//------------------------------// // Chapter 7: Sexy and the Mares Know It // Story: Ponyville Bachelor Auction // by Captain Unstoppable //------------------------------// Chapter 7: Sexy and the Mares Know It Mac rubbed his forelegs against one another as the crowd cheered for him, a shy smile on his face despite his ears being plastered to his head, both from exertion and embarrassment. As strong as he might be, standing on stage in front of an entire crowd shook his nerves like no other. Slowly, he started to remove the log from the stage as a few mares gave out a few final cat calls. The curtains swung closed behind Mac just as Carrot Cake stepped back on the stage. “Settle down there, mares. I would like to thank our judges again for giving their much appreciated view on the talents that these stallions had to share with us. Do you have any final words?” Fancy Pants stood up from his seat and cleared his throat. “Stallions of Ponyville and beyond, never have I been so delighted as to judge such a show. All of you are a gold mine of talent and so much more. Out of all the stallions here however, I can only say one of them had truly shown the greatest virtues of being a stallion. And so I must highly recommend to all mares out there to bid on... Thunderlane!” A wave of cheers rose up from the crowd. Fancy adjusted his monocle one more time, gave a humble bow, and left the stage. As he left, Rarity sashayed to center stage, drinking in the attention and the spotlight. “This front row seat did help me narrow my own decisions,” she began, running a hoof through her mane, “but I simply can’t endorse just one stallion. Macintosh easily proved why he would be such a catch with that demonstration of strength and brain, while Soarin captivated a few hearts as well with that simply divine voice of his! Then there was little Spikey-Wikey and his juggling act. Though it scared me something awful, he has truly shown that though he may be a baby dragon, he is more than mature enough to win the heart of some lucky mare... or filly,” she added, giving a wink to her profusely blushing little sister. “Thus, I encourage all my fellow mares to bid with your hearts desire, and may fortune smile upon you!” Rarity gave a final bow to the audience, before she too left stage and made her way back to her friends in the crowd. “There is only one clear winner to me!” Pinkie shouted, jumping from her seat and onto the table. “He was the most handsome, talented, and funny pony ever!” “She is really taking this crush on Caramel to new heights, isn’t she?” Rainbow asked, as she and the others watched Pinkie bounce in place. “Well… I guess all is fair in love and war,” Twilight said sheepishly, trying to hide her own embarrassment for her friend. “Who is it, Pinkie?” Carrot finally asked, after watching her bounce around for a few more seconds, his eyes following her every move and showing signs of motion sickness from watching her. “Eeyore!” Pinkie declared, as she stopped bouncing to stare out into the audience. A silence washed over the crowd. One could have heard a pin drop in Canterlot. All eyes were completely fixated on Pinkie as she stood there, her blue eyes shimmering due to the stage lights. “Um… Pinkie, Eeyore is—” “I know he’s a donkey, so don’t tell my dad okay? He’s not as accepting as other ponies! But I’m sure he’ll warm up to him!” Pinkie squeed as she bounced over to Carrot and gave him a peck on the cheek. “You're the bestest uncle ever!” A final bounce towards the crowd, and Carrot was alone on the stage. Carrot Cake just watched after Pinkie, his face seeming to contort upon itself before he gave a fierce shake. Clearing his throat, and pulling at the bow tie around his neck, he turned to face the audience again with a large grin on his face. “Alright mares! It’s time for the final segment of this show before the bidding! The swimsuit competition!” Carrot Cake’s voice boomed. “But first, let me introduce our judge for this segment. I give you the Princess of Love herself: Princess Cadance!” “What?!” Twilight shouted, as her sister-in-law started to walk across stage, waving to the many cheers. From behind the curtain, Shining Armor scowled while watching his wife take the stage. Cadence just continued to wave, despite how her sister and husband were acting. “Thank you so much for asking me to be here. While I, myself, am off the market, that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a stallion’s looks,” she said, laughing into her hoof. Shining, on the other hoof, could be heard