//------------------------------// // Looked After, Looked For // Story: The Third Diary // by Nameless Narrator //------------------------------// "Hey, mister patient!" a careful but firm female voice comes from behind the metal door of my room in the 'asylum', "Are ya awake?" What could imaginary Chokey want? Sitting up on the bed, I have to grip the side to stop the world spinning around. I must admit the talons have their uses even though they still suck compared to hooves. "Com-" My attempt to stand up ends with me crumbling on the floor. "-nngh!" The noise must have tipped her off something is wrong because the door clicks and, key still in her mouth, nurse Chokey rushes to me. Damn. I've had so little time during my last awakening to look at her. The dark red mane flowing on one side of her head while punkishly shaved on the other, the tail of the same color braided into a thin strand giving everypony a free look at her everything, the worried red eyes boring into me - all those red accessories contrasting with her charcoal black coat... everything grabs my attention by its neck and yells at me what I gave up. The white jacket with red cross and the VERY unofficially short skirt are just the frosting on the cake. "Are ya okay?" a pair of black hooves assists me in my attempt to at least sit up. "Sorry, just... feeling weak," I have trouble keeping my eyes open despite just waking up. *Sniff sniff* "Yeah, the air seems heavy and stuffy. Fortunately for ya, I've got something that might help," she pulls a piece of paper out of her jacket and waves it in front of my face. Even in my best shape I wouldn't have been able to read the passing blur but now, with my eyes completely screwed up, I don't even focus on it. "All I see is the most beautiful pony that has ever graced this world," I mumble weakly. The warmth of her body propping me up is enough to clear my head a little and lighten what feels like entire world crushing me. "Then why didn't you ever say it when you had the chance?" "What?" I twitch. "I said 'that is so nice of you'," she ruffles my mane, "As for the paper, it's a form allowing you to go outside while accompanied by me or one of the wardens." "Any idea why I feel so bad? Last time I was fine. Dizzy, but fine." To be frank, the transition from the shower room back here sucked. One second I'm being hosed down with icy water, a moment later the same frozen feeling wakes me up in my bed feeling as if I've slept for a week... badly. "I'm sorry, I just do what the head psychiatrist says. Perhaps he'll know what's wrong. Are you feeling well enough to let me wheel you out?" "Wheel?" "I've got a wheelchair outside. I though ya'd be happy to go out even for a while after being locked here for who knows how long." "You don't know?" "Well, ya know how it goes. Ya get used to the routine and have no idea what day of the week it is." Or you just do what Mistake tells you to and when he's done with you he sends you back from wherever you came. Some dark corner of my head no doubt. Speak of the devil himself, I'm not sure about him. I mean, I have no reason to distrust him after all he's done for me but a piece of myself that can override my own choices is something to be worried about, at least a little. I doubt he'd do anything to hurt me, don't get me wrong, but we seem to have a fairly different definition of 'good for me'. My biggest problem is that he's right a lot of the time. "Don't worry about it - urk!" I push myself up, "Can you- damn- can you grab the wheelchair before I kiss the floor again?" "Oh! Right!" my beloved batpony runs outside where the clinking of moving machinery comes immediately after. "Thanks," I slump on the chair and Chokey pushes me out of the room. "Good morning!" 'warden' Cromach joins us for a moment, "It's nice and fresh outside. It'll do you good." "You hosing me with ice water can't have helped," I grumble, "The only thing you should be hosing me with is... nevermind, to you it probably didn't happen anyway. " Cromach doesn't even blink at that remark. This place apparently has its own rules which I don't know. My one and only real guide should, though. As we clear the asylum entrance and enter the gardens the sight of greenery sharply contrasting with the grey city outside of the walls marking the border of this place of rest. "Mistake!" I shout as loudly as I can, which isn't much considering I can barely croak. "You don't like being outside? It has to be better than the room," the black unicorn answers, slipping out of a tree shadow where I'm positive he wasn't a second ago. "Two questions! Why do I feel as if I've been chewed up by a cow and why do the shades in my head seem to ignore when I say something inappropriate." "The second one is simple - they react to what they need to. You calling them shades is very close to the truth. There is some personality your unconscious might have given them which you consciously didn't notice or allow yourself to notice." "Allow myself?" "Really? Do you really think that in your self-loathing state you'd let yourself see how much they truly cared for you?" "One left me because I LOOKED different from what he wanted, the other left me because she cheated on me and didn't want to look at me because it made her feel guilty." He shakes his head. "You still don't understand. Why do you think their reflections here act as if no such thing happened?" "Because you control them and use them to do what you want?" I shoot. Mistake leans back and blinks for a while before recovering. "You give me way too much credit." Riiiight, because they obey HIM completely, not me. "Any guess why I feel worse than before?" I return to the previous concern even though I'm getting a feeling that I know. Mistake doesn't want to die which is what my