//------------------------------// // Shredded Deceptions // Story: How my Little Brother Became an Alicorn // by WiseFireCracker //------------------------------// Shredded Deceptions There was a tale in a world that was too far away, one of pigs and wolves. Twice, houses that once hid pigs away from the jaws of a wolf collapsed by the strength of its breath. Only the third one, made out of stone, resisted. This was no house of stone. But this was not a pig’s den either, this was Fluttershy’s cottage, and it was the only reason it was still standing. With a single scoff, I dissolved into air and slipped through the doorknob. The bearer of Kindness was still upstairs, reeling from the shock. I would apologize to her later. And to her furry friends. The smell hit me first. Even for one such as me, the scent was strong, musky and entirely too savage in comparison to the rest of Ponyville. Not even the Everfree had felt so concentrated into one place like this. For the briefest of moments, I was given paused, my muzzle scrunched up together before all those animals gathered around the house. Their eyes fell on me during that time, dozens looked upon the intruder that I was, all of them tensed and readily fighting their instincts already. They were sensible to the tension in the air, they could feel my anger brushing against their coat, and never had such small animals look more hostile to me. It was the matter of a single stomp. With a shockwave, the closest ones were thrown off their feet, and that booming sound was followed by silence. The critters fled at once, as if they had been one entity. In a flurry of fur and feathers, they all disappeared away, the birds obeying faster than the rest. All of them, gone in an instant. Except for one little fluffy white rabbit. “Out of my way…” I growled. Angel spread his arms wide, defiant. Fine. My patience had already run out. I made a sweeping gesture with one wing, and the bunny was sent flying by a blast of air. With a silent screech of fear, he landed straight on Fluttershy’s couch. For a moment, it stopped him from moving, then he scurried off behind the couch. Good, I smirked, already looking to the stairs. As I started to head that way however, I saw the same unmistakable white blur throw itself in my way. Angel, a frown on his face, stood firm in front of me, even as his limbs and lips trembled violently. One more step from me in his direction, and he might have pissed himself. Something like respect came to my mind at that. Jackass as he was, Angel at least had some guts. The Ventus that had shown up in Canterlot would have followed on that statement by confirming how much guts, precisely. Spilling would be his choice method. “I’m after him,” I snarled, barely restraining myself from stomping that annoyance to the ground. “I do not want to see your mistress right now. I’m not going to do anything to her.” Beady black eyes met mine in a frankly surprising display of devotion, before a glint of acknowledgement passed and broke away the staring contest. Angel Bunny quite literally bolted out of the room faster than I had ever witnessed a rabbit run. Good, I snorted, trotting upstairs. My pulse throbbed through my veins, circled at my head with the same furious focus that Caelum had once possessed. Monster. Heartless, pitiless bastard. He had rejoiced in their deaths. Those three leaders had last drawn breath with windigoes drinking at their lives, all under Caelum’s eyes. I could still see it, though with a growing blur. I would rejoice too in the event of his death. I would gladly dance on his grave. Yet, the small, weak, little voice of reason still inside my head whispered caution, reminded me of bigger risks and greater goals. I couldn’t afford to lose sight of that. Not now, not in the doorframe of the room where they had been drinking tea together. My shouting had alerted them to my presence much too clearly to allow for leniency. Shaking like a leaf, holding a litter of kittens in her legs, Fluttershy was trying her very best to silence the panicked mewling. Her own chest was rising rapidly, obviously affected by my sudden interruption at her house, yet she gave me no regard. All of her focus was upon those small lives that were crying out for help. It was simultaneously a beautiful image and sickeningly out of place. Not next to him, that destroyer of lives. “Hello, Windy,” Discord greeted me calmly, placing his cup of tea back on the small table, then turned to me with an air of reproach. “You’re interrupting tea time.” The skies rumbled. It was all I heard over the blurring hatred obscuring my sight. He dared! H-he dared act like I was the one that inconvenienced him. OVER TEA?! I wanted to bash his head in. A meek squeak rose over the cries of the kittens. “I-it’s n-n-no problem… really…” Discord acted as if he hadn’t heard her. “Not that I don’t understand the appeal of a conversation with someone as great as me, but you will have to wait your turn.” My tone could have frozen a windigo solid. “No, we are talking now.” Already, my mind was swirling with ideas on what to do, what to say next to get him to spill the beans. If he ran, I’d chase him. I’d find him, there was little place to hide from me, and less so from me and Thadal together. There’d be nowhere, and I could already call Twilight if he bothered to try. Except… he didn’t. To my ever growing surprise, Discord sighed and threw his cup through the fifth dimension. “Dreadfully sorry, my dear.” He gently patted Fluttershy on the head, winking with one of his disgusting yellow eyes, and made a grand standing. “But a certain alicorn has his head too far up his own rump to be polite! Typical, really.” He snapped his claws, and I felt suddenly unbalanced. My insides had jumped, unable to follow the acceleration and the downward spiral I was describing. There was no time, not to react, nor to think. No, on the moment my eyes caught sight of my surroundings, I had known on a deeper level that this was a realm where Time did not exist. Time was of Order. Without landing, my back sunk into a soft, gelatinous ground. My legs hung in the air, but I was standing on solid ground, amidst circles of brown and stars of red. The disorientation made my head spin. This place… With the tip of my wing, I reached for a color, somewhere on that horizon, and a very familiar yellow spread like thunder across the landscape. “Does this help clear your doubts?” I spun on my hooves, a snarl on my face and I shouted at the mismatched figure behind me. “I knew it! This is the realm we went through to reach Equestria!” Discord’s floating form seemed darkly amused. “It’s a realm of Chaos, little Windy.” I felt a shiver crawl up my spine. It was a place of perdition, of complete loss of reason in favor of primal things. Colors I did not recognize chased after sounds; tastes politely went around us as to not disturb our conversation, even when electrifying touches snarled from the confines of a non-cage worlds away. I could not define most of what I saw, not without coming up with entirely new terms for them. And something deep inside of me sang. It celebrated its return, wanted to mingle back into the Chaos, and it fought against me every inch of reason I could give. My body told me I had finally gotten back home. “So it really was you?” I whispered to the draconequus, fighting a shudder and a chuckle. “This whole mess is your fault?” Discord crossed his forearms over his chest in an all too common expression of annoyance. “The way I recall it, I’m not the one that played with forbidden spells. Of course, you might recall it differently, but that doesn’t mean you’re right.” His claw booped the tip of my muzzle. “Your brother decided to use that spell all on his lonesome with no input from me.” My hooves dug deeper into the ground as I tensed. “When a child finds a dangerous object and harms themselves playing with it, who is to blame? Is it the child? Or the one that left the thing lying around in the first place?” “Or the one that could not keep watch of them?” he shot back with a smirk. My blood boiled over. “You promised to use your powers for Good!” “Now, now…” He shook one long claw in disapproval, sickeningly paternal in his faked cared. “Don’t go around saying things you don’t think about things you don’t understand. I haven’t broken any promise here.” “Why?!” I snarled, taking a step toward him. “Do you think this doesn’t count?! Because you haven’t specifically promised not to do this?!” “No,” Discord said, shrugging, “because the spell you used was created before my reformation.” My eyes widened. What? “It was… hmmm, how to put it?” he mumbled while a rain of thesaurus fell sideways in the background. If I strained my ears, I could make out some of the words the books were shouting at the draconequus, until one made Discord’s gaze light up. “Ah, yes! That’s the one.” He snapped his claws. “A contingency.” The word rang to my ears. It couldn’t be… Our lives… our existences… reduced to that one single word. I saw, in the gaze that then fell on my form, that I was not reflected. There was simply that word, stamped all over me. A back-up. A spare. A fucking contingency for the Elder of Chaos and