I stood on the thatched roof of someone’s home. I didn’t know who, and I can’t say that I would have wanted to either. It would have only made me falter, even if I doubted what I was going to do would work. I had never been able to put a finger on it exactly, but all I could really say is that it was in their eyes. Those large, cheerful eyes that could see right through me.
I chuckled at my own horrible joke. Of course they could see right through me, what couldn’t?
I took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Now is not the time,” I muttered to myself. I may as well have shouted it, though. It wasn’t like I would be heard. I could have shouted right in someone’s ear, and they would have just walked right on by. I’ve done it before, too. The things I would say to them would have surely earned me more than one smack to the face if it weren’t for my special case.
I shook my head again. It was annoying, but I had developed a tendency to ramble to myself. Although, I can’t say that I don’t still have that same habit. Would anyone blame me for talking to the best conversationalist that I possibly could? Sure, I earned that title by default, but it was still mine. I often joked about being such good conversationalist to my reflection. He always agreed, of course. We got along quite well.
“God dammit, shut up!” I beat my fists on my head to silence the incessant ranting in my mind. “I need to get this over with. Let’s try a swan dive this time, the last one felt a little shaky.”
So, I bent my knees and took another steady breath. I looked straight down at my target, and launched myself as high as I could.
“Hah! I’m flying!” I often said strange things as I fell. At least that time I wasn’t singing “Free Bird” the whole way down.
Reflexively, I closed my eyes before I hit the ground. It was just one of those things I could never shake, a human reaction to falling from a great height. If anyone could have seen me, they might have noticed that my fingers were crossed, as if the simple gesture might bestow upon me better fortune.
It didn’t, of course. I landed with a loud thud, just as every time before. I didn’t even feel any pain, it was more like I had jumped onto a giant pile of pillows. For about two seconds, that is. Then it felt exactly as it should, like dirt and grass.
I stood, and brushed myself off. It was an unnecessary gesture, of course. It just made me feel more normal, and I took every opportunity I could to deny the situation I was in. Even if it meant dusting off my clothes when they were actually spotless.
“Well,” I sighed, “Another day begins, I suppose.”
“Hey there,” I said as I walked by the townsfolk, “Lookin’ horrible today, did you try something new?” My cheerful tone was belied by my words. It was like a sadistic pleasure of mine, phrasing insults like compliments. The best part was that I could say whatever I wanted and no one would stop me.
“Ooh, I hate what you did with your mane today, it looks just terrible.”
“That was one underwhelming bit of magic right there!”
“You look as graceful as a drunken pig when you fly!”
Oh, did I forget to mention that I was in a world full of colorful, talking ponies? Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth. There were even pegasi and unicorns there, if you can believe me. And each of them had some silly symbol on their butt, that told them, and everyone else, what they were good at. I believe I had heard someone call them “Cutie Marks,” but I was never sure.
I can’t say that I didn’t look any further into it because I didn’t want to have to say something as sickeningly childish as “Cutie Mark” every time I mentioned them. Just because I was stuck in a world that felt like a children’s cartoon didn’t mean I had to act like I was.
My mouth curled up into an evil grin as I thought of what the parents would say if I was actually on a show like that. Maybe if I was though, I could get cut from the cast and would finally get to leave.
That’s what my morning ritual was for, actually. Every morning I would wake up, walk around a bit, then try to kill myself. It pretty much replaced breakfast, actually. Whereas all the ponies would be busy with their daisy sandwiches or hay fries or whatever the hell it is they eat, I’d be hanging out on a roof ready to jump. It never worked, of course. If it had, then I certainly wouldn’t be telling this story. My leading theory as to why it never worked was that you can’t kill something that isn’t alive. That would be like trying to make water wet.
Oh, there’s another one of those facts about me that I suppose I should tell you. You see, I’m kind of a ghost. Well, there isn’t a “kind of” to it, I’m definitely a ghost.
You can cut that out right now, I can tell what is going through your mind. I have never once worn a sheet with two eyeholes, thank you very much. I also have legs, and I am pretty sure that no one has ever walked through me, nor I through anything.
