Pessimism and Sarcasm
Chapter 16
Vampire Fruitbats and Vam...Ponies?
Today I find myself in a restaurant, one that strangely resembles a McDonald's from back home. I sit down and begin to savor a bit of breakfast before starting what will probably be yet another very slow day at the spa. You see, ever since I turned out to be fused with a giant shape shifting predator from another world, most ponies have been giving me a lot more space. It's too bad though, considering that for a giant shape shifting predator from another world, she's pretty nice - at least now that she can think about more than just eating, sleeping, and mating.
Still, there are a few ponies that don't give me too wide a berth now that this discovery has been made. Take Cheerilee, for example. When I dropped Shade off at school this morning, the very pink teacher took an extremely defensive stance in front of the class, which actually seemed rather inquisitive about the shape shifter, instead of scared like the adults, except the two snobs.
The mane six stick around because they know me, and have been the only ones around to see the shape shifter actually assume a form. I still encounter Lyra all over town, too. I swear it's like she's following me. She's even here now; she just walked in and ordered some food for herself. Could she be the one that's...nah, couldn't be.
I am also glad to report that, once again, they have meat here. Which means that I could make my more typical breakfast order, a sausage and egg biscuit with bacon. They even make the hash brown patties the way I like them - nice and crispy. Additionally, it seems that Pinkie Pie works at almost every food business in town. She turns up, in uniform, wherever I go. Maybe she used the Mirror Pool again, without telling anypony. Wait, anypony, I've been here too long.
As I continue eating I notice Lyra heading toward my table, but Rainbow Dash suddenly swoops into the chair across from me, and the unicorn pauses before sitting at a table next to us, fixing a stark glare to the back of Dash’s head. I glance at Lyra, but decide to ignore it. Instead, I turn my attention to Rainbow Dash, and prepare myself for whatever it is she wants to talk about. I’m not too excited, to tell the truth. I’m sure the self-centered pegasus just wants to tell me about herself. It could be worse, though. For example, instead of Dash it could be-
“Yooooooo-hooooo!” a high-pitched voice croons from across the restaurant. I discreetly roll my eyes as Rarity joins us at the table as well, levitating her own tray of food along with a handkerchief (or would that be hoofkerchief?) and some sanitizer. She takes the seat on my left and pulls out some shiny, fancy silverware. While she daintily eats her food, Dash devours her own as if it were trying to run away from her. Does it go too far to say that I sort of feel like Charles Emerson Winchester the Third - after he got stuck in the Mash 4077 unit? Though not as pompous or as absorbed with fleecing people.
"Bacon and sausage. Really Jake? All that fat will not be good for your figure." Rarity looks at me with a critical eye.
"Wait he got bacon and sausage on that?! That. Sounds. Awesome!" Rainbow Dash begins staring hungrily at my sandwich, then suddenly lunges across the table, nearly biting my hand as she snatches the rest of my breakfast sandwich. Left sitting there in a sort of shock, it takes a while before I return to reality. "Dude, that IS awesome!” Dash says, spewing chunks of my sandwich with each word. “I've got to start ordering that."
I sit, glaring at her. In my peripheral, I notice that Lyra’s mouth is open and her eyes are wide, pupils shrunk in horror. Is she really more upset about the loss of my breakfast than I am?
"Why Rainbow Dash, I had no idea Jacob and you were an item." Rarity gives Dash a sly look, the kind a matchmaker would have. Upon hearing this, though, Dash suddenly freezes, eyes wide in her own horror. I see that Lyra looks ready to burst into tears, and as for myself, I sit there wondering whether or not my heart had stopped.
"Say wha-" Am I getting enough oxygen? Did I hear that right?
"No way! How could we be a couple? I mean, I hardly talk to the guy-"
"But Rainbow, you know what they say about a mare when she shares a stallion’s food." Rarity gives her a wink.
"What...but...I...he..." Dash looks at me, then nearly crashes into a wall as she takes flight and flees the restaurant.
"Oh, don't worry Jake, I'm sure she doesn't really have feelings for you. This was just a little bit of vengeance for her prank last year. You know, the one she and Pinkie Pie played on me." She giggles mischievously to herself. "Though, she may start to examine her feelings for you now."
"I sure hope not. So, how did you prank Pinkie-" Suddenly, Rarity's horn starts to glow, and my mouth becomes impossible to open.