slamming his head against the railing of the royal box. “Well, we are glad you are here for this your highness!” Cake said, giving a light bow. “This final part will seal the fate of many of these stallions tonight, so without further delay please welcome back to the stage, the Cowcolt of Appleoosa: Braeburn Apple!” The velvet curtains started to be pulled back, but instead of an empty stage as before, there was now a large brown staircase that curved from left to right with golden accents. At the top of the staircase was now a doorway with a red curtain sealing it. As soon as his name was called, Braeburn came bursting through the curtain, rearing on his hind legs. At the drop of a hat the entire crowd started to cheer for the country stallion as he started to make his way down the steps. “Braeburn! Where is your swimsuit?!” Carrot shouted. Braeburn was not wearing anything one might consider swimming attire, but instead a pair of dark brown chaps and his signature hat. Braeburn just laughed as he took his time to get to the bottom of the stairs, making sure to give the mares ample time to admire him. “Aw shucks, we were supposed ta be wearing swimsuit? I just plum forgot,” Braeburn said with a flick of his tail and winked at the audience. To the surprise of exactly nopony, the mares started to cheer louder as Braeburn sashayed his way down the the steps, letting his hips sway back and forth to give them all a good look at the goods. Carrot shook his head as he pressed a hoof to his forehead. “Sure you did, Braeburn… sure you did.” Cake mumbled as Braeburn found himself at the bottom of the steps. “Now just stay there, Mister Apple... and please keep your tail down.” Braeburn tipped his hat to the crowd, followed by the screams of many mares. Shaking his head. Carrot cleared his throat and tried to once more bring the ever wild crowd under control. Cadance just giggled into her hoof as she watched Braeburn’s descent and showing off to all the mares. “My, my. It seems like somepony has a lot of spirit,” she laughed as she admired Braeburn’s frame. “It seems like Apple stallions are just genetically built to be some of the best looking ponies. I shall give you a nine out of ten.” “Alright!” Mister Cake said as the lewd cheers died down. “Please remember there are more stallions back there ready to capture your hearts, or in this case a dragon! Welcome the Ponyville’s Number One Assistant: Spike the Dragon!” As his name was called, Spike came walking out of the doorway, throwing the curtains back as far as he could to give him more of a dramatic look. The young dragon then proceed down the stairs, his claws on his hips with what he must of thought as a heart stopping smile. “And here is Spike, sporting a pair of emerald green swimtrunks,” Carrot announced, as Spike walked down the steps to the applause of the audience. He waved to the audience a bit as he stuck out his chest. Eventually, his eyes look to the judges table, but his face fell once he noted the lack of a certain judge. “Aww… I thought Rarity was still a judge. I really wanted her to see me in my new swim trunks,” Spike huffed, slowly making his way down the stairs, his face looking absolutely defeated as he did so. When he reached his designated step to stand on, Braeburn hooked a foreleg around him and pulled him close. “Don’t worry their, little buddy. She and the rest of them fine mares can see you just fine!” The crowd gave out a roar of cheering agreement. Spike’s scales grew slightly red as he waved out to the audience with Braeburn.   “Oh Spike, you are so cute,” Cadance said, making the dragon’s blush grow deeper. “You are so adorable in those swim trunks. It reminds me of the time I had to help Twilight give you a bath when you were just a baby. Oh, you always put up such a fit when ever we tried to scrub your—” “Uh… Ah don’t want ta be rude yer majesty, but Ah’m afraid if Spike’s face turns any more red, it’s gonna stay that way,” Braeburn interrupted, as Spike held his face in his claws shaking his head while the crowd laughed. “Oh dear me, I’m so sorry, Spikey! A seven out of ten!” Cadance announced, trying to give Spike an apologetic look as the crowd cheered on. The dragon just continued to hide his face, wishing that he could be anywhere else but on that stage. “Let’s keep this show rolling people! Please welcome back the Co-Captain of the Wonderbolts, and Equestria’s most Eligible Bachelor for the last three years: Soarin Nimbus!” Cake shouted, and once more the curtains to the door flew open. Soarin