Let it never be said that Princess Celestia couldn’t hate something. Despite popular belief, she had a very long list of things she didn’t like. For instance, she hated anypony that mentioned her weight and the word ‘diet’. Those who said either of those with her name in the sentence were instantly kicked out of the castle with a good kick in the rump. Second, she hated her throne. It was nicely designed and all, but it was so uncomfortable that her back often felt like it had been through an iron maiden for an entire day. Plus, it gave her rump cramps. She would have gotten rid of it too if it wasn’t for the fact that it was a gift from the ponies of Saddle Arabia and to refuse a gift from them would have been war.
Apparently, they take their gift giving very seriously.
But the third thing was the fact that it was Hearts and Hooves Day. A day she wished never existed. Oh, she loved seeing her subjects in love. Celestia herself had personally wished many loving couples many blessings. The problem was she never, ever got her own special somepony. Apparently, she was so high in the ranks of beauty that none could ever touch her be it a mare or a stallion, rich or poor, noble or nopony.
The idea of any pony, or even any being, trying to court her was impossible in the minds of her subjects and it had been that way for thousands of years. Repeat. Thousands of years.
That made Celestia the longest lasting virgin in the world.
Even her younger sister had lovers over the years before her banishment, due to the whole “lovers at night” thing tied to her. Seriously, night time is not the only time ponies have sex. I can count the numerous times my guards and maids are screwing each other in the closets and I have to ignore them. Lucky bastards.
She was almost as desperate to just disguise herself and head to the Red Lantern District in Canterlot for a good score. Problem was she sucked at illusion magic, and her size made it clear who she was to anypony whatever cover she wore.
There were also ponies in the past she had tried to provide hints to various ponies in the past, including her own student, that she was interested in some kind of fling. Alas, Twilight Sparkle was interested in that Flash Sentry guy. Then again, she could always get rid of him in some ‘legitimate’ way. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sentry, it is with a heavy heart that I must report that your son, Private Flash Sentry, was Killed In Action against a changeling ambush after being reassigned to the Badlands. While we are unable to find his remains, we can assure you that your son has indeed died in combat and we express our sympathies. His funeral will be held next week in Canterlot, please don’t be late.
Just as she was about to continue moping about being a virgin for the rest of her life, a sudden shattering of glass woke her up from thoughts. She looked up from her throne as her guards readied themselves for an attack. A figure, cloaked in shadow, landed on the ground and snapped its fingers, turning the entire room dark despite there being four in the afternoon.
Celestia was ready to bring out her magic in case it was an attack, but instead there was another snap and a spotlight appeared on Discord. He was dressed in a grey suit, holding a microphone. A drumroll began to play as he spoke into the microphone and began to sing. Fire works began to erupt in the air as hearts and Celestia and Discord look alikes started to appear while inching closer for a kiss.
Discord continued to sing as miniature versions of him, dressed in cupid began to fly around, throwing rose petals everywhere around Celestia who stayed still. Imagines began to appear on in mid-air as if she was watching multiple movie theaters. They showed such things as her and Discord running through a flower bed, laughing and giggling. Her and Discord making out on a boat that was sailing in a silver blue lake under the full moon. Their wedding as her own student proudly pronounced them husband and wife. Just as it was about to get to her about to give birth to their children, Celestia had enough and shined her horn in the darkness, banishing the spell and silencing the music.
“Aww, but we were getting to the good part,” whined Discord as he pointed to her guards which were, impressive, sculpting a statue of her and Discord making out. Celestia just stared with disapproval. “Fine, but only because I get goose pimples whenever you stare at me like that.” He snapped his fingers and the guards had their free will again.
Flying over to Celestia’s side, Discord gave a sly grin and asked, “So, Celly. How about you and I get all ‘yin and yang’ and see how ‘balanced’ chaos and order can get? Hmmm?”
Celestia closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Let me guess this straight. You want me to be your lover? Discord, why in the name of my myself would I ever do that?”
