//------------------------------// // No? Really? Am I That Transparent? // Story: Who Is This Lord Tirek You Speak Of? // by Bucking Nonsense //------------------------------// I suppose that if you're going to have to have a battle to decide the fate of the world, a rock off is the absolute best way to do it. I mean, sure, my lovely sisters, the Trifecta, were of the opinion that a fist-fight between two shirtless men with nice abs was better, and my dad thought that a samurai swordfight was the way to go. My mom? Wizard duel. Fireballs, lightning, the whole shebang. But me, personally? A battle of the bands was the only way to do it. Given what I'd learned of Equestria, and of Twilight's adventures, I can't help but wonder if this world is of the same opinion. Equestrians, and in fact just about every other race on this planet, love to sing, and the more powerful the being, the better a singer they usually are. I can't help but wonder, is Elvis really dead, or did he travel to Equestria so that he could ascend to godhood? Ah, sorry, I'm getting a little off-track. Anyhow, Discord's challenge initially startled the old goat, but then, there was a sudden change in his behavior. The... thing's eye widened, and when he spoke, he actually seemed... interested. Greatly interested, in fact. "A musical competition?" The old goat's voice sounded... worryingly enthusiastic. "Really? I'd be delighted!" That should have been a warning sign, right then and there. Grogar's city was once a marvel of the world, as dark and terrible as it was, and if there was one thing that the old goat enjoyed, it was the sound of music. While the sound of bells was especially pleasant to him, he loved music in all its many forms. It was the reason why he'd kept the ponies alive: While his servants, the trogs, were fierce warriors, they couldn't carry a tune if it had handles attached, and all of them had tin ears besides. Ah, figuratively speaking, of course. He mostly kept his pony slaves around just to hear them sing. His tone turned suspicious as he asked, "But what are the terms? I assume you are wagering safe passage out of Tambelon, free of interference from myself and all those things that roam the city at night. But what are you willing to wager in exchange?" Discord held up The Kazoo Of Wonders with a grin and said, "Freedom. If you win, you'll finally be free to leave your prison in the world of shadows." Raising an eyebrow, he asked, "Interested?" "Oh my, yes, very interested." The goat chuckled wickedly, asking, "But who shall judge our little competition? I sincerely hope you don't expect me to be an impartial critic, and I suspect that you'll hardly be willing to give a fully honest appraisal of my work, either." I'd really hoped I'd not have to do this, but I supposed that I had no choice. "I've got that covered. A moment, please?" I turned my head towards the opening that the Bagger 288 had created, and shouted, "HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR!!!" This time, he didn't bother with the theatrics. He just popped into existence, and asked, "Sup?" Looking me over, he added, "Wrong number again?" Hastur, if that is who and/or what he truly was, was as unsettling as before. I couldn't say for certain if he was a figure in yellow robes with a mask, or a mass of tentacles, or what, but whatever he was, he seemed way too... casual. Too... human, for something that should, by all rights, transcend human comprehension. But then again, it may have just been my mortal mind trying to put a face to something that didn't have a face. Or maybe the great old ones, in spite of the drastic differences in appearance, are a lot more like us than we would like to think... Nervously, I said, "We need an impartial judge for a rock off competition. I don't suppose you'd be interested?" Surprisingly, the aspect of itself that was a figure in yellow robes, pulled said robes open, revealing a Darkest Of The Hillside Thickets T-Shirt, and exclaimed, "FHTAGN YES!!! Just let me get the crew together!" As he turned towards the opening, I heard him say, "I haven't judged a musical competition since Erich Zann and Paganini went at it over that golden fiddle. This is gonna be great!" Grogar, seeming to have difficulty with what he was seeing, asked, "What in Hades is that?" Chuckling merrily, Discord said, "Something that even I wouldn't want to pick a fight with. A horror from beyond space and time. Fairly pleasant chap, surprisingly, as long as you stay on its good side. His kind view worlds like ours as a source of entertainment, mostly. The perfect choice for a judge: His kind have absolutely no stake in who wins or who loses, given that he's not even of this plane of existence, let alone this world." Grogar had no way of responding to that. In fact, he seemed a little disturbed, perhaps even frightened, of the creature now present in the room. Surreal, but in a way, it made a weird kind of sense: Grogar had spend pretty much his entire existence being the biggest fish in a small pond. He just learned that there's an ocean out there, and that there were sharks there... as well as whales. Grogar might have been banished to the realm of shadows, and he might be powerful beyond belief, but... Well, the average mortal is probably like an ant, or maybe an amoeba, to Hastur. Grogar, at his peak, might register as a cockroach, but nothing higher than that. Hastur was... distressingly polite to us mere mortals, like a person who might go out of his way to avoid stepping on an anthill, and might even leave sugar out for the little ants to eat, but that didn't change the fact that