Chapter 10
Doubt In My Heart, Pain In My Soul
“The important thing is you seem to be alright now.” Glitterlamp commented looking over my scars. “Weird I didn't think these potions left scars.” She said almost like an after thought. I finished eating the apple and tossed the core into a waste bin feeling weird. A cold pit sank to my stomach as I tried to figure out what real is anymore. Anything can be perceived as normal given enough time, at least in theory.
“You scared the blessed light right out of me, you know!” Glitterlamp tried to get my attention as I looked at my left hand. How would you even define real? Only by what you can feel right?
“C`mon stop giving me the cold shoulder and say something!” Glitterlamp looked concerned now and took a few steps back in case I lashed out at her, I guess. The gem at the pommel of Fearbane was like glass or some clear crystal I wasn't familiar with but inside was a small ruby fashioned to look just like the gem that encased it. The gem was shaped like a pyramid with several sides but more importantly sharpened to a point. I pressed my left hand into the point instantly drawing blood and the pain that came with it.
“It even hurts here.” I said softly giving it a twist. Blood ran down the amber eye and down the blade streaking the obsidian blade with crimson. I didn't flinch, at least not that hard.
“Stop that right now!” Glitterlamp lifted my hand off the gem and began looking around for something to wrap it.
“Even in dreams it hurts,” I mumbled as the thought of being in a coma crossed my mind.
“Yeah, I got struck by a lightening bolt. That's it, I'm probably wasting away in some dead, sterile room of a hospital with wires hooked up to me. Like a machine.” I thought sinking deeper and deeper into depression, I could practically feel the cold tubes on my skin. Glitterlamp left the room only for a moment only to return with bandages in her magic aura. She pulled my hand out to wrap it frantically, she wrapped it too tightly making it hurt more.
“I guess when you're stripped of everything, pain is all you have left.” I muttered sighing halfheartedly.
“That's enough!” Glitterlamp snapped loudly slamming a hoof into the side of my head making me see stars. The blow was enough to knock me out of my chair I stared wide eyed at Glitterlamp standing over me with tears brimming at the edges of her eyes.
“Just talk to me! Stop saying those things and talk to me!” She pleaded.“It's not worth feeling like you do!” The taste of copper trickled into my mouth and my cheek stung violently but I just stared at her flatly.
“What is reality?” I asked slowly watching her eyes for reaction. “Is pain an illusion or fact? Because I don't know anymore.”
Glitterlamp blinked a few times with both relief and confusion mingling in her eyes.
“I don't know,” She finally answered. “I guess life is what you make of it, right? And pain? Fact, I guess.” Glitterlamp helped me up but still eyed me warily. “C`mon, how about you tell me the answers to your riddles, OK?”
I was led to the couch for a formal “talk” and was sat down so we could at least be at eye level.
“They weren't riddles they were real questions. Ever since I arrived to this place I have been having these nightmares. Last nights was the worst by far.” I explained still gripping the sword with my right hand.
“Let's start with telling me about these nightmares.” She said encouragingly. I stared at my bandaged hand and back at her.
“Couldn't make things worse I guess.”
“You've been inside my mind. So you know what it's kinda like when things are normal.” I started. “Lately though I've been diving into other ponies minds but never as intense as yours was, never. With you I was able to relive some of your memories,” I raised an eyebrow. “Any idea's why?”
“Hmm, I remember trying to soothe your mind with my magic,” Glitterlamp rubbed her chin with her hoof then her face lit up for a moment. “Maybe, nah couldn't be that.”
“What?” I asked tiredly.
“Well maybe since I was trying to calm your mind then I got pulled in, if that makes sense. I've never had anything like that happen before though. But what did you see in my mind that troubled you?” Glitterlamp asked me confused. “You freaked out when I wasn't in your head. So what did you dream of?” she pressed on. The words were stuck in the back of my throat and my barricade of will holding back my feelings were beginning to stress.
“Maybe if I did tell her, I would feel better. Just this once.” I convinced myself.
“I miss my family and the worst thing I can do is think about them so I've kept myself busy with anything to distract myself.” I rubbed myself and couldn't stop from grinning because it sounded so stupid when I actually said it aloud. “I guess it's been getting worse since those Timbers brought me down the other day.”
Glitterlamp seemed to think it over and nodded.