choice would mean for both of us. He's gained too much power and self-awareness and now he thinks I'm a threat, that has to be it. On the other hoof, breathing the fresh air out here in the garden and looking at the steel-grey sky makes the crushing weight of everything less of an issue. "Perhaps it has got nothing to do with you as such?" "You lost me there." "Well, you aren't alive, technically... yet. The resurrection is still going on. Even a god like Harmony has to jump some serious hoops to get a soul refusing to return back to the world of living." "What could be stopping one of the most powerful beings in existence?" "A different source of divine power." "Void," I breathe out, "He protects the departing souls from necromancy." "Yes. Unfortunately, you not wanting to rise again is giving Harmony a lot of trouble and making the process take a long time. As far as I know at least a month has passed already in the real world." "So I'm not alive yet and Void is protecting me. Probably not specifically me, especially after what I did to him, but his blanket protection is on my side. Which means..." "Hm?" Mistake raises an eyebrow. "Nothing." Which means the resurrection can be stopped, possibly even from here. More of a reason to think Mistake wants me weak and unable to do anything about it. "Do you want to go to the city?" Mistake asks. "I'm not being held here?" I mumble. "Not 'held' but 'kept safe'. There are things outside that might find you useful and tasty. Void isn't protecting souls just from unicorn necromancers and zebra voodoo. There are old creations of Discord and Nightmare roaming the space between worlds and making use of the unprotected." "How do you know all that when I don't?" "You absorbed the power of all three gods and their knowledge with it. A mortal mind isn't meant to withstand that. To protect you from going insane and losing yourself in so much information I shouldered most of it. You get connections and little bits here and there when you see or hear something unknown." "So you know everything?" "Heck no. I'm just like you only, well, not suicidal. I know a lot more in a direct fashion but most of what we knew is locked in our unconscious until we need it." Keeping information out of my reach, eh? Well, if I'm in my head AND I have some sort of access to an unlimited source of information then I might be able to find out how to stop this and finally rest in peace. "So, can I go outside?" "You tell me. How do you feel?" "Weak as a newborn kitten but Chokey can keep me company, can't she?" "Sure, just be careful." "What's the worst thing that could happen?" He thinks for a moment. "Welllll, last time Luna was here she got attacked by a fragment of the Nightmare whose power you stole. This place isn't exactly the friendliest holiday resort one can visit. Plus, since you are in some weird half-existence what I said earlier applies even to you. Things that look for lost souls can find and make use of you. Not just eat you, nooooo. They can suck you dry, break through to the real world while wearing your skin, and... spread. I personally think you should stay here until the resurrection is over." I bet he does. "I'm shaking already. Well, I would be if I had any energy to move. Chokey!" she looks at me as I call her and point towards a large gate leading out of the asylum premises, "Roll out!" Mistake must be overreacting. This is my mind so I should have the ultimate power here. That, or he really has some ulterior motive. What could it be though? The longer I'm here the weaker I feel so probably something along the lines of weakening me enough and taking over my body after reviving? I don't know, I really don't. On one hoof, he's never seemed to have much interest in the outside world. On the other, he's never really had a chance to do this before. Oh well, if I get worse I'll know I was right and have to act and if I'm too weak by then then what do I really have to lose? I don't want to return to the cold place called my life. Perhaps it would be better to just disappear and let him take over. He could make new friends, better ones. He probably wouldn't do so badly either, definitely at least better than I did. *Siiigh* "Something bothering ya?" Chokey asks as the only sound in this place is the wheels of the wheelchair crushing some gravel on the concrete road. "Just thinking about the real you out there, about the time I still believed it was worth to keep trying." "If ya don't ya get bored. Boredom sucks. Simple enough." "Can't you ever take things seriously?!" She reels back at my outburst but continues to push the wheelchair through the streets of broken Manehattan. My raised voice is lost in the jungle of rubble and skyscrapers broken in half. "Sorry," she mumbles. Great! Just great! Now, looking at her ears splayed back and her eyes focused firmly on the ground, I want Mistake to take over as soon as possible. Come to think of it, it's always been like - her trying to cheer me up, me being way too serious about everything. The problem is that things aren't usually as simple as she makes them to be. Neither they are as bad as I make them to be, at least I learned that one important lesson. *Sighing intensifies* "No, I should be apologizing. For everything, mostly. I just react badly every single time something unexpected happens. When I have time to think about it I realize it was bad and I have to fix the damage my stupidity caused." Whether it's the admission or the outside air I'm feeling strength return to my limbs. "Aw come on, ya aren't THAT bad." "Unfortunately, reality says otherwise. It's not as awful as I make it to be. I just wish I could skip the apologizing step and just not mess up in the first place." "Hey, ya have always said that ya should turn your weakness