//------------------------------// // And Now I Try Hard To Make It // Story: Nothing Lasts Forever // by Thunderscourge //------------------------------// A/N: Well, it's been a year, but thank you everyone who read this story when I released it and gave it your support. This story is not, in fact, a oneshot, and so here is the second chapter! With the first one as the set up, now this story will delve more into the actual story it is meant to supplement, that being "We Remember Everything". This is Trixie's side of the story, in an abridged sort of sense, and while this chapter is kind of light on the We Remember Everything references it still has them. In any case, I hope you all enjoy, and I do hope to hear your thoughts in the comments below! I love hearing from you all, and it means a lot to receive your support. The “Great and Powerful” Trixie shouldn’t have to feel like this. A few years back I would have been able to buy a gift with all the bits I was making through my performances, not that I was exactly a star back then, but I was well enough off. Do other ponies know what this is like? I have never really borrowed anything, and taking someone’s money to buy them a gift feels like something most foals would have to deal with at some point… Not that I would know by experience, of course. But that’s what makes me feel weird about having gone out and bought the ingredients for this with Princess Luna’s own money. She is quite thrifty in that she doesn’t buy much of anything, but that’s because she is not concerned as much with material things like most other ponies in Canterlot. She has her singular outfit, she doesn’t collect much of anything, and she actively dislikes all of the petty things the nobles here in Canterlot busy themselves with. That’s good and I respect her for it highly, but it severely has limited me when I decided I wanted to get her a gift…so I went with something basic. A cake. Not that I know how to cook one, having lived off the basics solely for over a decade, but someone in town offered me a hoof in my endeavor. When I was a young foal, a bakery owner caught me “liberating” some of their bread, but they took pity on me for looking so starved. They let me eat and stay with them the night, but when they mentioned the possibility of telling authorities about my homelessness I ran from them too. I didn’t know how it all worked at the time, but I believed that I would be sent back to a very angry, violent mother… “Oh, what’s this for?” But years later, whenever I was around, I would stop by the store and actually try to buy the bread, only for the baker to turn me down each time. I hate the idea that he pities me, but I managed to swallow my pride to ask him a favor this time and so here I am presenting a large, crescent shaped cake to Princess Luna. I figured it should be vanilla because it’s the right color and all, though I am not sure I put enough frosting…I personally have never been all that fond of sweets, possibly because I’ve never had the superfluous income to grow a liking for them, but I heard that Celestia loved them, and so hopefully Luna does too. “I…” my words catch in my throat as I think about her question. The reason? The reason is why I am focusing more on the cake itself than anything else… I feel myself blushing beneath my fur as a side-effect of my embarrassment, “Just a thank you gift.” I can’t remember the specifics, but around this time of year… As if to calm my nerves, Luna brought a hoof to my shoulder and gave me a large smile. She completely towered over me, for even if I’m a bit tall for a mare she is an Alicorn, and so even this gentle gesture feels imposing despite her intentions, “I do not have the same sweet tooth my sister does, but thank you. I am sure it will taste wonderful.” “I hope you like it. I haven’t made a cake before…” I mumble as my eyes fall to the ground. Here I am making excuses and covering my bases in case it is bad. She is my teacher and patron after all, and I would hate to lose her favor over a bad tasting gift. Around others I could adopt my stage persona, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to put on that false aura of confidence around her. Is it respect for her title or power that keeps me from boasting and pretending, or is it something else? “Did your family not teach you how to bake?” She couldn’t possibly have known how much that question would hurt before she asked it. To hide the pang I feel in my chest at the mention of family, I begin to retreat from her open doorway. “I should get back to working. I hope you enjoy,” I can hear her call my name as I begin to leave, but for the first time since she has taken me in I purposefully ignore her. “Trixie?” Today’s the day of the year I usually spend alone and remember that I don’t have a family. No known father and a mother who disowned me. Why today though? Today is the day I believe to be her birthday. “Happy birthday!” “I’m a year older. It’s not that special.” “How old