Small room.
White walls.
Iron door.
Barred window.
Sink.
Bed.
Toilet.
None of that should be here. That the 'here' shouldn't exist is more of a problem though. Perhaps looking out of the window might explain something... do I care? I am here. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be anywhere anymore.
I'm sitting on the bed, hind legs wrapped in a blanket.
"At least it's warm in here," I mumble.
The bed is comfortable but the longer I'm awake the more the little gears in my head turn. The world suddenly becomes a puzzle to be solved again.
*Sigh*
I get up, regretting leaving the warm cocoon as my hooves touch the colder floor.
*Clip clop scratch scratch.*
"What?" I look downwards.
I should have four hooves. Why do I have a set of talons on each of my front legs?
Quickly tapping my face, careful not to put an eye out with the unknown appendages, I breathe out in relief.
Relief... do I really care what's going on? Maybe it's just the knowledge that things are like they used to be, the calm feeling of familiarity.
Well, I still have a muzzle so I'm not a griffon. I still have hooves on my hind legs so everything is fine. I'm just some sort of unholy abomination of nature, no problem there.
Shuffling to the window, can't pick up any reasonable pace, vision blurry, pressing my muzzle against the cold glass.
There's a city outside. Tall buildings made of steel and glass, shattered, broken, reduced to rubble as far as my crappy eyes can see. If I were to be honest, I would say all I see is some sort of weird, blurry forest of thick, grey, rectangular trees.
I don't need to see to know where I am though. I've been here before. Not 'here' here but in the city. Princess Luna told me once this was the inner landscape of my mind. The city of Manehattan torn apart by earthquakes, tornadoes, and fires, left alone and empty. Somehere out there should be a campsite where I managed to clear out the rubble, pitch a tent, and start bringing some sense into my life.
I failed.
"And nopony was surprised, nor did anypony care," I mumble and grin to myself. Experimentally, I try to telekinetically rattle the window. Not a twitch. Another tap, this time on my forehead, reveals that I, in fact, don't have a horn.
As I scratch my head, something the newfound talons make super effective and easy, a bit of bronze-colored fur falls out.
"Clean-up in aisle five, pleeease," I croak in the most official voice my dry throat can muster.
"Yes, boss," I salute, pick the few strands up and flush them down the sink.
A drink is refreshing but serves mostly to accentuate how hungry I really am. Well, starving inside my own mind might sound like a terrible thing but I've been through worse. Facing evil forces, suppressing dark gods invading my head, losing those I thought were close to me and would never betray me-
The world shakes and several still standing buildings outside tilt. With geological slowness they crack, bend, and tear everything in the path of their fall.
- all that is just a fraction of what happened to me.
This is my reward, a cell inside my own head.
At least it's warm and clean and, if I'm correct, my stay here won't be long.
*Click*
Keys rattle from the door and I look away from the window, now simply bored when the solution to where I am has been found. The 'why' should be answered soon enough if I'm any judge of the situation. To be precise, the 'why am I not dead?' why.
"Heavy Hoof?" I squint at the white and blue blur opening the door. Yeah, it's an earthpony of godlike proportions with long, blue mane and long fur of the same colour around his fetlocks, "You-you shouldn't be here. What are you doing here? You should be out there in the real world, not here wasting time with me."
That much effort put into talking makes my vision hazy - correction, even hazier than before - and I have to stop and take a deep breath. It's okay, he can't really be here. This Heavy Hoof is just a construct of my mind.
"Nonsense, it is us wardens' duty to protect the patients. Either from others... or from themselves."
"Our?" I stumble but his strong hoof helps me stay steady.
I don't mind seeing Heavy here. It's understandable he'd be in my head. If there ever was somepony who made an impression on me it's him. I wanted to be like him - honest, strong, open, friendly, and able to deal with anything. Unfortunately, during the four years I've known him I just managed to be me, a useless coward who got lucky higher amount of times than his IQ was.
"I'm not the only one working here, of course," Heavy ruffles my mane.
I'm sure he isn't, that's not the problem. That one lies in whether or not I want to meet any of those who are surely around.
Unfortunately, it's not my choice. The second 'warden' walks into the room and I hang my head, trying to avoid eye contact.
The pure white griffon enters, holding a leash. Even though I can't see his emerald green eyes I know they have to be drilling into me. Or possibly not... this is the inside of my head so who knows how everpony is going to behave.
"The head psychiatrist wants to see you, Blaze," says Heavy when the tether is fastened around my neck, "It's time for him to make you feel better."
"About myself?" I snicker, "Not going to happen, Heavy."
