Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s Bogus Journey

by Justice3442

Chapter 2:  With Special Guest Super Star…

“Uhg… Are we somewhere yet! I’ve been walking for forever!” Diamond Tiara moaned as she trotted through the fog.

Silver Spoon shot her friend a grumpy look. “Look, I know this isn’t fun, but I’ve been here the entire time with you! You could at least complain less!”

“I’d complain a lot less if you just carried me~!” Diamond Tiara sang out.

“D.T.! No!”

“Come one!” Diamond Tiara said. “We’ll swap when you get tired!”

“Oh no,” Silver Spoon said. “I’m not falling for that again!”

“Wow! Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said as she sat atop of the back of her friend. “I’ve got to hand it to you, hours walking and we’ve barely gone anywhere! You’re terrible at this! Just… the worst walker ever.”

Silver Spoon gasped and wheezed as she collapsed to the black ground. “My… my turn…” she uttered in a strained tone.

“NEVER!”

“Well great, just great, Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said. “Thanks to your selfishness we’re stuck suffering in… in…” Diamond Tiara looked around. The fog has fallen around the ponies’ feet and the sky was bright in clear. The once hard ground was soft and pleasant to the touch and the air was warm and comfortable as if wrapping the ponies in a cozy blanket.  “We’re are we anyway?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“I think this is heaven,” Silver Spoon said as she waved her hooves through the gentle clouds that covered the ground.

“Great! We’re stuck suffering in heaven,” Diamond Tiara said. “Way to go. Loser.”

“I think we’re actually at the gates to Heaven,” Silver Spoon said narrowing her eyes at Diamond Tiara.

“How can you tell?”

Silver Spoon motioned to gigantic pearl and gold gates that stretched up from the cloud floor up to what seemed like infinity. “The giant pearly gates we’re sitting right in front of?!”

“Well how am I supposed to keep track of all these kooky places?!”

Silver Spoon sighed heavily. “Look, I know you don’t have much of a frame of reference for places of eternal torment and everlasting paradise, but can you at least try to remember when I tell you about them since they’re becoming increasingly important to our situation?”

“Whatever!” Diamond Tiara said as she rapped a hoof against the gates. “As long as we get to stop walking.” She turned to the gates and knocked harder. “Hey! Let us in!”

“D.T.! You can’t just demand to be let into heaven!”

Diamond Tiara blew a dismissive gust of air. “Oh really? And why’s that? Is there a stairway or something I need to buy to get up there?” she said as she motioned up at the massive gates.

“It’s the best place in the universe!” Silver Spoon cried. “You’re supposed to at least try to be good to even have a chance at getting in!”

“Best place in the universe?” Diamond Tiara scoffed. “I doubt that! I mean… you’ve been to my house! You’ve got to know—”

A compartment several yards above the girls opened up, interrupting Diamond Tiara with a sound like a full choir singing praises in perfect harmony. A tan pony with a long brown mane popped his head out of the compartment, his skin and hair glowed with something warm and otherworldly and he seemed to smile with a compassion unbound by the limits of mortal comprehension. “Oh hello travelers. What brings you to my eternal paradise?”

Silver Spoon gasped and motioned across her chest up, down, left, and then right before she fell the clouds and bowed her head.

“We got kicked out of Hell because everypony there sucks bad,” Diamond Tiara said simply. “Let us in! This place looks a little nicer anyhow.”

“D.T.! What the heck?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed.

“What! I said it was nicer than Hell!” Diamond Tiara said as she turned. “It was a compliment.”

“One, that’s not much of a complement. Two, that’s Fixer Christ himself you’re talking to!”

“Oh… You mean that pony who’s always shown getting totally owned on that cross?”

Silver Spoon let out a startled “AAAH!” and dove for Diamond Tiara, clamping her mouth shut with both forehooves. “Are you out of your mind?!”  she whispered in an alarmed tone. “Do you have any idea what he can do to us if we make him mad?!”

Diamond Tiara swatted Silver Spoon’s hooves away. “What’s he going to do? Send us to a land of eternal torment?”

Silver Spoon paused and thought about this. “Huh, good point. Still, you need to at least be polite.”

“I’ll be polite when we don’t have to walk anymore!” Diamond Tiara moaned.

Silver Spoon looked up at the pony above her who was still gently smiling down. “Look we uh… we sort of have no place else to go… Could we maybe come inside? As unworthy as we may be?” Silver Spoon placed her hooves together under her chin. “Please?!”

