Chapter XI
On Thinking
Another night at the club. Vinyl was going through the motions, working the DJ booth and shouting to the crowd at all the right moments. The rhythmic beats pounded in her ears with the pounding hooves of ponies who crowded the building. Her head bobbed to the sound and her mane burned like a brilliant blue flame under the strobe lights. The crowds’ colors were blending into a chaotic mish mash of hues behind the purple tint of her glasses.
It was so loud that she couldn’t hear herself think, much less Bouncing’s shouting into her ear. She did her best to ignore him, shaking her tail and grinning as wave after audio wave vibrated through her being. When he tapped her shoulder, she pretended not to notice. There was too much fun to be had this night, and she wasn’t about to let him rain on her—
The headphones floated off her head. “Hey, Equestria to Vinyl!”
She groaned and tried to grasp the headphones back in her magic. “C’mon, Bouncing, just a few more songs.” Even without the headphones, she had to shout to hear herself.
“You’re already an hour past your shift,” he shouted back. “Your coltfriend’s been waiting all this time for you.”
“He has?” She looked to the bar and saw Flash watching her. An unpleasant anxiousness made her flinch. “Dang, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried.” Bouncing shoved her off the bench. “So did Velvet. Flash is too much of a pansy to do it himself.” He took her place and waved her off. “Go on, git. This my show now!”
“Yeah, yeah.” She marched off the platform. There was a strong temptation to slip into the crowd of dancing ponies, knowing that Flash wouldn't be able to catch her once she was inside. For whatever reason, she steeled herself and went straight to him. “Hey, Bolt Butt. Ain’t you supposed to be guarding some dusty hallway or something?”
Flash peered at her. “If you’d remember our talk from yesterday, you’d know that I’m off tonight.”
She blinked a few times and leaned back, then slapped a hoof to her face. Step by step, she just had to go through the motions. “That’s today? Crap, I totally forgot!”
“Obviously.” Flash sighed and gestured to Velvet. “Guess you want your drink for the night, huh?”
“As always.” Vinyl hopped onto the stool beside him. She forced herself to lean over to nuzzle his shoulder. “Hey, I’m really sorry, okay? I know you wanted to hang and all, but we’ve got all night!”
He huffed over his half-empty bottle. “You seem far more interested in your beats than hanging out with me.”
“Aww, did I hurt his widdle feelings?” Vinyl whacked him on the shoulder. “C’mon, soldier, you’re tougher than that. Hey, V, gimme a Monkey Buck!”
“One kick in the teeth, comin’ right up.”
Things were quiet for a little while, or at least as quiet as a filled-to-capacity nightclub could be. Vinyl watched the dancing crowds, her head bobbing to the beat and a grin on her face. “Say, why don’t I ever see you on the dance floor, Bolt Butt?”
Flash was studying his drink. “It’s not really my kind of dancing.”
“Oh, really?” She leaned over and scanned him from over the rim of her glasses. “What, you like that slow dancing gunk?”
He blushed, but didn’t smile. “I never tried dancing, actually.”
“What?” Vinyl downed her glass and hopped off her stool, her anxiety long gone. “C’mon, that’s something we gotta remedy right now!”
“Oh, Goddess…” He tugged his elbow from her grip. “No thank you. I have no intention of looking like a moron.”
“You’re not getting out of it that easy,” Vinyl said with a smirk. She moved in to wrap both forelegs around his shoulders and tugged. “Come on!”
He grabbed her hooves and easily pulled them away before shooting her a dark look over his shoulder. “Not a chance in Tartarus.”
“You’re no fun.” She pouted and slapped him weakly on the back. “I’m just trying to lighten your mood. What’s really eating you, anyway?” Flash huffed and turned back to his drink. “What, you’re not gonna tell me?”
“I want to, but I think you’ll either ignore me or change topics.”
She wanted to be thrilled, but all she felt was empty. “Whoa, whoa, waitaminute!” She climbed back onto her stool and peered at him. “Since when do I ignore you?”
He took a sip from his bottle. “You’ve been doing it more and more over the past six months. I’m getting tired of it.”
“I haven’t been ignoring you,” she snapped, shoving down the affirmation in the back of her mind. “I’m a busy mare! My new album comes out next week, I had to do advertising and crap like that, on top of my regular job. Let’s not forget Adi. Do you know what it takes to—”
“Just stop it, okay?” Flash slapped some coins to the counter and stood. “If you don’t wanna hang out with me anymore, just say so.”
Vinyl could only stare as he marched for the exit, her mind rendered blank. She looked around the club at the dancing ponies, then to Bouncing at the turntable. Why did she suddenly feel like throwing up? With a scowl, she turned back to her drink. “What’s his bucking problem, anyway?” She waved at Velvet. “Gimme another.”
Velvet, who was running back and forth handling her customers, shot Vinyl a scowl. “Not a chance.”
“What?” Vinyl leaned over the counter to watch as Velvet hurriedly poured some fresh drinks. “I might be an employee, but I’m still paying for drinks. I think ya kinda have to give me something.”
