The Traveling Tutor and the Royal Exam
Teas, Tests and Trials
Green Grass was lagging behind Princess Luna, taking out his frustration by dragging his hooves as they headed towards House Twinkle. Any worries he might have had about garnering attention and being asked questions he really didn’t feel like answering were totally obliterated by the ecstatic alicorn who fairly bounded down the street in front of him. He had always wondered just what Luna looked like when she was happy, and now that she was bursting with joy, he wished he were still in the dark about it. She was more than happy, she was ebullient and effervescent and all manner of emotions that started with E, and possibly a few that started with consonants too.
As a colt, he always had felt a bit inferior about his faded green hide, which was only exacerbated whenever he caught the occasional derisive glance in his direction. Other ponies had coats in far more attractive shades of green that could be described as Mint, or Jade, glossy colors that a good conditioner or shampoo could perk up into something glorious and attractive. He had looked up his own colors in the paint section of a store one day and was somewhat disappointed to find he was not even really a Grass, but more a Kale or a Mesclun. Right now he could have been a Chartreuse with Tomato Red and Daisy Yellow polka dots, handing out bags of bits while singing the Equestrian National Anthem and he would have been just as ignored so long as he walked in Princess Luna’s sizable shadow.
“Wait right here,” said Luna with one last pirouette. She gave him a gentle kiss on one cheek before prancing into Twilight’s Canterlot home, leaving Green Grass standing between two somewhat ruffled Royal Guards of different diurnus. The familiar Day guard was a pegasus of substantial bulk with a short axe slung across his back, and whose squarish muzzle broke into a broad grin once the Princess of the Night was safely inside. His counterpart was a familiar Nocturne of similar build and stoic attitude, only instead of armor, he wore a formal uniform with a color scheme and cut that could easily have graced the most formal dance or party a serving military guard would attend. The style of the dark suit clashed starkly with dozens of healed parallel pink scars that traced themselves all over the night pony in patterns that spoke of a fierce battle that did not happen while he was in armor.
“Optio Pumpernickel,” started Green Grass, pausing as the formal ‘face’ dropped over both guards at once. “Um. Did you get into a fight with a griffon?”
“Two actually,” spoke up Axe once he determined his fellow guard was not going to respond. “Dere’s a security order out on it, so Lumpy’s not goink to tell vou about it. Congratulations on vour new son or dottor by de vay. Do vou vant us to go lookink for a romantic hiddey hole for de honeymoon?”
* ♥ *
Luna slipped through the bedroom door and nestled up next to her sister, grabbing the last glass of tea and a cookie in her magic before whispering, “What did I miss?”
“We were just discussing how to properly deal with Twilight’s rather badly handled engagement announcement, Luna,” whispered Celestia in return.
“Twilight Sparkle, the law specifies that a stallion must propose before any pregnancy is announced, is that correct?” asked Luna bluntly before taking a dainty bite of the cookie.
“Yes,” sounded a small thready voice out from under the bed.
“And to your knowledge, did thy mate propose any method of matrimonial binding before this morning’s memorable attempt?”
“Well.” There was a long pause. “He did say quite a few times that we should just elope off to Las Pegasus and get married by an Elkvis Przewalski impersonator, but those were just silly comments to make me laugh. I think.”
“We shall save that for use in case of dire emergency then. We do not know if this impersonator pony is even a licensed professional. Thirdly, doth the law specify that he has to propose directly to you first? Or doth it only specify that he thinks he is proposing to you?”
The silence was only broken by the sound of four cookies being consumed.
“As I recall the exact wording of the law,” started Celestia, “it only specifies intent and action, not specifics of the act itself. Actually, Baron Tig the Nearsighted used that as an excuse a century ago when he proposed to Lady Nasturtium’s garden sculpture. A few of the nobles claimed that his later proposal to the owner was null and void due to his previous commitment. It broke down fairly rapidly after that when a lawyer brought a breach of contract suit against him on behalf of the statue, another lawyer countersued with a charge of alienation of affection claiming a different statue was the real fiancé, and then Parliament got involved.” Celestia shuddered. “Lawyers.”