“Unworthy?!” Diamond Tiara said. “Silver Spoon, we’re rich we’re about as worthy as—MMPHPHPH!”

Silver Spoon quickly placed a forehoof over Diamond Tiara’s mouth and gave Fixer a worried smile.

Fixer chuckled gently. “‘Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you’. Sure girls, I’ll open the gates for you.”

Silver Spoon’s face lit up. “Thank you!”

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “That was, like, the longest ‘yes’ in the history of everything!”

“Can’t you just be happy we’re getting into Heaven?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed. “We’re being allowed into a land of infinite joy and you’re still complaining!”

“Infinite joy?” Diamond Tiara said. “We’ll see about that. I mean, there’s no way this place is anywhere near as good as—”

The gates opened and suddenly the girls felt as if their very essences were being filled with happiness, like beautiful, melodious music being poured into their souls. They felt light as if there worries and concerns had been lifted both mentally and somehow physically from themselves.

Tears began to stream down Silver Spoon’s face as she looked out into the vast expanse of clouds and white ponies that flittered about, some on multiple sets of wings. The entire expanse disappeared off into the bright blue forever as light and warmth seemed to radiate from everything and everywhere.

Silver Spoon attempted to work her jaw which had become unhinged. “It’s… it’s more glorious than I even imagined…”

Diamond Tiara sighed. “I guess so…” she said as she trotted in. But I think my house is still better.”

“WHAT?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, flinging her forehooves out to her sides in disbelief. “How can you possibly think your house is still better!”

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Tiny sandwiches, ad’ooooiiieee!”

Silver Spoon’s left eye twitched. “Sandwiches…”

“Tiny sandwiches,” Diamond Tiara corrected.

“You, of all ponies, have been let into the great eternal paradise… A place that makes you feel good just by being in it, and you’re whining about tiny sandwiches?!”

“What!” Diamond Tiara cried. “They’re really good sandwiches! If this was any kind of” –Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and air-quoted with her forehooves—“‘paradise’ there’d be a plate of tiny sandwiches right here.”

With a quiet pop as if simply announcing their arrival, a plate of tiny sandwiches appeared before Diamond Tiara and hovered in front of her.

Silver Spoon smirked at Diamond Tiara.

“Oh, whatever,” Diamond Tiara said as she grabbed a tiny sandwich. “I bet these don’t taste half as good as the ones back home.”

“MORE SANDWICHES!” Diamond Tiara demanded from a massive throne made out of tiny sandwiches amongst the heavenly clouds. “I WANT HILLS MADE OF SANDWICHES! MOUNTAINS MADE OF SANDWICHES! I WANT ALL THE SANDWICHES IN THE UNIVERSE AND ONCE I HAVE THOSE I WANT YOU TO FIND MORE!”

A white acrogenous pony fluttered down with a silver plate stacked high with tiny sandwiches. Diamond Tiara pounced on the tray like a half-starved predator who spotted a wounded animal. She quickly consumed the contents of the tray and glared at the angelic pony who served it to her. “More! MORE! And be quick about it.”

The pony wordlessly flew back up into the clear sky.

“Don’t you think you’re overdoing it a bit?”

Diamond Tiara’s ears perked up and she looked to the side of her sandwich throne.  Silver Spoon had ascended the tiny sandwich stairs and now stood on the raised pumpernickel platform.

“Hey Silver Spoon,” Diamond Tiara said. “Catch any angels yet?”

Silver Spoon shook her head. “Naw, they keep overpowering me with their heavenly strength and flying off.”

Diamond Tiara turned back in her chair. “Yeah, that sucks I bet. Here, why don’t you have a sandwich and take a break.”

Silver Spoon reached for Diamond Tiara’s chair only to find her hoof being swatted.

“No! Not those sandwiches!” Diamond Tiara said. “Those are for my sandwich throne!”

“What’s the difference?!” Silver Spoon cried as she rubbed her hoof.

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “I’m afraid you just don’t understand good sandwiches, Silver Spoon.” She motioned to the sandwiches that served as the back of her thrown. “These sandwiches have been handpicked by me, the tiny sandwich queen, for their ability to hold up as my regal throne.”

“Whatever,” Silver Spoon said. “Maybe I can just hide behind your throne before an angel comes by to give you your sandwiches.”

Diamond Tiara lounged in her throne and examined the back of her hoof absentmindedly. “Whatever! I don’t actually care.”

