//------------------------------//
// Twilight's Castle 
// Story: Teleology 
// by Majin Syeekoh 
//------------------------------//

The weather outside was rather pleasant—a wonderful coincidence because I wasn’t exactly dressed for it to be anything other than it was. It was also a quiet morning, being rather early, and presumably a weekend. Presuming that these ponies had weekends at all. Well, if they did have weekends, I’m guessing that they would look like this.

All I heard was birdsong and the sound of us walking, me with my shoes and Cloudchaser with her hooves clopping against the cobblestone road, tail swishing behind her. I looked around as we walked, taking in what seemed to be a quaint little hamlet with nice little houses.

One of the doors of those houses opened, revealing another pony with a brown coat of hair on his body and a darker shade of brown hair on his head wearing a green bathrobe. He took a deep breath with his eyes closed, then opened them and locked his gaze on me. I looked back and waved, whereupon he went inside and slammed the door.

“I appear to have offended him,” I said to Cloudchaser.

Cloudchaser shrugged. “You do look really weird.”

“Speaking of weird,” I began, attempting to change the subject, “you and your sister seem to have a rather inflammatory relationship.”

“Heh. Nah, we’re cool. I think she was just especially bitchy today after finding you on the couch.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware that I would spark such feelings.”

“Well, you see,” Cloudchaser said as she put her hands behind her head, ”Ponyville isn’t exactly welcoming of non-pony outsiders.”

“Uh huh.”

“Yeah. You’ll notice I almost flipped out on you at first, too.”

“Yeah, I did. Thanks, by the way.”

Cloudchaser snorted. “Well, I figured that you couldn’t really be bad if you asked to take a leak. I would think most killers or burglars wouldn’t ask to use the bathroom.”

“I suppose not,” I said, looking down.

“And Flitter didn’t see you until she woke up this morning.” Cloudchaser put her arms to the side. “I’m surprised she didn’t freak out when she saw you.”

“She did poke me.”

Cloudchaser chuckled. “Like I said, you’re lucky that’s all she did. So you sleeping on our couch might’ve skeeved her out a bit.”

“Hmmm.” I blinked and turned to face Cloudchaser. “I meant to ask earlier… That pony we saw didn’t appear to have wings.”

“Why would he have wings? He’s an earth pony.”

“I thought all ponies had wings.”

“Why would you think that?”

We passed by a fountain at this point, the sunlight dancing in the running water.

“Well, all the ponies I’ve met so far have had wings. You understand where I’m coming from.”

She shrugged. “I guess. But only pegasi and alicorns have wings, and Twilight’s the only alicorn in this area.”

“Alicorn?”

“Unicorn with wings.”

I nodded. “That would explain the horn, then.”

Cloudchaser turned to face me. “I thought you didn’t know what we were.”

“I know what a unicorn is.”

The two of us came up to a dirt path that had a large crystalline castle at the end of it. “How would you know what a unicorn is?”

“I read about it in a book.”

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow. “But you didn’t even know we were ponies. How could you know what a unicorn is?”

“See, now you’re assuming that only a pony can be a unicorn.”

“...Yeah. That’s how it works. Only ponies can be unicorns. What else do you think could be a unicorn, a Diamond Dog?”

I snapped my head towards her. “Did you just… nevermind.”

“See? I told you it sounds silly.” Cloudchaser snickered. “Non-pony unicorns… What’ll you think of next?”

“Nevermind. Forget I brought it up.”

Cloudchaser pursed her lips. “You know, you’re awfully non-confrontational.”

I grinned weakly. “I find it to be a valid coping mechanism.”

“And you speak like you’re reading out of a script sometimes,” she said, crossing her arms. “You should cut that out.”

“What? The non-confrontational tendencies or my seemingly constructed speech patterns?”

“Both.” Cloudchaser shuddered. “They kind of creep me out, to be honest.”

“I… I don’t know whether to take your advice to speak less eloquently or your advice to be more confrontational first.” 

We came to the two large double doors that presumably marked the entrance to the castle. It was kind of gaudy, but all things considered, it was an impressive castle.

“Eh, I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” she said with a shrug, before she kicked the door. The door shuddered in response.

A few minutes of awkward silence passed before the door opened inward, revealing a bipedal purple lizard with a green sail adorning its head. It smiled and waved at Cloudchaser, who returned the gesture.

“Hey, Cloudchaser,” it said. I believed it to be male.

“Hey, Spike,” Cloudchaser replied. “Could you take us to Twilight? She’s been expecting him,” she said as she pointed a thumb at me.

Spike nodded. “Sure! Follow me,” 

Cloudchaser followed after him. I followed as well, closing the door behind me.