“OK, so you're feeling crummy because a few Timber wolves attacked you and you didn't get away without a scratch? You should be happy to be alive.”She pointed out bluntly. “But that still didn't answer my question. What did you dream of last night.” She said a little more firmly.
“Wow, I'm arguing with my own coma.” I thought shaking my head sadly. I couldn't stop smiling but I wasn't happy, I was watching what little of my mind there was left bleed into the colorful scenery. And it was funny!
“I'm talking to an equine-shape-shifting-emotion-sucking-vampire and in a world where some trees grow up to look like wolves, now where did I put my straight jacket!” I mentally patted myself on the head while being awarded with a huge golden cup with 'You're A Crazy Loon!' engraved on the front.
“It must have been you I when I saw that Fear beast, should've known, it had your voice.” I stood up laughing lightly between words. “When you pounced on me I freaked out, of course you know what happened.” My hysteria was getting the better of me making my smile a skull cracking grin and my laughing was becoming more and more uncontrolled. “And when you wrapped me up with something, I thought I was being eaten by a huge snake!” I paced around the room trying to clear my mind of all this rubbish and wake up from this wreck of a dream!
“And you know what? I still must be in a dream because none of this can be real!” I cracked turning to face Glitterlamp and all I saw was a blanket unfolding to wrap itself around me tightly. Something hit my wrist sharply forcing Fearbane out of my hands and I hit the ground with a meaty thud.
I had to blink a few times to understand what I was seeing. I was wrapped up like a cheese stick and with a throbbing headache from spinning around so fast, hitting the floor probably didn't help either. Glitterlamp was at eye level with me looking furious and concerned at the same time.
“Won't catch me off guard this time.” She growled at me baring her fangs at me. “I know you miss your family,” she yelled at me. “That's what I saw in your memories! Your life! But when I thought about my messed up excuse of a family they appeared and tormented me!” She gripped both sides of my face to force me to look into her intense emerald eyes.
“Just calm down! Everything will be alright!” She commanded in low tones. “I know you feel sad and miss your home,” there was sympathy in her voice, was it for me? “but acting like this won't send you back to them.” She finished almost to herself as her expression fell, lost in a sad memory. A silence fell between us as I absorbed her words.
“I think, therefore I am.” I said out loud remembering a quote I heard during English class a few weeks ago. Glitterlamp looked up with wide, confused eyes.
“What's that supposed to mean?” she asked quizzically and a little frustrated.
“I heard it in a class once, somebody important said it. I think it means something like,” I struggled on how to put it into words. “Reality can be anything you can perceive. No matter how crazy, that sanity is an opinion.”
Glitterlamp unwrapped me and I just sat on the couch nursing my aching head. I reached out and ruffled Glitterlamp's thin, moss green mane.
“Thanks for helping me through this. I must've looked like a total wacko right now.” I chuckled at myself. “Anyway, did you drink a healing potion to fix your wings yet?” I asked trying to find a harmless topic.
“No, the base of my wings are fine. The part that fell off wasn't alive to begin with, kinda like how hooves grow.”
“Or like finger nails then.” I thought observationally. Her wings did look better and just a little bit longer than the last I saw them.
“Oh, I see. Well, since I'm better now I should think about how to proceed from here.” I said with a sigh. “Still got that freaking debt I need to pay off.” I grumbled angrily, mostly because I doubt I could get a job in this world.
A knock came from the door making both of us snap to attention. The house was a mess with the living room in shambles from my last mental breakdown. Glitterlamp was wreathed in her green fire and now looked like a unicorn I didn't recognize. Worry still painted her face as she moved toward the door.
“Quickly, clean the place up!” Glitterlamp hissed at me as she went for the door. I started throwing the blankets back onto the couch and trying to cover up the disheveled mess that the paintings now represented. I shoved them back into there proper places, more or less, and cleared up what little floor space there was.
“Is this Sapphire Hoof's house?” a voice asked as I frantically put up the last bits of a broken frame into the pile of random art supplies.
“Yes, this is but she's out at the moment.” Glitterlamp informed the voice.
“I know, Sapphire told us that the creature that got hit was here.” The voice explained. I heard somebody whisper something but I couldn't catch what was said.
“Oh, he's fine. Just recovering from his walk here.” Glitterlamp insisted.