jumped out, wings fully extended. He was flashing that a cocksure, teasing grin, complete with a raised eyebrow that one could see in almost any Wonderbolt poster. “Soarin is showing off that athletic figure with a pair of dark blue swimtrunks, sporting the Wonderbolt’s logo,” Carrot commented, as Soarin began his own descent down. However, while concentrating on flashing that sinful smile and trying to look his best, Soarin did not pay attention to the stairs, and one misstep later, Soarin went tumbling down the stairs. The crowd gave a collective gasp as Soarin fell head first down the first flight of stairs. It looked like there was not a single step that didn’t smash into Soarin’s head as he fell. With a final dull thud, and a sound not unlike two coconuts banging together, he came to a painful stop on the first landing... with his flank high in the air and his tail drooping over his face. All ponies watched in collective silence as Soarin slowly righted himself, shaking his head hard as he fully stood up. “We’re good!” Soarin shouted, smiling once again as he spread his wings as to make sure they were alright. As the crowd cheered for Soarin’s recover, a certain apple farmer gave out a sigh of relief, a single orange hoof clutching her breast. This act did not go unnoticed by her friends, who began to circle her like sharks smelling blood in the water. “Oh? Were you worried about your Playcolt?” Rainbow teased, flicking Applejack’s mane with a wing. Applejack’s face instantly went instantly red as she tried to push Rainbow Dash off of her. “He ain’t ma playcolt! Ah was worried about a friend!” Applejack spat back, trying to keep her distance. “But imagine if he was hurt darling,” Rarity cooed. “You could have nursed him back to health all by yourself.” She slunk towards Applejack’s other side, boxing her in. “All that time alone with him, uninterrupted, just imagine all the possibilities,” Rarity whispered, before giggling. Apparently, it didn’t take the honest farmer much time to imagine the possibilities Rarity was thinking of, as her face quickly flashed a shade of red that would make her brother proud. “Shut up!” Applejack shouted, but she was drowned out by the cheering of the crowd and the laughter of her friends. All the while Soarin had made it to his own step right above Spike, trying his best to look like he was still in control and not wincing in any sort of pain. He was an athlete who had been in several crashes. The only thing that was in real danger of being hurt was his pride. “I guess that just goes to prove that we all can’t be perfect,” Cadance said, as she observed Soarin standing there. “Celebrities and athletes are always a filly’s first crush, and seeing them mixed into one is always a pleasure,” Cadance remarked, and as she did Soarin turned to her and gave her a wink. “And married mares secret crushes,” she giggled, knowing that Shining must be going nuts watching this, but it was all in good fun. “A nine out of ten for you as well, Mister Nimbus” The crowd once again broke out into cheers as Soarin gave a slight bow to the Princess. “Alright, alright settle down. You mares still want to see the rest of them don’t you?” Carrot asked, to which he was greeted by another round of cheers and whistles. “Well then, please give it up for the master of poetry and the strongest pegasus you will ever meet: Bulk Biceps!” As Carrot announced the arrival, the curtains flew open once more, a growing tradition it seemed like, to reveal Bulk Biceps in all his glory.   “YEAH!” Bulk shouted, as he flexed on the top of the staircase, showing off the large muscles he had worked so hard for. Though, unlike all the stallions before him, Bulk was not greeted by a roar of applause, but instead a dead silence as all eyes fell on him and what he was wearing. More specifically, what he was barely wearing. A black. Tightly fitting. Speedo. But more than that, his fur glistened under the harsh spotlight. Bulk had took a trick from his time on the bodybuilding circuit and oiled himself up. Every bulging vein, every popping muscle, every crevice was shiny and flexed. Bulk stood there on top of the staircase flexing, seeming unaware of the dead silence that was focused on his chosen article of clothing. Several mothers had already placed a hoof in front of the foals eyes, as others shamelessly stared at Bulk. The silence seemed to go on for an eternity until… Pomf! Cheering and whistling seemed to explode out of nowhere as Bulk made his way down the steps, flexing his muscles all the while