Clueless in Equestria

by David Silver


5 - On the Town

David contemplated his new lot in life as he walked down the street at a brisk pace. The ponies seemed to be accepting him, and he had a buddy with some means. It could have gone a lot worse than it had. It was a shame on some level this wasn't Ponyville, or he'd hit up Rarity about replacement clothes. The ponies he'd seen didn't do... underwear, and wearing the same set forever seemed impractical.

"Stop right there!" came a female voice to his left. David froze as if encased in ice before turning his head to look around. A mare was trotting up to him, wearing a bright gold star on her chest where it hung off a vest. She had an off yellow coat with dark brown mane. Her eyes were a bright blue shade. Emblazoned on her rump were the scales of justice, but they were uneven and broken half way down the middle. "Now don't cause any trouble, you whatever you are."

David put up his hands, "Just taking a walk, no trouble here."

"I'll be the judge of that," she said as she inspected him. "So you can talk. I thought Patch was losing it. Are you giving her any grief?"

David shook his head, "Trying not to. What's your name?"

"I'll ask the questions 'round here," she countered, raising a hoof to point at him, "So what's yers?"

"David Silver," he replied, then went quiet, waiting for her to continue.

She didn't keep him waiting long, "Well, mister Silver, you watch your hooves. I don't want to hear you causing trouble."

"Yes Ma'am," he said. Well, pony cops were still better than what he feared back at home. Better a loud pony than a police officer with a gun ready to fire. "Have a nice day."

She seemed surprised at his words, "Uh, you too." She looked uncertain for a moment before she resumed her confident stance, "Instead of letting you wander around the town getting into mischief, how about we get some breakfast?"

She had his full attention, "Lead the way." He followed as she mosied down the main street and took a turn into what appeared to be a saloon of some kind. The sign above read 'Deep Swig Tavern', and had an outline of a pony tossing back a mug of something. Ducking past the door, David entered the building. There was a smell he couldn't quite place, but guessed it to be lingering alcohol. There were a few other ponies present, including a unicorn stallion plinking at a banjo as he tuned the instrument held in his brown magic.

The sheriff? led David towards the bar as she called out, "Hey, Greasy!" A mare behind the bar looked up from whatever she was doing and her wings flared up.

"Goldie! What's that you have with you?" asked the pegasus, pointing at David.

"Patient of Patch Up, and he looks like he has a mighty hunger." Goldie plopped down in front of the bar, "So get us both some vittles and pronto."

Greasy looked at David curiously, "So what do you eat? You like hash fries?"

David settled himself on one of the stools, idly wondering how ponies balanced on them, "Hash fries sounds great. Quick warning, no bits."

Goldie held up a hoof, "I dragged him in here, I'll cover his hash, and a drink. Go on."

Greasy grabbed a spatula in her mouth and was soon working on getting some potatoes frying on on a large flat grill. David watched her with fascination as he asked, "Do you have orange juice?"

Greasy set her spatula down as the potatoes softly sizzled. "All out. I expect a shipment later in the week. What about grapefruit?"

"Oh, I love grapefruit," agreed David easily, leaning on the counter. "So, if you don't mind my asking, do you know much about Rough Draft?"

Goldie snorted out a laugh, "That nutball? He's mostly harmless."

Greasy pointed a spatula at Goldie, "Don't be mean." She returned to agitating the hash mix carefully, "He's a nice stallion, just a little lost in his writing. Wouldn't hurt a fly."

Goldie received a glass of a dark brown liquid and took a sip before looking David over, "What makes you ask about him? Is he bothering you?"

David shook his head, "Nah, just curious." He watched Greasy as she retrieved a grapefuit and sliced it open. She set a glass under an odd contraption then pushed one half of the fruit onto its top. It shook and glowed as the juice was extracted from it and spilled into the waiting glass. After she repeated with the other half, the glass was offered to David. "Thanks. Magic?"

"Of course," said Greasy with a nod, "Cost a pretty bit too, all the way from Manehatten." She flipped the potatoes over, almost done turning into breakfast. "So how'd you end up in town? Headed on through?"

Goldie looked to David, equally curious about this. David grew a bit self conscious, "Uh, Wet Hoof rescued me outside of town. I'm just, you know, wandering. Rough Draft seems to have an idea where I should go next."

A plate of hash browns was set before each of the two by Greasy as she said, "So that's why you asked about him. He travels sometimes, to the big cities. Talking about his books or whatever. It all goes over my head. I barely read anyway."

