I laid in the hospital bed, mildly having a mental breakdown.
It was the day after I had become the first human in history to hold a conversation with intelligent, non-human life, and I was fighting a losing battle against my worst enemy: my own mind.
I've always been fairly quick-witted. I'm able to see things from multiple perspectives, understand other people's viewpoints even if I don't share them, and I have a very active imagination.
The downside of this is that I'm most able to see my own mistakes. I would say or do something awkward, notice it immediately, then over-analyze it until it felt like there's a big flashing neon sign pointing right at me, when in reality my slip-up would be something so small that anyone who might have noticed it wouldn't really care.
I've gotten better about it in recent years, thanks to my sister. She may not have been the easiest person to get along with sometimes, but she helped me adopt the philosophy that, as long as I wasn't harming anyone, if someone had a problem with who I am as a person, then that's their problem.
This is great, except when I convince myself that someone who might have a problem with me, can also make a problem for me.
I taught myself a trick, learned to focus on whatever else I could to keep my doubt at the back of my mind so that it couldn't scare me out of living my life.
But as I lay in that hospital bed, with nothing to distract myself but the dots on the ceiling above, it became harder and harder to keep that doubt locked away.
~ * ~ * ~
~ * ~ * ~
You're screwed, Jack.
'It's not that bad.'
You can barely move, and you're trapped at the mercy of an alien race. Did you ever stop to ask why Celestia's so keen on helping you?
'She said it was because I was hurt-'
You believed that? You believed that the alien politician would help you just because? That there isn't some ulterior motive here?
'Well, maybe she just wants to establish friendly relations with Earth. Like a cultural exchange.'
A cultural exchange? You work at a gas station! You count change and mop floors! You aren't qualified for this! You're not qualified to represent the country, let alone the entire human race!
"Jack..."
'Well then, they can send someone who is qualified when I get back-'
What makes you think she'll let you go back?!
'What makes you think she won't?'
Wake up, Jack! You're in Wonderland! What's stopping Celestia from going 'Queen of Hearts' on your ass?! Decapitation isn't as fun as it looks!
"Jack, listen to me..."
'Why the hell would she want to execute me?'
Let's see, hm? You insulted her, ogled her, accused her of being a monster, and made fun of the name of her home!
'I apologized-'
Oh yeah, 'cause that worked so well for Guy Fawkes and his buddies. "Sorry for trying to blow up Parliament, King James. Please don't have us tortured in the Tower of London and then publicly hanged"!
"Jack!"
~ * ~ * ~
~ * ~ * ~
Dr. Panacea stood over me, her hand clutching my shoulder. I was drenched with sweat and my breathing was erratic. The heart monitor's screen was flashing red and couldn't seem to keep up with my racing pulse.
"Wh-wha-"
"Calm down, Jack. You're going to be fine," Dr. Pan soothed.
I clenched my eyes shut and tried to get my breathing back under control. After swallowing a few times, I spoke. "What just...?"
"You were having a panic attack, young man." We had shared the proper terms for our species yesterday evening: man and woman, stallion and mare. "I had to administer a mild sedative. Are you feeling better now?"
I nodded. My breaths were still a little shaky, but my heart had stopped its impression of a jackhammer in my chest. "Yeah, just... It all just hit me, y'know?"
"I see," she nodded as she moved to occupy the chair Celestia had sat in yesterday. "Well, I'm no psychiatrist, but if you'd like to talk about it, I'd be willing to listen."
"It's just..." I laid my head back and sighed. "I am in way over my head, here."
"How do you mean?"
"I mean- did you hear what I said to the Princess yesterday?" I ranted. "I acted like an idiot. No wonder that guard wanted to beat the crap out of me. I'm surprised Princess Celestia didn't just let him."
"Hmm," Dr. Panacea mused, interrupting my tirade. "It seems that Ms. Sparkle isn't the only one that suffers from over-reactive tendencies."
"Ms. who?" I asked.
"Hm?" she said. "Oh, just thinking aloud, young man. Never mind that. Now, regarding what you said, I wouldn't worry too much about it."
"Why not?"