“Oh my! Having to walk the whole way through those creepy woods! How dreadful!” A posh voice erupted.
“We came to apologize for the trouble that our sisters caused, it really won't take long.” A heavy Texan accent commented.
“Well, I don't know. I suppose it'll be okay.” Glitterlamp relented. I quickly crashed onto the couch and made it look like I was still recovering. “But if he starts getting overwhelmed I'll need you to leave.”
“Understood.” The first voice agreed.
Glitterlamp came back into the living room and gave me a quick worried look. Next a colorful parade of ponies stepped through and tried to find space in the living room. A mellow-yellow pegasus with long pink hair with only the slightest of curls made a bee line straight for the couch and bombarded me with questions.
“Where are you hurt? Are you eating alright? How are you feeling?” the pegasus placed a hoof on my forehead while its other hoof gently ran across my frame trying to locate any form of injury. “Do you need anything?” I, on the other-hand, was trying to find out how far I could sink into this couch without actually leaving it.
“Whoa, whoa back up!” I cried out uncomfortable with the sudden questions and how close this pegasus was to me. “I'm fine! My friend has been taking very good care of me.” I said quickly pushing its hooves away from me as politely as I could. The pegasus was very soft spoken but only seemed more intrigued.
“Oh wow, you can talk! How wonderful! Can you tell me what happened to you?” The pegasus continued its whisper questions at me, its voice was soothing and motherly it was just how close it was getting made me uncomfortable.
“Fluttershy, it's not any animal I've seen. It might not be as friendly as the ones you know.” A purple unicorn warned Fluttershy.
“I'd listen to your friend miss, he gets rather unpleasant when cornered.” Glitterlamp insisted hastily.
“Ha!” A light blue pegasus with spiky rainbow colored hair laughed harshly. “Twilight, Fluttershy can handle any animal! Remember how she handled that red dragon a few weeks ago!”
“Wait a sec, Twilight? That's one of the names that hurt Trixie.” I remembered her saying that when we first met and at Courage's Folly. The purple one, which I think is Twilight, regarded the light blue pegasus with tempered patience.
“That may be true, Rainbowdash but that's not why we're here.” Twilight reminded her friend.
“That's the other one!”
“That's right,” an orange pony with sun bleached hair which was tied at the bottoms approached me. “I'm Applebloom's bigger sister, Applejack,” she explained, “I came to apologize about my sister putting you in the hospital n` all. An` if there's anything I can do to help, just say so.” A white unicorn with a purple super curl of a mane and tail looked absolutely ashamed and sorry looking more-so than Applejack.
“I am Rarity,” she introduced herself gracefully, “and one of my sisters was also involved in your disaster. If there's anything I can do, please let me know dear.” The two of them looked at Rainbowdash expectantly. The pegasus was flapping her wings and folded her fore-hooves.
“I'm sorry about you stepping out in the middle of the street and getting hit by Scootaloo.” Rainbowdash stated rapidly and looked like this type of thing was well below her. She caught the looks of her companions and scoffed. “What? I'm supposed to be sorry about some animal that couldn't be bothered to look both ways across the street before crossing!?”
I was getting pretty tired of being called an animal but then again, that's how I see them. I remember how badly hurt Trixie was in when I met her, battered, bruised, exhausted. I tried not to show my feelings behind a blank face but Glitterlamp raised an eyebrow and looked briefly at Twilight and Rainbowdash.
“I didn't catch your name, miss?” Twilight asked Glitterlamp.
“Springdew, like I said before, I'm taking care of him while Sapphire is out.” Glitterlamp-now-Springdew spoke offhandedly. I sat up pushing Fluttershy to a more agreeable distance of an arms length.
“Close enough.” I simply said and looked at Rarity then Applejack. “I'll be fine, the kids have already apologized to me. There's nothing to be repaid, really.” I gave them a smile to show I was sincere. I sized up who I think is Rainbowdash with only the slightest of disdain.
“So, you're the Rainbowdash I've heard about,” I grinned disarmingly and earned a worried look from Glitterlamp.
“The one and only!” She confirmed boisterously, the sound only making me grit my teeth. “Winner of the Young Fliers competition, and weather team captain stationed in Ponyville.” She would have happily said more but just shrugged. “Who told you about me?” she asked with a smug grin. I cracked my own half smile and said as nicely as I could.
