//------------------------------// // Ponyville Homesick Blues by HudsonHawk // Story: The Equestrian's Guide to Humanity // by HudsonHawk //------------------------------// "Okay, you militia rejects... let's see you outrun a bullet." Jimmy Quinn chuckled to himself as he took out his sniper rifle. Peering through the scope, he briefly admired the jungle around him, then took stock of the situation... one man in the guard tower, two on the ground... better take care of the guard first. The silencer sang as the first shot took out the sniper in the guard tower. Jimmy then went back for the other two. He downed the first one with a head shot, but alerted his buddy to his presence by doing so. Jimmy quickly aimed for the head... and the guard started running, taking the bullet in the shoulder. Even worse... Oh, crap... Jimmy thought. That was my last sniper round... He drew his dual SMGs, and ran for cover as the soldier unloaded his own SMG into the forest around him. Jimmy took two bullets as he whirled around and fired back. The soldier fell, but a few of his buddies had heard the fracas. They were there, SMGs drawn... and utterly pissed. Jimmy ran forward, guns blazing... "FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, WOULD YOU TURN THAT DOWN?" The XBOX controller suddenly felt a bit heavy. Jimmy paused the game as looked over his shoulder to see the angry face of the purple-haired woman behind him. Rarity sat at the large folding table they had set up in the living room for her to sew, her red reading glasses halfway down her nose, and a look that could set someone on fire plastered on her face. "I can hardly concentrate on my patterns with that... that... noisy JUNK playing..." She managed to get out through gritted teeth. Jimmy sighed and set the controller down on the coffee table. For the past few days, Rarity just hadn't been herself. She had been snippy and more than a bit overbearing, though she was able to hide it rather well at work. However, when she got home with Jimmy... "Rares..." Jimmy started. "It was a very long and very tiring day for us. I need to unwind, and video games are how I do it." "Why don't you read?" Rarity asked, annoyed. "It's a lot quieter." "Because with work I haven't had the time to sit down and play Far Cry. I finally have the chance to do so..." "Working on my patterns is how I unwind!" "The sewing machine is just as loud, Rares! Even if I wanted to read, I'd have to put up with the incessant clack-clack-clacking!" "At least it would be a more constructive use of your time." "Aren't you being a bit selfish, Rares?" Uh oh. Rarity gave Jimmy a VERY hard stare. UH OH. If looks could kill, Jimmy would be dead. Mt. St. Rarity was about to blow... Rarity shot up from the table and stomped toward the entertainment center. Before Jimmy could protest, Rarity had flicked the switch on the power strip. The TV and XBOX shut down immediately. "RARES! WHAT THE HELL?" Jimmy yelled. "I didn't save! Now I gotta start the whole level over again!" "Good." Rarity said, stern-faced and adjusting her glasses. "Those games were rotting your mind anyway." "Two can play at this game." Jimmy thought. He got up and headed toward the table. "Don't you even think about touching that machine!" Rarity growled. Jimmy walked up calmly, and laid his index finger on top of the Singer sewing machine. "I'm touching it!" He started tapping his finger on it. "TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH!!!" Rarity's face was so red that, in retrospect, Jimmy was surprised her hair didn't catch fire. "You... You..." Rarity looked around... and then got a devilish look on her face. She grabbed the 12-inch Terl figure from his perch on top of the entertainment center. She held him lengthwise and raised him above her head... Jimmy gasped. "You wouldn't..." "Step away from the machine or this plastic doll meets my knee." Rarity said, almost sadistic in her glee. Jimmy thought for a moment. "I'm calling your bluff, Rares." "Have it your way." Rarity said. She brought Terl down upon her knee... "OW!!!" Terl fell to the ground intact as Rarity hopped on one leg, holding her hurt knee. Jimmy tried and tried, but... "BUAHAHAHAHA!" Jimmy doubled over with laughter. He laughed long and hard, holding his sides. Rarity glared at him angrily, half due to the pain and half due to anger at her roommate. "Did you know this would happen?" She said through gritted teeth. "Terl there survived an earthquake on a family trip to California. Nothing short of a nuclear blast could break him." Jimmy said, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. Rarity angrily kicked Terl away. The button for his voice box was triggered. "RAT-BRAIN!" The digitized voice of John Travolta shouted. "Oh, stow it, you glorified statue." Rarity growled. She then returned her glare to Jimmy. "This is all your fault!" "Wait, how is this my fault?" Jimmy asked, taken aback. "If you had just done