Twilight’s answer was monosyllabic and loud. “No!”
Rarity got on her knees, a real feat when the castle library’s floor was buried under a layer of scrolls. “Please reconsider, Twilight! It’s Friday afternoon, Mayor Mare is on vacation, and you, as a Princess of Equestria, are our only hope. It’s only for the weekend, and without Spike by my side I can’t possibly—”
Twilight’s wings flapped wildly, blowing scrolls in her and Spike’s faces. “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of! You want me to marry you just for the weekend, and just so you can go to some social club?”
Rarity scowled. “Now see here, Twilight. I’ll admit this isn’t the soundest of plans, but I can’t see why you insist on blowing it out of proportion.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “At his age, it’s barely even legal! Spike, I can’t let you do this. It’s a shallow, terrible idea. Please tell me you—”
Spike dove forward and wrapped his arms around her leg. “Twilight, it’s a wonderful idea! Please marry us? Please let me do this with her?”
“Spike, listen to yourself! It’s completely one-sided. What could you possibly get out of this?”
“Aren’t you always saying we need to help our friends? How is this any different?”
She shook him off her leg and hovered over them. “It’s completely different! You’d be her slave all weekend. Don’t you do that enough already?”
Rarity stomped her hoof. “Twilight Sparkle! I’ll have you know I’ve never forced Spike to do something he’s uncomfortable with, and this is no exception. We talked it over at length, and we agreed that this is what we both want.”
Twilight massaged her temples. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I just can’t believe you could convince somepony to…” Then she saw Spike, looking up at her like she’d torn out his heart. “Spike… Spike, what did she say to you?”
He looked at the floor. “Can we talk for a minute? You know… privately?”
Rarity glanced at the door, the one spot in the library that wasn’t overrun with parchment. “I… I’ll just excuse myself. I’ll be waiting outside if you need me.”
Spike nodded. “Thanks, Rarity.”
Twilight finally landed once she and Spike were alone. She pulled him into a hug. “This is crazy, Spike. I know you like her, but… this isn’t real. It’s all fake. You’re just going to get hurt.”
“Twilight, she didn’t talk me into this,” Spike said.
She stood back and stared at him. “What?”
“Sure, she told me we’d just be married for the weekend and everything, but I said yes right away. Rarity didn’t have to convince me.”
“But…”
Spike gave her a sobering stare. “Twilight, this is a great idea. I get to spend the entire weekend with Rarity, no dressmaking, no distractions, no adventures… just me and her. When am I ever going to get a better shot at her noticing me?”
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut. “Fine. This is a terrible idea, but… fine. Fine. If this is really what you both want, I’ll marry the two of you.”
His leap of joy brought him halfway to the ceiling. “Yes! Thank you, Twilight! Tha—”
“Just get her back in here before I change my mind!”
Spike ran to the door and literally pulled Rarity inside. “She said yes! We’re getting mar—”
Twilight held up a hoof. “Hold it! If this is going to happen, we need to lay out some ground rules.”
Rarity nodded. “Of course, Twilight. I can’t thank you en—”
“Rule number one: this marriage is, by definition, a sham. Spike, you can’t expect Rarity to treat you differently.”
Spike grinned and blushed. “What could possibly be different, just because we’re—”
“Rule number two: this marriage is a sham, but it’s not going to be a one-sided sham. Rarity, you need to actually spend the weekend with Spike. You can’t just strand him in a hotel room while you go off and party. He’s going to be your husband, so you’d better act like you care about his well-being.”
Rarity gasped. “Twilight, how dare you assume I’d abandon him! He’s one of my dearest friends, and I give you my word that he’ll have a lovely time as my husband… within the bounds of decency and reason, of course.”
Spike held up a claw. “Yeah… about that. I’ve… kind of got a special request.”
Rarity scowled at him. “Spike, if you even dare suggest that we consummate the—”
“What? No, no!” His cheeks went so red that the two mares could feel the heat radiating off of him. “It’s nothing like that. If we’re getting married… I want to propose, and exchange rings.”
