//------------------------------// // Rainbow Rocks // Story: Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student // by keaton-furman-prower //------------------------------// Dear Sunset Shimmer: Why the fuck are you writing to me about things that I was there to see?! If you’re going to write to me, write about how you’re turning the sirens into sex slaves or something. Your irritated teacher, Princess Twilight Sparkle. Dear Celly: Why exactly do you need a vibrating book? I thought you had more than enough sex slaves to satisfy you. Sincerely, your best buddy Discord. Dear Sunset Shimmer: It’s been such a long time since we last talked, hasn’t it? It’s been quite tiring to deal with Twilight. I mean, you were a bitch, but at least you never tried to usurp my rule. Of course, she was never smart enough to remember what I did to my own sister, so there’s that. Anyway, remember how a few months ago, you stole Twilight’s crown and turned into a duplicate of Tirek’s mother? That was absolutely hilarious. Oh, and you were planning to brainwash the student body into an army to take over Equestria. Because a bunch of hormone-addled teenagers are such a huge threat to the goddesses of the sun, moon, love, and… whatever Twilight’s supposed to be. Friendship, I think. Well, you could probably take her down. The rest of us would just send you down to Tartarus. Tirek would probably invite you to his next family reunion. But we’re getting off topic here. I do recall a couple of weird singing seaponies. To be honest, their singing was terrible, so I gave them a couple of amulets that would help them improve their voices. Thus, they gained amazing singing powers, which they then used to get everypony to do their bidding. I thought it was hilarious, but Starswirl got a bit pissed after his faithful student Clover started slacking off and going to those crazy shoo-be-doo concerts. Since he demanded that his students devote 110% of their efforts to their studies, he tossed the seaponies into a portal, and then sent Clover to space camp for 1000 hours. Banishing my favorite seaponies aside, I’ve always admired him. He sure knew how to deal with his students. I must admit, I’m starting to feel sorry for them. Thousands of years trapped on the planet of the apes would truly be a horrible fate, the kind I’d only reserve for the absolute worst beings in the universe. And Twilight. Hell, if I had known she was heading back, I would have teleported right to her castle and smashed the portal before she could come back. I’m surprised that her “friends” didn’t do that. Maybe they felt sorry for their alternate selves in the other universe? Well, whatever the case, she couldn’t use her divine rainbow of judgment. I can only imagine how hilarious it must have been to watch their determination to kill the sirens, only to utterly fail as the whole school watched in shock. If only somepony could show me that on Hooftube. Anyway, since that didn’t work, you and your friends did the logical thing and had a sleepover. I’m not sure why you’d want to have a sleepover when the fate of two universes hangs in the balance, but whatever. At least you got to steal Pinkie’s whipped cream. And yes, Twilight has an atrocious singing voice. Did you know she tried to be a singer when she was younger? She called herself Twiley Cyrus. There’s still plenty of her old stuff on Hooftube if you want to watch it. I recommend the one with the wrecking ball. Of course, before you could do any of that, you’d have to deal with the Singing Sushi Band. And to do that you had to perform better than anyone else. Somehow, I get the feeling that it would have been a lot easier if you had simply tied up any potential rivals and thrown them into your locker. Hell, even Trixie thought of something similar, so what’s stopping you? I mean, even if it pissed them off, it would have been for the good of the world, so they would have forgiven you in the end. Probably. Anyway, you’re lucky DJ Hum4n was there to save your ass. And even more so that the microphone landed right in front of you. Can you imagine how hilarious it would have been if it had flown over the hill, landing far away from the battle so that nopony could sing anything anymore? …Did I say hilarious? I meant awful. Yeah, awful. Whatever. Please stop worrying about the seaponies. They’ll be all right. I mean, I doubt they’re going to try to seek revenge on you and everypony you love. In fact, I’m sure they’d be really happy to accept the magic of friendship. And you can team up with them to put an end to Rainbow Dash’s attention whore tendencies. Hell, Twilight has the perfect outfit for that. So, in conclusion, it’s been quite delightful to write to you once more, Sunset Shimmer. I’m quite hopeful that you shall become a loved and respected member of your community under the watchful eye of your friends. On the other hoof, I’m worried about the effect that Twilight’s letters shall have on you. But to be honest, you’re in another universe with a portal that hardly ever opens, so it’s not my problem. Your delightful former teacher, Princess Celestia. Dear Princess Celestia: I’m happy to say that the constant contact between the bald ape world and Equestria has been quite profitable. I decree that we shall open the portal permanently! Your capitalist father, The Almighty Eternal President King Hasbro. Dear Dad: Aw, crapbaskets. Your worried daughter, Celestia. Dear Princess Celestia: Our pendants broke. Can you send us some replacements? Your three favorite singers, Adagio Dazzle, Aria Blaze, and Sonata Dusk. Dear Sirens: Sorry, I’m currently trying to prevent Equestria from being infested with bald monkeys. Your former concert planner, Princess Celestia. Dear Pinkie: Please tell me when you have sleepovers. Boulder couldn't sleep. Your sister, Maud. Dear Sonata Dusk: Pppppppppppppppppppppppppppt. ~Flufflepuff. Dear Sonata Dusk: What Flufflepuff meant was that she already is the Taco Mascot at Paco’s Tacos. And she also gets paid in tacos. So fuck off and get another job. ~ Chrysalis. Dear Aria: Let's blow this Taco Stand. Sincerely: Adagio Dazzle. P.S.: Get the camera ready. I want to preserve the moment when Sonata's heart breaks for all eternity.