//------------------------------//
// I Hate Fetch Quests 
// Story: Woundsalt, Mother Bucker. 
// by OneUppington 
//------------------------------//

“Oh don’t bother, sir.” Says the colt behind the café counter as I pull out my card. “For you it’s on the house.”
“Alright. Thank you.” I sigh. Another opportunity to be slightly less rich down the bucking drain. Well, it’s a café in the renter side of town… Should I be surprised that ponies want to give me free stuff around here?
I walk back to Page Presser. Something tells me he heard that the coffee’s free. I’m sorry, did I say something? I meant his smugness. “The price of fame is paying for nothing. Who would have thought?”
“Like you can talk. What’s the biggest thing you got free from a member of the Page Pack?”
“A few of them chipped in to make a two-story doghouse for Satchmo.” He shrugs. “It’s nice, but he prefers his old place and I don’t see him having the energy these days to go up the stairs, but hey. Thought that counts, right?”
I nod as the barista walks towards us with the coffee. That was quick for such a busy café. He must have put us first on the list. I wonder how long it will take until the star treatment seems natural? I nod again to thank him as we leave with the beverages.
“Have you even got to spend that cash yet, by the way?” Page asks as he heads out the door, hovering his brew by his lips.
“Not at all” I reply, as I walk three-legged alongside him. “Rarity gave me the suit for the date, all the drinks we had that night were on the house, a zebra gave me some powder for the magic; all of it free.”
“Hmm… maybe you can buy a house.” He suggests. “Rumour has it Twilight’s planning to move back into the Library. You know, keep the Elements together.”
“Well, it does make sense to do so.” I say as I take the first sip. Wow, that was a good first sip. “But why back in the tree? Why not build her an actual castle? Isn’t there an old one somewhere they can refurbish?”
“Well, no doubt they will someday. If anything they want her to look like one of the public for publicity’s sake. Like how Princess Cadence became a babysitter or let Princess Luna come down to Ponyville when Nightmare Night came around.”  He says taking a sip from his coffee. Judging by his face, he had a good first sip too. “You do need to move out of there, anyway. Living with an alicorn is bad for your Unalicorn image.”
“What, the Unalicorn image that I only found out about yesterday?”
“And because of that, ponies give you some lee-way. But think about it. The longer you’re there, the longer ponies will suspect you’re the new Spike. Or some new pet like the owl. What’s that owl’s name again? Owlfucious?”
“Owlowliscious.” I correct him. “And don’t say anything bad about him. Owlo’s a cool guy once you get to know him.”
“Well, fine. But you’re not Owlo. You got to get out of that library. Be independent.” He states as he goes for his second sip. Again, I suspect it was another tasty sip by the way he is nodding at his drink. “Show everypony you can stand on your own feet, you know?”
I take my second sip. Shit, this is good coffee.
“Yeah, I got you.” I say as the box known as the SorriNa can be seen as we turn the corner. “Maybe I could go on a holiday too. That’ll be a good way to waste money, right?”
“Definitely.” Page Presser smiles. “Take it from me, Prance does damage to a wallet. Went there a few months back.”
Hmm… Prance, huh?
“I’ll look into it.” I reply as we stop in front of the doors of Blue Curaçao’s black cube. “Right now, let’s just get your wallet back.”

Hmm… judging that a place like this, it could be closed around this time. Meaning it is acceptable to… knock! Okay, Woundsalt. The last two times were pretty embarrassing, but now… Now it’s your time to show the world that you can knock on a door without humiliating yourself! I shall become the Knock-master! Deep breaths…
I… watch as Page knocks on the doors to the place instead.
Fuck. Actually, you know what? I was holding a coffee. If I did try to knock, I was bound to fall on my face. Thanks, Probably but guaranteed not-bro.
The door opens as a blue head pops out. My goddess, how can Blue’s neck support such an overweight head? “Amigos!” It exclaims as the door opens wider. “So nice to see you two again! And together, too!”
“Hey, Blue.” I greet first. “Just came by because somepony lost his wallet.”
He turns to the other poet. “Oh? Well, I’m not surprised, Mistah Page. Five Sombreracs in five minutes… You’re lucky you didn’t lose more than that!” He laughs.
“Y… Yeah. Sorry about that. I’m… I’m not entirely versed with drinking.” Page stutters as he looks away. Shit, and here I thought he can’t get any redder.
“Is okay, pony. I heard what your mama said to you before the show. You deserved to drown your sorrows.” The portly owner says as he opens the door. “What’s the situation on that, by the way? Was she telling the truth?”
Page is silent. The kind smile dissipates as the blob of my former bully moves outside. I think he got what is not said. “Oh… Oh, Mistah Page…” He sighs as he moves towards Page. “You a bruddah?”
The red unicorn nods slowly.
He sits and puts his front hooves wide open. “Come on. Come and hug a bruddah.”
Page hesitantly puts his hooves around the barrel of the bar-stallion. Blue clasps his front stubs around the red unicorn. It looks like one a hotdog just got hit sideways by a water balloon that didn’t burst on impact. So yeah, not a pretty sight.
“There we go. There we go. ” Says the obese pegasus. “Welcome to dah family.”
“Th… thank you.” mumbles Page… somewhere in there.
… Well, this is awkward.
“You don’t mind if I head on in and get it?”
“You go on ahead. Parfait’s got it in the lost and found box.”  Curaçao whispers. “He’s talking to an apple farmer right now, though. Issues with the cider dealer.”
Apple Jack’s here, huh? Well, I better see how she’s doing, knowing that the last time I saw her she was face down on a cart having a journey to the centre of her being.
Handing my coffee to Page’s aura, I walk on into the SorriNa.