Velvet darted past, hoofed over the drinks to the appropriate clients and came flying back. As she passed Vinyl, she shouted over the din, “You’re not drowning your sorrows in booze this time, Vinyl.”
Vinyl banged the counter with both hooves. “Dang it, V, it’s not my fault he suddenly decided to get all mopey!” Her eyes turned to follow Velvet as she hurried to another customer. “How the buck did you even have time to listen in on our conversation, anyway?”
“Barkeep secrets.” Velvet was back to filling up glasses. “You were supposed to clock out ages ago, anyway.”
“So what do ya want me to do, chase after him like some fanfilly?” Vinyl crossed her hooves and raised her muzzle high. “He’s got plenty of those, or so I’ve heard.”
Suddenly, Velvet’s muzzle was within inches of hers. “Let me tell you something that I’ve learned as a barkeep, Vinyl: I know how to recognize a downward spiral when it shows up pretending everything’s just fine. Flash isn’t the one with a problem, it’s you, and it’s been going on for months now!”
Vinyl leaned back, eyes going wide. “Me? What do I have to be worried about?”
“I don’t have a clue,” Velvet admitted. She thrust her hoof towards the exit. “I bet he does. I bet if you follow him right now and talk to him – really talk – you’ll figure it out as well. So you need to go, now.”
With a scowl, Vinyl leaned over the counter. “I don’t wanna. Now give me another.”
“Damn it, Vinyl!” Velvet struck the countertop. “You might have only one chance to get this right, and if you don’t you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. You know I’m right!”
“You gonna give me another Monkey Buck or not?”
Velvet snorted and stepped back. “Fix your own.” She went back to handling her customers.
Vinyl watched her for a while, glaring and trying to fight the sick feeling in her stomach. Her eyes turned to the bottles resting in the rack behind the counter. It wouldn’t take much to climb back there and make the drink. She growled and rose from her stool, but as she did she bumped the bottle Flash had left behind. It rocked wildly and she hurried to catch it in her magic before it could fall.
The bottle hovered before her face. It was the same kind of spirits Flash had downed so eagerly on the night they’d met. Now that she thought on it, he’d not drank this particular kind since then. Her eyes drifted to the door, then back to the bottle. His laughter echoed in the confines of her skull. She liked his laugh, it had a silly quality to it.
With a snarl, she set the bottle down with a bang and turned her attention back to the dancing crowds. Thinking, that’s all this was. Thinking was bad. She closed her eyes and focused on the beat…
His big blue eyes swam into her vision, with that little frown he got when things weren’t going his way. She grimaced; it was the ‘kicked puppy’ look she loved and hated in equal measure.
She let out a groan and stood. As she passed Velvet up on her way to the exit, she pointed at the bartender. “I hate it when you’re right!” She hurried on before Velvet would have the chance to smirk.
Vinyl grabbed her coat from the closet by the door, grimacing at the realization that it was the very one Flash had bought her a couple months ago. She prepared herself for a hurried rush to the castle. Instead, she jumped out into the cold winter air to find Flash sitting on the sidewalk only a few steps away. His head hung low and he appeared to be muttering to himself. The dark look in his eyes gave Vinyl pause, but steeled herself and went to sit down next to him.
“I thought you’d be halfway to the castle by now,” she grumbled.
Flash’s head jerked up, his eyes going wide. “Vinyl? You… what are you doing out here?”
“I wish I knew.” She pulled her coat a little tighter around herself and shivered. “For some stupid reason, I couldn’t let you walk off like that.”
Flash sighed and turned away. “I’m not interested in hearing any more excuses.”
She glowered at him, then started to walk down the street, tugging his ear with her magic. “C’mon, Bolt Butt. The sooner we start moving, the sooner we can get warm.”
He jerked his head out of her magical grasp. At first he remained still, but then he began to follow. They walked in silence, their hooves crunching in the thick blanket of snow. Vinyl made no attempt to look back at him; she was too busy trying to figure out what she had to say.
Flash caught up and studied her out of the corner of his eye. “Vinyl, what’s really going on?”
She sneered and turned her head away. “How the hay should I know?”
“You’ve been getting more and more isolated ever since that meeting with the princesses,” he said. “That was months ago. What happened?”
“‘Isolated?’” She cocked her head his way even as her stomach dropped out. “What do you mean, ‘isolated?’ Didn’t you see me rockin’ out in the club tonight?”
He huffed and stared at his hooves. “So you aren’t gonna talk, huh?”
Vinyl came to a stop. She watched him walk on, her heart twisting in the most unwelcome of ways. No matter how much she willed her legs to move, she seemed rooted to the spot. When he at last turned, she found she couldn’t meet his eyes, so she looked away to watch the snowfall.
When Flash finally spoke, it was with a tone of concern. “Vinyl… what’s wrong?”
Her chest was tight. She watched her sharp breaths rise as a pale fog before her muzzle. Luna’s words reverberated within her, like ice picks digging into her insides, but to remove them for him to see… She glanced his way and saw that look she loved and hated so much: the big, puppy dog eyes and that tiny frown. It was the first and last thing she needed to see.