"Members of my family have served as the royal physician for generations. I've known the Princess for most of my life. She is far less severe than you seem to believe. In fact, I think she found your conversation refreshing."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes," Dr. Panacea nodded, "I believe she found it a nice change of pace. If not, would she have laughed with you or given that last question of yours such a silly answer?"
Oh look, I'm blushing again. "So... she's not mad at me?"
"Not at all," Dr. Panacea smiled.
"But what about the other thing, with the guard?" That guy looked all kinds of pissed.
"Ah yes, Captain Armor's little outburst," she said as she removed her glasses and wiped them on the hem of her scrubs. "First of all let me assure you; Celestia may run the country, but this med wing is my kingdom, and you are my patient. As long as you remain in my care, you are under my protection, and Faust help anypony that tries to hurt my patients.
"Furthermore, the Captain has been reprimanded by both Princess Celestia and myself for his actions. That kind of behavior is unbecoming of a stallion of his rank, and I've known him long enough to know that he was raised better than that. Believe me, you have nothing to fear from him so long as you don't intend to harm anypony while you are here."
I shook my head. "I don't like seeing people hurt, doctor. You don't have to worry about that."
"That's good to hear," the doctor said, placing the glasses back on her muzzle. "You know, I was told a small bit of what was said between you two after I had left yesterday."
I smiled sheepishly. "You did, huh?" I said as I scratched the back of my neck.
"Yes, indeed," she smirked. "I believe it was something about 'Captain Fido' having his head stuck up his own plot?" She gave me a look over the frames of her glasses and quirked an eyebrow.
"I may not like hurting people, doc, but I like bullies even less."
"Believe it or not, you and he share that sentiment," she responded. I didn't believe it. "You see, the good captain isn't normally that... abrasive."
"So he's normally all sunshine and bunnies?" I asked sarcastically.
"He has always taken his work very seriously, and has always been passionate about the guard, but-" There was a trio of sharp knocks at the door. "Ah," Dr. Panacea said, moving to open it, "that must be him now."
She opened the door, revealing the stone-faced guard that had wanted to knock my block off.
"Speak of the Devil," I said. Both Dr. Pan and Captain Fido looked at me quizzically. "Speak of the Devil, and the Devil shall appear," I explained. "It's a human saying."
"Fascinating," the doctor stated. "Now, Captain Armor, I believe you have something to say to our guest?"
Captain Fido moved forward to the foot of my bed and removed his helmet. He wasn't as tall as Celestia, but he was taller than me and in much better shape. He was built like a linebacker and had a square, arrogant jawline. His hair, which I had learned was actually called a mane, was multiple shades of electric blue. Ponies must have different regulations, because it was longer and shaggier than any human military would allow. His blue eyes held a look of resignation and his mouth was scrunched up as if he had eaten something sour. Obviously, whatever he had to say to me, he wouldn't like it.
"I came to apologize," he began, closing his eyes, "for my behavior yesterday. I was rude, hostile, and threatening towards you without provocation." He looked aside. "The reason behind this is because I recently experienced some... issues in my personal life, and they negatively affected my judgement on-duty," -he actually sounded sincere about that part- "causing me to believe that you were acting hostile and inappropriate towards the Princess. I ask that you... forgive me, and hope that we can both put this misunderstanding behind us."
I studied him for a moment, pondering something.
"They ordered you to say all that, didn't they?" I accused.
The way he blinked once and worked his jaw told me all I needed to know.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"Look," he said, gripping the bed's footboard, "I don't like you and you don't like me. I lost my head and acted rashly-"
"This is true," I cut in.
"-but that doesn't change the fact that you are a disrespectful punk-"
"This is also true." Hey, I have my moments.
"and I will not let the ponies I protect be endangered, by anyone or anything."
See, I can respect that. I can respect the need to keep the people you care about safe, even if the way you have to do it doesn't earn you any friends.
I still hate this guy's guts. You can respect someone and still despise them.
"Tell you what, Fido," I said, "you stay in your yard and I'll stay in mine, deal?"
He scowled at that. "I'll be watching you."
"Oh, so you're like the Warden Morgan to my Harry Dresden, huh?" I taunted with a reference I knew he wouldn't get. "Gonna keep expecting me to go all Darth Vader, no matter what I do?"
He placed his golden helmet back on his head, the plume on top was the same color as his mane. "If you ever hurt anypony..."
