5.Berry Disappointed
The long trot to the Acres seemed a lot longer by hoof, Berry mentally noted as he came to a panting halt by the gate. Scootaloo had made it look far easier than it actually was, especially given the way she had pulled him and her fellow crusaders behind her. He stretched out before the gates, popping the vertebra in his back in a long and languid feline movement. His aches and pains were starting to become rather sobering reminders that he wasn’t a young and spritely lad anymore. He was what, 32ish? 35? He had lost count over the years, but he certainly wasn’t in the same shape he had been in when he had all but swept Marble off her hooves when they had first met.
It might have just been the long walk, though. He had never gotten used to just marching on and on like that. It always screwed with his back when he traveled non-stop by hoof, since his back wasn’t built for land-lubbing. Nothing to it, he supposed. He had spent all morning dealing first with his wife, then the titanic pile of paperwork. Vile, predatory, carnivorous paperwork; the sheaves of paper always longed to slice open his forelegs until they were ribbons in order to suck out his blood.
And now, he got to deal with the crusaders. Who had accidentally bombarded Canterlot, and nearly killed Luna. They needed more supervision, and he was questioning his old oaths to never drink rum again. His old friend, the molecule of alcohol could help him deal with the madness.
Stepping off again after his short rest, he trotted down the front lane of the fruit orchard slowly enough to take in the sights he had missed the day before while still trembling from the mad wagon ride over. The old farmhouse, the sweeping grassy expanses beneath the trees, the giant crimson stallion warily eying him, the rolling hills leading to the Everfree and the Canterhorn beyond. He was surprised that the picturesque vista wasn’t being invaded by artists looking for the best scenic view of the country’s capital or general inspiration.
“Mornin.” What? Who!? Where had he mis—oh. There was in fact a giant stallion standing there, glaring at him gawking around like an idiot while still carrying a giant barrel on his back. A giant stallion who could probably tie him up into a knot with his own tail. No pressure, just a slightly menacing implied question in the way they crimson hulk shifted the stalk of hay in his mouth.
“Oh. Uh, Captain Bubbles at your service. Berry Bubble.” Berry babbled hesitantly as he considered all the ways the big stallion could probably snap him in half with just a glare. He bowed in respect, taking a half-step back.
Big Macintosh snorted a little, carefully setting the barrel he had been carrying down. Without the weight on his back, he rose up to his full height and towered over Berry like a mountain of doom. “Really.”
Berry’s mind galloped at a thousand miles an hour to defuse the situation before he became Berry Jam. “Uh, Princess Luna assigned me last night?” Why was he so nervous? The words didn’t want to come out of his mouth, and he was going to get squished!
Not that Big Mac would. But the effect was a rather nice touch. “Luna?”
“E-eyup?” Bad idea. Big Macintosh had been very slowly closing the distance between them, and at the theft of his trademark word, he leaned in close to inspect Berry. Who was the strange sea pony, and how did he even know that the word was a favorite of his. “Sorry?” Berry squeaked, surprisingly further intimidated. “Supposed to make Ponyvile better and watch your sister?”
Big Mac pulled back, pondering. The roads certainly needed a rebuild, and he looked forward to pulling carts on smooth pavement instead of muddy ruts. The rest of town didn’t concern him much. He’d still sell. But his sister… “Jack?”
“’Bloom.” Berry clarified, flinching at the slow hum of consideration from the stallion.
What had Applebloom done to deserve a guard captain watching her? Well, actually—there was the clubhouse, they were expanding for something big, and her lessons. “Twilight?” He ventured.
Nod along politely. “And Sweetie Belle.” He won’t squish you if you’re polite, Berry. A full suit of armor wouldn’t help, he’d just make a sardine can out of you. As he let Big Macintosh contemplate, he silently glanced towards the clubhouse down in its little vale. “Making sure they’re safe. Teaching. Learning.”
Macintosh nodded, granting his acceptance. He peered at Berry again as the sun’s light grew a little brighter with the passing of a cloud from before it’s disk. “Seem familiar.”