She dropped to her haunches and wrapped herself in a tight hug. “I… I wanna be safe.”
Flash’s ears perked. He took a tentative step forward. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to think about it,” she muttered. “I mean, it’s dangerous, thinking. If you have to think, do you have to take responsibility? I’ve never been responsible for anything.”
“I see.” Flash approached and sat before her. “I think.”
“I’m not trying to avoid you, Flash.” She pulled her glasses off and set them atop her horn so she could look him in the eyes properly. “Well.., maybe. It’s just that… suddenly I became aware that this story might not have a happy ending, y’know? Luna asked me a question, but I don’t know the answer, and I don’t want to think about the answer.”
“So you drown yourself in work and music?” Flash shook his head. “That’s not going to solve anything.”
“I know,” she whispered. “It’s a distraction. I know it’s a distraction.” She stared at her hooves and chewed her lip. “I don’t want to think about it. If I think about it, it’ll be real and I’ll have to face it.”
“Face what?” Flash nuzzled her, and she pressed against him. “C’mon, Vinyl. Talk to me.”
She kept silent, burying her muzzle into his shoulder. They remained that way for a while, and Vinyl couldn’t help hoping that he’d take her in his embrace and make her feel better. He never did, though, and she stubbornly refused to be the one to initiate that level of contact. If only she didn’t feel so small.
At last, Flash sighed. “Vinyl, you have to take responsibility for… whatever it is.”
“No, I don’t,” she whispered. “If I hide long enough, it’ll go away.”
He stepped back, and when she looked up she winced at his hard expression. “That’s terrible, Vinyl. Your father would be disappointed if he heard you say that.”
Vinyl’s heart trembled, and the sensation brought a gasp from her lips. “Y-you… Don’t bring him into this!”
“Why not?” Flash sneered. “You kept going on and on about how much you appreciate him, how you want to be just like him. Isn’t that why you went so far for Adi in the first place? And now this.”
“Shut up!” She covered her ears and shook her head forcefully. “I’m not my father, okay? I can’t be that good!”
He pulled her legs down, easily resisting her struggling attempt to break free of his hold. “Yes, you can. I’ve been paying plenty of attention, Vinyl, and I know you can do whatever it takes if you put your mind to it. All you’ve got to do is buck up and face it.”
She shoved against him, but still he wouldn’t let go. “It’s not that simple! What if I fail, huh? What if Adi… if Adi…” Tears began to form in her eyes. She cursed and struggled to rub them away. “I’m too much like my stupid, lazy failure of a mom!”
“You are not a failure!”
“What do you know?!” She aimed her horn for the ground and released a simple bolt of energy, about the only defensive spell she knew. It sizzled the snow beneath Flash into a puddle before rapidly freezing. He slipped and collapsed to his barrel, and she took the opportunity to jerk free.
Flash stomped the ice and glared up at her. “You can’t run! The problem’s not going to go away, Vinyl.”
“I know,” she shouted as she galloped past him, “but that won’t stop me from trying!”
“Vinyl!” He slipped about on the ice. “You’re better than this, I know you are!”
She just kept running, icy tears streaming down her cheeks as she fled.
Vinyl trudged up the steps of Canterlot Castle’s tallest tower yet again. For once, she wasn’t looking forward to talking to Adi. She’d not touched her radio in three days, not since her argument with Flash. She hadn’t seen him in that time, either. Her hooves felt like lead and her heart had been aching. Even so, she kept cursing Flash’s name in the back of her mind, over and over again.
She’d been doing fine, hadn’t she? The work on her album, staying overtime at the club, it all served its purpose. Yet now she was thinking and couldn’t stop. Her thoughts passed over the usual suspects, from Adi to Flash to Luna and back to Adi. Again and again and again. If only it would stop. If only she wasn’t so scared.
The door to the Astronomy Room loomed over her. Vinyl crouched low and wondered if she might get away with turning around and marching back home. It was a foalish thought. It made her feel dumb. Yet it might be better than the alternative… right?
Vinyl shook her head frantically and slapped her cheeks a couple times. “Snap out of it, girl,” she snarled. “It’s just another brief meeting with Luna about trajectories and that other space junk. Nothing you haven’t done before, right?” She shivered and wished it had anything to do with the cold. Finally, she reached up and pushed through the door.
It took four steps for her to realize something was off. The windows of the circling balcony were covered in a magical barrier to keep out the cold, but that was nothing new for this time of year. The real issue was how she was alone. Except for special circumstances, Luna had always been there before her; the princess was nothing if not punctual. Wondering if something might be wrong, Vinyl slowly approached the usual table.
She paused upon realizing that the table was bare. What happened to the little white radio? A quick glance around revealed no sign of the device. “What the hay?”
“Oh, hello there.”
Vinyl nearly hit the ceiling, she’d jumped so high! She jerked about to find an unfamiliar sight: Princess Cadance. The princess was walking around the central column of the tower, a playful smile on her lips as she approached. “You must be Miss Scratch. It’s rather surprising we’ve not met before, don’t you think?”