are you, mother?” “How old are you?” “Three and a half!” “Multiply that by four.” “What’s multiply?” “Don’t worry about it…” “Trixie?” “Yes mother?” “Thank you. You’re a good girl.” My memories from when I was younger seem to be less and less descript the longer and longer I live, though I understood less about them when I was younger so I suppose there is a balance there. I remember I had stolen some food and gave it as a gift to my mother, who seemed unable to work all the time for some reason. I wish I remembered more about her, but even her words feel distant to me now…I can only remember celebrating that birthday because it was one of the few times she told me I was good. That she hugged me, and one of the only times I can remember sleeping next to her. After giving Princess Luna her gift I went back to practice my magic at the training field she had provided me. She had said I needed to build up some basic strength behind my magic before she would personally teach me advanced techniques and the like, since at my current level I wouldn’t be able to do much if anything with them. What I know I know perfectly and how to apply them in every manner possible, but that doesn’t make me strong like Twilight, who I see walking around the castle with her new set of pretty little wings that she got for making friends from what I hear. Sure, I don’t have friends, but does that mean I’m deserving of being a princess if I somehow do make them? No. And if it’s her saving Equestria that made her worthy, then why aren’t her companions Princesses as well? Of course I feel bitter about that…Twilight already had everything. She came from a good family in Canterlot, she was the student of a princess, and she was born with an abundance of magical potential. She has had everything handed to her on a platter, and now she’s a princess as well! I may have one of those things now, but how did I become a student to a princess? Because I was being assaulted and heckled by a crowd and the princess took pity on me. Not because I’m special, but because she felt sorry for me… These feelings help me as I work on moving boulders of varying size and weight to manually build up my strength bit by bit. Weight lifting for Unicorns is basically how Luna explained it to me, and while plain and basic I understand why. I’m weak, at least in comparison to other magical professionals. Compared to a normal Unicorn I am indeed powerful, but while I am on the same boat as Twilight in terms of what our Cutie Marks signify, we are by no means on the same level. There are of course plenty others who outclass me, but I suppose I should stop using her as a benchmark now that she is an Alicorn now… I swear today’s practice is easier than all the other days I have spent tirelessly working on moving these boulders if only because I am too emotional to feel the strain on my body. Most Unicorns automatically cut off when they feel their magic energy run out, but something I learned as a performer is that you can push yourself that extra bit by tapping directly into your body’s overall energy. In the same way a runner can push theirself past their limit and possibly wreck their overall health for a day by having reached that level of output, a magic user can push further and cause theirself pain in other ways in order to keep using magic. This has helped me in performances that have gone on longer than expected, and as a result of all my work over the years I can rightfully say I have built up a far greater level of endurance than any other Unicorn I know just by fighting through the pain and slowly building my magical pool up piece by piece. The lack of difficulty in each specific task I do in my shows has left me at my level of weakness, but the sheer number of tasks I perform has left me far and beyond among the best in this specific way, and I take some pride from that. It’s what lets me come back here every day and work for hours on end at such difficult tasks as lifting boulders larger than Princess Luna herself…simple, but difficult. Of course, Twilight lifted an Ursa, but I need to catch up bit by bit. “Trixie, is something the matter?” I almost don’t hear Princess Luna as I continue to work on lifting and moving a boulder that has been giving me particular difficulty this past week. With a gasp of relief I let it down to the ground and take the time to breathe. Pain tolerance is the name of my game, but just because I can fight past the pain doesn’t mean it all doesn’t hurt. I give Luna a weak smile to try and divert her suspicion. I don’t want to reveal to her the reason I gave her the cake, “I’m fine.” I put some research into it, but there is no official date of birth for either Princess Luna or Celestia in the records. After all, they preceded our civilization, so us having records would be far odder than not. So, in thanks for helping me off the street and caring for me…I gave her my mother’s estimated birthday. I could try to find my mother’s actual birthday on some