he was as far beyond humans as anything could ever get. Hastur, if I recalled correctly, was the character depicted in The King In Yellow, making him one of the few beings in the mythos who interacted directly with humans. There were a couple of other beings in the cosmic pecking order who were like that, if HP Lovecraft could be believed. Hastur broke me from my reverie when he shouted out, "NYARLATHOTEP!!! GET YOUR BLACK ASS DOWN HERE!!! AND BRING THE SKINNY KID WITH YOU!!!" Okay, Nyarlathotep, I remembered. But... who was the skinny kid? In front of Hastur, there suddenly appeared a tall, African human with a big smile, and he (or it) was dressed like an Egyptian pharaoh, a jackal-headed staff clutched in one hand. And beside him? A tall, skinny, humanoid thing with no face, wearing an incredibly dapper business suit. He looked a little bit nervous, like a freshman who'd suddenly been asked to hang out with the coolest seniors on campus. Okay, yeah, I should have expected that. Slender Man might not have been part of the official mythos, but he does fit right in... "So, what's up?" Nyarlathotep asked, an eyebrow raised. Hastur, his tone one of barely contained excitement, said, "We've been invited to judge a rock off!" Nyar looked surprised, and asked, "No shit? Sweet. I could use a break." Slender Man remained silent, but was trembling nervously in excitement... Hastur, spinning to face us and turning a little more serious, said, "Alright, you two, standard rock off rules: You each get one song, and the three of us will evaluate it, giving it a score from... what do you call it, one to ten? Yes, one to ten. The performer who has the highest score shall win. In the event of a tie, you both go again. Understood?" I nodded, and the old goat gave a gruff, "Agreed." Cocking a grin at Grogar's eye, I asked, "So, do you want to go first?" Say what you will about the old goat, but Grogar recovered quickly. "Absolutely. One moment, please." The eye retreated, and then a pair of hooves, normal sized, appeared at the edges, stretching the crack in midair noticeably wider. Once the crack was made large enough, I finally got a good look at Grogar... and, well, he's a big blue goat. I didn't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. The eye much have been magnified somehow (Maybe the tear was really tiny on his end, and he had his eye right up against it?), because now, he seemed no larger than I was... which was still pretty damned big, compared to everypony in Equestria. He wore a silver bell on a red collar around his neck, and he had a pair of impressive horns and red eyes, but asides from that, he was just a great big goat. But what really worried me was the fact that Grogar had a guitar. A guitar with a body in the shape of a goat's skull. And it was a triple guitar. It was also on fire, and had lightning crackling up and down the strings. I honestly have no idea how the fuck that works, but it obviously did. And. It. Was. Awesome. Credit where it was due, Grogar had style when it came to guitars. My first thought was that it would be impossible for that thing to play, and if it did, it would sound awful. You know, like how a fiddle made of gold would: It would be incredibly heavy, and the strings would never be able to produce the right sounds. But then, his bell began to glow, and the guitar strings began to vibrate. And... Alright, I'll admit, I almost lost all hope right then and there. There's skill, and there's skill, and being able to play Through Fire And Flames by Dragonforce takes epic skill. I'll even go so far as to admit that Grogar had skillz with a Z. Had I not seen the judges out of the corner of my eye, I might have immediately forfeit the match... Nyarlathotep, Slender Man, and Hastur were leaning against one wall, watching and listening... but other than that, they didn't seem to be into it. It was almost as if they seemed... disappointed. "This doesn't bode well," Discord whispered in my ear. He looked more than a little scared at that moment. I smiled, and whispered, "Let's wait for what the judges have to say before we give up the good fight." That song is hella long, and has a great many epic riffs. In terms of guitar work, it was a masterpiece. However, there's a lot more to rock and metal than just guitar playing. Hell, Apocalyptica rocks out loud, and it's composed of three cello players and a drummer. Grogar's voice was a dull monotone. For all his skill, his heart wasn't truly in it. He could play the guitar like a metal god, but where it really mattered, he was deficient. And when the judges gave their scores, it showed. "Seven," Nyarlathotep said, flatly. "You're great with the guitar, but for pity's sake, goat, take some singing lessons!" Slender Man held up six fingers, five on one hand, and on the other the middle finger was extended. So, either a six, or a negative five? I got the feeling that he wasn't enjoying himself as much as he'd hoped he would. Hastur, his voice a little annoyed, said, "Five. I'm sure your mother is very proud of your ability to play really, really fast, but faster isn't necessarily better. The lyrics were so-so, and your singing voice is like fingernails on the chalkboard of my mind... which is saying something. If you weren't so skilled with the guitar, I wouldn't even have given you that much." Grogar was flabberghasted, but he had to accept the scores as they were given. He might have tried to bully mortal judges for an improved score, but not these three... Discord looked over at me, then asked, "Will you need any help?" Smiling, I waved him away and said, "I got this." Putting epic