Chapter 1: Introduction to Idiocy
Time: One Week before the Canterlot Wedding
Luna was having a bad day. Sure it started off pretty well when she heard about her niece's marriage. There was no stallion better for her darling niece than Shining Armor. Luna would admit she regretted not having the time to sample the dish before he got hitched, but that wasn't the problem. The problem dealt with Celestia's decision to have the ceremony in the morning. When Luna was sleeping.
Now this wouldn't be such an issue for normal ponies as they were typically awake during this time but unfortunately for Luna, she liked to sleep in. All the ponies in the palace knew this fact and thought this was due to her nightly responsibilities, however the truth was more mundane. Luna...just liked to have a good time...Meaning Luna liked to party ...a lot.
This would not be a big problem for most ponies, or likely would be considering their jobs, but for a princess it was considered highly unorthodox? Petty? Improper? Ah yes! Improper for a princess to be engaged in such activities. Fortunately for Luna's reputation and for Celestia's sanity, Luna was able to transform and cast illusions from a distance. This meant that Luna could take on the appearance of another pony when she was partying while also casting an illusion of herself in her throne room.
Of course there was no way she could avoid being asked questions by officials and those who attended her court, so she would sometimes stop dancing or whatever she was doing at the time to answer questions. This would sometimes lead Luna into making some interesting edicts and decrees, because of Luna being...plastered at the time. The most notorious example of this would be the time she banished hay sandwiches from Equestria. Luna couldn't remember too much from this incident, but apparently it had something with them not being tasty or something. This incident led Celly to decrease Luna's powers as ruler so she would not cause another Chef revolt. Which Luna thought was pretty stupid. Hay sandwiches were not tasty enough for a revolution.
Now most ponies would wonder how Luna could get away with this sort of lifestyle seeing as she was still technically a princess and liable to her royal duties. Well the answer was very simple in that practically no sane pony wanted to attend night court. And who could blame them.
For the ponies who lived in another city they would have to spend at least half a day to get to Canterlot and back to their hometown. And that's for Celly's Sun Court. In order for a pony to attend night court they would either have to go to Canterlot early and wait for night to approach or enter Canterlot during the night. Both approaches had their pros and cons but the biggest issue would be ponies would have to leave Canterlot in the nighttime due to outrages renting prices. When most of them were supposed to be asleep.
Ponies did not like this fact, which Luna helped by purposely showing ignorance to various laws so ponies had to stay longer while their so-called "princess" looked through the various legislative codes. No pony was willing to sacrifice a night of sleep for that mess.
Then there were the ponies who lived in Canterlot. Most of the business the Sun Court dealt with various complaints submitted by Noblestallions and Mares who for one reason or another wanted some petty thing done. To be honest, Luna had no clue what happened in Celly's court, but she did not care for them. It wasn't necessarily that she hated the Sun Court or her sister per se. It was more along the lines she could not stand the arrogant aristocracy. The reasons for this were many including them again being prideful little snobs, but the number one reason was: they did not like to party. Or better to say they didn't party like Luna.
This was an unforgivable sin, because to Luna partying was an art form. The art of partying is to release all the pent up frustrations and others emotion into an hedonistic explosion where ponies did whatever they wanted at the time. So what would typically be seen as morally questionable to downright illegal would be a outlet for ponies to relax and see a side of themselves not usually explored. Luna would acknowledge there were dangers to this type of behavior, but everypony needed to let lose every once in a while. Except for the aristocracy....
The aristocracy idea of good fun involved ponies dressed in ridiculously constricting clothes, making snide comments about other nobles, and drinking champagne... Champagne!!! By Celestia's beard! How was anypony supposed to get drunk on that. Answer: nopony, because nopony was supposed to have any fun at those parties... Or pass the time in a drunken haze. Any and all parties the nobility hosted always sucked....
Except for when Twilight's gang came to the last Galloping Gala. That was awesome.
This was why Luna hated the aristocracy and their horrible parties she always had to attend because sisters are sadists. Fortunately for Luna, she did not have to spend a lot of time around the aristocracy as they felt she would "degrade them."
Luna believed this attitude had more to do with their fear of her previous persona, Nightmare Moon, which she eagerly supported by always transforming into her Nightmare form. Well mostly just in front of the nobles, because if she did that in front of regular ponies, Celly would bug the crap out of her. Though, fortunately or unfortunately, other ponies did see her in this form which led to some rumors about her still being possessed by Nightmare Moon. These rumors also eventually led more ponies to try and avoid her court.