record, but I’m not so sure I want to open that page of my life again…though I can’t really move on as much as I want to…if only this all was easier, I might not always feel so bad. As kind as she has been to me, Luna has some blind spots in her normally skilled perception. It’s what let her so open to being betrayed by her lover in recent history, that guy named Loki I think…I think they have made up like any good pair of misunderstood misfits, and can I really blame them? They know the pain the other has felt, and it is not a pain many know or can sympathize with. While partially wary of my assertion, Luna’s partial blind spot about those around her lets her accept my words at face value, “Well then, keep up the good work. Remember, I am here if you need me for anything.” I…I really don’t know how to respond. She’s so good to me. She can be dark, emotional, and serious, the traits which led her to betraying Equestria so long ago, but she has a heart to her. She cares about others, but her investment in others just hurts her in the end when they do not return her emotional investment. If I had a kingdom fear and ignore me despite everything I did to rule and protect it, I would be infuriated too. It is in this way that I find myself in love with her. Not in the way of any romantic interest, something I have never felt before in my life, but in the way that one views another as close to them despite having no blood relation. She has protected me and is caring for me, and so I care about her too…and that is why I am afraid of letting her see how damaged I am. Afraid of possibly letting her down now that I have this innate sense of gratitude and affection for this mare who has turned my life around. “Thank you,” I say simply, trying hard to not gush and let all my feelings out. Princess Luna is tough, and I should be like her. Despite this, I find myself caught off guard for the slightest of moments at the smell and sight of fresh food being hovered above her. She’s been bringing me meals every night, since I tend to not remember to get it on my own when I’m working really hard… Am I wrong to see that as maternal? I don’t even think she realizes it, but it feels as much like I have been adopted as I am being taught. Is that how it is or just a selfish projection though? Seeing something in a way that makes up for what I grew up without. Princess Luna smiles at me as she hovers the food and milk over to me, “I heard your stomach rumble when you gave me my gift,” I take the food with my own telekinesis and gratefully bow my head to her, which elicits a chuckle from her, “You seem to like the basics, so I thought I would bring some by.” My stomach was rumbling? I guess over the years I’ve forgotten to pay attention to that… I feel myself growing bashful again as I try to avoid eye contact, feeling unworthy of the care shown to me, “You didn’t have to do that for me, but thank you.” From the corner of my eye I can see Luna smirk as she gives off a small laugh, “It makes me wonder what Celestia was like when she took care of Twilight’s studies. I wonder if she ever brought her meals like this?” Rumor has it that Celestia is more of a mother to Twilight than Twilight’s own mother…a relationship I would not mind reflecting here, even if I am an adult. Better have someone to care for you late rather than never. I begin to eat the food to regain my strength while also letting some of my disapproval of the smart purple Unicorn shine through, “I would imagine so. Twilight’s a bit heavier than me after all.” Luna does not scold me, having come to understand my jealousy while not actively promoting it, and instead smirks at me, “Trixie, you’re about as lean as possible while still being in the realm of healthy. Everyone is heavier than you.” “I…” am really skinny after years of starving and living on a minimal diet. She’s completely right about that, but I’d rather not have to explain why that is, “I guess you’re right, but surely a bookworm who sits around all day would gain some weight, right?” “I suppose you’re right,” with that she clears her throat and nods her head over to the closest entrance to the castle from this small clearing, “Now, if you need anything, let me know. I have some things I need to prepare for.” “Of course, princess.” My usage of the word princess stops her in her tracks, and instead of leaving she looks back to me and sighs, “You don’t need to be obsequious and practice such sophistry around me. I may be your teacher, but I have everypony else in the castle to be a sycophant to me. I don’t need somepony I actually like to mimic those plebians.” Please don’t be mad… I bow my head in apology to her, a feeling of extreme worry growing in my gut at how she is comparing me to people she doesn’t like. I want her to like me, it’s just that I… “I’m sorry, princess Luna. I just don’t think I can call you anything else…” Not that I don’t want to…but I don’t think you’ll like me using you as a substitute mother. It’s only been