* * * * *
She was the hottest mare you've ever seen. I half-growled, half-moaned into her mouth, feeling all the tension suddenly release. My legs quivered and felt like they were about to give out on me, and I could hear my heartbeat in my head. I thought I was going to pass out. I held it together, though, and gave her a sensual lick on the face.
Panting, I flopped down next to her on the plush bed. The endorphins ran their course through my brain, and my whole body tingled. My muscles slowly relaxed. I started noticing my environment again: the silky blue sheets we lay on, the gilded tables and artwork that decorated the room, the high ceiling that extended to all six of the rooms in the suite, the giant glass doors that led out to a stunning view of Manehattan… I was in the single fanciest hotel room in the city, and I had just gotten it on with easily the sexiest mare on the planet.
And I still felt completely empty.
Sapphire Shores rolled over and sat up. She stretched her neck, and her curly blue mane tumbled over her cream-colored back as she moaned, "Mmm… Very nice work, Hon. I think somepony's earned himself a night's stay." She tossed her mane and looked at me with narrow, sultry eyes. "And how was it for you?"
My face felt heavy, and each breath felt like it was just inflating a hollow cavern inside me. I shrugged. "Eh, it was okay."
Even if I couldn't see her, I could feel her eyes digging into the side of my skull. "Excuse me?"
I rubbed my eyes with my hooves. "Sorry! Sorry. I've just been… yeah. You were great. Sorry, fantastic. You were the best."
"Better. Psh!" She stood up and mumbled to herself, "Lucky my regular skipped out on me tonight." Standing tall, she sauntered over to the bar, shaking her flanks and turning her nose up at me in a way that told me I didn't deserve her.
I rolled onto my side and heard a soft clink as she dropped some ice into two lowball glasses. She grabbed a decanter from the bar, popped the cork, and poured us something. There was no label, but the liquid was golden-brown, and it had to be expensive.
Sapph set the bottle down and shook her head. "You didn't answer me, Soarin'."
I rubbed my eyes again and sat up. "Hm?"
Her husky voice lost some of its edge as she set the glasses onto a small serving tray. "You seemed tense tonight, baby. What's–"
I cut her off. I hated when people asked me about… things. So I cracked a joke, like always. "Heh. What we just did? Not really what I'd call relaxing. Totally worth it to be with you, though, sweet cheeks."
She ignored my comeback and walked the tray over to the absurdly large bedside table. "What's on your mind?"
I turned my head to the side and stretched my wings out behind me. "Eh, I don't know," I sighed. "Just… stress, I guess." I knew that wasn't it, but it was the answer I'd been going with whenever anypony had asked.
I heard a small chuckle as she picked up our glasses. "Life of a celebrity bachelor finally getting to you, Soarin'? Too many fans throwing themselves at your hooves?"
"Something like that," I answered quickly. I wouldn't let myself think too hard about it. She passed me the drink, and I swirled it around, watching the light from a nearby gem lamp dance around in the alcohol.
She cooed at me, "Aw, my big strong pegasus needs somebody to cuddle him and …" She sang a line from one of her songs. "Protect you from those… lonely niiiiiiights-ah!"
Sapphire's condescending tone would normally have gotten on my nerves. Tonight, though, they just made me feel exposed, so I put on the goofy face again. "What, you saying you're ready to get back together?" My voice betrayed me, letting on more excitement than I'd hoped. I really wanted to give it another shot. Not with her, necessarily, but…
She came back with a bitterly dismissive tone. "Oh, hell no."
"What? Why not?" I exhaled and gulped down the drink, feeling the fire hit the back of my throat and work its way to my stomach.
"Oh, Soarin'…" She ran a hoof through my spikey mane and down my cheek, finally lifting my chin up so that my eyes were just a few inches from hers. Her breathing slowed, and she made those lusty eyes at me, the kind that just make you melt. Her voice was sweet and gentle as she explained, "It's because you're an air-headed colt with no sense of direction that can't see anything past his own nose and doesn't actually care about anypony but himself."
She dropped my chin, and my eyes shot wide open. I was stunned. "I, buh… whuh?" I looked up at her again.
Sapph's expression had flattened. "I guess what I'm saying is…" She sneered and mocked my voice with, "It was okay."
My heart rate picked up again, and I scooted back a bit. "Sapph, I said I was sor–"
"And frankly," she interrupted, turning her head to the side. "I can do better than 'okay.' I deserve better than 'okay!'" Suddenly, she jumped to her hooves and stood up on the bed. "Do you have any idea how many stallions throw themselves at me every day?" She loomed over me, and I kept scooting back as her voice grew louder and louder. "And you come in here, months after I told you I was done, expecting what? That suddenly everything would be fine again?"