By the end of the eliminating process Luna was basically scraping from the bottom of the barrel. The ponies that did show up to her court were junkies, drunkards, prostitutes, drug dealers, and various other types of degenerates... Whom Luna highly encouraged to come.
Luna would do anything to get these ponies to come such as offering food, beverages, places to sleep, sometimes locations for ...business transactions and even giving some bits from time to time. Ponies were quite obviously curious why Luna would go to such lengths to gather this kind of crowd. Opinions ranged from theories of Luna raising an army to overthrow Celestia to her trying to redeem herself through saving all these ponies. But once again the answer was mundane. Luna didn't want to hear her sister complain about lack of attendance...
And it also kept much saner ponies from coming to her court. But more importantly it kept Celly's complaining to acceptable levels.
Though Celestia was well aware of Luna's "nightly activities", Celly didn't want Luna to appear too lazy or negligent when it came to her diminished duties as it would reflect poorly on the ruling caste. So in the early days of Luna's renewed rule, Celly in her infinite annoyance started to bug Luna about Night Court's lack of attendence. Luna responded as she usually did when her older sister was being annoying.
She made the situation ten times worse for everyone involved.
Luna accomplished this by basically allowing the black market to be in her Night Court. Ponies would think that criminals would not actively participate in, well, criminal activities in front of their rulers and her numerous guards. Luna was easily able to circumvent this by informing all the ponies that she was very interested in expanding "cultural awareness" of the more misfortunate ponies. This of course meant that if say another ponies were to interfere in say some sort of everyday "cultural practice" then she and the other ponies in her court could not expand their "cultural awareness" of other cultures. Meaning ponies were basically free to do whatever they wanted.
This did cause problems ponies would usually associate with letting ponies have free reign in the palace, such as stealing, weird stains being found on furniture and other places, drug deals and the occasional hoof fights. But surprisingly there were some pretty good benefits.
For one the murder rates were down. There were several reasons for this but the main one was that criminals typically want to have a safe haven when conducting business. And what better place to make sure you were not injured or worse than the Canterlot palace. Because there were no ponies crazy enough to try to harm another pony when their surrounded by guards and Princesses... On second thought some of the night court ponies are that crazy, but they get locked up immediately...So another benefit less violent ponies on the streets.
The first benefit also led to ponies to being safer when walking at night. Luna liked to believe it was due to her giving shelter to all the misfortunate ponies out there. Though her sister's theory is that since all the criminals are apparently in her palace at night then of course the streets would become safer. Celly could not see the light side of things and is still harassing Luna about the criminals in her court. God does Celly love to rain on parades.
The last benefit actually helped guards perform better in capturing criminals. The guards were now able to watch how criminals perform their "cultural activities" and how they got away with these activities. This helped guards better identify crimes being committed in the city, while also providing a safe environment for recruits to learn the trade....Well a safer environment than the streets.
The guards were also able to teach recruits how to talk with ponies/criminals, subdue, identify, and practice the procedures in taking in a collar. It also had some guards cooperate better with some of the less violent criminals by giving better deals and sometimes even letting them go. Apparently having to deal with some low-life on a constant basis makes ponies become friends or something. Huh, who knew Friendship was that magical.
The only pony who seemed to have a problem with the magical court of friendship was the sourpuss, Celestia. Originally, Celly would constantly harass Luna about the "cultural awareness program" but eventually tapered off into what she usually did when confronted with Luna's Genuis...
By ignoring it completely.
Celestia said it was due to having better things to do than to deal with her sister's immaturity, but to Luna it was a victory. Luna won not only by getting her sister off her flank but it also made more ponies less likely to come to Luna's Court in case they got stabbed....Which unfortunately was a legitimate fear... Oh well it was a sacrifice for the greater good.
Luna continues congratulating herself for being awesome and commemorating the numerous ponies who were sacrificed to this noble goal when she remembers her more pressing issue: the morning wedding.
Now Luna was willing to wake up early for the wedding. Weddings are a special occasion and are especially rare for alicorns, so it would be little sacrifice to attend the wedding early. However Luna also had a little bit of a groove when it came to her partying/sleeping schedule and so she would really like it if the wedding occurred in the afternoon as to not disturb it.
