The picnic was set, the sun was shining, the trees were dancing, the ponies were happy, and I was mischievous. Why was I in such a contrast to my surroundings? Well, for one very good reason, I had recently made contact with a grog making factory to hand over their ‘beer slag’ as they had so eloquently put it, to me as opposed to simply throwing it out. With this on hand, I did some whizbang, neat-o saltification and flavouring, to make something that is similar to a spread that I have gone far too long without.
Vegemite.
“Friends!” I called out to my pony friends, while hurrying up to meet them. Twilight Sparkle looked up at my exclamation and waved me over. She noticed the jar of black stuff I was holding and her mood was stunted slightly at the look of it.
“What’s that, Aron?” she asked, diverting the attentions of her compatriots. They all looked in kind to the jar of black that I held, aside from Applejack and Rainbow of course, who's conversation was obviously more important.
“This,” I remarked as I approached the pic-a-nic blanket, “Is called Vegemite, an amazing Australian delicacy, everyone back home loves it.” By home, I meant only Australia, and even that is a bit of a stretch.
“Oh, well, excellent! We’ll try it out!” She attempted to steal the jar from my hands, but I swatted at her magic bubble and kept a hold of it.
“At tut tut!” I halted her, “Only one of the Australian Born can properly spread this. As such,” I held my hand out, “Give me a knife.”
This instilled some confusion into my friends, never the less, Rarity magicked up the knife into my hand. I methodically checked over the knife, as if inspecting it for impurities. Finding it worthy of the use of spreading Vegemite, I opened the jar and put the proper amount onto it, which is about one tenth the size of any other spread you’d put on a sandwich.
I put the jar down and picked up a piece of bread. Conversation and joviality ceased as I spread this black sludge onto the bread, Rainbow Dash and Applejack ceased their conversation to observe me marring its magnificent white colour to a sickly brown. I acted as if the Vegemite was volatile, and carefully folded the bread. I looked around, my eyes landing on Pinkie Pie’s comical display of hoof chewing (however impossible that is).
“I am ready,” I remarked triumphantly. I took a bite of the half sandwich, and immediately my mouth was flooded with the delicious bitter sadness of the taste of Vegemite. Instantly, my mind was overcome with memories of home and of my family. It brought an honest to God tear to my eye.
“Aww, It’s so good he’s crying!” Pinkie piped up.
I wiped the tear from my eye and finished off the sandwich. It was glorious. The six pony friends started assaulting me with various remarks and questions.
“Is it that heavenly is it?” Asked the fashionista.
“Pah, what a wimp, it can’t be that good,” shot the rainbow pony.
“Well, if it can make Aron here tear up, then count me in line,” Applejack put forward.
“Can I have a taste?” Piped the quiet vet pony, making me re-aware of her presence in the group, before she retracted, “If there is some spare.”
“Okay, okay, settle down,” I yelled into the canopy of questions, “there is enough here for an army, everyone, present bread.”
They all formed an orderly line and presented their bread for me to squander with the black paste. I didn’t put much on; I’m a jackass, not heartless.
This was going to be beautiful.
“I must warn you though, this is not to be trifled with,” each pony had a look of confusion on their face, “this spread is legendary in my world, the Spaniards had a name for it, they called it… Muerta Negra.” Or was it Mierda Negra, I can’t remember. The daunting sounding name seemed to deter my friends in their determination for eating it, except for Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they just looked as though they wanted to eat it even more.
Jokes on them.
I put on a cheery face and exclaimed, “Well, don’t mind me! Dig in!”
As expected, each of them had their own way of eating their sadwich. Twilight simply bit into the centre, simple, cold, calculated. Rarity cut a piece off with a knife and fork, taking a dainty bite out of the little cut square. Pinkie gobbled the entirety of the sandwich in one bite. Both Applejack and Rainbow took a messy chomp out of the bread. And last but not least, Fluttershy took a small quiet nibble of the side of her vegemite sandwich.
My cheeriness deformed into pure evil, a wicked grin sliced across my face.
I began counting aloud, “five.”
Five of the six friends looked bewildered at my expression. It wasn’t long before the party pony collapsed, having taken the biggest dose of Vegemite, she was first to surrender to the pure sadness that is Vegemite. “Pinkie!” Yelled Twilight as she ran over to her. The perpetually pink party pony was stoic frozen in the moment after she ate her sandwich. Her glazed eyes were wide open, stuck in an eternal gaze of horror, her mouth laid slightly ajar, she was dribbling a brown tainted drool down from her mouth. I think I actually did it, I broke Pinkie Pie. At the sight of her friend becoming broken, the rainbow pony threw away her sandwich and charged up to attack the one responsible, me.
I didn’t flinch, and simply continued counting, “four.”
The athlete froze mid-lunge, remaining stuck in mid air just centimetres away from me. Having taken the next largest amount of Vegemite, the two competing compatriots were the next to fall to its horrid taste. Rainbow barked a pony obscenity and darted to the jug of water, she managed to take a half gulp before Applejack barrelled her over and stole the water jug for herself. A brawl opened up between the two to fight over the foul-taste cleansing liquid of life. Having grown accustomed to the shock of her friends acting out, the librarian was next to try and subdue the ‘assailant’.
She assumed her typical battle stance and her horn lit up, she tried to keep me down with her telekinesis thing, I felt the magical tingling entrap my body. I didn’t react, “three.”
Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for Twilight, she was next. As she dropped her ready stance and spell, her face was replaced with one of abject horror. She began coughing and wheezing as she exposed her browned tongue to the air. Trying to rid it of the horrid taste. “What is this?” She panted and spat, “Ugh, It’s horrible!”
I just smiled sadistically in response, “two.”
“Oh, ew, ew, ew, that is disgusting!” the frantic fabricer shouted over the ruckus. She tried desperately to destroy the foul taste from her mouth by eating a multitude of other more savoury things. She cried out in pure horror as the taste just carried through on everything she ate. Knowing her endeavour was fruitless, she just sat back and began bawling.
I leaned back and merrily finished my counting, “one.”
Aside from the anarchy of the five ponies struggling to free their tongues of the foul taste, no more sounds added to the fracas. That’s odd, Fluttershy should have been next. It was probably just a delayed reaction, most likely because she took the smallest bite out of her friends. I opened my eyes and looked upon her. She just had her head tilted as she seemed to be in thought.
“A little bitter,” she said before going for another nibble, “It could go with some cheese.”
My mouth fell open as I stared at her with a mix of shock and awe. I never thought it was possible, a first timer actually liking Vegemite. She took another dainty little bite and chewed merrily along as she sat, disconnected from the horror around her. I salute you Flutts, you’ve made this Aussie proud.
I shrugged and shook my head with a smirk. I picked up the jar of Vegemite and moved to sit next to her, the glorious scene of the technicolor-sans-yellow ponies fighting over the jug of water presented before us. I stuck my finger into the jar of Vegemite and ate directly from it like a boss, letting the glob of ‘Black Death’ sit on my tongue, swishing the flavour around in my mouth. I laid back next to the yellow pony and sunk into the sunset. I fell asleep to the ruckus of my friends’ torment.
Today was a good day.