This time it was Rarity's turn to blush. She stared at Spike and held a hoof up to her mouth. “That… that probably isn’t a good idea, Spikey. What with this being a sham…”
Twilight’s magic lifted them both off the ground. She trotted to the door with them floating in front of her like netted fish. “That’s a fantastic idea! It’ll get you both out of my hair so I can draw up the paperwork.”
Rarity flailed an ineffectual hoof. “But, Twilight—”
“You heard your soon-to-be husband, Rarity. Now get out of here and don’t come back until you’re engaged.”
---
Spike’s drool-covered tongue came within an inch of the jewelry cases, drawing a look of apprehension from Ponyville’s only jeweler.
“Spikey, we’re not in a candy store,” Rarity said.
“Sorry! They just all look so delicious.”
She waved the jeweler over and tapped on the nearest case of rings. “We need to purchase a few… items.”
Spike nodded. “Yeah, an engagement ring and two wedding bands.”
The jeweler gave Spike a second, worried look. “I… see. What style of rings did you have in mind, Miss?”
“No gems on his, for starters,” Rarity said.
Spike glared at her. “Hey, I’d never eat our wedding rings!”
She leaned over the counter and whispered,. “Secondly, it’s important that the rings have an… excellent return policy.”
The jeweler’s next look of incredulity was directed squarely at her.
A few minutes of awkward stares and a few thousand bits on credit later, Rarity held three velvet boxes in her hooves. “Here we are, Spikey. The smallest box is the engagement ring you selected, so if we could please go back to—”
Spike grabbed the box and dropped down to one knee. “Rarity, I’d like to ask you something… something very important.”
She’d seen the ring sitting in the jewelry case ten minutes ago, and tried it on for size twice. Still, when he opened the little box and revealed the shining gold band ringed with sapphires and diamonds, Rarity could feel her heart begin to pound.
He pulled the ring out of the box and held it up. “You mean everything to me, Rarity, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”
She blushed. Sham or no, Spike certainly knew how to put some production into a proposal. It was almost as if he’d been practicing.
“Y-yes, Spike. I’ll marry you, provided—” She held up a hoof to prevent him from moving the ring any closer. “—provided you make the timeframe perfectly clear.”
He bowed down and held up the ring again. “You mean everything to me, Rarity. I want to… guess I have to skip that. Will you marry me for… for…”
“For the weekend?”
Spike nodded and whispered. “…for the weekend?”
Smiling, she leaned down and touched her horn to his forehead. “Yes, Spikey. Yes I will.”
Moments later, Rarity felt the engagement ring slide over her horn and come to rest against her mane and forehead. The weight of it, both physical and emotional, was unmistakable. She could still hear Twilight’s emphatic refusals, and was almost willing to give in to them. Almost.
“Rarity? Are you okay? Can we go get married now?”
Rarity hadn’t realized her eyes were closed. When she opened them, she found Spike standing in front of her, dancing from one foot to the other with a big grin on his face. His excitement was obvious and, she had to admit, slightly contagious. “I suppose we should, Spikey, now that you’ve properly proposed. Shall we proceed with the marriage?”
Thankfully, the jeweler was out of sight as they left the shop. She didn’t want to know what he thought of them, let alone what his reaction would be when she returned the rings the following Monday.
---
When Spike and Rarity returned to the castle, Twilight was in a much better mood. She smiled and welcomed them in, almost as if their previous argument had never taken place.
“Rarity, Spike, come in. I take it that that ring means you’re engaged?”
“We sure are!” Spike said with a big smile.
Rarity nodded. “Indeed. You seem much more… amicable to our arrangement than you did before, Twilight.”
Twilight smiled and shook her head. “Not really, but I decided it’s not worth getting upset over. If this is what you both want, then who am I to stand in the way? Besides, if I don’t marry you, you’ll end up at some sleazy trot-in chapel in Las Pegasus.”
