//------------------------------// // Chapter One: The Mailmare of Ponyville // Story: Derpy Meets The Doctor // by Heavyhauler75622 //------------------------------// Derpy reached up out of the bed and tapped the button on the alarm clock, shutting off the loud and irritating screech it was making. Sitting up, she scratched her back, and followed it up with a yawn and a stretch of her back and legs. Still somewhat bleary eyed, she followed that up with a stretch of her wings, left one first, as she groggily rubbed sleep from her eyes and tried to dispel what she jokingly referred to as, “Morning Dragon Breath”. Derpy idly wondered, (and not for the first time, either) if Spike ever woke to “Morning Pony Breath”… She was up earlier than usual today. Normally, her schedule allowed her time to get Dinky off to Miss Cherilee’s class before she had to report to the Ponyville Post Office, but Care Package somehow got wrapped up in the latest escapade of the Mane Six, and pulled a muscle trying to get out of range of the latest villain attack. Derpy smiled at that. After all this time, and even being a good friend of the Equestrian Heroines, she still wondered why anypony panicked when something inimical showed up, bent on reducing the Mane Six to adhesive glue. Twi and the herd always pulled it out by the end, and running away in a panic usually was far more dangerous to a pony than staying calm and trotting on. Once, Derpy totally ignored a complete Chaos overhaul of Ponyville, and even managed to get almost all her bag delivered, though trying to catch a herd of wild mailboxes running free on the checkerboard landscape did take a lot of her time that day. But once she learned they were suckers for raspberry and blackberry muffins, why, she finished in no time at all. Whether anypony actually read them that day was really not her job, though it did nag at her once in awhile. She was just supposed to deliver them, and having all the mailboxes in one herd had made that simple. Derpy wasn’t supposed to help residents catch their own box, though she did manage to find Octavia later and yell at her the secret how; but Tavi was having her own difficulties, after her otherwise trim, attractive body had taken on the proportions of her cello, with the instrument’s bow in intense pursuit as she tried to flee. It had damaged its bowstring during a performance of a baroque cello suite in G major, and had been pulling at her mane and tail intensely for a replacement. After that little incident, everypony pretty much forgot all about her little thing with the tiny storm cloud and the lightning… She grabbed her house robe and stuffed her hooves into her slippers, then went into Dinky’s room. Her little angel was fast asleep, no doubt dreaming of incomprehensible things like video games. Derpy didn’t play them; the graphics frequently hurt her eyes terribly, and not being the most coordinated and reflexive pony around with tiny buttons usually led to that mocking “GAME OVER” screen in no time at all. Dinky was a fair player, though, and she loved going to Rarity’s to hammer on controllers with Sweetie Belle and Button Mash. Button’s mom would take over whenever Derpy was busy on express delivery or Rarity was on deadline for couture orders, and of course, she herself would have the gang over whenever Button’s mom wanted time alone with her husband on weekends, though they had slowed down considerably after Buttons was born. Prior to that, and despite Button’s older brother Gibson, you would have thought the two of them were rutting machines; they were after each other so much… Derpy felt a little pain of loneliness, a reminder that there was a hole in her life, though the horrible rot-toothed abusive pony she was married to was long gone, somewhere over the Rainbow Falls, said the song. The one thing he managed to give her that was worth the pain of it all was asleep the bed in front of her. “Dinky, time to get up,” she said, pulling the covers off. “School, dear.” A painful groan, as the little horn on the Unicorn filly lit up, and the covers re-settled over her. “Five minutes, Mom,” she said sleepily. Derpy pulled them back off gently. “Nuh-uh, little lady. School. I have to go in early today; Lyra and BonBon should be here in a bit to see you off. And no playing with the food coloring to pretend you’re sick with the Joke Pox or anything else. BonBon is wise to that stunt, remember. You may be able to fool Lyra, but not BonBon.” Dinky still ended up at school that day, after BonBon had managed to wash most of it off. (Lyra tended to sweet, funny, hyperactive, and easily panicked, and was totally taken in by the little blue dots. Dinky had to dial it back when Lyra, hyperventilating slightly, loudly contemplated in an anxiety filled moment to considering calling both Mom and the doctor). Bonny worked with colorants all the time in candymaking, putting two and two together once she got a good look at the unusual “rash”. And once Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon started in at school, the idea of simulating grave illness with Mom’s baking supplies was pretty much out the window. Dinky threw herself to an upright sitting position, scratching herself just like her Mom did. Derpy smiled at the familial trait. “Get ready, sweetie, and I’ll start breakfast,” she told the gently swaying form. Derpy tossed the muffins into the microwave with a damp paper towel to keep them soft while she nuked them warm. As she waited, she poured a cup of coffee from the automatic brewer so it could cool a little bit, then headed off to get ready herself. A short session with a facecloth, a brush, a quick scrub with her toothbrush to get the overnight grime out of her mouth, and she was ready for breakfast, which announced itself with a loud, cheery “Ding!” Dinky, in the meantime, in a resigned clattering of small hooves, had hit the bathroom and the microwave before her, and was well into one of a pair of genuine Mother-created blueberry muffins, heavier on the sweet, and a glass of apple juice. Derpy slurped the coffee, now that her mouth felt sufficiently de-crusted, and sighed contentedly as she imagined the little molecules of caffeine working their magic. The microwave once more announced its finished work this time with a pair of muffins Dinky had started. Derpy took the plate out and seated herself with it, then picked up one of the lemon surprise muffins she got from the Cake’s shop yesterday afternoon, and bit into it. It was amazing how good they were! The Cake’s, despite having twins, and employing that hyper caffeinated, glucose soaked dynamo Pinkie Pie, (or maybe because of…she certainly had her way of doing things), turned out a superior muffin, even better than hers. She was quite the baker herself, and won the Ponyville Baking Fair on several occasions, (Amateur