Celestia, however, thought that such a special day should occur in the morning where everypony is getting out of bed, the birds were singing, and all the ponies are happy as sunshine. This to Luna meant Celly was getting back at her for all the headaches Luna's graciously given to her.... Unfortunately, Cadence thought this was a grand idea and no persuasion on Luna's part could convince Cadence to change her mind.
In the end this left Luna with two choices: skip the wedding for heavenly sleep or attend the wedding at a God awful hour. Well, there was always the third option of skipping the night partying in favor of a good night's sleep, but Luna didn't even consider it. This was because there was no way Luna was going to sacrifice party night for the wedding. Luna may love her niece, but she would never give up partying...Ever.
Luna took her creed of party 'til you die very seriously...
And so this left Luna with the dilemma of skipping the wedding or attending the wedding. On the one hoof, it was her niece's wedding...but then there was her groove. All her friends would be there: Twilight and the rest of the gang...but it would ruin her groove. There would be all sorts of delicacies, drinks, and activities making it the greatest party ever...but her groove...Wait a minute...The party would be hosted by the nobles, right? Right....
After some careful deliberation the decision was easy to make and that is how Luna was sleeping through the Canterlot Wedding when the real fun began.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Time: Wedding day: 12 o'clock Noon
Luna was suddenly awoken by a loud knock on her door.
Still wrapped in her comfortably smooth sheets, Luna lets out a groan as she blearily opened her eyes to the sun shining from her window. Luna tried to cover her eyes with her hooves but no amount of coverage could spare her from her worst enemy: the sun ....and hangovers.
And so with great reluctance Luna tried to get out of bed....While some annoying jerk kept on knocking on the door.
"My sister still annoys me even when I'm trying to sleep." Luna malevolently thought as she struggled to get out of bed. Luna knew it was her sister, because nopony dared to disturb Luna when she slept.
As she was combating her bed, Luna's door was still being knocked on. Seriously Celly, who keeps knocking on the door when ponies are trying to sleep?
Luna did not appreciate this and so responded like she usually did when displeased...
By taking it out on the pony stupid enough to upset her...
After finally removing the sheets, Luna thunderously ran to her twin massive doors and with a mighty heave of magic swung them open to scream at the irritating intruder, Celestia!
"Who dares awaken The Nightmare!"
Luna was surprised when she found that standing before her were two terrified Solar guards looking pale and scared out of their wits...Instead of her beloved sister.
It took a second for Luna to recognize what was happening, but the sight of the trembling guards just made Luna love the Canterlot Voice all the more. Luna absolutely loooves intimidating her guards with the Voice. The reason why Luna used it was because she thought it was good for character building... And she liked to see them cowering in fear. Celestia, the spoilsport that she was, had differing opinions on the subject and wished Luna would stop. Unfortunately for Celestia, Luna was never going to stop... Ever...
It took awhile before one of the guards could form a coherent response, but when they did, the heart attack guard stuttered out, "W-w-we c-came to g-get you an audience w-w-with the p-p-princess, M-my Lady."
Luna did not say anything as she continued staring at the pair with the seconds passing by while the guards kept on nervously looking at each other. As she became more aware of the guards, Luna thought "There was something strange about these guys."
Her reasoning behind this is that usually the guards did not send new recruits to retrieve her. They learned that lesson the hard way when Luna literally scared the crap out of one of them, which she thought was hilarious, but the janitors and other guards found considerably less so....
The reason Luna knew these ponies were recruits was because one of them had the faint smell of urine while the other looked like he was about to have a heart attack. Luna's guards would require far more....stimulus to be reduced to this state. After some consideration, Luna decided to ignore this anomaly and go see her sister, because one she didn't really care and two she wanted to go back to sleep as soon as possible. And standing around here questioning guards would not get her any closer to her much needed sleep....
Besides Luna could always help build their character along the way...
"Ah so Celly dares to disturbs my slumber." After a moment's thought, Luna also graciously stated, "Seeing as this was my sister's fault you guards shall suffer no further.... punishment."
The new guards did not seem relieved by Luna's joke, which wasn't surprising seeing as most ponies could not comprehend her sense of humor. A look at the time Luna told the "aristocrat's joke" at the Spring Time Gala would be the perfect example of this. Luna would just need to help these ponies with their sense of humor.