the gentlemanly thing and turned that game off so I could concentrate on my patterns, I wouldn't have hurt my knee." Rarity curtly said, as if it was obvious. "So if I had decided not to play my game on my television IN MY OWN HOME, you wouldn't have stupidly hurt your knee by trying to break an action figure in half?" Jimmy said, trying to contain his anger. "Exactly!" "WHAT?!?! How does that work?" Jimmy shouted, confused. Rarity lost it. "You don't get it after I explained it? Maybe your ex was right. Maybe you are stupid." There was a bone-chilling silence. "What did you say?" Jimmy said, the picture of tranquil fury. "I'll say it slowly, darling, so you can understand: maybe... you... ARE... stupid." There was a long pause. Jimmy started to shake with anger and hurt. He pointed at the door. "Get out of my home, you... you... BITCH." He said. Rarity looked shocked for several moments, as if someone had just squatted down over her best dress and laid a big fudge dragon upon it. The shock turned to anger. The anger became an open palm that struck Jimmy full across the cheek. There were a few minutes of silence. Neither one said anything. Then... "Fine!" Rarity shouted as she grabbed her coat from the hatstand. "I don't think I can stand being cooped up here with such a... a... RUFFIAN as you!" "Really?! Well, no one's keeping you here!" Jimmy shouted, rubbing his cheek. "Fine!" Rarity shouted as she stepped through the door. "Goodbye forever, Jimmy!" "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!" Jimmy shouted as he threw himself down on the couch. SLAM! And then, Jimmy was alone. A half-hour had passed since Rarity had stormed out of Jimmy's life. Jimmy's anger had begun to fade, replaced with the hurt he felt at Rarity's outburst... well, her behavior the past few days. He didn't know why his good friend and roommate had started to act like that. Maybe he hadn't been as understanding as he could have been. Maybe he did something to hurt her and didn't know it. It wouldn't have been the first time. If only he could read people... if he hadn't been stuck with his Asperger's... if he were just normal... “Yeah. I'm glad you told me before we got married... before we had kids. I'd have to raise one big and several little Rain Men. That would take years off of my life!” Carrie's words echoed in his head. “I'd have to raise a litter of retards. I just can't do that.” Jimmy hated himself at that point. He looked at the wall next to his bedroom door. There, next to the door frame, hung the pictures Ana had drawn for them. The princess that was Rarity stood there, her gown flowing around her, her enchanting smile beaming at him. Next to that picture was the lion she had drawn. "I picked this lion creature because of how brave you were getting on that ledge for me. I chose battle scars because you fought through a dark period in your life and survived. The ornamental headpiece shows that you are my hero." Some hero he was. He felt so undeserving of that title. Ever since that night, Ana had been a frequent visitor to Curious Goods. She had become a surrogate sibling to Jimmy and Rarity. She looked up to them both for caring so much to save her life, even though they didn't know her... ...much like Jimmy had been with Rarity. He didn't know her, but he gave her a roof over her head, clothes, and employment. He had helped her, and now... she was out there, alone, with nothing. The more Jimmy thought, the more he felt that there was something wrong. Rarity had never acted as self-centered and angry as she had been earlier. She knew how much Carrie's words had hurt him. She had told him time and again that she was wrong, and there was nothing wrong with him for having what he had. That settled it for Jimmy. Something was wrong with his friend. Whether he had thoughtlessly caused it or if it was something else, he had to patch things up and find out what was wrong. But first... he had to find her. Jimmy grabbed his trenchcoat from the hatstand and headed for the door. His mind went to work: She doesn't know how to drive, so that limits the area to everything within walking distance... As he stepped into the hall, he noticed something. The door to the roof, the place he always went to think, was ajar. Due to the harsh Wisconsin winters, he always double checked it whenever he came down to make sure it was closed. Someone was up there. "Rares?" Jimmy asked no one as he dashed toward the door. The roof to Curious Goods was unremarkable, as far as roofs went. It was just a large, grey, flat surface surrounded by four short beige walls at the end. There was a lawn chair that had been up there since only God knows when, which shockingly still held Jimmy's weight. During the spring and summer, Jimmy would come up here and listen to his iPod as he watched the sunset and thought about... well... anything. There was something new when Jimmy came up this time, though: a beautiful woman sat