Category), but she indulged her guilty pleasures every once in awhile. This was one of those times. Dinky finished her first one and reached for the second, as her horn glowed and a pencil danced across a piece of paper. “Dinky, are you doing homework?” Derpy asked sternly. Homework was done after school the day before. Inviolate rule. “No, Mom. Princess Luna is gonna watch us this weekend, remember? I’m writing her a letter about what games we want to play while all of us are at Canterlot. Spike said he’d send it if we brought it by the library on the way to school.” Derpy stuffed down a momentary feeling of panic, buried behind another bite of muffin. That Nightmare Moon thing was well over, and Princess Celestia would be around, as well as the Royal Guard and such. Still, the Princess of Night was terribly intimidating to her. Fillies gotta run, she thought unhappily. Her little girl was growing up, and having a demigoddess as a friend was just the way it was. Besides, it was certainly better in Canterlot itself than in Ponyville even, which was coming due for the next “Disaster of the Week” fairly soon. Also, it wasn’t Fluttershy’s home, either. Discord wasn’t any better than Luna for comforting her anxiety, it was definitely worse, and Derpy always cringed while opening the door to Flutts mailbox. He had a tendency to leave little surprises. She absolutely despised that obnoxious, arrogant, spoiled rotten rabbit of Flutts’ more, though. And lately, Angel had taken to outdoing Discord. In the middle of her musings, the doorbell rang. She opened it to a familiar aquamarine mare, and her cream colored roommate and love. “Hey, you two! Good Morning, come on in!” Hugs and kisses all around. Amazing how the two of them always smelled like chocolates, vanilla beans, and all sorts of gooey sweets that waited inside the shop Bonny had, while the two of them scrunched themselves into the tiny studio apartment above it. BonBon held her at hoof’s length for a second. “Derpy, you look fantastic! How do you keep the weight off? I look at anything other than a rice cake, I gain ten pounds.” Derpy positively beamed. “That must be hard inside a candy shop. It’s all the flying and walking, Bonny. Throw a heavy mailbag on top of that, and it just melts off.” “Yeah, this maniac has the same thing going on with her. Ly eats just about anything, and gets skinnier. You two are SO mean,” she laughed. “Where’s the kid at, hun?” she asked, looking over Derpy’s shoulder. Derpy looked back. “Off to the bathroom to brush her teeth, RIGHT?” she called out. “YES, MOM!!” came bellowing back, laughing. All “School Flu” issues aside, Dinky adored her ‘Aunts’, loved watching Bonny make the BEST candy in all of Equestria. Even these few minutes before she went to school and they went back to the “Sweetie Drops” candy store were the best. If she wheedled it juust right, which wasn’t hard at all, they would walk with her on the way to school, and she might score some of the turnover stock for her and her friends. She even shared that with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, though the lion’s share went to her, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Button Mash, and the rest of the class. “Hey, Derps, I gotta question. Why does the Post Office deliver mailbox to mailbox? Wouldn’t be easier just having a Unicorn zap it there?” Lyra asked enthusiastically. Behind her, Bonny facehoofed. Leave it to Lyra Heartstrings to come up with something like that. That it would leave Derpy unemployed didn’t faze her a bit. “They tried it, Lyra. Unicorns that teleport are few and far between. Did you ever learn how?” Derpy asked smoothly. “Nuh-uh. It’s a hard one, though it woulda been nice when we were at school; those teaching assistants don’t like you being late. I don’t do much more than levitate, and sometimes add extra plucks or strums while playing. Kinda like having three hands…hooves, I mean…” BonBon stared mild daggers at her lover. “Yeah, see? Unicorns have to walk the route, or if they can, teleport themselves box to box, then open and close it by hoof or watch while magically manipulating the door and mail, or teleport the stuff directly into the box if they’re really good at it, while getting the pickup. Twi has that kind of control, and so does Cely and Luny. Everypony else sweetie, not so much. It’s very tiring, and all that magical handling, the Unicorns doing it would expect to be paid for it, right?” Derpy pointed out. “Oh.” Derpy gave the striped head a kindly pat, something Lyra still looked forward to. Derpy had been a stabilizing force in Lyra’s life at Canterlot University. Studies, disapproving parents, a disastrous love affair, and rapidly depleting funds almost tipped the scales against Equestria’s greatest harpist from ever becoming more than a street corner busker. Derpy had managed to keep the emotionally damaged and fragile young mare together, even as things went wrong with her own future. Derpy called her own parents one awful day, after Lyra’s Mother and Father had flayed her raw with their anger and disappointment at her choices, and had her Dad pull some strings of his own. After the pony in the chamber music quartet heard the emotionally-charged song Lyra had plucked from the depths of her despair, he sponsored her the rest of that year, and then twisted several legs on the Board of the Canterlot Symphony to write her a scholarship. The Torchies at Trottingham Orchestra were insanely jealous of that particular coup after they heard the aquamarine mare play. BonBon lowered her voice, interrupting Derpy’s flicker of memories. “Don’t they mind you giving them nicknames like that?” she asked nervously, her eyes darting around a bit as she looked for the Diarchic Alicorns to Invoke right there in Derpy’s living room. “Twilight prefers it, actually. She isn’t all that happy about being fawned over as a Princess since the change happened. Princess Celestia likes that I don’t try to curtsey every time she walks by; I think she gets tired of it from time to time. Luna…well, no, I don’t exactly know, though Dinky and her friends use it. I think it’s okay, though, because the kids use it all the time without anypony ending up on an orbiting celestial body.” “Speaking of, I better start hoofing it and finish getting ready. Mail doesn’t deliver itself,” Derpy said, chuckling. She went back to her bathroom, brushed her teeth vigorously, then ran the comb through her mane, which did its usual rejection of conformity. Next, she used the facilities as the caffeine exerted its influence on her kidneys. Then, she looked in the mirror… Her eyes were pointed correctly for a second…then the right slid off on its own. She sighed deeply, concentrated, blinked. They stared back at her correctly…then the left wandered. She sighed deeply once more, her cheeks