“W-what? What are you doing here?” Vinyl took a couple steps towards Cadance, then remembered who she was talking to and hurriedly dropped to a bow. “S-sorry!”
Compared to Luna’s, Cadance’s laugh was far more… what word could Vinyl use to describe it? ‘Dainty’ came to mind. “It’s alright. I think you’re familiar enough with royalty at this point that we can forgo such formalities.”
“Oh, err, right.” Vinyl stood and blushed. “I didn’t know you were in Canterlot, your majesty.”
“It is a private visit,” Cadance said as she sat before Vinyl, at which time she noticed the princess was smaller than either Luna or Celestia. “It was not something the public needed to be privy to.”
“I see.” Vinyl glanced around room. “So why are you here? And where’s Luna? Err, Princess.”
Cadance smiled. It reminded Vinyl of a wolf on the prowl. “I’m sorry, but you just missed Aunt Luna. She got called to the throne room to handle some business with the Night Court.”
“Uh-huh.” Vinyl glanced back at the doorway; she certainly hadn’t seen the princess on the stairs. She looked to the table and wondered about the missing radio, then observed the open windows. Snow continued to fall beyond the magical barriers. “So she flew in the cold?”
“Come now, Miss Scratch,” Cadance said playfully as she trotted for the nearby table, “do you think a little cold will stop a princess from performing her duties with all due haste?”
Vinyl grimaced, but got the gist; she followed and sat at the table opposite Cadance. “I think I know a setup when I see one.”
Cadance then did something that caught Vinyl entirely off guard: she stuck her tongue out. “Ooh, you just don’t want to be any fun, do you? Half the entertainment is the trickery.”
“Wha…” Vinyl blinked, stared, blinked again. “You’re certainly not like Celestia and Luna, are you?”
Another laugh burst from Cadance. “No, I’m most certainly not! I’m more like Twilight, really, only far less bookish.”
“Huh.” Vinyl shifted and glanced around. “So… why are you really here, Princess?”
“Tut, tut.” Cadance wagged a hoof at Vinyl. “Straight to business. I thought you were supposed to be more entertaining than that, Miss Scratch.”
Vinyl crossed her hooves and peered. “I might be tempted to entertain more if I could be convinced Flash didn’t put you up to this.”
Cadance’s eyebrows rose. “Do you actually think Flash Sentry is creative enough to arrange this?”
“I—” Vinyl paused, torn between a desire to defend Flash and acknowledging the truth. She ended up tapping her hooves together in a sheepish display. “Well, he is a bit more practical than creative, I suppose. Plus he respects royalty so much that he’d have to be desperate to ask you for help.”
Cadance leaned forward, her lips curling up in a wicked smile. “So Flash needs help?”
“He doesn’t!” Vinyl barked a laugh to cover her far too quick response. “Not at all, no problems between us, nope. No help needed!”
That wry smile didn’t dissipate. Cadance rested an elbow to the table and leaned against her hoof. She never lost eye contact with Vinyl, who fidgeted under her gaze. They maintained something of a staring contest for the next several seconds, Cadance amused and Vinyl struggling not to bolt.
At last Vinyl raised her shaking hooves and let out a long growl. “Okay, fine! Just tell me who the buck put you up to this so I can strangle him!”
Cadance grinned and leaned back with a laugh. “Actually, that would be Luna.”
Vinyl’s jaw dropped and a weak sound drifted out her throat. She glanced at one raised hoof, then the other, then hurriedly put both down. “I, uh, take it back?”
“I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear that.”
“But… I don’t get it.” Vinyl brushed her mane back and set her glasses atop her horn. “How the hay does Luna know anything about my issues? Especially regarding Flash.”
Cadance raised an eyebrow. “Well, she is the Princess of the Night and, like it or not, you do dream.”
Vinyl blinked at her, then double-facehooved. “Oh, come on! You mean she’s been spying on my dreams? That’s just not fair.”
“Tough.” Cadance chuckled. “She’s royalty, so you’ll just have to suck it up. Now, why don’t we get started?”
“Wait.” Vinyl peered at her. “Did you really come all the way from the Crystal Empire just to talk to me about my love issues?”
“Actually, this visit has been planned for the better part of a month.” Cadance waved a dismissive hoof. “Luna simply decided to take advantage of my timely arrival. I certainly don’t mind; Flash has been something of a ‘special project’ for me.”
“That guy?” Vinyl cocked her head. “What makes him so special?”
Cadance raised her leg and, with a glint of her horn, Flash’s cutie mark appeared over her hoof as if it were on display. “I’ve never seen a stallion with so much bad luck regarding his relationships. The poor fellow’s had his heart broken over and over again, but he keeps searching. As the Princess of Love, I have to admire his dedication.”
Vinyl’s ears perked. “And since he was one of your bodyguards for a while, you’re very aware of those failures, right?”