in the lawn chair, shivering, her eyes red from crying... "Rares!" Jimmy shouted. Rarity turned to look at him. "J-J-Jimmy?" She got out through chattering teeth. Jimmy ran over, knelt beside her, and pulled her into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." He felt her arms wrap around his back, tightly. "No, Jimmy... I'm sorry, darling." They stayed there for several minutes, hugging each other tightly, their animosity gone. "Look, Rares... we have to talk..." Jimmy brought two steaming mugs of cocoa over to the couch. Rarity, having changed into a warm pair of purple pajamas, took one mug and sipped thoughtfully. Jimmy sat next to her and sipped at his, savoring the taste of powdered chocolate and marshmallows. "Look, Rarity..." Jimmy began, "Whatever I did that got you mad at me for these past few days... I'm sorry. I really am. I just... I just don't want to lose a friend because I did something stupid..." Rarity put down her mug and looked at him quizzically. "What makes you think you did something wrong?" She asked, almost motherly. "Well..." Jimmy began, setting his mug down as well. "It's just you've been really short with me lately. I just felt like it was my fault..." Rarity put a calming hand on Jimmy's shoulder. "Darling, believe me, it's not your fault. Not at all." Jimmy started to tear up. "I said some horrible things, Rares... I didn't mean any of them... I didn't..." Rarity pulled Jimmy into a warm hug. He returned her embrace as she rocked him gently. "I know, darling. I know." She said softly. "I said a lot of horrible things to you, too... I didn't mean any of it, either... I'm the one who should be apologizing." Rarity pulled away and looked away from Jimmy. "Rares?" Jimmy asked. "What's wrong?" Rarity looked away as tears started flowing down her cheeks. "I... I miss home." She said. "I miss Equestria. I miss Ponyville. I miss my parents... my sister... my friends... my dear Opalescence... my shop..." Rarity started sobbing. "I miss them all, but I have to keep going here. This is too important for both our worlds. I tried to lock those feelings away so I could keep going... and then I took it out on you..." She buried her face in her hands. "I don't blame you if you really hate me for what I said. If you want me to leave..." Jimmy immediately put his hands on her cheeks and slowly turned her face toward his. He gathered up the courage to do this. "Rarity... look me in my eyes." Jimmy said. Rarity did so, as Jimmy began to speak. "With what you've told me about your friends, I'm shocked you don't know that true friends share the load. Their problems are your problems, and vice versa..." "I know that, darling..." Rarity began as she sniffled. "...but with what happened with that beast of an ex-lover and how she hurt you... and with that darling girl we met and how she looks up to us... I felt that you shouldn't have to burden yourself with my problems as well." "Rarity..." Jimmy hugged her tightly. "...it's no burden. Not at all. Celestia appointed me your caretaker. That means that your problems are my problems. No exceptions. They'd still be my problems even if I wasn't your caretaker, because friends share the load. I'm always here if you need to talk, Rares. Always and forever. And..." Jimmy heard soft snoring. "...and you're out like a light, aren't you?" With great difficulty, Jimmy had managed to extricate himself from the sleeping Rarity. She now lay on the couch, covered up with a comforter. After covering her up, Jimmy started to pace around the apartment, as was usual when he was deep in thought. He wanted to help her so badly... Then he saw it. On his desk, atop a pile of the parchment Rarity and Jimmy had been using to submit guide entries, lay the Ring of the Two Sisters, the seal which would send the scroll to the Princess... It was then that the dim bulb in Jimmy's head brightened. He just hoped that the Princess would understand the use of the ring for a non-guide related matter. He took a seat at the desk and picked up a quill. Dipping it in ink, he tried to write with it. All he got was a giant ink blot. He tried again. Another ink blot. He crumpled up the parchment and tossed it away. One of these days, Rarity would have to show him how to use a quill. Until then... Mr. Ballpoint would do. Grabbing the Etch-a-Sketch game pen from the pen cup on his desk, Jimmy started to write on the parchment. "Dear Princess Celestia..." Jimmy awoke to the feeling of the wind being knocked out of him. Something had decided to use his stomach as a crash mat. As he started to cough, whatever it was tipped off his stomach and onto the floor of his bedroom with a loud crash. "What was that?!" Rarity darted through the door. "Jimmy? Are you okay, darling?!" She asked. Jimmy's coughing had begun to subside as he moved to a sitting position on his bed. "I'm fine, Rares. Something just fell on me..." It was then that he noticed Rarity's stunned