and shouting ‘YEAH!’ at every possible time. As the crowd was distracted by the flexing stallion, five sets of eyes fell upon a yellow pegasus that was desperately trying to get her wings back under control. “Oh my…” whispered Rarity as she looked at the now crimson face Fluttershy. “Might you be reconsidering your bidding?” She asked, taking a few steps towards Fluttershy, who was desperately trying to hide her face within her mane. Fluttershy’s wings twitched uncontrollably as she tried to bring them back under control. “I guess Fluttershy has a thing for big strong stallions,” Rainbow teased, as she poked her friend’s shoulder. “First Braeburn, now Bulk, she just wants a pair of big strong forelegs to wrap around her,” Rainbow laughed, as Fluttershy shrunk. “Says the mare goin’ after ma brother,” Applejack intervened, giving Rainbow Dash a hard jab in the ribs. “The strongest stallion all of Equestria.” It was now Rainbow’s turn to flush beet red. “Hey, I haven’t decided yet, or if I’m even going to bid! If you were a pegasus, you would pop a winger every time Soarin was in eyesight!” Rainbow shouted back, and before long the two mares were locked in a glaring match that would make some of the stallions in the auction cower. While they argued, however, Bulk Biceps had made it to his spot right above Soarin and was still flexing. The other contests just looked up at Bulk, in a mixture of jealousy for how much more attention he was getting, and horror for what he had on and being so close to him. “Well now, that was not something I was not expecting,” Princess Cadance said, looking at Bulk’s flexing form. “Then again, this is a stallion who keeps surprising us with the most interesting of tastes. A ten out of ten for that body I will have to say,” Cadance said, holding up the sign and grinning at the flexing stallion. “Just don’t stop flexing,” she added, giving a playful wink to the stallion. At once, Bulk’s face went completely red, and Twilight swore she could hear the grinding of Shining’s teeth from the royal box. “Honestly, between the crying, singing, math, and dueling I don’t think I can be surprised ever again,” Carrot said, shaking his head as he looked down at the microphone. “So without further delay here is the heartthrob of Canterlot: Prince Blueblood!” As his name was announced, Blueblood slipped his head out of the curtains and looked around, his nose looking as if he had never been hit. After a short look, Blueblood gave a seductive smile and a wink to the audience before slipping back behind the curtains and then throwing them open. Blueblood was dressed in a tight purple lycra one piece, that hugged his body perfectly, showing off his impressive physique. Blueblood proceed to trot down the steps, his head pointed slightly upwards and eyes closed as he walked. He took exaggerated steps, stretching out his legs as far as he could with each step. Stopping at the first landing, he flipped his hair to-and-fro, showing off his golden mane before proceeding to his spot right behind Bulk. The crowd sat in complete silence, watching Blueblood as he walked down the steps. It was hard to imagine that such a jerk could look so sexy at the same time. Even Rarity, the target of Blueblood’s aggression, could not hide the pink in her cheeks as she watched the stallion. For as shallow and pretentious as he could be at time, Prince Blueblood knew how to make an entrance and the crowd ate it up. Almost no pony, except the ones who knew him personally, could deny his presence on stage and what that swimsuit did to show off his body. Cat calls were made toward the prince as he stood there, smiling that impossibly white smile, basking in the glory that was him. The applause for Blueblood’s entrance could only be described as deafening. One could almost not hear themselves think as the crowd went berserk for the good looking prince, as though all his recent digressions were forgiven for just showing off his body in such a way. Blueblood blew kisses to a few mares in the crowd, followed by a flirtatious wink. As rugged or talented as ponies like Braeburn and Soarin, they could never come close to a prince’s charm. As the applause slowly began to die down, focus came back to the Princess of Love as she stared at Blueblood, one of her eyes slightly twitching as she did so. Her mouth opened a few times as she tried to talk, but no words came out as she sat there. “I… I just don’t know what to say,” she said, shaking her head and rubbing the temples of her head with her hooves. “He’s my