Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony


135: The Derpal Gourmet

During the week since Derpy’s last visit, a heavy wet snowfall had hit the area, but that Sunday the sun was out and the air temperature had climbed, so all the mass of snow and ice that coated roofs and had been piled was melting. Rivulets of water made their way along the road down to the storm drains. The sand laid down for traction was left, and Karyn hoped that the streets would be swept so that it would look like spring.

Derpy had asked about her week, and Karyn had told the highlight of the blizzard, how her class had gotten canceled but she had helped Gayle dig out.

“And besides,” she was saying, “in this day and age the class being canceled doesn’t mean that there’s no contact with the professors. They posted assignments on the class web pages and requested e-mails to say we got them.”

“That’s good. You know you’d have to do it eventually.”

“Yes, but when I was a kid a snow day was really a free day off. But at least I didn’t have to leave the house or spend any money.”

Derpy interpreted this as a prompt to ask a question. “Speaking of which, how have you been doing on your budget?”

“Not good. The holiday season was rough. It seems like I have more and more people to buy for each year, and most of them get me useless and impractical things in return. Which is fine, that’s what holiday gift giving is for. But then there’s all the things I need to buy for my last semester. The textbooks for the advanced classes are rarer, and that makes them more expensive.”

Although she was paying attention to the meaning of Karyn’s words, she also heard some of the malaise in her voice that tended to crop up when Karyn was talking about her future. Derpy wanted to reassure her, to tell her that everything would be all right, but in the first place, Karyn wouldn’t believe her, and in the second, she wasn’t sure it would.

“Well, we can keep things on the cheap today. Or maybe figure out a way to make some money, or at least save it.”

“I’d like that. It’s one thing to have everything typed out and see where it goes, but it would help if you knew some tricks for making less of it go.”

Karyn and Derpy sat in front of her laptop and looked over the numbers. Derpy compared month to month, looking for where Karyn was losing money. Karyn had a humorous vision of Derpy in a green visor with an adding machine, playing the role of an auditor.

“Looks like you’re spending more on food these days. Don’t you have an account with the college cafeteria? I know you do, because you buy me stuff from there.”

“Yes, but I guess after four years I’m getting tired of the same fare. They have daily specials, but I’ve had every one of those several times by now. So a while back I went food shopping. You remember I had that frozen lasagna last week. I got a bunch of those and some other quick meals for when I want something different, or when I just don’t want to go out. Came in handy during the snowstorm.”

“Hm. Let’s see.” Derpy went over to the freezer and looked inside. There were a few square boxes in attractive colors, but there was also plenty of room. “Doesn’t look like you have too many.”

“Well, like I said, I ate a bunch this week. And I think the vegetarian ones are a little more expensive. Most of them have chicken or salisbury steak or such.”

“What’s that then?”

“Nobody knows. Just a kind of meat they put in frozen dinners.”

Derpy continued to stare, and Karyn was forced to shut the freezer before the heating bill rose. “I wonder...”

“Yes?”

“It might be cheaper for you to cook your own meals. I mean, if you really are looking for variety. I still think that if you got everything from the cafeteria it would be best.”

Karyn showed her the pantry. “I can get some stuff on my meal plan that lasts, like cereal and some canned goods. I’m sure they intend for people to eat them right away, but I’m making sure I don’t lose out when it’s all over. Soon I won’t have that option at all.”

“And that’s good, but you’ll get bored of that too. I still think you should cook some.”

“I’m no cook. My mother always did the cooking at home and it kind of annoyed me, the way it was treated as women’s work. Plus between my studying and everything else I do I wouldn’t have time to learn.”

“OK,” said Derpy. “Just an idea.”

“You don’t really cook a whole lot either.”

“Sometimes I do. Mostly I bake. I think I told you about this once before. That I like baking because you can just follow the recipe to the letter and everything will come out right. But with cooking you have to make some decisions.”

Karyn shook her head. “I definitely don’t want to learn baking. I would eat too many sweets and get fat. No offense.”

“None taken. If you’ve forgotten that I’m overweight, that’s a good sign for me.”

“But my point is that it wouldn’t help me solve the problem. I’ve still got to eat three meals a day, and they’ve got to be paid for.”