Disharmony. That was all my parents' despair, my brother’s loneliness and my own fears amounted to before this monster. “I can see you are having trouble grasping the idea, Windy. Here, let me explain. When the two you call your cousins came along with brand new weapons, of course I laughed in their faces. Not like it was going to make a difference regardless. But, just in case, I threw a little something together and sent it through a few dimensions.” My gaze fell to the ground, or what passed as such in this place. “Quite frankly,” Discord went on with his typical aplomb, “I figured something would come around in the first few decades of my imprisonment. But I suppose it got stuck somewhere. Maybe it crossed a few planes of existence then met a nice spell on the way, who knows?” “Stuck where?” I asked slowly, my voice growing distant to my own ears. “Anywhere. Maybe in-between one or two places. In a void or an antechamber of Reality. Well, regardless, from what I could read off of you, it got unstuck recently. Otherwise, I would think that world would be overrun by stuck-up self-righteous little cornies. Even a good dose of chaos can’t get the cosmic-sized pillars of creation out of your rumps. It’s… disappointing, really.” “…Disappointing,” I repeated, hoarse. Not that Discord would notice. He was on a roll now. “Well, not quite. It had its good points too. It was almost amusing, how you reacted I mean.” His claw touched my chin, lifted it up and forced me to look at the mixture of amusement and pride in his gaze. “I’m sure you didn’t know, truly. In fact, I was expecting more denial from you. That was part of the fun I had predicted, seeing the new alicorn try to convince the others they hadn’t always been like that even as they started to remember a whole new life. A slow but inevitable loss of self and purpose until one day there would be a brand new alicorn around, in every way.” It was all too easy to imagine somepony else in my horseshoes, slowly slipping away from their past life and deeper into madness as everything they recognized turned into falsehoods. I had struggled with it so many times myself. “But you?” Discord added. “You rolled with it, like a fish took to slightly muddied water. You lied, lied, lied and lied some more. You rolled in your lies and made up as much as you could and played the part of the perfect dreamy little prince. Not that you are one, because, wow, I’m almost impressed by how long it took to get Celestia to kick you out of her town.” For a short moment, he looked uncomfortable with his words, as if he noticed the compliment it paid to the ruler he hated. Of course, he brushed it off the next second. “Nevertheless, little corny, I quite like how you went the unpredictable way. I am a fan, you see. You acted, kept your own mental failings under wrap, then got ponies to bow to your face instead of being sent to an asylum. Not one of them to realize how bad you were under all that pretense. Of course, it helps that the spell compensated your lies, but hey, everyone needs to start somewhere.” The mention of the spell made a terrible idea appear at the front of my mind. “Y-you… you’re the one making up what’s in my head,” I said with a renewed fear clutching at my throat. “Not at all. I do not have remote control over this. It would be boring.” Discord folded his arms and rolled his eyes, as if I had somehow offended him. “No, it is designed to be a mindless reaction. And since I was in a hurry back then, the pattern is even rather predictable.” “I can make an educated guess,” Twilight had said. Discord snapped his claws together, blinding me with a flash of light. When my eyesight cleared, I saw him sitting over a miniature of an electric dam. “Let’s say… electricity. That should be familiar to you, yes, Mr. I-am-a-weather-pony. When left on its own, energy takes the path of the least resistance. Put a roadblock somewhere, and it will first try to go around it, not through it. Of course some things are harder to change than others, require more than a drop of power, so it goes another way. You’re of the Wind because the spot was empty and it was close to the Earth. You filled the seat because it was easier for the magic to find, and because messed-up little you is such a dead ringer for messed-up little Caelum.” I took the hit less graciously than I wanted. Accurate or not, the comparison to a mass-murderer racked my nerves the wrong way. “It’s not what I wanted! I never called the windigoes! I did not even choose my name!” “No, you did not control much, beyond the initial direction of your petty little lies. Why, some things just came with the package deal,” he chuckled, holding up a drawing of an alicorn with the words ‘pretty alicorn prince’ on top. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” In one fell motion, he crumbled the paper beneath his paws and transfigured it into a horrifically familiar spider. Its mandibles rubbed together as it stared at me with all eight of its black eyes. Then, it leapt forward, a fin trail of silk appearing in its track. “The web has been spun, now you get to stay tangled in it.” Discord declared in a grand standing, arms spread wide. “Well, unless you wish to ask your friend to add another layer to it. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” There was a squish, a sickening squelching wet sound as chitin gave out under the pressure of one of my hooves. At some point, I had started panting in anger, and it was only now, with Discord’s spider dead under me that I came to realize it. Cold licked at the tip of my feathers. No. Not anymore, I thought. I had been blinded by the windigoes’ malice. I had lost too much time defined by the darkness in me. The temptation was strong. There was power in those boiling emotions, power to carry me in the harshest times. Primal cries could force me into action when the coldest logic only left me empty and weak. But where had it taken me? Here? Scowling, I closed my eyes and emptied my mind. I pushed the anger down, all the fury, the rage, the churning hot desire for vengeance, all of it put aside. Calm overtook me, steadied my body while I struggled with acceptance. Fine. More of my fault, more of the same, done, acknowledged, moving on. There are more important things to care about. Slowly, I looked up to his floating form, straight into his eyes. “…Thanks for the explanation, but I think you don’t get it yet.” He went still. “I don’t care,” I growled in the echoing silence. For the first time since this conversation had started, Discord’s eyes went wide and his jaw dropped a few inches. It made a savage part of me cry out in triumph, but even that was ultimately insignificant. I almost scoffed at how shocking that had to be for him; he would not get it, not someone like him. What did he think I was pissed about? Being manipulated? Being transported? Being lied to? My anger fought to break free from its constraints. Almost succeeded. “Do you think I came to see you so you would tell us how we’re here?! I want one and only one thing out of you: send us back!” Discord… laughed… “Oh, ohhh-oh, yes, that is excellent.” He wiped out an inky black tear from his cheek. “You got me again, I’m truly glad you were the one to make the jump. It’s endlessly entertaining. Now, as for the request you kindly made…” He paused, the joyful burst slipping off his face, making my breath itch up. “I cannot.” The words fell like a death sentence. No. “Unmaking Chaos on a scale as massive as the one you are currently tilting is impossible for me.” It’s a lie! “I can no more undo the chaos of your collective existences than you could pluck out half this world’s atmosphere and turn it into stone.” I was not going to let him play that game! “Stop,” I commanded, shaking. “Impossible is not part of your vocabulary, Lord Discord.” “Eh, you’re half-right, I suppose, boy,” he admitted, pulling a face. “In a technical sense, I would be the ‘lord’ of a little corny of Chaos like you are, but that has nothing to do with it. Do you not understand what Spirits are? Even for Chaos, there are some limits. And Chaos does not disappear if you add more Chaos on top of it. Things just grow more chaotic.” I stared, and he stared back, all of his goat-like head frozen in rigid honesty. Of all the times, of all the places, he chose now to be the figure of unwavering truth. “…It’s not a joke this time,” I said, my knees weakening. “You, of all people, are serious.” Still stuck in this uncharacteristic sternness, Discord nodded once. My thoughts grew frantic. The facts flew through my head in the briefest glimpses, all of them a screech of reason or fear. It could only be impossible if we had scrambled the order of things too much. I desperately reviewed everything I knew of our presence, recalled the reactions I had seen on a screen once, and found the terror rising. I snarled and shouted, my voice growing thunderous with every maddened heartbeat in my chest. “You’re wrong! We’ve been causing ripples, yes, but nowhere near as much as you claim! You CAN send us back and you WILL!” Discord drawled, “Oh my naïve little corny.” Supremely indifferent to his declarations’ effects on me, he patted my head, and