//------------------------------// // Alright, Fine, Just Not In The Face... OWWW MY FACE!!! // Story: Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of? // by Bucking Nonsense //------------------------------// I had to admit, I was one sexy alicorn. Grogar had kept his word: Our trip back to Starswirl's portal had been uneventful, and after our teary-eyed reunions, Discord and I got the low-down on what had really happened to my body. I was... well, at the time, I was a little ambivalent about whether I would stay or go, but I figured I'd decide later. For now, I just wanted to be in my own body. Starswirl had promised to put things right an hour after sunrise. As I studied my ponified body the following morning, still in suspended animation, I couldn't help but chuckle. True, I wasn't as tall as Celestia or Luna. I was barely an inch taller than Twilight was. However, I had found out something interesting about equines, when I saw the reactions all the mares were giving my body, something that I remembered from a biology class in college: When most creatures look for a mate, symmetry is a major turn on. My face may be on the handsome side of average back home, but I don't have any blemishes, flaws, or deformities, so when it translated to pony form, it was like I suddenly had the face of a supermodel. As for physical fitness? Mares seem to like a medium build, even on really tall guys. Example: Applejack's brother, Big Macintosh, is amongst the tallest ponies in Ponyville, but while strong, doesn't have huge muscles bulging everywhere. He's considered the most attractive stallion in the entire town. Bulk Biceps is about the same height, but he's got muscles piled on muscles, with an extra side of muscles to go with it. Sad thing is, the poor guy can't get a date with anyone, except maybe Fluttershy, who is able to look past his almost grotesque musculature. Of course, maybe that's because of his stunted wings, but still, his huge muscles don't help him in getting any action. Anyways, all of that together meant that my body was the sexiest thing to hit Equestria since Celestia and Luna hit puberty. My coat was kinda yellowish, with a brown mane and tail, so that I kinda looked like a ponified Emmett, but otherwise, I looked pretty damned good... "So, this is what you really look like." I turned around, and faced a small mayonnaise jar sitting on the table in the throne room. The contents were glowing a bright red, but otherwise were impossible to see clearly. I have to admit, that was the last thing I would have considered to be the container of Lord Tirek's soul, but apparently, Starswirl and Scorpan had decided that the centaur needed to be taken down a few pegs, and what better way to start than being locked inside of something so... mundane? With a shrug, I admitted, "Looks like. Gotta admit, I'll miss having hands. Still, being able to fly and shoot lasers with my face will be an acceptable tradeoff." I gave the jar a look, and asked, "I know you've probably been asked this a thousand times, but... this isn't a trick, is it?" I got the impression of an eyeroll, which is an impressive trick for a soul inhabiting a mayonnaise jar. Tirek, obviously annoyed, said, "No, it's not a trick. Yes, I'm not lying to you. Yes, I am serious about changing my ways. Yes, really. Yes. Yes. Yes." My jaw dropped, stunned. How had he predicted every question I was about to ask? There was a smug impression from the mayo jar of imprisonment as Tirek said, "That's my body you're in, including my brain. Those may be your thoughts, but 'I' am the one thinking them. And while I may not be inside of my body, I am still aware of everything happening to it." My eyes widened in shock as I asked, "So... you've seen everything I've done?" If I'd known that I there was an audience watching, I would have tried to be more entertaining... "Seen what you've seen, heard what you've heard, thought what you've thought, and... felt what you've felt," he finished, his tone softening at the end. "And that is why we've come to this point. Over just three short days, you've toppled a tyrant on accident, become the beloved leader of an entire species, befriended one of the most powerful beings on the planet, forged an alliance with Equestria as a whole, and defeated one of the oldest and most powerful beings in the world in a rock off." With a snort (How did he snort when he didn't have a nose? Fucked if I know), he said, "When I last escaped, I was free for nearly a year, and I did not manage anything nearly so impressive, up until I had Discord to assist me, and ultimately, all of my works were undone in an instant. I... still do not understand this thing that humans and ponies call friendship, but after watching everything you've done... I've come to realize that perhaps it is something worth trying to understand." That... made a lot of sense. Like he said, he'd been free a year, and managed to do exactly fuck all in that time frame, until he'd convinced Discord to help him. Me? In a fraction of a fraction of that time, I'd done more than most people manage to do in a lifetime. I'd had Tirek's strength, his powers, his intimidating physique, everything that made Tirek Tirek, save for 'Tirek' himself, and I'd proven that, if he'd just tried to be a better person, he'd be able to accomplish a great deal more than he'd ever tried before, and that he'd feel pretty good while doing it. Sure, part of it was dumb luck, part of it was just the fact that I'm awesome, and the rest was me trying to do the right thing, but at the end of the day, there was nothing to say that Tirek couldn't do something similar... or perhaps even better. "So, what will you do when you're back in your body?" I