puffed out. Her friends, her family, didn’t notice anymore. But she was about to go back out into the world, away from home and safety, and not only did ponies notice, some pointed and whispered. They weren’t being cruel, not intentionally, but she always felt the stares. The world changed constantly. Things moved around, didn’t stay exactly where they had been before. It made it harder to estimate where objects really were. It made her clumsy. And all that made her shy, nervous, self-conscious, and emotionally upset. She had to do it; Dinky needed her to take care of them both. But, maybe in other circumstances, she would rather be alone, away from the stares and whispering, by herself in her house where nopony else saw… Derpy came out, kissed Dinky on the cheek, “Sweetheart, I’m leaving for work. Lots of love forever and ever. Don’t give Bonny and Ly-Ly a hard time.” Dinky gave her a ferocious hug back; she saw that Mommy had those tears in her eyes she got from mirrors. If Bonny and Ly-Ly gave her the stock rotation today, she’d make sure Mommy got most of it. Derpy hugged Bon and Ly next. “Thanks, you two, for hauling all the way out here.” Dinky wasn’t the only one that saw the watery eyes. Bonny and Lyra could have suffocated her, they hugged back so hard. Their eyes weren’t so dry when they let go, either. “Oh, get out of here, Derps, you gorgeous thing, you!” Lyra chided, diverting the mailmare’s attention as Bonny hugged her again. Bonny had to take a second to dash a little overflow off her face in the middle of the hug where Derpy couldn’t watch. Nice thing about long-term relationships, you learned when to cover for each other. It broke their hearts that Derpy was so alone, with no pony to shore her up like they had found with each other. Still, they tried. Derpy smiled through the tiny waves in her eyes. “Going to walk her to school like usual?” Bonny took over for a second to cover for Lyra, who took her turn hugging the blond and grey mare. She wiped her own eyes as she held Derpy. “It’s right on the way, Derpy. Of course we’re all going together!” BonBon said happily. She already had a couple trays picked out to send with Dinky when they got to the store. Lyra grinned shyly when she finally let go, but she missed a bit of the rivulets on her own face. Derpy wiped the tiny streaks away on Lyra’s face herself. “Oh stop it, you two. I’m fine. You’re worse than my sisters, you know that? All they ever talk about is getting me into a relationship. I already have one, and she’s piddling around, instead of cleaning up the kitchen like she’s supposed to. That’s enough, I gotta go!” she said cheerfully, stepping through the door and out into the world. “Bye!” she said as she took off. The couple added their own joyful farewells, then went back in and closed the door. Lyra managed to keep fairly calm, though she really wanted to break down completely and seek refuge in cream-colored forelegs. “Oh, Bonny…” “Yeah, me too, Greenbean. Can you save it for later, dearest?” she asked, as she gave the aquamarine muzzle a quick peck. “Let’s get Dink to school first, and then we can talk while I put out today’s production run and open up. Roseluck can handle customers for a bit.” “She’s so nice, Bonny. She’s always been so nice. Why does all this happen to her? It’s not right.” “Shhh, Ly, little ears hear things. It tears me to pieces too, but after we get Dinks to school. Maybe the next time Princess Celestia comes in for lollipops, we can ask her.” She smiled, but the tears in her eyes welled up again. “In the meantime, stout heart, like she has, for Dinky’s sake.” “Yeah.” Derpy took wing almost immediately for the Post Office. She wasn’t late; far from it, she would arrive in plenty of time for her early start. She needed to shake the ‘blues’ off, and that meant flying. Derpy loved flying. She was actually pretty accomplished as an aviator, but with the likes of Rainbow Dash in Ponyville, you could be a Wonderbolt, and just pull ‘also ran’ in the standings. Not that she was a huge competitor like RD was. She loved to fly for flying’s sake, not because she had to prove constantly she was the best at it. She actually had a Wonderbolt flight suit herself in her closet from when she was at the Academy. But her eyes wouldn’t let her go farther in that particular career. If it had all gone according to plan, Spitfire would have been her second, and she would have had the office and acclaim. University would have just been the icing, not the cake she tried to bake after she grounded herself. Dinky pretty much closed the doors forever. But between all those, she wanted Dinky more. She touched down outside on the loading dock, just as On Time walked out the service entrance. “Yo, Derpy! Yer real early. Shop rules say ya can’t even clock in for thirty more minutes yet. Grab some coffee and donuts in the break room.” “Sure, Chief,” she said happily. On Time was the shop foreman, and though he was the union steward, he wasn’t a hardcase. He said what the bargaining agreement dictated, but he wouldn’t bust your flank about it if you skirted a rule here and there in your favor in regard to doing your job well. Management liked him, because he was fair. His shop liked him for the same reason. The only ponies upset with him were the upper level union bosses, but On Time had a reputation he earned as a EUP soldier in those occasional rough patches that happened before the Mane Six came along and straightened things out for fair, and he ended up retired from the military due to combat injuries. “Play nice. Or else.” That was his slogan. There was one Union Hall slime that had crawled out from under his rock in Canterlot to read On Time the riot act for playing fast and loose with the collective bargaining rules. He got Time’s usual treatment of POG’s…he ignored him. The slime then went to Regional in Fillydelphia, who sent their usual goons out to lean on Time and his family to, “Get. With. The Program”. One spent eight weeks getting his spine glued and screwed back together again; that was just hospitalization. Rehabilitation was worse, and much longer. The other wasn’t really injured too badly, but he decided he needed a permanent change of scenery, and moved wayyy out West to Las Pegas the minute he could get back and sign his retirement forms. The black eye Time had healed fairly fast, and the cracked rear leg only needed a fixation device for a few weeks. On Time hadn’t even put in for medical leave, though the external alignment device looked horrifying. He still worked his shifts, without complaint. That’s the kind of troop On Time was. Derpy hadn’t participated in the violence herself, but she did know where the evidential ‘skeletons’ were buried. After all, she herself was the one that flew the hickory axe-handle the goons had originally brought out to discuss