“Wonderful,” chirped Luna, hopping to her hooves and turning to leave the room. “Problem solved. Our plan shall handle the nobles and the press, Twilight Sparkle. All that remains are the formalities.” She paused, halfway out the door. “You are going to accede to his request, correct?”
“Of course I’m going to marry him, Princess Luna! I love him! I want to spend the rest of my life with…” The silence stretched thin, and even Twilight Velvet floating a few more cookies under the bed did nothing to break it.
“Treasure your time with loved ones as if it were far greater than gold, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna looked over to her sister with a smile and blinked away a tear. “Let nothing stand in thy way, not barriers of time nor space, for the heart is the greatest of all. I forgot that once, and I shall never cast it away again.”
Luna vanished out the door with a flick of her tail, returning to poke her nose in the room and add, “Midnight wedding,” before trotting away. The sound of Luna's hooves faded into the distance, echoing through the house before coming to a sudden stop. The sound of rapid hoofsteps resumed, heading back toward their room. Every pony watched the door, causing Luna to flinch slightly when she popped her head head back inside. She rallied instantly and said, "In the Garden of Night," and retreated. This time the echo of her hooves did not stop until the front door opened and closed.
* ♥ *
The door to Twilight’s bedroom creaked open and Green Grass poked his nose in, taking in the combined soft gaze of Princess Celestia and Twilight Velvet with one dry swallow. “I brought some more tea,” he whispered. “Luna said you were out.”
“And…” prompted Twilight Velvet, pointing with one hoof to the dark space under the bed.
“And you want me to hide under the bed while you get Twilight?” he responded with a raised eyebrow. “Ow!”
The accurately thrown cookie from under the bed caught him in the mouth and sprayed crumbs all over the floor, making Green Grass almost drop the pitcher of tea sitting on his back. Sitting down on the floor, he sat the pitcher to one side, reaching into his jacket pocket before stopping and looking at the two alert observers.
“Do you want us to leave?” asked Celestia, setting her empty glass to one side.
“No.” The word came out in perfect synchronization from both Green Grass and the darkness under the bed. He lowered himself down to his belly and removed the ring box, pushing it into the darkness as if it weighed a ton. “I’m sorry I took so long.”
“You’re forgiven.” A faint sniffle came from under the bed and Twilight added, “It’s not as small as I thought it was.”
“A perfect cut of a flawless gem, just like you.” He fumbled in his pocket some more and took out two damp puzzle pieces, pushing them into the darkness under the bed. “I thought I would never find somepony I would match, and then I met you.”
“They’re wet.”
“Symbolic of the amount of time I spent treading water when we first met, I suppose. I’m just glad I learned how to swim.”
“No, I mean the puzzle pieces are wet. They’re easier to fit together wrong when they’re wet because they bend. See, their colors don’t even match.” Twilight pushed the two linked puzzle pieces out from under the bed, freezing as her purple hoof met his green one.
Green Grass coughed gently before saying, “We’re not the same ponies we were when we first met, Twilight.”
“Really?” The hoof withdrew and there was a rustle of feathers under the bed. “I hadn’t noticed.”
“If you met who I was then now, would we even… No, I mean if I met who you are now as I was then… Wait, I’ve got this. If we were not who we are now—” A cookie floated out from under the bed and was rather solidly stuffed into his open mouth, forcing Green Grass to chew while listening.
“Yes. I’ll marry you. Silly.” Twilight paused to sniff, and the clink of ice cubes sounded as her nearly empty glass floated out from under the bed. Obeying his unspoken prompt, Green Grass filled it back up with tea, taking a quick sip before sliding it back under the bed for Twilight.
“Shall I go get the tickets for Las Pegasus, My Princess?” he intoned in a formal fashion, trying to hide a growing grin. “Elkvis Przewalski and the Temple of Eternal Matrimony, Open Twenty-Four Seven For Your Convenience awaits.”