“Unlike the Canterlot Royal Guard,” Cadance replied, “I encourage my guard to treat me ‘normally,’ if you will. I could sense Flash’s problems and encouraged him to open up, and when he did…” She shook her head with a small scowl, the cutie mark dissipating in a puff of pink smoke. “Wow, what a story it was. That colt has the worst luck when it comes to mares.”
“So what? Are you gonna tell me I have to go—” Vinyl set her hooves under her chin and puckered her lips, “—kissy kissy and make him feel better? Pu-lease, I’m not that kind of mare.”
Cadance smirked. “I can see that.”
“Look, Princess.” Vinyl spread her hooves wide and shrugged. “It’s great you’re trying to look out for him and all, but you can’t just tell me to be all snuggly with Flash. I’m pretty sure that’s not what he needs.”
“You misunderstand my intentions, Miss Scratch.” Cadance’s smile dropped. “Flash knows what he needs. He’s finally found it. You are the one who needs help.”
“Me?” Vinyl burst out laughing. “That’s rich! I’m perfectly happy, and I don’t need to hang off of some adorkable colt to prove it!”
“Then why did you skip out on talking to Adi three nights in a row?”
Vinyl’s laughter was cut short as a ball of ice lodged in her chest. She tried to melt it with anger. “First of all, that has nothing to do with Flash! Second, how do you even know about that?”
Cadance raised one hoof. “First, it has plenty to do with Flash.” She raised her other hoof. “Second, because Adi told us.”
A growl rose from Vinyl’s throat. She crossed her hooves once more and hunched. “Darn that girl. Aren’t there a few other ponies she can talk to instead of getting worried about me?”
“But she is worried about you,” Cadance pressed. “In the past, you always let her know when you wouldn’t be available at your usual time to talk to her. This sudden change in behavior alarmed her, Vinyl, but Luna suspects there’s nothing ‘sudden’ about it. Seeing your behavior now, I’m tempted to agree.”
“So what now?” Vinyl slapped the table. “You want me to lie down and talk about how I hated my mom? Maybe get all psychobabbly on my dreams?”
Cadance’s face betrayed no emotion. “I want you to confess that you are scared.”
“I am not scared!” Vinyl leaped to her hooves and glared. “Vinyl Scratch is never afraid, you got me? What do I have to be afraid of?”
“How about failure?”
Vinyl’s eye twitched and the air fled from her lungs. She worked her lips soundlessly, struggling for some kind of counter. “I… Y-you… You got me all w-wrong.”
“Do I?” Cadance leaned forward, her eyes peering. “Do you really believe that?”
“I…” Vinyl fidgeted and hung her head. Why couldn’t she stay angry? What was wrong with her?
“I’m giving you a choice, Vinyl.” Cadance sat up straight and ignited her horn. The door to the stairs opened at her command. “You can run away right now and keep seeing your father in your dreams. Nopony will stop you, and Luna won’t call on you for help with Adi anymore. Flash may keep trying, but you and I both know that he’ll have to give up eventually.”
Vinyl stared at the door, her stomach tied in knots. Part of her wanted to take the offer and bolt, but the other… “W-what’s option number two?”
“You sit down,” Cadance said, “and talk to me. Really talk.”
“I see.” Vinyl looked to the princess, then to the door. She chewed her lip and fidgeted. Oh, how easy it would be to go and forget everything. Yet her father’s disappointment continued to stare her down, driving her heart into her hooves. She glanced at Cadance out of the corner of her eye. “Can you… can you promise me that things will go well?”
Solemnly, Cadance shook her head.
Another twist of the guts. Vinyl took her breaths in slow gasps, her mind running through all the events of the past two years. Adi’s sobs, countless hours of radio chatter, Flash being the lovably dumb stallion he always was. Luna’s words clung to her heart like cold talons, though, and she kept seeing that same dream, the one with a radio that was always silent and her father looking so upset.
Finally, though it required all the force she could apply to her legs, she managed to turn and sit at the table. She sagged over it, listening intently to the slow, unsteady rhythm of her heart. “Let’s get this over with.”
Cadance’s smile came back in its full splendor. “You’ve made a wise choice, Vinyl. I know it was a hard one.”
“No you don’t,” Vinyl grumbled. “You don’t know a thing about me.”
“I knew enough to convince you to sit with me.”
“And why is it you, anyway?” Vinyl cast an uncertain look Cadance’s way. “Why not Luna?”
Cadance’s smile grew warm. “Because the burden you’re facing is a matter of love.”
Vinyl huffed and turned her face away. “Love. Where do you see love in this picture?”
“You love Adi.”
“What?” Vinyl blinked and turned back to her. “No I don’t. What do you think I am, a foolin’ filly?”
“There are many kinds of love, Miss Scratch,” Cadance replied, “and they are all painful to lose.” When Vinyl refused to answer to that, she leaned forward. “Why don’t you tell me what really scares you?”
The word made her bristle, but Vinyl fought down the urge to snap. She knew she had to talk to Princess Cadance, there was really no alternative. This demon had to be brought low… somehow. She rubbed her mane back and gritted her teeth, all but clawing the words from their hiding place in her throat. “I’m scared of… of thinking.”