"Uh, Sapph? I-I didn't–"
"What in Luna's name do you want? Tell me, Soarin'! Tell me!"
I shook. "Sapph, I–"
"I don't care!" she snarled at me. "I don't want to hear from you until you're over being 'okay.' Got it? Now get the buck out of my room!"
"Gah!" I fell backwards out of bed and felt a bolt of pain shoot up my right wing. I scrambled to get up, stumbling as I burst into a gallop towards the open window.
A glass crashed and shattered against the wall next to me. "OUT!"
I dove out the window, gaining some velocity from the fall before I spread my wings and sailed out over Manehattan. The cold night air hit me like a punch to the gut, and I was still breathing heavily from our little workout. It took me a few seconds to fight through the head rush and stabilize on the stiff breeze. My muscles tingled, I took a few deep breaths of the slightly stale air until I had collected my thoughts.
"Crazy bitch," I mumbled.
Of course, nopony had heard me, and my voice felt weak and hollow. This late at night, the sky was almost completely clear of other fliers. I was alone in the dark.
Below me, golden light shone all over dozens of skyscrapers, apartments, and shopping centers. I recognized a lot of the big places, from the Empire Neigh Building to the arena where the Wonderbolts perform. The whole city was a patchwork of square streets and tightly-packed buildings, and it seemed like it never slept. Maybe that was why I spent so much time there.
But that night, I didn't have anywhere else to go. My thoughts went in circles, and so did I. I flew in a holding pattern, not getting anywhere. 'I could see if any of the guys are still at that bar. No, they were all trying to score anyway. Maybe that unicorn guy's still there? No, that's just desperate, and I'm pretty spent on crazy one-night stands tonight. No point in going home yet, either. Maybe I should check out the bar. Some of the guys might still be there.'
I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions, but every time I would veer off towards a destination, I would get a sinking feeling in my chest. I knew what would happen: I'd find some way to distract myself for a few minutes, and then everything would get cold again. It had been that way for weeks, maybe months, and each night, I'd felt a little more alone.
My wings tired out, so before I could fall asleep in midair – don't laugh, it happens – I started spiraling gently downwards. It didn't take me long to spot an open rooftop. I fluttered down, landed gracelessly on the concrete roof, and shook out my mane, trying to wrap my head around what had happened with Sapph. "The buck is her problem?" She'd been crazy when we were together, but nothing like that. Maybe the fame had finally gotten to her? I started picturing us back together, and that same desperation started clawing at me from inside my chest.
I shook my head. As useless as I knew it would be, I needed another distraction. I trotted over to the ledge and rested two hooves on it, peering over to drink in the bright light and the dazzling sound. Ponies trickled out of buildings in pairs and large groups, a mix of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. A lot of them looked drunk, and there weren't enough cabs to serve everypony right away. The clubs must have just been closing for the night.
I don't know how long I rested there, pony-watching and idly swishing my tail, but it felt like days. Everywhere I looked, groups and couples stumbled about, hanging off each other and laughing and huddling close together. They all looked warm and comfortable, like they were glowing in the artificial light.
Me, though? I turned around, dropped onto all fours, and sighed at the darkness covering the large, barren rooftop. My heart felt heavy, and my whole body went limp as I slouched down against the ledge. The concrete scraped across my back. I didn't really feel it, though. My chest heaved once, and I kept glancing around, expecting somepony to come check on me.
Nopony was coming, though. I took a few deep, shaky breaths and wrapped myself up in my wings, completely covering my face.
I wanted it. I wanted it so badly: that moment where you're feeling free and you're with somepony you could actually connect with. It never happened with these random lays. I had to maintain the Wonderbolt image in front of the fans, and I shook my head when I thought about my teammates. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a conversation that wasn't about work or some hottie that one of the guys had scored with. Or, much more commonly, the not-really-jokes about taking my position as captain, the ones that made my skin crawl more and more every day.
Sapphire might have been a nut job, but she was right. Even with all I had – a stable job with the Wonderbolts, tons of fans, and enough cash to do whatever I wanted – I felt completely alone. I wanted somepony to cuddle me.
* * * * *
Soarin's eyes open wide. Realization races across his face. He forces out a half-hearted chuckle and looks at me nervously. "Oh, dude." Another fake chortle. "Thaaaaat sounded pretty fruity, didn't it?" He grimaces, eying me.
I take a deep breath and consciously relax my shoulders. I didn't come here to play psychologist, but I can't let my frustrations show. We're starting to get somewhere. "It sounded honest."
Soarin' blinks twice. "Uh…" He sinks further into the couch and looks downward. "...Yeah."
* * * * *
Nopony came onto that rooftop. It was quiet and really unnerving, and I muttered, "This sucks," just to break the silence.