“Trust me, if I could reach up there and slap the color right out of your hair I would!”
“From a friend of mine, I think you know her actually.” I said keeping my half smile although I was annoyed with the way she talked, more like bragging. Springdew raised an eyebrow just as interested in this as much as the others were.
“Who?” the purple unicorn asked quizzically.
“Trixie.” I stated flatly seeing a wave of realization wash their faces. “She was the first pony I met in this world, she treated me decently enough. Although she didn't have a very high opinion about you, why is that?” My smile remained but the question carried an edge sharp enough to cut.
An uncomfortable silence fell in the room as I waited for my answer. Applejack was the first one to speak and she confused.
“I don't really think you knew her very well.” She said calmly. “She came into Ponyville braggin` about her power an` her greatness! An` Twilight here proved her wrong by defeating a rampaging Ursa Major!” She explained. “Look I know she may have told you but, more than likely, it was only from her side.”
“Applejack, it was an Ursa minor and I did not defeat it, nor was it really rampaging. I just lulled it back to sleep.” Twilight told her friends. “It wouldn't surprise me if she holds a grudge against us. And all we can do is hope she'll let it go someday.” I nodded thinking things over in my head but not really convinced.
“Act as wise as you want, you still humiliated my friend.”
“I understand.” I said neutrally.
“Pain only occurs after the wound is made!” I thought viciously. “Geh! If I don't get a hold of my thoughts I might actually say something! Calm down, control yourself.”
“I don't know what happened, only that Rainbowdash chased her out of town.” I said patiently. “I knew her for a brief time. Maybe you can shed some light for me?”
Twilight looked shocked at Rainbowdash but she kept a cool poker-face but the smug look was wiped from her face. All eyes turned on her expectantly. I grinned a little wider.
“Twilight, several ponies got hurt with her last trick!” Rainbow dash cracked finally under the pressure, Twilight looked less than amused with her friend. “She set the stage on fire and wrecked the whole town! Things happened here while you were gone visiting your parents!”
“We'll talk about this later Rainbow,” was all Twilight told her friend.
A pink pony with even pinker mess of curls that it almost seemed to be frizzy had been fidgeting around suddenly pounced, as if her legs were made of rubber, over the heads of the others.
“Trixie was mean and bossy and her tricks only made ponies feel bad! She was not very nice at all!” Her voice was incredibly squeaky and fast paced but she was very passionate about it. I looked away because the intensity of pink made my eyes water a bit. The room had almost been completely decorated with party strings and ribbons. “She said she didn't need nopony anyway! She'll be fine.” She said in Rainbowdash's defense.
“So why did I find her on the road covered in cuts and bruises crying for Rainbowdash to leave her alone!?” I snapped before I could control myself. I sighed outwardly realizing I lashed out. “Sorry,” I apologized. “I'm rather protective of what few friends I do have.” I felt tired again and wanted them to leave already but they came to say sorry, it would be rude to ask them to leave. Springdew looked confused darting her eyes between me and our guests.
“Probably gauging if I'm overwhelmed yet or not.”
“But what's with the party decorations?” I asked pointing at the ribbons trying to change the subject. The pink pony merely giggled.
“Well, when I heard you came into Ponyville and I didn't get to welcome you, I felt just terrible! And when I found out you got hurt in Ponyville I felt double terrible!” She spoke quickly getting more excited. “Then I wanted to throw you a welcome-get-well party! But when I got all the party stuff you were gone! And now I found you!” She hopped out of the room for a moment and her friends looked at her as if learning of this plan just now. She came back with a colorful pirate cannon and it was aimed into the room but the couch was in direct line of fire. I felt the blood drain out of my face as she grabbed the pull string with a wide smile. I looked down the barrel and thought it was as big as the doorway, funny how things seem when you're ABOUT TO DIE BY CANNON FIRE!!
I flung myself across the room for Fearbane that had only a sheet covering it. The explosion was deafening and I felt debris or something rain on my back with Springdew yelling. The flash had blinded me burning my eyes as if acid had been poured into them.