"All of us just want you to get better," says the griffon patronizingly.
It's not as if I need to watch what I'm saying. As far as I'm concerned I'm dead and all this is just my rapidly fading consciousness. Not that I have the strength to be angry.
"Well, Cromach, that was working until you and Chokey decided I sucked so much ass that you had to leave me... to fight against the Nightmare - you know, Discord, Harmony, Nightmare, those omnipotent guys - alone."
Suppress. Suppress. Suppress. Don't start crying. Unimportant. Don't remember how scared you felt. Don't think about the dark whispers in your head. Don't think about a horde of undead homing on you. Don't think about Nightmare taking over your body.
It's all over. I won. There was a price but that was small compared to what I gave everypony. Safety, peace, tomorrow. It doesn't matter I gave mine up.
"We've always been with you. You didn't forget about us and everything you did was influenced by us. We will help you as many times as you need."
Pfff, too bad. My body got destroyed, I was in the waiting room of sweet oblivion, and when Harmony gave me a chance to return I gave up and refused. There was nothing to return to aside from you...
...a memory I had of you.
"Let's get this over with. I don't care about whatever this is. You are not real, I am not real anymore. This place isn't real," my legs tremble and strength leaves my body. It's getting harder and harder to even stand. Perhaps I should lie down, close my eyes, and maybe I won't wake up anymore. One can only hope.
I turn away and take few wobbly steps towards the bed.
Heavy and Crom exchange glances and a tug on my leash stops me.
"We can't let you hurt yourself again," Cromach grabs me with his talons and puts me on Heavy's back.
For a moment, just a tiny moment, I remember how much I miss him doing that - just picking me up, cuddling with me, falling asleep with his wings wrapped around me. The fraction of a second is enough though.
Perhaps I made a mistake. Maybe coming back was a good idea. After all, I've forgiven ponies for worse things done to me. Heh, forgiving them was easy. After all, they hurt me of all ponies so not much harm done, not much sympathy wasted.
"Perhaps you should work on forgiving yourself?" says a different voice which wakes me up from my dizzy slumber.
I'm lying on a therapy sofa in a comfortable looking office. The imaginary wardens must have brought me here to see the 'head' psychiatrist.
"Since when do I have a headcracking degree?" I sneer at the unicorn sitting behind a mahagony desk with mess of papers covering it.
Pink eyes lock with mine and the blue-maned, black unicorn sighs.
"You've always had an interest in psychology. You wanted to understand ponies. You wanted to see how they worked through logic and not emotions, like machines. You were a scared colt who grew into a terrified stallion and to cope with that you kept killing your own fear until it was too late. The fear you got rid of was fear for your life. You built a wall around yourself nopony could get over and you broke into pieces while cursing loneliness. Ironic, isn't it?"
"Not really, I just got what I deserved," I sit up and look hard at Mistake, "Listen, why is this happening? I decided that I wanted peace more than anything, that I didn't want to return to the world of living. Why am I here? Is this some sort of final self-judgement before I go to Tartarus or what?"
Mistake stands up from behind his desk, walks past my therapy couch, and straight to a tall mirror.
"The answer to that is simple, yet not surprising. Come here and have a look."
"Damn," I force myself to stand and curse when my new talons rip the couch, "Does breaking stuff here give me a nosebleed or something?"
"Honestly," Mistake grins, "I think a little drain bamage might only do you good."
I look into the mirror, having to almost plant my face into it to make out the details. What looks back is a pony-ish thing. My face is there all right but there are significant differences.
My blonde mane is now threaded with silvery grey, something which a pony of my age definitely shouldn't even know about.
"You have experienced horrors that only few can understand. Your 'body' reflects your experiences and memories," Mistake taps my back with his hoof but his reflection doesn't appear in the mirror.
I don't really look older, just more 'derelict'. Wreck of a mind, wreck of a life, wreck of a body. Speaking of a breakdown, I focus on random patches of shorter fur in my bronze coat. They itch a little and when I scratch one few strands of hair fall out.
"This one is a little weird. I thought it was happening because you held the stolen power of two gods but that wasn't it. I have a theory what it might be though."
"Enlighten me," I say with way too apparent lack of interest, "After all, you seem to be under the impression that it makes a difference."
"I hate to burst your protective bubble of sarcasm... who am I kidding, I love to break your stupid ideas," Mistake smiles widely and takes a deep breath, "Let me ask you something first. Why do you think your fate is in your hooves? I mean talons now."
The slow realization dawns.
"No. No. No. No. No-"
Damn gods! Damn everything! Why don't I get a say in what happens to me?