the situation with Time deep into the Ghastly Gorge, past the quarry eels on her own. Nopony, no matter what the motivation, would go looking for it without an improbable amount of help, even if they knew exactly where she had let go of it. Nopony threatens a family around Ponyville lightly. You had better be prepared to pay up front, all the way. And in Ponyville, almost everypony treated everypony else as family. Derpy first went to the locker room and pulled her gear out; the official Equestria Mail Service hat, her smart blue mail jacket with the epaulets to help keep mailbags in place, her whistle for mail delivery and occasionally for dogs, (though she never used it for that; two wingbeats, and all dogs could do was watch in confusion as she hovered above them), and her old, beat up, favorite mailbag. She put on the jacket and hat, put the whistle lanyard around her neck, and settled the mailbag over her head and across one shoulder so the bag was on her left. Then she meandered to the break room, greeting ponies with “Hi!” and “How’re you doing?” as she went. The cheerful replies came back to her back, because everypony was busy, and had no time for small talk. She inspected the offerings on the table; the usual donuts of all types, most of which had been enthusiastically inroaded by her co-workers…and two apple cinnamon crumble muffins, lovingly separated from the rest of the pack, placed on a real plate from the cupboard with a stick-em note: “For Derpy”, tagged to the plate. She positively beamed. Outside the break room window, three of her co-workers smiled. She was their favorite route carrier, though Ponyville didn’t need hardly any, being so small. She never fussed impatiently when they were swamped, even digging in and lending a hoof, though On Time always said something about it in passing. She pre-sorted her incoming before dropping them in the appropriate sort boxes, rather than just dumping it on the sort table, and always had a chipper attitude with one of the most menial of tasks, working the mail. On Time saw the gaggle, rolled up on it, but just smiled at the ponies watching the mailmare. They smiled back, and then left for their various jobs with ridiculous grins on their faces. Time watched through the window as Derpy, concentrating hard, zeroed in on a coffee mug. He quickly decided to intervene. “Hey, Derps, I got that,” he said as he picked up the cup. “Whadaya want today, chocolate espresso, french vanilla, hazelnut?” “Had chocolate three times this week already. Vanilla today, Time, it’ll go perfectly with the apples and cinnamon,” she said, all sunshine and smiles. “Grab a seat, and I’ll fix ya up.” He re-packed the donuts into a single box, tossed the empty ones, and swept the muffins onto the table by hoof, while he levitated the cup into position under the ‘French Vanilla’ spout, deftly pouring a cup with telekinesis alone, not even watching the cup. Once he got the cup filled just right, he lifted it to the table along with the sugar, adding three teaspoonfuls of sugar on the fly with his aura, as he spotted the muffin plate perfectly in front of the place she had chosen with his hooves. He then stirred the coffee magically with the spoon as it softly alighted next to the plate. It was actually a talented, brilliant demonstration of his skill with magic, handling multiple objects moving through space exactly where he wanted them, even while his eyes were elsewhere. Twilight Sparkle once watched him do the same thing with multiple mail stacks, two heavy packages, and a tray of letters Derpy had accidentally dropped when the Alicorn had snuck in behind her and startled her with a cheerful “Hi, Derpy!” He caught all the letters on the fly in the box, all while controlling the other items in mid-air, and not one had been miss-sorted or out of order. Twilight wanted him to tutor in advanced abilities after that, but Time turned her down, saying he already had all the magic he needed in his world, and she should give that spot to somepony better deserving. She acquiesced calmly and with a smile, though she was sure he misunderstood that he was going to be the only student training. Derpy sipped the coffee, and nibbled one of the muffins slightly to be polite. She wanted to save them for lunch, but she didn’t want to appear ungrateful regarding the gift. Her personal tank was almost full already. On Time gently lifted the bag from her, moved it out of the break room and toward Pickup. “Time, I can get that,” she said, puzzled. “Fergit it, Derps. You still won’t go on the clock for a bit, and Flip already pulled your bundles and presorted it for delivery. Turns out we were light last night and he decided to prep yours, plus the Canterlot bundle for Special Delivery to take. Nopony’s trying to get much out and delivered home-wise this Friday, and the bill payments come in to the office today, so don’t think you’re skating,” he said, taking the seat across from her. “Oh, no, Chief, I wouldn’t think that at all! I just thought…” “Flip and you split Care Package’s shift; Flip gets the back load for staying over, you get front-load for coming in early and relieving him. Nice and equitable.” He glanced at his fetlock watch. “Go clock in, and pick up your bag at the dock, I just finished it. I’ll bag these and you can take them with you for lunch, along with a small thermos with your coffee.” He stood up. So did she. “Right, Chief.” She left to clock in. Time had everything done by the time she came back. The thermos had a bail for the top, to prevent accidental opening, and the muffins were in a plastic bag inside the sealable cloth carry sack that also held the thermos. He settled it on her right side, and used his magic to button the left epaulet holding it in place. The mailbag was floating gently as they left the service entrance onto the dock, and he gently set it in its place on her left, buttoning the right epaulet holding it as well. “Got good balance?” he asked matter of factly. She flapped her wings a couple of times to experiment with her lift. The bag was a good deal heavier than her lunch, but she just shifted it closer back along her spine. It felt fine. “Okay, get started, and be safe, filly!” he said as she swept into the air. She waved a “Bye!” as she started toward her first stop, Ponyville proper. The moon was minutes away from Luna pulling it down and Celestia raising the sun as she left. On Time sighed in relief. Bonny had called him from Derpy’s, told him she was upset today. He decided to do what he could to help her feel better. Besides, it cut down on any accidents she could possibly have from being stressed out, which usually spiked up her clumsiness. It wasn’t all gallantry on the team’s part. Well, maybe a little. She was still their favorite mailmare. He turned around to see most of the crew watching