I found myself unable to move. A low rumbling sound shook his chest, the closest I could equate it to being a barely restrained chuckle. He spoke, and he sounded incredulous. “You didn’t cause that much chaos? Inside Equestria, maybe.” Every strand of fur on my body stood on edge. “W-what do you mean?” “Alicorns are quite the powerful species, aren’t they?” he said, slowly, as if talking to an innocent foal. “Everyone is aware of that, right?” Everyone. No, that… it couldn’t be… Discord put on small spectacles on the tip of his muzzle and pointed at a black backboard that hadn’t been here a second ago. “As of your friend’s arrival, there are now seven alicorns in Equestria. Quite the jump when one considers that there was only one less than a decade ago. And now, for the bonus question…” The crude sketchy drawings of the seven little alicorns shrunk down on the board. Then, springing from nowhere, a green piece of chalk swiftly created another shape surrounding them, then another just below, to the left… to the right… “What do you think that looks like to the neighboring countries?” I felt pined to the ground, with nails piercing through my hooves. I knew the answer to his question. My ears could not quite reach much beyond the borders of Equestria nowadays, but I still could pick up on certain clues. There was unrest in Canterlot, especially, with the arrival of a couple of foreign diplomats. It was almost too easy to imagine myself in their hooves. The mask slipped on my face, and I was a griffon ambassador walking up to the throne. I remembered doing the very same thing five years ago, when it was only Celestia the Undimmed on her dais, serene as the negotiations had started. I remained as calm, of course, with the knowledge of the Powers backing my nation. However, now there was sweat tickling down my beak as a circle of alicorn sat at the end of the negotiation tables, and I was no longer as self-confident when it came to speaking up. Ziz was more likely to side with mine, but could he triumph against four of Celestia’s? Another came, a minotaur, and the scenario played the same. A dog, a zebra, a camel, a deer, and so forth. All came to the same conclusion, and gears shifted in their heads. Equestria’s power had grown. I looked at Discord in despair, wishing he would contradict me, somehow. “A… an arm race… They think Celestia gathered weapons of mass destruction.” Everything started to unravel. Back then, back then when we had first arrived, Celly had asked we be sent to her, and a veritable audience of nobles, dignitaries and journalists of all sorts had been present. It had been a public event, showing that we were subservient to her. Of course we got status as princes of Equestria. If… if the spell hadn’t hit her and made her think of us as her cousin’s children, she would have still bestowed it upon us. If we weren’t affiliated with one kingdom, another would come. Better Equestria than any number of her political rivals. And many would come for two alicorns! E-even if one… was still just a colt. Sickening images flashed past my eyes, of indistinct creatures telling themselves that if they could only capture one while they were still young, they could be raised loyal… Whispers reached my ears. Dark, cold, angry whispers that had nothing to envy to the voices of the windigoes themselves. I would have killed whoever had tried to brainwash my little brother. I would have sparked a war over him and slaughtered every enemy myself if they had threatened him. But I hadn’t needed to. Celestia had seen to that. When she told her court we were her cousins, she placed us under her protection. An attack on us was an attack against Equestria. Many would look at the White Alicorn on her throne and decide that there may be a wiser course of action. Celestia had given us asylum. And in the process, she had sealed our positions into the world. It was not the matter of when, but where our presence would disturb the world’s politics. There had never been any hope from the start. “Well, well, looks like you finally chose to think for yourself about what Miss Sunshine was doing. Did it really take you my help to see it?” he asked mockingly, and I looked away in shame. “Celestia never believes me when I tell her she does too much to protect her subjects.” “It’s… don’t,” I struggled to say. “She’s doing what she thinks is best… It was my own stupidity. I sang to the foals…” “Oh sure, your little singing stunt may have forced the laser back on you, but it’s not like you were exactly invisible before.” He scoffed dismissively. His claw abruptly disappeared from view, even if I could still feel its grasp on my chin. “Don’t worry about that, it didn’t make a difference in that regard.” “S-she… Celly made us leave under an illusion,” I said with a note of despair in my voice. There had to be something – anything – to salvage it. “She spirited us away. Nopony knows where we are!” “Yes, when things were starting to grow just a teensy bitsy bit urgent, Celestia did make you look orange. But it’s not as if the rest of the world has nothing on you.” Just then, something cylinder shaped fell on my face and bounced off to the ground. It rolled away from me, unevenly, with a rope tied around its middle section. Even then, I could see writing in ink, and it started to sink in. In the distance, something shouted “Extra, extra, the exclusive interview of a draconequus. His secrets revealed!” “The… newspapers?” Another flash of light, then the papers unfolded, leaving the front-page visible. The pictures were old. They were of me and Calx and – I had already read this paper before. My heart skipping a beat, I saw a high tower of articles toppled over, I saw the names of so many companies, so many organizations defined by the spreading of information. I only recognized the first three. There were dozens; the words were in languages unlike Equestrian, the few pictures of the journalists showed many creatures, but no pony. And there was a newer one in the pile. An edition of the Canterlot Daily, without a front page gossiping about me. This one held my curiosity more than the others. The day of the publication seemed off in comparison to the rest, and I had a feeling I knew why. I found it. An editorial, showing a letter of resignation by a certain Blotted Ink. I knew that name; it was all over the previous articles, save one or two. He was the pony I had humiliated with my curse. I saw Celestia’s eyes again, disappointed, saddened. She had asked if I had even cared about his fate. She had looked, she had known, and I must have appeared such a petty, unworthy foal. I’m sorry… The draconequus, however, was pitiless. “They know you can be provoked, they know that you will respond in kinds with spells unheard of. Certainly, a few ponies up in Cantaloup wizened to the fact and stopped the articles, but now, there are certainly some that wonder if it might not have been real. Touching genitals between closed relatives aside,” Discord chuckled, darkly amused, “a good number of fools abroad are thinking she planned this all over the years.” Oh Celly… “Right after lil’ Chryssie had her on the ropes, Celestia, the peaceful gentle ruler that ate a beam of love to the horn, got another extra three alicorns to show up under her crown. Two of which that could be her illegitimate sons with a secret, unheard-of alicorn.” He seemed almost casual at that point, as if talking about the weather. “They’re nervous. VERY nervous. Imagine what they would do if they knew what you can hear.” War. They’d accuse Equestria of spying, they’d demand compensations, reparations, concessions, by the dozens. And that was all without what they would try to do to me in particular. The best case scenario would be a geas to keep silent to what I came to know through my power. Worst case… Something hardened within my chest. All of this, all of it was happening because of my weakness. Had I ever stopped and thought about it, I would have known. I would have spent my energy elsewhere. My mouth twisted in a scowl. “You really can’t send us back…” “Nope,” Discord said nonchalantly. “Glad to see it finally got through your thick skull. Why, for a moment here, I almost felt for Celestia.” The idea seemed to bother him, to bring just a bit of panic. Yeah, how dare he even superficially feel any compassion for the immortal princess that had dealt with ruling for a thousand years on her own? How dare he even consider her job hard after he had admitted to throwing worldwide politics in shambles?! “Well, that’s that.” He threw his arms in the air, yawning and patting himself in the back with his tail. “I think I am getting the hang of this ‘good’ nonsense. I graciously told you what you needed to know, all without asking for a single thing in return. What do you say to that, Windy?” …What did I want to say to him? I wanted to laugh and I wanted to puke. T-that was going to be it, right? He had played his game, he had reveled in a bit of gloating and now it was going to come to an end with me enlightened about how hopeless everything is? I fought for control, I really tried to, but I lost so miserably it could not be called a fight. I was livid. “You know what?” I