Wow, this place looks so different when it’s close to empty. No talk, no singing, no music coming from the jukebox; it’s quite a haunting experience seeing this place with little to no-one here. Strange, I don’t usually feel afraid of an empty bar. If anything, an empty bar is my slice of heaven. I’d be alone, the only words I’d be hearing is how much the booze costs and I’d be getting drunk in peace. But this bar… this bar scares me when it’s empty. Why? 
...
I better find Parfait and AJ before it gives me a panic attack.
Sure enough, they are both at the bar.
“You sure?” I hear the cow-filly as I walk towards them. “Cuz we’re already getting profit as is.”
“I gather that, sweetie.” Parfait giggles as she drops a big bag of bits on the bar mat. “But I don’t want any special treatment because I’m different, you know? Besides, if anything you deserve every coin for helping me out here.”
“… Okay, sugarcube. If you say so.” Apple Jack says as she hesitantly puts the bag in her storage saddle. Did… did he just buy the cider for more than she bargained for? Wow! And here I thought the Apple family should’ve given her the cider for free!
Parfait finally sees me and waves, causing the country filly to turn around. She’s… not happy to see me. Why are half of the girls not happy to see me, today?
“Uh… hey, Apple Jack. How was your trip?”
She’s silent… Why do I have the feeling…?
“Zecora ratted me out, didn’t she?”
She nods. Damn it. I guess rhyming and lying is too hard to do at the same time.
“I’m sorry. I know I should have just left it and wait until Twilight gave the all-clear, but it was the stuff that got me some control over my magic! A few more hits and maybe we’ll find a way to stop the surges!”
“I know, darlin’. I know.” She sighs. “And Twi’s fine with it… But dang, you got a silver-tongue that needs tamin’. You actually made me think I was something I wasn’t for a moment, there.”
“So… You’re not…?”
“Nah.” AJ waves away. “Just a manly filly with a suitably manly name. Notin' more, Nothin' less.”
Parfait looks to the both of us. “Can somepony fill me in here?”
“Woundsalt talked me into tryin’ something called Onderlandwah yesterday.”
“Oh, right. That stuff.” She nods. “We got a zebra brother who grows the stuff. Apparently, with some juices and a lot of magic, you can see the past.”
“Have you or Blue tried it before, Parfait?” I ask. I wonder if the powder explains the unbelievable change with my old bully.
“I know I did.” The lavender pegasus smiles. “I dreamt that I was wearing some school uniform that was talking to me while attacking some bullies from my orphanage with a half of a pair of scissors. Shit got epic.”
Aw, fuck. That does sound cool. Why did I get the white plane? Wait, that was just her. “How about Blue?”
She shrugs. “Took it before him and I got close. I won’t be surprised that he got some from our bro, though. So AJ, what was your trip?”
“Riding some furry dragon thing through Manehattan. Really fun.” She grins. “Just glad that it answered a question Woundsalt planted in my head. Speakin’ of, Wound. Can I talk to you alone for a minute?”
I nod slowly as we walk away from the bar.
“Rainbow told me y’know about how Rain Coat went out.” The cowfilly says, believing to be far enough from the… Bar-herm? Actually, that sounds nice. Better run that by him. “Ah’m sorry we didn’t tell ya ‘bout that.”
“That’s alright.” I reply. “But… can I ask why you girls didn’t tell me?”
She’s a little… cautious.
“Well… Twi’s a little worried at the amount of mental stress you might be havin’. You remember me making sure the surge in the family shack wasn’t a personal meltdown yesterday, don’t ya? I wasn’t just making sure for myself, there. I was making sure for all th’ girls.” She eventually says with a hoof on my shoulder. “Your life’s changin’, Wound. And changin’ quickly. Someponies might say too quickly. We dunno how well you’re takin’ it and… We don’t wanna see you go the same way she did.”
…
“I can’t fly. How can I…?”
“You know what I mean.” She says as the hoof comes off. “Just… promise me you’ll talk to us if you ever felt like that, okay?”
Okay, clearly this is something that’s been on her mind. Better say yes. I know I never contemplated suicide ever in my life, even after my cry last night, but… guess it’s good to know that there a shoulder to lean on, right? A friend in need, is a friend indeed… I think that’s how it goes.
“Okay. If I ever get that down, I’ll tell you.”
Apple Jack smiles. “Thanks, buckaroo. I better get goin’ back to th’ farm and start packing for tomorrow. You take care of yourself, pardner.”
She quickly hugs me (feeling my displeasure in those small seconds, no doubt.) then waves to Parfait and walks out the SorriNa.
“Does… does she think you’re suicidal or some shit?” The pegasus asks as the door closes. “The fuck’s that about?”
“Long story. I’m fine, really.” I sigh. “Anyway, Page is outside talking to Blue. Do you have his wallet?”
She nods as she searches under the bar and comes up with a wallet. “That crystal pony by the bar last night found it. Nice Guy. Surprised he’s old enough to drink, though.”
I snicker at the comment as I head closer at the bar to look at the wallet, seeing the words ‘QUITE A NICE GUY, REALLY’ burnt onto it. Yeah, I remember Brainstorm giving him this on his eighteenth birthday.
I pick i- shit!
I pick it and most of its content up. Some post-it note fell out when I grabbed it. What’s this now?