Derpy returned to the laptop. “Which is why I say that making them yourself has got to be cheaper. I mean, it only makes sense that if you’re doing the work that you’d save money, right?”

“I still don’t know how. And if you don’t either, you can’t teach me.”

“But we can figure it out together.”

Karyn wasn’t sure if two people who didn’t know something could become one who did, but if nothing else it was something to do that day.

“OK, where do we start?”

Derpy waved her hooves, and Karyn realized that she was miming what she would do in her own kitchen when she had to cook. With her eyes closed, Derpy opened an imaginary door and pulled something down.

“The first thing,” she said at last, “is that you need a cookbook. They have full recipes in them, but they also have good tips on how to measure out foods or make simple things that you eventually put into the more complicated recipes. We should go buy one.”

“I think we can just use the internet.”

Derpy looked at the computer. “Yes, but we want to get it today so we can figure out something to make. If you order it online, it’ll take at least until tomorrow to get here, right?”

“No, I mean we can look for recipes online.”

“They have those?!”

“I’m pretty sure.” Karyn searched for recipes and several prominent sites were displayed.

“If you’ve got access to all these, you should have learned to cook long before! You don’t need anyone to teach you.”

“Yeah, I kind of do. So what should I make? There are so many choices.”

“What do you want?”

“I want what’s cheap.”

“If only we knew what that is.” Derpy was being serious, but it gave Karyn an idea.

“I bet we can see what’s on sale at the local grocery store if we go to their web site.”

She pulled it up and then went to their circular. They had both a scanned copy of the paper one that people less technologically savvy than Karyn still got in their newspapers, and a searchable one. Karyn went to the scanned sheet.

“They really push these sales,” said Derpy.

“They have to. Grocery businesses operate on a thin margin. OK, here’s the produce section. Good place to start.”

“See, this is what it’s all about.”

Karyn stopped scanning the circular. “What is?”

“Cooking. It’s not just about the execution but about the planning. If you make sure that you don’t forget to buy any ingredients, or that you don’t think you have some when you don’t, that can stop you from making mistakes or having to substitute something not as tasty.”

Karyn wondered if some stories were involved in what Derpy had said, but she let it pass. “Maybe I should make a database for what I buy. I could keep inventory, cross reference it with my budget. Wow, I really am a geek, aren’t I?”

“You’re not.”

“No, it’s cool. Being a geek isn’t so bad anymore. But OK, let’s figure out something I can make. Hey, pasta’s on sale. The really good kind is only a dollar a box. What if I made that?”

“Just pasta?” Derpy looked skeptical.

“I could get some sauce in a jar and pour it on. I’m pretty sure I could boil the water and make it.”

“That’s not cooking then. You should make something that challenges you.”

Karyn thought some more. “How about I try to copy what I had last week. The vegetable lasagna. That way I can still take advantage of the sale.”

“Good idea! And you can see how much better it comes out when you make it yourself.”

“OK, what else do we need?”

She searched for a recipe. Not having any standards to go on for which one to pick, she took the first and then used the circular’s search function to see which items were on sale.

“Are you making a list?” asked Derpy.

“No, I should do that. Or I can just bring up the recipe on my phone and use that as my list. Heh, it still wants jar sauce as part of the recipe.”

“It says you can use homemade.”

“One task at a time. I remember my mother making sauce now and again, and it took her all day, constantly stirring to make sure it didn’t burn. Well, come on, I’ve got my list.”

They went out to the car. Karyn seemed to know where the store was, so she didn’t use her GPS. It wasn’t very far, but when they did reach the store it took them a while to find a parking spot. And once they did get there, Karyn stood by the car and stared at the building.

“Something wrong?” asked Derpy, who had gone invisible. “The wagons are all up there.”

“No, it just struck me as funny. I used to go shopping with my mom when I was young. She would take care of everything and I...now I’m doing it for myself. It’s such a grown-up thing to do.”

“It’s just like shopping for clothes, though. It can be fun.”

“Yeah, but...it just feels different. Come on, let’s get inside.”

