//------------------------------// // In which our self-insert hero learns just how screwed he is. // Story: Welcome to the Herd // by Kandagger //------------------------------// Welcome to the Herd Chapter 1: “Rise and shine Danny-boy,” came a merry voice, “The Bat Signal is up, the stock market is down, and the babes are sizzling.” In case you didn’t guess, until approximately 0.5 seconds ago I was stone cold, REM-tastically asleep. The five page paper due tomorrow morning was only just completed and I needed, nay deserved, my Zs. So yeah, “rising and shining” were two things definitely NOT on my agenda at this time. Even so, force of habit dictated that I lift my head up and look around. Nope, still dark out. Mr. Acid Trip—whoever he was—was going to pay when the sun came up but right now, dreamland beckons. I flopped back on the sand and tried to get comfortable. Waitaminute…sand? Last time I checked I was in a bed, in my room, in my dorm, in the middle of freakin Illinois. Sand should have absolutely nothing to do with any of that. And yet, here I was, practically buried in the stuff. I bolted upright with a particularly unmanly yelp and brushed the sand off my PJs like it was poisonous. I looked around in quick jerky movements, trying to find something, anything, to place just where I was. Some sort of film noir wackyland, that’s where I was. I currently stood on a plane of endless white sand that glowed softly in the moonlight like snow. Except the moon was huge and marred with the unmistakable Batman sigil etched into its face. The sky was thick with clouds, rendering the whole plane with a further stark, Gotham-esque quality. But even through the chiascuro, I could tell I was not alone in this world…or whatever this was. A gaggle of girls played with a disco ball, serving and passing it like they were in Dead or Alive. They looked like they were from Dead or Alive besides—perfectly formed limbs, big anime eyes, and jiggle physics that sent them right to the bottom of the uncanny valley. Also they were on fire…did I mention that? Well they were on fire, or were made of fire or something and the amount of shifting and refracting light did something weird to the big stone they were using as a volleyball net. Oh yeah, and there was this stone; big, maybe ten feet tall, and squat like a pillar from Stonehenge, but lumpy and misshapen. I couldn’t quite figure out if it was a natural formation or a sculpture of some kind. All I knew was that it creeped me the heck out. See, where the moon—er “Bat-signal”—was made the stone cast a very long shadow. The fire-girls and the disco ball, each their own separate sources of light, warped the shadow until it resembled nothing more than a big lop-sided dragon. And with each movement and pass of the ball, the shadow swayed and danced like a living thing. It was uncanny that such a random collection of nonsense would produce… “So, what do you think of my little dreamscape, hmmm?” The shadow spoke in the same voice that woke me up—and I probably lost two years of my life due to shock, “Considering the horrid restraints on my work, it’s not too bad…but you should see what I can do with a real budget.” I shook my head vigorously to get the cobwebs out, hoping the apparition would vanish with a soft reset of the old brainpan. I open my eyes. Nope, that thing was still there. But I still couldn’t believe it. The shadow, made by light sources moving about at random, was talking to me and worse acting like HE was the one generating everything, and not the other way around. My mind raced with the possibilities; was this all a dream? Or was it legit? I had read too many fantasy books to just write this all off as delusion. But this was too stupid to be one of those “guy wakes up in another world” sort of scenarios. There had to be something I was missing because if I was going to spend any amount of time in this infernal offspring of Chuck Jones and Terry Gilliam, you might as well just shoot me now. However none of that changed the fact that our friend the Shadow Dragon was waiting for an answer. I took a calming breath. Acting genes don’t fail me now. “Hmmm…” I began, trying to drudge up memories of art class, “It has a certain stark beauty to it, to be sure. But I certainly don’t see myself calling it a masterpiece. The imagery alone is way too Freudian and certainly speaks unpleasant deviancies from its creator. Worse still the use of color clashes horribly with overall palate, and draws your attention to the flaming bikini models and not the shadow—which I presume to be the focus of the work.” Booyah. Say what you will about the liberal arts but they certainly teach you to BS with the best of them. The dragon leaned forward (or rather its head got bigger in relation to its body…I was staring at a two dimensional figure after all). He did not look all that impressed. I gulped, “But then again, mine is only one opinion and certainly not that of an