asked with an icy tone. “Fine, I’m going to be that bucking stupid! I’m going to tell you exactly what I think you deserve to hear, you thrice damned monster.” Discord’s eyebrows shot upward. “Hey, what is up with this mood swing?” I gritted my teeth so hard my jaw hurt. “You’re not good, Lord Discord. You will never be! You lied! You lied to her face!” I stomped. “When Fluttershy was about to leave you, when it came to losing her friendship versus your freedom, you lied. The whole reason you gave for your monstrosity was a lie! You have had friends before. You just deny it.” He stared. “Have you told them? Any of them?” I pressed, somehow standing to eye level with him. “It’s not your first redemption. It’s not the first time you said you turned your hat.” “Well…” he had the good grace to hesitate. “I suppose they were technically fitting the description. But that was a long time ago, when I was a young and naïve draconequus not wise to the way of the world. It didn’t count.” “It never does with you! How could Discord ever just settle down on one side? You’re CHAOS. It’s in the job description! You just jump between alignments at random, whenever and wherever. It’s just that you stay on them long enough that mortals forget. But the alicorns remember, they know that you’re untrustworthy and that you will never choose a side permanently.” His face scrunched up, and his eyes narrowed. “The horde of humorless freaks do not know me, Windy. You would be wise to remember that.” Ah! Wise, me?! Who did he think he just spent an hour lecturing on his continuous mistakes? I ignored his threat entirely. “And the irony of you calling yourself ‘good’ now? You’re not and you will never be.” Discord’s form loomed over me, a shadow passing over his every feature, save for his twitching eyes. “I can be anything I want to be, foal! I am Chaos, I am Formless and All-Forms together!” “Ah!” I scoffed, and it was a sound so bitter. “You need a proof perhaps? After you stood there, after you explained to me in details exactly how and why my brother, my friend and I are all stuck here, what was it you did? You gloated! You thought it was amusing, a foolish moronic catastrophe that happened because someone didn’t have the foresight not to be somehow omniscient and know that you rigged the game from the first step! Do you remember Fluttershy in the maze?!” Perhaps it was the mention of his friend that did the trick. I didn’t know, I didn’t care enough to find out, but this time, my words had an effect on him. The sense of doom lessened to a manageable level while he shrunk to his normal size. There was careful consideration in his eyes, an hesitation. I seized it. “And that’s only the things you did to me personally! Are you going to eat popcorn and watch if this mess of politics you made reaches the breaking point?! People DIE when war is declared!” I faltered, reeling from my own accusation. I had only been part of a single fight since my arrival in Equestria, but the chaos at that time… I did not want to relive it. I did not want to see things spiral out of control again, to see many brave ones look Vitam Mortem in the eyes. I did not shout. I spoke quietly, disgust rolling off me in waves. “If you had told half of this to Fluttershy, how long before she dumped your ass in the street? Oh, oh no, her you don’t tell, but others… it’s a joke…” I sniffed, scoffed and balked, the last of my anger spent. “You told me… you told me I completely ruined my parents’ lives, that I dragged a friend of mine into this mess, that I failed the one who counts on me the most… and that there’s no solution…” I hung my head, willing this to be a nightmare, but knowing that it was only too real. “That it was your fault…” One last echo of anger seeped through my tone. “And you did not even apologize, you laughed. That’s why you will never be good. Not like this.” There was a moment of silence. The realm of madness we were in had long since stopped registering. It was only the two of us, and Discord seemed concerned, one mare in mind. I was the one to break the quiet. “So?” I chuckled darkly, and looked up straight into those creepy yellow eyes of his. “How screwed am I now?” -- My landing conveniently happened on the only rock on the hill overlooking Ponyville. The muted pain spread across my shoulder, but it did not silence the angry laughter coming through my mouth. He promised he’d get back at me later, for the principle of the thing. Saying ‘I told you so’ had never been more satisfying before, but nothing could quite beat asking him what he thought his next encounter with the Elements of Harmony would be like. If there had been anytime I had been playing with fire, it had been then. …For what it mattered. Not even the Elder of Chaos could send us back. He was the only one with the actual power to do it and he couldn’t. Celestia and Luna couldn’t use Chaos; Cadence and Twilight weren’t strong enough to use Chaos or Order! We were stuck. A-and I didn’t even… I… I abandoned them! There had been so much more I could have done. I could have talked to them, I could have confessed my thoughts, I could have shown them, could have asked them to stay while I did the ritual, could have done that, could have. But I hadn’t. It had all been impulsiveness, stupidity and rage. And the result really spoke for itself. Restless, I paced from one end of the hill to the other, staying on the plateau and trying to think over everything that Discord had told me. Not only were we not getting a magic pass from him out of nowhere, but our troubles were only growing direr by the day. No… There was no way the producers would allow something like war on air. Right? This was a show for young girls! They didn’t plan to have us either though, my voice reminded me. “No. It’s going to be okay,” I whispered. “Celly’s still working on things back in Canterlot. We just need to keep quiet, stop making troubles and find a way home without calling attention to the fact that we exist. There, if we just follow that plan, we’ll-” “For God’s sake!” I heard over the rest, one ear twitching. “Sam, where are you?! I know you can hear me!” There was only one stallion that would say that. I let out a long sigh, then focused my voice to carry over to him. “I’m outside Ponyville, T-… Eric.” If it startled him, he didn’t let it show. He replied on the spot. “What are you doing? Where did you go?” “I felt overwhelmed.” Understatement. I felt like I could explode at any given moment. “I couldn’t stay in the library anymore.” “Well, are you coming back now?” he asked strongly, his voice shaking. “I was getting scared when you didn’t reply!” “Not yet… I… I really can’t.” I glanced up at the sky, empty like every other evening, but riddled with traits of dark red, purple and pink. “Please look over Tom while I’m sorting this out.” “B-but, Sam, what will you-?” “I don’t know.” There was a moment of silence, and I could only imagine what was going on through his head. He had… he had done this to himself, to help. And I was shutting him out. But if I went over right now, I’d tell him everything and I wasn’t sure I could find the guts to. I was going to rip out his world from him, I knew. So… if I could just delay, enough to sort out my own feelings first… He finally agreed to it after another minute of silence. “I’ll be at your place. Don’t do anything stupid, okay?” I sighed in relief, grateful and saying as much. However, that moment of triumph was cut short, for it seemed I would not be able to be on my own long. Little feet, not hooves, came down on the grass behind me. They paused, twice, each time squishing the blades of grass under their scales. Sighing, I hid my annoyance. He hadn’t done anything to earn enmity from me. Quite the opposite, he was one of those that I felt a good deal of gratitude toward. “Hey Spike,” I said clearly. He startled at the sound of my voice and quickly ran in front of me. “Ah! …hi, huh…” He paused, rubbing his arm. “I’m not sure what to call you actually when we’re not in the library…” I smiled at his honest emerald eyes. It was a question like any other to him. Perhaps that was why it didn’t bother me. With the tap of a hoof, I urged him closer. “Just go with Cloud for now. More ponies know me with that name.” “Alright… Cloud,” he stumbled a bit, but caught himself. “Might take some time getting used to it.” “It’s okay.” I rubbed the top of his head. “It was the same for me at first. Can you believe somepony had to call after me four times before I remembered that Cloud’s my name now? I had to pretend that I had been momentarily deafened by an unexpected thunderbolt. It’s harder to sell than you would think, especially when you were assigned to filing reports indoors.” The story brought a few timid snorts at first, that soon devolved into louder chuckles. A well-timed bout of miming made it reach the next level. For those few instants, we were both laughing loudly, but all too quickly, the laughter came to an end and Spike sighed sadly. “You okay, little guy?” “Yeah… I am. It’s just that Twilight was real worried because you disappeared on them. She asked me to keep an eye out for you.” He started fiddling with his claws again, a reddish taint coloring