pick to epic guitar, I began to play a song from one of my favorite bands: Drink, by Alestorm. There are few things more incredible than True Scottish Pirate Metal, and with Tirek's gruff voice, I was able to do a very good impersonation of the band's front man. The guitar took care of the drums, violin, and back up vocals... and almost immediately, I knew I had it in the bag. Within a minute, Slender Man began throwing the goat, while Nyarlathotep started tapping his foot in time to the beat. Hastur held up a cigarette lighter in one tentacle, and lit it. At the first chorus, Nyar started thumping his staff in time, and Slender was throwing the goat with both hands. A second cigarette lighter joined the one that Hastur had out. And as I roared into the finale, Nyarlathotep was playing air guitar on his staff, Slendy was headbanging violently, and every tentacle that Hastur had was holding a lit cigarette lighter. And Grogar? In spite of himself, I spotted him nodding in time as the song went on. When the song reached its finale, Grogar raised a hoof, and admitted, "I do not need to hear the score. I know when I have lost. I shall concede defeat." With a dismissive gesture, he said, "Take your prizes and go." An eyebrow raised, Discord asked, "What, no loud, extended scream of 'No'? That's my favorite part!" Grogar, with a snort, said, "I have been at this for eons, Discord. I play the long game: This is not the first time that I have been foiled, and it shall not likely be the last. What matters is not how many setbacks I suffer, but that in the end, I shall stand triumphant." Discord rolled his eyes at that, as did I. The goat didn't lack for confidence or determination, I suppose, but then again, Skeletor didn't either. If the amount of time it took him to succeed was equivalent to that of He-Man's arch-nemesis, Equestria had more urgent concerns, such as, oh, I don't know, the heat death of the universe? Hastur waved a tentacle to catch my attention, then said, "Great song, mortal. I was not disappointed. Feel free to invite us any time you have a rock off. Fhtagn, just let me know when you want to jam! It's hard to find anyplace where we can go to a concert without the locals screaming and shooting blood out of their eyeballs. We might have to make this place our new vacation destination." I gulped, then said, "Just, uh, be sure to get the okay from the big ponies before you start crashing any parties. I can't guarantee that everyone is as open-minded as I am." I got the distinct impression of an eye roll, however many eyes that Hastur has, and he said, "Fine, fine. Fair enough. But for now, we gotta go. Places to go, things to do. You know the deal." "Perfectly understandable," I admitted with a nod. "See you around." Hopefully not anytime soon... And with that, the three were gone. Poof. Vanished. Wish I knew how to do that. I walked over to where Leni was hanging from the ceiling. Disord snapped his fingers and her bindings vanished, and I caught her before she reached the ground. She hugged me enthusiastically, and exclaimed, "My hero!" I admit, I blushed a little bit at that. And then, I turned my attention towards Sombra... He was still clutching that sundered horn of his, and glaring at us with an expression of undisguised loathing... Pointing his hoof in our direction, he shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" Rolling my eyes, I asked, "Really? Because from where I'm sitting, I'm pretty sure you did a stellar job of fucking your life up centuries before I ever came along." Look, I'm sorry, but this guy was a unicorn supremacist, murderous tyrant, who, if not the most evil pony to have ever lived, then was almost certainly in the top ten. I wasn't going to mince words with him. Either he wasn't listening, though, or my words just added fuel to the fire. His voice went deadly cold, and he said, "I swear, by all things dark, by all that hates, none of you are leaving this place alive." With that, Sombra drove the horn into his chest, tip first. "Uh oh," Discord said, his face taking on the perfect 'Oh Crap' expression. "Uh oh," said Grogar, his own goatish features nearly mirroring Discord's. "Uh oh?" Both Leni and I asked in unison. Sombra's body began to swell, and his teeth, which were once mostly flat, with the exception of his fangs, began to become sharp, and wicked looking... Discord snapped his fingers, calling up a transparent barrier, just seconds before the mutating tyrant began throwing himself towards us, laughing like a lunatic. "Sombra's dark magic," Grogar said, his tone now revealing far more emotion than I thought that the old goat had, and this emotion being of absolute horror, "was stored primarily in his horn. It had to be, since dark magic can corrupt living flesh very quickly. Even just the tiny bit that ebbs from his horn into his body was enough to... mutate him, changing him into something both more and less than the average unicorn. Now he's taken all of the dark magic in that horn, and forcibly implanted it into his body." His body grew larger still, and tentacles started erupting out of his back, with wicked looking barbs on the ends. His hooves slowly warped into claws... "Of course, dark magic of that magnitude cannot be contained within mortal flesh for very long, without destroying it. That's why Sombra kept it in his horn, and I utilize my bell. So, once the energy causes his body to mutate as far as his biology will allow, it will be just a matter of time before he overloads... and explodes." With a gulp, he added, "And trying to attack him now would just make him detonate sooner." Gulping, I