into strength. If ya think about it ya have way more chances to improve yourself than other ponies." "Heh," I snort, hiding a shocked chuckle, "That's a way to think about it, certainly. Unfortunately, I'd need more than one lifetime of that to make me at least go even with any normal pony." "Good thing ya keep rising from the dead then, eh?" "Heavens above, how I miss you, Chokey!" What's stopping you from seeing me again? She is. Our past actions are. "Huh?" I turn my head at her surprised voice just to see her looking around, "Have we been outside THAT long?" The steel grey clouds above us are still moving at the same pace but the shadows around us are rapidly getting darker. It is completely plausible that my current resurrection is messing with my head and the entire landscape inside. On the other hoof, when were things ever easy for me? *Siiiiiiiiiigh* "You know... sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I wasn't right EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME!" The rush of adrenaline is enough to wash away my exhaustion and I jump out of the wheelchair. Focus, something to deal with is what I needed. On cue, black smoke pours out of the windows of shattered buildings all around. Whether it's some sort of monstrosity looking for me or Mistake's creation designed to destroy my personality I don't care. All I see is an enemy, a riddle to solve. If I can't punch it I have to run away until I can. At least one thing is simple - there's only one way to run. Am I being led somewhere? Maybe. Do I care? Not really. Is it faster than a running pony? Of course. A crossroad. Broken traffic lights hanging from bent steel poles. Smoke behind us. Breath sticking in my throat. The trotting of Chokey's hooves by my side. Pure joy. Question numero uno - how do we get back to the asylum? Question numero dos - do I want to get back? Question numero I don't speak said language - will there be cake? With just one glance behind me I see the entire street is blocked by wall of darkness getting closer and crushing rubble along the way. Here comes clue number one - crunching pieces of concrete slows it down albeit just by a tiny bit. Solution appears - take to any of the streets perpendicular to this one and try to go around through a partially standing building. That could give the darkness something to munch on while granting us some time. Any better idea? Nope. And so we flee to the left. I could have taken the right path but I'm just trying to be thematic. "Chokey-haaah-got any-haah-ideas?" I croak, galloping between overturned carts and avoiding trash cans strewn all over the street. "RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" she keeps to my side. Knowing full well that she's way faster than me I'm grateful for that but can't resist making a little jab. "Heh, thought so." "I'M NOT DUMB!" "Never-hah-said-hah-that-hah-and never-hah-will. Atleastnotinfrontofyou." "Love ya too, dummy. Oh hey," she grins as she looks behind her and gets easily in front of me, "it's getting closer." "LEFT!" I yell at her and she turns at almost right angle, "MALL!" The malls in Manehattan are large complexes with a long central hall leading through it on sides of which there are various stores, large and small. Ignoring the decorative greenery, potted plants, and benches, I try to keep up with Chokey. Of course... nothing could be easy. There's a crack in the floor leading down into the cellar and the depths of the sewer system. It's too wide for me to jump across and I still have no feeling in my new wings. Thankfully, my claws are really good at gripping so when Chokey says- "Jump on my back!" -I gladly obey. "Right here and now, you dirty-minded bat?" "Oh shut up!" she groans. The problem is that I'm heavier than ever before. My hippogriff form is bigger, although not by a lot, and I seem to have gained weight without my guard training. Chokey's never been strong anyway which drastically hampers her speed. The few pony lengths may as well take eternity, especially after such a long run, and chewing through the mass of concrete, steel, and glass is slowing the black mist far less than I thought it would. It gets close enough and its destruction makes a loadbearing wall crumble. I manage to jump from Chokey's back to the other end of the gap. My movement pushes her down, however, and I hear a wet slap from behind followed by one of my hind legs being dragged back into the tear in the floor. A piece of rubble must have hit Chokey as she's now hanging by my leg with her hooves slipping before my eyes and one wing completely limp. She's either just a construct of my imagination or Mistake's creation he's been using to manipulate me. I could easily shake her off and run. She would want it and I have no doubt she'd reappear back in the asylum. Surely... Probably... Maybe...? That's why I ignore the pain in my sides and pull my leg up. Bending like a pretzel, I catch a glimpse of her resigned look right before my talons grab her hoof and I heave. Slipping on the dusty floor, I pull her up. "What? Are ya stupid?" she slaps me weakly with her hoof before we instinctively run again. Even this tired we can outrun the darkness while it has to demolish the mall. "I couldn't just leave you, you idiot!" I yell, disbelieving my actions need explaining. "Why? You hate me!" "WHAAAAAAAT?!" I screech and stumble over a piece of broken pillar. Focuuuuus! Running again, we clear the other exit of the mall and I see the high walls of the asylum gardens on the horizon. I also realize I know my surroundings. Of course the asylum wouldn't be far away from THAT. Mistake wouldn't create a fortress far away from the little piece of sanity I built in this place. The exit leads to a destroyed city square far smaller than the major