his face. “I… might have been a bit worried too…” Colts, I thought fondly, unable to restrain from imagining Calx in his place doing more or less the same thing. “I see. Sorry about that. I just…” I paused, biting my lips. “I found out who…” I couldn’t tell that to Spike. The poor kid didn’t deserve that kind of burden. Hay, I was just his sister’s coltfriend. “…Who did something bad to my family.” I had hoped to leave it at that. But of course, Spike was a curious boy trying to figure out what was going on around him. “Who was it?” The name almost slipped out of my mouth. Almost. It wouldn’t do to get them on Discord’s back. What would it change? Sure, it’d feel good to have him back to stone, but it’d hurt Fluttershy, and by proxy, every one of her friends. I really didn’t want to hurt Twilight more than I already had. And if I turned on him, he might blurt out a few facts I’d rather not be made public. Things were already bad enough as they were. “Nevermind that. Just…” The words failed me. How to tell him about all I had weighting on my mind? “Spike?” “Yeah?” he asked, still eager for details. “Cherish the ones you love, okay? Can you promise to do that?” He blinked, nonplussed by the seemingly nonsensical change of subject, but I could see the idea making its way in his head. The gears turned and he registered my question. His face serious with fierce determination, he rose a paw to his head in a solemn salute. “Dragon’s honor, I promise I will.” I could not help but smile again, and Elders’ sake, it felt good for that fleeting moment. He was just making my day better in such simple ways. It wouldn’t do to neglect to return the favor. “I’ll take you to Sugarcube Corner with Calx when this is all over with, okay?” “Really?” he asked with an all too childish eagerness. “Will… will I be able to have the sapphire cupcakes? Twilight says they’re expensive but…” It was too precious to see Spike fiddle with his own claws like that. The poor boy was too polite to give in completely to his desire, but he was unable to hide how badly he was hoping I would say yes. “Don’t worry about it. You’re getting the sapphire cupcakes for sure.” I smiled, then brushed his top fin. “Come now, go back to your sister. Tell her I’ll be alright.” The little drake hesitated. “You’re not coming back with me?” With a sigh, I shook my head. “I just need some time alone. To think on what happens next.” Still Spike looked uncertain, frowning in concern for me. It took another reassurance from me to get him to leave. Even then he seemed ready to try to convince me with all of his draconic wits and charisma. Promises of another bribe sufficed this time around, and it made me chuckle to see him happy. “Now go,” I said after a quick hug. When he was truly out of sight, I allowed the smile to drop from my face. -- I had quickly found the perfect place for being alone and I was savoring my luck for all it was worth, my muzzle deep inside of a glass mug and a small trickle dampening both sides of my chin. The heat sticking to my throat and my mouth echoed well the almost suffocative warmth of this place. Whole strands of my mane were falling over my face and stayed glued there. Most likely, I must have looked at least a quarter of the mess I felt inside, not that ponies were likely to notice. The place was so dark most everypony were indistinct… and kept changing under the few rays of green, red or blue light. My own alternated between sick neon green and dirty brown every five seconds or so. For what it mattered. That would be what? Third, fourth skin I slipped under? Whatever. I’d be Giant Moron, the drunkard unicorn. I’d fit right in with the crowd of this bar. In the air, there was this lingering smell of sweat, of cheap deep-fried food and of booze, drifting from one pony to another and setting the mood for whatever debauchery one had in mind. Two mares in the back certainly whispered enough to leave nothing to the imagination, position, how much they wanted one another, how they were going to buck each other’s brain out. The whole thing, and that was only two horny mares. The background music just barely drowned out most of the lewd proposals being made in the bar. Who would care for the lonely nerdy drunk nursing his liquor then? Nopony and that was just right with me, I could down another… My thoughts came to a halt as I staggered in place, my vision blurring, the sound of glass hitting wood ringing in my ears. Another bout of nausea hit me hard, and I reluctantly pushed the mug away. I wasn’t… I-I needed a… a second… My cheek rested heavily against the wooden surface, a sensation of lightness pulsing through my head and what little I could see slowly tried to tilt on the side. It felt as if my own body would follow. Wouldn’t that just be a good idea? Lie down and pass out forever. Unfortunately, I felt a breath of fresher air, the faint perfume of flowers rather than that of alcohol, and a pony moved in front of me. “Broken heart, sweetie?” Lazily, I shifted on my seat enough to glance up at the purple mare on the other side of the counter. There was something compassionate in her eyes, but thankfully no smile to pretend it’d get better. “…Nope,” I said, pushing my empty glass closer to her. “…Family trouble.” A few more bits clattered in front of her, the noise drowned out by the ambient music and the chatter of the various ponies around the bar. It filled the moment of silence between me and the barmaid as she tried to judge if there was more wisdom in letting me cooldown. “I see.” She gathered the bits, then tilted an opaque bottle over my glass. “If you need somepony to listen… well, it’s part of my job description.” Really? Did I actually have the option to talk nowadays? Knowing me, I’d end up spinning a tale on how I was a tragic little bitch being tricked by a horny dog or whatever nonsense I made up. It was all real anyway. Always, never. Finally, the thirst won over the rest, and I made to refuse her generous offer. Weakly, just enough to lift my head from the counter, and shake it, “Leave… leave the bottle, please… I’m going to need it.” There was a second of pause, a moment where her body stilled in hesitation, as if debating the wisdom of my binge drinking. If I wasn’t so wasted, I could have probably guessed more from the way her brows furrowed together, or the glance she sent to a door in the back. Regardless, the barmaid placed the bottle next to my head with a sigh, muttering under her breath on how she hated that part of her job. She probably got one or two broken ponies trying to drown out their troubles every night. The strangest thing was that she hadn’t sounded bitter, just sad. I’d feel guilty about it another day. Time for some liquid courage-slash-forgetfulness. “Cloud?” Can’t I just…? I started to think, only for my brain to identify the voice of the pony quickly trotting to the counter. “Thunderlane…” I slurred as a greeting. “Luna’s teats…” he whispered with an incredulous tone, “it’s really you.” Okay, maybe I do look exactly as messed up as I feel, I thought at the concerned glance he was sending my mug’s way. “Yeah… guess so…” I said, slumping down. “Sorta, maybe, I lost count anyway.” The slip went unnoticed, or was passed off as drunken rambling, as Thunderlane quickly sat down in the cushion next to mine and spoke softly. “Talk to me, pal.” His hoof spread warmth into my back, as he started to stroke it in circle. “What’s wrong?” My tongue was almost loose enough to spill it out. “N-nuthing, s’not sumthing you should worry about…” I muttered, and suddenly rose in me the need for more alcohol. With a whine, I saw the same bottle I longed for be taken away by a black hoof. “Horseapples, Cloud,” he growled, his eyes hardening. He looked so earnest then, honestly concerned and angry on my behalf. The way his feathers were shuddering, I would bet the first name I said would have to fear a good beating. There was no doubt in my mind, he was itching to do something to help. Something warm bubbled up in my chest, something good. A part of me stopped fighting, relaxed under his hoof. Yet cold seeped in as well, dire warnings ringing in my memories of the chaos the ‘truth’ had brought. I couldn’t… If I… I stifled a bitter laugh at one more monstrous thought. I was glad. I was clinging to that order Celestia had given me. It was not just my fault that I had to lie again. This time, I could take comfort knowing… knowing it wasn’t just my flaws taking over. I was just that craven. “Fine, I’ll tell you.” One more lie. Thunderlane shifted, his ears twitching and turning toward me. “Remember…” I started, raising a hoof and pointing at nothing. “Remember this stuff I told you, about this family friend who took us in in Gallopfrey…?” He nodded quickly, and I took another deep breath to steel my resolve. “W-well… I just got some news from an old friend of mine that came to visit.” I could feel the exact moment his muscles tensed, the exact moment the realization sank in. He just looked so sorry for me. “Basically…” I said, looking down at my almost empty mug, “…our previous caretaker is in the hospital.” “Buck…” He swore under his breath, then gave another look to my messed up appearance. “How