"Captain Armor!" Dr. Panacea warned.
"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Mr. Lawful-Stupid."
The Captain gave me a curious look at "lawful-stupid", then shook his head and turned to leave.
He... He didn't just recognize the phrase, did he?
...Nah. Ponies can't have tabletop gaming. That's just silly.
Doctor Panacea blocked the door and gave the Captain a baleful look. "Armor, you will not threaten patients in my infirmary again, or there will be Tartarus to pay, come time for your annual check-up," she threatened quietly. "Do I make myself clear?"
The big meathead gulped in fear of the shorter mare in front of him. "Yes, Surgeon General. It won't happen again, Ma'am."
"Good," she said simply and moved aside. Captain Armor hurried along and left without another word.
As she returned to the seat beside me, I had to stare at the older mare that had just threatened a fully grown stallion with such surgical precision that it made him cower in fear.
"Wow," I said finally. "Remind me to never get on your bad side."
"Yes, well," she smiled and blushed as she looked away. Strangely, when she blushed it only made her fur look a darker shade of blue. "He had been warned yesterday." She turned back to me with a reproachful look. "That said, he was apologizing; you didn't have to antagonize him like that."
I crossed my arms. "He's the one who brought his baggage to work," I huffed. "And besides, if he really wanted to apologize, he would have done it on his own, not because he was ordered to. But..." I sighed and leaned back, "I can get where he's coming from, though. If Princess Celestia asks, I'll tell her we made nice and agreed to stay out of each other's business."
"You intend to lie to the Princess?" Dr. Panacea questioned.
"It's not lying," I said defensively, "it's... selective information. Totally different."
The doctor deadpanned and rose an eyebrow.
"I intend to inform Celestia that Captain Armor apologized, I offered a deal wherein we limit our exposure to each other, and then he left. I will also refrain from mentioning that we were still at each other's throats. And then everybody's happy."
"Right," she said, obviously not buying it.
"So, uh," I said, looking to change the subject. "Surgeon General?"
Gracefully, she let the topic change instead of grilling me further. "Yes, my rank. As Surgeon General, I am not only the royal physician, but also head of the Equestrian military's Medic Corps."
My eyebrows shot up. "Wow. Go you. What do you mean 'Equestrian'?"
"Equestria is the name of the country, therefore it's military would be the 'Equestrian Armed Guard'."
"... Everything on this planet is named with puns, isn't it?" I deadpanned.
"Well..."
"... That's awesome," I smiled. I am a very silly man, sometimes.
"So... magic," I said as I munched on a tuna sandwich.
"Yes, Jack. Magic," Dr. Panacea sighed as she used the fork in her telekinetic grasp to pick away at a salad.
It was lunch now, and according to the doctor, ponies weren't the only civilized species on the planet Equus. It wasn't strange for the castle to host diplomats from a meat-eating species, so the kitchens were stocked for herbivores and carnivores alike, which meant that the food on hand was varied enough to suit my dietary needs as well.
The doctor and I had talked for a while about various things: the pony races, Greek myths, an embarrassing discussion on how our species' reproductive methods differed...
The usual things you'd discuss while eating.
Eventually my unanswered questions from yesterday came up. When I asked how my bandages had moved on their own, Dr. Pan had explained that unicorns possessed magic, and, after I had accused her of pulling my leg, had given me a small demonstration, levitating the tray both our meals had been brought in on.
Considering how casually I had seen the laws of physics be defied, I handled it pretty well.
A lot less "panic attack, part two" and a little more "holy crap, do it again".
Which brings us to now. "So you just, think about it, and then it happens?" I asked.
"It's much more complicated than that, but yes, essentially."
"And every unicorn can do it?"
"More or less," she responded.
"What do you mean?"
"Well," she began, "every unicorn learns telekinesis during adolescence, but most of the spells in their repertoire relate to their special talent."
"Meaning..."
"Meaning that most unicorns only know a handful of spells that connect to their cutie mark."
"Their what?" I said with a bemused expression.
"Their cutie mark," the doctor clarified. "It's an area of fur on either side of a pony's flanks that discolors via magical fluctuation during puberty. It resolves itself into a definite shape, usually after a pony has had some life-changing experience or revelation about herself. It's a custom for the pony's parents to then have an armband bearing their new cutie mark crafted for them, which is presented at a coming-of-age party called a 'cute-ceñera'."