“What did I say about not overwhelming him! This is scaring him!” She yelled from somewhere. “Out now! GO!” I wrapped my fingers around the hilt accidentally cutting the back of my hand on one of it's many sharp edges. My sides feel like a branding iron was pressed into them forcing breath out of my body. I wanted to run the Hell out of here away from that trigger-happy-nutcase as fast as I could! In my haste the precariously stacked pile fell on top of me. A fog of calm washed over my body and my limbs felt just a bit heavier.
“Glitterlamp,” I thought in recognition. Several hoof beats moved toward the door while “Springdew” chastised the pink lunatic for bringing her cannon. The door slammed shut but her magic was subduing my movements and thoughts. Soft steps approached me and the pile of junk lifted off my back.
“Michael, there's nothing to fear now,” Springdew's voice seemed to pierce through my panic. “Come on out, they've left now.” I slowly struggled to my knees wide eyed, adrenaline pumped sluggishly through my aching muscles. I brushed some confetti off and saw that the whole room was laced with ribbons, balloons, confetti, a couple trays of baked goods, and Springdew looking concerned.
“Even after I told them to not to do anything drastic,” she grumbled helping me back to my feet.
“Thanks, why on earth did she have a cannon?” I asked unbelieving.
“Equestria,” Springdew corrected me. “Why did you wig out at a cannon?” she asked.
I sat down gripping my hand to staunch the bleeding.
“Egh! Why do you bleed so easily?” Springdew remarked as she wrapped the wounded hand, now I have a matching set of wrapped hands.
“Lovely, if the scars don't prove I've been here, nothing else will.”
“Fearbane is really sharp!” I shot back defensively.
“Is that what you call it now!?” She gave me a stern look and turned her attention to the living room.
“What are we do about this mess?” she sighed outwardly. I sat Fearbane down next to the couch and examined a cupcake. My stomach growled viciously and I realized that I haven't eaten properly for like a day and a half!
“Well, we can throw ourselves a party.” I suggested taking a tentative bite out of the cupcake. It was really sweet and delicious if a bit dry “To celebrate our, friendship I guess.” I finished weakly stuffing the rest of the cupcake in my mouth. “This could use some milk,” I thought out loud wandering to the fridge.
“Or at least to cheer up Glitterlamp for having to put up with me.” I thought guilty for my past actions.
“Yeah, that sounds nice.” She said trying to grin. “I'm just trying to sort myself.”
I found the milk and brought it out and looked at Springdew wanting to help but unsure how to help. I looked to the trays of pastry delicacies and wondered if I had enough milk for all of it.
“Hungry?” I asked and immediately regretting it. Didn't she feed on an emotion?
“Yeah, more so than usual.” She said tiredly visually wilting. I went around the house to make sure that every curtain had been drawn to a close. I bit my lip trying to figure a way to help her but the answer evaded me.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” is what I wanted to ask but I couldn't bring myself to actually speak it, just seeing her like this made me feel like I should be doing something. My stomach demanded my attention and I have been neglecting to eat but I had much more important things to attend to!
“Hey, you can take that disguise off. They are gone after all.” I encouraged rubbing Glitterlamp's shoulders. She looked at me with defeated eyes.
“Are they?” she asked skeptically. “They might be back and all of this might be for nothing, and I don't have enough strength left for another disguise.”
The news drove a dagger in my hesitant heart. Not knowing what to do only made the dagger squirm harder.
“If she's losing energy then she better stop concentrating on her disguise.”
“Hey, can I see Glitterlamp?” I knelt down and rubbed her head wondering if she was going to be alright. “Springdew's been great but I wanted to have a party for Glitterlamp.” Springdew raised a hoof and smacked my forehead.
“Stupid, I don't have split personalities. That's your thing.” She didn't hit me that hard and already her disguise was falling apart like snowflakes. “Are you better now? Not gonna go crazy again, right?” she pleaded with me.
“I'll be fine, I'm more worried about you. Where's the other healing potion?” I asked urgently.
“Healing potions make things better, that's how they work in fantasy video games!” my mind raced.
“It won't work.” She said losing a bit of her voice and gaining back her eerie double voice. “I'm not all that hurt.” She insisted. “I just don't have all that much strength left.” A smile wiggled on her face as she looked up into my eyes. “It'll only be getting less and less at this rate. I guess I lost.” She sighed leaning into me. “At least I got to see a human before the end.”