After considering if the guard with the heart issues was going to be okay and chuckling at the other guards shame, Luna decided it was time to go.
Which she said as, "Now take me to your ruler, pathetic mortals."
The guards shared a "is this pony crazy" look and without further comment decided to escort Luna to Celestia's throne room. Which looked a lot nicer than Luna's throne. Luna spent several minutes thinking about how she could get back at her sister for having a better throne when Luna glanced at one of the guards. The feeling of the guards being off still bugged Luna, but for some reason she couldn't put the pieces.... It took a minute or two but Luna realizes that the Heart attack guard looked exactly like Crass Iron...
Yes, right down to the grey coat, white mane and wings, and sword/shield cutie mark. This pegasus looked exactly like Crass Iron, who is part of Celly's old guard.
"Huh, now that's really odd" Luna contemplated as she looked more carefully at the guards. The problem with this scenario is Celly's guards know not to disturb my chambers and to always leave the task up to the Night Guards. It would make sense for a rooky or two to do it especially seeing as the guards love to play the occasional prank, but there is no way in Tartarus a veteran would do something this stupid. Now that Luna really thought about it there seemed to be several color mismatches in the two guard's armors too...
Luna stops immediately with this realization. The guards also stop a few feet ahead of Luna when they realized she was no longer following them. Luna took a long hard look at the two "guards" in front of her. The piss guard also seemed to look familiar and if she was not mistaken they looked exactly like the ponies that made up some of Celly's veterans...
Luna decided she would confront this in her most subtle and tactful of ways...
"You're not really guards, are you?" Luna asked the two ponies.
The guards looked at each other for a brief moment before suddenly bursting into green fire to transform into bug/pony hybrid things! Luna is completely surprised by these turn of events and just stares stupidly at them.
The bug ponies deciding this was the best time to try to attack and launch themselves at Luna. Emphasis on try. It took Luna a few moments to realize she was being attacked and responded like usual when confronted with something unexpected. By exploding stuff....
The resulting exploding bug ponies caused the Canterlot hallway to be covered in green goop. Everything was smeared with the awful substance: the paintings, the walls, the windows, the ancient desk drawer things and even.... Luna. From beautiful mane covered head to shiny black hooves, Luna was drenched in the green ooze.
Luna deciding that after being plastered in goop it would be a good idea to take a breather as she sat on her haunches and continued to stare at the...remains of the bug ponies.
After a few minutes of comprehending what just happened, Luna stared at her slime covered hoofs and wondered, "What does it tastes like?"
It was an odd thought but how many other chances was Luna going to get in tasting this creature's blood... Of course Luna would never be so stupid as to eat some strange goop lying on the floor, but then again how many chances will she have.
And so without further deliberation, Luna lifts her left hoof to her muzzle and takes a tentative lick of the slime covered hoof.
Thank god she decided to, because it tasted delicious! It was so freaking awesome, it was like eating a thousand jawbreakers or a well-cooked minotaur thigh. In other words it was freaking delicious. She couldn't exactly describe the taste, but if Luna had to put down a flavor she would say it tasted of ...love. This was particularly interesting as Luna has never tasted love before...
Except that time she dreamed herself and Twilight in a fairly intense petting session.
Luna quickly shakes this memory from her head and, after licking her hooves clean, focuses on more important matters. Bug ponies have infiltrated the castle masquerading as guards, and they are probably up to some evil scheme or another, because Equestria is always dealing with crap like that. Celestia may or may not know about this putting her life in danger. Meaning Luna should go to Celly as quickly as possible and tell her what's going on before she is harmed or killed.
Luna carefully considered the worse case scenarios of this high level of infiltration before remembering her messy situation... So Luna had two choices now, go take a bath then tell Celly or go directly to her sister in this messy state. On one hoof she would be endangering a lot of ponies lives, but she was also dirty. Luna would probably be claimed as a hero seeing as she would have prevented a horrible conspiracy, but she would be dirty and the press would take pictures of Luna's messy mane...
And so without further consideration Luna decided on taking a bath first. To be fair she though it would be pretty petty of her to leave a mess for the janitors to clean up by not bathing first and Celly had been in all kinds of crazy stuff before she'll probably survive this too...
Luna left the Halls in their blood soaked and corpse laden state to go take a bath. As she was walking, dripping slime everywhere, Luna was contemplating using other spells besides explosive ones so she did not end up in so many....messy situations.