“Pinkie Pie?” Berry ventured, knowing how eerily he matched her in some ways. “Sister in law?” He clarified for the farm stallion, earning a quiet whinny of worry as Big Macintosh backed up slightly. Oh fer—she was not contagious! Sort of. Maybe; he did get some of his ideas on partying from her. Okay, maybe her cheer was a little infectious. It might explain the madness of Ponyvile. “Okay, she might be that bad, but probably not. She’s—mostly harmless.”
Big Macintosh shook his head. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t. He still had too much to deal with just with the crusaders, let alone Applejack. Best not to invite more trouble. He took a glance towards the hill concealing Ponyvile just behind it. “So—“
“Just heading over to their clubhouse.” Berry mentioned quietly, his ears perking at the faintest sound of a tinny –crack!- of sound somewhere nearby. Probably a test fire calibration. He needed to hurry. Big Macintosh had his eyebrow set to ‘pointedly enquire with extreme prejudice’ again as Berry turned back to look at him. “That was probably them. Um, they beaned Princess Luna with an apple last night. Without leaving Ponyvile while the princess was in Canterlot.”
There was that whinny again as Macintosh processed the statement. Right, time to get to Ponyvile, then. He’d send ‘Jack back to deal with them. “Eenope, nope, nope, nope!” No, he had enough trouble with Luna pining after him and sending him love letters at night, no need to attract her to the farm more. He had a drawer full of the midnight blue letters collected over the past two years.
Berry just smiled and nodded. Smile and nod. He shook out his tail again vigorously as he stretched a bit more. “Yup. Long way to town.” Probably best to be where Luna wouldn’t look for a zap apple, lest smoochings be applied vigorously.
“Eeyup.” Shiver. “Could use the variety in town.” Macintosh mentioned, jabbing a hoof towards Ponyvile. The town could get awfully ill-mannered around new species.
“Better get a move on.” Berry concluded as a strange and tinny warbling whine started echoing through the trees. “I need to be Berry Disappointed with the three of them.” The pun was almost as bad as the loud double thunder-crack echoing through the trees.
“T’was Horrible.”
“I know. Have fun!” Berry smugly grinned, having a metaphorical degree in deadly penmanship.
They parted ways, Big Mac heading towards town and well away from any chance of Luna showing up; while Berry turned back towards the Cutie Headquarters and three foals he needed to straighten back out of trouble. The tinny noises slowly built up again, even more earsplitting in volume as Berry picked up the pace to a near-gallop. Darkening thoughts rumbled in his head as he wondered what the trio might be aiming at. Probably still the Canterhorn, Cel—Luna damnit. His running still made his sides ache just as it always had before. Several more double thunder-cracks echoed through the trees, likely the sounds made by an object breaking the sound barrier. Huff, huff, he wasn’t built for running; he wasn’t an earth pony who could trotty-trot-gallop all day! He was supposed to swimmy-swimmy-shoo-be-do! An engineer, not the kind of pony supposed to go around screaming at others telling them not to push the obvious big red button! His steel legs rubbed annoyingly against his flanks as his prosthetic hooves crushed grass beneath his trod with every step up the side of the last hill before the vale.
Not that his misfortune would stop just because he had accidentally created a mad artillery team. As he reached the top of the hill, gnarled old exposed roots from the ancient first-grove of the orchard caught at one of his metal hooves with relatively predictable timing. Namely, right at the absolute apex of the hill, and just before a rather steep slope beyond. Lady Luck had left him a few miles back, Mr. Misfortune wanted to play again.
Berry’s momentum worked against him as the trip turned into a tumble. He flopped through the air after bouncing chest-first off the ground rather painfully. Grabbing his tail quickly with his hooves to protect himself, he curled up and folded in on himself until his head was firmly protected by the fleshy base of his tail. He loosened up, mentally bracing himself for the impact that was going to hur—
Bounce! Bounce! Roll! AhhhhhhHHH! It wasn’t bad, it was much worse!
--------------------
The whole of the Cutie Mark Crusader Hopeful World Headquarters shuddered intensely and shook the sawdust from the half-finished rafters as something smacked into one of the support trees with a vengeance amid a brief yelp of terror. Applebloom and Scootaloo lifted their soot-stained safety goggles together to look at each other by the apple launcher as Sweetie Belle looked up from humming an apple into its zappy cousin. Applebloom’s brow furrowed down against her unstained eyelids and the bridge of her nose as she tried to place the voice. “Ya’ll reckon that sounded like Berry?” Nod. Nod. “Thought so. He’s early.”