asked, "How big an explosion are we talking?" Discord, almost conversationally, asked, "Ever see the movie 'Akira'?" "Oh shit," I said, as I began to realize just how fucked we were. Wait, we? "So, why does Grogar sound so scared?" Clearing his throat, the goat admitted, "While I may be locked in the realm of shadows, the city of Tambelon is a point of contact between both worlds, and as you saw, energy can still flow between the realms, especially the power of dark magic. An explosion of that magnitude, here, will be just as damaging on my end as it will be on yours." Sombra's body was now massive. His eyes were now blood red, with no visible whites or pupils, and the crazy purple smoke that used to just ebb out from both orbs was now billowing out in abundance. More tendrils were whipping out from his body, as well as other, stranger appendages. Sombra was still laughing like a madpony. Or a mad-thing. His voice was warped, distorted, like something from out of hell's cesspit. There was hardly anything still equine about him. He was going to die, a hideous freak of nature, and he knew it, but if he was he would take us all to pony hell with him... No one could teleport in or out, due to how fucked up space was here, and given how worried Discord and Grogar were, it was obvious that they didn't expect to survive being at ground zero. Hell, there was no guarantee that, if we did teleport and survived, that we'd be out of range. We were all going to die... Fuck. That. Shit. My brain kicked into full-on Emperor Kickass McAwesometown mode, and the simplest idea possible came to mind. "Grogar," I asked, keeping my tone calm, "You could take that power away from Sombra, right?" Well, what he gaveth, he ought to be able to taketh awayeth, in an ideal world... Studying me for a moment, he admitted, "I could work my magic upon Sombra before because of the bargain we had reached. My dehorning him ended that bargain, along with my ability to work magic upon him across the gulf between the realms. He'd have to be here in the realm of shadows for me to be able to do as you suggest." His eyes widened in surprise, and he asked, "Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?" "Maybe," I admitted with an evil grin. After all, we'd walked in here with a tool that could move things to and from the realm of shadows, right? "So, if Sombra was there with you, you would be able to take care of him very quickly?" A wicked grin crossed his face as Grogar said, "'Quick' would not enter the equation, if I have anything to say about it, but yes, I could handle him." Looking over at Discord, I asked, "Still got that kazoo handy?" An equally nasty grin on his face, Discord said, "Way ahead of you." On what could still be called Sombra's face, a look of shock could be seen briefly as Discord brought The Kazoo Of Wonders to his lips, and blew. With a poof of blue smoke and what I swear was a handful of confetti, the tyrant vanished. Grogar, turning to look at something 'offscreen', said, "One moment please." He then stepped away, and there was a series of loud noises, a few screams of pain, and finally a shout of 'UNCLE!' A moment later, the goat returned, looking worse for wear, but grinning triumphantly. "Taken care of." Looking the goat over, I asked, "So... what will you do with him, now?" He seemed as if he might have been ready to say 'None of your business', but he reconsidered. Given that I had just saved his life, that seemed to have put me into his good graces, such as they are. "I have a cell where I keep those who have failed me spectacularly. I shall spare you the details, but it is quite dreadful, if I do say so myself. I shall ensure that he shall have a very long time to consider how... ill-advised his actions were." With a cold chuckle, he added, "I'm certain that Bray will appreciate some company, after all of these eons alone." I considered demanding Sombra back, but after trying to kill me, Leni, Discord, and Mister Metal Goat Rocker, as well as anyone else within the blast radius of his self-detonation, what little pity I might have felt towards Sombra was long gone. I honestly didn't care if Grogar planned to cram a steak down Sombra's throat and shove a hungry honey badger up his ass thrice a day, every day, until the end of time. Whatever Grogar intended, Sombra had earned a thousand times over, and then some. "Just make sure he doesn't bother anyone, ever again," I said with finality. Grogar nodded, and said, "Done." After a moment, he added, uncomfortably, "I am... not in the habit of remaining in debt to others, mortal. I owe you my life, and I pay what I owe. If you ever have need of something, let me know." I considered asking for something then and there: I wasn't in the habit of keeping people in my debt, myself. However, having Grogar owe me a favor might be useful someday in the future, so I simply nodded, and said, "I'll keep that in mind." Picking up Leni and setting her on my equine back, I bowed and said, "But for now, we must go. Places to go, and things to do. I'm certain you understand." With a small snort, the goat nodded, and said, "Of course. Our original bargain still stands. You will have safe passage out of the city. I recommend traveling quickly, though: As terrible as night can be in the ruins of Tambelon, the city can be far worse in the light of day." Right, this city was the stuff of nightmares when you could barely see it in the moonlight. Who knew how terrible it might get once it was fully illuminated... Grogar's opening in the air closed with finality, and we left the ruins of Tambelon with all the speed we could muster.