That was one of the more amusing aspects, really. I could stand in the middle of a busy street, and all of the ponies would just walk around me. None of them would wonder why they suddenly felt the urge to walk around some random patch of grass, they just did. I particularly enjoyed jumping in front of one of them so they didn’t have time to walk around. They would just come to a full stop, shake their head, and then walk around me. It wasn’t much, but I would take all of the interaction I could get. One of my hobbies that spawned from that was trying to stand close enough to make them stop, but not so close that they didn’t have room to fall. I almost had it once, too. Just a few inches back, I figured, and that silly looking grey pegasus would have done a perfect faceplant.
There was a time when I might have thought it mean to do that to someone as innocent looking as her, but enough time without any real interaction has a way of changing people. But hey, I didn’t need anyone else. I was just fine on my own! I didn’t even feel a things when I would watch the ponies have fun. It’s not like I ever wished that I could just join them, even if I was a human and they weren’t.
That sounds believable, right?
As I walked down the large market street, I pondered what I would do that day. I had a few places that I would regularly visit, mostly the homes of ponies that were particularly fun to watch.
“I could go see that white unicorn girl,” I said, a hand to my chin in thought, “It’s always a good time watching her get all melodramatic.”
It had sounded like a good plan to me, for about a minute. I wasn’t far from, and I only use the word because it is the actual name, her boutique. I shuddered just thinking the word. Such feminine terms didn’t sit well with me. Few things effeminate did, actually. But that wasn’t important just then.
What was important was the fact that I nearly missed her walking straight out of the building, carefully styled mane bouncing as she trotted along. When I spotted her as she passed, I nearly tripped over my own feet. I can’t say I was the most coordinated person, so sudden about-faces weren’t exactly my forte. Recovering from my near fall, I jogged to catch up with her. I could hear her humming a peppy tune when as I kept up with her.
“Where is she going?” I said aloud. Not like anyone could hear me, as I constantly reminded myself. We went right back through the town, almost following exactly the path I took to her residence. In fact, as I thought about it, it was the same path.
I was curious as to where she was going, but that didn’t stop me from my usual insults. Somehow, it just seemed more fun when I had one of the ponies picking my targets for me, even if she didn’t know she had a ghost following her and hurling harsh words at innocent ponies she had just greeted. I guess it was just another one of those games I had.
When we turned the corner, I found myself at the very place my morning had started. I wasn’t sure how I missed it when I picked the building for my daily deadly high dive, but I smacked a palm to my face and groaned when I saw the sign.
“It’s her spa day,” I rolled my eyes at the last two words. Spas were some of the most ridiculous places around. All full of steam and mud and shit. Made no sense to me at all, so it was only natural that I found the whole thing ridiculous.
Yeah, I’ll go with that. It sounds better than saying that I just wasn’t paying attention in the least.
“Hello darling,” I heard the pony say. I looked up from my suddenly disinteresting hand, and saw another of those ponies I sometimes watched.
This one was a pegasus, although I can’t say she really took advantage of the fact. The way she hid her yellow face behind that pink mane, as if someone were going to hurt her, always made me suspicious. There was no way anyone could just be that shy, she had to be hiding something.
Maybe it was some horrible childhood act. Maybe it was a horrendous crime. Or maybe it was her asshole of an ex-boyfriend who would eventually trick her into thinking you were cheating on her because he wanted to get back together with her, even though you would never do such a thing.
You know, that sort of thing.
I shook my head to cleanse myself of those thoughts. I looked around, and found that the two mares I was following had disappeared.
“Nice,” I griped, “There goes your entertainment.”
Turning around, I decided to just wander until I found something interesting. Of course, that was somewhat of a gamble. Some days, that little town would be filled to the brim with activity. Like the time that weird dragon-goat-bat-whatever thing had shown up and made everything just plain weird.
Although seeing that one pony running around trying to eat another’s hair because he thought it was spaghetti was pretty funny. It was too bad those six girls had to go and turn the big hodgepodge thing into a statue. For such nice ponies, they certainly had a cruel streak. I mean, turning someone into stone? At least I could move. The poor guy was probably in some dungeon somewhere, forced to stare at a wall for eternity.