She turned to present the simplistic band of light blue on the right arm of her lab coat. At its center was the emblem of a wooden staff with a snake curled around it, laying within a pink cartoon heart.
"I received this when I treated my little brother's snakebite with Viperwood resin when I was fifteen; it combated the venom long enough to get him to a hospital..."
"Isn't that the Rod of Asclepius?" I said to myself.
"Asclepius..." Dr. Panacea had apparently heard my musings. "You mentioned him earlier, yes?" She examined the band herself. "Greek god of medicine?"
I nodded. "And father of Panacea, goddess of universal remedy."
"How strange..." the doctor hummed.
"It's probably just a coincidence," I dismissed. "I mean, we're members of an entirely different species, from entirely different dimensions, and yet we just happen to breathe similar atmospheres, speak similar languages, and have similar species populating our worlds? Who's to say that this isn't just another little similarity?"
"You're most likely right," she said.
"Did you really save your brother's life when you were fifteen?"
"The doctors at Canterlot General saved his life. I just helped."
"Still, wish I was as cool at that age," I stated.
"Well that's very kind of you, young man," she chuckled, before her expression turned inquisitive. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask; how fast do humans usually heal? For example, how long does it usually take to repair a broken bone?"
I had to think about that. "I dunno, doc, I haven't needed to go to the hospital since my tonsils were removed. It varies, I guess? Six, seven weeks? Ten at the most? Why?"
"It's just that-" she set her empty salad bowl aside and reached for my chart "-when you were brought in here, you were in much worse condition than you are now. I had expected you to remain unconscious for at least a week, not three days."
"I've been out for three days?" I asked. She nodded. I am so fired.
"You had multiple partial fractures, severe internal and external bleeding, you still have a fractured skull, but beyond a slight bit of memory loss prior to the incident, you no longer have any symptoms of a concussion, whatsoever. We've gotten to the point where we're mostly just mitigating the pain as your body heals itself, now."
"You're just that good, maybe?" I offered weakly. Hearing how messed up I had been unnerved me.
"No matter how good I may be, nopony should heal that fast," she said.
"So what, I'm Wolverine now? I've got a regenerative healing factor or something?" I wondered if I would sprout claws next and start calling people "bub".
"If your healing factor was 'regenerative' you wouldn't be in here, would you?" the doctor chided. "Your ability to heal is only slightly accelerated, if anything."
"Okay, but why?" I asked. "This doesn't just happen right?"
"I have a theory," Dr. Panacea said, setting the chart down crisply. "Your species has no magic whatsoever; your world is entirely without it, correct?"
"Yes," I said, "but why does that matter?"
"Most of the procedures used to treat you were magical in nature. Princess Celestia herself aided in the spell necessary to repair the damage to your cranium. I believe that the magic-free environment you grew up in, combined with the massive quantities of magic used on you, caused your physiology to become more receptive to healing spells, and more efficient at repairing itself in general."
"So what you're saying is, I heal faster than most humans?"
She nodded. "And perhaps twice as fast as most ponies. But,-" she said sharply, "-I don't want to hear about you taking any brainless risks, understand?"
"Ma'am, yes, Ma'am," I said quickly, remembering the way she had cowed Captain Fido earlier.
"Very good," she smiled, then stood and dusted herself off. "Now, I'm afraid this is where we part for today. Duty calls."
"Uh, doctor?" I called as she turned to leave. "Do you think you could get me a book or something? I'll be a lot less likely to have another panic attack if I have something to distract myself with."
"I believe that a pair of books were found with you," Dr. Panacea said, "I can arrange to have them and the rest of your things sent to you, if Twilight can stop obsessing over them for more than two seconds."
"Thanks Doc Pan, I'd like that." I had no idea who "Twilight" was, but I assumed he or she was whoever they had placed in charge of examining my personal effects. I would take offense to that back on Earth, but I let it slide here.
Having my pockets rifled through was a lot better than waking up strapped to a dissection table.
"Alright Jack. Try to get some rest in the meantime."
"Way ahead of you," I said, setting my own empty plate aside and pulling the blankets over me to take a nap.