ones but much less derelict. There is no rubble strewn around, there are no deep scars leading to the depths of the sewers, there is only a small brown tent with a campfire inexplicably still burning. The campsite I built. I stop here and so does Chokey. "Eeeerm?" she looks at me, eyes wide and breathing raggedly. I realize the asylum is unimportant, that the entire city is unimportant. This is the only place worth protecting right now. The one and only result of me finally fixing the mess I made of my life. Something which would be impossible without Mistake. If I don't have power here then I don't have power anywhere. "Mistake!" I call out. The black mist surrounds the clearing and is stopped by an invisible dome, the flames of the campfire get weaker, and the black unicorn appears, blue mane moving in the rising wind. "Glad you're safe," he smiles, "but I'm not sure how long that's gonna last." "I need to sort something out and I need you and the others for it," Mistake raises an eyebrow and Cromach appears, followed by Heavy. Chokey's comment cut deeper than any insult could have but it brought a little clarity with it. I need to know something, "Do all of you think I hate you?" "Well duh!" Chokey waves her hoof around, "I know I deserve it for cheating on you and taking time off for myself so I didn't have to feel guilty." "Yes, you have a good reason to," Cromach looks at the ground for a moment, "I turned on you when you needed me the most. Without my selfishness you would have still been alive and, hopefully, sleeping next to me. I was so quick to believe what the others said about you that I didn't even bother trying to find out the truth from you." Heavy looks straight at me. "You hate me because I am everything you've ever wanted to be but never had the strength or courage to become." Every single confession is like a spike through my chest but none of them hurt more than what Mistake mumbles while looking at me through tearing up eyes. "You... actually believed this," he points at the black storm raging outside of our little flickering dome of peace and safety, "was my doing. I failed you. I wasn't good enough to make you believe in me so I'm not going to stop or try to persuade you anymore. You were right all along. Well, not in me doing this to get rid of you but... you know what I mean." Aside from Mistake all of them are what 'I' believe them to be. Is this really what I think? AM I THAT STUPID?! "I do have a habit of seeing the worst in everything and letting it get to me, don't I?" I smile sadly, "No, guys, I don't hate any of you. You are the biggest blessing I could have gotten and I didn't appreciate you because I was selfish. Mistake got it right." The unicorn in question looks up, eyes wide. Taking a deep breath, I return to the old days of me just being an emotionally unstable young colt who got at least one thing right. A mirror appears, showing a bronze hippogriff. "I hate YOU, you insecure trash! You didn't give Chokey a chance to recover from feeling pretty awful while staying your friend, possibly with benefits, ehm. Yeah, you had a good reason but you had an even better reason to stay with her and the reason was THAT SHE NEEDED YOU! That's the ONLY thing that should have mattered to you. You used to be like that once but somewhere, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE, you started thinking you were WORTH MORE for some reason! You saved the world just for her, after all." I look at Cromach and then back at my reflection. "You didn't treat him much better, did you? You suspected that Nightmare had something to do with his acts in Golden Sands but instead of letting him explain you tried to avoid him in case you were wrong. You were weak and terrified of the truth and, honestly, you still are. You made Heavy promise he wouldn't let him talk you out of getting blasted by the Elements and you took the 'easy' way out instead of just... being a stallion for once." The mirror shatters and I turn to the white stallion. "Heavy, you are the only one at least partially right. I can't ever become as good as you. You are... one in a billion." He hangs his head. "What I can do is look at you and with every look see what I can improve. You are the straightest, sorry for the joke, the kindest, and the most loyal pony I know. I distanced myself from you because I was jealous of Cross stealing you away. Just like with Chokey I screwed up and thought that just because you weren't at my side all the time you would never again be." The three of them disappear. "Mistake, do you really think I can forgive myself for all that?" "Of course you can," Mistake smiles exhaustedly, "You always do the right thing... eventually... in the end... when there's no other option." "All right then. I have a job for you." He looks around at the shield shaking under the pressure of the black mist. "Is this the right time and place?" "Yes. You will remember this and REPEAT it to me whenever needed! I will keep fixing everything I broke. I will not seek death again, it will come if I fail anyway. I will keep going until I make everything right or until I mess up so bad there is nopony left believing in me. Every day, shard after shard, no matter how slowly, I will keep going. That is my punishment and, at the same time, hope." I don't need to ask Mistake if he understood. Oh, how easy would it be to just end it here. Looking at the dying campfire, I know all I would have to do to finally rest in peace is douse the rapidly cooling embers. The tent, the piece of life I put together, is my destination. *Crack* The world shakes and cracks run through the protective dome around the clearing. "Bite me!" I give the swirling mist around one final glance, open the tent flap, and step into the glowing whiteness inside.