I shuddered at the thought. I certainly would have gone insane if that had happened to me.
I kicked at a pebble, watching as my foot passed over it as per usual. Sighing, I looked up, and found myself standing in front of a small red school house. I always wondered why creatures who didn’t seem too far behind humans technology-wise still relied on a one room schoolhouse system, but I didn’t spend too much time on that thought anymore. I’d had enough of that building some time ago, thank you very much.
You try sitting through day after day of a children’s class and see how you like it. It was the only way for me to learn their language, sadly. They didn’t have a pony version of “Sesame Street” for me to watch, so I found myself in school once more.
It turns out, going back to a first grade class after being a number of years out of high school was definitely the most annoying thing I ever had to suffer. It was bad enough the first time, and at least then I was able to understand the teacher the whole time. But, it was effective. I had managed to learn the pony language, which I later learned was called “Equestrian,” in about a year of classes. I even started to speak it instead of English, just so I could know that if I were somehow heard, the ponies would know that I had just made fun of them.
I turned away from the wretched building. I had learned what I wanted, there was nothing more for me there. Running a hand through my ebony hair, I let out what was another in the countless number of sighs that I would have each day.
I stuffed my hands in my pockets, and slouched a bit as I walked. Posture, and for that matter my appearance overall, held no importance to me when there was no one able to see it. Oddly enough, though, my hair didn’t grow. I didn’t even have to shave, which was not a problem. I grabbed a lock of my bangs, and pulled it down. I would sometimes check the length, hoping for any difference at all. At least if something about myself changed, it could mean something was happening.
What can I say? I am stupidly optimistic sometimes.
I stopped on a small stone bridge and looking into the water. My reflection looked back, a frown stamped on his face.
“Well, don’t you just look ecstatic,” my voice was dripping with sarcasm. I contemplated jumping into the water, but only for a second. It was pointless, really. For whatever reason, if I were in water it would be like I was walking through air. I figured it was part of the whole “I’m a ghost,” thing.
Lucky for me, my bodily functions pretty much stopped. I was never hungry, I never had to go the bathroom, and I never sweated or secreted various other oils that were responsible for making one dirty. Pretty much, I was completely clean one hundred percent of the time. I bet I didn’t even have the normal bacteria that grows on a human. I couldn’t touch anything else, why would microscopic organisms be any different?
“Look out below!” I heard a boyish voice shout. Looking up, I saw yet another of my usual haunting victims, the one that looked like she was made by a six-year old. I mean, seriously, how could rainbow hair be natural? At least all the other ponies chose one or two colors for their manes and stuck to them. But this one just had to be decked out in rainbows.
I watched the pegasus flared her wings in an attempt to slow her crash landing. It wasn’t very effective, of course. She landed on the smooth cobblestone with a loud smack, and I was pretty sure I heard a sickening crack as well.
Casually, I strolled to her side. I kneeled down and looked at her as she groaned. Yup, she had definitely broken something. Her right wing, to be specific. Smashed it right into the side of the bridge when she fell. I was a bit surprised I didn’t see any bone sticking out, considering the angle at which she fell.
I stood back up and leaned against the stone wall of the bridge. I’d probably help were I able, but all I could do then was lean back and watch. An incident like that was sure to generate some attention, anyways. I always did my best to stay near the big events, they were generally my only source of entertainment.
“Rainbow!” a southern-sounding voice called out. I turned my head and spotted an orange pony with a blonde mane running up to the injured pegasus. Not far behind her was her purple friend, her horn glowing in that strange unicorn magic.
“Wow,” I mused, “All of my entertainment seems to be coming to me today.” I watched as the unicorn mare enveloped her blue friend in a magenta glow, and levitated her away.
“Don’t worry, Rainbow. We’ll get you to the hospital real quick!” she said, taking off with her stetson wearing companion beside her.
I could have run after them, but I knew their destination. There was no rush, really. So, I swung a leg around and whistled a jaunty tune, my hands in their usual denim home.
“Maybe I should have kept up with them,” I said to myself, “It might be fun to see the nurses and doctors running around like ants.”