expert.” The shadow glared at me a long moment before suddenly leaned back and let out a loud brassy laugh, “Oh…a banterer, what fun! I haven’t played with a banterer in years.” He clapped his…hands? claws? paws? like a Disney character. Every action perfectly visible even through the black fog of silhouette, “Usually all I get is the same old “where am I?” and “who are you?” But not you, Daniel, oh no you go right for the jokes—I knew I had the right guy for the job.” That wasn’t good. The only thing worse than a being of unknown but significant power was a being of unknown but significant power AND a sense of humor. They may be equally deadly, but the jokester needs less of an excuse to kill you. I took a few steps back, hoping that a better look at the stone would get me a few answers. In the meantime, I needed to keep him talking. “You know my name?” The dragon tsked, “Ach, so close to completely cliché free…well, I suppose we can’t all be perfect. Let’s see…” he dug out a pair of glasses and opened a small book with the word “script” clearly visible despite its shadowy makeup, “Let’s see…ah, here we are!” he cleared his throat and began speaking in a dull disinterested voice, “I know so much more than that, Daniel. I know you’re sick and tired of…’” he closed the book with a snap and tossed it away, “Honestly, who writes that drivel? Not a clever word to be found.” “No idea,” I mused, “and yet they still pay him a decent salary.” A pause for awkward chuckles “Speaking of which, if all this was for a job, you could have just posted it online…the economy the way it is I might have come to you.” A few more steps backward…the stone was becoming clearer. It was a statue, but of what, I couldn’t tell. The shadow shook its head, “mmmm, sadly this isn’t exactly a ‘nine-to-five workweek and a steady paycheck’ kind of thing. More of a ‘suffer through the worst the environment can throw at you and after a while you might get a reward’ situation.” “So, an internship then?” “HA! Closer, but still no cigar,” The dragon said, “Take your time…I have all eternity.” He paused a moment and his expression grew cunning, “Cute, Danny-boy, but the ‘stall the bad-guy to learn stuff’ trick was old a millennium ago.” I froze. Busted. “Besides, you could have just asked. It’s not like I’m shy, after all,” He snapped his fingers and the shadows surrounding the stone lifted like a curtain. Now what the heck was THAT supposed to be? Frankenstein’s interpretation of a Chinese dragon? A “Chimera” from some video game that had no idea what a chimera actually was? A draco-serpio-leo-aquillo-…what was Latin for ‘goat’ again?-snufflepagus? Or maybe… Oh God… I knew what it was. Rendered perfectly in fully three dimensional marble was a monster from a children’s cartoon—one I’d only watched a few episodes of but definitely remembered the ones with this guy in them. It was the equivalent of Satan for a cutesy sugar bowl that manipulated, cheated and mind-raped purely for kicks and giggles. And he was now staring at me both in frozen stony horror, and animated shadowy delight. “Discord?” “Got it in one, Danny-Boy!” Discord’s shadow laughed with DeLancian glee. “But…you’re not real.” I stammered, “NONE of this is real!” “Pshaw! Reality! Who gives a flying pig about reality?” Discord shot back, “’Not I,’ said the draconequus.” “I’m dreaming,” I said, shutting my eyes, “This has got to be a dream. I’m in my room dead asleep and soon I’ll wake up in a cold sweat with only Friday’s classes to worry about.” Discord frowned, “Let’s see, who was it that said, “denial is to be expected in the face of pure chaos?” He snapped his talons a few times, “Ach, I’m sure it will come to me…anyways, by all means, continue to freak out. You’re the only one here on a timer after all.” I sobered instantly, “What do you mean, ‘timer’?” Discord turned smug, “Quite simple really. You are the key piece in my latest plot to take over Equestria.” He paused before adding, “Of course.” I waited for him to continue, but he seemed to think that was enough. The silence actually got awkward before I spoke, “And...how does that work with you being a lawn ornament, again?” “Well that’s the thing isn’t it?” he held up his hands and began to create something out of shadow, “I have had a lot of time to stew over my first defeat at Celestia and her blasted sister’s hands, and in that time I came to realize that you can’t lock away Chaos completely. Absolute Order would be just as bad in dear Celestia’s book as absolute Chaos—poor misguided thing.” His ball suddenly became a yin-yang symbol. “Therefore in Celestia’s head, Equestria requires a balance.” He put his finger in the hole in the yin side and turned the symbol like a wheel, “and every time I tip those scales in favor of Chaos, somehow, some way, some-thing will always push it back.” The dot in the yang side suddenly split into six little Elements of Harmony and the symbol forcibly righted itself. Discord shook his hand loose as if the very image of the Elements hurt him. Then he got a crafty grin on his face, “If, however, I lean a little on the side nobody is looking at…” He flicked the yang side and the circle tipped lazily counter-clockwise. It stopped with the yin side noticeably more dominant, “…you have that much more wiggle room.” I finished for him, mouth dry. “Which brings us to you, Danny-Boy,” He pointed at me on the ‘you.’ The freaking shadow’s finger lifted off of the ground and pointed right at me, “That stone prison is sealed up tighter than a pickle jar. And no amount of banging on the inside is going to open it. But, if I were to say, find a nice big stick-in-the-mud from somewhere else and drop him in the middle of the game board, the resulting imbalance will give me the space I need to get out for realz.” his whole hand suddenly launched out of the ground and he wiggled his fingers at me, “See? Already you’re helping.” I thought fast. There are only so many solutions one can come up with when scared out of your mind, so I shut that part of me away and promised myself I’d scream later. I had an idea, not a good idea mind you, but if I was right I might be able to stop this before it even started. I took a deep breath, “So…you’re going to send me to Pony-world, and merely by me being there you’ll have the power to break out?” “Well not immediately” Discord replied gesturing to his statue, “But eventually, that’s for certain. Which of course means you might be able to stop me.” He stifled a laugh, and made it really obvious he was doing so, “I figured we could make a game out of it. I’ll play the heroic innocent imprisoned wrongfully by jealous peers. And you can play the evil officer of “the man,” hell-bent on locking me up once again. It’ll be fun!” Well for him maybe. That didn’t sound like fun to me at all. “And what if I say no?” The smile vanished off Discord’s face like someone had stolen it, “Beg pardon?” “You heard me.” I snapped back, sounding a whole lot more self-assured than I felt “What if I chose to throw the game board in your face and stomp out of here in a huff? What could you do?” He just stared…oh my god I was RIGHT. “You can’t do anything can you?” I laughed, the sudden rush of endorphins making me giddy, “You’re just a statue, or a shadow, or a figment of my imagination or something. Point being, without my consent you can’t do jack. “I created this dreamscape, didn’t I?” Discord said, thunder rumbling ominously from the clouds overhead, “There is in fact a great deal I can do to you…and none of it pleasant.” “Yeah?” I shot back, feeling a golden light wash over me as I did so, “Go ahead. Do your worst. If you kill me, you’ll have to find some other stooge. Break my mind, and I’m a force of Chaos not Order.” I swear I could hear the hopeful music swell in the background, “Your entire “plan” for what it’s worth, needs me to play along with your mad schemes just as I am. Well guess what Genius? I ain’t playing. Pack up your dreams and your flaming-hot volleyball players and find some other schmuck—maybe somebody that actually watches your goddamn show—to do your dirtywork. I am not going anywhere.” Discord didn’t look terribly impressed. When I finished talking he just stared at me, bored. “What makes you think you have a choice?” I felt hot arms wrap around my neck…one of the Fiery Bimbos of Death. She had snuck up on me while I was monologing, and now I was learning what hugging a campfire felt like. It hurt. Starless hells did it hurt. My chest and neck were searing under her flames, and when she pressed herself into my back, that began burning too. I reeled and bucked and twisted in my need to get away from the pain. But whatever she was made of stuck like tar and the T-shirt and sweatpants I slept in were quickly becoming piles of ashes. She was melting into me. I felt her spread and roil across my back and sides like boiling caramel, burning down into my tissues and searing them into new and mad shapes “It’s good that you are so defiant,” Discord’s voice echoed through my agony, “You will need that defiance if you want to win our little game. But honestly right now is not the time for it” Fire girl wrapped her legs around mine, bringing me to my knees “Stop resisting and just enjoy the experience. After all you’re getting what ten thousand guys would kill for.” He pointed to my shadow—which was shifting and warping beneath the flames. It was starting to look more like a horse than a man. No, more like a pony than a man. I screamed in horror but Discord paid me no mind, “Better get used to it, my little Brony, you’re going to be stuck that way a looong time. Forever if I have any say in things.” He lifted my rapidly lengthening muzzle with a finger and brought his shadowy head off the sand to look directly into my eyes, “So, allow me to be the first to tell you, Welcome to the Herd.” My eyes went dark and I knew no more. To be Continued.