Goldie snorted before she took a long pull from her drink. "I read some of it. Bunch of whimsical make believe, fit only for foals." She set the glass down and dug into her food with noisy eagerness.

"Maybe that's why it's popular," suggested David before trying some of his own. It was good! There was something... just different about it. While he could taste they were potatoes, some hidden factor made them just plain better, almost dancing across his taste buds. Maybe it was the cleaner environment, or maybe it was just pony magic in action. Either way, he didn't look a gift horse in the mouth, all the puns intended, and ate up.

The door to the road suddenly burst open, admitting a frantic looking Rough Draft, "Have you s... oh." His panic ceased as he spotted David turning to look back at him. He trotted up to the bar, "There you are. You gave me quite a scare just up and vanishing like that. Hey Greasy, Hey Gold."

Goldie pointed at David with a hoof and spoke sarcastically, "I found something of yours."

Greasy rolled her eyes, "That's mean."

Rough Draft shook his head quickly "What, no, he's not mine, I mean he is. He's my friend. Right, Dave?" He held up a hoof expectantly. There was an instant of delay before David decided Rough preferred high fives and gave one, to Rough's delight. "See? A finger out salute, just like my books said."

"Actually," said David, "They're called 'high fives' where I come from."

Rough Draft looked stunned a moment before he started grinning, "Oh I get it! Five! Fingers!" He buried his snout against one of David's hands, apparently counting fingers with his nose. Though David felt embarrassed at the contact, he enjoyed Rough's presence and didn't object. He ran the hand back, petting over those fuzzy ears and the thick mane.

Gold burst into loud fits of laughter, "Oh Oh! I get it. He's not your pet, you're his. This is too much." She clopped a hoof on the counter as she went limp with laughter. "You're too damn cute, Rough."

Greasy smiled but said nothing. Rough's ears went back as he blushed hotly, "It's not like that. We're friends, partners. We're going to go on an adventure." His words were not as convincing as they could have been with David still gently petting him. Much like the attention David had received, they filled Rough with embarrassment, but also made him feel good. In the end he remained where he was, accepting the affection.

Gold pulled herself upright, "Alright, enough of this. I have a town to patrol. You play nice with your whatever he is. If you're heading out, travel safe. I want the favorite town loon to come back in one piece." She left a few bits on the counter and walked to the door.

Greasy looked at the two, "You're both kind of adorable, like brothers. You here for breakfast, Rough?"

The idea of eating appealed to Rough Draft and he quickly slid up onto the stool beside David, "I'll take the eggs, scrambled, with some toasted oats. Orange juice on the side."

Greasy faintly giggled as she reported, "Your friend asked for the same, all out. You want some grapefruit too?"

"That'll work," agreed Rough as he buried his snout into his saddlebag and pulled out some bits that he placed on the counter. "How are you doing Greasy?"

"I'm just fine, Rough," she said in a friendly tone as she got to preparing his order. "I heard there was a sick pony at the clinic, didn't think it'd be... this." She waved a hoof at David.

"Human," offered David, "That's what I am."

"Right, Hu-man. He just walked on in here with Goldie," explained Greasy.

"He does that," says Rough, "Can't keep him held down for anything. He's nice though, and polite."

Greasy waved a spatula at him, "And yours?"

"And mi--Hey! Nopony owns anypony else. We're partners," corrected Rough Draft.

Greasy fluttered her lashes at David, "So if I tried to lure him away with my feminine charms, you wouldn't mind?"

David suddenly coughed on the juice he had been sipping at, peering at the flirtatious pegasus.

Rough Draft banged a hoof on the counter, "Greasy, you're making him uncomfortable. Uh, also I'm not sure if what I wrote about human mating practices is even accurate."

Greasy stuck out her tongue, "We could have found out, but noooo." She served up Rough his breakfast with a giggle, "Where's your sense of adventure?"

"I think it's in his belly," offered David, watching Rough Draft make short work of the meal placed before him. "So, uh, thank you." he said to Greasy. She looked ready to make another shot when Rough gave her a fresh cross look.

She swallowed it back and nodded at the human, "Enjoy your stay in town, and I hope your adventure doesn't get too... adventurous."

David was content to wait for Rough to finish his food, wondering about just where they were planning to go. "How far away is the rail line?"

Greasy perked an ear then pointed, "It's that way, maybe six miles? There's a terminal there, little one. Why, you want to head into the city?"

"Just checking the options," demured David, going quiet.