cousin and to judge him on that is just kind of, well… ew…” She continued to look at Blueblood, as he kept blowing kisses out to the crowd. “I guess I have to give him a eight out of ten.” Cadance finally announced, to the much approval to many of the mares in the audience. “And take a very hot shower tonight,” she murmured. “Now don’t go spending your bits in one place, ladies,” Carrot Cake interjected, his voice cutting through the cheers. “We are now at the halfway point with all these wonderful stallions! Please put your hooves together for Ponyville’s Premiere Prince Puncher: Thunderlane!” At those words, Prince Blueblood’s face scrunched up into a hideous scowl as Thunderlane emerged from backstage. Thunderlane appeared with his wings flared, in a pair of golden swim trunks that matched his eyes perfectly. Like the stallions before him, Thunderlane made his way down the down the steps to a roar of applause, but with each step he gave an obvious limp. He was forcing a smile as he made his way down, and gave a slight wince of pain as he placed pressure on one of his front hooves. The crowd didn’t seem to notice his discomfort, as they were too busy enjoying ogling over the physique of a athletic stallion. But one mare in particular did notice the stallion’s limp, and with each step she felt it tug at her heart strings. “He is still going on like that?” Rarity gasped, as she watched as Thunderline made it to his own spot right behind Blueblood, who refused to look in Thunderlane’s direction at all. “Redheart should've had him sit out this round,” she continued, just shaking her head as Thunderlane gave a wave with his bandaged hoof. “Tall, dark, and handsome? How are you still a bachelor?” Cadance asked, batting her eyelashes at the pegasus, who meeky rubbed the back of his head. “And those eyes, if you don’t get a date by the end of this I might have to take you out myself,” she added with a laugh, making the poor stallion’s face turn a shade of red that his dark fur could not contain, and making a certain white one give a roar of jealousy.  “Ten out of ten for you,” Cadance giggled, holding up the card the score. As always, the crowd began to cheer for the score as the stallions on stage continued to show of their bodies in anyway possible to keep themselves relevant. Soon, Cake’s voice cut through the applause with every intent of keeping the show going as scheduled, or at least as scheduled as events could be in Ponyville. “Don’t forget about the other stallions in the back, mares, each one ready to come out here to impress you! Give a warm welcome to the Studly Sarge with a Mouth: Tweak!” Marching right from behind the curtains, Tweak stood at attention at the top of the steps dressed in dark green P.T. shorts. As the cheers erupted from the crowd, he began marching down the steps, looking straight ahead as if he had blinders on. As the crowd cheered, a single figure jumped up from the crowd and hovered above them all. “You can all shut up! He’s mine!” Cloudchaser shouted, as she locked on to Tweak. His lips curved ever so slightly as he kept on marching down the steps till, as like all the others, stood on his step looking out at the crowd. “Hmm… it looks like my judgement might not be needed on this one after all,” Cadance teased, as she looked at the Pegasus in the air. “One has to admire the military body after all, and the... stamina that goes with it,” Candance rubbed her chin as she looked Tweak over before a smile appeared. “A seven out of ten!” Tweak gave a short salute as the crowd once again began to cheer for the score, while Cloudchaser floated back to the ground, satisfied her claim was made. “Looks like the bidding has already begun,” Carrot laughed, pulling at his necktie a bit. “So next up, put your hooves together for the Rocking Royal Guard: Flash Sentry!” Before the curtains could even be opened, the crowd broke out into a frenzy over the stallion. The curtains were slowly pushed open, and a meek smiling Flash Sentry walked out dressed in a pair of dark blue swimtrunks. As the cheering continued, Flash’s face gradually became less nervous. Spreading his wings, Flash began to trot down the steps turning to the crowd and smiling widely. As his movements began to become bolder, Twilight’s cheeks started to grow a deeper shade of crimson. “I guess you can say he is—” “Keep walking!” Shining Armor barked above the crowd, effectively silencing them all, except the sound of Twilight facehoofing. Instantly Flash’s wings folded in next to him and he straightened