My eyes drifted up in thought, and I said “Nah, too much work.”
A number of the townsfolk were chatting as I walked by, and I caught more than one mention of the injured pegasus. I guess in a small town like that I wasn’t the only one seeking entertainment.
It wasn’t long before I found myself standing in front of the hospital, a big red cross the only real indicator that I was even in the right place. I found it peculiar how the ponies used symbols so often, when I knew for a fact that they had a written language. I never bothered to learn how to read it, seeing it as pointless since I couldn’t even pick up one of the books I’d see around.
I waited patiently by the door, until a pony walked in. It was a pain not being able to open doors on my own, but I learned to live with it. Slipping in with the uninteresting pony, I looked around.
“Damn, they already took her to a room,” I cursed. Looking around, I did a quick round of “eenie-meenie-miny-moe,” and landed on a set of stairs. It was a good thing, too. My destination probably wasn’t on the ground floor anyways.
I managed to catch a nurse as she entered the stairwell. Following close beside her, I took in the painfully white walls of the stairwell. Oddly enough, though, when we exited on the third floor, it wasn’t so white. In fact, it was carpeted. I wondered why a hospital would be carpeted. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense, considering the many possible bodily fluids that could be spilled.
“I feel sorry for the janitor,” I quipped, catching up to the pink-maned mare I was following. Lucky for me, most of the doors were open. It was near the end of the hall that I found my target. She was wearing a typical hospital gown, and her injured wing was completely wrapped up. I walked in, just as the two who had brought her to the hospital walked out.
“We’ll be right back, y’hear? Just gotta go get the others so we can all visit.” I chuckled as the orange pony stumbled before almost walking into me. Shaking her head, she walked around me, only inches from her unicorn companion.
“Why did you do that?” I heard the other ask as they walked away. I didn’t bother to hear the rest, instead choosing to walk in and lean on the windowsill.
Looking at the floor, another one of the odd quirks of my situation came up. It was odd, but I didn’t cast a shadow. I could feel the light on my body, and I could clearly see it, but it was like at the same time it hit me it went right through me. I had given up trying to answer the plethora of questions that arose from that phenomena a long time ago. It didn’t stop me from marveling at the fact, though.
I heard a frustrated sigh from the pony in the bed. “I’m bored already,” she complained, "I hope Twilight gets back with that book soon."
“You don’t know the meaning of the word bored, sister.” I returned. She didn’t reply.
A short while passed in relative silence, only her occasional bored groans breaking it. But just as I considered leaving, the room was suddenly full of technicolor ponies.
“The whole gang’s here,” I noticed. It was just another one of those strange coincidences that all six of the ponies who managed to produce the most entertainment were also close friends. That made for some especially fun times when they all got together. I don’t think I will ever stop laughing when I remember the purple one’s insane episode. I mean, seriously? She went that crazy over one late assignment? I turned in half of my school work late, and I was just fine.
I tuned out their conversation as soon as it turned into repeated assurances that the injured pony would be out of the hospital in no time. Instead, my thoughts turned toward the final member of the group, also known as the one I spent the most time around.
I realize that it is odd that someone like me would willing be near a pony so, well, pink. But she also provided some of the best entertainment. One of my favorite memories was the time that she thought her friends had abandoned her, and went crazy. I mean, come on, “Madame LeFlour?” that’s comedy gold right there.
Is it bad that I find ponies losing their minds so amusing? Maybe I just liked seeing someone else act like I felt. I guess you could say I was living vicariously through them. Great, now I feel like an upper-middle class parent.
There was another reason that I sought out the pink bundle of laughter, though. Out of all the ponies I had stalked in all of my time in Equestria, she was the only one who ever came close to acknowledging my presence. I was never entirely certain if she was talking about me, but sometimes she would say hello to a room that was empty. It was foolish, but sometimes I would hope that she somehow knew I was there, and would just say that in hopes of catching me. My feelings were conflicted, though. I found myself going over them once again in that hospital room, as the six mares conversed nearby.