Cloudchaser and I followed Spike through the castle. I leaned into Cloudchaser. “Why doesn’t he… look like you?”

“Why would he? He’s a dragon, not a pony.”

That made me frown. I was definitely a long way from home.

Eventually the dragon led us to a room with a lot of scientific-looking equipment and the same purple pony from last night, her hair in disarray. It seemed like she hadn’t slept since then.

“Twi?” Spike asked.

Twilight turned to face us, her eyes bloodshot and a manic energy possessing her features. Her pupils seemed to be dilated as well.

Definitely didn’t sleep last night.

“Oh, hi, Spike. I see Roger’s here, as well as Cloudchaser. An unexpected yet pleasant surprise.” A ceramic mug seemed to float of its own volition into Spike’s waiting claws.

I raised an eyebrow at the cheap parlor trick. I don’t know who she was trying to impress.

“Well, I had today off, and I figured he didn’t know his way around town, so I showed him the way.”

“Spike, could you get me more coffee?”

“Are you sure—”

“More coffee, Spike.” 

Spike nodded and walked out of the room. 

“Well, that was nice of you, Cloudchaser. You two seem to be getting along rather well,” Twilight said.

Cloudchaser shrugged. “Eh, he doesn’t really seem to be here to cause trouble.”

“Yeah, I’m not,” I said. “You said you had a computer that needed looking at?”

“Right, the computer,” Twilight said. “I was wondering if I could do more tests on you first. You see, I’ve been looking over my equine anatomy texts and I find it odd that our bodies share structural similarities.”

I felt my legs give out from under me as I was planted into a chair. 

“And since you were so kind as to give me permission to examine you last night,” Twilight continued, “I would assume the same consideration would extend into today.”

“I, um—”

“Great!” Twilight walked over to me. “Now, to get these hoof covers off.” I felt tugging at my feet.

“What are you doing?”

Twilight looked at my shoes, then knelt down, unfastened the velcro on my sneakers, and slid the shoe off of my foot. Twilight looked at my sock-clad foot and blushed. “Oh, you’re wearing socks…”

Cloudchaser blushed as well. “Seriously? I didn’t know you were into that kind of stuff...” 

I raised an eyebrow. “What? You always wear socks under shoes.”

Twilight giggled nervously. “We’ll, ah, chalk that up to cultural differences, shall we?” She grabbed the sock and pulled it off my foot.

Twilight’s eyes bugged out.“What’s… what’s that?” 

“What? My foot?”

Twilight nodded as she dropped to her knees and grabbed my heel. “This… this is fascinating.”

“My foot?”

“Yes. It appears that your entire foot structure is contained in this small space as opposed to the equine foot where the ankle and heel are constantly off of the ground.”  Twilight manipulated my ankle. “The entire foot structure is designed to remain in contact with the ground at all times. Also,” she continued as she bent my big toe, “it seems that your feet are rather… unprotected, explaining the requirement for an article of clothing to encase the, erm, foot.”

Twilight picked up my shoe, placed it under her muzzle, and took a sniff, recoiling at the smell. “I hate to put it like this, but your body odor is quite offensive.”

I chuckled weakly. “That’s what happens when you sniff a shoe.”

Twilight shook her head as she stood up. “No, not just that.” She leaned over and sniffed my neck, recoiling again. “Everything about your scent is mildly repulsive on a base level.”

“Really?” I asked, looking at Cloudchaser. “Why didn’t you say anything? I could have taken a shower or something.”

Cloudchaser shrugged. “It seemed rude to tell you that you smelled bad. I’m not my sister, after all.”

“That probably wouldn’t help.” Twilight shook her head and walked back to the table. “It’s not just that you haven’t showered. Your scent is uniquely repelling. I bet we smell just as offensive to you.”

I scratched the back of my head. “... This entire town does smell like the inside of a barn.”

“Exactly. Although due to our probable genetic incompatibilities, you could fornicate with whomever you want without risk of pregnancy.”

“What makes you think I’d want to have sex with a pony?”

“Dude,” Cloudchaser replied, “you were staring at her rack the entire time.”

I looked back at Cloudchaser. “... Really? I didn’t notice.” I grinned, my face heating up yet again.

“Of course you didn’t. You’re male.” Twilight jotted down something on a piece of paper. “And I’m not holding it against you. Just letting you know that you do find something about us appealing.”

I grabbed my sock and slid it back on, Cloudchaser looking away while blushing. 

“Look. Your bodies share certain attractive features with the females of my species. I won’t deny that,” I said as I slid my shoe on. “But just the fact that you have those hooves, not to mention muzzles, is enough to turn me off. Not to mention the smell. The smell is a deal breaker right there.”