asked, curious. "I'll return to the land of my birth," Tirek stated plainly. "It has been a thousand years, and while my kind live very long lives, that time period is as long for me as for anyone else. I'm... a little homesick. Besides, after everything I've done in Equestria, I doubt I'd be welcome anywhere else." "Sad, but true," I admitted with a nod. Starswirl walked in with the items necessary to perform the transfer of souls back into their respective bodies. I wish I could say it was something more impressive than three metal colanders and a few lengths of wire, but I'd be lying. Nodding to the two of us, he said, "I've completed the other preparations necessary. If the two are ready, we can perform the spells necessary, and get you both into your respective bodies." I nodded, and Tirek, after a moment, said, "I'm ready." ------------------------------------------ I won't describe the ritual, not what it required, or how it felt. There are some things that are too... personal to discuss. Make of that what you will. ------------------------------------------- Gotta admit, it was kinda freaky, suddenly being the same size as most of the other ponies and changelings present. The sudden change in perspective was jarring. I suddenly understood now why everyone seemed to find the tall ponies so... regal. They were really, really... big. Looking up at Princess Celestia, I asked, "So, you're going to cover all of this up?" The alicorn princess of the sun looked a little ashamed, but admitted, "Not all of it, but yes. There are too many things that happened in the last three days that my subjects would have difficulty in understanding, and a few of those things could cause a massive panic. The idea that Sombra returned to life in and of itself could cause a mass panic in the Crystal Empire even with confirmation of his defeat, and widespread knowledge of Grogar's existence could cause a few of my more... short-sighted subjects to try and approach him for a deal. And just the awareness of the beings you've described as 'The Great Old Ones'... well, even I am unsettled by their existence." Right. Who wants to learn that the lady who can move stars is just a minnow in the great cosmic ocean? Even Discord wouldn't be able to go twelve rounds with someone in that kind of weight class... "Tirek's departure will make things simpler, and I can explain his absence from Tartarus as simply my moving him to a more secure prison," Celestia continued, "and the former Queen's... loss can be explained by her having come into conflict with Tirek, which is more or less what happened anyways. The official story will be that a young pony, yourself, came across the hive, and became friends with the changelings within shortly after the loss of their queen. However, it was not just anypony, but a pony who saw past their appearances, and helped them come to understand that they were capable of much more than they had managed in the past. Due to his great strides in building bridges between the equine races and changelingkind, as well as aiding in the recapture of Lord Tirek, the pony known as Conrad became an alicorn prince." "Not quite a lie, either," Starswirl added with a chuckle. "Your body began as an earth pony. Around the same time you used Tirek's magic for the first time, you underwent a transformation..." So, around the time I realized that I was a master builder, my body ascended to become something like a demi-god of building. Have I mentioned how much I love how crazy Equestria is? In a way, though, it makes sense: I know more about construction than anyone else currently alive on this world by a wide margin, due simply to my masters in structural engineering. If an alicorn can be considered an absolute paragon when it comes to a certain field, then I certainly fit the bill... Luna cleared her throat, and said, "We hope that you will forgive us requiring you to take part in this fiction. The ponies of Equestria hold a great deal of faith in certain pillars of our society. Knowing that the Elements of Harmony could be turned towards evil ends, that Sombra returned from the dead with little to no difficulty, that Grogar exists and will happily grant power to those who will support his villainous goals, and that there are beings as far above alicorns as alicorns are above ants... knowing all of that, how could our subjects ever hope to be able to sleep safely in their beds, knowing that such things exist and that very little can be done about them, should they decide to come to do harm to our world?" A fair point: The only reason that the average person can go through their daily lives is because they faith that they will live to see the end of the week. If you had no reason to believe that your job, your paycheck, your family, even your life as you know it, were still going to be there in five minutes, then what would be the point of being a contributing member of society? What was the point of society? Of anything? Civilization's promise is that you don't have to be afraid of going to sleep, for fear that you will wake up to someone setting your house on fire, stealing your shit, and doing nasty stuff to your loved ones... and that no one will try and stop them. If it is ever proven that a civilization cannot keep that promise, well... We all fall into the sort of stuff we see in The Road Warrior. We might as well dress in leather, jump on our motorcycles and dune buggies, and start raiding our neighbors for gasoline and food. After all, why work for anything when you might be dead before your good works reap any sort of reward? Knowing that your entire world is at the mercy of creatures you cannot even comprehend, let alone appease, is enough to drive anyone