Silver Spoon smiled wickedly to herself. “Stupid angel won’t know what hit it! Soon I’ll be flying with wings. Wings bloodily torn from the back of my fallen prey and—”

“Girls?” A gentle voice called out. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“AAAH!” Silver Spoon cried out as she clamped her hooves over her mouth.

Diamond Tiara shrugged. “Just me not getting more tiny sandwiches!” she said in a loud, huffy tone.

“You know you don’t have to wait for the angels,” Fixer said simply as he trotted to the top platform. “Your very desires manifest around you.”

“What’s the point of not bossing ponies around though?!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Is it too much to ask of an eternal paradise that I’m waited on hoof and… other hoof?”

Fixer nodded. “I’m afraid it is.”

“Weak,” Diamond Tiara said.

“In fact, I checked around and everypony pretty much unanimously agreed that this place can’t be an eternal paradise if you two are in it.”

“What?! Why?!” Diamond Tiara cried.

Silver Spoon’s hooves fell to the ground and she gave Fixer a heartbroken look.

“For starters, you’re probably the most unkind pony ever even allowed to set hoof in heaven.”

“Those horrible little angels!” Diamond Tiara said as she shook a forehoof in the air. “They’re in for the screaming of an eternity.”

Fixer nodded. “Yes, you see, that! That right there is why you need to leave.”

Silver Spoon whimpered. “But… but I’ve tried to be nice.”

Fixer regarded Silver Spoon with a touch of sadness in his eyes. “I’m sorry Silver Spoon, but there’s a darkness in your heart that even the eternal glow of heaven can’t erase.”

Silver Spoon hung her head. “Yeah, I know…”

Fixer continued. “Plus you keep tackling members of my heavenly choir and trying to rip off their wings.”

Silver Spoon puffed out her lower lip. “I just really want wings to fly with!”

Fixer gently placed a hoof on Silver Spoon’s shoulder. “I know child, but you must quell your murderous impulses before you’ve earned them.”

Silver Spoon sighed. “Is it really that bad that I want to extract bloody and painful vengeance on all my enemies and bathe in their blood as I sing songs that glorify their untimely end at my very hooves?”

“Whoa!” Diamond Tiara said as she looked at Silver Spoon. “I’m mad too, but scale it back a notch, will you?”

Fixer gave Silver Spoon a gentle smile. “Yes, I’m afraid it is ‘that bad’. That is, in fact, about as bad as it gets.”

Silver Spoon hung her head. “I understand.”

“This is unacceptable!” Diamond Tiara cried. “Do you have any idea who my dad is?!”

Fixer cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, but do you have any idea who mine is?”

Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow at Silver Spoon. “Let it go, D.T. You just lost this one about as hard as anypony can lose anything.”

Diamond Tiara puffed out her lower lip. “But… but my dad has lots of money!”

“Yeah, I don’t think he cares,” Silver Spoon said as she shook her head. “Guess we’ll just wander the afterlife with nowhere to stay for forever.”

Fixer smiled as the clouds around him, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon swirled about. Soon the three where standing outside the gates to Heaven.

“There are other things you girls can try, you know?” Fixer said in a gentle tone.

“Really?” Diamond Tiara said. “Wait! You were holding out on us!?” she cried.

“D.T.! Shut up, you stupid bi—!” Silver Spoon said, cutting herself off as she looked up at Fixer and felt her face go hot. “I uh… I mean…” She turned back to Diamond Tiara. “Try to be a little nicer! Okay… I mean… that’s how you got kicked out in the first place.”

Diamond Tiara sighed. “Do you have to crush on everypony we meet in the afterlife?”

Silver Spoons face went hot. “I’m not crushing on Fixer Christ, okay!”

“Really?” Diamond Tiara said flinging her forehooves up into the air. “I mean your parents have, like, pictures of him everywhere that always show off his big pony muscles! I know girls who are into fireponies who have less shame than your family.”

Silver Spoon let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re just lucky you can afford to be stupid.”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

“Girls! Like I was saying, there are other things you can try.”

“Yeah? Like what?” Diamond Tiara said snidely.

Silver Spoon quaked in silent irritated rage but said nothing.

“Well, there’s always enlightenment.”

“Ooo!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “I like the sound of that. It sounds exotic and expensive!”

Fixer cheerful look fell ever so slightly. “Riiight… How attached to material wealth would you say you two are?”

“Hmmm?” Diamond Tiara replied. “Sorry, can you repeat that? I was thinking about my swimming pool.”

Silver Spoon gave Fixer an apologetic look. “I was also thinking about her swimming pool.”

“Okay… Let’s skip enlightenment. Reincarnation?”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon gave fixer a blank stare.