"Shh!” she hisses, eyes frantic. “She'll hear you, and then she'll begin preparing a counter prank for something I'm not even planning."
"Don't be silly, Rarity! I'm always planning pranks." Pinkie says, bursting out from under the table and taking Dash's seat. She giggles back, as Rarity sits with her own mouth zipped. "Nice prank on Dashie by the way! I mean really, Dashie and Jake, together!"
She laughs some more, then suddenly she gasps. Rubbing her hooves together, she begins smiling evilly. "Oh, I can't wait for the next time Dashie and Jake are together!" Then she drops to the floor, rolling onto her back and kicking her legs in the air, her rib cage exposing itself as the air repeatedly leaves her lungs and the restaurant fills with her ringing laughter.
I peek down at Pinkie as she continues, trying very hard to keep from rolling my eyes.
The party pony looks up to see me watching her, then smirks. "See anything you like?"
My head meets the table with a solid thunk. "No, Pinkie. I don't."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks, standing up. She’s clearly straining to keep her face straight, her lip quivers as she forces it into a pout. "What's Rainbow got that I don't?"
With my face still to the table, I respond, "Neither of you have anything that I personally would find attractive." I groan and rub my temples. “Maybe come back when you’re older - and more humanoid.”
Pinkie gives up her charade and returns to her seat. “Why don’t you just turn yourself into a pony?” she squeaks.
I glance up at her from the table, eyebrow lifted. “No, thank you.”
Rarity huffs. "And what would be so bad about being a pony?"
"I didn't mean to say it like that,” I flinch under her glare. “I just like myself the way I am."
"Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie giggles, saluting me and skipping out of the restaurant.
I sit up and look at Rarity. “Could you explain to me why it feels like there’s about to be some species bending?”
"Well, she is Pinkie Pie after all," she responds, rubbing her hooves with the sanitizer, preparing to dig in. “She very well could be planning something.”
Suddenly, a great ringing echoes around us. Somewhere, giant bells are being sounded.
Rarity’s ears perk up and she drops a shimmering fork. “Those are the alarm bells at Sweet Apple Acres. We must go assist the farm!”
With my stomach still grumbling, I roll my eyes once more before following her out.
~~~~~
"Attention! This is a Sweet Apple Acres code red! I need all hooves – and claws – on deck!"
I amble up to the group, bent forward, clutching my sides, and catching my breath. I'm not built for sprinting.
Rarity is the first to comment. "Calm down, Applejack."
"Calm down?! How can I calm down at a time like this?! Vampire fruit bats are attackin' Sweet Apple Acres!"
Vampire fruit bats?
"But I thought the fruit bats usually stayed put in the west orchard,” Twilight says, confused and concerned.
"The fruit bats do,” AJ responds, pacing back and forth. “But these aren't just your everyday ordinary fruit bats. They're vampire fruit bats!" Still not understanding, I look to Rarity. But her pouted lips and crinkled brow suggest she has no idea what Applejack's talking about either.
Even so, the farm pony continues. "I'll be darned if they think they're gonna sink their fangs into my blue ribbon apple!” With pride, she shows us to a gigantic red apple, so big that it bends the trunk of the tree it hangs from, and so shiny we have to shield our eyes, well I don't I'm focusing on the Window's logo shining on its side, holding back laughter at the irony. "This here's our entry into the Appleloosa State Fair's produce competition. You know how much TLC goes into getting an apple to grow like this?"
While the other ponies admire the enormous fruit, Fluttershy steps forward, timid as usual.
"Oh, I'm sure if we just let them know how special that particular apple is to you, they'll leave it alone."
Applejack and I share a look before she says what's on both our minds. "Yeah, right. Be my guest." However, Fluttershy smiles, so confident in herself. She flies into a nearby infested tree. This can only go so well.
Before long, she returns, brushing apple seeds out of her mane.
"Well? What'd he say?"
"Um...yes." AJ gasped at the good news, a grin spreading across her cheeks. "But...it could've been a no." Her smile disappears just as quickly. Fluttershy frowns too, apologetic. "This is the first vampire fruit bat I've ever met and, well, it might take some time for me to really understand their language."