a few weeks after all… She seems to understand my dilemma and after a moment nods to me in understanding, “Fine, fine…” she smiles at me briefly before once again moving to leave, “Just know that you could call me Luna if you so pleased. I won’t hold it against you. Princess isn’t my first name.” I bet even if she let me call her mother I would feel too awkward to always do so…unlike other ponies, I don’t want to act grandiose, but I also don’t want to reveal all of my weaknesses and faults either… I almost wish I was able to get over my pride enough to befriend Twilight, for she could probably help me on this matter. For now though I am still indignant over how unfair life is to forgive her for things outside of her control, so I will suffer with my own feelings until I can manage to extend that olive branch. Maybe someday…but certainly not now, before I’ve managed to prove myself against her in some way. “Mommy!” “Mother, Trixie. Not that insufferable derivation you just used.” “I’m sorry.” “I brought home your favorite. ” “Did I do something good?” “I just made some extra money because ponies enjoyed my magic show, so we can afford to eat well for a day.” “Thank you mother.” “Slow down or you will choke.” “I’m sorry…” “You shouldn’t eat it so quickly. I don’t know when the next time we’ll get to eat this well will be.” “Don’t you make a lot of money because you’re famous?” “I…” “I just have some medical bills.” “What are those?” “Just eat. Don’t worry. I’ll explain when you’re older.” … “I love you mother.” “I…” “I love you too Trixie.” Princess Luna had left Equestria to visit her lover Loki, leaving me to handle some of her administrative tasks as well as continue my conditioning. This of course was of no issue to me, since I would do anything to please her, and she does not have nearly half as much the paperwork as Celestia does. Luna’s is mostly concerning matters of security, such as reports of monster attacks which she then goes and handles on her own while everyone else is none the wiser. An unnoticed public service she works on to the knowledge of few, but one that shows that she really is a good pony. She fights hydras, manticores and other such nasty monsters to help ponies she doesn’t even know… Some might say a monarchy does not particularly represent its populace given that it is led by a relative few, but having grown up in one I have grown to understand its relative pros and cons compared to the democracies I hear exist outside of our land. If a nation has a poor or tyrannical ruler, then I can’t defend it at all, but with benevolent leaders such as Luna and Celestia I can see how they are in charge even after all this time. Luna may not be the most popular in the public eye, especially among close minded nobles here in Canterlot, but the two royal sisters really try their best to do what is best for us all. It almost feels far beyond my place to even take Luna’s place in processing this paperwork if only because I respect her enough to know that no job I do with it could equal her own. Still, she spent a little time teaching me how to do it like she would, so I’ve been emulating it to the best of my ability during her absence. Outside of that, my training has been progressing at a dreadfully slow pace because of my own talent or lack there of in the arena of raw magical power. I do not have a particular aptitude for it which is why countless hours across an entire month still leave me weaker than some others might be with a tenth of the training…but I want this, and I have the resolve and toughness to accomplish my goals. Luna said she would be testing me once she returns, and while I do not know if she would be so callous to expel me as a student should I fail, I refuse to even allow that possibility to occur. It’s night, and I can feel the wear and tear on my body as I keep pushing my limits. The further I go on in the week the worse it gets, and since I’m only allowing myself Sundays to rest each successive week is more difficult than the last in terms of the task and my relative physical condition. The Princess gives me the entire weekend to rest, but I sneak in as much training as I can on Saturdays to try and make up for my slow growth in strength. I stay up most nights now, and to be honest I’ve become nocturnal like Princess Luna normally is. I like that we share that now, and I like also that it keeps me from interacting with others in the castle. They are all either sycophants or hidden gossipers who had ties to the dreadful Canterlot elite who did nothing of value and paraded themselves around like they were actually special. They don’t know what true work is like, and I detest them for it, just like they now detest me after my disgrace. At least their heckling offered me this opportunity of a lifetime, and I am going to seize it while I still can. I have a good home now, and someone who cares about me. That’s more than I’ve ever had, since the crowds who once adored me were nothing but fakers