up. “Sir! Yes, sir!” Flash shouted, as he marched to his spot in the stairs and faced forward without making another movement to displease his higher up. Shining gave a snort before sitting back down, however, as he did he did not notice the glare that was being directed at him from his wife. “Well, that was certainly a change,” she said slowly, looking back at Shining Armor who looked all too proud with himself. “From what I saw, however short, I must say that Flash Sentry’s body is definitely that of Royal Guard. A nine out of ten for you, and might I add that you have an impressive... wingspan,” she add in a flirtatious manner. Several cat calls were made as Cadance turned to a fuming Shining and winked at him.     The former Captain of the Guard’s face turned red in anger, directing his own glare at the orange Pegasus on stage who was visibly sweating. Only Twilight was aware of the glaring match, as the rest of the crowd cheered for Flash Sentry, a few groups even whispered guesses as to what his wingspan was. Mister Cake on the other hoof just shook his head, contemplating why he had even volunteered to be master of ceremonies. “Well, Flash, I wouldn't want to be in your situation right now,” Carrot laughed, as the crowd gave a final round of applause. “But as they say ‘the show must go on,’ and go on it will! Please, let me reintroduce the Bruised Bruiser: Shock n’ Awe!” The crowd started to applaud as Shock n’ Awe made his way out onto the stage. He was wearing a pair of bright red swim trunks, and had several bandages wrapped around his head. Still, he smiled out to the audience and he made his way down the steps, swishing his tail back and forth as he walked earning him a few whistles himself. With the stairs filling up with all the eligible bachelors, it only took Shock a few steps to reach his spot right next to Flash. Taking his spot, Shock waved to the crowd of ponies while trying to flex, though his muscles came no where near magnitude of Bulk Biceps. “Quite the threshold for pain you have,” Cadance noted, looking at the bandages around his head that had a slight tinge of red forming around the forehead. “I would have thought you would be down for the count after that little stunt you pulled.” Shock merely chuckled as he ran a hoof across his bandages. “It’s going to take a lot more than a concussion to keep this pony down,” Shock responded, though flinching slightly as he touched his bandaged head. “Besides, I’ve got the stamina to get through any situation, and I do mean any.” Shock gave a wink to the princess, either ignoring or not noticing the pure death glared at him from her husband. “Quite,” Cadance said, shaking her head at the stallions. “Well, I’m going to have to give you a six out of ten. It’s obvious you have a body of a guard, but seeing that you're so willing to injure it isn’t a trait I can see a mare enjoying.”  With that, Cadance held up her card and the crowd cheered in her decision. Shock only shrugged as he looked back out at the audience and waved some more. “Let’s keep the ball rolling! Three more stallions to go!” Carrot shouted, to much of the approval of the crowd. “Let’s bring back on stage the Master of Ventriloquism: Caramel!” Upon hearing his name, Pinkie started to bounce in place, an unnatural smile breaking out across her face. “Ooo! I hope Eeyore is with him!” Pinkie squealed. “How cute would it be to see him in a tiny pair of swim trunks?” she added with a giggle as she focused on the curtains on top of the stage. Soon enough, Caramel emerged from behind them, unable to hide the redness of his face as he walked down the stairs. He smiled weakly to the crowd, making no attempt to show off his body, in fact almost trying to hide himself from the ogling mares, and looking just as nervous as Mac has been each time he went on stage. He wore a pair of purple swim trunks that were just a bit too baggy for his as he stood next to Shock. “Oh, there’s no need to be so nervous,” Cadance cooed, as she looked up at the stallion on stage. “You’re quite the handsome stallion, and any mare would be lucky to win a date with you.” At her words, Caramel’s face just continued to grow a darker shade of red. To this effect, Cadance just giggled as she held up her score. “A six out of ten for you as well!” Applause rang out as the shy pony just shuffled his hooves together, wishing the spotlight off himself. “Indeed, but I don’t think our next stallion will have any problem being in the spotlight for too long. Help me welcome back to the stage, the Master of