mad. Only the fact that it turned out that they were decent fellows, in spite of their unimaginable powers and indescribable appearances, kept me from curling up in a ball and whimpering for the rest of my life... "You won't hear any argument from me," I admitted, after considering all of that. I like Equestria, and while I'm an honest guy, I didn't want my honesty to be responsible for the collapse of civilization. ------------------------------------------- Yeah, kid, you'll have to keep this a secret between us. Sorry to load this all on you, but you wanted to know the truth, and you've got the security clearance for it, so there you go. Ah, but there's a couple of other things you wanted to know about? Alright... ------------------------------------------- Fast forward to a week later. Things were looking good. Oz was coming together very nicely. You give the changelings a goal, and directions for how to achieve that goal, and they go at it like gangbusters. The fact that they had more love than they'd ever had before to empower them meant that they could go for hours on end without a need for rest. They still had to sleep every night, and take five minute breaks for hydration every now and then, but other than that, it was like watching an anthill or termite mound being built, but on a larger scale. Flint's rangers had taken up residence, as peacekeepers between the changelings and our Equestrian guests. There were rarely any problems, save for when a pony got a little too drunk and did something stupid. Otherwise, it was a cushy assignment, yet at the same time a very distinguished one... We had Equestrian guests coming in every day, and while the arrangement had not yet been made public, it had been agreed, between myself, the changelings, and the princesses, that when the new queen finally appeared and came into her own, she'd be given rank and privilege equivalent to an alicorn princess... and that the hive was considered officially a part of Equestria, and as such every changeling had the rights of ever Equestrian citizen. There were already articles in Equestrian newspapers calling changelings the 'fourth' race of ponykind (Crystal ponies are just considered sparklier versions of regular ponies). Things may have been moving very quickly, but without a doubt they were moving in the right direction. I should have been happy, and in a lot of ways, I was. But there was a problem, one that I couldn't really see a way to solve, which was why, one week after my return from Tambelon, I was drinking a beer in the kitchen, slightly depressed. The room was lit with a single candle, sitting on the table in front of me... I was surprised to see Ash walk in. By now, I'd learned enough about changeling facial expressions to see that he was pretty low himself. Looking up at me, he managed a glum nod, a curt, 'Milord', and then he promptly headed for the nearest keg of beer, grabbed a mug, and used the tap to pour himself a tall one... which he immediately drank in one long pull, and when he was done, he began fixing himself another. Even without my knowledge of changeling facial expressions, it was clear that he was in a bad way. An eyebrow raised, I asked, "Bad night?" I took a pull from my own beer... The commander of the changeling hive sighed, then said, "Leni and I broke up." Okay, let me be frank with you: Doing a spit take with a mouth full of beer in front of a lit candle is not a great idea. It took a few minutes to put the flames out. When I was done, I asked, "Seriously? You two broke up? I thought the two of you had some serious mojo going on." "So did I," Ash admitted, glumly, "and had the hive remained the way things were, we might have had a better chance. Sadly, with the way things have turned out, she..." He took a deep breath, and then said, "She wants to see the world. She wants to have adventures, to go out and have fun. I can't say I blame her, given that, up until two weeks ago, we've been forced to spend out lives hidden from prying eyes. Now that we are officially a part of Equestria, she wants more than what the hive offers her." With a chuckle, he admitted, "And if I were five years younger, and didn't have my rank, I'd have been more than happy to oblige her. Thing is, I have responsibilities now. The hive looks to you for inspiration, milord, but it looks to me for leadership, now that the queen is gone. You can afford to go out on reckless adventures, milord, but I have to be the one who stays here and makes sure that nothing goes wrong." Right. I'd spent a good part of that week visiting various places in Equestria. This was a whole new world for me, after all, and while I'd been level-headed and responsible back home, the sudden removal of all of my previous obligations had awakened an adventurous streak that I'd not realized that I'd had before. I wanted to see all that Equestria had to offer, and thanks to a few tricks that I'd picked up from Discord, Luna, Celestia, and Twilight, I could zip across Equestria at high speeds, and still be back before dinner. Problem was, Skyflower didn't want to show her face in Equestria right now. I couldn't exactly blame her. She had been given an honorable discharge from the Equestrian Army, complete with a full pension, by the princesses. They felt that, after all the shit she'd been through, she deserved it. So, she was no longer a soldier, but she was still the mare out of time. Equestria... well, modern Equestria still scared her. She liked the changeling hive better, honestly: They weren't exactly modern themselves, in many ways. They were also eager to catch up with the rest of the world, and helping them was helping Skyflower adjust much better than army life had. I served as