So they all stepped out, carefully making their test rig safe as they did; no need to let some-pony fall in and get turned into applesauce or launched out over the Everfree. Oddly, Berry wasn’t at the stairway up, nor was he inspecting any of the structural supports along the side of the building. And since they didn’t have a full alicorn orchestra and dance team, they were pretty sure nothing had fallen through the deck and onto him. One by one, they leaned over the sides and looked for their wayward sea pony.
“Oh hey! I found him!” Sweetie Belle called out, carefully balancing herself over the edge while hung by a rope around her waist. He was under their porch, sprawling rather lazily against a poor, cracked tree. That was kind of rude, shaking the place up and then laying down for some kind of upside down nap. “Hey, Mr. Bubbles! Are you trying to applebuck with your head?”
Gyyyauuuugh.
“Oh! You really shouldn’t! You could get stuck in the tree, or get a concussion!”
Grrrrrrnnnngh.
“Hey, that’s rude! I was just offering advice, you don’t need to be so grumpy. We already tried it and didn’t get any cutie marks. I kinda got stuck, though.” She looked cross-eyed at her horn as Berry groaned again in pain.
Her friends joined her after a minute of running around the expansive perimeter to get to her side. Applebloom pretty quickly lowered Scootaloo on a rappel harness and rope as soon as she untangled Sweetie Belle’s horrendous knots and bad anchoring off of a high branch. It didn’t take them long to wrap the half-conscious sea pony in a cargo sling from their experience hauling supplies up for the expansion, but Berry did moan rather ungratefully when they bumped his head against the edge of the decking as their guide ropes twisted.
“Ah, yer fine. Ah’ve done worse to mahself. Ya do know we have a buzzer, right? No need to go banging your head on our trees like a cave-pony.”
Grrrrnnnnh. Berry stood up wobbily, bracing against the foals as they rushed to his sides. Right, he was seeing three crusaders. Either hallucinating from a concussion or her had all of their attention. At least none of them were attending to the doom-gun. Ngh. “Where is it?”
“Hey, take it easy.” Scootaloo gently scolded as Berry tried to get moving before he was steady on his hooves. “Even Rainbow Dash would be feeling that hit. Where’s what?”
“Your air cannon.”
Scootaloo looked to Applebloom, who shook her head without a clue. “Uh, we have a bunch. They keep exploding when we over-pressurize them.” The pegasus filly explained, miming a pipe bursting with her hooves as Sweetie made helpful ker-splodey noises sadly. They weren’t sure why he was asking about their little potato-guns.
“What!? It took us half an hour to enchant just one ring! How many did you make!?” Berry yelped in the throes of sudden adrenaline, a twinge of panic squeaking in his voice as he tried to think of how much havoc a whole array of the impromptu launchers could cause. He tried to imagine the horror show of a Canterlot being slowly melted by exploded zap apples turning it into polka-dotted magic goo, and the horrible stickiness that would ensue. Icky-ick, so sticky.
“Rings?” Applebloom repeated, finally realizing what Berry was talking about. “Oh, you mean our new flingy-thingie’s rings.” Berry’s scrunched up face of worry eased as Applebloom pointed up to the pegasus device.
“In that case, we only made a few more. We pulled out an old potion I had tried to make to turn apples in to zap apples, and they seemed to not turn to applesauce anymore. So we made a few more rings for it and retuned them to accelerate them slower when we started saucing zap apples too.” She clarified for Berry, who sighed in relief. He only had the one to fix so it could never explodinate an apple in Luna’s mane ever again. When he started wobbily-marching to the door to the test tower, Applebloom followed him in worry. “Where ya going?”
“Mr. Bubbles?” Sweetie called after him as he stomped up the stairs.
The sea pony ignored their calls to him, making with all due haste up the mostly-finished stairs. They just needed their non-slip safety strips put down before he could call them finished. Chasing after him, the crusaders galloped up the stairs right behind him, worriedly watching from the stairway as he pushed with all his might to point away from the Canterhorn and towards Ghastly Gorge. Scootaloo leapt over her friends in a burst of pegasus magic to buzz her wings right beside Berry to express her displeasure. “Hey, what gives!?”