expression. He looked down at the ornate wooden box on the floor before him, the object that had knocked the air out of him. He leaned over to pick it up as Rarity joined him on the bed. As he brought it up so they could see... "Darling... that's Princess Celestia's cutie mark." Jimmy took a minute to admire the box. It reminded him of the wooden box Gizmo the Mogwai came in. The box had a hinged lid with a small latch on the front. The whole thing, from the frames surrounding the panels of the box as well as said panels, was varnished to a nice dark brown. Said panels had an ornate sun on them... and Jimmy did recognize it as Celestia's cutie mark. "I've seen that box before, darling." Rarity started. "That box is meant for transporting something via magic. It's only sent when there's multiple items to send. Twilight used it once to send me some reference material from the Canterlot archives for some period clothes I was making." "Do you want to open it, or should I?" Jimmy asked. Rarity unmatched the box, then took Jimmy's hand. She laid it on one side of the lid, then laid hers on the other. "We'll both open it, darling." Rarity said. "One... two... three..." Rarity and Jimmy opened the box... and Rarity gasped. She pulled out a large, silver picture frame. Jimmy craned his neck over to see what it was. Inside the frame was a picture of a pony family: there was a brown-maned and mustachioed unicorn stallion in a blue, white-collared Hawaiian shirt covered with white and yellow flowers. Three footballs were on his flank. Next to the stallion was a pink unicorn mare, her purple mane done up in a beehive hairdo, a blue heard scarf tied in it. She wore a red, white-collared shirt with a clamshell brooch, and a pair of white pants. Between them were two white unicorns, one a filly. The taller unicorn had her front leg around the shoulders of the filly. The filly had dark green eyes, a white coat, and a pink-and-purple mane. She had no mark on her flank. Next to her, the purple-maned unicorn had sapphire eyes, a winning smile, and three diamonds on her flank... she was someone he knew all too well... Jimmy looked up at Rarity. Her eyes were wet with tears, but even he could tell these were happy tears. She smiled lovingly at the picture. "Mommy... daddy... Sweetie Belle..." She said. Her fingers touched each pony as she said their names. "The last one..." Jimmy started. "That's you, isn't it?" Rarity looked at him. She nodded. Jimmy took a long look at the picture, taking in the sight of Rarity's family. "First off, it's nice to see them at last." He started. "Second, you look absolutely adorable." Rarity beamed at him, a slight blush in her cheeks. "Stop it." She said, setting the frame aside and pulling out... another frame. Rarity gasped again. The photo in here was a group of ponies. Rarity was there, seated on her rump, a foreleg raised as she looked at the camera. Leaning on her was a hyperactive-looking pink mare, her baby-blue eyes gleaming and mouth open in a smile as she excitedly waved at the camera. Next to her was a rainbow-maned cyan Pegasus mare. Her wings were flared, and she looked ready to take on the world. Beneath her stood an orange, freckle-faced mare, smiling as she winked one of her green eyes at the camera. She wore a brown Stetson, had three red apples on her flank, and her blonde mane and tail were done up in ponytails. To the left of her, a yellow, pink-maned Pegasus mare was laying down, her dark blue-green eyes gleamed as she smiled shyly-yet-adorably at the camera. Her flank had three small butterflies on it. In the center was a purple alicorn with purple eyes. Her indigo mane had pink highlights in it, and she looked the happiest of them all. Seated next to Rarity was a small, green-scaled purple dragon, waving at the camera and smiling. Rarity was barely keeping it together at this point. She touched the ponies in the picture as she said their names. "P-Pinkie Pie... Rainbow D-Dash... Applej-jack... Fl-Fluttershy... T-Twilight... Sp-Spikey Wikey..." She picked up the pictures of her family and friends and hugged them to her chest. "I miss you all..." Jimmy reached into the box and pulled out the last item: a green crystal. "Twilight showed me that, once..." Rarity started. "That sends video messages. She kept in contact with her brother and her sister-in-law when they went on their honeymoon with that. It's kind of like your cell phone, only it can only be activated with a unicorn's magic." "A unicorn... like you?" Jimmy asked. "Yes." Rarity said. She concentrated on the crystal. Her eyes glowed blue as the crystal activated. A small, portal-like hole appeared in the room. Rarity's family appeared in it, and their message began to play... "Hi, dumpling!" Rarity's father said in a thick Midwestern accent. "It's us! Princess Celestia told us all about what you're doing, and I just want to tell you how proud we all are of ya. We got one of them crystal