Let me know when you want a walk on the wild side again. I’ll be waiting.
Croissant xxx



Oh, ho ho! Pagey’s got a Croissant! How sweet of him, the bucking charmer. That namby-pamby romantic sludge he writes was bound to give him a hook-up eventually. I better put this back in the wallet.
“Thanks for that.” I say to Parfait. “Oh, and before I go. Can I run something by you as something you can be called?”
“Shoot.”
“Instead of barcolt or barfilly…” I pause for dramatic effect. “Bar-herm.”
…
“I’m getting a marker and putting that on the sign.” She says bluntly.
“Yeah, fair enough.” I say just as bluntly. “Sounded better in my head.”
“It happens." She giggles. "The two Neighponese ones up there were from some otaku assuming calling me those would be… how do you say it? Kawaii?” 
I nod. “Well, I better hoof this back to Page. See you later, Parfait.”
“Take it easy out there, champ.” He smiles, as she starts wiping some glasses.
I head back out onto the Renter streets.





“… He’ll still treat you like one. I saw the look on his face when you told him what your mom said last night. I’m half surprised he didn’t run on stage to hug ya! He cares for you, bruddah!”
“You think so, Blue?”
“Yeah! More than an actual brother does! Trust me, I know for a fact my twin, Orange…”
“You have a twin?”
“Same basket.”
“Ah.”
That was all I heard from the two when I came back before they noticed me. It’s abundantly clear they were talking about me before. Better put myself into this conversation.
“How is Orange, by the way? I heard from Parfait he booked it.”
He looks at me with a sour look, like I opened a can of worms after their sell-by date.
“Like what I was about to say… my brother doesn’t care for me. Just himself. He would have left the room and left me there, if it was me drunk off my flank on-stage. But you two…” he says as he puts his front legs on both mine and Page’s shoulders. “You two are family. I can see that.”
“But what if we’re…?” We both ask in unison… which made us look at each other. Freaky.
“See? You two are Ohana! Even if not by blood!” The extremely chubby pegasus laughs. “Thick as thieves! Thicker than me, even!”
This made Page Presser smile… and me concerned. What the fuck were these two talking about before I came out?
“Thanks, Blue.” Page says. “That makes me feel better. We better get going and see this arcade for ourselves.”
This arcade? They were talking about the arcade? What about the arcade?
“Alright, gringos… say Wound, think you can come around tonight? I need to talk to you about something.” Curaçao says looking at me. “The bar’ll be closed anyway. We can have a mano et mano in peace.”
Huh? Wha? What does that got to do with…? Buck it. I’ll just ask Page later.
“I got to do a thing with Vinyl, but… yeah, I think I got time after that.”
“The rap tournament Slim Shake was supposed to be in, eh? I hope she found a replacement.” He smiles. “If rumours are true, this Hater D howlie deserves every words thrown her way!”
Heh. Something tells me she doesn’t.
“Well, until then, hermanos…” Blue says as he opens his bar door. “Adios.”
“Adios!” We reply.

As the door closes behind him, I hold up Pages wallet. He takes it and replaces it with my coffee and back on the road we go.
“So,” I say to Page. I got to know. “What did you two talk about while I was in there?”
“Oh, nothing much.” Page quips. “I told him about your mystery sibling and the possibility that it isn't me and... he thinks we’re not brothers.”
“He doesn’t see us as…?”
“No. And he’s got a good reason for it, too.”
…
“Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the reason?”
He looks to me, smiling mildly. Looks to me he’s a little hurt to say what he’s about to say, but accepts that he has to tell me.
“Wound… this arcade. It’s owned by a filly…

… A filly named Salty Bet.”