I never liked the quiet. Quiet happens when the audience gets bored. Quiet happens when somepony you love walks out on you, or when you crash into the stands during the show and nopony knows if you're hurt, but they're too afraid to ask. Loud noises always mean something's happening, and you can feel that energy. You start to tingle all over and realize you're alive, and it lifts you up. Quiet just holds you down. It paralyzes you, ya' know? When you're left alone, everything bad starts flooding back – all the painful memories and all the mistakes you've ever made, and you wonder, and you doubt yourself… I hate the quiet.
That rooftop was quiet, and Sapphire's words crept back into my head. Air-headed? Doesn't care? I wanted to be angry at her, but I never got that angry rush of adrenaline. My chest just felt deflated.
I don't know how long I stayed there, but at some point I realized I was talking to myself. "…can't keep doing this. Sweet Luna, how long has it been since I've cuddled up and just freaking talked with somepony?" I knew the answer to that one, and I really, really didn't like it.
With a sigh, I looked around again and realized that the paparazzi would have a heyday with something like that, which finally got me up off my butt. I stank. I was tired and sore, and I wanted to go home. Plus, it was still mid-spring, so it was pretty cold out.
After taking a moment to stretch out my ultra-fine body, I hopped into the air and started flapping, not in any rush. The rooftop got further and further away from me, beat by beat, until I finally took off towards my condo. The light faded from a brilliant glow to a soft flicker as I left the city. I counted my wingbeats to myself, trying to keep distracted during my short flight back home.
The breeze was slow but favorable, so it only took about thirty minutes before I could see the large clouds that held the Wonderbolts Academy. I considered just sleeping in my office, but I didn't want to show up to work in my condition, especially in the middle of the week. Spitfire was going rag on me already.
"Hey, Soarin'! Wait up, bro!"
I whirled around and squinted at the cream-colored speck in the distance. I couldn't make out the face by the moonlight, but that bright orange mane gave it away. "Oh, hey! Fire Streak!"
He caught up in seconds and gave me a quick bro-hoof. "How's Number One tonight?" We flew next to each other, slow enough to talk. "Get in, get off, get out with that unicorn guy?"
I rolled my eyes. "Ugh, no. He sucked."
"Ha! So it was a good night, then, right?"
"What?" I hovered in place and cocked an eyebrow at Fire Streak. It took a smirk and a punch to the shoulder to snap back. "Oh, no. Ha! I wish. He had this whole macho thing going on. Wanted to throw me down onto the floor and make me his bitch."
We took off again, and he said, "Sounds… good? If you're into that sort of thing?" Fire Streak tried to hide the confusion in his voice. He was only in it for the mares, so I couldn't blame him. At least he didn't get grossed out like some members of the squad.
But I had to set the record straight, so to speak. "What, me? Nah. Not in a million years. I'm a giver, not a taker. How was your night, Two?"
He rocked his head back and forth before sighing. "Eh, no luck. Not really. Looks like we both struck out."
"Heh. I didn't say that." When his ears perked up and swiveled toward me, I added, "I went over to Sapph's place. It was a good time, but she was…" I didn't know how to put it.
He narrowed his eyes and smirked. "A crazy, heinous bitch?"
"Yeah, that." We laughed together, and Fire Streak launched into a story about some mare he knew way back when. I felt a lot more relaxed talking to him, way more than if I'd flown back alone.
We were flying past Academy property before I knew it, and he cut off his story right around the part where the two of them went to the balcony. "I'm beat. Think I'll crash here tonight." He started teasing me. "Wanna have a slumber party? Or you heading back to your castle?"
"Heading back." I ignored his tone. We'd made it most of the way back home, and he'd made me feel a lot better. There wasn't anything Fire Streak could do to get under my skin.
"Okay. G'night, Future Two."
…except that. The slight maliciousness in his voice stung like a needle to the back of my neck. All the humor was gone out of me.
I snorted and felt my jaw clench. Every bucking time, and it wasn't just him. Yeah, the Wonderbolts are a competitive group – I get that – but my squadmates always, always just had to remind me that they were gunning for my position. These ponies were supposed to be my friends, my teammates, but they wouldn't think twice before selling me out to get a better spot on the team. I grumbled a "Night" and kept flying as he veered off.
The flight back home didn't take long, and I didn't bother getting cleaned up. I walked through the door, flew up the stairs, trotted into my room, and collapsed on the bed, ready for sleep to take me.
It didn't. I've got a king-sized bed, since you never know when you'll need the extra space, but that night, the emptiness bothered me, taunted me whenever I rolled over. I kept looking at the empty pillow next to me, and through sheer exhaustion I considered going back out and finding that unicorn. No position felt comfortable, my thoughts kept going in circles, and everything from counting sheep to breathing deeply just made me more frustrated.
Worst of all? It was quiet.