“Ah.” Cadance nodded and pressed her hooves together with a frown. “A dangerous pastime.”
“I know.” Vinyl bowed her head. “Believe me, I know.”
“Is this why you’re avoiding Adi and pushing Flash away?”
Once again, Vinyl had to bite her tongue to keep from lashing out. She gave herself a few seconds to steady her breathing and calm her mind before saying, “It’s a big part of it.”
Cadance gestured invitingly. “Tell me more.”
“I guess I have to at this point, huh?” Vinyl crossed her hooves and sulked. “Fine, but it’s stupid. Everypony expects me to… I don’t know, do the right thing? I guess. They want me to hold Adi’s hoof and tell her everything’s going turn up daisies, but I don’t have any control over that.”
Her words came faster as her emotions picked up steam. “Twilight said that her best guess is a fifty-fifty chance of Adi making it to Equestria alive. That’s a coin toss! And that assumes the tests from the other meteorology sites can confirm her results, which nopony can guarantee. The odds could be worse! What do they want me to do, lie?”
She slammed both hooves to the table and glared at the princess, who didn’t even flinch. “They want me to sit in front of the radio and tell Adi that everything’s going to be safe and happy and glorious and good when we both know that might not be true! What kind of responsibility is that? And the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything I’m doing is pointless. Pretty words don’t make up for death!”
Vinyl sat back and clutched her head, baring her teeth. “I’m thinking about it, Goddess be damned. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want anything to do with it. What if Adi comes all this way just to die in the home stretch? There are so many bucking impossible things happening around her, things that can’t be explained. It would be the perfect time for her outrageous luck to run out and I don’t want to be there!”
She huffed in place for a few seconds, her blood pounding in her ears and her hooves trembling. Slowly, she forced them down to the table and focused on calming herself.
“Tell me this, Vinyl,” Cadance said, her voice gentle, “do you think the pain will be any more bearable if you choose to abandon this now?”
Vinyl chewed her lip and refused to meet her gaze. “I… I don’t know. I want to say yes, but…” She buried her face in her hooves. “I started this. I gave her hope. I don’t want to watch that hope be ripped from her in her last seconds.”
Cadance sighed. “The sad thing about thinking is that we can’t stop it, no matter how hard we might want to.”
“But I can drown it out,” Vinyl whispered. “I can work. I can distract. I can stay at the clubs, go back to that crazy lifestyle I had before I met her.”
“And were you happy back then?”
Vinyl closed her eyes and tried to recall. So many nights bouncing to random beats, surrounded by anonymous ponies who didn’t know or want to know her, and she had felt the same about them. Wasted nights avoiding her lonely, isolated apartment, trying to write music just to make ponies look at her. There was so much noise, yet it had been nothing but static all along. For years, that was the only sound she ever really heard: static.
“No,” she muttered. Her hooves dropped back to the table, but still she couldn’t look at Cadance. “No, I wasn’t. But I tricked myself into thinking it. M-maybe I could do that again.”
“Do you really want to?”
“I sure as hay don’t wanna think.”
“But you already care about Adi, don’t you?”
At last, Vinyl looked up. She stared into Cadance’s powerful purple eyes and thought her heart was being crushed. “I…”
Cadance offered another of those startlingly warm smiles. “Regardless of what you do from now on, it’s too late. Adi’s become a part of you, Vinyl. No matter how far you run, how deeply you hide in the nightclubs or how loud you turn up the music, you’ll never escape her.”
Vinyl didn’t know what was worse, hearing the words or knowing they were true. She turned her head away to watch the drifting snow. “Sometimes I wish I’d kept my resolve. I hung up on Adi the first time we talked. I thought it was some foal’s prank. I mean, if I’d just left it at that, I wouldn’t have to think about how horribly wrong things might go.”
Cadance tilted her head. “So why come back at all?”
Vinyl hunched over, her ears drooping. “It’s… it’s personal. It’s because of my dad, okay? That’s about as much as I wanna say about it.”
“And do you think your father would approve of you running away?”
“I’m not him!” Vinyl slapped the table and glared at the ever-calm princess. “Father was a great stallion, but I’m not just a product of him. I’m also my mother’s kid, and she was trash. How can I ever rise to his level with her blasted blood holding me back, huh?”
Cadance’s answer was swift and collected. “How can you ever rise to his level if you refuse to try?”
“I’m scared, okay?” Vinyl threw up her hooves even as she choked down a sob. “What if I can’t do it? What if I’m too much like her? The responsibility could overwhelm me, and then what’ll happen? I don’t want to end up hanging out a window with a rope around my neck!”