The ever-so-quiet Royal throat clearing from Green Grass’ side only slightly repressed a wide bubbling of happiness that he had suppressed for far too long. Lifting one eyebrow, he glanced at the Princess of the Sun and added, “Of course, if Princess Celestia has a gold sequined jumpsuit and a guitar, that would save us twenty bits and the price of the train tickets.”
A small sliver of ice shot out from under the bed and bounced off his head. “Behave, or I’ll take you up on that.”
Twilight Velvet promptly replied, “If the both of you had behaved, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Now, since Princess Luna seems to think she has a plan to eliminate the legal barriers to your wedding, that only leaves the timing.”
Celestia cocked her head to one side and regarded Twilight Velvet. “You do know the last time Luna had a brilliant plan, she transformed into Nightmare Moon and tried to destroy the world.”
Twilight Velvet paused before responding, most probably thinking of her last child’s wedding and the rather awkward bug infestation that came with it. “I suppose eloping would solve a multitude of potential issues. Princess Celestia, are you certain you don’t have a guitar? We could steal a march on the entire circus that’s going to break out as soon as this is official.”
Taking a drink of tea to aid her thinking and finding out that the glass was empty except for a few ice cubes, Celestia passed the glass over to Green Grass for refilling and said, “No. I think not. Zenith is locked away for a very good reason. We shall not go down that path again.” Shaking her head as if to clear away a memory, she continued, “I believe the Summer Sun Festival would be an excellent day for a wedding. The date is sufficiently far away that a proper amount of organization can take place, the Royals can make their objections and distant guests will have the time to work it into their schedules.”
Celestia took the glass back from Green Grass and took a sip without thinking, pausing only to fish the slice of lemon out of her glass and drop it back in the pitcher with a forlorn splash. “As much as I love my sister, she probably has some grand and glorious plan to have the whole ceremony with guests and participants alike sky-clad at the stroke of midnight. I believe it would be much more socially acceptable to have the Rising of the Sun in the morning, the wedding fully clothed at noon in the throne room, and start the party in the evening, when she can truly ‘cut loose’ without scandalizing the entire royal line for centuries.”
“That sounds better to me,” said Twilight Velvet, floating out a schedule and a pencil while addressing the darkness under the bed. “I wanted to wear my new pearls for the occasion. How about you, dear?”
“That’s fine,” sounded a quiet voice, mixed with the sound of iced tea being swirled around in a glass.
“That’s not fine,” said a voice that Green Grass took a moment to realize was his own. Hesitating a beat at the sudden attention from two of the mares that Twilight Sparkle cared for above all else, possibly even himself, he swallowed once and continued with a shake of his head.
“No. Absolutely not. You want to take every stuffy pony in Canterlot and stuff them all into the stuffy throne room at noon on the longest day of the year while they’re all dressed in their fanciest outfits? Heatstroke will lay them out faster than Rainbow Dash can fly. And Luna wants the Royals all crammed into the Royal Gardens flank to flank naked?” Green Grass moved closer to the bed. “Tell them what you told me, dear. Or I will. And I’ll make a royal hash out of it like I always do.”
“Well…” A purple hoof extended and waited in vain for a cookie. Sensing that the need was destined never to be filled, ever so slowly, inch by inch, Twilight Sparkle pushed her nose out into the light, looking everywhere except at the three other ponies in the room.
“Before I became an alicorn, I wanted to have my wedding in Ponyville,” said Twilight with an extremely quiet sniff. “Now that I’m a princess, I understand why the wedding needs to be here. I thought we could have it on the south lawn, right where that little rise is. Princess Celestia and I had a picnic there three times while I was living in the castle, and you can see every inch of the lawn from that point. When I was at Shining Armor and Cadence’s wedding, well, the second one, there were so many of their friends who could not fit into the throne room. Everypony seemed happy, but I want to share the happiness in our hearts with everypony we possibly can without it seeming like a concert or something.”