him, grinning from ear to ear. “What are you old mules looking at? Get back to work!” he grumbled loudly, before breaking into laughter. The gang followed suit, laughing and clapping him on the shoulder as they went back inside. Derpy swiftly swept into Ponyville, then backwinged and settled into landing with a soft flapping of wings near the huge tree which was the library, just as the Moon and Sun exchanged places, and a new day started. Ponyville was the bulk of her delivery, starting with the Golden Oak library, Twilight Sparkle’s home. The mailbox door squeaked gently, as she put the two letters she had in the box. The flag was down, so no pickup. Twi rarely had outgoing, since most of her stuff went straight to Princess Celestia by dragonfire. She hardly sent notices for overdue books, as most of the time; she either got them back properly, or just bumped into the individual and asked in person. And so it went; The Cake’s Shop at Sugarcube Corner, Rarity’s Carousel Boutique, Carrot Top’s Produce and Greengrocer, Sweetie Drops Candy Store, The Twist Malt Shop, all the businesses making up the center of Ponyville. The bowling alley had no delivery, but their box flag had been absconded with by high-schoolers during some silly year end graduate scavenger hunt. She always checked anyway; picked up the two letters that were waiting. She was having more than the usual pickups, and it was true most were bill payments. Commerce at work. Town Hall had the usual outbound flood. Seemed like the typical thing; government was a paper generating mill, and somepony had to gather it up and cart it away so it could go somewhere else. But it was a fairly even trade with all the mail she dropped off, though it still felt like she onloaded slightly more than offloaded. Same thing occurred at the school as well. She watched Cherilee overseeing the class at morning arrival duty as she circled around to land. She even saw Dinky, who she waved at cheerfully, and who waved enthusiastically in return. There was Button Mash, his head down, watching some game he was playing, and the CMC’s in their capes, who were assembling some odd looking ramped contraption, just before Cherilee came up and said something, the dejected “Awwwww…” from the three girls carrying clearly in the cool morning air. Derpy laughed loudly at that; the Cutie Mark Crusaders were becoming something of a legend in the community as to the commitment, depth, and inventiveness of their quest for their Cutie Marks. Parental notices today in the outgoing that report cards were due to go home with students next week. She steeled herself for those; the school added more pages every year to them. Derpy remembered giving her Mom one page neatly folded in half that had her grades on it, back when colts and fillies brought them home. Dinky’s last one ran to three pages, mostly all notes of one kind or another, and the same one-half sheet with the actual grades on it. The school board wanted their say now, too. Probably an entire new page, 25% more weight for self-congratulations. Pffftt, she thought to herself. The outskirt suburban homes were similar, and pretty even in exchange, dropoff to pickup. While she had been working, Ponyville had been slowly rousing itself, and ponies were beginning their day with a happy greeting to her as she either walked or flew her part in their day. This was the best thing about her job…she got to see almost everypony, and also got the latest news and gossip straight from the horse’s mouth, as it were. Filthy Rich got his usual pile of bills, and she picked up a similar bundle of payments going out. The wealthy had one thing that certainly was different…the voluminous amount of mail they sent and received. She then swung by the Apple’s orchard, and watched discreetly from altitude as AJ and Big Mac bucked apple trees. Granny Smith was hanging out wash on a line outside. She was an interesting one, appearing frail…but tougher than the nails holding together the recently re-built barn. Applejack had her own rep, an impressive one. That left…Big Mac. He was a good looking stud, strong as a mountain, not much of a talker…and sweet on the schoolteacher Cherilee, which was reciprocated, though neither of them told the other. The previous embarrassment by the Cutie Mark Crusaders two years back put the two of them on the “down low” for anything obvious, though one would always watch the other intently when they were in proximity to each other these days. Bets were on as to when they figured it out. She had tossed a bit in for two dates, but being late for her to get in, both numbers were stretches. One was tomorrow, the other months away. It was too bad, the pool was getting big. Of course, if nothing happened by the last day, everypony was considering just rolling the pool into a new one. Derpy sighed, as she landed and serviced the mailbox. Only a few envelopes, payments, came out, as a pretty good stack, mostly bills, went in. That would shift once harvest came in, though she sometimes worried about the Apples…and that nice guy that belonged to somepony else. Once that set was delivered, came the harder part of her route…the farther flung homes; the farms, ranches, and the folks that enjoyed the solitude. Hers was one of them, not overtly remote, but not a close in where a short walk or a few discrete flaps brought you to the next place on the road. She was always so grateful to Bonny and Ly, Tavi, or even Vinyl, when they came out to keep an eye on Dinky. All of them had made a mark in the little Unicorn’s life. Vinyl was the one that taught Dinky levitation magic, having Dinky levitate records to her that she had brought along, to show the filly how she worked her turntable as she played with Derpy’s record player. Octavia and Lyra frequently came by in the off-season when they weren’t touring with the symphony, and gave her a love of music as they practiced. One time, Vinyl showed up with her small, (relatively) DJ outfit and the two classical artists in tow, and Dinky watched in amazement and rapt attention as the three most famous musicians in this part of Equestria melded into an awe-inspiring flood of gorgeous music at Dinky’s recent eighth birthday. And it was only for Dinky and her guests; Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon could book DJ Pon-3, or the symphony, or the chamber music quartet for a stratospheric cost, but not the top cellist, harpist, and DJ together. Vinyl made sure of that, personally telling Filthy Rich right to his face, distastefully and in inventive off-color language she’d rather spin disco under a mirror ball than play a classical gig, (at least for him). Vinyl had carefully avoided using the word “pops”. That was for Dinky, and Dinky alone. BonBon showed Dinky how to cook like a top Cordon Bleu medalist chef. Dinky could frequently make