She buried her face in her legs and struggled to hold back the tears. “I d-don’t wanna be my mom. I don’t wanna be responsible. If I can’t handle it, I’m no better than her. Adi deserves better than that, Flash too. They both deserve the best and I… I don’t know if th-that’s me. What if it’s n-not? I can’t stand the thought. I don’t wanna think. I don’t wanna be a d-disappointment…”
Muttering curses, she pressed her eyes against her canons and tried to brush away the tears. She felt so foalish, breaking down in front of a princess like this. Why did she have to keep thinking about it? Why did Cadance make her think about it? She just wanted the fear to go away. Yet it wouldn’t, and she understood that now more than ever. A door had been jammed open, and through it came wave after wave of terrible possibilities, all riding on the back of her mother’s pathetic visage.
The tears eventually dried. Cadance said nothing the entire time, and when Vinyl looked up she found the princess watching her with a sad smile. “W-what?,” Vinyl grumbled. “Aren’t ya gonna put your wing over my shoulder and tell me it’ll be alright?”
Cadance’s smile didn’t fade. “I’m pretty sure that’s not the kind of help you need.”
“Well… good! B-because that’s exactly right.” Vinyl sniffed and glared at the table. “I can t-take care of myself.”
“Of course.” Cadance remained silent for a few seconds, perhaps waiting for Vinyl to speak again. When she didn’t, she said, “Has it occurred to you that you’re about to prove yourself a failure?”
Vinyl’s head snapped up and her eyes grew wide. “W-what?”
Cadance leaned on her foreleg, a hoof pressed to her cheek as she studied her. “You’re giving up. You’re letting everything you’ve been working for over the past two years slip from your hooves. Is that a quality of your father, or your mother?”
Vinyl thought she heard her heart hitting the floor. “I… well…” She bowed her head with a sigh. “I guess I really am like her.”
“You don’t have to be.” Cadence gestured to the door. “You can go see Flash and talk to him. You can stop avoiding Adi.”
“But that won’t prove anything,” Vinyl whispered. “What if I fold under the pressure anyway?”
“That’s why you have friends.”
“Friends?” Vinyl cocked her head with a frown. “What friends? What can they do for me?”
Cadance raised an eyebrow. “Flash is your friend, isn’t he?”
Vinyl winced, glanced away and muttered, “I’d rather he be something else…”
“Oh?”
“I mean, sure, he’s a friend!” Her cheeks burned as she once again avoided Cadance’s gaze. It was hard not to notice the princess’s smirk, though. “What of it?”
“There’s also Twilight, who is friends with pretty much everypony.” Cadance tapped her chin. “Of course, Luna certainly qualifies.”
Vinyl blinked and looked up at her with wide eyes. “Wait… they think I’m their friend?”
“You disagree?”
“No.” Vinyl lowered her head once again. “It’s just… they’re, y’know, royalty. I never thought I’d have friends in high places like that.”
Cadance chuckled. “I understand. I once felt the same way. Of course, we’d be remiss if we neglected Adi. She is your friend, is she not?”
“Yeah, she is.” Vinyl rubbed behind her ear as she thought on the subject. “And… I guess Velvet is my friend, too. Probably should have admitted to that one a long time ago.”
“Velvet?” Cadance cocked her head.
“She’s… a coworker.” Vinyl sighed and met Cadance’s gaze once more. “Okay, so I have friends. So what?”
“So, they can help you.” Cadance’s smile returned. “If you think you don’t have the strength, lean on them. Is it really that hard to conceive?”
Vinyl rolled her eyes. “That sounds more like something Twilight would say.”
Cadance folded her hooves over her heart. “What is friendship but another form of love?”
“Love conquers all, huh?” Vinyl fiddled with her hooves, lips set in a scowl. “I’m not that fanciful.”
“You’re not easy to convince, either,” Cadance countered with a smug smile, but it steadily faded when Vinyl maintained her silence. The princess sighed and set her forehooves to the table. “Some say that a pony’s life is measured in regrets. The regret of overreaction, of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, of acting without thinking. You’re going to feel pain no matter what you do, Vinyl.”
Vinyl shrank behind the table and chewed her lip. She tried to come up with some kind of response, but she had nothing.
“The choice is always yours to make.” Cadance leaned forward, her magic cupping Vinyl’s chin and making her look up. “You should be rejoicing.”
“Rejoicing?” Vinyl jerked her chin from the telekinetic pull. “Rejoicing what? My pain? My fear?”
“Rejoicing in the choice.” Cadance’s gaze turned hard for the first time. “You can choose to face the regrets and suffer alone, or you can embrace the love of your friends with open hooves. That’s far better than what certain others have.”
Vinyl stared at her for several seconds. When Cadance’s meaning finally hit her, her jaw dropped and she gasped. She had no idea her heart could hurt quite as much as it did right then. “Adi. I… I completely forgot.”
“Be glad you can chose to be alone,” Cadance whispered. “Some aren’t so blessed.”
Vinyl could only sit there, heart pounding and mind running rampant. She barely registered when Cadance stood and walked past for the door. The princess paused just before leaving her vision.
“Adi needs you. Flash wants to be with you. You are not the only pony affected by your decisions, Vinyl. You’ve built bridges over the gaps of love, and the only way to pull out now is to set fire to those bridges. But if you do, remember that fire burns indiscriminately.”