"-Why would she do that? She gave me a choice. SHE TOLD ME WHAT I WANTED MATTERED!"
I don't care that my talons are ripping the brown carpet of the office to shreds. The bile of helplessness rising in my stomach is reflected in the mirror and all I see is a bronze hippogriff silently opening his mouth full of sharp teeth, shaking in sync with the tremors of the world outside breaking.
"Yes," Mistake pulls earplugs out of his ears, "and you chose wrong."
"That doesn't matter. Harmony told me that I would get what I wanted. Finally, I would get what I was fighting for all that time. I would be... gone. My reward..."
"Perhaps what you believe you wanted wasn't what you really wanted. Perhaps, work with me here a little, there was a small part of you which realized that under all that imprinted inevitability of failure you believe in there was a tiny chance of things working out for you."
"Youuuuuuuu!" I hiss.
"I'm just a part of you."
"YOUUUUUUUU!" I swipe with my talons at Mistake.
Heavy weight lands on my back and a set of hooves carefully but firmly holds me down. Looking at Mistake's hooves with my muzzle in the carpet, I don't stop growling.
"Nurse!" Mistake calls.
"Coming!" comes from out of the office. I freeze as the door clicks open.
"You dirty bastard! Don't drag her into this!" I groan as the hooves on my back prevent any real movement.
"Why? Why shouldn't I use the only pony who has ever succeeded in stopping your insane death wish?"
"SHE DESERVES BETTER!"
"Don't be silly. She's shallow, selfish, and not even that good-looking. The only reason she's here is that she's the only mare of your age who has ever said something kind to you."
"What did you say?" I ask, rage turning into cold ice.
"That she's as bad as you. Simple, really. You two are a perfect match and the griffon who left you just because you turned into a changeling is a great third member of the relationship."
"Stop insulting them or I'll-"
"Nurse, calm him down."
I tense, expecting a needle in the neck or something forced down my throat. A second set of black hooves appears and a muzzle brushes my ear.
"I need you so don't take yourself away from me, please," the killing blow comes.
My struggle against the hooves holding me down is instantly over. I would have listened to anything she said, perhaps grumbled a little, but this was a low blow. As I stop moving the hooves immobilizing me help me back up. I don't look at her, I don't have the strength to. Instead, I turn back to the mirror. As expected, the only reflection there is me standing in an empty office.
"Calmed down a little?" Mistake asks.
"Still steaming."
"I'm simply repeating what you've been told once already."
"Huh? I don't remember... I would have punched anypony talking that bad about Chokey."
"Void told you when you first appeared in this world."
The alicorn of Death once told me I was the only pony thinking so highly about her and pondered whether or not she was worthy of me, not the other way around. Needless to say, I didn't listen at the time. Has anything changed?
*Sigh*
"Just for that, I'm giving you a second chance," I focus on the image in the mirror again and try to spot the differences. Few bronze strands litter the carpet under me.
"As I said, I have a theory. You can't handle the tension, the stress, and so can't your body. You are breaking yourself unconsciously."
"I am an oasis of peace, I mean rage, but definitely not stress. I'm not scared of anything, how can I be stressed?"
"Says the half-pony who suffered a meltdown few seconds ago."
"That was pure, unbridled fury, not stress."
"Yes. Answer me, what is rage? More exactly, why are you angry?"
"Because a god screwed me over, just like the other two before?"
"Would you be angry if you could just say to Harmony to go screw herself and ignore whatever she wanted?"
"Hmmm... no, actually no. I would have laughed and not listened to her."
"Then aren't you just angry because you are powerless? If you weren't there would be no need for anger as you would just do what you wanted."
"Point taken. Good analysis. What's the outcome though?"
"Are you really mad at Harmony?"
"Of course-"
I am not. Mistake notices the short pause.
*Siiiiigh*
"-not."
"Yes, you've never been the type to be mad at others. All the time it was - 'if only I was better' or 'I should have done things differently' without ever accepting that sometimes ponies are just assholes. You are an extreme egoist," he points a hoof at me.
"Whaaaaat? I've never put myself forward or anything. That's utter bullcrap!"
"Not in that way."
"Explain, brain."
"Everything that happens is your fault, everypony's pain is your doing, everypony around you is unhappy because YOU are not good enough. Guess what drove Chokey away? The fact that SHE couldn't handle YOU growing up while she just remained the same old irresponsible bat, you trying to shoulder the responsbility for everything. How is that your fault?"
"I... I could have been more tactful, made her think she was better?"
"In other words, lied to her."
"Positive reinforcement."
"Lies."
"White lies?"
"You've never believed in those."