"Uh-huh. And in the meantime, this pest and his vermin friends are gonna go after my prized apple and, while they're at it, every other apple in the orchard!" Fluttershy listens quietly, an argument on her mind but unable to be spoken. "These vampire bats are nothin' but a bunch of monsters!"
"Monsters?!" she finally responds. "Oh, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?" My mind goes to the shape shifter, and even to Shade, and suddenly I start to see Fluttershy's side of things.
"No, I do not," Applejack responds, however.
They start up some musical number, then, so I allow myself to drift off in my own thoughts. It was by the end of their song that I had a sudden realization.
"Lyra's the one that's in love with me!" After I say it, I search around me frantically, all too aware of her stalking tendencies.
Rainbow Dash breaks out in hysterics over my seemingly random outburst. I look at her with contempt for a moment, before I smirk. "Clearly someone's forgotten her actions this morning."
She stands straight, mouth open, ready to argue with me. Unable to find a defense, though, she blows her hair out of her face and says, "Fine, I'll drop it."
We refocus on the Applejack issue.
"-Granny says we lost a huge section of orchard that year. They had to ration out apples all winter!"
Dash's face fills with worry. "What about the cider? There was still cider, right?"
"Not...a...drop."
Suddenly the activist of the group, Dash jumps into the air, a scowl on her face. "We need to round up these monsters, and we need to do it now!"
Applejack nods, eager to begin. I'll have to keep this in mind: don't get between Applejack and her apples. And if I'm ever the reason for a decrease in cider, I'd better watch out for Rainbow Dash, who still hovers angrily above us, glaring into the trees. Fluttershy hides behind her mane, defeated.
"Alright everypony, let's go to the library!"
"You serious?" my attention turns to Twilight, and I contort my face in misery. "I just recovered from the sprint to get here!"
"Well I need to go look up the spell first," she says. But the real question is...what spell?
I turn and start to walk away, not really interested. "Well, have fun. It seems you've got this well in hoof. I'll just go wander around town."
"Keep an eye out for Lyra!" Dash cries, snapping out of her vengeful state.
I scowl at her. "I thought you were going to drop it!"
Without responding, she and four of the others charge past, blanketing me in a cloud of dust. I stand there coughing for a moment, then open my eyes to see Rarity waiting.
"Be at the boutique at seven o'clock sharp tonight. I need you to help me with the second part of my prank on Dash." Her serious face tells me that this rendezvous is not optional.
"What if I don't show up?" I start walking off, rolling my eyes.
She trots in front of me, stopping me in my tracks. "Then I'll be sending a certain unicorn some love letters from a certain human." She gives me a devious smile.
"You wouldn't." Her face doesn't change.
"You couldn't!" Still no change. I slap my hand over my eyes. "You are evil! Fine, I'll show up for your stupid prank."
On my walk back into town, I can’t help but notice how the residents watch me a little closer than usual, hoping that the shape shifter side of me doesn't wake up and try to assert control. At least that's what I can assume they're thinking. Maybe they think of me as a new bad luck charm or something.
I cut through the market, looking at the shops. Not much catches my eye: there's food, novelty items, and other things for sale. I see a few familiar ponies, and one pony who, I'm utterly convinced, has a familiar looking cutie mark. It reminds me of a mish mash of video game symbols from back home; it has a circular green power symbol surrounded by blue and orange squares and there are two wings coming off of it, one red and one blue. I wonder for a moment at what the mark could symbolize, but then I decide just to continue on my merry way.
Not really in any particular hurry, I stop at one of the wooden benches strewn throughout the town and take a seat. What could Rarity be up to for tonight? I look around and see Lyra and Bon Bon standing nearby, talking and occasionally glancing over at me. Lyra seems rather depressed - maybe that prank did more good than I thought. I mean, it's not good that she's depressed. But at least I might not have to deal with her stalking me anymore. I look over there again to see Bon Bon’s eyes dart between Lyra and myself. Suddenly, she gets a smug look on her face, and Lyra starts begging at her feet. I can't hear what’s going on between them, but with the way Bon Bon is looking at me, it can't be good for my well-being.
I've got to get out of here. Not wasting any time, I get up and start toward the library.