who loved me while I was popular and abandoned me when my reputation was tarnished. For the first time in my life, I have something more than just basic survival and my ego to live for— “And what do we have here?” Of course my inner thoughts in this moment of rest between exercises had to be interrupted by somepony. Somepony who, while I had no recollection of meeting in person, was quite infamous in the papers for their rotten personality. I only read those papers because they were defaming me, although I can’t fully fault them, but it seems the other articles I read will now pay off. Prince Blueblood himself had seemingly decided to stop by to see what the sounds coming from the courtyard were. Lucky me. I notice that my silver-blue hair is dangling in front of my face, and not wanting to appear like some ruffian I flip it to where it should be as I look away from Blueblood and back at my boulder I’ve been working with. It likely would make for better conversation, I reckon, since if even an ounce of what I’ve read is true and what I’ve heard from Luna about him is true, this stallion is a bastard through and through. “Begone, knave. Trixie has no time for you.” “What are you even doing in our royal gardens, commoner?” Blueblood scoffs, ignoring my request for him to leave. Oh great. I know I wasn’t exactly polite, but it’s interesting how someone can display their entire personality in a single sentence like that. What a shallow creature. I continue to not look at the idiot as I continue my training, a more impish part of my mind contemplating batting him with the boulder to remove him from the premises, “I am Princess Luna’s student now, or has the Great and Powerful Trixie’s presence in the castle not sunk into your thick head these past weeks?” Luna might make me feel nervous and insecure, but this fool is not her. I won’t give him an inch. The supposed prince stamped his hooves down in anger and his horn lit up threateningly, as if he would actually use it, “How dare you insult your prince like that!” I can’t help but guffaw at his childish display, “Oh please, you’re no prince. You haven’t earned a thing in your life you overweight fool,” I finally glance over back at him and give him a demeaning sneer, “Trixie reads the tabloids, and you only have a title because mommy’s family earned it.” “Speak of my mother again and I will-” While I can sympathize with having affection for a mother nowadays, I’m not going to let up on him because he has a single redeeming feature. I continue my sneer as I lower the boulder to the ground, ignoring my initial gut feeling of wanting to let a sigh of relief escape my lips. I don’t want to let him see me as weak, “Will what? You have no power, and my teacher is the princess. Trixie will continue insulting you until you leave her presence, dimwit.” Blueblood seemingly thinks himself clever as he looked around and speaks, “Your princess is not here! What could she possibly do to scare me?” Oh he has no idea. “Make you tomorrow’s target practice?” I yawn as I retrieve one of the scrolls Luna left me from the ground nearby and levitate it over to Blueblood, unraveling it in front of his face so that he could read it…if he even could read. Blueblood narrows his eyes and seemingly beings to observe the scroll. Proving my suspicions about his intelligence correct, he ends up reading it aloud to himself in a slow manner as if he really is having trouble reading it. “I, Princess Luna, hereby decree that if the pseudo prince known as Blueblood, or any of his malcontent Canterlot friends, attempts to interrupt my student Trixie Lulamoon’s training he or they will be punished in the following manner…” I can’t help but laugh at him from across the courtyard. Luna, given her opposition to the petty people in Canterlot’s court, had planned ahead in case any of them tried to harass me in her absence. This is as funny as when I first read the decree to myself after Luna left, having been curious about what all the scrolls left for me were for. “Go on,” I taunt, knowing that this fool brought this on himself. He really should just leave if he knows what’s good for him. The pseudo prince swallows his breath as he continues on with my teacher’s glorious decree, his face growing more anxious with each word, “…the offender will be shaved completely, coat and mane both, and have a bull’s-eye tattooed permanently on their barrel. They will then be forced to act as the target for the following day’s practice and every day there forth until my return, at which time their punishment will be increased or decreased according to my judgment.” I’m too busy laughing to the point one might call it a cackle to actually give a verbal response after he finishes, so Blueblood is left to growl to himself as the scroll rolls back up and returns to where I had it originally. “This is ridiculous! She can’t possibly have this done!” he complains as loudly and pathetically as he could, not caring that it was getting late and there