bad is it?” Worse, but that was more than I could say. So, I went with the truth that had been weighting me down for weeks. “I don’t know if we’ll ever see them alive again… And we can’t even afford the train ride.” There was a bang, a booming stomp that shook the whole counter and sent a few glasses toppling. Startled, barely suppressing the urge to flap my wings to fly away, I turned to the source of that noise. Thunderlane’s gaze had turned into a harsh glare, and he spoke up with a tone that brokered no argument. “Cloud! How much do you need?!” My breath cut short while my eyes became large as saucers. “T-Thunderlane!” I shouted in shock. What was it with ponies that made them so loyal so shortly?! I knew for a fact that he was not in a brilliant financial situation, so why would he even propose that?! “You…” The words kept getting shambled in my mouth. “You, there’s no… you don’t have that kind of money!” “Buck that, I don’t care!” he yelled back, his wings almost flaring. “How much do you need?” IT’S JUST ANOTHER FUCKING LIE, THUNDERLANE! Stop… stop caring about me… “Look, I… I can’t tell you how much that meant…” I choked, refusing to look at him any longer. I had… Elders’ sake, I couldn’t let him waste what little he earned on me! “But… but it won’t work. Even if we left right now, we won’t get there in time. It is, as the expert told me, much too late for that. They probably passed away shortly before I got the message.” Two strong black hooves grabbed my shoulders and forced me to face a stern Thunderlane. “Cloud, you can’t give up like that! It could be your last chance to talk to your guardian! The last one your brother will get!” It was like he had stabbed me in the heart. I had never felt more physically ill before, and none of it could be blamed on the drinking. I sagged in his grasp, ears drooping down, unable to speak above much of a whisper. “I… I don’t want to go. I… I just got a job here, I’ve had to call in sick less than a week in. I can’t… and Feather….” One of my hoof stuck to the counter, hung onto it for dear life, like it was my lifeline. “How am I ever going to tell my brother about it?! S-should I even…?” At the rhythm things have gone, we’ll have both forgotten mostly everything soon enough… “You can’t hide it, Cloud,” Thunderlane said firmly. “There’s just no way you can do that to him. He doesn’t deserve that.” “B-but…” “Though, for now,” he added with a gentle tone, “I think you need to deal with it yourself first.” Thunderlane slammed a hoofful of bits onto the counter, and the bartender came back with another bottle. Of stronger stuff. Now, that was a friend. -- At some point, everything had started to become indistinct. I remembered laughing, loudly, at the stupidest jokes. I remembered downing a bottle of something so burning my throat still felt sore. I remembered a challenge in-between me, Thunderlane and some random earth pony mare at the bar, which she fulfilled much faster than us. Dancing, flirting drinking, all under the deafening pulsing beat of the music filling the bar. I did not remember how I had ended up on stage with a mic held clumsily somewhere in front of my mouth. It did not stop me from belting out the words at the top of my lungs. ~ On the Last Day of Summer… ~ I was selfish, I went away… I didn’t think of you… There were jeering and cheering from the drunken crowd in equal measures. I had no idea who was doing what. A large column of light shone down directly on my face, courtesy of the bar’s spotlight. So, staring into the blinding whiteness ahead, I was letting the impulse within carry the song. ~ On the Last Day of Summer ~ We were young, we didn’t think it through. A knot started to tie my guts, even as I tried to babble the rest of the chorus. ~ I swear I will remember. ~ I-I… will... My voice died down. I staggered on my hooves, unsteady, unable to see clearly. The lyrics kept echoing in my mind, accusing me. I was selfish, I went away. And I did! I threw everything away because I couldn’t take it! I did everything with the barest thought given to it, hoping for the best and falling flat on my ass when, surprise, surprise, things didn’t work that way! And now… Now… I could only hope to remember. “Okay,” Thunderlane said with a slight slur, pulling at my shoulders. “I think that’s enough for tonight. Let’s get you back in your bed.” Defeated, unable to think of a response, I let him lead me off the stage under the uncoordinated applause of the bar’s clientele. Trotting down the three steps was hazardous, especially when my friend’s grip on the rail wasn’t as steady as he would have liked. Once there though, he was accosted by a mare coming from behind the bar’s counter. Her brows were furrowed together. They said something, but it did not register. It simply mixed up with the rest of the buzzing sounds from across the country. Whatever it was, Thunderlane agreed to it with too much enthusiasm, the mare’s ears flattening against her skull at the volume used. Still grinning, he got me to follow in through the crowd of ponies. He was my only point of reference, the only thing I still was vaguely conscious of. He grabbed my hoof again, pulled me forward, and the ambiance shifted drastically. Stumbling, I realized that the music had been muffled, held at bay by the now closed door behind us. The lighting had changed, from brightly colored darkness of the bar to a much subdued night under Luna’s constellations. Whereas I had almost suffocated inside, the air outside was chilling and free. It hit my senses strongly and sent a shiver down my spine. “It helps, doesn’t it?” Thunderlane said, breathing in the night’s breeze. He, on the contrary, seemed invigorated by the change of scenery, his wings twitching with the call of flight striking him. I could understand wanting to fly away and leave somewhere behind forever. I… I could… “Wow, Cloud,” Thunderlane cried out, pulling me closer. “Don’t cry, pal. I’m here for you. I can listen.” I’m… crying? I thought, bringing a hoof to my eyes and feeling it dampen. I had not even realized. Thinking about it had just brought back too many swirling feelings inside. “S-sorry, just came back to me.” I tried to look away and keep a bit of dignity intact, but it was easier said than done when held by a headstrong pegasus. “Don’t worry.” His hold shifted, and eased me into sitting position. “Alright… just sit down. T-taaake a minute to c-clear your head. S’a beautiful night.” That cheesy line was enough to get a light chuckle out of me. Of course it was a beautiful night in Equestria; an alicorn princess was taking care of it, and the poor sap on the weather patrol’s night shift was keeping rogue clouds at bay. For any moment of the day in this country to be ugly, it had to be planned. Sure enough, the thoughts distracted me long enough to push down the sadness under manageable levels. I sniffed, smirking back at Thunderlane who was proud of his work, then rolled my eyes. He could be many things. Truly. “C-check dis out…” I said, focusing a bit of strength through my horn. Moisture gathered at my behest, swarming into a single spot in front of us, molding into a form of water vapor. Thunderlane, despite himself, leaned forward at the impromptu cloud shaping trick I was doing. A wild shit-eating grin plastered on my face, I presented him a cloud in the shape of a truly overweight pegasus. And, for the one-liner… “Fierce Storm, ten years from now on.” Thunderlane chortled with laughter. He shook all over, his knees more than the rest of him. Once, he faltered enough that I swerved with him. For a brief moment, it looked as if we would be splayed over the dirt road of Ponyville, and maybe stay there till morning. We barely avoided that fate when he steadied himself and sighed in content. “Okaaay, C-Cloud,” Thunderlane slurred, putting a leg around my shoulder. “I think s’time to get you to bed…” “No, c-come on, not bed… ‘M always waking up different. Got the horn one day, got different fur the other, changed my name, twice, thrice, maybe, not sure anymore… Twilight. I got to… I got to talk to her. She’ll…” “Are you…” he paused, putting a hoof to his mouth before burping loudly. “Are you sure?” “Maybe? What am I… S’mday…” I slurred, leaning more against my friend’s shoulder. “I’m going to… to tell ya… the time I was more a great ape, ‘kay?” Thunderlane snorted. “You definitely are off your rockers.” Huh… Maybe I never was human in the first place… -- The soap banged against the porcelain-like ground. It had fallen when my magic flickered out, and then had started sliding away from me. I made no move to get it back. I was more or less convinced it would be akin to standing on my horn while dangling over a pit of lava while also holding a basket full of babies in my hooves. Plus, there was something else on my mind. I was accurately making a comparison between now and the time windigoes had almost taken over my soul. The shivering cold bit at my flesh, sticking to me like my own wet coat. The showerhead spat so much water at once it felt like waves instead of droplets. Distantly, a small part of me wondered if that was just Thadal being rightly pissed. It was cold, just… shockingly cold. Any and all