fascinating food, and rarely put a hoof wrong in the kitchen when supervised. If something did get made that would render a starved pony wanting to chance death instead of eating it, Auntie Ly-Ly could always be counted on to manage to get it down. College had prepared her well. Re-focusing her attention, Derpy fairly quickly managed most of the route. Flying was a real benefit on this section. A walker on this route would have to really churn to get it finished. Then a pretty little place came into sight. Hers. Well, mostly hers. Only a few payments left. After she dropped her mail in the mailbox, she looked farther down the road, toward a wild growth of trees, and an incongruously lovely cottage near the stream. Her heart sank. Fluttershy’s. She flitted up the road slowly. Discord may be awake, or may not, depending on his whim at the moment, or the moments after or before…but as sure as her daughter’s love, that rabbit was lying in wait for this approaching minute. She and Angel (HAH! she thought) had a ‘warm war’ going on. Not a ‘cold’ one of brinkmanship, and definitely not anything ‘hot’ that required spear launchers or other weaponry, but those things that occasionally led to minor injuries, usually sustained by her. Most everypony did not appreciate Angel Bunny, who would heartlessly manipulate Fluttershy to extreme ends to get his way. Her problem was, after a few hard ciders at the Apple farm, Derpy told Flutts right to her face how bad a hellion the little beast could be. And he had overheard it, being small enough at times to escape notice, especially when she was a bit drunk. Fluttershy apologized profusely about his behavior. But she never promised to get the tiny chimera under control. And as they were leaving, that miniscule white demon stared right at her over Flutts shoulder as she carried him away, making the “I’m watching you.” thing with his paw and eyes, right into hers. The other townsponies patted Derpy on the back, hugged her for being so brave; they even cheered her a bit, personally. All except for Applejack, who with her characteristic honesty, inquired quietly if Derpy had her insurance paid up, and remarked gently that a special rider for death by rabbit would be a really good idea. The cut point was twenty yards from the house. She was safe outside that zone. Within it, she had been scratched, bit, jumped on, scared almost to death, hit by a rather rotten Jack O’Lantern left over from Nightmare Night a week before, pelted by hard-packed slushballs, had a rather deep staining by a very dark suntea jar upended on her, numerous fireworks…and the cretin still had plenty of tricks in his bag. Discord would usually just surprise her by sticking his head out of the mailbox when she opened it, or jump out of her mailbag, swap the house for the mailbox, make the letters more slippery than greased eels; more chaotic than outright horrible things, like the mailbox herd, but in the end, she still didn’t much care for those, either. She steeled herself, climbed until she was hovering just above the house, outside the Red Zone, and above the mailbox. She then sloowllyy lowered herself down to the proper level. Bats. The pickup flag was up. She resignedly took out a long plastic hook from her bag, tentatively started to use it to open the box while she hovered to one side, when she heard a voice. “Derpy!“ from the house. She looked up to see one mis-matched draconequus… Aw, raisins... she thought, as he poofed in, right next to her. “Well, well, well, what a pleasant surprise! How good it is to see you this fine morning!” Discord chortled happily. “You wouldn’t mind if we had a little, a tiny conversation, for a bit?” Derpy sighed, and put the hook away for the moment. “I suppose so. What’s on your mind, Discord?” she asked, as she managed to control her terror. The guy was older than the planet, and almost as old as the universe, had actually challenged the Princesses directly for control of the world she was living on…and wanted to talk to her? “Oh, plenty, such as the enormity of the cosmos, my dear mailmare! But first…um, which eye do I talk to?” he said curiously, head very close, trying to decide which one was better to converse at. She almost giggled. Most everypony wouldn’t dare even consider saying such a thing, though a few of the more obtuse jumped right in with something thickheaded. Everypony usually settled for gazing at a spot on the bridge of her nose directly between them. And here was the sovereign reigning demigod of Chaos, asking a forthright and very honest question innocently. “Pick a spot between, Discord, most everypony else does,” she said cheerfully. “Or look at whichever one is closest.” “Ah! I’ll have to remember that; I have almost the exact same problem.” He shook himself free from his musings. “What I wanted to ask you…how much would it cost for you to ship a particular noisome package for me to, say…Zebrabwe?” he asked, frankly and innocently. Derpy hesitated just a fraction of a second before quoting the price for international. Something wasn’t quite right… “Okay, mister. You can simply snap your fingers and appear anyplace in the universe, at a mere whim. Why do you need the Equestrian Mail Service for anything, much less package delivery?” She stared at him hard. “Well, there goes the supposition a few have that you’re not all that bright or clever. Some ponies around here aren’t very good at judging character. My dear mailmare, I would very much like to get rid of something, something very annoying…and I really can’t afford to have my prints involved in it,” he said, as his mismatched forelegs grew those hand things Lyra went on about constantly, the fingers wiggling around on the end. It was a bit nauseating. “Discord…” she said, forehoof on the bridge of her nose, exasperated, using the same tone she used when Dinky was being obstinate. “Oh, all right! I want to get rid of the rabbit, okay?” “You don’t like Angel either?” she asked, perplexed. The rabbit messed with him? Either he was one brave bunny with some kind of incredible hole card, (Fluttershy qualified), or he had a suicidal death wish. “Fluttershy got me with that ‘Friend’ thing her and her friends have going on. I’m learning that isn’t all that bad, not really, but that little white tattletale finks me out every time I try to have a little fun!” Discord grumbled loudly. He started pacing. “Nothing bizarre. Nothing grotesque. Just tiny amounts of good, old-fashioned chaos here and there, to keep my hand in, you see,” as one of the fingered things disappeared, while the other remained. “Yet, every time, that hideous monster runs and blabs it all over Fluttershy, who then spends the next few hours lecturing me on, and on, and on…” as he poofed himself onto a psychoanalysts couch hanging upside down in midair. He struck a dramatic pose, made