If she were able to see and hear me, then at least I would finally have someone to talk to. It would be nice having some competition for “Top Conversationalist,” after all. And it would certainly alleviate some of the boredom. It would be nice to have at least something like the friendship I saw among those ponies.
But at the same time, I had trouble trusting her. I had trouble trusting anyone, really. Long story there, I generally don't talk about it.
Nonetheless, though, I found myself wishing for someone to talk to. It never did me any good, not once in my whole afterlife. But that time, I found myself doing something different. Usually, when I would make a wish like that, I’d whisper it under my breath as I looked straight down. But that time, I turned and looked directly into the sun. Sure, it hurt my eyes, but I didn’t care. I had heard more than one pony make a wish to their princess Celeste, or something like that. I don’t know what possessed me to give it a shot, but I tried anyways. I knew that she somehow controlled the sun, so I figured that talking to it held to possibility of reaching her. Well, it made sense in my lonely head at least.
“Dear Princess Celeste,” I whispered and stopped. “No, that’s not right. Her name ends differently.” I pursed my lips in thought for a second, before the light flicked on in my head.
“Dear Princess Celestia,” I corrected, “I wish that I had someone to talk to.”
I gazed into that fiery orb in the sky for a second long, before tearing my eyes away and enjoying the dancing spots in my vision. I turned around, and found that the ponies had cleared out, leaving one pegasus now firmly engaged in a book.
“Hey,” I shouted, “Can you hear me?”
I didn’t receive an answer. Nothing at all to signify that she had even heard me. I scrunched up my face in frustration for a moment, hoping that I could project my emotions onto her somehow. She casually flipped a page in her book.
“Looks like another failure.” I looked down. Remember when I said that none of my bodily functions still happened? Well, that didn’t extend to everything. Despite how much I told myself that I just did not care, there was still a burning feeling of sadness in my stomach.
“It’s too bad the window is closed,” I sighed, “I could really use a dive right now.”
Instead, I undid the snaps on my jacket, revealing the plain white t-shirt underneath. Feeling a particularly bad mood coming on, I flipped the avian pony a bird of my own as I walked out of the room. I heard her laugh, presumably a character in her book had just made a rather funny joke.
Once outside of the hospital, I looked around. “Nope,” I sighed, spotting nothing but average ponies going about their business, “Looks like the universe has decided today is going to be another boring day for me. Would a little variety hurt, universe?”
Perhaps it was because I had been out of touch with society for so long that I forgot one of the cardinal rules of bad situations. Listen close, little ones, because this is a big one. Never, and I mean never should you challenge the universe. ‘Cause honestly, the universe is a cold hearted sadist. I suspect that were I ever to meet whoever was in charge of everything, I’d first punch them in the face, then give them a high five for all the hilarious thing they did.
Right then though, I was mostly just grumpy. Maybe a bit hopeful, too. It could be said that it takes a lot longer than I had spent there to truly kill that little spark of hope. Though for as often as my hopes were raised then thoroughly dashed, I often found myself wishing I could throttle that Pandora bitch.
I looked up from my musings, and found myself in the main market district. A big red earth pony stepped around me, shaking his head as he did. Hopefully, he hadn’t done something funny while I wasn’t looking.
But that wasn’t important just then. What was important was finding some way to occupy my time, other than another one of my “hardcore parkour” attempts. One can never really appreciate just how hard running and jumping is until they’ve fallen from more than a few two-story buildings.
I scratched my chin in thought, wondering just where I could go. I had already seen what three of my usuals were doing, and it was safe to assume that the yellow and white ones would go right back to their spa day.
I had tried haunting the orange one a few times, to little entertainment. Although, maybe I could have some fun trying to make apples fall on her head again. I may not have been able to actually grasp anything, but I had plenty of time to figure out loopholes in my situation. On second thought, I decided against that option. I had never had much success anyways, since every time I tried the apple just refused to move in the slightest.
That left me with two options. I could either sit in a library all day and watch the purple one and her pet gecko-thing work, or I could go watch the pink one’s special brand of chaos as she worked in the christmas-snack themed bakery.
The choice was clear, “Maybe those babies will do something funny again.”