the emperor of the changeling hive mainly because a queen's egg had yet to be laid. As soon as that appeared, I'd be expected to turn in my metaphorical crown, something I honestly had no problem with doing. Ash would serve as the queen's regent until she grew old enough to rule in her own right, and from there, it would be up to her to lead the changelings forward. My job here was more or less done, save for that one egg. When it was over, I planned on leaving... ...And Skyflower had admitted that she would be staying. We were looking into getting the marriage annulled. It wouldn't be all that difficult, really. We were both drunk, and asides from my godlike cheesecake making skills and the fact that we were both young and physically attractive, there really wasn't all that much to hold a relationship together. I mean, I couldn't even claim that the sex was good: Sky had been raised in a fairly prudish society a thousand years ago, and I was not yet at a point where I was ready to try experiencing Equestrian mating rituals, healthy young male with a strong libido or not. I admitted, "Things aren't going all that well between me and Sky. We're looking into getting an annulment for the marriage, although we've not planned on making the break up public just yet." Thinking for a moment, I said, "You know, once the queen's egg appears, I plan on going and seeing Equestria. Discord wanted to give me a grand tour of the planet, and Celestia has a lot of projects planned for me all across the country when I return. I'll still visit you guys from time to time, but I don't think the changelings need me watching over them. You're all adults, mostly, and the tall ponies will be around to help if there's a problem. But Skyflower is planning on staying here, at least for now. She likes the hive, and she's gotten to be pretty popular with most of the changelings, especially with the new mothers. Once the annulment is complete, and I've gone on my way... you might want to see if she would be interested in a relationship." Ash gave me a look that I couldn't read, and after a moment, said, "I'll keep that in mind." A half-smile formed on his face, and he said, "You might want to ask Leni about going with you, when you leave. The hive will rest easier, knowing that one of us is with you, and I'm certain that she'll feel safer, having an alicorn to watch over her." I chuckled, and said, "Not a bad idea." ----------------------------------------- "Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of?" So that's more or less the full story, kid. "Seriously, I Have No Idea! My Name's Conrad!" Like I said, mum's the word. "I'm Twenty-Six, And Recently Graduated College! I Just Got My Masters In Structural Engineering, For Pity's Sake!" You wanted to know why I wasn't all that interested in the play about my exploits? That's why. It's fiction. Every last word of it. "I Build Things! I Don't Break Things! Except Maybe When I'm Drunk, And I Trip On Something!" It isn't a bad play, I guess. In fact, it's pretty entertaining. The playwright did a great job, even if the actors are a pack of hams. "I Swear, I Wasn't The Guy Who Blew Up Your House!" Of course, the truth is always stranger than fiction. Funnier, too. "Throwing You At A Mountain? Do I Look Like The Kind Of Guy Who'd Do That?! Wait, Don't Answer That!" Wish I could have begged off attending, but Leni and I are VIP's, and I couldn't decline a play written about 'me', now could I? "I Know You Have No Reason To Believe Me..." Life is a funny thing. "In Fact, I'm Pretty Sure My Words Are Falling On Deaf Ears..." Anyone who heard most of my story would have figured that Sky and I would have hit it off, but... "But I Swear To You, I'm Not Lying!" ...it takes more than attraction and tasty meals to build a long term relationship. "We Don't Have Time For This!" Leni and I get along better than Skyflower and I ever did. "While We're Arguing Here..." ยท I... popped the question to her yesterday. "Things Are Spinning Out Of Control!" We're planning to get married next moon. "You're Not Buying It, Are You?" Starswirl is pulling some strings, so my parents will be able to attend, along with my sisters, "Crud. Well, You Can't Blame Me For Trying, Right?" You should meet them. They'll think you're the most adorable thing ever. "I Had You Going There For A Minute, Didn't I?" I'll send you an invite. "No? Really? Am I That Transparent?" Ash and Sky? Yeah, they'll be there, too. We're making it a double wedding. "Alright, Fine, Just Not In The Face... OWWW MY FACE!!!" Anyhow, it's been nice talking to you, Spike. I'll visit the next time I'm in Ponyville, and I'll tell you all about how Discord got drunk at the bachelor party, and nearly threw Equestria into the sun on accident... ---------------------------------------------------- ...Eight million, four hundred thirty-seven thousand, two hundred twenty-three years later... Finally... FINALLY IT WAS TIME!!! Grogar allowed himself a small laugh. After all these centuries, all of the setbacks, all of the failures, finally he was on the verge of triumph. Freedom. Heh. Those fools had no idea how much power Grogar would have to give up in order to leave the realm of shadows. Here, he ruled with power like unto a god. He didn't want to leave... ...He wanted all of Equestria to join him. And now, having duped a young pony into bringing the Jewel Of Darkest Night to Tambelon, Grogar had the ability to do so. All it would take is a basic incantation, and victory would finally be his. "Ahem." Grogar looked up from his contemplation of the gemstone, to see an alicorn in his throne room. A very familiar one... "Remember that favor you owe me?" Conrad asked, a smile on his face. Dammit....