The grocery store had two entrances, one of which was by the produce department where almost everything they needed was. But they wound up going in the other one which was by the bakery. Derpy eyed the muffins and cakes with a greedy invisible look, but she didn’t have the time. “You’ve got the list. What do we get first?”

“Probably the pasta,” said Karyn, checking her phone. “You know, this is the perfect place to talk to you over the Bluetooth. Everyone gets on cell phones while grocery shopping. It helps people get the right stuff. Before we had them, people would forget or get the wrong thing and have to come back several times.”

“Sounds like something I would do. Wait, go down this aisle.”

“Huh? That’s not the pasta aisle.”

But Derpy had already gone down. “You need salt and pepper, and spices.”

The spice rack was at the far end, and she walked in front of it. She picked up the salt and pepper and was ready to keep going, but Derpy held her. “What now?”

“You should get some of these too. Get paprika and marjoram and rosemary.”

“But those aren’t in this recipe.”

Derpy had a sneaky grin in her voice. “No, but they’ll be in others, and having them on hand will make you want to try those recipes since you have some of the ingredients already.”

“But then I’ll be spending money instead of saving it.”

“Over the long term, it’ll work out. Because you don’t use all of the spice in each recipe. So even though one of these bottles might be five dollars, it’ll last you a couple of years and it’ll only be a few cents each meal.”

Karyn looked over the rack. “There are so many of them.”

“Yes, but different recipes call for different spices. It’s how you make something tastier.”

“How about if I look online for a spice rack that comes pre-filled. I’ll have it delivered and this way I’ll have a place to store them.

In Derpy’s mind, the immediacy of getting Karyn to cook more battled with the organized look that a spice rack would give her apartment, as opposed to just having all the bottles in a drawer. Organization won. “OK, but don’t forget.”

They made their way quickly through the rest of the store, getting the ingredients for the lasagna. When they arrived back at Karyn’s place, Derpy spread the ingredients on the table since counter space was limited. “I guess I have to cut up some of these vegetables, like the carrots, huh?” said Karyn.

“Yeah, and you have to lean over. That’s one advantage I have. I can put stuff on a high table and fly up to cut them.”

“But I have hands to grip the knife with. I should really have one of those safety peelers to do the carrots though. And then I could use it on potatoes too.”

Derpy showed her how to peel the carrots without losing too much. “Do you at least have a pan?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t try the lasagna without one.”

They layered the pasta and fillings in a glass pan according to the recipe. The noodles were a little to long, so Karyn trimmed them and used them for the top layer. “That’s not perfect, but I guess it’ll do.”

“Yeah, but here’s where I worry about cooking.” Karyn went back and checked the recipe one more time on her laptop. “It says that it needs to go in for an hour. But what if my oven is too weak? Or too strong? I could overcook or undercook it. Overcooking means I’ve wasted all my time and money.”

“So we’ll check on it when it gets close to the time. I think with lasagna you can stick a fork in it and if none of the cheese comes off then it’s done. Or maybe that’s cake.”

Rolling her eyes, Karyn put the pan into the oven. “And then what if it’s undercooked? I mean, it’s not like I’ve never cooked anything, but so often I’m impatient and take it out before the recipe says it’s time to, or I take it out on time but it’s still not done. And if I make something for other people, I could make them sick.”

“Have you ever made yourself sick?”

“No, but that could just be because the food didn’t have any germs on it in the first place. Or I killed them anyway even if it wasn’t completely done.”

“So there you go!” Derpy said, brightening. “Don’t worry, we’ll both keep an eye on this to make sure it’s safe to eat.”

“We’re going to have to pay attention to it. It’s not like we can go out and leave the oven unattended.”

“So that will save you money.”

“How?”

“If you’re here, you’re not out spending.”

This logic, while sound, did little to assuage Karyn’s skepticism about cooking as a long-term hobby. They settled in to watch videos, an activity that Karyn suspected Derpy liked more than she did. It only made sense, though. Karyn could casually take a link off an article and watch a five-minute video, then leave it alone for two days. But Derpy only got to see them on Sundays, so she wanted to take the chance when she could.

After they’d watched for about a half hour, Karyn said, “Should we check on the lasagna yet?”

“It’s not nearly done. You can, but there’s no chance, even if you had an extra hot oven, that it would be ready.”