“What did you three think you were doing, aiming that thing at a population center!?” He scolded slightly hysterically as he noted the disturbing stack of zap apples next to the swivel mount for the linear ring array. He gestured wildly to the rig, then to the snowy peak of the Canterhorn. They had even set up a telescope to see if they hit it! What-augh, no! “You could have hurt some-pony! You –did- hurt some-pony!”
Sweetie Belle and Applebloom chuckled nervously as Scootaloo thought hard and started to realize just how much trouble they were in. “What are ya talking about? Things go ‘splut’ instead of places when we stick them in it.” Applebloom tried to rationalize as Scootaloo looked towards the mountain and noticed a strange puff of white near the top.
“Aye, so should I tell Princess Luna that the zap apple that fell out of the skies was just a figment of ‘er imagination and she should stop eating exotic cheese before bed?” Berry sarcastically complained in his full accent, continuing to vaguely gesticulate in the capital’s direction. The trio all gulped nervously as his thick, bushy eyebrows narrowed to an angry v of angriness just between his eyes.
“So, about those hallucinations, heh. Heh.” Sweetie Belle nervously tried to say as she imagined what Rarity was going to do to her.
“Lots of screaming, splattering, and mane loss. Also knocked out princesses and angry Sparkles.” Berry dripped on the pure sarcasm.
“So dead.” Scootaloo whimpered.
“To the moon.” Sweetie whispered, miming getting launched out of a cannon.
“Ah don’t wanna make a will.”
Berry scooted over to them and scooped them into a one-hoof huddle at his side. “Ye three moon-pony applicants are lucky Ah covered for ye.” He cleared his throat as they shivered as one, realizing it was time to calm them down. “I tricked her into looking away from you, and got a royal mandate to continue research on your new stuff to make your ships.” He pulled them a little closer and brought them to look at the Canterhorn and the city on its side. “Just because it makes for a good target doesn’t mean you should hit it.”
To further mock him that day, traitorous Physics conspired with her vile sister Gravity at that moment upon the peak of the mountain as the bigger batch of high-speed zap apples finally hit their mark a little more than thirty miles away. The artificial snowcap of Mt. Canterhorn shuddered and trembled as puffs of further powdered snow were kicked up by the hits, blending into the clouds at the very tip of the mountain. The grand avalanche of all the snow leaving it at once in two great streams of white downwards wasn’t nearly so hard to spot. Canterlot’s city shields diverted the snow into the safe buffer valleys maintained for just such an event, leaving the stupefied quartet to behold their horrifying wonder.
Repeating their mantras of doom and gloom seemed to be the appropriate thing to do for the crusaders as Berry pondered impact velocities and travel times. Okay, he really puckered up in shock and wondered where their welder was so he could make sure the rig never fired another solid shot. “So, where exactly did you get the zap apples again? Pinkie told me they all got sold off after the season ended.”
“Uh, Ah told you already. We made ‘em.” Applebloom quickly said, happy for anything to take her mind off of the imminent royal arrest for defrosting the mountain.
“HOW!?”
“Um, Ah kind of made a potion for it. Made of rainbows, and magic, and Heart’s Desire.” Applebloom mentioned sheepishly. “Got a fifty-fifty chance of making a zap apple out of an apple. Or exploding ‘em. They like to explode. So, Sweetie Belle figured out how to sing ‘em into zap apples. Dunno if Applejack will want ‘em. Didn’t want mah potion, might be the exploding.”
Right, exploding apples. Actually, he could work with that. But first, the cover-up. “We never, ever mention this. Ever. Never. Never-ever. I need to teach you how to properly lie so your horrible skills don’t get caught.” He then turned them all around to look at their doom-cannon/flingy-thingy again. “But first we need to make sure this thing can’t fire apples anymore. Or ponies. Firing ponies would be bad, best to do it for safety’s sake.”
“But-“Scootaloo tried to protest.
“Ah don’t think we should have it. It might be too dangerous to keep around. We shouldn’t have that kind of firepower.” Applebloom remarked solemnly.
“Well, it does still sort of work.” Sweetie reminded them, pointing out the nice shock absorbers on the base that kept it from flinging itself over.
“Right. After the covering of our tails and figuring out why you three don’t have your cutie marks if you make stuff like this."