Time: Time Turner!” The crowd was launched into a frenzy yet again as the curtains were pushed back and Time Turner appeared, adjusting his necktie in the spotlight. He was wearing a pair of black swim trunks as he started to make his way down the stairs, giving a flip of a mane as he walked. Unlike Caramel, he seemed to be genuinely smiling, just happy to be there and getting the chance to actually be the center of attention. Finding his spot behind Caramel, he gave a bow to the audience before putting his foreleg around the more nervous pony and waved to the crowd. With his small gesture, he had the crowd eating out of his hoof as he waved to them all. “What a gentlecolt,” Cadance said. “And I must say I love the outfit! Tight black shorts and a necktie? Reminds me a bit of my bachelorette party,” she said with a wistful sigh, her cheeks turning slightly red. “How much fun that was. But I can’t spend the entire night daydreaming! An eight out of ten for you!” Time Turner waved to Cadane as she made her decision much to the crowd’s enjoyment. “Now, now; we have one more stallion to show off,” Carrot interrupted, making the crowd burst into a new roar of applause as the most sought after bachelor was due to make his appearance. “Last, but certainly not least, give it up for Ponyville’s Gentle Giant: Big Mac!” Carrot shouted, as the spotlight fell upon the entrance to the stage once more. A sudden hush came over the crowd, as every mare leaned in at once, trying to get a better look for when Big Mac came out. For many, this was the highlight of the evening and one not to be missed. Ever so slowly, Big Mac’s head poked out of the curtains and the entire audience exploded into cheers as he slowly made his way out. However, when the stallion was fully out and illuminated the cheering immediately stopped. Several seconds of ear numbing silence filled the air, before the crowd broke out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Standing there, on the top of the staircase was Big Mac in bright green swim trunks. However, around his neck, in place of his traditional yoke, was a bright blue and green inner tube, and floaties with big green apples on them strapped around his forelegs. “M-Mac, whatever are you wearing?” Carrot asked, trying to contain his own laughter at the already mollified pony, but failing quite miserably. “Granny says even big ponies can drown,” Mac said, still chewing on the ever present stock of wheat. The crowd just countiend to laugh, as well as the stallions on stage. Even Braeburn had fallen to his side, laughing so hard at his poor cousin. “Oh, Celestia! Who told him to wear that?!” Rainbow Dash cackled, rolling around on the ground in a hysterical fit of laughter. Applejack on the other hoof pulled her hat over her eyes trying to hide her own embarrassment that coincided with her brothers. From under the brim of her hat, she looked at her friends reaction to see if any of them were showing any kind of mercy to her poor brother. Unfortunately, they were all laughing hysterically at Mac’s appearance.  Even Fluttershy, who was usually so in tune with others feelings, was tittering from behind her mane as Mac found his spot behind Time Turner, who was himself trying to control his giggling. Rarity, who was always strived to act lady like, gave out a loud snort as she laughed. Tears were running down her face staining her white fur with her mascara. Pinkie was almost as bad as Rainbow as she laid sprawled out on the ground, slamming her hooves into the ground as she laughed. Twilight had both hooves over her mouth trying to keep herself under control, but tears were running down her eyes as well. Mac stood there and took it, smiling ever so slightly as he endured it all. While he would have liked it for ponies not to laugh at him so much, he had expected it. Unfortunately, these were the only swim attire he owned. Standing his ground, Mac just took it all with pride, knowing he had to look pretty funny up there on stage “I… I must say Macintosh, that was the last thing I was expecting,” Cadance wheezed, as she too was on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. Wiping her tears away, she tried to regain her composure, but the sight of Mac was just too much. “This part of the contest was to show off ones bodies and… but you do look rather cute!” Cadance said, still holding back laughter. "And it is quite hard to hide that body of yours no mater what you might do. A eight out of ten!" Cadance declared. The crowd continued to laugh, however, but