even more ludicrous by the usurpation of the laws of gravity. “I will simply lose my mind and crack under the pressure, my dear, and start picking flowers, prattling on endlessly about love and tolerance…” Derpy couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, we certainly can’t have that now, can we?” Discord suddenly picked his head down from where it had been draped over the edge of the couch. “What was that?” he asked, with a different tone in his voice. “What, my question?” she asked back. “No…no, you…laughed! Nopony laughs at my little jokes! There’s always the screaming, and the running, followed by Sunbutt and Moonbutt showing up to turn me into a decorative lawn display…" The poof removed the upside down hanging in midair couch, and showed Discord in his stone form that sat in the Royal garden for centuries…before the next poof brought him back to life. “Or it’s those insufferable Elements of Harmony doing it. And Fluttershy somehow managed to get this ‘Friendship’ straightjacket onto me until I can’t even BREATHE…!” Derpy giggled again. “Sunbutt and Moonbutt…” Discord was in front of her in a flash, looking into her eyes. “Are you giggling?” “Sure, why ever not? It’s funny…those two, so serious around everypony, afraid they’ll break wind and everypony will be exposed to the Royal Effluence…” Discord’s eyes bulged. “Don’t you mean ‘Affluence’?”, as he picked her up and stared deeply into her eyes. She smiled brightly. And shook her head. The muscles in his jaw worked back and forth for a second or two. And then, he laughed! He laughed hard enough to drop her, though she was flapping her wings within milliseconds, so she just hovered there. He didn’t just laugh. He laughed as if he had forgotten how, and just now remembered as somepony told a particularly insensitive, outrageously funny off-color gut-busting joke. Which she had. He laughed until the tears flowed like lemon-lime soda. And he handed her an umbrella to keep dry under… He laughed until he burst like a balloon…and she managed to stay neat under her umbrella as the sticky parts rained down… He laughed as the parts reassembled back into him; on his back, then on his stomach, as he pounded the ground with a fist… And as the guffawing slowed down, he tenderly hugged the little grey mailmare, and set her down gently on the ground. “Derpy…you are an absolute treasure! I could just eat you up...” “Hey, now…no voring around,” she said, which triggered another round of laughter and chaotic physical changes in him, as she giggled. Once more the laughter slowed as he tried to catch his breath. He rolled over on his back, watching her. “Oh, that was wonderful!” he wheezed gratefully. “Where did you get such a marvelously twisted sense of humor?” “Try looking through these eyes sometime, pal. You see all kinds of things with them. Learning to laugh comes along with it. Oh, it’s rough sometimes…” she said, as she settled down next to him, her head leaning against the paw as she stretched out on her back, letting the stress bleed away, “…but sometimes, things just work out.” “Aren’t you frightened by me? I’m not exactly snuggly-wuggily like ponies are.” “Discord, you’re a demigod, the Lord of Chaos. Of course you’re scary. And it is intimidating. But inside, somewhere, you’re all by yourself. You do this neat thing, you turn to say, “Hey, did you see this? Wasn’t it cool? And no pony answers you back. Soon, as you’re stretching further and further, getting stranger and stranger, one day, you just let go completely, and decide on making beings terrified instead of entertained. It’s not exactly fair for you; everypony needs a bit of chaos in their lives, otherwise, you’ll be bored out of your skull as a being. Life is what happens in between after you make your plans. It keeps you sharp, it polishes your edge.” She sighed warmly. “Where do they come up with ponies like you? First Fluttershy, who takes away my power, then you, who gives it back?” He looked up. “I’ve never been confused before, and now, I’m totally flummoxed.” “Friendship is Magic, pal. Chaos Theory in operation, in all its glory, Nopony knows why, nopony can explain how. It just is,” she said calmly. “Interesting way to explain it.” He took a deep breath. “Derpy…can we be friends?” She smiled up at the odd face. “I thought we already were. Oh, and just to let you know; I loved those wild mailboxes you did awhile back.” “That one was a bit hard. They’re mailboxes. What do you do with a mailbox? I sort of ran out of steam by then, and couldn’t think of anything really witty, so I just threw that out there.” “Well, just to let you know, I appreciated it. Once I figured out they liked muffins, I got them together enough to get their letters delivered.” “Clever pony. You actually managed that?” “I did. Now about your little problem…” Discord deflated a bit with that. “Are you absolutely sure I can’t send him to Zebrabwe?" “Not if you want to keep Fluttershy happy. An angry Fluttershy is exceptionally difficult to deal with; and if you get between her and an animal, especially Angel, it will not be pretty at all; trust me, I know. I don’t care for the little terror either, and I think it would do a world of good for Angel to learn to appreciate what he has. A six day ride in a tiny box into Zebrabwe without food, water, or a toilet just might be the impetus he needs to look for change in his life. But we can’t do it.” Discord sighed as he lounged on the ground. Then he sat up as he remembered something. “And what, pray tell, were you doing with that little hook-y thingy?” he asked curiously. “I was just about to see whether that psycho bunny trapped the mailbox.” “Of course he did. That’s why I snapped in next to you, rather than get my head blown up sticking it out of the box when you opened it.” “Really? That sneaky little lepus! I wish his head would get blown up…” she said angrily. Then they turned their heads and looked at each other in unison…grinning… “Oh, stop fussing, you little monster! If you’re completely innocent, nothing will happen…right?” Discord leered, as he raised a squirming, angry little white rabbit even with the door of the mailbox. Derpy smiled charmingly. “You know, I believe him, Discord. Sweet little bunny-wunny Angelkins wouldn’t do anything so underhanded like booby-trapping a mailbox a physically challenged pony like me might get hurt on, would he, fluffy wuffy snuffy guy…?” she grinned, as she finished with a *squee*. Angel was staring unadulterated murder at the two of them. He drew back, bit down hard on Discord’s massive paw. “Oh stop, puhlllease…it tickles,” he sniggered. “Those new rubber teeth of yours, it’s like I’m being gummed to death. You really should get together with Pinkie Pie’s alligator and compare squooshy marks after this...if there is an ‘after’. Of course, just for the entertainment