traces of fatigue had long left me with this whip to my flesh. Even after I had twisted the lever with my magic, the cold stayed, dripping down from me with each drop of water. I stood immobile for a long time, shivering, trying to keep things at least somewhat clear. I was in the library. We had woken up Twilight in the middle of the night… No, Thunderlane had, he was the one banging his hooves on the door. I had merely… lain across his back, my chin resting against his… – right? Yeah – right wing. …What kind of absolute stupidity had led me to suggest that? She did not need to see me like that. That was pathetic! …At least, when Thunderlane had carried me through the door, she hadn’t thrown us out. Twilight had taken one look at me, had held back a sniff, and carried me to her shower once I had collapsed half on top of her. Smart. At least I wouldn’t be stinking of alcohol so much anymore. The water and soap had taken care of that. Of the rest however, I still felt very dizzy. I finally opened my eyes to a blurry mess of a bathroom. Two phantom handles and two transparent showerheads, slightly out of synch but trying to mix into one. Two edges to the bath, both covered with liquid, bubbly shimmering liquid. Slowly, I put a hoof over the second edge, then another. Both felt damp, both were standing in puddles. It was when I tried to put a third leg out of the bath that I slipped. Pain exploded in my muzzle from the hard tiled floor it made contact with. Groaning, I stood up again, the dizziness mixing with that burning throughout my face. One of my wings leaned against the wall. Great…I should have faded mid-fall. I scowled, testing the sensitive spot with a levitated tissue. Too late for that now… Frowning, I looked at the bit of red contrasting the white. Yup, I had definitely gotten a nosebleed from falling out of the shower. Great. My head might have started to clear, but I was obviously still far from my normal self. Tomorrow’s hangover is going to hurt. “Are you okay in there?” came Twilight’s question. My reflex was to call out in reply, just enough to put her worries to rest, but when it came down to say ‘I’m okay’, it wouldn’t come out. I hesitated for too long, for the knob span and the door opened up on my sweet marefriend. One quick look at me, one flash in her eyes as she glanced at my bloodied muzzle, and she was gently trying to lead me out of the room. And I followed after her, like an overgrown duckling that had three left hooves. Even sitting down proved a challenge, as I almost crushed my tail under my weight on my first try, then stumbled a bit against her bedside table on the second. The more this went on, the more I was rethinking how brilliant drowning myself under as many bottles of hard liquor I could find was. Doubly so when the harsh light of a candle pierced through my abused eyes. “It doesn’t look broken,” Twilight said, expertly examining me. “Did you fall face first?” I let out a grunt, shrinking on myself in shame. I had to look like the crappiest stallion ever to her. And what I looked like was the least of what I had done to her. How… how could I?! But then, her legs draped around me, pulled me in for a loving hug. “It’s okay, Ventus. Don’t worry about it, I’ve been far clumsier.” It was nice – too nice – to feel her support right now. “Twilight…” I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to do this. “I… I think we need to speak.” She stilled against me, the words having reached a sensible chord inside. Slowly, she distanced herself from me, locking gaze with me with such sincerity I fought a wince. “Now you want to speak?” she repeated, low enough I couldn’t tell if she had meant me to hear. Her voice felt harsher than usual, ringing with an unusual note. “Then let’s talk, Ventus. Where were you earlier? Spike said he saw you outside of town, but not where you came from. So where did you go? I couldn’t even find your signature in the air. We were worried you had decided to go do something stupid.” “I did. I left to speak with Discord,” my mouth said. The name likely was enough. So many things flashed on her face: shock, realization, anger, worry. Only half of those were directed at me, but they stung all the same. It all came down to a word, one that I could be thankful she hadn’t vocalized. Why? I had no single answer to that. Why had I left on the spot? Too angry. Why hadn’t I told anypony? Stuck in my own lies. Why hadn’t I come back sooner? Why do this to myself instead of seeking out my loved ones? Because I was so sick with myself I didn’t wish somepony like me on my worst enemy. But I could not even find the strength to say that. Too weak. Liar. Twilight let out a long sigh, and looked at me with saddened eyes. “…He’s the one that created that spell, isn’t he? The whole thing is beyond any mortal caster I can think of.” There was no doubt in her voice. “He is. He admitted to it and explained a good deal about it to me. Long story short…” I took one long shuddery breath. “…he can’t send us back. I don’t trust him, but I can see exactly why it’s an issue. It’s a… ‘spirit’ thing. I don’t think he’s lying this time.” “You don’t know that!” she said with a staggering force. “I faced him before. The more reasonable he sounds, the more you should doubt! I could have told you that before!” “I… Sorry.” My eyes went to the floor as my breath got caught in my throat. I hadn’t been able to come back to her. To Thadal or Calx. It had all been just too much, and I had… “I needed to think…” “And drink, apparently,” Twilight deadpanned. The words ticked at my ears and I pawed at the ground guiltily. “Y-yeah… wasn’t my plan but it sort of… happened…” I felt her hooves on my shoulders, firmly grasping me. “Ventus, you could have come to me,” she insisted with greater force still, and I could finally put a hoof on the sentiment behind the words: fear. “I swear. I’m here for you, that’s what a lover does.” “I…” I started to say, then saw the futility of it. “Thanks, Twilight.” It put a tender smile on her face. She was reassured now. She trusted me to come the next time; I could see it in her eyes. With incredible softness, Twilight held me steady, whispering comforting promises to my ears. The alcohol in my veins helping, it was so easy to lean in and forget. “You lied, lied, lied and lied some more. You rolled in your lies and made up as much as you could and played the part of the perfect dreamy little prince.” “What does it look like to the neighboring countries?” Fear grasping at my heart, I broke away from her. “I can’t drag you further into this…” “You’re not dragging me; I’m jumping in voluntarily, Ventus,” she insisted, closing the distance between us again. Just then… There had been something strange. Something that ticked at my ear. In the fog of drunkenness, the idea was slow to form, but then... Wait. Inside of me, a spark lit up a horrible fire. It filled my veins at once, and allowed me to rise to my hooves. No. That wasn’t right. It wasn’t her being oblivious. She was smarter than this. Twilight Sparkle was much smarter than this! “You cannot be so blind, Twilight! Don’t you realize why I’m acting this way…? Why I brought my friend to you, what you were looking for, what I discovered today, what it means about us?! Don’t you see it?! It all points in one direction! Do you not see that?!” Was she letting me use her?! What I had done to her was wrong! It didn’t warrant being brushed aside with so little thoughts put to it. It should be confronted head on, and I should get my due for using her like that! I did not deserve to get away with toying with her. Why would she ignore that?! Twilight deserved better… She should not put herself down for the sake of a poisonous love like mine. Even now, I was just causing more and more problems for her. My outburst had scared her. Her ears had flinched back at the sudden rise in volume, and she had taken an instinctive step backward. Her eyebrows had lowered in a slight frown, before she looked away. I almost hoped she would be angry with me, but instead, she seemed unwilling to call me out. Then, softly, her words reached me… “I do see it, Ventus.” I felt struck by lightning. It threw me off the loop. In the middle of taking a stand, that felt akin to falling off the stairs. In my case, I lost my balance and fell over her bed, stupidly. The whole room felt like it was spinning: her body looked as if it had moved from my right to left, all without her doing a thing. Never drinking again, I thought during a brief moment of lucidity. She had moved closer, used only a gentle magical aura to help me look up. “Your goal is to leave Equestria. I know. You mentioned it before.” “But… I… I don’t understand.” “It was the one thing I could never get out of my mind, Ventus, when I was thinking of you. I never forgot what you first told me… You want to go back! But… I did not think I had the right to mind.” I blinked, staring in complete incomprehension. “Not… not with what I…” She struggled with her words, her resolve starting to crumble. The confidence she had displayed till now was rapidly shrinking away as she fretted over a strand of her mane. Her eyes avoided my own, right until she found her strength again