would be some who were likely sleeping in the castle. He’s too stupid to understand common courtesy after all. Still, it would be best if he leaves so I can continue working, so I narrow my eyes and grin smugly at him. If I anger him enough he’ll just go away, “You want to try her? Word is she hates you in a most wonderful way,” I once again look away from the disgrace so that I can give an insulting yawn, “Though, if you want to stay, the Great and Powerful Trixie could always use a good target.” “I will not stand for this!” I hear Luna likes messing with him like this too, and I can see why. He comes, makes a fool of himself, and with a witty retort you can cheer yourself up. As a demonstration… “Then take a seat, Trixie doesn’t care. Go be self important somewhere else. Nopony cares about you, and nopony ever will so long as you act like such a foal.” I can see a glint in his eyes that seems to show that he’s going to try and retort, though I doubt it’ll be any good, “Says the disgraced magician! Tell me, however did you manage to beat that Ursa Minor?” Oh yes, as if every other pony has not already played that card on me when they want me to feel bad. What a pathetic fool. I wish someone would put him out of my misery at this point, since all he’s doing is disgracing himself. I scoff at him again, knowing his words to be true but able to ignore them for the moment given their source, “A worthy insult, if it wasn’t being levied by such a fool.” “Is the gross and pitiful Trixie sad that she was bested by Celestia’s student, Twilight?” he mocks, only for me to roll my eyes and return fire. This is really all too easy. “Are you sad that she is actual royalty now, unlike yourself?” I retort pointedly, much to his chagrin. I bring a hoof to my chin as I continue her derisive commentary, “Come to think of it, what happened the last time a princess took a pony under her wing? Taught them magic?” My message seems to get Blueblood, as he seems taken aback by it. By no means do I actually expect Luna to make me an Alicorn and princess, as that is a silly reward for learning magic, but it’s enough to make Blueblood realize that I actually posed a legitimate threat to him in terms of social status because I could hypothetically become a princess. At least Twilight’s ascension gave me fodder to fire away at this plebian. Still, he puts on a tough face as he tries to play it off like my claim is completely ridiculous, “Hah! As if you could ever be a princess!” I can accept that. I did not sign on to do this apprenticeship with that in mind, nor do I expect my stern but caring teacher to be that level of generous. Still, there is the possibility. And the possibility means everything at this moment as I continue to intimidate this lowlife, “Maybe, but are you really willing to piss me off in case I do?” I am by no means skilled at teleportation, usually feeling sick and worn out after a single short teleport, but I can put myself through that future pain just to scare him off. He’s wasting my time and distracting me after all. So, I teleport right in front of Blueblood to catch him off guard just as he attempts to respond to me. I lean close to him with narrow eyes as threatening as she could manage. I’m so done putting up with this foal and his disrespect, especially since it’s all coming from uptight nobodies here in Canterlot. “Get out of here. If you return I will have your punishment carried out. If anypony comes here to heckle me they will suffer the same fate. Know this, I am here to stay, and if anypony tries to ruin this for me I will do everything in my power to make them regret the day they crossed me.” I lean in even closer to his face, and the closer I get the more I realize something about it feels familiar. I can't place a hoof on it, but I don't really care either. “Understood?” he cowers back and gives me a meek nod, allowing me to continue and pull back from his face, “Good. I am done with you, wretch.” Mission accomplished, Blueblood scurried off in actual fear of the multitude of threats levied at him. Now alone again, I find myself smiling at how he ran off. “You’re right, princess. This does feel good!” After a moment of self righteous pride in my success of driving him off, I am hit by a realization about something that he had said. I’m a failure. He’s right. I lower my head and bring one hoof to rub my other leg, “If only that fool wasn’t right…I’m a washed up magician with nothing else.” I do not have the selflessness of my rival Twilight, nor have I saved Equestria on multiple occasions. I have no friends and, outside of Luna, I have nopony to rely on at all. I know I am not cut out to be a public icon like Twilight is in her natural radiance, and that I will never be able to ascend to her level. But that does not mean that I can not be happy with being the student of Equestria’s princess. That I could not find happiness in what I can achieve despite it all. Luna… “Please…come back soon.” I don’t have anyone else.