Slowly, Vinyl turned to watch her go. Cadance left the door open, and Vinyl continued to stare long after her hoofsteps faded away. Slowly, she turned back around to stare at the table. She could see Flash’s tormented face, hear Adi’s wretched sobs. Such a painful sound, such a horrible image. If she quit now…
Would it matter? She stood and approached the edge of the balcony. Snow still drifted by, silent and immaculate over the great city of Canterlot. The spires stood tall and solemn, offering no inspiration on this sad night. Vinyl gazed over the edge and wondered about the pain in her heart. Vertigo made her wobble; she dropped to her haunches.
Her father would want her to press on.
Her mother would have jumped already.
It was then that the epiphany struck. One way or another, Adi would cry. One way or another, Flash would be miserable. If these things didn’t happen because of her, they’d happen for some other reason. Vinyl couldn’t stop that regardless of what decision she made. As she gazed down at the city below with the world swimming circles in her vision, her mind grew startlingly clear. One thought rose above all the others, spearing her consciousness like a light from Elysium itself:
She had a choice, and she would not choose to be her mother.
Before she understood what was happening, Vinyl was charging down the steps. Her heart hammered against her chest, her breath came in gasps. She had to have reached the bottom in record time, sliding across the floor of the hall and almost slamming into the wall. Her head swiveled about until she caught the hint of a pink tail disappearing around a corner.
“Princess!”
She turned the corner in time to see Cadance turning back to her. “Where… Where’s Flash?” she asked between gasps.
Cadance’s smile was so delightfully warm. “I believe he just went off duty. Check the barracks?”
Vinyl had departed at a gallop before she’d finished the second sentence. “Thank you!”
The doors and torches and tapestries flew by in a blur. Vinyl had been in this part of the castle enough to know her way blindfolded, and she didn’t care who she bothered with the sound of her clopping hooves. She had just one thought in her mind, desperate and hopeful and determined all at once. For the first time in her life, she didn’t feel like she was running away from something; no, this time she was running to it. She didn’t even know what she’d do once she got there, but the run itself felt better than anything she’d ever known.
The guards watched her pass with raised eyebrows. She flew by the front desk of the barracks without so much as a glance at the soldier on duty. Past a dozen identical doors , she turned a corner and spotted the only one that mattered. It seemed to shine like a beacon in the dark. When she tried to stop, she slid right past it and had to backtrack, but she wasted no time banging with both hooves on the door.
“Flash, open up!”
The time between that first knock and the door opening felt like ages. As soon as Vinyl saw Flash’s disgruntled face with his blue mane all akimbo, her heart leapt into her throat and she leapt into him, knocking him to the floor of his room.
“Vinyl! What the hay are you—”
“I’m sorry!” She clutched him and buried her head in his chest. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I’m not gonna give up and I do wanna keep going but I’m an idiot and scared and selfish!” Tears were streaming down her cheeks. For once in her life, she didn’t care. “I shouldn’t have pushed you and Adi away. I’m so sorry, Flash.”
Flash was silent for a while, but then his wings wrapped around her and he began petting her mane. “H-hey, stop that. Vinyl Scratch doesn’t cry.”
“I do now,” she mumbled, pressing against him. “I didn’t want to be alone, but I thought it was the only way. I’m so stupid.”
He held her tightly. “You’re frustrating as all Tartarus, Vinyl… but y’know, it kinda adds to your charm.”
Despite everything, she chuckled. “Can you forgive me for being scared?”
His answer came with a swiftness that startled. “Yeah.” He rested his head on her shoulder. “I think I can do that. But… Vinyl, what the hay happened?”
She pulled back and rubbed her eyes, managing a warm smile upon seeing his confused face. “I made a choice, that’s all.”
He sat up and cocked his head. “What choice?”
Eyes closed, Vinyl thought of Adi. Her smile broadened. “To think, and face the consequences.” She leaned forward to nuzzle his shoulder. “And not face them alone.”
“W-well, heh, that’s great.” He reached up and stroked her cheek, and Vinyl felt her heart flutter at the contact. When next he spoke, his tone was full of pleasure. “That’s really good, Vinyl.”
“Oh, gag,” a voice spoke from the door. Vinyl glanced back to see one of the guards looking in on them, rubbing his eyes and glowering. “Some ponies are trying to sleep, y’know. Get a room, you two.”
She smirked. “We’ve got one, thanks.” Her horn flashed and the door slammed in his face.
“Hey!” Flash made to stand. “That wasn’t very nice. What if—”
She caught him by the mane and jerked him down, planting a kiss right on his lips. The touch set sparks on her tongue, and Vinyl couldn’t help wondering if there were jolts of energy flying from her mane. He returned the kiss, wrapping his hooves tight about her. Vinyl’s heart pounded, her mind swam in molasses and she felt like she was walking on a cloud.
At last they parted. Flash had a familiar, stupid grin on his face as they both sucked in deep breaths.
“Uh…” He licked his lips, one ear hanging low and the other twitching. “I forgot what I was gonna say.”
“Me too.” She grabbed him for a second kiss.