things, too, so ya can leave us a message and we can leave ya one. I hope this helps ya with being away from us." "It... it's helping already, Daddy." Rarity said, trying not to cry. Sweetie Belle spoke up. "Hi, Rarity! I can't wait to hear all about that new world you're in. Still no luck on the cutie mark front, but the girls and I are still trying. We're getting fitted for ice skates today, so I'll tell you how that goes. I want to tell you that I love you, I hope you're okay, and that you're the best big sister ever!" "And... yo- you're the best little sister ever..." Rarity choked out. It was Rarity's mom's turn to speak. "Hi, precious. I don't think I can add much to all of that. Just stay safe, and I hope that fella you're with is treating you well." "He... he is, mommy. He is." Rarity said. "Speaking of that..." Rarity's dad started. "...if this 'hooman' fella you're staying with is watching... I wanna thank ya for looking after Rarity and helping keep her safe..." "No problem, sir." Jimmy said as he put his arm around Rarity. "...and ya better keep your hooves off my daughter if ya know what's good for ya!" Jimmy's arm immediately shot back to his side. Rarity looked at him, confused. "Better to be safe than sorry." Jimmy said, grinning nervously. "Anyway, dumpling, we gotta go. We love ya!" Rarity's father said, as Mom and Sweetie Belle joined him in waving at the camera. Rarity waved back, her eyes wet with tears. "I lo-love you, to-too..." She stammered out. The picture faded to that of Princess Celestia. Next to her, a blue alicorn stood by, her dark blue mane filled with what appeared to be stars. She had teal eyes, a warm smile, and her royal regalia was black compared to Celestia's gold. There was a crescent moon on her flank and her breastplate. "Hello Rarity and Jimmy." Celestia started. "I want to say that I'm sorry I didn't think of this sooner. I should have known how homesick you would be, and I feel like I have failed one of my little ponies." The blue alicorn spoke up. "Sister, not one of us is perfect. We should know. Neither thou nor Rarity are immune to that rule." "I know, Lulu..." Celestia started. "Oh, where are my manners? Jimmy, if you're watching this, this is Luna, my sister and princess of the night." "Greetings, James." Luna said. "We would like to thank thee for thou's hospitality towards Rarity. Not everypony would let a stranger stay in one's house, so thou must be a special stallion to do so. With all we have heard of thou's species, especially those 'fingers' of thou's... if thou is ever in Equestria... we would like to... get to know thee better..." Luna fluttered her eyelashes seductively as Jimmy stared at the screen in shock. "Lulu! This is not the time nor the place to ask for a date!" Celestia shouted. "But, Tia!" Luna whined. "We have not been with a stallion in a thousand years! We need relations badly!" "Lulu..." Celestia said sternly. "...we will talk about this later. Go." Luna tromped off camera as Celestia continued. "First, I want to thank Jimmy for telling me about this, and for reaffirming that Rarity's trust and my trust in you was not misplaced or ill-gained. Second, Rarity, you will be delighted to know that we are getting another crystal made for Twilight, and she will contact you as soon as she can. Third, I want to thank you, Rarity, for doing this. In the end, your sacrifice and time shall be worth it. Faustspeed, you two. I look forward to the next guide entry." The hole faded, and the room was quiet once more. Rarity looked over to see that Jimmy was facepalming. "What's wrong?" Rarity asked. "I told Celestia not to mention me..." Jimmy said. "Why?" Rarity asked, confused. "Because mom always said that a good deed loses its power if you brag about it." Jimmy replied. He jumped slightly when Rarity embraced him, nuzzling into his neck. "You're not bragging, darling." Rarity began. "She just thanked you. It's not wrong to accept credit or gratitude for a good deed..." She then kissed him on the cheek... exactly where she slapped him yesterday. "...and I want to thank you for doing this, darling. It was beyond sweet of you." Jimmy blushed furiously. "It was nothing, Rares." He then broke the embrace and started heading for the bedroom door. "Where are you going, darling?" Rarity asked. "Well..." Jimmy started. "...you more than likely want to send your family a message and let them know you're okay. Me, I got to take a shower and all that good stuff, so I'll just leave you alone..." Jimmy felt himself being dragged back via Rarity's telekinesis. "Nonsense!" Rarity said. "You're just as much a part of my family now as they are. Besides, I think they'd want to meet you, darling." Rarity put her arm around Jimmy, and Jimmy did the same. Rarity activated the crystal, and began to speak. "Hi, mommy! Hi, daddy! Hi, Sweetie Belle! I just wanted you to know that I'm fine here... and I have someone you'd quite like to meet..."