"I'm starting to," I put a hoof- talons- leg- arm up, "I'm out of arguments. I gotta give you this one."
"I know, that wasn't the point."
"Hm?"
"I know I am right. You are the one dancing around the subject and clinging to the wall of illusions you built around yourself. It's just important for you to admit it, the metaphorical first step."
It's very annoying when the little voice in your head that's always right gets a semi-physical body and starts kicking your ass.
"So I'm angry at myself for things far out of my control."
"If only it was that simple."
"I should have guessed you weren't done talking."
"Done?" Mistake facehoofs, "We haven't even started. If this was a trip to a cinema in Canterlot you'd be just now buying overpriced popcorn. No, the point is that you indeed messed a lot of easy stuff up and you are right to be mad at yourself for it. The thing is everypony does that and they get over it while you never let go and make it fester inside and just like that we're right where we started. You need to forgive yourself and spark a little love for your own existence before anypony else can truly love you."
"I... I can't. I did terrible things. I caused ponies to live through atrocities they never should have. I killed, I murdered, I lied, I cheated. I became exactly what I've hated my whole life."
"I, I, I, I. There it is again."
"How would you put it then?"
"None of that happened because you wanted it to. Everything you got involved in was started by higher forces with their own goals. You stopped things from getting worse most of the time and THEY wanted more and more. In simple terms, you played the cards you were dealt."
"Are you trying to get me rid of the guilt by blaming others?"
"Not in the slightest. I'm just putting things into perspective."
As much as I try not to, I feel I'm losing ground here.
"I'm not gonna just let things go."
"You... have to. Still, I feel that what's bothering you isn't what happened after you had moved to Canterlot. I believe the problem is much much older."
"What does that have to do with the price of zap apples? My family is gone so there's no reason for me to bother with younger me."
"Oh dear."
"If that's supposed to calm me down then you're failing miserably."
"You don't remember what Discord told you in the desert..."
"Well, I was in extreme agony when my almost immortal body got chewed up by a dragon first, then fell down from the sky, and then spent weeks regenerating and rotting at the same time. You know? Up until then I didn't even think there was something as extreme agony, I thought the dial went pain-excruciating pain-agony. Wroooong yet again. You know the worst part? The pain would be fine after first week but the damn ITCHING! It kept going and going and going and going-"
"Should I call nurse Chokey to give you a hug?"
"Should I punch you in the face?"
"Not in your power at the moment. Well, back to the topic at hoof. Your father is alive. The first step towards letting go might be finding him."
"No."
"But-"
"N.O."
"You ran away from home! The only time he saw you after that was when you were wrapped in bandages with machines breathing and crapping for you."
"YES! AND EVEN THEN HE SAID THE THING IN THE INFIRMARY ROOM WASN'T HIS SON!"
"Why are you angry again? Think before answering. At least show me this little talk was tiny a bit useful."
"At him! He was a shitty father, terrible leader, and a braindead racist."
"Look into the mirror-"
I look at the hippogriff looking back.
"-the metaphorical one this time."
"Oh, the 'angry at myself' one. Well, I was a useless son. Not strong, not smart, not skilled."
"Now for the important question - why are you angry at yourself?"
"Because I can't do anything about it! I can't go back and be a better son. I can't go back, join some sort of fight club, and kick his ass whenever he got drunk and yelled at me. All I can do now when I'm far stronger than he's ever been is smash his skull to paste and what good that would be? The worst thing is that I can't make a hardheaded idiot like him see that it was his fault that killed my brother and my mother. I can't make HIM admit he made a mistake."
"Why is that important? Do you want to make him a better pony?"
"OF COURSE! He's my family and he'd have a much better rest of his life if he just learned to listen."
"You love so hard it hurts and from great love the greatest pain comes."
"Save it. I don't believe anymore he can see the light. I want to never see him again."
"Why-"
"DAMMIT! Stop asking 'why?' like a little foal."
"-do you think it's up to you to make him into a better pony? Again, you need to learn to let go otherwise," he points at the fur on the carpet, "it will consume you."
Breathing as if I've just finished a quick sprint, I grit my teeth.
"Mirror - teeth."
"There's still a lot you need to know before-"
"Mirror - teeth!"
"Don't try to run away again!"
"MIRROR - TEETH!"
The world trembles and Mistake looks around, eyes wide. He hangs his head and sighs again.
"Harmony made your body mirror the lessons you've been through just so you don't forget. The sharp fangs are from when you were transformed into a changeling by Chrysalis. The rest, believe it or not, is a standard muzzle of a hippogriff. From what you've heard they are omnivores."