Twilight hummed. “Fair enough.”

Spike walked back in holding a tray with three steaming mugs. “Hey, I made three cups of coffee in case you two wanted some.”

Twilight turned to face Spike. “That was incredibly kind of you!” One of the mugs floated in front of Twilight’s face and tipped itself into her mouth.

“Alright, how are you doing that?” I asked.

“Doing what?”

I stood up and shook my head. “Do you have wires attached to it or something?”

“... Attached to what?” Cloudchaser asked.

“The mug! It’s weirding me out that I can’t figure out how you’re moving it.”

Spike walked over to Cloudchaser and gave a mug to her. He then faced me. “Isn’t it obvious?”

I shook my head.

Cloudchaser took a sip of the coffee and looked at me. “... You honestly don’t see her magical aura surrounding the mug?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them. “Magical what?”

Twilight stared at me as well. “The aura that my horn creates when I use magic.”

“And I thought you knew what a unicorn was,” Cloudchaser said, taking another sip of her coffee.

Twilight’s mug set itself down on the table. “Hmm.” She focused her gaze on me. I stared back at her.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Did you feel that?”

“... Feel what?” I asked.

“I see.” Twilight looked at Cloudchaser. “He doesn’t have magic nerves.”

Cloudchaser choked on her coffee, hacking profusely. After a few moments, she took a few deep breaths and collected herself. “What?”

“No magic.” Twilight looked at me. I felt a force grip my hand and move it up. “That last spell should have disabled your magic… but you have no magic to disable. Now,” she said as my hand jerked forward, forcing me to walk, “this doesn’t mean he’s immune to magic, as I’m clearly demonstrating. It just means that he has no internal magic of his own to draw upon.”

I jerked my hand back, breaking the ethereal grip. “Alright. This has officially taken a trip into crazy-town. Just get me a map so I can find my way home.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Certainly, Roger.” She waved her arm at the table. Here’s a map. As you can see, I’ve been trying to figure out where such a creature as yourself would come from. It’d be far easier if you could point it out, though.”

“Thank you.” I nodded, walked to the table, and grabbed the most map-looking thing I could find, feeling the rough grain of the paper beneath my fingertips.

I scanned it, gravely unsettled by what I saw. It appeared to be a serviceable facsimile of the United States and Canada, but… everything was off.

Where New York should be was a city called Manehattan—likewise for Baltimore, which was replaced by Baltimare. There was even a city smack-dab in the middle of the map with no known equivalent called Canterlot.

I might be in trouble.

I must have been staring at the map for some time because I felt a hand touch my shoulder.

“You having trouble with the map?” I heard Cloudchaser ask behind me.

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to read,” Twilight offered.

“Of course I can read,” I replied, “it’s just… everything is wrong.”

I gently laid the map down. “Everything is so similar, yet… different.” I trudged back to the chair and sat down.

Twilight hummed. “I think this would be the part where you tell me how you got here, then.”

“Yeah, how exactly did you end up in my house?” Cloudchaser asked.

“Well, I was in my apartment, and I opened the bathroom door… but when I closed it behind me, there I was in your house.” 

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow and glanced at Twilight, who yawned and furrowed her brow.

“So,” Twilight said, leaning on the table, “you’re saying you just randomly ended up in Cloudchaser’s house?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“And you didn’t think anything was weird until just now?” Cloudchaser asked.

“No.” I shook my head. “I figured maybe I was dreaming or something, but the sensory information just doesn’t add up. The taste of hay, the sounds of birdsong walking over here, the feel of the map in my hands, the smell... oh God, the smell!” I chuckled weakly. “I guess I’m not in Kansas anymore.”

“What’s Kansas?” both ponies asked simultaneously.

I snorted. “Exactly.”

I heard slow clapping emerge from behind me. Both mares looked past me, Twilight’s lips pursed and Cloudchaser’s lips snarled as she clenched her fists and twitched her wings.

Turning around, I shot out of my chair and laid eyes upon the most horrid creature I’d ever seen.

It appeared to be part lion, part eagle, part goat, part… everything, really. It was about two heads taller than Cloudchaser and I, a wicked grin curving across its face. It clasped his paw and talon together.

“My, my, Roger Schwartz, it certainly took you long enough,” it said with a wizened, sinister voice. “It was quite interesting watching you come to the realization of just how far away from your apartment in Delaware you actually are.”

“Stuff it, Discord,” Cloudchaser spat as she unfurled her wings their entire length, “and return him to where he belongs.”

Discord chortled. “And what makes you think he doesn’t belong here?”

I laid my eyes on who was presumably the reason for my presence in this strange world, and I took in what was also presumably his name, which probably boded ill for me.

Discord.