~~~~~
Precisely at seven o’clock, I stand at the entrance to the Carousel Boutique, hands tucked into my pockets. I really don't want to be here. I reach out one hand out and knock on the door. It opens to reveal Rarity standing with her sewing glasses on the tip of her nose, and the crusaders and Shade all dressed up like little waitresses behind her. If I didn't have even the slightest idea of what was going on, I'd probably have smiled at the admittedly adorable sight. But this is a prank, and something is surely up. Is that spaghetti I smell? Garlic bread, too?
Well, maybe it won’t be all that bad. "Hello Jake,” Rarity purrs. “I'm glad to see you could make it - and so punctually. Good, that means you have time."
"Time for what?" I look at her somewhat confused.
"Why, for you to slip into this." She opens a curtain in the back of the room, showing a mannequin dressed in an elaborate tuxedo. My jaw hangs open as I watch it sparkle. No way, no effing way.
"Hurry up, hurry up, Dash will be here soon, and I need you prepared."
"Prepared for what?!" I cry, eyes still stuck on the suit.
She gives me a sly smile. "Oh, you'll see at seven thirty."
"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"
Her smile grows even larger. "As I said, you'll see at seven thirty."
I've entered the home of either a madpony or an evil genius.
Either way, at seven thirty, I’m sitting at a small table, in front of a plate of spaghetti, garlic bread, two forks, and Rainbow Dash. Like me and my tux, Rarity forced her into a tight dress with slits down the thighs. She also has her mane styled up, in a clear attempt by Rarity to make her look flirtatious. However, her face looks very similar to mine: shocked, embarrassed...I’m sure we’re both wishing we were anywhere but here. I think I'd even take a dream with giant Luna right now.
Rarity and the crusaders sit at their own table with their own plates. The rule is, Dash and I are only allowed to eat from our shared plate at the same time, in Rarity’s hopes of slurping the same noodle, like in that Disney movie, Lady and the Tramp. My stomach growls, but I won’t give in. I swear Shade even has a camera.
I hear Dash’s stomach groan, too, and to my dismay, she rolls her eyes.
“Look, I’m hungry,” she states. She picks up her fork and glances at me, tentatively.
I sigh and grab my fork. Together, we start toward the spaghetti. The forks plunge into the pasta and we pull the noodles to our mouths. We start slurping them down, and our luck seems to be holding. Then we notice one particular noodle, and that's when we start sweating, looking up at each other with our faces full of terror, embarrassment, and apology.
~~~~~
I find myself panting once again as I run up to the group. Seems something is still going on even after yesterday’s solution. I look around the frustrated ponies, and find Dash standing behind Pinkie Pie. When our eyes meet, her cheeks redden and she turns away.
Twilight looks at the mushy remains of a shriveled apple. "The spell didn't work!"
"You're darn tootin' the spell didn't work!” Applejack replies. “I think we're gonna have to take more extreme measures!"
Snapping out of her embarrassment, Rainbow Dash bursts into the air. "I hear ya, Applejack! C'mon, everypony! Let's track down those vampire bats!"
I follow the angry ponies to a part of the orchard where giant, furry bats are fluttering around.
"Wait a minute... I don't think these bats are the ones that sucked my apples dry," Applejack says, watching the placid bats incredulously.
Rainbow holds a bright red apple up to the creatures, and everypony gasps as one simply slaps it out of her hoof, impaling it on Rarity’s horn.
Strangely, she doesn’t seem upset at all by the sudden splash of apple juice on her mane. "But if the vampire bats aren't eating your apples..." she starts.
The ponies look at each other, confused. Meanwhile, uninterested, I begin plotting a little revenge.
“We’ll have to catch whoever it is in the act,” Twilight says, while I rub my knuckles.
“And how do you propose we do that?” the unsuspecting unicorn asks.
"A stakeout!" Twilight grins in reply. I let out the tiniest evil laugh. Oh yes. This is going to be good.
~~~~~
Dash is either really excited about our upcoming vengeance or actually a bit spooked. “The witching hour,” she wails, trying to scare us. But then a wolf howls in the distance, and even her fur stands on end.
"Maybe we should just call this off,” Fluttershy whispers. “Not sure about the rest of you guys, but I'm really hungry..."
She begins staring at a nearby apple, and I laugh. “Sure, Fluttershy. You’re not even a little scared?” She doesn’t seem to hear me, though. Just keeps her eyes on the apple.