Mac just took it all like he was bracing a storm. “Now, now this is no way to treat a contestant,” Mister Cake’s voice boomed over the crowd as he regain his composure. “So, let’s give it up for all our stallions one more time before we begin the bidding! But before we do, we have one last surprise for all of you just to tempt you mares a bit more. Cadance will you do the—” Before Carrot could finish, a pony from back stage came running out and started to whisper in Carrot’s ear. He just nodded as the pony slipped him a piece of paper before running back off stage. Clearing his throat, Mister Cake looked over the crowd and grinned. “Well, it seems that we have a last minute entry,” he laughed, as the crowd began to whisper to one another. “Though… he is not technically a bachelor I can’t refused the request. So please welcome to the stage, the former Captain of the Guard, Prince Consort of the Crystal Kingdom, and one jealous husband: Shining Armor!”  A blue blast of magic threw open the curtains and Shining Armor came striding out from behind the curtains. He wore no swim apparel, but it was clear that he didn’t need to wear anything to complement his looks. Between flexing his muscles, fur shining like gloss, and a confident look in his eyes that not even Soarin can match, he was a sight to behold. If the crowd had roared for the other stallions, they all but exploded as Shining stopped behind Big Mac. No mare was safe from Shining’s looks, except for a certain purple Alicorn, who had her head buried under her wings as her friends cheered and whistled for her married brother. Shining just took it all in, as he looked down at the judges table to see his wife gawking at him. Grinning to himself, Shining was far from being done as he turned around and bent over. Raising one hoof up, he slapped his flank in front of the entire crowd. The crowd broke into pure, unadulterated chaos at the sight of the former most eligible bachelor in all of Equestria. “That’s right, I still got it!” Shining shouted as he stood back and bowed to the masses of cheering mares. As he started to lean over again, a pink blur flew across stage and tackled Shining down onto the steps. “Twelve out of ten okay thanks for playing have fun everypony bye!” Cadance shouted, as she kissed her husband shamelessly in front of the entirety of Ponyville. For the second time that night, two ponies were locked in pure passions as hooves went places where they should only go in the bedroom. Unlike the last surprise makeout session, however, nopony seemed too interested in trying to pry the Princess of Love off her beau. Even weeks later, Twilight would still not get those horrific images out of her mind as she tried to sleep. As the passion-fueled event played out, Carrot Cake made his way across stage towards the judges’ table. Pushing the small table to the side revealing a lever behind it. “I guess this now has two purposes,” Carrot side as he looked out at the audience, who seemed unable to take their eyes off the royal couple who were going to town. “Stallions, I hope you're ready for a quick shower,” the baker laughed as he pulled the lever. Above the roar of the crowd, a loud rumble could be heard, mere seconds before a wave of water came crashing down on all the stallions on stage. Several gave filly-like screams of surprise and horror as they were all soaked to the bone. The wave of water only lasted for a few seconds, but what happened afterwards would never leave the minds of many mares. As if in slow motion, they watched as all the stallions begin to shake themselves dry. Their now wet fur stuck to their bodies, showing off the lean and powerful muscles underneath. Manes whipped to and fro, sending a cascade of water droplets into the air, forming a hazy rainbow over the staircase of glistening stallion meat. Not a single Pegasus seemed able to keep their wings under control as they looked at the mighty bodies of Braeburn, Soarin, Bulk, Thunderlane, even Big Mac, despite his ridiculous getup. Like a thunderstorm, the applause broke out as the stallions kept shaking themselves off, spitting up water and shaking their manes out of their eyes so they were able to see. Mister Cake just laughed as the stallions tried to find a way off stage, as they bumped and tripped over one another, and did their best to step around the still-shamelessly making out Royal Couple. “Just remember mares, those stallions can yours in just a few short minutes. Go dry off boys, because it’s almost time for some lucky mare to take you home!”