//------------------------------//
// ...is Worth Two in a Burning Bush 
// Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess 
// by Tired Old Man 
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Twilight Sparkle,

What do I need to do to clarify my warnings any further? Do I have to highlight them? Make them bigger? Fly a banner over Ponyville with those specific words on it? Tell me what it is I have to do to get it through to everypony that when I have a warning to deliver, it's actually important and saves time.

I really wish I'd just told Fluttershy about Philomena as soon as she asked. At first I thought she was just asking as a gentle formality, but then I saw that she was actually serious. 

That innocent curiosity is always a sight to see, Twilight, and one I'm more than happy to reciprocate with answers, even if they're answers they should know because it's their profession and if they don't know then maybe they should learn it or consider a new career path like carpentry because something always seems to be wrecked every fifteen minutes!

...Pinkie's a bad influence. She even shows up in my dreams. Not even Luna can do that without my permission, and she's the Dream Warden!

Anyway, Mayor Mare called me on some important business, so I had to leave. I treat my correspondence with her seriously, especially since she's the one that reports to me on every single incident that happens in town, and how much stress it leaves on her. Did you know her mane was originally pink ten years ago? And her face didn't look like a prune's great grandmother?

She tries way too hard to keep Ponyville on the straight and narrow. And this incident with my pet certainly didn't help her, what with my guards patrolling around. I understand her concerns; they can be rather intimidating when they're actually doing their job.

Or... maybe it's more than that. Hm. 

In any case, Philomena is back in her cage, Fluttershy learned a lesson you learned what seems like ages ago, and most importantly, nothing burned down. Not that I expected it, but that just seems like a plus in a very flammable town. Mayor Mare's really on top of her game if I never hear of any fires from her.

This is also why my castle is made of marble with easily replaceable carpet and drapes. And why my room is coated with enough flame retardant it could shrug off a breath of dragonfire. Which it did. Mister Inadequate Dragon saw to that a few days ago.

He is now Mister Stumpy.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. I'm having trouble sleeping again.

Yes, it's her. No, lucid dreaming didn't help. All that did was make her laugh even more.

Really? An alternative that doesn't have me dream at all? I'm game, so what is--that's my big stick. What are you--