"Oh, Fluttershy, it'll be okay,” Rarity steps up, knocking her out of her strange stupor. “Don't forget, darling, we're all in this together."
"But she didn't say she was scared, just hungry. Surprisingly." The look on Rarity's face assures me that she is also starting to ponder Fluttershy's sentence.
"Does everypony have their pony signals?” Applejack asks. In reponse, Pinkie pulls a flashlight out of her mane and shines it, cheerily. “Now remember, Pinkie Pie, only use the signal if you see somethin' suspicious."
With an absent smile, Pinkie shines the flashlight in AJ’s eyes, and as she winces, I can’t help but laugh.
"Alright,” Applejack says, rubbing her eyes, “now everypony split up. We'll each patrol our own row of the orchard. Whoever or whatever's destroyin' my apples has gotta be here somewhere."
We all start to head out, when a small movement catches my eye. Hey, I completely forgot Spike was here!
I continue to wander, starting to drift off in thought. "How am I gonna scare Rarity? Ooh, maybe I should shift into a..." Something rustles in the bushes and then something swift and shadowy flies by. "Or maybe I have more important things to worry about!"
I go to ready my own flashlight only to find it gone. Did I really leave it at the treehouse? Looking up, I glimpse a three apple signal. "So Applejack found something. That’s comforting, I suppose." I rush off in the direction of the light, leaving behind whatever creature I had just encountered.
In a small clearing in the orchard, I reconvene with the other ponies. With an open mouth, Applejack stares up into a tree. When I follow her gaze, I see - hanging from a branch - Pinkie Pie and a mutated Fluttershy.
"Yoo-hoo! Fluttershy!" Pinkie squeals, shining her flashlight on her friend. The new and somewhat improved Fluttershy hisses at Pinkie, causing her to leap out of the tree.
"That's not Fluttershy... That's Flutterbat!" Rarity cries, seemingly horrified and repulsed by Fluttershy's condition.
“I'd still scratch her ears." Everypony gives me a deadpan look. "What? She's still kinda adorable."
“I thought you only liked humans,” Rarity teases.
I furrow my brow. “Are we really going to talk about that right now?”
“You brought it up!”
"No I didn't, I just said she looked kind of adorable!"
Twilight interrupts our argument. "We've got to get her down from there!"
"Are you kidding? Fangs that size could go straight through one of my fingers."
"Uh... Fluttershy, sweetness, please come down,” Rarity pleads. “And... do stop being a vampire bat."
The ponies all try different tactics to get her down, but Pinkie Pie has something else in mind. She starts digging herself into a hole, telling us to run for our lives.
“You know she’s only interested in fruit, right?” I say, kneeling down to look at her.
"For now she is,” the frightened pony replies. “What if she wants a different kind of juice later, though?"
I stare at her for a moment. “Yeah, I can’t argue with you on that.”
As she digs further into the ground, Twilight begins to explain what happened to Fluttershy. I glance up at the vampire pony, who’s sucking on another apple.
Suddenly, though, she lifts into the air and charges at us. "Hit the deck!" Rainbow cries. We watch as she takes off in another direction.
Pinkie Pie points a hoof at the shrinking Fluttershy. "Follow that bat!"
We run after her, only to lose her in the trees. Soon enough, though, she begins her aerial assault again, leaving hoards of dried apples as casualties.
She swoops down on us again and again, until finally Twilight comes up with a plan.
Standing in front of Applejack’s blue ribbon apple, holding mirrors, we wait for the bat to arrive.
At last, it does. As it swoops at the apple, Applejack waits for the last moment, then kicks to reveal Spike’s only contribution to this entire adventure. As poor Fluttershy scurries from mirror to mirror, Twilight takes her chance to hit her with a beam of light, which shrouds her in a swirling magic curtain. Once it disappears, everypony is delighted to find that Fluttershy is finally back to normal.
"Oh... where am I?" Pinkie Pie hops up to the confused pony, and as she tries to explain what just happened, Fluttershy only ends up more and more lost.
"I tried to eat ponies?!"
"Of course not!"
"So I wasn't a vampire?"
"Yes!"
"Yes I was, or yes I wasn't?"
I turn away from them, my head starting to hurt. Then Dash flies over to me. "We completely forgot about getting revenge on Rarity!"
I facepalm once again. I’m going to get a bruise on my forehead one day.