"... But flowers distilled, though they with winter meet,
Leese but their show, their substance still lives sweet."
When I awoke, a mare in a yellow sundress was sitting beside my bed reading from my copy of the Sonnets. I took a moment to study her. She was a unicorn with a white coat and a long pink mane that curled slightly at the ends. I cleared my throat to get her attention, and she turned to look at me with a familiar pair of purple eyes. Her features were soft, and held far fewer signs of age than Dr. Pan's had.
"Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," she said as she set the book aside. Her voice was gentle and friendly. "I was just returning your things and my curiosity got the better of me."
"No problem at all," I said. "Ms. Twilight, I presume?"
She smiled gently, the action seeming more natural to her than any other expression. "Not quite. My name's Sunny. Sunny Skies."
I shook the hand she offered. "Pleasure to meet you. So, how did you like it?" I asked as I nodded to the book. "I haven't read those yet."
Sunny touched the book's cover and smiled. "They're beautiful. Though, this 'Shakespeare' seems to focus quite a bit on the sun and summer, while using winter and the night as metaphors for age and ugliness."
"Winters in London four hundred years ago were difficult, I imagine. Especially at night. Still though, that's where Shakespeare and I disagree."
"Oh?" Sunny said, her eyes scrutinizing me.
"I like winter," I said proudly. "I like the cold, I like snow, I like being able to see my breath when I walk outside, I like winter holidays... I just like the season in general."
"And what of the night?" Sunny asked. By her expression, she was definitely searching for something.
"I don't know," I shrugged. "I used to stargaze sometimes, when I was little. I never took up astronomy, though; there's always been too much light pollution in the places I've lived. I still like to look at the moon though, especially when it's full."
Sunny gave a small, almost relieved smile. "I see. You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I ever asked what your name was."
I smirked. "Yes, you did. Did you forget already?"
"No," she frowned, "I never asked, and you never gave it to me."
"I told you my name yesterday."
Sunny quirked an eyebrow. "But I wasn't here yesterday."
And now, to test my theory. "I'm fairly certain you were... Princess."
'Sunny' blinked once. "I'm sorry?"
"I know it's you, Princess Celestia," I smiled.
'Sunny' pouted. "How did you figure it out?" she asked as she got up.
You don't act like a guard, you're not dressed like a nurse or doctor, and no one's that nonchalant talking to an alien for the first time.
"Lucky guess," I grinned. "But why?"
Sunny's horn glowed gold as she was enveloped in a soft white light. When it dissipated, Princess Celestia's taller, more intimidating figure stood in her place. She was wearing less finery today, just her crown and a golden band on her right arm. At the band's center was a large stylized sun made of a yellow diamond with a corona of orange fire opals.
"I was told about your episode earlier today. I thought you might feel less nervous speaking to 'Sunny Skies' than you would be speaking to 'Princess Celestia'," the princess said. "Was I wrong?"
"N-no, Your Highness," I stuttered.
"Well, then for now," -Celestia's horn glowed, the light returned, and Sunny Skies stood before me again- "how about we just talk like this?" she smiled and sat down again.
"Works for me," I said. Sunny was as tall as me, with a comfortably average figure, at least in comparison to the Princess's normal appearance. "So how does that work? It's magic, right?"
"Yep," Sunny nodded. "It's a collection of high-level illusion spells to alter the caster's voice and outward appearance. The rest is just good acting."
"Uh-huh," I said. "So, speaking of acting, I noticed that most of your regalia is missing today. Was all that jewelery yesterday just a show?"
"Yesterday evening was a national holiday, which means that as Princess I had to give a number of speeches and attend a dinner party hosted by Canterlot's nobility."
"So basically a lot of smiling and waving at folks with far too much money and ego?" I said playfully.
"They're not all bad," she defended.
"But..." I prompted.
"Okay, some of them can be a little silly," she giggled. "My duties for today are done, though, so I can dress a bit more casually."
Casual for where, the Oscars? "Right," I said simply. "Also, I noticed that trick from yesterday. Very clever."
Sunny looked puzzled at that. "What do you mean?" she said, her head tilted.
"The trick with the heart monitor and the questions while my eyes were still covered?" I said.
"Care to elaborate?" Sunny asked.