Nonetheless, Karyn turned on the light inside her oven. It didn’t look all that different from when it went in, with the exception of some bubbling at the side.

It was fifteen more minutes before Derpy would allow her to open the oven and look at the dish. “I can’t tell if it’s done,” Karyn said. There’s no charring or anything, so it’s not overdone. I think we should leave it in a few minutes more.”

“All right, but don’t keep checking it too often. When you open the oven door you let all the heat out, and then the oven’s got to heat it up all over again.”

“I know. I can’t stand the heat, and I have no frame of reference about what to do in such a situation.”

This was said in humor, but Derpy didn’t know the aphorism Karyn was referencing.

Derpy counselled patience, but Karyn paced and eventually went to the bathroom to count the time on her phone. From there, she heard, “OK, we should take it out.”

Karyn emerged and raced to the oven. “I hope it didn’t burn while I was washing my hands.”

“It’s not like the microwave. An extra few seconds won’t burn the food.”

Karyn was busy with pot holders, placing the pan on top of the stove. She looked at it as though expecting it to explode. It didn’t.

“So, lunch?”

She carved out a couple of squares and put them on plates. Derpy dove into hers, but Karyn was more hesitant, as if refusing to believe that anything she had created would be palatable.

“It’s good!” said Derpy, blowing with her mouth open. Karyn got her a glass of water and poured herself one as well. The cheese was indeed blisteringly hot, and she took a drink to cool it. “Tell me that’s not as good as the one you had last week.”

Karyn savored and tasted critically. “The spinach has that fresh taste which I like, so that’s good. But there’s something missing. Maybe it’s in all the salt and chemicals they put in, but there’s a certain taste to the microwaved food that I like. It might be that fifth flavor they talk about, with the weird name. Umami, I think.”

“I think it’s the best I’ve had. I didn’t eat what you had last week, but this has to be better than that.”

“The one thing it has in advantage is that there are no cold spots. The microwave heats very unevenly.”

Derpy looked back at the pan. “And you’ve got plenty for leftovers.”

“I didn’t even think about that. I guess I can put some plastic wrap on that and eat it all week. I’ll have to microwave that, though.”

“Why can’t you reheat it in the oven?”

Blinking, Karyn said, “I suppose I could. It would take longer, but on the other hand I don’t have instructions for how long I should put it on for.”

“And? Do you like cooking? Will you do it again?”

“That’s harder to say. If, like you said, it saves money, then I might. Because it does give me a variety of things to eat. It’s just not fun for me. But it might be fun if it helps in other ways. Besides, they say that cooking helps you attract people too. I could find a nice guy and cook meals for us together.” She surveyed the cutting boards and dishes. “But I’m going to make him clean up when I do. This is the other downside of cooking. With the frozen meal everything was plastic and could go in the trash.”

Derpy got up and surveyed the counter. “It’s not that much more than what you have to do after breakfast each time I come over.”

“I guess not, but I’m not as big on breakfast as you are. I’ve always seen it as something to get through, a chore in itself. I guess it’s better that I’m eating it, but it’s still almost like work. And because it is, I don’t mind the added work of cooking and cleaning. When it comes to lunch and dinner, that’s supposed to be my time to consume. And that should mean no work.”

Derpy got up and walked toward her saddlebag. For a moment Karyn thought that she had somehow offended Derpy and that she was leaving. But that quickly left her mind. Derpy was hard enough to offend, and if she were upset, she would talk about it rather than storming out. Instead she reached deep into the bag.

“Could you put away the lasagna now? Just to be safe?”

Karyn didn’t know what she meant, but she found her plastic wrap and put the rest of the tray into the refrigerator. “What are you doing?”

Derpy aimed a spell at the kitchen and turned it. Within a moment it was spotless.

“This cleaning spell should be used sparingly,” she said, “or at least that’s what Lyra told me. It can get a little crazy if you use it too much, and start to think things are dirt that aren’t. She said she lost one of Bon-Bon’s socks that way. But for now, I figured, why not?”

“Thanks. Yeah, don’t give me that, I’ll make Gayle’s house go away.”

They had a laugh almost as good as the meal.