of it, I could give Gummy real teeth for a bit, just to see what happens…” he said, a bit of the bad old Discord peeking out from under the executioners mask he poofed into place. “You’re not going to be hurt by this, are you, Discord?” Derpy said in mock horror. The mask disappeared with a poof. “Not a bit, my dear! I thoroughly and liberally applied some of my ‘Anti-Explosive Detonation’ cream to myself and my appendages before I even picked him up. I have patent pending on it, it works so well.” “Oh, well then, go ahead and fire away, Gridley! I’ll just stand over here, away from the sticky flying rabbity bits, if you don’t mind too much,” she said calmly. “You can have the umbrella back, if you want,” he said, as it poofed into existence by Derpy once again. He hadn’t bothered to clean it up after its last gore-filled use. “Why thank you, good sir, for your kind consideration.” She snapped it open. A bit of oozy, drippy Discord slimed down the front of it and then plopped on the ground. Angel stared at it apprehensively. “My pancreas! I wondered where it had gotten off to! Derpy, mind fetching that while I finish here?” “Why certainly, my good fellow! I’ll just toss it up on this rock here…Discord you don’t mind the dirt and grass on it, do you?” she asked as she wiped her disgusting hoof off on the ground. “We can wash it up inside…there’s going to be a bit of a mess to clean up afterward anyway; what’s one more?” he said as he turned his attention back to Angel for the last time. “Any last words, rabbit?” he said, sounding remarkably like a short, angry little man with a cowboy hat, six guns, and a fire red, long, droopy mustache. He reached for the mailbox door… Angel broke down. Derpy didn’t understand rabbit, but the flood sounded very contrite and apologetic to her. Discord listened intently. “And?” he asked when the flood cut off. The burst of sound resumed, though the character changed slightly. “Now, about Fluttershy…” A pause. Discord started reaching for the door again. There was a frightened squeak, and even more noise tumbled out. “Exactly. You need to treat her very nice, she sticks up for you when everypony else would like to see you right here like you are now. Stop being a bully. Nopony likes a bully, and even though you think you’re tough and smooth, there’s always a bigger bully out there that might take exception; got it?” A squeak of assent. He looked relieved. “One more thing, Angel…” Discord smiled. He yanked the door open. There was a tremendous BANG that made Derpy jump. As she watched, fearing the worst, the cloud of smoke dissipated. Neither Discord or Angel was hurt, though Angel had fainted dead away. The ground was littered with glitter and streamers that Discord had substituted for explosive force. The mailbox was slightly distended, like it had eaten too many letters that suddenly, explosively disagreed with it. Discord, never one to fail to tell the entire joke, was sooty and grimy from his waist to the tip of his horns. Only the clean space of his yellow eyes was untouched. Derpy smiled grandly, then snickered at the ridiculous figure Discord cut. In moments, she was rolling around on the ground laughing; the sooty body, the poinging noise his eyes made whenever he blinked, and the unconscious, floopy rabbit in his ‘hands’. He set the bunny down gently, then snapped his fingers. The poof cleaned him up, head to toe, repaired the mailbox, and policed up all the litter and glitter sprayed around. It also removed the icky yellow umbrella and any gore on her or her uniform and equipment, leaving them pristine. Discord was holding the wayward pancreas in his claw; he tossed it up, caught it in midair with his mouth, whereupon he swallowed it. He took a few seconds punching his body here and there to get it into the right place, and then proceeded to turn a remarkable shade of green as he spit gravel, dirt, and grass pieces out his mouth like an automatic weapon device. Derpy was near hysterical with laughter. His proper color now restored, Discord gently picked up the bunny and held him calmly and quietly. “Had to show him you’d do it, didn’t you?” she asked as she wiped the tears from her eyes, her body still twitching from the occasional spasm as she recalled things. “But of course, dear friend! Otherwise, he’d be back to his old habits before Monday. Threats aren’t useful without proper action to back them, otherwise, it’s just noise. And you?” She opened the box, took the single letter inside. As she closed it, she said, “I wonder what day of the week I can set aside to have lunch with a good friend.” “ME? I’m touched, my dear Derpy! I have a pretty open schedule nowadays; is there one particular day you approve of?” Discord chuckled. Most everypony else would start backing up, ears flat against their head upon hearing that. She just smiled and rubbed his leg. “I’m wrapped up with work during the week, and Saturdays are for Dinky. Wanna try Sundays for awhile? You don’t have to come for all of them if you’re tied up…” Discord flashed for a second, bound head to foot. He tipped over and thumped against the ground. Derpy giggled as he smiled. “This coming Sunday?” his poof flashed again, and he was lounging once more on the ground, his right foreleg propping his head up as he looked at her. “Why ever not? You like anything to eat in particular? I make a pretty good muffin,” she said. “Chocolate.” He sat up. “You handle the food, I’ll bring the drinks. That’s the correct form for this, right?” He was trying hard to get it straight. “Yeah, that’s how it usually goes. Is one in the afternoon okay for you, Discord?” Derpy asked happily. “Excellent! I have a lunch date!” He smiled brightly. Then he looked down. Angel woke up, holding his head. He looked around, crooked in the elbow of Discord’s left arm. He sighed heavily. “I suppose we’ll have to go back inside now. Almost finished with your work today?” “Almost. I do like to get the return in order before dropping it off. I have time at the end of my shift coming up to do just that. Then I fly home in time to greet Dinky as she comes home on the school coach. Not too bad a thing.” “Well, have a good time…friend. I’ll see you Sunday for lunch,” he said as he peered at the bunny in his arm. As he walked back into the house, he chided the rabbit. “Now, that’s the way you make a friend, Angel. Shared common interests…” she heard, just as he closed the door behind them. She stared at the door. I have a new friend. I have a demigod of Chaos as a friend. She shivered slightly as she stared. How do I explain this? Hey BonBon, Lyra, like you to meet my new friend. Discord, this is Lyra, and this is BonBon. Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s get Tavi and Vinyl, I’ll get Dinky, and we’ll all go bowling… “What did I just do?” she asked herself aloud, perplexed.