson on why you shouldn’t get so hammered,” Applejack replied with a smirk.
Rainbow let out a huff. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. I’ll try to tone it down.”
“That’s good to hear, dear,” Granny Smith replied. “Of course, if you happen to somehow stumble into my room again, Ah’ll make sure you’ll have a night you’ll never forget.” She finished her statement by waggling her eyebrows.
Rainbow shuddered at the elderly mare’s flirts. In less than a day, her views of Granny Smith had made a sharp turn towards the unsettling and disturbing zone. Perhaps Twilight knew of a memory erasing spell. If not, there was always self induced lobotomy. “You two are never going to let me live this down, are you?”
“Nope!” Applejack replied with the biggest smile Rainbow had ever seen on her. It was nice to know how her suffering gave her marefriend so much joy.
“Now, now, Applejack, perhaps we should stop giving the poor dear so much trouble,” Granny Smith suggested.
Rainbow breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“After all, she’s my newest lover,” Granny Smith finished as her and Applejack’s cackles filled the air.
Rainbow slammed her face into the table.
“Gee, Granny, you sure bagged Rainbow pretty quick,” Applejack teased.
The sounds of a face meeting wood multiple times filled the kitchen.
“Well of course Ah did! Back in my day, Ah had all sorts of ponies comin’ after me. Ah picked up a few things along the way of how to get a pony’s attention. What’s important is what you do with them, and the things Ah could show you—”
“Okay, I heard enough!” Rainbow shouted as she shot up and stormed off. “I’m out of here!”
“Where you goin’, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“To drown myself in alcohol until I forget all of this!”
“What did we just talk about, Rainbow?”
“I don’t care!”
“Well, when you come wanderin’ back, Ah’ll be waitin’ for you tonight, sweet thing!” Granny Smith called back.
A frustrated scream rang through the air.
With Rainbow gone, Applejack and Granny Smith joined Big Mac at the table to enjoy their breakfast.
“Well that was fun. You think she’ll be back?” Granny Smith asked.
Applejack snickered. “Ah’m sure she’ll turn up one way or another.”
Granny Smith chuckled coyly. “Lookin’ forward to it.”
Big Mac shook his head and let out a sigh. “Ah’m lockin’ my door from now on.”