“Because I’m devilishly charming, I am romantic when I can be, we have a long list of shipper fans who want to see us together, and I’m too irresistible?” Discord said with a cute pout. Celestia just raised an eyebrow. “Also because I possess the abilities to control reality and can do things even the Ponysutra wouldn’t even dream off and I know how desperately you want to get laid.”
Celestia’s eyes widen is it took her all but a second to come to a decision.
One of her guards, however, decided enough was enough and stepped forward. “How dare you?! The princes is not some tramp to be your buck buddy, foal spirit! I demand you leave at once and leave the chastity of the princess to preseEEEEEEEEKKKK!”
Discord watched as Celestia sent the poor guard into a window with a very powerful telekinetic throw. She then grabbed Discord by the neck with her magic and whispered, “My room. Ten minutes.”
***
Cadence galloped through the halls as fast as she could. She didn’t know how much time she had left before whatever disaster happened. As much as she wasn’t Discord’s biggest fan, she didn’t want to see him get in trouble, for once, on something she did by mistake. Worst case scenario was that Discord and Celestia would cause chaos as the lovestruck spirit chased his love all over the world and caused the next apocalypse. Best case scenario was that Celestia killed Discord.
She had been meaning an excuse to use that black dress she got from her mother-in-law.
Cadence had the counter arrow ready to fire at a moments notice as she looked for any sign of her target. When she turned the corner, she heard the sound of thumping occurring in a nearby room and gulped. Taking a deep breath, she slammed the door open and was ready to fire.
“Ah! Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!” shouted Prince Blueblood in his bed, shivering with his hooves held up in the air.
Cadence cursed and shook her head. “Sorry, Blueblood. I’m looking for Aunt Celestia.”
“Try her room, now would you please leave! I’m busy getting ready for my afternoon nap!” huffed Prince Blueblood. “A prince needs his beauty sleep after all.”
Cadence rolled her eyes before closing the door. When it was closed, a head pop out of the covers in front of Blueblood, busy licking his lips as he leaned over and began biting Blueblood’s ear, much to his pleasure. “Now that we are uninterrupted again,” said Flash Sentry as he kissed the prince on cheek. “I believe I was going to show you the proper ways on how to ‘stab’ ones ‘pointed spear’.”
Blueblood grinned as the two of them got back under the covers.
***
Cadence flew down the direction of where Celestia’s room was. Her arrow was ready and her heart was beating like crazy. Already she could hear weird sounds and the cries of her aunt and Discord crying out from inside. It was now or never.
Kicking down the door, Cadence raised her arrow and shouted, “Get away from... from...” Cadance’s face formed in horror. “SWEET MOTHER OF FAUST!”
What she saw was...
***WARNING! WE INTERRUPT YOUR FANFIC TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE FCC HAVE TAKEN OVER TO PREVENT PUBLIC INDISCRETION OF THE FOLLOWING SEX SCENE. IN ORDER TO CENSOR THIS SCENE FOR PROPER AUDIENCES WE HAVE BLOCKED OUT THIS SCENE ENTIRELY. IF THIS ANGERS SOME OF YOU, TOUGH. WE’RE THE FCC. WE ARE THE REAL GODS OF PROPER ENTERTAINMENT!***
(Four hours later)
Cadence slowly walked out of Celestia room, ignoring the sounds of the two new lovers kissing after the most mind bucking sex that Cadence had ever seen. And she had done a lot with her own husband that was even illegal in some countries. All she could do was just stare into space, eyes twitching as one one single thought came to her.
“How is it possible to shove something that big up one’s butt?”
***
Shining Armor sighed as he lay down in his bed. It would be time for Cadence to be coming home soon and he was eager to get some... fun time with his wife. For the last few hours it was paperwork and paperwork, combined with scolding his guards for making out with their respective lovers in closets.
“Still, that special arrow she had planned for us will make it all worth it,” chuckled Shining Armor as his ears perked up upon hearing the door open. “Sounds like she’s here.”
He turned around only to raise an eyebrow at who he saw. “Applejack? What are you doing in he-”
He didn’t get a chance before she tackled him off the bed and put her lips against his.