I took a breath. "You see, Princess, on my world we have something called a polygraph test. It's basically a machine that measures heart rate, temperature, respiration, things like that, and uses those readings to determine whether or not someone is lying. When you asked me my name and had me go over what happened, you were recording my responses when I told the truth. You used the medical equipment as a polygraph and had Dr. Panacea monitor my readings while we were talking. It's ingenious, really; you interrogate the strange alien being while staying in a non-hostile environment that reduces the risk of an international -or interdimensional- incident. Like I said, very clever," I finished.
The Princess-in-disguise held me in a pensive stare.
"Am I wrong?" I asked. "I'm not mad about it either way."
Finally, Sunny spoke again. "How did you come up with that theory?" she asked.
"Practical application of logic, reason, and paranoia," I answered. "I have a very active imagination."
"So you admit that you're paranoid?" she half-smirked.
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face." Wise words from a wise-ass wizard. "So? Right or wrong?"
"Right, actually," Sunny blushed and looked down. "I'm sorry for the deception, but you must understand-"
"It's cool," I said offhandedly. "I didn't wake up in a cell or something, so, Hakuna Matata." Great, now I'm going to have The Lion King in my head all day.
"You really aren't upset?" she asked, shocked.
"Nope," I said.
"... I see," Sunny smiled. "Now, speaking of forgiveness, was Captain Armor in to see you earlier?"
C'mon, Jack, poker face. "Yes, he was. In fact, he apologized for yesterday."
"That's good to hear."
"Yeah. We agreed to leave each other alone from now on."
"I see. Did anything else happen?"
Moment of truth. "No, not really," I said, smiling a bit too wide. "So, what happens when I get out of here? What do I do then?"
Sunny blinked once before answering. "Once you're well enough to be fully released, you'll be given one of the guest rooms reserved for diplomats and treated as a foreign dignitary. From then, we'll see," she said formally.
My eyebrows shot up. "Wait, me? A dignitary? I don't even know what a dignitary does."
"Oh, Jack," Sunny laughed, "don't worry so much. It just means you'll be given a small measure of diplomatic immunity. You won't be expected to actually do anything."
"Oh, thank God," I gasped.
"But," she said firmly, brandishing a finger at me "I had better not hear about you causing any trouble, understand?"
"Yes, Ma'am," I said, sitting perfectly straight and answering like a well-behaved child. It wasn't sarcasm, it was a knee-jerk reflex; I have no idea how she made me do that.
"Good. Now, two more things before I leave," she held up the box for the speaker I had unintentionally shoplifted. The safety device had been removed, and it looked like it had been opened. "Firstly, we've determined that this speaker can run on the same power as our technology, so you should have no problems using your music player."
"Awesome," I said as she handed me the box and my iPod.
"And lastly, once Dr. Panacea has cleared you, and if you're feeling up to it, there's someone I'd like you to come meet with me in a few days. I'm sure the two of you will have much in common."
"Sure, why not?" I shrugged.
Sunny smiled again and stood up. "Oh, one more thing. Can we keep this 'Sunny Skies' thing between the two of us? Please?" she looked sheepish.
I mimicked zipping my lips shut. "Your secret's safe with me."
"Thank you, Jack. See you again soon," Sunny said as she walked to the door. The light returned for a split-second, and then Celestia exited.
I watched her until she left. When she was gone, I took a deep breath, then exhaled. "... She do," I said resignedly, ashamed of myself.
I looked over the items Celestia had brought me. My wallet and car keys were useless now; I set them aside. Next to them I placed my comb and my sunglasses, which by some miracle were completely undamaged. I checked my phone- zero reception, no surprise there, but at least it had some games if I got that desperate. I made sure to turn it off since I had left the charger in a parallel universe, then set it aside along with my copy of Hamlet.
With the last three items still in front of me, I quickly unboxed the speaker and plugged it into a conveniently placed wall socket. It was an awkward fit, but the plug stayed in the wall and the speaker lit up. I attached my iPod to it and hit random. As Rodrigo y Gabriela's "Ixtapa" came forth from the speaker base in crystal clarity, I laid back and let the sound of Spanish guitars wash over me. Ahh, I thought, Much better.
After a moment of musical meditation, I picked up the Sonnets and began to read.