“It’s when you get reborn as something else.”

“Oh! I want to be a princess!” Diamond Tiara said.

“I want to be a bat!” Silver Spoon said.

“Ugh…” Diamond Tiara said. “You are so lame sometimes, you know that?”

Fixer chuckled gently. “You girls don’t get to pick what you become. It’s sort of based on how you treated others in your previous lives.”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon exchanged glances and swallowed.

“Ha-how we…” Diamond Tiara said trailing off.

“… ta-treated others?” Silver Spoon finished.

Fixed nodded. “Yep! The nicer ponies you were, the better your next lives will be. Conversely, the meaner you were, the worse your next lives will be. Admittedly, that’s bit of a simplification, but—”

“Pass!” Diamond Tiara said hastily.

Silver Spoon nodded. “Yes! Super pass! What else can we do?”

Fixer shrugged. “Well… I guess you can wander the endless expanse of Purgatory,” he said pointing off into the distance.

An excited gasp passed through Silver Spoon’s lips. “That! Let’s do that.”

“What?” Diamond Tiara said. “Purgatory? That’s a stupid name.”

“Oh my gosh, D.T.!” Silver Spoon exclaimed happily as she looped a foreleg around one of Diamond Tiara’s and began to drag her away. “You have no idea!”

“You’re right! I have no idea! What the heck is Purgatory?!”

“Oh you are going to flip when you see this…”

Fixer Christ waved a forehoof as the two ponies left the gates of Heaven. One walking, the other being dragged behind the first.

“Where are we? There’s nothing here,” Diamond Tiara said.

The two ponies had traveled so far that there was nothing on the horizon in any direction. Flat dirt with the occasional rock stretched out an all directions as far as the eye could see.

Silver Spoon looked around. “I don’t think there’s supposed to be anything here. It’s just a vast nothingness…” She smiled. “This is Purgatory… Limbo.”

“Limbo?” Diamond Tiara asked. “Wait! You brought us here because there’s nothing?! That’s what you thought was so cool?!”

Silver Spoon smiled. “Oh this is awesome! This is just like my poetry.”

Diamond Tiara sighed. “Please don’t—”

“Empty… Like my heart…”

“Oh, sweet Celestia, why?!”

“Empty… Like your love…”

“How is this even a poem?!”

“Empty… Like my soul…” Silver Spoon finished as she dramatically collapsed to the barren ground.

Diamond Tiara sighed and began to walk away. “That’s it, I’m going back to Hell to see if they’ll let one of us back in…”

‘PFWOOOSH!’

Diamond Tiara stopped and perked up an ear as a pillar of swirling green energy suddenly shot up from the empty ground. It bathed the ponies and the area around them in sickly green light.

“Whoa! What is that?!” Silver Spoon exclaimed.

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Seriously? Don’t you know anything?”

“Hey!” Silver Spoon cried. “You’re the pony who doesn’t know anything about Heaven and Hell and stuff! Excuse me if there’s just one thing I’ve never seen before.”

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes as she walked up to the swirling pillar. “It’s clearly a swirling vortex of pure evil!” she said as she stuck her hoof in it.

“Should you be touching it?”

“What? Of course!” Diamond Tiara said as she pulled out a hoof full of smoking slime. “It feels great and tastes even better!” she said as she placed her hoof into her mouth.

“Are you serious?!” Silver Spoon cried. “I feel a profound sense of dread come over me just by looking at it.”

Diamond Tiara swallowed the green goo in her mouth. “Well it is a swirling vortex of pure evil.” She stuck her hoof back into the swirling green pillar and pulled out another heaping portion of smoking slime that she began to lick off her hooves. “Oh yes… definitely 100% evil… Fresh and not from concentrate.” She took another lick and smiled. “That’s the stuff…”

“Hey! Stop eatin’ the pure evil! Dat stuff ain’t cheap, you know?”

Silver Spoon watched in fear and awe as the pillar collapsed into a black writhing mass that swirled before expanding upwards slowly.

“Oh, what now?” Diamond Tiara said in irritation as she continued to lick the green residue from her hoof.

The black extended several feet above the ponies. Two sides of it seemed to split off forming dark, black covered arms that ended in thin, bony hands. A pole extended upwards and downwards from one hand followed by a curved blade at the top end. Finally, two eyes of glowing red embers appeared in the mass. The eyes stared down angrily at the two ponies. From the blackness a bleached white bone hand emerged and pointed accusingly at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “You two are in a lot of trouble.”