and dropped one bombshell that sent me reeling. “T-the truth, Ventus, is that I didn’t know if I was in love with you.” Something broke inside of me. I looked, as immobile as a statue, and I witnessed Twilight’s growing frantic over my lack of reaction. “You were… you were everything I could have ever needed in a stallion!” she tried to explain, her voice rising in pitch. “When I asked myself what I could want with a coltfriend, I realized… I realized how you were a perfect fit. You’re royalty, you’re an alicorn, you’re handsome, well-spoken, powerful, everything I have to pursue in a match. Nopony could say a thing if I wanted you! I-I tried… t-to convince myself at first – it would have made so much sense! – that I would simply fall for you on my own. If I had to ever love somepony, it should have been you…” Should. Should, always should. That one word that haunted me. What should be done, how things should be. It was a taunt. Just a reminder of how things could be but never were. An absurd desire to laugh rose within me. Of course, of bucking course. How did I not see that coming? Just when I thought… I saw myself reflected in her earnest eyes then. It was so similar I could guess all that had gone through her head. Distress, a bad decision, trying to cover it up, with an underlying guilt starting to take over. Who am I to judge? Who do I think I am to call her actions wrong? Where’s the difference between her and me? At that moment, the mask fell over my face one more time. For once, I was thankful for its presence. “Don’t worry, Twilight. I understand,” I said softly, keeping my voice as even as possible. “There’s no need to feel guilty.” She looked hopeful, and the corners of her mouth curled up in a timid smile. It was just so much like her that I was overwhelmed by the familiar desire to comfort her. For a second, I started to lean into a comforting nuzzle, but froze midway as I realized this was too intimate of a gesture. Staggering, I backed away like I’d been burned. Twilight’s eyes started to water. “Ventus…” Was it regret in her voice? Over what? Lying? Telling me? Not being able to love me? Well, she was in luck at least. I could not be angry at her. I really couldn’t. It was just what I had been doing, even if I had been unlucky enough to fall in my own trap. I could not begrudge her for not being as foolish as me. “If we both know it was a lie…” I choked out, my throat tightening. “We… maybe we should…” If it wasn’t real, then why does it hurt now? Why does it feel like I’m ripping out my heart out of my chest then?! I closed my eyes, feeling the sting and burn. “Our relationship was just a pleasant lie… I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to your expectations. It’ll be for the best in the end. I really wish… I wish it had been real though.” “N-no! It is real!” she shouted frantically. “I do love you!” W-what?! My heart skipped a beat as my eyes shot wide open. That couldn’t be right. She hadn’t just said that! There was just no way… she had just confessed to pretending to love me! But all of my doubts didn’t suffice to keep down the soaring hope that I had heard right. I almost flinched in fear the moment she started talking. She reached out, looking smaller and more vulnerable than ever. “P-please, Ventus… Listen! I’m sorry!” What could she even love about me? What part of me had ever been real? I was just a bastard son and brother lying about everything. Lies, lies, so many little lies, so useful but much too faithful; once you lie, you lie again and your lies follow you everywhere. Twilight cannot love you if she does not know the real you. But what is real, when you’ve never shown anything but falsehoods? “…I get it, Twilight. I really do.” Elders strike me now… “Y-y-you don’t need to… to pretend anymore…” “This was all at the beginning, Ventus! I did fall in love with you! When you were comforting me, my heart flickered! When you were playing with Spike and Calx, you never looked more handsome! Y-you… the letters! You were there, when I thought I was failing, you were there. It… I really fell for you. I swear!” Her cry echoed throughout the library, and I realized her wings had flared open under the burst of all her pent-up emotions. Tears were falling freely from her eyes, running down her cheeks and dropping to the floor. She looked so frazzled, so desperate… But the most terrible part? I didn’t know if I believed her. I didn’t know. Twilight was, had always been, the kindest mare around. If she had lied before, what made it so she wasn’t lying now to patch things up? If she simply wanted to spare my feelings, if she wanted to believe her own lies… then how would I know? “It should have been you.” Had it been a slip of the tongue? Just a clumsy way of phrasing her intent? I… I didn’t know anymore… I couldn’t think right now. T-things were too blurry; my head felt too light, my grip too unsteady. I needed time to think. “Twilight, we should –” I started to say, but she cut me off. “Let… let me prove it to you…” Before the words had even registered, I felt the pressure of her hoof push me on my back. Without any sort of control over my balance, I could not oppose any resistance. Even as I tried to sit back up, Twilight’s hooves came down on both sides of me. She was close to me, over me, with her whole being intoxicating in its beauty. A wave of warmth washed over me, went straight down my belly and over my groin as she kissed me. There was such strength to it, so much emotion in the contact of our bodies that there were no illusions about her intentions. No… It was wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Never like this. Not with her crying. Not with her begging me to believe her! But already, a treacherous side of me spoke up, What do I care? The truth was never the most important thing to me. I fed off lies and here I am. Here I am, yes, the bitter thought arose, on the verge of a mistake like no other. “You cannot want this now, Twilight. This is not like you at all…” “I don’t care…” she breathed out, swallowing. She advanced on me further and held eye contact steadily, with naught but a hint of her normal self then. “I don’t care what good, naïve Twilight would want! I don’t want to lose you now! Ventus, I love you! I’ll show you how much I care!” She moved forward. She kissed me. Faster than I could react, she had caught my lips with hers. It was everything: everything and nothing together. It was fiercely possessive, passionate, dominating over me in every way I remembered doing to her. It was love the way I knew it to be, but like it had never been with her before. And her lips tasted sweet, so sweet and salty. One more… just one more little lie… sang a lustful voice in my head. One too many! “S-Spike!” I tried in-between two kisses. “At Rarity’s,” she replied without missing a beat, nor the occasion to slip a hoof behind my neck. “There’s nothing stopping us. Just… us…” For a moment, I said nothing. My chest was rising rapidly, my wings had sprung up wide and there were tremors all over my skin. She… Twilight wanted… Gently, she gave me another kiss. I could feel my resolve weakening. I knew. I knew this wasn’t the right thing to do, but my mind came up with blanks. My thoughts were in shamble, pushed around with every one of Twilight’s caresses. There were no arguments, just reminders of the warmth of her body so close to me, of the taste of her lips, of the trail of kisses she left lingering down my neck. Lie to yourself. You can do this, whispered the voice in my head. It demanded I give in, it wanted me to so much. Lust had started overcoming reason. The protests came back the same, but it was harder to bring myself to care. Then, almost completely lost in that haze, I felt the touch hesitate and stop. In protest even, my hips nearly bucked, only the last of my inhibitions stopping that. Over me, Twilight had gone still. “V-Ventus?” she asked. She asked, no longer searching to prove, no longer forcing herself to show me. She asked. With a heartbreaking fear. With a sudden horror. I needed not see clearly to realize she was shaking. Again, timidly, shamefully, desperately, “Ventus?” The trail of tears that had dried off started dampening again. The mare I had come to love was back, disgusted, terrified, and flinching. Under us, the bed creaked as her hooves shifted to move her away. Whispers flew out of her mouth too fast to understand, panicked, self-loathing. Light gathered at the tip of her horn, with the build-up of a teleport. My hoof grabbed hers. Everything stilled as I stopped her from leaving. Hope lit her eyes, pushed everything aside, and I realized it was everything I wanted to see in her. It hadn’t changed, no matter what. And it was then, my head light with alcohol and lust, sorrow and fear following me like shadows, that I listened to the silly lovestruck stallion in me. That poor guy buried underneath, that had wanted to know Twilight rather than use her knowledge, that had been at the happiest when it was just him and her playing around books and games. Just that part of me that could not bear the see Twilight sad. In one breath, I spoke four little words to put it all to rest. “I love you, Twilight.”