“I suggested the coliseum,” said Green Grass, touching hooves with his new fiancé. “Between selling tickets and beer sales, it would pay for itself. A couple of bands for the warm-up act, the wedding, and one huge party concert afterwards. Pinkie Pie would explode from happiness, and then explode again.”
“I’m not Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight, giving him a brief nuzzle.
“Thank Celestia,” said Green Grass, returning the nuzzle and licking off a loose cookie crumb.
“You’re welcome,” said Celestia.
“And she told me she wanted an evening wedding,” continued Green Grass, despite the uncomfortable look Twilight was giving everything in the room that was not a pony. “At sunset, when both the sun and moon can be in the sky at the same time and not drive thousands of ponies crazy with worry.”
“Just for a few minutes,” added Twilight, looking intently at Celestia’s golden shoes, which unfortunately for her were reflective enough that she could see the growing smile on her fellow princess’ face. “Just enough for the exchange of the vows and the pronouncement. Done by both of you. With Luna. And you. Both. Together.”
“It sounds wonderful, Twilight,” said Twilight Velvet. “Very touching. Have you written your vows yet?”
Green Grass stepped into the conversation again after Twilight looked away and mumbled something incomprehensible. “Forty-seven pages, single spaced, with footnotes. For each of us. But we compromised on two paragraphs, not more than a minute each, so the clocks won’t wind up being wrong, which will throw off scheduling for the rest of the wedding and disrupt all of the ambassadors, who would take that occasion to release their hidden aggressions on each other in unceasing warfare that would break out in the middle of the reception, with a great amount of stabbing and poking with plastic cutlery and Prench bread swords that eventually will escalate and spread all across—”
“All right,” moaned Twilight Sparkle. “If I limit myself to one paragraph and one minute, will you please not repeat that any more?”
“Only to Luna,” promised Green Grass with a soft kiss to her nose. “She will love the part where you talked about the giant lake of rice pudding.”
Celestia shook her head and smiled. “Well, as long as we have a day selected, we can discuss the pertinent points of the ceremony later. I just hope Luna’s plan to distract the press doesn’t involve anything crazy.”
~ ~ ♥ ~ ~
Unable to move from the changeling goop that glued his hooves to the bed, Shining Armor writhed in place under the touch of his torturer. Unfortunately, he was unable to escape the amorous hooves of the changeling queen, who curled up alongside his flank and ran her forked tongue up his neck. “Darling, why did you run from me last time? We had barely started when your darling sister ‘rescued’ you. I thought she was going to stay and we could… talk.”
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say, you twisted fiend!” snapped Shining Armor, leaning as far as he could from the queen’s exploring tongue. “My sister is pure and innocent, unable to be corrupted by your obscene desires!”
She chuckled in return, running a hoof down his pristine firm flanks before gliding across the room and opening a curtain. “That may have been true before, but I’ve always been a believer in education. Say hello to my new plaything, Shiny. I’ve been teaching her all kinds of interesting things that she’s just dying to show you.”
Shining Armor gasped at the slim purple unicorn who slunk into the room much like a stalking panther. Multiple piercings adorned Twilight Sparkle’s face and neck, with tight little knots of mane tied up in silver chasings, and long black belts buckled across her withers, holding her shortened tail nearly straight up in the air. “Hello, dear brother,” she whispered, lifting a short quirt in her magic and shaking it to make little silver sparks travel down the multiple metallic strands of the whip. “I’m looking forward to this.”
The persistent hammering of a hoof on the door made Chrysalis look up from her tattered paperback copy of Captive of the Love Hive - Part IX and consider the emotional aura of the knock-er. It was an annoying fact of life in the castle that just when she was getting comfortable, something always came up. The hammering hoof returned and the changeling queen rolled her eyes while looking for a bookmark. It had to be important for Luna to be out at this time of day, but that didn’t mean she had to leave her book immediately That’s what minions were for.
“Honey Bear, will you get the door? Mumsie’s at a good part.”