Rarity clenched her teeth. “Your disapproval is noted, Twilight. Now, if you please?”
“Yes, let’s,” Twilight said.
Twilight led them to the center of the library, where she’d set up a small podium in the midst of the sea of parchment. She seated herself behind the podium and produced a long scroll and quill.
Spike shuffled his way to Rarity’s side. “I’m afraid to ask, but why is the library covered in—”
“Emergency filing project,” Twilight said, “Something I expected to have my number-one assistant helping me with all weekend.”
“Eh-heh. Yeah… Sorry.”
“We’ll just sort it all out when this is over. Now, please approach the podium with your… fiancée. We’ve got work to do.”
Rarity gave Spike her hoof and allowed him to lead her to the podium. “Surely there’s just a paper we both need to si—”
Twilight pounded a hoof on the podium. “Do you want to get married or not?” She held up the scroll, which was covered in the tiny script that plagued every legal document. “This is a standard marriage contract with an additional addendum at the bottom; the marriage can be completely nullified with the written agreement of all parties involved. Just sign on your respective lines right here, and we’ll repeat the process when you get back.”
Spike dove forward and grabbed the quill. “You’ve got it!”
Rarity was a tad more hesitant to approach the wall of legalese. Still, she couldn’t let Twilight’s eerily complacent attitude spook her, not when a chance at joining The Blue Pony Society was at stake.
She took the quill with her magic and signed her name on the line labeled ‘mare.’ There was one empty line left, and it was labeled ‘officiant.’
“There we are,” Rarity said. “Now, if you could just add your own signature, Twilight, we’ll be on our—”
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “According to Equestrian law, we have to do a basic ceremony, too. Just stand there and answer the questions. Spike, do you take this mare, Rarity, to be your lawfully wedded wife, and promise to care for her as long as you both shall live?”
Spike grinned. “I do!”
“Great. Rarity, do you take this dragon, Spike, to be your lawfully wedded husband, and promise to care for him as long as you both shall live?”
Rarity looked from Spike to Twilight; the very definitions of glee and annoyance. “Surely the lifelong part isn’t necessary, given the nature of our arr—”
Sparks flew out of Twilight’s horn. “This is the most platonic marriage vow I could find, and I’m not going to butcher it any more than I already have!”
Rarity glared at her. “Very well. I do.”
“Fantastic. I pronounce you dragon and mare. You may kiss the bride.”
Rarity knew that Twilight was expecting another objection, but she wasn’t going to give one. She turned to Spike, who didn’t seem to be breathing, and locked lips with him. She didn’t have much kissing experience, despite what a bookish pony such as Twilight likely thought, but Spike didn’t seem to demand much in the way of technique. Touching their lips together was enough; if he’d been blushing any more, he would’ve burst to flames.
The kiss ended five seconds later, when Spike’s knees buckled. Reducing him to a heap on the floor, and in full view of Twilight, was satisfying for all the wrong reasons. This wasn’t something a lady would do, not under any circumstance. Rarity would have to be on her best behavior this weekend, if only to compensate for this moment of pettiness and malice.
“Here,” Twilight whispered.
Rarity turned to see the marriage contract floating next to her, complete with all the requisite signatures.
Twilight had collapsed on the podium, as if signing her name had sapped all her energy. “You did it, you’re married.”
“Thank you, Twilight.”
“Rarity?”
“Yes?”
“Be… be good to him.”
Rarity smiled. “Of course, Twilight. We’ll have a lovely weekend away, and I’ll return him to you no worse for wear.”
Spike, who was still splayed on the floor, smiled as well. “It’s going to be the best weekend ever.”
Rarity couldn’t argue with that. One of the most exclusive social circles of all, save for royalty, was inviting her in. With Spike by her side, she was going to go places that she’d only ever dreamed of, and so help her, she’d act like a lady every step of the way.