I nod. There aren't many offspring of griffons and ponies but there's enough of them for me to have at least heard of them. Mostly from my father... wondering how a pony could fornicate with 'griffon filth'. Unicorn supremacists, am I right?
I don't need Mistake explaining the nature of streaks of black fur in my coat in places where the seams in changeling chitinous armor would be. That one is fairly simple. Neither do I need an explanation why, while my entire coat is bronze-coloured, my left front leg - arm, dammit! - is black.
"To remind you of the prosthesis you got when mirror world Applejack ripped your leg off," Mistake explains when my gaze lingers there a little longer.
"I got that one, thank you. I suppose my lack of a horn is to remember her breaking it off as well?"
"Actually, it is not. Harmony took your magic away from you because you lost who you were thanks to it."
"Not understanding but mildly curious."
"Same reason why you're fatter than when you served in the Nightguard. You got way too used to stealing somepony else's magic and using it for yourself. You lost the little things that made you you when you got hold of the power of the gods."
"Still a bit lost."
"Tell me, when was the last time you punched somepony?"
"Oh."
"Yes. The little unicorn who shunned magic and loved martial arts disappeared, lost within forces he didn't understand. You still have your naturally obscene magic resistance though. It's not all that bad though."
"I'm not too keen on having to learn to write with my talons and using mouth is inconvenient."
"Lazy ass. I'm still a part of you and I'm still a unicorn."
"Levitation?"
"Yep!"
"Counterspells?"
"Indeed. Not just that. Blink!"
I blink. Things are weird. I'm not sure how but something feels off.
Both eyes open. Normal.
Both eyes closed. Blind as a bat.
Right eye closed. Nothing changes.
Left eye closed.
"Whoa!"
The world is black but all items, edges, and even Mistake are sharply silhouetted by white lines.
"The memory of the spell you created to help you when you were blind. It is coupled with your special talent and can see through illusions and magical effects. Unfortunately, the real memory of your blindness leaves you with quite bad eyesight. Sorry about that."
"You say as if it was your fault."
Mistake scratches his head.
"Sort of. We're a unique split personality, you and me, and when Harmony gave you your choice... she also gave me mine. My answer was that you were a moron and she should listen only to me."
"So it's your fault I'm inevitably going back... out there."
"Yes."
"I'm not amused."
"I gathered that but... do you want to hear why you are a hippogriff?"
"Before I hippog-rip your head off? Please, go on."
"Might be less painful than THAT. Once again, you are too weak to do that-"
The building shakes as I bare my fangs.
"-oooor maybe you're getting stronger. Think! Why would I want you to be a part griffon, part pony?"
There is only one possible reason. Too bad Mistake is dead wrong. Both of them decided they didn't want to be around me anymore.
"Do you," I try to fake a smile as I stutter, "Do you really believe there is hope for us? No lies, no pretense. Do you really think there is some possibility of us being happy?"
"Yes, I do," the black unicorn says warmly.
I try to imagine myself seeing Chokey again, kissing her and Cromach, thanking Heavy Hoof for standing by my side...
...but I can't. There just isn't a place for me with them.
"I wish I could believe it," I mumble.
"We'll just have to take it step by step. By the way, why didn't you ask about your wings?"
"Don't care. Not flying. Ever. Life or death situation? I choose death instead of the 'possible splat' option."
The mere thought of me even looking from a first floor window makes my legs wobble. My wings are just for decoration as far as I'm concerned.
"Also, hippogriffs have different genitalia," Mistake coughs and whistles an innocent tune.
Smaller, I notice.
"Pfff, as if there was ever a chance of me using it aside from..." I look at my talons, something I didn't have as a pony. They are surprisingly agile and grabby, "Do you think I can make imaginary nurse Chokey pose for me a little?"
"Would you do that in real life?"
"Heck no!"
"Then I doubt you're going to do it here."
"I hate you," I state matter-of-factly.
"Angry hate?"
"Nope, just tired hate."
"I can make her and Crom give you a shower," Mistake grins.
"Interested again."
Mistake walks to the door of his office and knocks on it three times.
"The patient is done for today. Cromach, Choking, take him to the showers, please."
Perhaps Mistake isn't that bad. He's always been on my side even though we don't see eye-to-eye all the time. A bit of time sandwiched between a wet batpony and a muscular griffon can only do me good.
I rethink my improving mood as they lead me to a square room with padded floor, walls, and a grate in the middle. Cromach leaves and several seconds later reappears holding the nozzle of a hose.
Freezing water hits me like a cannonball.
I take everything back. Mistake's an asshole.